u/Madoucesouffrance

I would love to know what it's like to roller skate through life without any impediment. I imagine that it is akin to switching from an old, severly damaged, virus-ridden laptop that's hanging on by a thread to a brand-new overclocked one. It's like “finally, I can function now!”. The intensity of my torment is otherworldly that has been experienced by only a fraction of souls, but I just can't prove it. I wish that people could somehow live through me, eperience the world through my nervous system and see the world through my eyes bearing all of my memories and experiencs. Only then will anyone truly understand me.

What must it feel like to step outside or talk to people without feeling on the verge of a panic attack and fainting and then feeling profound sorrow and grief in the wake of knowing that this will always be your life? Those who dare to codemn shall never know the distinct pain that is scrounging up the broken pieces of a life that could have been as you are exhiled from life and imprisoned in a corner condemned to an existence of screaming with no voice as was decreed by the paralyzing dread that has enslaved you. Constantly wanting to explode and unload a lifetime's worth of repressed fury and sadness and yet remaining mute as if a cinder block were jammed in your throat as inability reigns supreme and you plunge further down the endless abyss. Wanting to avenge every injustice you suffered and compensate for each time you only spoke up in your head and not aloud. To reclaim everything that was stolen from you.

I don't know if I look young for my age or what, but I watch YouTube videos where I subconsciously perceive the presenter as being older than me, then they say that they were born in 2007 and I'm thrown for a loop. Also when people talk about teenagers, my initial reaction is to think that they're talking about me, but then I remember that I'm pushing thirty.

In a way I feel around fourteen since that's when my life really took a nosedive, but at the same time I am no longer the person that I used to be and yet also don't feel like an adult since I am barred from the freedom reserved for adults, so I'm kinda stuck in this endless purgatory. Is this arrested development rooted in trauma?

I heard that everyone is automatically denied the first time they apply. I also heard that you need a lawyer and you need a psychiatrist to vouch for you and that you need to fill out an ungodly amount of paperwork and documents and that you need to testify before a judge in court and that this is a multi-year ordeal. Just thinking about doing all that is exhausting, terrifying and humiliating. If we're too disabled to work, what makes them think that we can jump through fiery hoops just to get the bare minimum FFS?! I wish it were as easy as simply applying for benefits and getting it no-questions-asked. By setting up all these barriers, they are barring those of us who need it the most. Those of us who are too disabled to even cry out for help.

I've been in and out of therapy for the majority of my life and it has only traumatized me more and more each time. I am done! I refuse to go back! I live with my mother and sister, both of whom have never worked but somehow always have money. I've never had an income so if I need something, I just don't get it. I've learned to live with nothing. This is a deeply traumatic way to live life. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to actually begin. I don't want to have to depend on someone else for money, I want to have freedom and autonomy over my life.

I'm fortunate enough to have my mother willing to let me stay even though she is within her legal right to have me leave. I ask nothing of her. All she provides is housing and food, but she would have to pay the rent irrespective of my presence here and she receives hundreds of dollars of food stamps partly because of me, although she doesn't allow me to select what I would like to eat even though I am entitled to half of that money. I am forced to settle for whatever she decides to bring back and I don't complain as I don't want to rock the boat.

I simply don't ever see myself ever having a job and being normal. How do normal people work a full-time job, go to school, care for children, run errands, do housework, maintain familial and social ties, exercise, pursue hobbies, etcetera in a twenty-four hour period? Sometimes I feel wiped out after a shower and I have to take a nap soon thereafter.

Literally the only hope I see of ever getting out of this hole is Universal Basic Income. It can't come soon enough because I can't live my entire life this way. I live my life as if I were in prison. My life has been on pause and I can't advance. It feels like I've been encased in a block of ice for a decade and I'm waiting to be defrosted, break free and finally live. But what will be left of my sanity even if that blessed day arrives? The longer I live like this, the more I plummet into the abyss. Will I be damned to resume my life as a middle-aged teenager not being able to recognize myself in the mirror?

For those of you who like me have given up hope of ever getting neetbux, what is your plan if your parents should pass away?