u/acrezxan1917

my mannerisms are fucking weird and offputting, im a fucking weirdo, a fucking weirdo. an autistic fucking retard, i watch myself on recordings and im a genuine fucking spastic whos probably autistic and definitely has adhd. ive been ostracised and marginalised my whole life. why? why am i like this? why??????????

WHY CANT PEOPLE TELL ME AND BE HONEST THAT IM A FUCKING RETARD AND OFFPUTTING LIKE THEY USED TO BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. PEOPLE JUST ARE DISHONEST AND DONT TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG SO IM JUST SIDELINED AND LEFT OUT OF EVERYTHING. IM GONNA FACE HOMELESSNESS AND LOSE THE TINY BIT OF SECURITY I HAVE LEFT IF THINGS DONT GET BETTER IM FUCKING DONE IDK IM FUCKING DONE WITH IT ALL

I just don’t understand people who just go to work come home and spend their time watching sportsball or love island. No higher intellectual or spiritual life or nothing. Anything that doesn't reach their narrow box and view of life makes them 'uncomfortable' (I hate that word that its thrown around like its a bad thing, any serious person knows that anything that is worthwhile requires discomfort and suffering in the process of achieving it).

I'm genuinely like worlds apart from people. I don’t understand them. I spend time around them, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed. And I'm the one who's the problem for pointing this out. Well I'm tired of it. I am who I am, I am who my experiences have made me. Why should I constantly pretend to appease people and suck up to them like I used to do for my entire life up until now?

And when I started getting into recovery, I'm told to do the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING! Shrink before people and constantly interrogate and question myself and my supposed 'defects of character' and constantly ask 'am i making them uncomfortable' 'what will they think what will they do are they going to invite me back are they going to care?'

I'm done with it all. Something I have noticed is I have begun growing my own internal centre of gravity, or 'gravitas' as the Romans used to call it. People who are interested in me can come to me, I'm not appeasing people or sucking up to them or being some follower or sheep or some herd-minded simpleton any more. I can't do it, my psyche, my body, my spirit, they all reject it.

I've already spent years mostly isolated, so I don't really have much to lose. So people's judgements that are entirely born out of insecurity are pretty meaningless to be honest. I just really don't give a shit anymore.

Hi guys, so I've been doing TRE every few days for a couple months now with probably a few sporadic weeks where I did not do any exercises for the week.

I ended up making a lot of structural changes to my life. Before I started doing it, I was in a constant state of stress, anxiety, and tension. I was going to the gym compulsively, not really because it helped me but because I wanted validation from other people. I ended up realising those habits were not right for me so I dropped them. I also ended up moving cities as I found the hometown I was living in was killing me and was directly opposed to my personality and who i am. After the move has finalised and I move into some more permanent accommodation, I plan on looking for a new job.

Some more improvements are that generally, my libido is higher, I have been seeking and reading lots of spiritual and esoteric texts and at times, I feel somatically that the wisdom they are speaking is true. (texts such as the Tao te Ching). I care less about what people think of me, am less frantic in my speech, am less frantic in life in general, I'm not obsessively putting in adrenalised and strained effort in my life, I tend to kind of let go of that egoistic tension more often.

I can see improvements while doing the exercises listed in the wiki, for example, with the wall-sit for strengthening the quads, the strain that I feel is more localised to the muscles being worked. Before, there was more generalised body armouring and tension; there is less of that now.

There have been some disappointments, however. For one, there have not really been any massive emotional releases like it seems to have been promised. This often makes me suspect that I'm doing the exercises wrong, or that I'm not letting go enough, or there is some ego or part of my personality that is obsessively tightening and controlling my every action and I need to let all of it 'go' and 'fall apart' to get better. Which probably isn't true but these are the kind of paranoid thoughts I tend to have.

Another one is that underneath the tension appears to be a state of burnout that will not go away, even if I rest. It's a state of numbness/anhedonia that's practically always been here for years. I try and rest, chill out, take it slow, do all the right things. But it seems like it's here to stay, unfortunately. I've realised that I'm still alive, still breathing. I used to fall into nihilism with regards to this state, feeling hopeless and thinking it will never go away, of which I still do from time to time, but I'm not dead so I think that mindset is pointless and self-defeating.

Idk where I'm going with this post but if anyone here has had experience with having lots of stress, anxiety/tension masking a burnt out/anhedonic/numb state, how did you get better? Curious to know other people's experiences. Thank you!

Something that I have had to do recently is set limits for my room. Growing up, my room was my sanctuary. However it was not really associated with rest, rather checking-out and disappearing from reality, almost into another dimension. My bed especially, I can lose hours and hours and hours just lying in there.

It gets to the point now, where I can be outside and inhabit my body, but I am flat, tired, my eyes are exhausted, yet I come home, go to my room, and I'm not resting, I'm just dissociated. I feel I would have to put my laptop and phone in a safe or something to stop this habit lol. Because when I'm in my room I'm not in contact with my tiredness or my authentic emotions or anything, I am in this hazy state, which can feel nice sometimes to check out for hours and not exist, but it's something I need to work on breaking now.

I was wondering if anyone here has set limits for their room? Like limit the bed to dissociating and checking out, and then use the desk/study area for work, reading, or resting or something like that?

i look at recordings of myself, my mannerisms are off, my eyes are darting around, i look like an unsocialised fucking moron. of course my life is shit. and im straight and white so i must be part of the oppressor class according to people? why is my life so bad? why am i such a fucking weirdo? why? is it autism? is it what? is it this? is it that? if my life is doomed to just misery why am i fucking alive? why????????????????????????????????

It's weird, because even my title, is a very Western implication i.e. extracting value from something so spiritual in a capitalist sort of market mentality way.

But anyway, I have resonated a lot with the set of teachings in the Tao te Ching, it's so simple, so uncomplicated and free of unnecessary jargon and complexity.

Some teachings, in the Tao te Ching, I think can be applied to freeze. Such as:

'In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.'

I've certainly noticed this in my own life. When I'm in a more downregulated state, there is a lack of grasping or pulling towards certain things. I have a strong centre of gravity that is resistant to the pulls of the world, in a sense. Intuitively, I feel people can sense that, and they are more at ease around me.

I think one of the tragedies of CPTSD is that, I wasn't just imagining that people disliked me. People often like to insinuate that it's all in my head to make me feel better but, I think for most of my life, I gave off this frantic, erratic, unstable energy that turned people away from me. I don't judge myself for having that, of course it wasn't my fault, I didn't choose my parents nor my family of origin, but still the result was the same.

In this light I think co-regulation is somewhat of a dance. In my youth, I was so desperate to be liked by my peers, they noticed that, and exploited it. People respond to the dance differently, depending on their age developmentally. The need for approval and love led me to some dark places.

The main point is that, in that needy state, healthy people were repelled from me, and unhealthy people either exploited me or other ones saw me as someone they needed to rescue. The frantic, leaking, uncontained energy kind of spilling everywhere kind of caused that in my situation (I know it sounds a bit woo woo)

Curious to see if anyone else has any resonance with this, or anything else they'd like to share about their own emotional/spiritual journey.

No anger, little to no anxiety, no stress, no pain, no rejection. just working from home in this airbnb and living off ready meals and coke zero while playing binding of isaac during my downtime..... my system ran hot the past few weeks but now its out of gas but man it kind of feels good being like this lol

As a kid/teen, I was bullied, but people didn't consider me a bad person. Mostly because I kept my feelings to myself (suppressed them) and stayed in my room and didn't cause issues. I was mostly fearful and afraid, and was an easy target for bullies, but I wasn't a problem to teachers/adults most of the time.

As an adult, things have gone tits up. Toxic relations with my mum, my former landlord, my boss at work. I don't know how to manage my anger. I'm so sensitive to disrespect and just light up on fire if I perceive I've been disrespected.

It's like the suppression as a survival strategy wears off, but the BIGGEST ISSUE is people are used to the quiet and compliant version of you, so when you explode it's seen as something to contain again. But eventually the psyche got sick of it, that's why I moved cities and am currently risking losing my job. In a worst case scenario I could become homeless.

A few years ago, back when I lived with my parents still, I was in this numb, deadened state, constantly looking for answers on the internet. After moving out into a house share with a would-be toxic landlord, the anger, resentment, etc started thawing out. I became a very angry and resentful person, lashing out at people etc.

Now that I've left that housing arrangement and am now in a different city, there are other things im feeling, like fear of homelessness, rejection, etc. And all the self-help strategies I was seeking in the deadened state were useless because I only trained myself to use them when I was either feeling numb or anxious and desperate to improve myself, but when im feeling these other things, I don't want to improve things in those states, I want to keep blowing up my life (already done that tbh) does that make sense, can anyone relate?

Just got rejected from a group I joined bc i did something that made other members uncomfortable... it was something i really valued and it fucking hurt so much. i think im close to rock bottom. im facing job insecurity and housing insecurity. i wish i wasnt so self-centered and i wish i could help you all. the only feelings i tend to feel are negative. my emotional development has been so stunted for so long... people the same age as me have so so much more life experience. ive made so many mistakes and i just keep fucking up and i try and make amends and take accountability but i start feeling like im destined to be alone with no one... like there's something about me thats so horrifying and repulsive to people...

It feels like even the stuff with therapy culture is Capital's most recent trick. Getting the working masses into a constant cycle of incessant introspection and self-analysis. To isolate them and atomise them further rather than bringing them together and helping them share a collective. For me, I've joined a Communist group at this point. I'm extremely radical and want the system to burn. I think a lot of people my age (Gen Z, although im in the older cohort) are like this. No chance of getting a house, can't even get a job in my country without submitting hundreds of applications. If you have CPTSD and an unsupportive family in my generation, you're in the trenches. This is why I'd rather fight and put my life on the line, fuck this fucking system. It's done nothing for me my entire life. So why should I put my head down, get a corporate job like a good boy and keep delusionally buying into this decaying and decrepit system? It won't work. Since 2008 its got worse, and worse, and worse. And it won't get better without the use of force. As the reason why we have human rights nowadays, and only work 8 hours a day rather than 14 hours, is because our ancestors used force to achieve that. And so there is no other alternative.