r/emotionalneglect

I’m 3 weeks postpartum, my mom texted me last week with the same stupid question she asks every day since having my baby - “hi, how are you?” Sounds innocent enough, right? This is just how she can give herself a pat on the back - “I asked her how she is doing.” But my mom has zero capacity for an emotional conversation or to provide any actual support. So I always say “I’m good/fine/okay, how are you?”

Last week, I was just tired of responding to the same stupid question, and didn’t respond. I finally responded yesterday, and asked how she was, and now she isn’t responding. I know this sounds innocent enough, but this woman is the queen of silent treatment - I received it all the time when I was younger, and she still dishes it out now. Maybe I deserve it because I didn’t respond? But honestly I’m just so tired right now, in a major life adjustment, and I don’t want to keep responding to the same stupid question.

What I want is for a mother who can emotionally hold me as I say - I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit again, but I’m so by mostly okay. I’m having some hard moments with my now middle child, and I feel like I’m not a good enough mom for any of them. But I can’t tell her any of that. I guess I could but at best she would say “you’ll be okay.” And then maybe delay asking me how I am so she doesn’t have to listen to a real response.

I’ve gone pretty low contact. I think they expect me to do video calls so that they can see the baby. But it makes me so uncomfortable when the entire convo is them just fawning over the baby while I’m there incredibly unseen. Which is classic for them - they just want access to my children.

My family is basically like a black hole. My mom and dad maybe had hobbies or dreams or wishes when they were younger. And now they are empty husk NPCs. even my sister had more personality when she was younger and basically became a typical city girl.

I am the odd one in the family cause I don't really care about material stuff, seeing specific celebrity's or basically very major city stuff (except small neighborhoods)

I realize that my parents basically aren't curious about my inner world and what goes on internally, but they will try and benefit from it

One time I pointed out the planet Venus and my mom's like "are you sure about that? 🤨" And then next night she shows it to me even though it's not something she naturally does and kinda does this stuff surface level to be in my good graces.

Or sometimes she brags about how I am volunteering or raising butterflies when she actually made a super rude joke that it's not her problem that butterflies confuse invasive plants for native ones and die off.

Their adulthood is my worst nightmare, all they do is work, Netflix, maybe Pilates and that's mostly it. It's like they gave up on the things in life and became drones

Anyone else notice that parents or family can be parasitic

I’ve lived a very unfortunate life void of any fulfilling love. despite logically knowing (and even other people recognizing) that I’m a great girl with really lovely qualities, I have never experienced someone loving me. not my parents, not my family, not even the men who seemed really genuinely into me until they break the news that they just don’t love me for reasons they either cant (or won’t) tell me. Am I just unlovable and have to accept my fate in this? or am I just unlucky? is it other people or is it me?

I’ve always thought I would find the family and belonging I never got in my childhood in the family I create (partner and kids) but I’m 31 now and haven't even come close to finding someone who sees my value as a loving partner.

My (32F) parents are so completely involved in my sister’s (34) social circle. They know her friends, her friends’ parents. Even one of my cousins is close with my sister, so they keep up with her regularly (this is its own hurt because that cousin and my sister have actively excluded me for a decade). They care about every detail of their lives and commit it to memory. And they show up consistently for these big get togethers and parties hosted by my sister or the related friends/families, so the bond only grows stronger. Even if it’s just to make a brief cameo, they will drive 5 hours out of their way just to show up, say hi, and then leave after an hour. They’ve been invited to weddings so it’s my sister, my parents, all the relevant friends. And I’m not invited to any of this, so I simply hear about what a great time my parents were spending with my sister and all her people, while being the only one left out like that’s totally normal.

My sister and I are estranged for similar reasons I’m sure you can imagine without me boring you with too much detail, so I don’t attend (not that I was invited to begin with). But it feels like my parents have one child from my view, and it’s not me. They all seem like their own little family with no place for me. And if it’s ever my “turn,” people couldn’t care less to show up and even feign interest. But you can tell they’re so genuinely committed to being a part of her social life.

It’s just gut-wrenching watching the level of dedication my parents invest into my sister’s social life, and the worst part is, for two people who are incredibly judgmental of others, they do it all without judgment nor complaint. They actually enjoy it. They drove all the way up to her house one year just to stop by and say hi for her birthday party, which was clearly designed for people closer to our age—essentially, it was a rager—and they still felt the need to show up for an hour and then drive all the way home (it’s 5 hours RT). And they never once judged or made any snarky remarks toward my sister for planning to get totally drunk with her friends. If I invited them to my birthday party where there was also drinking involved—hell, if I invited them to any birthday party I was having with friends—they would absolutely never in a million years attend, and they would find some reason to explain it away with the same reasons that didn’t matter for my sister’s get-togethers. They’re not prudish or anything, but anything I invite them to that doesn’t interest them or isn’t normally their scene, they instantly refuse. It’s no without a thought. Not with my sister. It’s instantly a yes without even hearing the details, and instead, they attend, and I get asked to watch their dog while they’re gone.

I’ve tried to talk to them about all this to no avail; there’s always an excuse, or gaslighting, or turning the tables on me somehow. My mom always says it’s because I “don’t give enough warning,” and that my sister has access to my mom’s calendar so they can schedule things far in advance. If that’s the case there’s no calendar sharing for me. Or the excuse is financial, too tired, not interested because it’s “my thing,” I “need to get friends,” whatever they can think of; and, as you guessed it, none of this comes into play when my sister invites them.

I feel entirely like I have no family. I have no family to care about me, my life, my friends, my friends’ families. To show up for special events small and major. And if they ever did, I would see on their faces that they were having a rotten time and wanting to leave. It’s my sister’s family, not mine, and I’m just watching them be the parents they’re capable of being to someone else. The care, the effort, the excitement to spend time with her that they never would for me is all so devastating. Idk why this happens, but watching your family be such a tight-knit group without you makes you wonder why you were even birthed in the first place—especially if they didn’t want to be a part of your life and yet so involved in your sibling’s.

I’m a 30 yo stepmom, to start for context. I’ve raised my two stepsons for six years now alongside my spouse. His 19 yo daughter just moved in with us a couple months ago.

I was so excited to have her here. A few weeks in, resentment began to build. Couldn’t really put a finger on it but noticed it and tried to figure it out.

My spouse and I were just talking and he mentioned I’ve been really cold and jealous about their relationship. And I thought about it for a minute…
And then it hit me like a fucking bus.

She is getting the love and parenting I needed and never got and I’m resenting them both for it.

She doesn’t have a license so he drives her to college. He buys her things. He’s helped her get into college and get student aid and her books, and her bus pass and class schedule sorted out. Helped her open a bank account. And truthfully, with my now opened eyes, doing typical, sweet, loving dad shit.

I got none of that.

I was actively discouraged from going to college. Discouraged from getting a drivers license. My parents also resented having to drive me places. I was perceived and treated as a burden and unwanted and so I kept to myself and minded my own as much as I could. My only expectations were to get good grades as I was sheltered and homeschooled… and to prepare to get married and pop out kids. Oh and also don’t ever be perceived if you don’t want to be criticized and screamed at.

So seeing his daughter get actually loving parent treatment is ripping open a wound I didn’t realize I had until literally 5 minutes ago.

I have been SO angry at my spouse and telling him he’s spoiling her and enabling her and she’s taking advantage of him. And he should stop doing all these things.

I’m jealous of a kid being treated like a kid. I’m jealous of a kid being loved and supported like she’s supposed to be. I’m jealous that she’s being helped to pursue higher education and to better herself.

And now I’m going to have to sit with this pain and grief and continue to watch more of this happen in front of me and try to act cool and not like my heart is being ripped out of me.

Oh my god this hurts

I've been reflecting a lot on how dysfunctional my childhood was lately. For the most part my father ignored me growing up (still does), but I have vivid memories of him showering me with attention whenever I was sick. I do think I learned to exaggerate my symptoms and report "feeling sick" more often because it was one of the few times I felt seen and cared for by him.

I'm wondering if anyone else had a similar experience?

I think it's a big underrated part of what makes them such incapable parents sometimes.

They're just... tactless people. They don't know how to set the tone of a conversation or be the leading figure in creating a safe, fun environment. They don't know how to "command the crowd" of the family. That's why their attempts at connection fall flat and family vacations are so... dang... boring.

Instead they go around socially oblivious on how to say things softly or palatably without realizing how their words are coming across.

One thing I've learned is huge is tone. Being able to say things a certain way that communicates lovingly but effectively. Like an indirect "Hey, we're all ready to go soon" versus a brisk and confrontational "Are you ready yet?" Both communicate the message that everyone is waiting for you but one leaves the conversation open and inviting while the other is accusatory.

But our parents won't understand those nuances and so their when their words are abrasive or dismissive and it inevitably upsets the child, they don't understand what has possibly gone wrong. Because they don't understand tone. To them, words are just a tool for strict practical communication and not a means by which we indirectly communicate intent, subtly vibe out the other person's feelings, and invite others into our inner worlds.

For context: my parent has been sick most of my life. I don’t have the closest relationship with them. I love them but I don’t offer up too much of myself to them because they don’t respect my boundaries. My childhood was spent being their therapist, being guilt tripped, and emotionally manipulated and neglected. The guilt trips haven’t stopped, usually using their illness to get me to come and see them and to bring my child to visit them. Now they are significantly deteriorating and need a new liver and kidney. They are automatically assuming that I will be their donor. I have a 6 year old child at home, and a job that I don’t get any kind of paid medical leave to use to recover from a surgery that will have to happen 5 hours from where I live. My other parent is empathetic to this and doesn’t want me to donate (at least not right now). The parent needing the donation has said at one time that they also didn’t want me to donate because they “wouldn’t want to put me through that” which they only said because someone else in our family mentioned what a huge burden it would be on me to do so. I don’t know how to move forward here. This parent takes everything so personally that if I tell them I’m not willing to risk my health and safety for theirs, it may ruin the last few months and or years we have together. Advice?

Clarification.

You might try talking about an issue or break down emotionally and afterwards they would treat whatever happened as though it was "solved".

As in oh you said something happened or you stopped crying and might have cleaned yourself up so the issue is done forever now.

Without even actual engaging in conversation to understand the problem or treat any of it as though it was worth exploring.

I was raised in a an environment where I wasn't taught many life skills at all and wasn't allowed to really have emotions. Me being sad/annoyed/even too visibly happy bothered my parents a whole lot.

My mom used to try and make me embarrassed every once in a while. Sometimes in public, sometimes in private. She wanted people to laugh at me or me to just feel bad about myself, she found it funny, and if I got upset, she got angry. I was meant to just take it and not react. She especially liked befriending a friend I had over, making it so they preferred to hang out with her instead of me, and making fun of me with my friends (usually regarding me having any emotions at all about my friends being "taken" from me). This was happening from around the ages 8 to 12. It would've likely continued if my mom hadn't died when I was 13.

Outside of this she routinely ignored me. Often she didn't react when I tried talking to her and if I raised my voice to be heard she got angry.

Has anyone else here experienced this sort of thing? I feel like growing up I was often just something to laugh at or get angry at and outside of this I didn't matter.

So i 22 male am starting the trades soon I will have to leave my appartement with my roommate we will both be moving out different ways but the thing is im in debt for my student loan a 5k in credit card loan plus I have. A car a friend gave em for 3k and he is ok for me to oay him later but still its a debt now I have two choice either I go to an apartment that cost me 900 per month's 2 1/2 or I go back to my mom's house

She is toxic she will not listen to what I have to say she is someone that is hard to resonate with one thing come in the heart then out the other she berates me sinc ei was a child till this day she does she tries to hold her tongue from time to time but she can't hold it long she as a bad temperament she also would need heavy psychological follows cause my psychologue told me she add big issues with the way I was describing her to him

I will graduate in 6 months in my trade amd I will work at night during weeks to pay the bills ofc it would be easier to come back to my mom's house pay all thats tuff but really is it really worth it or will I lose my mind again cause befor when I was at my lowest my face became puffy with the stress my body was shutting down sleep had no hour to me I was in a limbo state and she woukd insult me to the max saying how she regretted having me and that I did nothing in the house or every time I would say that I wanted to study in something she woukd laught at me and tell me I ain't shit and I would not make it out

I try my best to forgive her but in the end for my finance is it something I can sacrifice the peace of my mental health or my pocket I know its a stupid thing to think about but I have dreams and I wish to make it out but I also know it takes time too but truly I am in mixed feelings I will soon go to my mom's hous to talk to her about it to see how she is and how will she treat me

My therapist keeps telling me I need to find ways to self-soothe but I just don’t get it. I never feel soothed, I’m in a constant state of mild anxiety 24/7/365.

It used to be snacking or food in general but I now stopped emotional eating.

I don’t do baths, anything that still lets my brain do its thing doesn’t work.

Anyone has any suggestions? What works for you?

I’ve noticed when I’m around my mom or particularly my dad and grandma and they start on their monologues, I nod along and progressively get sleepier until I actually fall asleep. And often times they just keep going while I’m in a half-asleep state. I wonder if it’s a form of dissociation.

I also find myself zoning out a lot in my day-to-day life, particularly at work. It feels like my eyes get locked and I’m stuck staring through whatever I’m looking at. I feel peaceful when it happens. Anyone else?

When I was 12, I had a medical emergency (stroke) that had a lot of side effects (paralysis, speech loss, damaged brain, etc.) and required intensive treatments (steroids, chemo, you name it). My family was present, but it essentially just felt like rubbing salt in a VERY open and massive wound.

My mom: I don't want to criticize her (or anyone) too harshly because she was no more prepared for it than me or anyone else, and she did so so much for me during that time, but it still definitely went on to affect me. As a concerned mother, she was much more worried about my physical state (making sure I was at my appointments, not getting sick, not behind in school) than my emotional state. She often tells me that the stroke was probably because I ate too much sugar or inflammatory foods and basically daily criticizes what I eat under the pretext of "do you want to have another stroke?" When I was a sophomore/junior in high school, I had a pretty terrible falling out with my best friend, after she repeatedly joked that she wished my stroke killed me. I frequently had to leave class to talk to my school therapist (who I saw weekly in addition to my personal AND group therapist) or go home early. Once, during a particularly severe breakout that made her call my mom and WALK ME TO THE CAR, my mom told me in the car ride home that a student at my brother's university had died in a nasty skiing accident, and I should be grateful that wasn't me.

My dad: I honestly don't have many specific notes about him because I didn't spend nearly as much time with him as my mom or my brother. I spent almost all of my days with my mom driving to appointments, while my dad was at work. He was certainly not an especially comforting person during that time and said his fair share of harmful things (he thought my aforementioned best friend had a point), but didn't really have enough of a role in my life at the time to influence it negatively (or I guess to make an already really shitty time, worse).

My brother: Again, I want to be clear that I don't think he or anyone is necessarily to blame, but it certainly impacted me. When I first got sick he was only 14, and suddenly his little sister was getting attention from every which way and he got none. He was understandably resentful and very moody that first year or so. He blamed me for him having no friends and living in a town he hated, because we had to move after I got sick. He would aggressively run away from me or cut in front of me when he was mad, since he knew I couldn't run or move very well. He also refused to believe when I was diagnosed with PTSD, since I wasn't a veteran. Honestly, he was as mean to me as he always was, as an older brother, but I was incredibly vulnerable at the time and already had enough on my plate.

My grandma: The reason I'm writing this post and the only one who hasn't acknowledged my pain or her wrongdoings. The summer I got sick somehow became an opportunity for her. She complained when my brother chose to stay with me at the hospital instead of visiting her beach house which was two hours from the hospital. She told her waiters about it, which I learned the following summer when I went to one of the restaurants and the waiter was telling me about things I was doing during my two-month stay at the hospital. Not only did I not want these strangers to know these incredibly intimate details about my life; I didn't even know them myself. I was fading in and out of consciousness, hooked up to tubes and having to communicate by pointing at words on a piece of paper, and my grandma's waiter was more aware of it than I was. For my 13th birthday, she got me a smartwatch. At the time, I had to get a lot of MRIs (about 15 during my first two months in the hospital, then around 4-6 times each year). These MRIs were really difficult for me at first (I still have panic attacks during almost every single one, even 8 years later), and since one of them was only a few days before my birthday, my parents decided that I could open my smartwatch after the MRI. My grandma crashed out because she wanted to "see me open her present" when she got there, and insisted on getting me something else instead so that she could see it.

Anyway, this is a really long-winded way of saying that I think there is nothing I can do now, because what is done is done. Everything already happened. At the time, I was learning who I was and how to live, and that time was filled with pain, trauma, and sickness. And so, now that I'm an adult, that's who I've learned to be. I isolate myself as much as I can because when I used to reach out for help, I was belittled and shunted off. The times that I curled up into a ball in my own bed and sobbed for hours were much more predictable and dependable than having to (try to) explain the complex way that I was reeling to my family. It feels presumptuous to say, but after enduring so many things that were out of my control, one after another, for years, I didn't and don't want to take the chance anymore. I hope this wasn't confusing, or doesn't come across as "boohoo my life is so bad everyone should pity me".

So, I've been watching a lot of films recently, and I've seen interviews the directors give about their thought process and motivations behind their films. And it always seems to include, the community they had around them as a child.

They say things like "when I was a kid, my mother/father/etc. used to do x and y for me and that made me do a and b and stuck with me to this day" and I just can't relate. There was never a strong community around me and my family - I was ignored both at home and school and in any extracurricular I did. I literally didn't get attention from anyone.

Anyway, I thought that maybe that could have affected my lack of ambition or motivation later in life. I remember as a kid I wanted to do/be something, but as I got older that feeling kinda disappeared, and I just don't. I don't want to do or be anything (or even exist honestly) and I can't help but feel like this wouldn't be the case If things were different - especially cause neither of my siblings have this problem and they both managed to make friends at school.

Anyway, has anyone felt anything similar?

I'm currently working through a lot of grief related to my parents being emotionally immature, neglectful, and pretty shit at parenting. They did a pretty good job of providing financial and material things, which I'm grateful for, but that's all they did. I grew up in a family devoid of love, affection and real human connection.

I've come up with the metaphor of being an "emotional orphan". That I had people providing for me but they were just caregivers, not real parents. That comes with a weird mix of grief and relief. I feel sad at the idea of being an orphan but it also gives me relief because I can finally let go of expectations. If I'm an orphan, I won't have any parental expectations.

Then I remember that I used to imagine this as a kid too. I had this story in my head that my real parents had died and left me with a foster family. And that that's why no one loved me. Now of course I'm starting to realize that they're completely incapable of loving anyone, including themselves.

Anyone else feel like this?

And bad parents make it a task to ruin it too

They act like your friends but deep down they are proud like a demon that they made your life difficult

it's been a really hard day today. I thought summer would be fun but being back at my parents' house has been draining on my spirit and reopening a dozen little wounds.

nothing really explosive happened. it's just the little moments that add up. I think I'm okay and then the smallest thing my dad does reminds me of all my unresolved childhood grievances and I just crash and burn.

he's just so inattentive and disinterested in what I have to say. he's always in his own head and half the time doesn't even realize when I'm making the bid for connection. I feel like the adult in the relationship trying to baby my father into being a good parent to me. I mean how can you be so oblivious to your own child? and when the grief inevitably hits and I withdraw, he had no idea what just happened, having been in his own, merry undisturbed world the whole time. I'll wrestle with inner conflicts and push and pull, and the whole time it turns out I was battering against an immovable wall on my own. or, he knows I am upset but it never dawns on him to inquire or offer comfort.

what an impenetrable wall, I wish I could protect my inner peace like he seemingly does so effortlessly.

the hardest part is that he is kind and well-meaning. he cares for me in his own way. he hasn't committed any great sin against me. so why does it feel like he wronged me so much? I feel crazy. I'm not demanding some grand impossible gesture, right???

I want to scream and cry like a little kid.

I fear these questions will haunt me for the rest of my life and I will pass it down to my own children, no matter how desperately I want to be a good mother. my mother wanted the same, and look how I turned out.

I really wish I just started out with loving, attentive parents. I wish I never had to have these problems in the first place.

Hello, I wanted to share this major progress that I have run into recently. I was brought up by a single mother who had severe mental health issues. In my childhood, falling sick was considered as yet another problem to deal with by my mother. So much so, that even when I was suffering from depression, she would rather judge me than take care of me and encourage me to seek help. Soldiering on was considered a strength instead of seeking the right help. Ever since I've taken charge of my mental health, started an anti depressant and entered into a relationship with a wonderful man, I have actually done three things that I'm incredibly proud of - 1) gotten to the root cause of my stomach pain, got myself an endoscopy and started treatment for esophagitis that I ignored for four years 2) got my lower back checked for stress related spasms 3) continued on anti-depressants without considering it a taboo that I am weak.

I feel incredibly proud of myself of breaking the old negative and harmful behaviour or conditioning of soldiering on and taking charge of my health overall.