I wouldn’t say that my parents’ behaviour or neglectfulness have become much worse over the last two decades, except for a few age-related things.

But the older I get (late 30s), the more I have grief.

Where does this come from? Does it just live with you forever?

I've been looking for ways to describe my very superficial family and I decided that nothing comes as close as "sitcom".

- They always make repetitive stupid and hurtful jokes where you are supposed to laugh over and over again for decades. In sitcoms, we rarely sympathise with the victim of a bad joke. My family learned that they can say absolutely anything, pass it as a joke, and expect you to laugh. If you don't, you ruin the fun.

- They never go deep. When someone dies, you go to the funeral, you laugh about some stupid detail and then the funeral is over and never mentioned again. If it's a very tragic story, you might get two episodes. When someone is sick, you bring flowers to the hospital and then never mention it again. It's like they always wait for the end of the episode and when you try to bring something up from the previous episode they tell you that you're crazy for it.

- We all have predefined roles and we aren't allowed to grow out of them. I'm still the same person I was 20 years ago according to my family, even if I live in a different country and went from young to middle age. If you're a supporting character (like me), what you do when you're off screen doesn't matter, you only matter when you visit the main characters and engage with their news. Some of us have to have it all together at all times, while others get all the grace because they have been assigned the role of the comic relief that always messes things up. There is no balance, no nuance.

- They always know best. Like people in sitcoms act like the outside world doesn't exist, my family comes from a small town and can't imagine any other way of existing. They don't learn from other cultures or not even someone who comes from the closest city. They are about 10 years behind, defend outdated stances as if you're crazy for having learned there is a better way.

I'm sure I come from an autistic family. Everybody is undiagnosed, even a person that sadly ended up homeless as a result of lack of support. I don't know why, but I seem to be the only gifted hypersensitive individual that wants to have deep relationships and conversations. I grew up feeling very lonely. I am still very lonely to this day and I struggle to explain why, as my parents were not awfully abusive and my mom cared about appereances so basics had to be covered.

I'm curious if anyone else experienced this type of family? How do you accept it? I am ok being a supportive character, but I struggle with having to adhere to a script that hasn't been updated in twenty years.

My parents always criticized me, saying I was overreacting when I said anything else. So I learned to say "I'm fine" when they asked how I was doing, even though I was dying inside. I resent them for not being able to hold space for me, saying I was too much. I don't tell them anything now and they ask why. Typical emotional unintelligent parents.

It’s like this with my mom. She just seems to have poor communication skills. Our conversations must center around her. She has to be the one talking most of the time and the topic almost always is about her. She rarely asks me about my thoughts or feeling or experiences. And if I share one, she just goes right back to her own. No questions, no comments, just about her again. When she’s taking about herself, she could go on and on. But when she’s responding to me I usually get just an “mhhhmmmm” or “ok”. That’s it.

My mom doesn’t apologize. If we get into an argument, she’ll give me the silent treatment and the burden always falls on me to make amends. It doesn’t matter if she called me a piece, told me I’m an idiot, or told me to go kill myself. She won’t talk to me unless I apologize.

When I do apologize, I never get an apology back. Sometimes she will give me hug, which is nothing but frustrated. the hug is only for her to feel better. If she gave a single fuck about how I felt she would say sorry. Not hug me like everything is fine.

Everything might be fine for her, becuase she want the one being insulted and name called, and at the end of the day, she got an apology. But what about me and my feelings? Wtf is a hug going to do. The damage was still done. Say fucking sorry. Sitting there being so selfish with your stupid fucking hug. It’s to do nothing but make you feel better.

I feel like I’m talking to a 10 year old.

Do they actually care, but upon hearing a negative reality can’t handle holding space for someone’s negative experience? Or do they just want to feel like they’re a good person by asking?

I've noticed emotional neglect can also be a double-edged sword combined with a family who pretends everything is fine and well, covering up things that seem bad and not accepting the state of the matter by fact

All it is is just to prolong an inevitable crash, as the family becomes so fake, that you can see how artificial everything seems

It's like a weird, almost uncanny feeling. I don't know how else to describe it

Honestly it kind of fucks you up mentally since you tend to normalize that way of thinking and just kind of pretend everything is fine to others when you're clearly struggling, and it ain't healthy

The things people learn in these kinds of environments as they grow up, internalizing their own emotions and feelings, feeling like you have to be independent all the time and never able to ask for help or make mistakes, all while pushing problems aside to appear functional and well

Anyone else dealing with something similar?

That's it, this is just the permanent reality, I can find new meaning systems to justify the pain, or I can take my own life, but will there never find a true light at the end of the tunnel

For most of my adult life I assumed I was just "not very emotional." I functioned fine. Worked hard, had relationships, raised kids. But there was always this gap between me and other people, between what I felt (not very much) and what I was ‘supposed’ to feel.

I would say "I’m fine" automatically when people asked how I was before I'd even checked. I watched emotional situations but didn't know what to respond. I burned a long-term relationship to the ground, not because I didn't care, but because I genuinely couldn't show up in the way that was needed. And I didn't understand why...

Then in my mid-sixties I read a book (Running On Empty by Jonice Webb) that used the word ‘alexithymia’. I'd never heard the word before, and when I asked my then-therapist about it she suggested it was a professional (i.e. technical) term. But the description — difficulty identifying and describing your own feelings, not suppressing them but genuinely not having access to them — was the first time anything had described my inner life accurately.

Fifty years of confusion started making sense.

The link to childhood emotional neglect came next. Nobody hit me, nothing dramatic happened. But the emotional attunement I needed as a child wasn't there — and I'd spent my whole adult life living with the consequences without knowing it.

I'm 68 now. Still figuring it out. But things are genuinely different — relationships with my kids are better, I reconnected with someone special from my past, and I notice things I used to walk straight past.

I ended up writing a short guide about it — not as a therapist or expert, just as someone who lived it for decades and finally has some language for it. Happy to share if anyone's interested.

I mostly just wanted to ask: does any of this resonate? Particularly for the older men here — I'm curious how many of you recognised this pattern in yourselves later in life.

for context, I was a child who loved dogs all her life. obsessed with them and carried around a dog breed pocket book so I could tick off breeds I saw while I was out. I was so excited to meet any dog I encountered. I loved them.

when I was a teenager, during a manic episode my mom bought the family a dog. I can't blame her for that, she wasn't in her right mind, but the dog breed was not even slightly compatible with the familys inactive lifestyle or house. I told her she should have got us a small terrier but she bought us a working farm dog breed. guess that doesn't matter, but I knew dogs. but she was manic, I can understand that

after a year of trying to make it work, and after shaming me for not walking the dog by myself even tho he was completely untrained and incredibly strong, her and dad decided to give up the dog to a family of four who owned a farm, I was completely heartbroken beyond belief, but I knew he was going to be happier and healthier. I could understand that, even at the time

after crying so hard about my dog being given away, to (I guess) get me to shut up, she promised the we could visit the dog whenever I wanted, since he was going to live near my grandparents house. that did bring me comfort, as sad as it was.

dog was given away, and time passed, I thought about him every day, I asked if we could go visit grandparents and we were on our way. I asked mom if we could visit the dog, like she promised.

and here's the horrific part, she shouts at me and shames me for asking, "I thought we were over that" and "it will just confuse the dog to see you, that isn't fair to him" and I just shut down. that was it. I never mentioned him again.

for years I thought about him and what a horrible thing my mum did to me, it's not even about the dog, but how poorly she treated me afterwards. never once did she sit me down and hold me and tell me she was sorry. I just got silenced for asking about him.

I'm 35 and I still think about the whole ordeal. I can't wrap my head around it. how can u do that to a child. how can you give her a dog, take it away, promise to visit, then shame the child for asking to visit. I felt so unloved and disregarded and like I was just a stain. I felt so uncared for. I honestly don't even have enough words to encapsulate how I felt and how I feel now. it just all feels so bizarre to me. I can't make sense of it. what loving parent does this?

how can I get over this, or how can I make sense of this, did anyone go through similar? is it gaslighting? manipulation? neglect? abuse? what the fuck happened here

Methodology: Insights from 2 Million Minutes of Conversation

This timeline was not built from a textbook. It is the result of a massive data-mapping project, analyzing over 2 million minutes of monthly peer-support conversations from survivors of narcissistic relationships.

When you analyze thousands of hours of raw, unfiltered human experiences, patterns emerge. We noticed that regardless of age, gender, or background, the journey from being "trapped" to being "free" follows five distinct psychological stations. We’ve distilled these patterns into a map to help you understand where you are, why you feel this way, and what to expect next.

Phase 1: The Cognitive Dissonance (The Psychological Fog)

This is the "investigative" phase, where your brain is working overtime to solve a puzzle that has no logic. You are trying to reconcile the person you fell in love with (the "soulmate") with the person who is currently hurting you.

• The Internal Conflict: You find yourself saying, "He/She can be so cruel, but you didn't see how they treated me when we first met." At the same time, another question keeps looping underneath it all: “Is it me?” You wonder if you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or somehow causing the problem, even when something doesn’t feel right.
• Real-Life Example: You spend hours scrolling through old texts or photos, trying to find "proof" that the person you loved still exists. When they explode at you over a minor detail-like the way you parked the car-you find yourself apologizing just to keep the peace, even though you did nothing wrong.
• The Data Insight: In this stage, survivors use the word "But" more than any other. It is a constant tug-of-war between reality and hope.

Phase 2: The Shattering (Grieving the Fantasy)

The "Aha!" moment in a narcissistic relationship isn't usually a happy one. It’s the brutal realization that the person is not going to change because they don't think they have a problem.

• The Internal Conflict: A deep, hollow sense of betrayal. It’s not just about the lies; it’s about the realization that the future you planned was a script they wrote to control you.
• Real-Life Example: You finally stop arguing. When they start a fight, you just sit there in silence because you realize that explaining your feelings is like trying to describe color to someone who refuses to open their eyes. You cry for the "wasted years”, but this grief is actually the beginning of your freedom.
• The Data Insight: This is where the "Trauma Bond" is most visible. Like a physical addiction, your body craves the "highs" of their rare moments of kindness to numb the "lows" of the abuse.

Phase 3: The Detox (Strategic Withdrawal)

This is the most emotionally difficult and vulnerable phase. Whether you use "No Contact" or the "Grey Rock" method (becoming as uninteresting as a grey rock), you are actively starving the narcissist of their "supply" - your emotional reactions.

• The Internal Conflict: You feel like an addict. You want to check their social media; you want to know if they are happy without you.
• Just as you start to create distance, something pulls you back in—a message, a memory, a moment of doubt—and the cycle starts again*.*
• Real-Life Example: They send you a "Hoovering" text - a random message like "I saw this and thought of you" or "I'm so sorry, I've changed”. In the past, you would have jumped at this. Now, you realize it’s just a hook. You feel the urge to reply, but you choose to put your phone in another room and breathe through the anxiety.
• The Data Insight: Our analysis shows that this is the "Relapse Zone”. Most survivors try to leave multiple times before it sticks. Having a community to "hold your hand" during these texts is the #1 predictor of success.

Phase 4: Identity Reclamation (The Quiet Rebuilding)

Once the "noise" of the narcissist is gone, you are left with a terrifying silence. You realize you don't know what you like, what your hobbies are, or even what your favorite food is, because you spent so long catering to them.

• The Internal Conflict: "Who am I when I'm not being a caretaker or a target?"
• Real-Life Example: You go to a movie or a restaurant alone. You realize you don't have to ask for permission. You start reconnecting with that one friend they made you stop talking to three years ago. It feels awkward at first, but slowly, the "fog" clears, and your personality starts to resurface.
• The Data Insight: This is the phase where survivors stop talking about "Them" and start talking about "Me." The vocabulary shifts from "What did he do?" to "How do I feel?"

Phase 5: Integration (Post-Traumatic Growth)

You don't "get over" narcissistic abuse; you integrate it. The experience stops being a gaping wound and becomes a scar - a mark of where you've been and what you've survived.

• The Internal Conflict: You no longer feel the need for a "final showdown" or an apology. You realize that your healing is the only closure you need.
• Real-Life Example: You meet someone new (or a new colleague/friend) and they show a "Red Flag" - maybe a small lie or a boundary push. Instead of making excuses for them, you calmly walk away. You aren't "bitter"; you are simply protected.
• The Data Insight: This is the most beautiful part of our data. Survivors in Phase 5 often become the "guides" for those in Phase 1. They use their pain as a lighthouse for others still lost in the fog.

Where are you on this timeline?

There is no "right" speed. Some people stay in Phase 1 for years; others fly through to Phase 3 and then loop back to Phase 2. The goal isn't to be fast; it's to be honest with yourself.

Last, It’s important to remember that timelines can be tricky and not necessarily this absolute. Also, there are scenarios where there is ongoing contact because of kids etc so everything should be taken on consideration and proportion..

I’ll try to keep this brief:

It’s only been in the last few months that I’ve realized my mom’s behavior isn’t good for my mental health. This realization brought up a lot of childhood memories, and I’ve noticed that many of my mental health issues (anxiety, low self-esteem, depression) stem from the fact that I was completely emotionally neglected. I used to talk to my mom on the phone and text her every day, but now I’ve distanced myself, and that’s really good for me. Sometimes when I visit her, I have to pull myself together really hard, and that takes a lot of energy. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Now I’m forced to spend a week alone with my mom. And just thinking about it makes me feel sick and breaks out in a cold sweat.

What can I do to make the situation more bearable?

Canceling isn’t an option; explaining why right now would go way beyond the scope of this post.

Vcs TB ficam mal em ver que outras pessoas estão melhores q vc e vc tá lá embaixo ainda? Sou aluna de escola pública e comecei a estudar desse ano. Mas tenho alguns conhecidos de escola particular que são muito melhores. Tem base boa, use garantem, já dizem que vai passar.. e eu sempre fico para tars estudando e vendo o básico ainda. Me sinto uma completa incompetente. Vcs passam por isso? Fico até com medo de não passar. Que sensação horrível

Until the day my father died I was just " the commie" to him, and my mother has no idea about anything about me, because she already had a convenient vision of who I am, that goes from political, religious, ethical, and even what foods I "like" (those foods make me instantly lose my appetite, or straight throw them out). My best friend had a similar problem until the day she died, and during the funeral they were mourning someone that never existed.

I have bigger issues than that, but it's not something I have ever experienced being talked about seriously.

I've learned recently that almost all of my friends talk to their parents and share personal information on a regular basis, even multiple times a week, even though a lot of them experienced abuse by at least one parent. It was shocking to me since my parents never abused me, but the extent of my contact is sending happy birthday texts and visiting a couple times a year. I wouldn't consider it "low contact" because it's just the standard default amount of contact from my perspective.

When my friends talk about how they freely share information with their parents, it's just so hard for me to wrap my mind around. To me, the idea of having a conversation with my parents that I wouldn't have with a coworker is unthinkable, and I don't talk to my coworkers about anything other than necessary communication for work tasks.

The thought of telling parents any personal information beyond things like "work is the same as usual" gives me the same reaction as the thought of getting naked and having sex right in front of them; it feels like violating my privacy in an extreme way and humiliating myself. Does anyone else feel this way?

I’m a 15-year-old male and the past few nights during our house shifting have completely broken me mentally. I don’t even know where to begin. Everything started with arguments and fights with my elder brother. At first it was normal shouting, then he started slapping me in front of everyone to show dominance. I reacted back once because I felt humiliated, but after that things kept escalating. He grabbed me by my neck so hard that I struggled to breathe while people stood there watching. What broke me the most wasn’t even the pain, it was seeing my own mother laugh and support him instead of stopping it. I kept thinking maybe I deserved it, maybe I was the problem, but deep inside I knew no one deserves to be treated like that.

One night I hadn’t eaten anything since morning because everything was packed for shifting. I was already exhausted, emotionally destroyed, and surviving on a few ₹5 Kurkure packets I found in my own house because nobody cared enough to arrange food. When I asked for water, my mom told me to find it myself and even said she didn’t care if I died. Those words stayed in my head the whole night. Later my brother again humiliated me publicly just to mock me. I tried staying quiet because I didn’t want more fights, but he kept provoking me again and again. He spat on me, slapped me repeatedly, punched me in the chest, and even caused my nose to bleed. Every time I tried explaining myself, I was made to look like the villain.

I called my dad because usually he protects me from my brother whenever he is around, but he was away for work during all this. I was hoping he would understand how scared and broken I felt. He did try to calm things down and told my mom to take care of me, but when my dad questioned her about everything, she told an entirely different story where I was made to look like the aggressive one who was trying to gain sympathy. That honestly shattered me because I felt like my side of the story didn’t matter anymore and nobody was willing to understand what I was actually going through.

The worst part is that I don’t even want revenge anymore. I just want peace. I want one night where I don’t have to stay awake scared, thinking someone might hurt me again. I locked myself in rooms because I genuinely felt unsafe. I kept telling myself not to sleep because fear had taken over my mind completely. I started thinking about running away, disappearing, or just isolating myself forever because I felt like nobody in my own house cared whether I was emotionally alive or dead. At the same time, shifting houses also meant losing the comfort of physically being around my friends. I never openly talk about family problems with anyone because as a guy I always felt I had to hide my emotions, but honestly gaming with friends was the only thing that ever made me feel normal again.

Right now I feel emotionally shattered, betrayed, and exhausted. I know families fight, but this felt different. I felt mocked, cornered, unsupported, and unsafe in my own home. Maybe strangers online won’t fully understand me, but I think I just needed someone to hear me for once instead of telling me I deserved it.

My n-mom has shown total lack of interest in my 28 years of life. She has no other living family other than her boyfriend who is 18 years younger than her (they bought a home together….).

She calls me once a week out of boredom and I usually don’t care to pick up. When I do, the calls are SO awkward. She completely lacks conversational skills.

In the last year, I graduated from a top 5 school in the US with a super competitive degree, started an exciting job, traveled to 15+ countries, and so many exciting things have happened in my life and the lives of my close friends ( I’ve known most for a decade and she has never met them because she declines every invitation). I am going on a cool trip on Friday and she has not asked a single question when I said "we are leaving for vacation on friday". She doesn't even know where we are going or for how long!

She has not asked about a single item above. She calls and complains about her boyfriend who is almost half her age, her job, her neighbors, her boyfriend’s parents - who are some of the nicest folks in the world.

If I try to share any updates, the line goes totally mute. Total silence. She just sighs/ mouth breathes/ yawns into the phone. She has nothing to say. No congratulations. No follow up questions. No interest at all. I hiked across Europe a few years ago and she did not know where the hell I was and didn’t think to ask. Didn't want to see any pictures or hear stories.

She lives less than 35 minutes away and has never once thought to drive to visit my boyfriend and I in the past 6 years. I have lived in 4 different places during my school years, all within 35 minutes of her home, and she has never visited, asked for the addresses, or offered to help move.

For Mother’s Day I invited her over for dinner. I even gave her a choice of 6 different days across multiple weekends.

She made up a very weird excuse that she was meeting with her friends "Kristie and Carol" that we’re convinced don’t exist. She regularly makes up names of her “friends” in front of people and acts like they have always been so close, when in reality she is either at her part time job or sitting at home watching tv without the lights on. No one has ever heard of these people or met them. She is not in contact with a single old neighbor of ours, any other parents of my school friends, nobody. Just her young boyfriend of a decade that she love/hates.

I asked her about her day with said imaginary “friends” after Mother’s Day and she must have completely forgotten that she had used up that excuse. She told me that she just spend the day at home watching tv that day. She does not have any friends or hobbies and it’s awkward for everyone to nod and go along with it when she makes up imaginary ones.

On the other hand, my good friend had her baby shower last weekend, and her family seemed to have tons of questions for my boyfriend and I, even though we only see those family members a few times a year. They were lovely and caring and genuinely interested in their kids and their friends.

How to cope when your parents tried their best but are/were dealing with their own demons?

I have a hard time acknowledging my own emotions as is and whenever I bring up the subject of my childhood with them and how they should have done this or that they argue with me, because I feel like it brings up feelings of inadequacy for them. But at the same time part of healing is acknowledging things you missed

I understand the generational thing. My parents weren’t shown love from their parents and so didn’t know how to show it to me. My mother tries in her own way (mainly through love heart emojis) and my dad doesn’t at all really. I know they love me and care about me. But they weren’t able to demonstrate that to me during my childhood and still to this day. What do I do about these conflicting feelings?

For context:
No contact 1 year after many years of gaslighting/manipulation/controlling behavior as a child, but mostly as an adult.
Dad and mom have been divorced 38 years. NC with mom for separate reasons (offspring of 2 narcs, whoop).
This email came after a few others; I have not responded to any.

OP,

No one deserves to be treated badly if crimes were not committed; no one deserves to be kept from seeing or talking to their grandchildren.
No one has done harm to you or anything to you or the boys , especially if you were to analyze it by words . 
Some words have been exchanged back and forth but no one has cussed you out or treated you badly of any consequence if you really think about it , it all was some words and disagreements only because we wanted to see and talk to the boys more than you would let us and yes I know you Mom is getting same treatment and none of this is fair them or you, and any where near justice of a crime to get shut out of this way , especially since all we have done is try to apologize for all the misunderstanding and words that happened , for God's sake forgiveness is always there in life . 
Put yourself in our shoes , what if we cut you out of our lives? which no way that would ever happen.
for some silly words of disagreements for no real meaning of harm of any sort and all we have done is beg you to give life 
and our families another chance , OP, your Mother and I have never been more close friends with each other than we are now 
mostly because of all of this that we are going through, and I can't imagine how bad this hurts her as I know she has done nothing like the mistakes I made of words through all this to you.
I feel way more terrible for her feelings than my own and I feel somehow it may be all my fault , just because of the circumstances.
All I know is , no person in life should ever go through this kind of treatment as it hurts so much you can't even imagine what this is like for your Mother or Myself.
Again, we all make mistakes in life but you have to match the crime with the punishment, and this does not even come close to match or justify in any way not to mention how unfair it is 
to OPchild , OPchild and OPchild as they have wonderful grandparents for both sides of family that love them so much and would never hurt them or confuse them in anyway .
All of this can be and should be forgiven and put behind us and move forward in life for a new beginning of peaceful relationships again.
It all up to you to just give us another chance as I know and God knows it will all work out if you do.
When that day comes, and I pray it does soon it will be of great joy and happiness for your Mom and myself and feel so glorious and comforting , you can't even imagine.
OP we Pray you will find it in your heart to give us both another chance.

Love always 
Dad

Context:

What the heck🤡😵‍💫
I’m not crazy to think this is an insane way to speak to someone, especially your 40 yr old daughter. Rightttt???????

I usually get annoyed whenever my Mom messages me. It can be as simple as asking me how I’m doing of what I am doing but I get super frustrated whenever I need to reply to her. I thought maybe I’ve gotten so used to being away (since I’m away for college) from her. I always find my mood being so sour whenever I see her message pops a notification on my phone. Sometimes I think I’m being irrational but I don’t know… Her presence just annoys the hell out of me but then I cannot not be there for her cos we only got the two of us. My sister died and my mom & dad are annulled. Most of the time I despise going home just because I know I’ll get annoyed with her after a few days.

Can someone help me understand why I feel this way? Is it because I’ve held so many grudges over the years? I think I need some therapy LOL!