r/domesticviolence

I’m male, early 30s. My wife is also early 30s. We have been together for around 10 years and married for about a year.

I’m writing from an anonymous account because I do not want to be recognized.

I am in an abusive marriage. My wife screams at me, insults me, calls me a gaslighter and a narcissist, and has physically hit me. There was also a past incident where she threatened me with a knife during an argument. That incident still stays with me.

The abuse existed before our marriage. It is not caused by one single event. Before the wedding, I secretly took out loans in the five-figure range to cover expenses and avoid conflict. I know that was wrong and I take responsibility for it. She found out before the wedding. But the screaming, threats, insults, physical violence, and fear were already part of the relationship before that.

Money has been a major issue for years. She often spent more than she earned despite usually making more money than me. There were expensive vacations, trips, hobbies, credit card bills, and family-related expenses. I paid many everyday costs like groceries and kept trying to make things work financially. I now understand that hiding debt was not a solution, but I also felt unable to say no without the situation escalating.

There is almost no intimacy anymore. Sometimes there is no sex for months, and very little affection. When she screams, I often stop responding because anything I say makes it worse. When she cries, I no longer go to comfort her because I feel emotionally shut down.

At home, I feel like I have to manage everything: chores, cleaning, shopping, fixing problems, and apologizing for things I did not cause. If something goes wrong, I am usually blamed.

I feel safer outside or in public because she is less likely to scream at me or hit me there. Weekends are the worst. When I work from home and the time gets closer to when she comes home, I feel fear in my body.

I am not asking whether this is abuse. I know it is. I am asking how to safely take the next steps.

What should I do first: contact a domestic violence hotline, speak to a lawyer, make a safety plan, separate finances, document incidents, or prepare a place to stay? I would appreciate practical advice from people who have left an abusive marriage or helped someone do it.

About a year ago I finally left my abusive husband of 19 years. I have recently thought of dating and have been texting someone for a bit to get to know him better. We both have kids so haven’t been able to spend time in person. We have a tentative plan to meet next week. I started thinking about what it might be like to want to spend more time with him. And I’ve realized that I’m terrified to be alone with a man again. Has anyone experienced this after abuse? I’m trying not to let fear consume me but I genuinely feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I don’t want to waste this man’s time on my trauma. What to do?

Did I do the right thing?

The other night my husband got upset at my son(his step son). We had a disagreement over a punishment, then all of a sudden my husband said he was going to give my son 4 licks with the paddle and grabbed him angrily. I stepped between them and said no, you’re not doing that then he said he was going to give us both licks, then the next thing I know he grabs us both and says we have to leave and tries yo take us to the front door. I am screaming no, and he grabs my son and shoved him out the front door, then tried to push me out the door, but I refuse and lock it so my son can’t come in, then he starts going around the house grabbing my stuff and throwing it and telling me I have 10 minutes to get out. I keep grabbing my things back trying to gather them quickly and telling him I need more than 10 minutes, I’m screaming desperately. He then goes upstairs and starts to throw my son’s belongings down the stairs and I yell at him to stop because I am in absolute disbelief. I go into my son’s room to get some stuff for him and he is grabbing stuff and throwing it out the window. I am screaming at him to stop, every time he comes close to me I shove him away. He picks up a bat, I get it from him and slam it on the floor and tell him to stop. He then goes back downstairs and it’s all a blur. I told him I was going to call the police, and he said go ahead, so I did, then he stopped. My son and I went to my car to wait for the deputies. He grabbed his things and left before they got there.
Now I am questioning myself. Should I have called the police? I stepped in because I was afraid he was going to hurt my son. But now I know he feels deeply violated that I called the police and he will never speak to me again. I keep questioning myself decision.

I don’t know how to leave. I know that if I’m the one who tries to leave, I’ll end up dead. Today he actually told me “i should just kill you, my life would be so much easier.” He’s told me a couple of times that he hoped I would die, but he never threatened to actually kill me until today. I’m not financially tied to him, I actually am the breadwinner and pay most of the bills. We have a lot of pets together (dogs and cats) so I can’t just leave them with him because I know what he is capable of. If it weren’t for them, I would have disappeared from his life already. I can’t leave my babies behind to suffer. But I just can’t suffer like this anymore. I’m in Reno, NV. There are a lot of things that complicate me leaving and I don’t want to go into too much detail because Reno is a small town. I guess I just wanted to vent. Sometimes I feel like the only way I’m going to escape him is if I die. Either by my own hand or his.

My(31F) husband (32) drives recklessly with me and my son in the car. Mostly road rage related like swerving into other people’s lanes if he thinks they’re getting into his, tailgating, driving in front of people and then slowing down, or zooming past people 20+mph over the speed limit. He also yells and shouts at them and says aggressive stuff from silky stuff like “I hope you stub your toe everyday” to stuff like “I hope you wrap your car around a pole” or “I hope you hang yourself and your mom doesn’t find your body until a week later.” Sometimes it’s just a string of angry cuss words. Often times he makes gestures and starts talking with people like he’s going to fight them.

I have asked him to stop because it scares me and I don’t like that he does it with me and especially not our two year old son in the car. I have told him that the area we live in has had multiple road rage shootings and I feel like he’s not only putting us at risk for a crash, but also for being shot at or something similar. He always says I’m overreacting or trying to control him. Sometimes he will say sorry but then continues to do it. I’ve given up at asking him to stop with cussing people out, but I do let people know that when our toddler cusses it is because of his dad’s road rage. On top of more minor issues, this reason makes me want to file for divorce. We are great friends, it just seems like a boundary is constantly being ignored. And it’s safety involved which I don’t like. I’ve started reading up on this being consider abuse which it really feels like.

The problem is, yesterday he doing the usual yelling at people and cussing them out and then a guy in front of us was going 13mph in a 15mph zone. The guy was in an old truck and it was only 2mph under the speed limit so I didn’t think anything of and then my husband starts honking at him. The guy pointed at the speed limit and my husband started making angry gestures at him and cussing him out. I told him to stop and he kept yelling and honking. The guy in front of us then stopped and was making gestures back at my husband so my husband just started laying on the horn. The guy made some gestures back at my husband and my husband muttered something about getting a fight. I was yelling at him and telling him to stop and he kept saying it was the other guys fault. I started freaking out and was going to get out of the car but was afraid the guy was going to think I was getting out to fight him or come after me or shoot me since I would be an easy target (I know the last two are not probable, but I was in panic mode). I was screaming stop and my husband was ignoring me, he was honking the horn the whole time. I flipped and started yelling and was hitting him in the arm to get him to stop. I don’t know how hard because my hands were numb from being in a panic attack mode.

When the guy started moving I was yelling at him saying stuff like “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I try not to cuss but I was so upset. He just looked at me and said “don’t you ever lay hands on me again.” I apologized but I was also still very angry so I didn’t say anything else. We didn’t talk almost the rest of the night. But he did all the chores he hadn’t done for the next couple of weeks so I was confused. He also wouldn’t interact with our son. I apologize again before bed. It’s the next day and he has only spoken to me about work stuff (we work together).

I’m worried now that a) I went too far and b) if we go for divorce that he can claim I’m the abuser. And I kinda feel like it might be true. I haven’t tried talking about it because I feel like he has a right to be angry and I don’t want to explain away any accountability for my actions.

Anybody have any insight or similar experience?

I am turning 29 in 3 weeks and my husband and I have been together 6 years. He’s had to travel for work 80% of our relationship. He always had a porn habit but never realized how bad it got. On February 7th, I found on his phone that he had been anonymously attempting to sext women through Reddit/snapchat. When I confronted him, he denied and denied until finally blaming me for it, crying, and pulling out a weapon threatening to off himself. He completely trashed our bedroom and my wedding bouquet is destroyed, bed flipped over, broken glass. I’ll try to attach photos in comments. In our first apartment he had also punched holes in the walls twice bc we had a bad argument. He’s broken things around me and pulled out the g*n before after I had found porn. Now I left for a week and he found a therapist and 12 step program for his issue. But later it came out that he had paid over $400 on camgirls last summer and also visited sketchy massage parlors. I’m in a 12 step anon group to get help for myself. Ultimately I want to leave him but I’ve never supported myself before. It’s only 3 months in and I’m nervous. We are in separate bedrooms and just focusing on our own recoveries. He’s yelled at me a lot and hit himself. Other times, he has been thoughtful and kind like doing chores, spoiling me, being thoughtful etc. It’s very confusing bc my urge to file for divorce is strong simply bc I can’t seem to overlook what he’s done. I feel bad for him bc it seems he has serious issues. His late father had bipolar. He is 31 and has yet to be diagnosed.

I feel horrible and in shock. My husband got arrested a few hours ago. He pulled out a sledge hammer to break open the door when I wouldn’t answer the phone or the door. He was threatening to hit me with it and then he started pushing me, grabbing me, and putting his hands around my neck. I grabbed my stuff to leave and then he told me he wanted me to stay. He said that I was, “going to pay,” for not opening the door. And he said he was gonna send someone to kidnap me. I am not ready to leave the relationship. He is probably going to get deported and he can’t get bailed out. I miss him as fucked up as it sounds. I don’t want him to leave. I regret calling the police but I don’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t. I told them I didnt want to press charges but they arrested him anyway.

I'm (41F), and I just need to vent. For the past several years, my husband has not had a job. I have been paying all of the bills. Before he was fired (still not sure why, story vary a lot, being a bully was one of them) that he made 3x what I make but we spilt everything 50/50. For years, I believed he was looking for a job. I would cry to him about how stressed I was, and he would just say he is doing all he can. Most of the time when I get stressed, sad, frustrated, I was told I was bringing him down and that if  I wasn't the happy go lucky, and not allowed him to do whatever he wanted, he feels so bad he can't look for a job.  So, he pretty much played computer games for years while telling me he was looking for a job. All the while I had to go to work, come home deal with dinner, dog, and sometimes cleaning. Household chores were 80/20, with 80% on me and only 20% him (I am being extremely nice with giving him 20%). He is a diagnosis narcissist, but he thinks the dr was wrong about his diagnosis. 
Now the real reason I need to vent. A few weeks ago, he spent a good 2 hours telling me how horrible I am, that I do not do anything for him, that I need to listen to him and agree and not talk back, and how he will not look for a job until I start stroking his ego. At this point I had no energy to comment on, so I just let it go. The next day when I got home, I mowed the lawn and started cooking dinner. While I was cooking, we ended up having an argument about something so stupid. He thought what he was saying was right without listening to what I was saying.

The fight escalated really fast, where he ended up choking me to the point I couldn't breathe. After that he pulled a knife on me. At this point he took my phone from me and started yelling he wanted me out of the house and dragged me by the hair. He ended up calling 911 because in his mind he was not doing anything wrong and told the operator I was having a mental break. He thought that would work because I take medication for anxiety. Cops came and arrested him, and I got an EPO. 

After all that, it feels like I am the only one constantly getting punished. His family member bailed him out the same night. I had to go to work the next day, and work like nothing happened. 2 days later, water heated broke, 3 days after that my check engine light comes on, traffic to work has gotten worse, dealing with Dallas cops with a hit and run. Divorce is in my future, financially it might have to wait a few months. Glad we never had kids.

The last serval years it just feels like I'm being punished for trying to keep everything together. I feel like a failure. Okay I'm off to have a good cry and take whatever crap life sends my way. 

About 9 months ago my ex was living in my house after we had already broken up. In Canada, a no-contact order applies to the accused person, not the victim, which a lot of people don’t seem to understand. I was not violating any court order by existing in my own home while trying to navigate an unstable and frightening situation.

A lot of people say things like “just kick him out” or “just call the cops,” but abusive situations are rarely that simple or black and white. Every time I tried to remove him from my house, even after the no-contact order existed, he would find a way back in. Sometimes he would break down my back door. He also used the no-contact order against me because I didn’t fully understand at the time that it only legally applied to him. Eventually it got to the point where I was exhausted and terrified of dealing with more destruction to my home and belongings.

One night he was drunk/high, started an argument, stole my car, and completely totaled it.

After everything finally came out, he was arrested and charged with 13 domestic violence related charges. Luckily, m​y insurance company did not hold me responsible for what he did.

Even after all of that, I was still afraid he would come back, so I ended up moving. During the process of moving out, he broke into the old apartment. After that incident he finally went to jail for 3 months before eventually being sentenced to 6 months in jail, (but of course, t​hey used "time served") 2 years probation, 800 in fines, 500 in restitution to me, a psych evaluation, the partner assault response program, an a​nger management program and ​substance abuse counseling. This still feels like a slap on the wrist compared to the hell he put me through for YEARS...

Going through this gave me a much deeper understanding of why victims stay as long as they do. When you’re living through abuse, survival and safety don’t always look the way outsiders think they should.

I have an ex that is trying to ruin my credit ability and he posted on the site none of the information is real because I've never even been arrested I haven't even had a ticket in the last 15 years.

Has anyone dealt with this before has anyone had to fight The site to get the information removed that's not true and the defamation?

Not the type to cause confusion but does anyone else experience memory loss after DV events? What does that look like for you?

A few months back ,I got into an argument with a family member over washing the dishes. Now now, I always wash my dishes and others if people forget. But for some reason they were extremely upset that I left some plates out from earlier in the morning. It did get to a boil point where they threatened to throw a glass measuring cup in my face.

I wish I remember what I said to them to cause them to act in such a violent way. But it does not matter because they act aggressive even if you say nothing. It is interesting how the body remembers more than the brain at times. It makes me recognize my mind cuts certain traumatic events out of my mind the project me. I almost thought a knife was pulled on me t some point, however my memory is not the best.

I feel like I don’t know where to start. I’ve had multiple surgeries in the last few months and a miscarriage. On each occasion my “fiance” has bailed. Each time he claimed having things that he “has to do” such as taking care of belongings in storage sheds, moving vehicles and belongings, just all sorts of endless things that are not really urgent in comparison to post surgery support of a partner. Things really became apparent to me around March this year. I had suspected drug use but wasn’t really sure. Turns out he has a massive meth addiction and his ex who is conveniently an escort is who he’s been turning to for months in our relationship. He attacks me and puts me down and has abused me for most of our relationship. He’s gotten physical like really badly. I feel like an idiot for continually letting him back in. I kept making excuses. He came up recently to be there for my surgery and I thought finally this time he understands what he needs to do. But he still let me down. He abused me less than 48 hours post my surgery attacking me saying I was controlling him and telling him what to do. These were the exact phrases that he would use while he was in contact with the ex who is an escort. He sent me his own bank statements to try to show transparency but in these bank statements show that he’s been on Tinder and spending euros on what I suspect to be porn sites. He sent a video to an escort or some other woman off of chatter bait which I saw. He called me a sneaky bitch for looking through his phone but it was only from me doing that out of suspicion and deep deep deep regret that I had to do that but my gut feeling screaming at me that I found out everything. We temporarily separated at that time and I started dating somebody else. He claimed to have put a app on my phone and that’s how he knew that I met somebody else but then he also said that a little birdie told him. I just don’t know what’s true. And after my recent surgery just bailing on me again claiming that he has things “to do” whilst also talking to me about us getting married and having children, what the fuck kind of crack is he smoking? Do you know what I mean? But I also feel like an idiot because why did I keep believing him. I guess what I’m seeking is some sort of emotional support or validation to help me understand how someone could bail another person in their upmost vulnerable time such as post major surgery. And it’s not my first surgery. I cannot comprehend how another human being can say to somebody that they love you and then bail at the utmost critical times and expect that you could have marriage or children together. I’m just looking for some sort of insight in insanity or disturbance that I’m dealing with. He claims to have ADHD. I don’t think he does. I think he’s learnt to use that as an excuse for using meth. Because there are clinical trials and using meth for ADHD. He doesn’t exhibit traits of ADHD. What he does exhibit our traits of emotional and psychological abuse physical abuse so much domestic violence. I did call the police on him once. Because I loved him and didn’t want to send him to jail I thought it was better that he do a DV course which he enrolled in and did. But he missed my my birthday recently, said he’d make it up to me, then wasn’t even here for the actual surgery, claims he couldn’t bear it if something happened to me, then postsurgery is abusing me verbally and bailing on me which in a sense is a form of abuse and I was bleeding and begging him to help me like I can’t lift anything over 5 kg for 2 to 4 weeks. And I said could you please mow the lawn in my house that he was staying in for free. Could you please help out with moving a few things and he laughed at me when I was crying and saying why do you keep treating me so badly. And I said do you just not want to be here and he said yes I wanna be down there referring to the Gold Coast. And so I left. I just left him. And then the next day when I came back trying to repair with some breakfast in a note stating the boundaries that I needed he was gone. No no no phone call no nothing. Just a sook email blaming me for leaving him there alone. He was upset that he was left alone when I was post surgery needing to be cared for. Someone please help me so that I don’t feel completely insane.

​I am looking for advice on how to handle a complicated separation. I (39F) and my partner (40M) have been together for about 5 years. We are not married, but we own a house together. We share two young children together, and I have an older child (14) from a previous relationship.

​Over the years, I have developed severe anxiety just trying to keep the peace. I have spent a long time suffering with a smile, doing everything I can to avoid situations that make him upset because when he is angry, it genuinely scares me. He has a history of throwing things across the room and saying terrible, volatile things.

​I don't even think he realizes that I am completely checked out. I thought we broke up a few times in the past, but because he is so intimidating and enforcing boundaries with him is difficult, things always just slide right back into the same old patterns like the breakups never happened. He thinks everything is fine because I am keeping the peace.

​I feel utterly trapped due to a combination of heavy factors like the house. Neither of us can afford the mortgage alone. He hasn't agreed to sell for over a year now. Also I am genuinely terrified that if I officially end things, he will take one of our shared young children and leave or disappear with them out of retaliation. He has mentioned in the past during agreements that him and the one child will move out and I can have the other?

Because of his history of throwing objects and verbal hostility, I am afraid of his reaction when he realizes this isn't just a temporary rough patch and that he is losing control of the situation.

​I know I need to leave for my sanity and my children’s safety, but I am paralyzed by the logistics and the fear of his reaction.

​What are the absolute first steps I need to take to prepare for a safe exit while he still thinks everything is status quo?

​How can I legally protect my children—specifically preventing him from fleeing with our shared children—before I officially tell him it's over?

​He has never been physically abusive but is very emotionally abusive and manipulative. I'm just not sure where to start its all so overwhelming.

, (38 yr old f) am so tired of my husband's (39 yr old) antics. He takes my personal phone and just keeps it and lies, saying he doesn't know where it is. This keeps happening. He also has taken my personal identification, my birth certificate, my social security card, my car keys, the title to my car.

He has no reason for taking my phone. He knows better. This is effecting me to the point where I just want to run and hide but can't because I have kids (we have 4 kids together. He was not always this way) to provide for, I have a new job I love, but because of his actions, I just want to not do anything. I have tried to talk to him about his behaviors, but nothing helps. His family enables his behavior as well so I can't turn to them to advice. Any help would be great

Hi everyone just going through a situation right now and wanted to hear your opinions, just needing some help so plz be kind. (not sure if this needs NSFW, but did it in case)

I have been with my bf for 9 years now (we are in our 20s) he is a very manipulative person as i'm sure you have all been through. He's done everything bad you can imagine, from the emotional abuse, the physical and cheating. But with all of this he can be the nicest person on earth, knowing what I like, knowing how to care for me etc, which I guess is why I have stayed so long and still felt love.

However recently i've felt a big switch in how I feel about him and being around him, I have seen that he has a massive porn addiction and endless files of girls across all sites and paying for their content every week from onlyfans. He looks at this multiple times a day and its really affecting me. It just feels like a massive betrayal. And deep down it hurts more because this has been going on since the day I found out he cheated. I cannot bring this up with him (I have in the past and he gets emotionally and sometimes physically abusive).

What are some of your thoughts on this? I don't have any one I can talk to about this (due to him scaring everyone away).

I just want to gain the strength to not care anymore so I can gather the courage to leave.

I know this is dumb to be hung up on. But here I am.

Yesterday was supposed to be our first wedding anniversary. I knew I’d hear from him. I braced for it. But somehow I still wasn’t ready for him to lash out and blame me 100% for our demise and accept zero responsibility for his own actions. He is a narcissist. He was manipulative. He was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive in the cruelest ways. In the beginning he used to apologize. By the end, the abuse was always my fault. I guess I hoped with time apart he’d realize some self-blame. But no. Everything was still my fault. I pushed him to be abusive. I rage-baited him to hurt me.

I hate that he still gets under my skin. I hate that it still bothers me that his narrative to himself and his people is so inaccurate. I’m not engaging with him anymore. I’m not arguing. I’ve learned that lesson at least. I just wish I didn’t care.

For now I’m going to try to focus on gratitude and being thankful that my pets and I are out of the worst of it and don’t have to live in fear anymore.

Hello,
I reported my abusive ex partner about a year ago and he was finally charged with the following
Threat to sexually assault
Threat to destroy property
Production of an intimate image
Distributing the intimate image
Threat to share intimate image
He recorded us having sex with a camera on the roof of his bedroom without my consent..
I have evidence of all this, I have the video, texts of him threading to rape me and burn my house down. And him admitting to recording the video.
I have an IVO and he breached it once and is being charged separately for that I think. He would also threaten to kill himself, and he made fake documents that he had a heart condition when he actually didn’t

Anyway I am just so confused and no one is giving me a clear answer on what his punishment could be, does anyone have any experience in a case similar to this and what were the legal outcomes for the offender?? He’s just an evil person and it’s frustrating me not knowing what could happen or if he will just get away with it
Thank you in advance

so me (F17) and my boyfriend (M18) have been dating for two months and he hits me really hard as a “joke” he says its a joke but it doesn’t feel like it. he also likes to comment on my weight as a “joke” and whenever i show any kind of reaction he’s always like “im jus kidding” mind you he says he’s also schizophrenic? and he didnt even tell me that right away he was schizophrenic i had to listen to him talk to my counselor and thats how i found out. this is my second real life relationship and i dont know what to do i can explain how he acts

so yesterday we were in the hallway and before our 3rd period class starts i have gym 2nd period and its from the basement to the 2nd FLOOR so i’m out of breath and obviously (not to mention im also overweight) so he comes and im out of breath and “he’s like why are you out of breath” dont really remember the exact words but then in the hallway as people are trying to get to class he screams “lose some weight!!” or something along those lines of my weight he does this twice and im extremely embarrassed because people are walking by and everyone can hear him because hes fucking yelling but whatever, i dont say anything because what can i say to him , he doesn’t listen when i say stop or anything so fast forward to my fourth period class were walking to my fourth period he literally smacks my tit so i hit him back because i let that slide for too long not tryna risk to break a nail so then he hits me harder so i hit him again and hes like i dare you to do it again and at this time his friend is like “you cant hit girls (his name) and basically says how he doesn’t care if i remember correctly and so were still in the hallway he hits me so hard on my shoulder it echos through the hallway and then i let out a scream and then his friend is like “you cant do that” then proceeds to say im his property and he can do whatever i go to class angry and pissed and sad and he sits nexts to me i dont say anything to him because like why would i yk then a couple minutes later he proceeds to put his arm over my shoulder and is like “i didnt mean to hit you that hard” and other stuff i dont remember because i was dissociating and i also had my headphone in my ear so i couldn’t really hear anyway then he lets go and doesn’t speak to me for the rest of the period and doesnt speak to me after class. then i start to blame myself for some reason im actually debating posting this but yeah

and of course we have our good moments they dont last long obviously but i think thats why i stay, any advice is appreciated :/

After the break up and when I got help and the restraining order I was so miserable I lost 20 pounds in the span of 2 months. I became physical sick and ill from being detached from him. For the first time in 2 months, things are finally becoming okay. . If you can take any advice from me, it’s to do ANYTHING to take your mind off things, stay busy, get a new hobby, be with friends and family, go on walks and get into the habit of NO CONTACT. I really recommend getting a restraining order. It helps create a mental wall that you can’t go back because you went through a legal process to obtain the order. Also if you are facing DV from a relationship, especially if you are young like me, even if you believe you will never find love again or trust someone enough to in a relationship, remind yourself that dating is only one aspect of life. You lived before without him and you can live after him.