r/domesticviolence

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married 2.5, and have a 2 year old together. Starting this year, he has been physically violent twice. He shoved me back in February and sprained my toe, and a couple weeks ago he pushed me off the deck. First he said he didn't push me, and then he said it was an accident, when it clearly wasn't.

Since we have been together, his substance abuse has only increased (both weed and alcohol). But he did stop gambling, once I discovered he had used my credit cards to gamble several thousand on sports betting the night after my baby was born (we were still in the hospital). He absolutely refuses any type of therapy.

Each time I try to ask him to cut back on weed or alcohol, we argue. He does not see a problem with it and insists I am too controlling. I am almost starting to believe him.

After this most recent argument where he pushed me off the deck, I have been more seriously considering leaving. But I am scared because I feel I will miss him. I cannot picture living on my own with my baby. When he is being nice, things are good and I enjoy his company. But he is also mean a lot. During the first 3 months postpartum, he would call me an ungrateful bitch or tell me to shut the fuck up if I asked him to please be quiet. Those remarks traumatized me on their own, because I didn't know he could even be that mean. He says it is because of the sleep deprivation. Maybe it is? He told me the other day he is ready for another baby.

I feel like I'm anxious more often than not now, and I just don't know the right path to take. Any advice is welcome!

As hard as it is. We’ve been together the last 7 years, married for 3.
He has been physically, and mentally abusive. Especially when i was pregnant and postpartum.
Today, i told him how deeply that has hurt me and how deep it cut me - he cried and looked into my eyes and said he will never ever do anything like that again to me. The hardest hug. It feels so convincing.. it feels like a trap.. what if he is changing and i am making the wrong decision?
He built me a chicken coop, a shop, bought our daughter a pony, and is a pretty hands on father - but at the same time he is very narcissistic even though he has me convinced i am. I am so lost and confused. I don’t even know my reality. I already have 800$ saved up in a safety deposit box at the bank with my daughter’s birth certificate. I have loads of evidence of his abuse. I already left him once after postpartum. I am 25. I don’t want my life to be this way. He tells me i need to stop thinking about the past and move on. What if i am not even being abused like he claims? He tells me he loves me so much. I guess i feel alone with my thoughts, and am searching every page of domestic violence and divorce topics for some type of validation for me leaving? Why do i even feel the need to feel validated to leave?? I don’t know.

The last time I saw my therapist, I was explaining to her the things he would put me through and how bad it was, and she took a deep breath and said I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure that he has antisocial personality disorder based on everything you’re telling me and then we went through the traits of it and the characteristics and it all fits him to a t. I know she’s not diagnosing him, but this just makes so much sense to me and everything is clicking. I finally understand why he could never truly love me. and I finally understand why he never really cared. he was sick. and incapable of it. at least now i can move on without blaming myself… sighhhh i hate my life.

My husband in response to an argument over what kind of dog food to get for the dog assaulted me in the worst way he ever has. He's pushed, pulled hair, shoved me down, but today it was a lot more than that, and I was afraid for my life. At the end, he cornered me in a bedroom and sat in front of the door and wouldn't let me have my phone or computer or leave and he was escalating again. The neighbors must have heard me scream, because the police arrived. He was arrested and taken to jail in minutes.

I was in a daze. Pictures were taken. I was visibly wounded. I hurt. I had to write a statement. The EMS came. They wanted me to go to the ER bc of the injuries. I did. I took my psychiatric service animal (not an ESA, a service dog) with me. I was in the ER for 12 hours with the forensic nurse and having a CT scan and more pictures taken. An officer from a different city where he recently assaulted me before we moved showed up and charges are being pressed in that city. There are a few niche caveats of how he hurt me that the forensic nurse is in the process of having the authorities escalate to the commonwealth attorney which will be felony charges.

I said the wrong thing to a doctor when I first arrived about the self-harm. I talked about the intense stress i've been under with all this and moving and recently with my teenage daughters with whom i have always been so intensely close making the decision to leave my home and inform me they want to live with their dad bc they can't take living in this environment and i completely understand this, i do. they are angry at me. i understand this, too. i have tried and failed to leave so many times. i am just glad they weren't here today.

i felt confident and ready to leave and like i could do this and then i was informed they were forcing me into the mental hospital. i have no friends or family here as i'm isolated from his abuse. the emergency safety nets to foster at the humane society weren't working tonight. my cats were going to starve. and my service animal wouldn't be permitted to go with me so i would have to literally abandon her in the hallway before they took me inside. I grabbed my shit and i got out of there and got an uber and went home. then my phone was dying and i left my charger there and hadn't one here, because of the move i don't even have clothes here, and he has the apartment we are moving out of. i called 911 and told them calmly my phone was dying, i couldn't uber back, and i'd be waiting for them to come get me. an officer came over and said i seemed fine and if i wanted to say here that was fine.

so i am in bed now with my cat and my dog and just trying to hold myself together, jumping at every noise fearing that maybe it is him coming in. or even worse honestly, waiting for any moment that the police could show up and forcibly haul me off to an institution while my precious animals who are literally the only thing i have in this world right now that comfort me will be left to starve.

this has been the worst day of my life. if anyone is reading this and may be in the early stages of narcissistic abuse, let me be a cautionary tale. and if anyone is awake and has experience with this or wants to chat like please reach out. i have been so isolated. i could really use an internet stranger to be my friend right now.

Hi All,

The other week my mom's car was broken into the same way her ex-boyfriend over ten years ago did. Camera footage in the complex wasn't good enough to catch his face, but it was done very aggressively, and nothing was taken. No other cars in the parking area were touched as well, and there were some nicer models there, so we're pretty sure it was him.

He lived out of state, but we're assuming he's moved back down. She's rightfully become extremely paranoid about him breaking into her house, or even going for her car again because the repair costs may get too expensive. Does anyone have recommendations on certain safety devices? I was thinking some sort of alarms for windows and slider doors, a Ring Doorbell, and definitely some sort of dash cam that can run even when the car is off, but really am feeling overwhelmed with options.

Also if there is any help on what to do about this? I'm hoping mainly the dash-cam might help to identify him to take to the police since we have nothing concrete, but I really am at a loss on what I can do.

I really just want her to be able to sleep at night and be able to go to work a bit more comfortably. Thank you for any help.

I met my ex 9 years ago, we were friends for 6 years and then we got together 3 years ago after he kissed me when I was with my ex ex and that relationship broke down after 10 years of being with him and moving to another country with him. We were happy, we got engaged Jan 2025 and were set to marry in April 2026. He called the wedding off a week before by sending an email out to the guests before telling me he was actually doing it. We went through a rough couple of weeks and then were trying to make it work but at the end of May he strangled me and pushed me over and we had a physical fight. I didn’t press charges on the night but he took all the money out of the account and then I pressed charges with the police. It’s been 6 weeks now and there’s a court order so we can’t speak to each other. We bought a house together in January and we got a loan for some of it from his dad (who’s very wealthy). I received a letter from his dad’s company with a caveat for the house, apparently his dad can sue both of us for the money we owe. I’m trying my best to get the charges dropped and have been told that can happen but haven’t heard back. But now I’m worried his dad is going to come after me and wondering if I should do it?

I have fought so incredibly hard to keep myself and my son safe. We finally escaped his dad last year after we were together 8 years and right before my son's 3rd birthday and it's been hell, not as bad as it was with his father around but still so hard. I got shitty advice from legal aid and was told my 50b wouldn't be granted by a judge unless I agreed to give his father visitation , and in hindsight that was bullshit and did nothing but put my son in so much more danger. That man has done everything possible to hurt me, violated the 50b 6 times, cut my son's curly shoulder length hair completely off while he had him for the weekend, destroyed clothes and shoes I've sent my son in, and finally he filed for joint custody after I put him on child support. He has physically hurt my son numerous times during his visitation, and no one would do anything about it.

We just signed our custody paperwork 2.5 weeks ago (he only got to keep his every other weekends and a very limited holiday schedule) and not even two weeks later he's in jail again for drug paraphernalia which violated the probation he was put on for violating the 50b and assault on a female (me). I called DSS to investigate him for obvious reasons, and when they talked to my son he told them his father has been touching him. I have never felt like such a failure as a mother. He refused to agree to go no contact with my son against DSS wishes, and they basically said there's nothing more than can do besides continuing the investigation and hopefully pressing charges after my son is evaluated and interviewed. Legal aid was closed for the holiday. My lawyer told me just to send him anyway so I don't violate the custody order. DSS said I had to send him for the same reason. My caseworker told me to file a 50c which was the incorrect type of protective order so the court denied it. NO ONE WOULD HELP ME. All anyone could say is "well if you don't you can be found in contempt".

So I kept my son, I didn't allow him to go for visitation this weekend. I don't care what any of them have to say, I cannot and will not send my son somewhere where he is being sexually abused. So now I have to worry that I could go to jail because I violated a court order to keep my son safe because not a single fucking soul would help me legally. I don't understand. Why is DSS so useless? Why go to his father and ask if the allegations are true knowing my son was supposed to visit that weekend? His dad is dangerous, my son could've gotten hurt, beat, or worse; sadly I know what his dad is capable of.

Why should I have to be afraid to keep my child safe from an alleged sexual predator? Why should I potentially face jail time because DSS has opened a sexual abuse case but refuses to keep him from going back to his abuser? What kind of fucked up country is this? Why doesn't anyone care enough to stop this from happening?

If anyone has any advice or even just well wishes please send them my way, I could really use them.

Please be kind.

I (27F) have been with my husband (40m) for 5 years now. Over the course of our relationship, we’ve gotten into about a handful of physical altercations, today being one of them. I think this is where a lot of people will stop and be like what the heck are you doing still in the relationship, and that’s valid, but my response to that is we’ve always worked it out thinking that it wouldn’t happen again.

Anyway, we hadn’t been getting along for a few days and I’ve been giving him space which is what we talked about in our couples counseling. We were talking about what has been going on and it honestly felt like a snowball, the issue just kept getting bigger and bigger, we started calling each other names, and we finally landed on finances. I don’t really know how much detail I should go into about it, but a previous argument got brought up and we both had different accounts of it. I started to cry, he was mocking me (which is a trigger of mine) and I started to throw things at him. I threw a can of cashews, a plastic water bottle, and a baby bottle. We were both sitting on the couch, and got on top of me and he pinned me down, was grabbing my neck and my shoulder, he was yelling in my face, and I don’t remember what else because I was focused on getting out and getting to our toddler. I got out and went to him. There’s finger prints on my neck from his hands.

Now I just want to say, I know I instigated the altercation by throwing the items at him and that is a form of domestic abuse. My husband and I both have never had instances of violence in our previous relationships and so for me, it’s just coming down to that we bring out the worst in each other and need separate. Having witnessed my parents DV, I never thought I would be in this position. I hate that it happened this way, but it’s like a light a went off. I’m not in a good position financially to hire a divorce lawyer. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do/result? Since there is a history of violence on both ends, I am nervous about the divorce/child custody process and repercussions.

I need your honest opinion.

We never get physical. One time 2.5 years ago when he betrayed me and lied to me we got in a huge fight and we’re breaking up. We both drank. I came at him physically once. He’s much stronger than me. I never did again.. we got in a huge fight again 2.5 years later (I mean we argue and stuff but don’t get physical) and he just kept poking at me and twisting the knife with his works just trying to provoke me… I was writing down notes for therapy.. he strong armed me and grabbed my phone and threw it in floor. I was trying to get off the bed to get my phone he held me down in the bed and was like holding me down and wouldn’t let me go (I have a baby with him and I’m 14 wks pregnant) he grabbed my by the stomach and I screamed I’m pregnant! After when he kept getting in my face ( I was back on bed breastfeeding baby back to sleep) and trying to get a reaction out of me triggering me with hurtful words so I like kicked him off the bed to leave me alone and he’s like oooh you’re gonna do that? I should record. He starts recording me. Zooming in on my face laughing… I get up again he’s still pointing his camera at me. I’m not even doing anything but giving him the death stare to stop. I’m sooo fed up at that point. I’m like stop should I call the police?! I dial 911 just to tease him.. and hang up quickly and it was too late.. they call back and I’m like I’m sorry I swiped the SOS button in my screen on accident everything is good. Cop drove over here to check in 10 later I said it’s all good and he drove away. The rest of the night we were fighting and he kept recording me and I was so mad I was trying to grab the phone from him obviously he’s stronger… as my arm jerks and hit him in the neck he’s like did you just punch me in the neck? (Purposely saying this bc he’s recording a video still) and then he starts threatening me like great now I have a video of you to send in. I call the cops and they’re gonna arrest you. Mind you u have three kids of my own from my late husband who passed away 5 years ago. He is now threatening me to have me arrested and have my kids taken from me. Nothing can trigger someone more like being told your kids taken from you. I start crying and pushing him like you’re gonna threaten to take my kids from me?! Are you kidding? He’s like ohhh you’re coming at me again? And then baby wakes up she needs to be breastfed back to sleep and he grabs her as she’s crying and saying yes I’m not giving her to you she’s not safe around you.. I’m like omg stop torturing her let her go back to sleep. Finally gives her back and says ok but I have to watch you. Then we are arguing he’s like you hurt my wrist (probably when he was holding phone and i was trying to grab it) and I’m like oh I’m sorry you’re weak? He’s like ok. That’s it. I’m calling cops they’re gonna report you. And walks out like he’s calling…. Im laying there wondering if he is really gonna do that if I should get dressed if they’re gonna come for me. He ended up going to sleep in basement. Next day we got into it again and he gets mad and he’s like that’s it I’m going…. I’m trying to celebrate our daughter’s first birthday and do a smash cake and he leaves. He said to get away. But he filed a police report again me saying I punched him in the throat and got on top of him and had my arm around his neck… he sent them video of me trying to grab his phone and where he says did you just punch me in my throat. He tells me a day later and says I have to go get questioned by police. My whole world comes crashing down. Cops said if he didn’t close the case I would be arrested. I feel completely betrayed. Yea I reacted and I was hurt like a hurt little girl fighting a man who’s stronger than me and also bullying me until I reached a breaking point. It’s not like we get physical or I’ve attacked him or come at him like that like this is consistent thing??? I understand filing a report when you’re abused but I didn’t even hurt him, he told cops he’s not hurt but his neck was sore… that I got in top of him while he was sitting and tried to choke him… he agreed to close case and told me to tell the cops I just pushed him and tried grabbing his phone. They have me down for strangulation and 2 churns of domestic battery 😭😭😭 (hitting him and throat and punch in the chest— which literally I barely did that I more like pushed him with my fist, as he was backing up) I was so enraged and hurt by this betrayal. I came home and he’s asking for forgiveness and that it was a “mistake” but this is now in the system under my name forever. I am so heartbroken and sad. I’m pregnant with your second child back to back. I’m exhausted and tired. We got in a fight. We could’ve come back together and made things right. It’s almost like this manipulative tactic of poking someone until they react and then blaming them for reacting and playing the victim. Now he can hang hang it over my head that he can just make one more call and I will be arrested. The first day he was apologizing and saying he made a mistake and he will do anything to me this relationship. Then the next day he’s threatening me again and saying hey at least I know he will never raise your hand at me again and if you do, I will call the police and you will be arrested.. I don’t want to live in fear with a man like this. Do you think that he did the right thing reporting me after this?? Also the fact that he wants to just make up and forgive each other and move on in the relationship and I just can’t see that happening. I feel like he’s betrayed me on a level that I just don’t see him as the same person anymore. I feel so hurt and backstabbed and I’m not making excuses for my actions. I just think that from one fight like this I think it’s not fair that he reported me like that and they put me down for three different assaults or whatever I am so sad… I have three kids of my own and two with him and about to be a mother of five. We had a good life together. I own the house and he lived with his mother and then when we met, he moved in after a short time then he has it good he doesn’t even pitch in as much and gets to save money on the side for himself while I cover the costs mostly for everything… sure he split some bills for him, but to even rent a house like this, he would be paying so much more. I don’t know what the right thing to do is just forgive him and make peace and move on for the sake of family and kids and work through counseling and therapy? Do I just keep him at a distance now and we work on coparenting? I’m just so sad and heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. If he goes to court against me and we fully break up then he has this report against me to use against me to try to get why he wants. He’s living at his mom’s now. And he has included his mom in our drama or anytime we would get in a fight every time and his family gets way too involved. It’s like I’m in a relationship with him and his family and everything always has to be a sitdown discussion with them if they get involved in our argument or fight . I don’t know what to do. What’s your view? Thanks in advance for reading this.

EDIT: what he did when he was strongarming me on the bed was several hours before the cop thing and triggering me again and he claims he was holding me down to protect our daughter who was on the bed and said I was thrashing and throwing myself (like no dude I was literally just getting off the bed) the gaslighting is so real. He says if I dare file a report against him he will open the case again and I’ll be arrested. Actually in my anger I called him names and wished bad things upon him and now he’s the one acting like a angel in texts and tries not to say anything bad (maybe he’s actively building a case against me) so if anything I messed up by saying so much out of hurt and anger and he now says he can use that also or file harassment against me etc. that things I said to him are not in my favor. So yea I didn’t think in my anger was was lashing out at him, calling names etc. :/

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ❤️ for taking the time to respond. I can’t express how much it means to me that strangers on the internet can be so kind and do that to support someone.

I (F28) am in a relationship, that probably classifies as abusive. We’ve been together for 6 years and have two children now. I’m pregnant again. My husband is really aggressive, controlling and violent.
He controls everything, like my phone, friends and even my clothes sometimes. If I don’t listen he goes crazy and starts calling me names or hitting me.

He often hits or punches me, pulls my hair and drags me, bites me, grabs my throat etc etc. In bed it’s horrible and he forces me so many times. To have sex or to do specific things. The police has been over a few times but don’t really do anything. I’m too scared to leave because he says he will kill me and I believe him. I just don’t know what to do.

Does anyone know? I’m in the Netherlands.

Basically, my dad started flipping out over the pans not being in the spot he wanted them to be in the kitchen cabinet. Instead of politely asking my mom to make sure that they end up in the right spot, he started screaming and cussing at her, who was in the middle of making him breakfast. He said that he didn’t want us (me and my sister, maybe her boyfriend) using them anymore, and that he didn’t want her to make him breakfast. He then, out of nowhere, threatened to break my sister’s new computer that was given to her by her boyfriend, presumably because it was on the kitchen counter, and he always pulls the “it’s in the way” card. Thankfully he didn’t break it. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, and when it got quiet, I went over to the basement door to finish my laundry, since I could get there quickly. As I was walking downstairs, he said to me “I need you guys to put things back where they go”. I ignored him, cuz I felt like whatever I said would either set him off more, or set me off. He then said “You hear me?” And I had no choice but to respond “yeah, I heard you.” He began to get more aggressive, and out of my view I heard him slam something, which was either the pans or the breakfast. I then heard him say “yeah, clean that up”. This is not the first time he’s done this by the way, and although they’re long stories, he has physically attacked my mom and even my little sister before. I don’t feel safe in this house, and nor does anyone else, even if they refuse to admit it. I’m tired and I feel out of options, because I don’t know how my mom would react, considering that she’s let this slide so many times, and if I get kicked out, I’m not financially responsible enough to find a place to stay, or even live. I’m not ready to be by myself, but this has gone on for years, and I’m tired. What should I do?

My wife is incredibly abusive. I don’t think she understands or has any awareness of what she is doing. She is possible BPD/Schizophrenic.

Acts psychotic with our kid around. Like hysterically screaming, flailing her body, banging the floor, beating her chest and running sideways while hysterically screaming, passing graphic murder threats, slapping me, biting me all the while my kid present

She has paranoia and narcissistic tendencies. She has no empathy, compassion or any concern for other people’s emotions. She also holds a high paying job and does really well there. But then she will come home and curse her boss, colleagues and wants all of them to die. If someone in her team is pregnant, she will literally pray for the baby to die - biting her tongue making a hissing noise

We don’t have weapons in the house. Besides the slapping and biting, there is no major physical violence.

Has anyone had their abuser arrested for abuse like this? Or arrest is only for more serious DV? I keep watering down her abuse and convincing myself that this isn’t as bad. I have also gotten used to it and it doesn’t surprise me as much. It affects me but I am used to being a victim

My husband (40) and me (30) have been together 10 years. We’ve had ups & downs over the years as we’ve had 2 young kids and financial struggles but I’ve always considered our marriage mostly happy and we communicate ok. Sex has always been a bit of an area of tension, we have good sex & feel connected but he would like it much more. We are usually once or twice a week but he starts to get really sexually frustrated after a few days and will start pestering me or groping me when the kids aren’t looking. He will pester me when we go to bed and try to ‘change my mind’ after I’ve said no , or he will take me hand and move it to him and try to get me to start sexual things. Other times i will wake up in the night and he is touching me or mast*****g on top of me saying he ‘can’t sleep’ as he’s so frustrated. He knows I don’t like it, I’ve told me so many times. I know it’s not great but I understand he has a high drive, I have accepted this as a part of him over the years.

However, 4 months ago this escalated. I was 3 months pregnant and was not been feeling like it. It had been about 2 weeks with no sex from memory. He tried it on in bed and I declined and turned my back to him. I was drifting off to sleep and he forced himself on me. I froze and cried, although quietly, until he finished. He then rolled over and went to sleep. In the morning her apologised and said he had hit rock bottom and if he promised to get therapy and it would never happen again could I forgive him. I said yes and I’ve tried to move forward.

I love him. We’re about to have another baby. He’s a great father. He’s been near perfect since this incident. But I can’t forget it. I am so anxious all the time, I’m having nightmares , struggling to enjoy intimacy and sometimes I look at him and want to cry my eyes out - how could you do that?!? I really feel like I’m breaking down mentally but pretending happy families.

Please help . What can I do ?

I need some validation about how I’m feeling because I’m struggling to wrap my head around it. So I was victim of strangulation about 8 months ago. When this occurred it was after we got into a physical altercation I had open hand hit him a few times but never came at him with a weapon. We had a tumultuous relationship, and I did cheat. Does me cheating and him only acting on it once change the statistic that men who strangle their partners in DV are 750x more likely to murder them
In the future? Or because I treated him poorly, he probably won’t do it again. I’m not saying that’s how I feel but I’m wondering what other people think or have dealt with a similar situation

It’s been 10 long hard months. I finally gave in and tried this medicine for horrible night terrors. It has been working wonders and I can sleep. My new insurance requires a 14.82 copay. I don’t have that until next Thursday. I have tried good rx and local. Even tried getting a short supply. They have returned with a vengeance and with this weekend coming up I’m terrified. Any copay resources for survivors? Short of going to the ER which an entire new bag of worms. I even tried calling therapist who is out of town until Tuesday so can’t get the 30 day supply cut to afford. Afraid I won’t be able to do this weekend with my kiddos with these nightmares :(

Hi I’m in UK. Has anyone here done a victims right to review and had a positive outcome?

Thanks

I feel so guilty. I feel like i am all he has & he is all I have.... I'm so scared, but i know I'm doing the right thing for my kid. I'm destroyed emotionally. How do i start the healing....

The physical violence has been 2 years. I don’t know how or if I could ever crawl out of this or get the courage to leave for good.

He’s been at his lowest for 2.5 years, quit his job, I’ve been the only one working or keeping our livelihoods afloat at all. He sabotages my work, I lost my last job because of him. Yet he beats me if I’m running even 1 minute behind schedule because we can’t afford for me to not work.

I’ve been beaten so badly I need to take time off work, and it always seems to get worse when I’ve got a good opportunity going for myself, or something important like my finals for school. My face being black and blue, unable to walk, bulging hematoma bruises on my body because he’s hit me so hard.

I’m 5 foot, 110 pounds. He’s 6’2” nearly 400 pounds. He barely has to flick me to knock me to the ground, yet he sometimes put his full force. If I flinch or my body reacts naturally by trying to cover itself (arms up or covering my torso) he’ll slap me and pin my arms back so he can punch my stomach again without me flinching. I’m afraid I have brain damage because my mind feels so much more slow compared to before we met.

There’s a lot of sexual abuse. He makes me pleasure him or watch him while he looks at AI deepfake photos of my mom and sisters because he knows it hurts me. He’s make me say disgusting things while he does this to encourage it or else I get beaten and dragged by my hair. He makes me take really gross nudes and post them online or makes me sleep with other men so he can record it. He’s made me sell my body on the corner. He’s stolen my money to sleep with prostitutes and or use it on onlyfans and chaturbate.

There’s so much more, the physical abuse alone is a lot, but every day is mental torture. He tells me I’m the abusive one, that his abuse is reactive and I’m the monster and making him do this. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I love him, because he’ll be nice for a few days, so loving and affectionate, apologetic and trying to have a normal day with me. It’ll be how we used to be when we first met before we got married. We’ll have good conversations and he’ll tell me he’ll finally accept therapy and to go to the doctors. And then it all comes crashing down again.

In the times I feel like I love him I feel like it’s my brain protecting myself because I know I physically cannot ever leave him again. So I have to accept being brainwashed in order to not go insane. I tried, twice, and each time ended very very badly. With how many nudes and videos he has of me, the stuff he’s forced me to do, I could get in trouble, I could lose everything too including any family I have left and I would have nowhere to go. I can’t drive, I live in a car dependent city with little public transportation. I’m trapped. And there’s a part of me that does feel like it’s all my fault, his mental state at the least not the physical abuse, so I can’t just go. I sometimes fantasize he’ll have a medical emergency or that the police will be called so I can get away.

He will die if I go, he has regressed to a childlike state. All he does is game and eat. Cry and throw tantrums like a child, and beat me. Disgusting sex stuff, cheating on me constantly. But he cannot hold a job whatsoever, even if he landed one, he’s too obese to physically do it, and his social anxiety would make him quit immediately. He has no friends (I mean literally zero) no family who is able to take him in (they all refused when I left him this last time) and no where to go. He is absolutely fucked without me, and yet he also tells me he’s fucked with me too.

I keep wondering if domestic violence has ever gotten better for some people. If the abuser turned it all around and the relationship was able to heal and be different. I don’t know if that ever will between us, but nevertheless I hope something does shift for the sake of getting to live past age 30.

I apologize if this has been too graphic. I have not a soul I can tell this to in real life, and I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it. Next week is our marriage anniversary and I don’t know how to handle it. I fantasize that I don’t wake up because I can’t handle his abuse anymore. I want to get away but I can’t. Any encouragement helps. I’m sorry for your pain too, and for putting mine in your life too.

Hi, I have been living with my boyfriend in the same room for last 2 years, it is a dreamy live-in relationship. He is too educated, an IIT graduate, works in the same industry as mine, makes as much money as I do, well spoken, good looking, very caring for most of the time, wants to marry me like tomorrow, saves for our future, loves travelling, took me to places I could never go on my own, talks with so much appreciation about me to others.

The problem is- whenever we are in an argument, he gets extremely mad and become a totally different person, initially he just used to hit doors/ tables/ walls, once broke my iphone, then eventually I feel it has become more physical, he holds my face and neck to pin me down, pushes me here and there, twists my arm, he has never slapped me/ punched me and never uses his full force ofcourse but I am half his weight and height. Recently I have slapped him back twice to make him realise that this is wrong, but nothing changed. I tried to have a conversation with him saying I am worried if this continues after we marry, he said this is not called hitting and that I have also hit him so that makes it equally bad, plus according to him I trigger him with what I say which makes him like this. This sunday I had to take a painkiller to be able to sleep and the marks are still on my body, I am ready to give him chances but he doesn’t see anything wrong here.

Am I overreacting?