u/simplywired

Just venting but if you have any judgments please share😞 I have no one to talk to.

Starting off with the red flag everyone sees, I am 19 and he is 33. I haven’t loved him any less or felt anything less he has always been supportive he never isolated me or made me feel like less. But we do have an explosive and a very abusive relationship. I used to lash out on him, and physically assault him. I am not sure if that was reactive because he liked to tantalize me. But after many accidents and talks this is something that has completely stopped. I realized no matter how much he hurts me I don’t want to hurt him too.

Two days ago everything changed, he laid his hands on me for the first time:( ( the first time he’s punched me, he’s done things like shove me, and push me. Once he also choked me until I almost passed out but it was more self defense, I was pushing him around and being mean.) but I feel like he thinks he’s excused in punching me, because I originally punched him for restraining me after telling him to let go of me multiple times. I quickly apologized for hitting him, but he grabbed me by my wrists and spit on me, threw me to the couch. After a few hours I went to go check on him. I wanted to fix things. But he was not having it. He was already drinking.(alcoholic in failed recovery) he told me to leave him alone. To leave his life. Because I’m a waste of air. A cunt. Just horrible words. I started getting angry and heated which I know is what he wanted. He got all close to my face and started enunciating the words of the horrible words he was calling me so that spit would land on my face. This enraged me, so I just spit on his face back. I know I shouldn’t have, but I felt so helpless and little and small. As SOON as I spit he right hooked the side of my head. I froze and went back inside to separate myself from the situation. He follows to tantalize me and antagonize even more. He’s saying all these things for 20 minutes while I’m staying silent. How I’m a waste of air, how he wishes I kill myself, how he wishes my plane crashes when I go back home, how my bpd makes me completely unlikeable and it permanently makes me a bad person, just saying a bunch of things he knows will hurt. Finally he says something that genuinely cut deep. He says “yea that’s right just go back to your molesting daddy” my heart shatters, and I lash out on him. I hit him and I go insane and I realize I need to stop because that is what he wanted. The entire time he is saying yep that’s right keep going that’s what I thought. I left. I went to the living room and sat down. He follows again and is still antagonizing me, grabbing my hand and punching himself with it. Spitting on me multiple times (at least 10) and then I look up at him and I open my mouth to catch his spit (I also know I shouldn’t have done this.) and then I feel a hard punch in the back of my head. I start feeling dizzy so I go lay down. It’s the last of what I remember but the following day he was being even more verbally abusive. I went to the bathroom yesterday and I see that he broke the positive pregnancy test. It felt like a sharp pain seeing that. Like he absolutely despises me and anything associated with me. I’ve been staying on the couch. He asks me why I’m sad now. What is wrong. It makes me go insane. Should I not be sad that my bf hit me after promising he would never lay a hand on me?
I feel like this is all my fault. I think he is justified in hitting me. Is he? I know I shouldn’t have punched him. God I feel so hurt. I feel so alone. So depressed.

He swore he never would. My heart hurts so bad knowing he lied. My brain can’t even comprehend it. He won’t even admit that he did it. The look in his eyes after the first punch broke my heart. I realize this isn’t what I thought it was. I wish it never happened. I wish i didn’t know what it was like to love him. I also wish it would go through my head how bad it is to be hit. But I would forgive him if he begged. I sometimes fear I would forgive him if he tried to kill me. I’m so sad:(

Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, but my boyfriend asks me questions about my every move. Whenever I leave a room, It’s met with “where are you going?” in this really accusatory tone. Whenever he goes outside and I don’t want to join him he gets all weird and asks “why?” A million times even though I told him I just don’t feel like it. This happens with a bunch of other things too.

Tonight I went up to get a glass of water and he woke up asking “what’s going on?” I responded that I was going to get a glass of water. I came back and again he asked “what are you doing?” In an irritated tone. At this point I was incredibly annoyed, feeling like I have to explain every single thing I do. I said “I was getting water” and I enunciated my words. He then responded “why do you have an attitude?” in the same tone. Before I could say anything he said fuck you, fuck off go to bed.

About three minutes later he got up shoved me out of the way despite me being in the corner of the bed. When he came back he asked why I had to be such an ass, and why I have such a terrible attitude, he repeated fuck you and some other similar things. Like is that not fucking annoying?? I just stayed silent the whole time while feeling incredibly alone. He often gets defensive like this especially at night and will be quick to curse me out.

I just finished reading the book today. It was an excruciating read.. the plot had so much potential but I thought it was poorly written (as most splatterpunk and shock novels usually are) but I was surprised by how bad this was. It was written like a fucking wattpad story.. and just because it’s splatterpunk doesn’t give it the excuse to be written like such.
I was surprised I wasn’t reading it straight from an edgy 15 year olds tumblr blog..

I started reading the book adaptation of the blood feast (love you Herschell Gordon Lewis) and I've really been enjoying it. I tried finding stuff about it online but it doesn't really have much media presence. If you have any articles or websites that talk about it feel free to share it!
Has anyone read it before? Did you enjoy it?

I’m looking to mod acnl and I’m wondering what are some mods you guys really love and find essential to the game? I don’t know any other cool mods besides the welcome luxury one..

Are there any bands you guys think stay true to the sound? I feel like a lot of the new bands are OKAY but don’t really have the feel or sound of many iconic bands and albums. I’m talking about that discovering the waterfront Silverstein, wings of azrael, novemberkills, Harbor skyline, scenic attraction, makeshifte type of sound..

I will say I promised the world does a really good job with this but anything else I’ve listened to like gap year or at first, at first just doesn’t hit that spot.

I think more white boys need to have true heartbreak and whine about it in their parents garage.