r/abusiverelationships

I left my abusive relationship from 16-18 he would call me names cheat on me constantly and physically hurt me but I left in the end . I met another guy and things were good at the start but then he started slowly insulting me calling me annoying and stupid . Recently I forgave him for blocking me for the 3rd time because i genuinely just thigujt id give him another chance because he’s always said he’s just saying all this to help me . Anyway tonight we met up n we had a argument about him being depressed n me saying that its mostly in your head because there are people who like you and he switched up on me n started screaming insults just like my abuser did . How im so stupid I am annoying I don’t do anything right . I don’t know how to recover no more because after my abuser I thought maybe he’s the only one who thinks im like this but after another man I’ve let my guard down for has said the exact same I feel like maybe there’s some truth in it .

the thing that angers me the most is that i've lost my perception of love. during the love bombing stage he made me feel so loved and so special, i don't think anyone in the world will ever make me feel like that without being an abuser later on.

i lost all hope. i feel like this was my last chance at love and i lost it due to not being obedient enough. i hate myself for deciding to not put myself through more pain.

my boyfriend and i have been together for half a decade. this year, we've started living together and it's made me realize how little he respects me. he constantly lies and manipulates me, steals my phone/keys/car. and then makes me out to be the problem when i'm upset at his constant disrespect. a few months ago, he was arrested for felony DV.

his lawyer (who i'm in debt paying for) enrolled him in BIPP classes (Batterers Intervention and Prevention Program). i was very excited when he first began because i feel that the class is very much needed to improve our relationship. I saw this class as a great opportunity for him to actually self reflect and to learn healthier behaviors. I think that even I could learn something of value from these classes, since I know even I'm not perfect. I would see the classes as a great opportunity, but he sees them as a nuisance and a punishment.

However, since beginning these classes I've noticed that he is using the topics he's learning as ammunition & as a means to manipulate rather than self-reflection and improvement.

For example, today he had a lesson about communication. Afterwards, while he was talking to me about fixing a window in our apartment I walked away to use the restroom and informed him as such. He got upset and told me that I never listen to him. Despite the recurring issue in this relationship being that he never listens to my issues.

When I left the bathroom, he started yelling, getting as close to my face as possible, and chasing me around the apartment. I work from home so I was trying to get away from him so I can do my job. He even slammed my work laptop on the counter. He used me "not listening" and my "lack of communication" as a means to justify his actions, specifically citing his BIPP class. He even told me that his BIPP instructor would be "proud" of how he was acting and that if she saw this, she would tell him to leave me. He started accusing me of doing the things he does on a daily basis: not listening, not taking accountability, etc.

I ended up taking my work laptop to my car and leaving the neighborhood entirely just to get space from him. And this is far from the worst of our arguments. I feel like he is constantly taking my issues with his behavior and somehow turning it around on me, and instead of his classes forcing him to take accountability he is just weaponizing the material that he is learning.

I know I shouldn't be here. I'm just a lost 23 year old without a support system trying to muster up the strength to let go of someone I've loved deeply for years. I just want change. If this class can't help him, I'm not sure if anything will.

I just broke up with my bf the other day, I thought this man would be the man I would marry. As soon as I started living with him, everything changed.

TLDR; I need to know if this is abusive or not for my sanity/closure.

He was always rough with me, for context I’m a 115 lbs female, he was 275lbs with muscles. I would always tell him “ow” or “stop” when he would get too rough, like treating me like a frat boy by putting me in head locks, trying to pluck my leg hair, playfully slapping me. Multiple times he wanted me to punch him or slap him, and I would always say no why would I do that? I don’t want to hurt you. Sometimes during sex he would get rough, holding my neck down, covering my mouth with his hand, slapping my butt so hard it would leave a handprint. This could definitely just be a sex thing but I’m very sensitive, so this bothered me a lot. He also would roughly hold my face while just in the kitchen, and talk really aggressively super up close to my face with very vulgar things, treating me like a piece of meat I felt like. At this point I always felt flinchy towards him, and I hated it.

That’s only the tip of the iceberg, he started to become passive aggressive. Telling me if I pour MY wine I bought myself that I didn’t want anymore down the drain, he will have to break his sobriety and finish it. He also made me feel like absolute shit for “laughing” at his boner when I was laughing at the situation, and mocked my voice and said I was making fun of his ED. He was passive aggressively joking about it for like 2 hours, even when we were out for brunch. Finally I had to cave in and “apologize” later that night because I felt like crap.

This is where the TW comes in with his cat. He once grabbed him by his face and pushed it in his food bowl to make him eat, he’s thrown him across the room just for wanting attention, he’s smacked him. God only knows why this cat still begs for attention from him but it was so uncomfortable and sad. I told him how much it bothered me and he looked at me like I had 3 heads, and later would joke that he “abuses” his cat.

Financial control was slowly starting to become a problem. He could go spend $180 on pokemon cards but would give me crap if I wanted to go to Target, or would ask how much clothes were I wanted to spend on. This man has a 40k student loan debt and a 16k car payment. I had my own damn job with my own damn paycheck.

There’s so much more, but this is the gist of it. If anything I just needed to vent.

I’m sorry if this isn’t allowed.
Can anybody help me with a gift card or anything, so I can buy my son a present for his birthday Friday.
I am in an abusive relationship but am in the process of coming up with a plan to leave.
My partner takes all my money but he is away until Monday. He’s left me with nothing knowing I need to get my son a present and a card.

I am 25(F) in a relationship with my 31 (M) for the last 5 years. For the last year I have been feeling that this relationship is just downright toxic with the things that he expects from me.

1. He wants me to abandon all my support systems and be fully emotionally dependent on him for all kinds of needs, I should have no close friends and abandon my parents or any kind of acquaintances for anything at all.- felt like a huge red flag, my head sounded like a ambulance siren when he said this.

2. He wants me to tell him what I do with my money that I earned by working a job. - he actually wants me to ask permission but is too nice so he masks it and says please keep me informed so i could save you from spending on unnecessary things.

3. Doesn't want me helping my parents financially when I could- again ambulance sirens.

4. Constantly accuses me of having an affair with someone in my workplace or online because I am withdrawn from the relationship.

5. He asks me to dress a certain way and not show skin or wear fitted dresses because that's not what good women do. I started dressing baggy and purchasing dresses a size bigger because he keeps instigating fights about this.

6. In the name of being blunt ruins special moments or holidays by commenting on my dress ory body.

7. Wants me to abandon my career and pursue something futile.

8. Wants to get married to prove my loyalty

He did not behave like this in the beginning. It happened slowly like a creeper plant creeping on a wall. Compromise is a part of a relationship and any marriage but it feels like I am the only person changing anything for this relationship and all these signs happened in the past year and I have been not at ease ever since I started seeing this pattern.I don't know how to get out of this.

Edit: Also I have gained a lot of weight and I am struggling to lose it and all of this has triggered my Binge Eating Disorder

so so srry for the long post i need any help possible

i (24f) live with my bf (29m) and we’ve had a rocky relationship but we’ve stupidly stayed and now i can’t afford to live without him financially. there are a lot of things we both do and im wondering if im blowing things out of proportion and this is normal or if im abusing him or if he’s not a very nice boyfriend. for context, ive been physically abused by a partner before and every other relationship has been very healthy but less than a year.

since being with my bf i’ve noticed im now snapping and yelling sometimes during arguments which ive never done before. he also constantly says i didn’t say things i just said or i did say things i didn’t say but im starting to wonder now if im just misremembering things often. im starting to get rlly done with this and will just say “okay” angrily even though i should be keeping in mind our experiences are different and memory is fallible.

i definitely am not a great or easy partner and since moving to our new apartment i’ve brought up breaking up 3 times which i think, looking back, was super manipulative as they were during arguments. i’ve also brought up opening the relationship when i felt like i wasn’t “satisfying” him in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean it but it was so fucked up of me and he probably saw it as me wanting to explore. genuinely rlly horrible i know

ive been really scared of him lately as he yells at me for 5-15 mins without me saying much, has thrown things twice while arguing, punched holes in the wall (not related to us but still scares me), interrupts and won’t let me talk during arguments (just tells me no), and during good moments he made one or two jokes about killing me but they were very jokey (and i told him im not okay with it). because of this, ive been very scared and he gets really mad when im scared or cry. im starting to feel like im manipulating him when i come in super angry to arguments then get scared and cry or shake. i also will stay calm while he yells and he’s said my tone is condescending so im definitely having a very haughty tone.

a huge thing that scares me too is that he gets really mad if i look things up and research to fix our relationship. that feels really off to me.

BUT ive been less okay with all this and ive been really not caring as much during arguments and it’s showing in a mean way (rolling my eyes sometimes, monotone voice, giving up and apologizing out of no where, bringing up past stuff out of no where). rolling of the eyes and bringing up stuff is fucked up ik

even looking at how i worded this it seems very much so like im victimizing myself and not talking enough about what i do wrong. does it sound like im a naturally manipulative person? is this normal?

I would get real spacey and stuff around me would seem dream-like and my memory would be shot. He’s my ex now thankfully

[Just warning this may be long but I'd appreciate anyone who reads it out that can give me advice] I'll start by saying I've (F22) been with my partner (M27) for 9 years this October. We have two children together a 3 year old girl and 2 year old boy and I was done having kids. I'm going to try my best to make this easy to read and understand because I've been through alot in my life and only recently have realized how bad it has been. To make the beginning short when i was a child all the way until I was 13 my mother was very emotional and physically abusive she is a bad narcissist and eventually I gotten taken by dcf at 13-14 and it was the best day so I thought, when i look back now i realize how niave i was to think any of it was normal and all the way up until now i thought It really was normal. I started dating my current partner when I was 14 and I was on Xanax and he did lots of different drugs I remeber not wanting to be with him at first and he lured me in which I now know as love bombing, we had a pretty bad relationship in the beginning I know now that we was emotional cheating on me alot and verbally abused me all the time I always have a gut feeling he physically cheated but I will never know, he lived in florida the first 4 years of our relationship and was on drugs and he got on probation and we had to move to alabama, well I thought things were getting better atleast we weren't on drugs anymore and the fighting went down bc we lived at his mom's property for a year or so we still fought through out that whole time mainly because he would talk to other girls and even sexually flirt with them infornt of me somtimes which resulted in me getting beat later that night for crying about it like wtf, anyways I stayed and thought there was always somthing I could do to fix him like most people think, we moved into our now house and have been here for almost 5 years and have my 2 babies, well when we first started having our kids everything was good we had some rough patches he was cold and mean often but helped more and was just different from before and seemed to be trying to become better for us and had been sober for 3 years when our daughter was born,and still is but he's changed for the worst recently and there's hoenslty no excuse for it, i just wanted to clarify he's always be a mean hard headed man but I use to blame it on drugs and I was very young and dumb somthing opened my eyes after i had my kids and I can't look at him the same anymore, he finally stopped working with him step dad which was his choice because he treated him badly so he got a new job about 9 months ago and has been there ever since, now things have always been on edge but I still use to look forward to him coming home and we'd have a great weekend and actually enjoy time with him now he's so horrible and mean 90% of the time I don't even know why and it's like the nice side of him has completely left for good, he wakes up and yells at me if I don't make his lunch which I never did before just all of a sudden he wants it and I feel forced bc if I don't he's mad all day he only wants me to give him head most of the time now he gets mad almost like he doesn't want to have sex which us very offensive if i say I'd rather have sex with him bc I've done that to finish him most of the time (he has a porn addiction but it use to be way worse) he blames everything on me and I mean Everything like hourly jokes if somthing falls "why did you do that", the kids do somthing wrong "why are you letting them do that" his phone isn't plugged up "Why didn't you charge my phone" his towel not being ready by the shower which I use to do bc he'd never ask and I wanted to and now I literally get yelled at and called a bad "wife" for not having the towel ready after his shower bc I don't want to anymore and I will never be his wife I've already came to that conclusion he likes to call me that tho idek why, let me continue anytime and I mean ANYTIME I try to talk very calmly normally I try my absolute hardest to talk as calm as possible about him yelling and screaming at me names and stuff over not wanting to take care of him like he's my child he will lay there if we're in bed and repeat over and over and over again "shut up mental bitch,shut up mental bitch, shut up mental bitch" and so on until I'm like balling my eyes out and that whole time I'm just trying my hardest to get a word our and stay calm and try to just communicate with him bc I'm not a bad person and I don't treat people that way, somtimes I've begged him to lay with me and just calm down please stop yelling at me and he would grab me by my hair almost ripping it out and scream shut the fuck up in my face all because I was begging him to "just stop and calm down and why are you doing this to me I literally haven't done anything" and this is daily for example tonight right when he wanted to go to bed he gets mad that I wasn't tired so I go to bed with him he say "plug my phone up" while he's standing right next to it I say" you plug it up" bc wtf, and he literally said "then don't ask me to do anything for you anymore" just bc I'm tired of being yelled at over his phone not being charged in the mornings which is understandable right? So we lay down and he gives me the silent treatment and I did plug his phone up anyways and I ask if he can come lay with me and is he mad at me even tho I did was he asked, and he continues to say shut the fuck up so I'm stunned like usual and say really why are you doing this again I didn't think that would make you mad please don't, and he started doing his thing we're he literally repeats "shut the fuck up mental bitch" over and over until I break down and can't handle it anymore and leave he's also says nobody cares about me bc he uses the fact i have no family or friends to help and my mother is abusive as well I didn't see it for what it truly was until I had my kids and now I call him out about it and he has never been the same just absolutely horrible everyday we degrades me talks down on me disrespects my name, goes to work and makes me look bad so he can seem like this great guy like for no reason to everyone acts weird around me at his work which is usually bc he talks bad about me which I didn't know for years until I had my kids, he does the typical narcissist thing when he's extra nice to everyone else but the devil with me, and I still do most stuff for him bc I'd rather not argue and get yelled at and he still finds any reason at all to yell at me, the other day we went to Walmart so I could get our daughter some presents for her birthday it was Saturday and a great day and I was happy I brought my son in and the lines were long and the machine kept messing up so it took me awhile, I got out and everything seemed fine we loaded the truck up and went to leave he made a comment like "Why do you always take so long" and I said " there was a long line in there" with a smile on my face and he said " you were taking forever before you even got in line" and or course I said "can I ever do anything without you rushing me and being mad when i get mad" and that caused a whole argument to where he hit me in the truck infront of our kids just bc I took forever in Walmart and was confused why he was that mad about it. He use to apologize too and hold me and say how sorry he was anytime he upset me with made a huge different and he doesn't do that anymore this is the 3rd time in this year he's hit me while driving over somthing very small and stupid, he then ignores me for the rest of he day while I cry and never says sorry he says " I deserve it" and I dint know why he think that he never said or acted this bad before like this emotionless and cold hearted, no recourse at all, a week before my brithday which is in February we were drinking and I asked him to go to the store we were very happy that night I thought and he left, miniutes later he calls and yells the store is fucking closed and why would I send him up there even tho there was another store he just turned around and hung up on me so I tried calling him back and he scream "im not coming home" like wtf right? I soon realized this was a weird excuse to watch porn, i found his truck down the road and when I go to talk to him he dragged me down the road for a 10 seconds fast to the point I couldn't let go of the window and then drove off when I let go finally all because I wanted him to go to the store and didn't know they just closed, anyways he hits me alot now mocks me while I cry which is honestly terrifying and horrible abuse bc my MOTHER use to do that to me when she's call me a whore at 7 years old and say things I didn't even know what it meant I would cry and she would mock me back in this mean tone of voice like "wha wha wha, shut up" and come hurt me so when my partner started doing it to me it was very traumatizing and one of the things that changed how I looked at him, I feel stuck and have absolutely no family to help me, he makes very little money and we only have 1 vehicle but I pray everyday I really want to leave he's mean to our children and when I interfere and stay stop doing that he turns it on me and is 10× worse to me bc I didn't let him punish a 2 and 3 year old for accidentally spilling a drink he'd scream they know what there doing and they need to learn which scares me bc how can they learn if your screaming and whooping them for evrry little mistake instead of teaching them what happened, he generally thinks I'm wrong when i say stuff like that and he's right and I'm mental and crazy he says that alll the time now every day every hour anything i do wrong and mistake I make anything I say that he doesn't like even if it's a normal comment he calls me mental and crazy it's becoming really bad when nobody at all knows he's likes this, he doesn't love me anymore and it obvious I dont think he ever did, I feel stupid for not leaving before we had kids bc all the signs were there but there somthing telling me he knows I'm not in the position to leave and now that we have kids he could finally let the beast out and I'm scared I will never see that nice side of him the one that atleast felt bad and apologized or tried to change and make things better he's given up completely on anything to do with changing and I've never seen him like this bad our whole relationship until now I really want to leave I've tried talking to him and saying we need to communicate and what's wrong and I'm here for you and all the things you could say to make someone feel comfortable and he would just say" shut up stupid bitch" he would say that after EVERYTHING I'm not even lying it's messing with my brain I can't handle it anymore I can't even work on things with him bc that's his reply to everything nothing matters to me anymore he's pushed me to a point I can't take it and have nobody to talk to, anytime I say how I feel about anything I could say I'm hot or I'm tired and he always competes with me and says he's more hot then me or more tired even if he's not it's ridiculous he doesn't belive anything I say anymore like literally says I'm lying about everything unless I look it up on Google and then he believes it, and doesn't do anything with ours kids he mad all the time when he is home every weekend there's always a new reason even if I stay silent and do nothing wrong at all he will find a reason to lay him bed all weekend and ignore me and the kids even if I'm begging him to come help and play with them he doesn't want to he says "shut up mental bitch" so I do everything by myself again and he still only come out to make himself food like he's a roommate or somthjng and thus isn't just every now and then it's every single weekend for the last 9 months every weekend every day after work even if dinners made Everything's perfect he's just mad about nothing and cusses me and and says I deserve it and he doesn't need to be greaful about dinner or anything at all just is mean as fuck I could go on forever saying stuff bc I've had years of nobody to talk to but this last 9 months have become unbearable and I can't even breathe wrong without him cussing me our and hitting me then sitting in the room at night or weekend never wanting to be around the kids unless he's drunk, idk what to do but it defeating me at this point....

I don’t really know how to explain what it’s like to be in a relationship that has slowly worn you down. Especially when you don’t have support, or family near you.
There wasn’t one day where everything suddenly became terrible. It happened little by little. The arguments. The defensiveness. The sarcasm. The way I’d bring up something that hurt me and somehow end up defending why I was hurt. The constant feeling that I needed to watch my words because I already knew how the conversation would go.

Eventually, I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells in my own relationship. I kept thinking maybe if I communicated better. Maybe if I gave him more time. Maybe if I stopped reacting emotionally. Maybe if he really understood how much this was hurting me, something would finally change.

Then we went on vacation with his family. We had this planned for a year or so, and I had just started my new job. I actually brought my work stuff with me because I had been off work for a year and was excited that I finally found a job, and I didn’t want to take off because of this vacation.
One day, we got into an argument at a store. He left me there. He literally walked away and left me inside the store while we were on a family vacation.

I remember standing there, kinda scared, thinking “what am I suppose to do? I wasn’t home. I didn’t have my own car. I didn’t have the money to just get a hotel and disappear. I was away from everything familiar, surrounded by his family, and suddenly I was completely on my own. And I cried.

Not just because he left me at a store.
I cried because something about that moment made me realize how alone I had already been feeling for a very long time. I’m in the middle of nowhere, I don’t know anyone, I don’t have family near me. I don’t have anyone to call. I did not drive here in my own vehicle. I haven’t even received my first paycheck yet to afford an uber back home for the 8 hour drive. It was awful.

I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.” But this felt different. I stopped wanting to convince him. I stopped wanting to explain the same pain for the hundredth time. I started thinking about how I’m going to leave.

The problem is, knowing you need to leave and actually being able to leave are two completely different things.
We live together. We’re both on a lease. I have pets. I have bills. I don’t have some perfect place waiting for me with enough money in the bank to start over tomorrow.
So right now, I’m in this awful in between. I’m still here physically, but mentally I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out.

That’s what I’ve learned about these situations.
Sometimes the person who looks the most “fine” is the person privately trying to figure out how to get free.
I don’t know exactly what happens next.
I just know that being left alone in that store on vacation was the moment I stopped asking myself, “how do I make this work” and told myself “okay, it’s time to leave, and plan in silence” thanks for listening.

Hello everyone,

As the title says. I am struggling to make the call and breakup. I don't know what to tell him. I am terrified of his reaction. I don't know when is the best timing to do it...

For more context: I have been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 4 years. We live in the same country so we met very often. I sensed he wasn't a good person since the first months but I kept ignoring the warning signs. Long story short, he was abusive in all possible ways except physically. Although he was sexually forceful sometimes. We never had sex because of both our beliefs but he would sometimes undress me forcibly until I would start crying from fear and then he will stop. I also ended up with FND and I get PNES seizures now. Never had them before.

I decided to leave him 4 months ago. When he triggered another PNES seizure in me while we were on a video call. He saw me falling on the floor and screaming for help. I was calling my dad. But he kept yelling at me over the phone and saying horrible things. Like I am insane. I am controlling. I don't let him have fun with his friends. I want a slave not a partner. All because I was sad he kept prioritizing time with friends who live in the same city than time with me. Every single time. Never did he say no to plans with friends but our plans always got canceled. Postponed or forgotten. While still asking me when we will marry and wanting access to my body and showing me off to his friends and family. Anyway back to that event, I asked him to please call my dad on the phone. As I was starting to lose consciousness and tremors started but he said " I can't help. I am gonna eat. Bye. ". The next 2 weeks he never called me and he never apologized and acted as the victim. Next time we met he acted as if he never knew I experienced seizures. So I understood how utterly horrible of a person he is. And decided to break up with him once I finish an internship I was doing at his and his brother's startup. It been 4 months. I am done with the internship. I am just waiting for him to send me the certificate. I can't wait to break up and be free from this horrible man but I can't find the strength. Idk when and where to do it. Sometimes I want to do it in the most hurtful way but I fear his reaction. and sometimes my brain tells me " what if I was wrong all this time? What if I was the problem? What if I will regret it?" and sometimes I get thoughts that make me feel terrible " what if he is reverse discarding me? what if leaving won't give me back control because that what he wanted all along? what if he has someone new and I am just gonna give him what he wants while he gets to act like the victim?"

Any advices?

TL;DR: I’ve been in an abusive on/off relationship for almost 3 years. There’s currently an active criminal case and restraining order, and we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other, but after weeks of him contacting me and begging for another chance, I agreed to see him. We had consensual sex, but during it he strangled me until I was close to losing consciousness. I couldn’t breathe, was extremely lightheaded/seeing stars afterward, coughing and crying, and my throat still hurts 48 hours later. I went to urgent care today and they documented it as strangulation. I feel a lot of shame for seeing him again and guilt about potentially getting him in more trouble. I honestly don’t think I’m going to call the police, but I’m scared and struggling to make sense of what happened.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with a man for almost 3 years. He is abusive. He’s gone to jail for DV several times, and there is currently an active criminal case and restraining order. Over the years there have been threats to hurt and kill me, punching holes in walls, destroying my belongings, shattering my car windshield, screaming, intimidation, name calling, blocking exits, etc. But he’s never actually outright hit me. We weren’t supposed to be seeing each other. I know that. But he had been contacting me for weeks, begging for another chance and telling me how sorry he was, and I agreed to see him. We ended up having sex. The sex itself was consensual. What happened during it was not.

I’ve allowed very light choking during sex before, basically a hand there without real pressure. This was completely different. His grip got progressively tighter until I could not breathe at all. It happened very quickly, 30 seconds or less. I became extremely lightheaded and felt like I was getting close to losing consciousness. When he stopped, I was seeing stars, coughing a lot, my throat hurt, and I had tears in my eyes. There weren’t any visible bruises, but he’s very strong, and I don’t really know how to explain how tight his grip was other than that it was scary.

This happened about 48 hours ago. My throat was still hurting and I started reading about strangulation and how there can be injuries without visible marks, which scared me enough that I went to urgent care after work today. They took it seriously, told me what I described was strangulation, examined me, documented everything pretty thoroughly and gave me DV resources.
I think I’m only now processing what happened, and I feel extremely ashamed. There was already a criminal case and restraining order. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, and I did anyway. I know how contradictory that looks, especially when I’ve said that I’m afraid of him. But it’s so fucking hard. Despite everything, I still feel deeply, deeply attached to him, and I hate that I do.

The other thing messing with my head is that he wasn’t angry. Usually when something scary happens, he’s already raging. This time we weren’t fighting. We were having a good day. So my brain keeps going to: maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me, maybe he got carried away, maybe he didn’t realize how hard he was squeezing. I haven’t even told him that he hurt me.

But he did. I couldn’t breathe. I was almost unconscious. A big part of me genuinely felt like he was trying to choke me until I passed out, and he almost did. I don’t know what his intention was, and I think that’s part of what I’m struggling with.

I’m also very aware of how significant strangulation is as a risk factor in DV, especially because this is someone who has threatened to kill me before. I know that, and it scares me. At the same time, I’m already carrying a lot of guilt about getting the police involved again in the first place. I know he doesn’t deserve any sort of protection from me, but I would still feel guilty if I reported this and it got him in even more trouble.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m going to call the police right now. I don’t even know if they would have a case for this particular incident. There aren’t bruises, it happened during otherwise consensual sex, and I don’t know how any of that would be viewed. I do have the urgent care documentation, but I genuinely don’t know what would happen if I reported it.

I keep thinking, I literally got strangled. I think?…..And then almost immediately my brain starts finding reasons why maybe it wasn’t actually that bad. I don’t know if that’s me being reasonable or me minimizing something really serious.

So I guess my question is: what do I do here? What do I make of this? The sex was consensual. The strangulation wasn’t. I didn’t ask for it, I couldn’t breathe, it hurt me, and it scared me. But I still feel deeply attached to him, guilty about the consequences he’s already facing, and ashamed that I saw him again in the first place.
I’m having a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings and honestly just looking for some guidance.

I made a mistake. I was emotional and told some people about my life and what happened to me and they ripped me to shreds. They told me I deserved it and it was all my fault, that I am a bad person, selfish, judgy and manipulative. They even said I should stop nagging and get a job and hobbies. I was very overwhelmed and got bad flashbacks. I'm still shaking. 😭

Last-night my husband got upset that I told him no I would not walk the dog. He was in the middle of gaming and asked me to do him a favor I again said no I wouldn’t. It was his turn, I had been the one to walk him while he was at work. He was getting more mad, cussed and yelled, I cussed back and I said whatever I would walk the dog. I got the leash he came up behind my grabbed me wrist I said ow an he said giving me the f- leash and twisted my wrist harder until I let go. With the anger of me telling him no, and him wanting to play video games, I tell myself he just got caught in the moment. This isn’t the first time he’s touched me but it’s been when he’s had way too much to drink. We have two young kids, and we are always stressed he just moved and somethings he finally told the truth about has made our marriage suffer lately and I haven’t been the nicest to him. So I am not without fault.

So we have been together a year I've meet his kids once. He won't tell the mother about us, rather assumes the kids told her. He Wants to use my car every weekend to spend time with them. Does not offer for me to go. Now wants to drop me off at a gas station to go to their house to spend the morning with them on their 1st day of school. I am not ok with this. He says its about the kids , and acts like im acting crazy.... I agree it is about the kids but I dont want to continue this way. That dr