am i abusive and is this normal?
so so srry for the long post i need any help possible
i (24f) live with my bf (29m) and we’ve had a rocky relationship but we’ve stupidly stayed and now i can’t afford to live without him financially. there are a lot of things we both do and im wondering if im blowing things out of proportion and this is normal or if im abusing him or if he’s not a very nice boyfriend. for context, ive been physically abused by a partner before and every other relationship has been very healthy but less than a year.
since being with my bf i’ve noticed im now snapping and yelling sometimes during arguments which ive never done before. he also constantly says i didn’t say things i just said or i did say things i didn’t say but im starting to wonder now if im just misremembering things often. im starting to get rlly done with this and will just say “okay” angrily even though i should be keeping in mind our experiences are different and memory is fallible.
i definitely am not a great or easy partner and since moving to our new apartment i’ve brought up breaking up 3 times which i think, looking back, was super manipulative as they were during arguments. i’ve also brought up opening the relationship when i felt like i wasn’t “satisfying” him in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean it but it was so fucked up of me and he probably saw it as me wanting to explore. genuinely rlly horrible i know
ive been really scared of him lately as he yells at me for 5-15 mins without me saying much, has thrown things twice while arguing, punched holes in the wall (not related to us but still scares me), interrupts and won’t let me talk during arguments (just tells me no), and during good moments he made one or two jokes about killing me but they were very jokey (and i told him im not okay with it). because of this, ive been very scared and he gets really mad when im scared or cry. im starting to feel like im manipulating him when i come in super angry to arguments then get scared and cry or shake. i also will stay calm while he yells and he’s said my tone is condescending so im definitely having a very haughty tone.
a huge thing that scares me too is that he gets really mad if i look things up and research to fix our relationship. that feels really off to me.
BUT ive been less okay with all this and ive been really not caring as much during arguments and it’s showing in a mean way (rolling my eyes sometimes, monotone voice, giving up and apologizing out of no where, bringing up past stuff out of no where). rolling of the eyes and bringing up stuff is fucked up ik
even looking at how i worded this it seems very much so like im victimizing myself and not talking enough about what i do wrong. does it sound like im a naturally manipulative person? is this normal?