r/emotionalabuse

** please tell me if I’m in the wrong, I want brutally honest advice. ** F24 dating M23 for 6 months. Overall he’s a kind and wonderful person and makes me feel loved and cared for. My main issues are with him saying things that bring me down (and how he focuses too much on looks) and he doesn’t like hard conversations/dismisses me and gets annoyed when I bring up something that hurt me.

Two days ago I finally made him sit down and have a long talk about the things that were starting to build up in our relationship. It was productive, and I feel like I learned a lot about him. He did say he likes it better when I warn him a couple days in advance if we’re gonna have a talk like this he wants it all knocked out in one go. I didn’t love that- I really value healthy conversations and I am a curious and empathetic person. In my dream world I could discuss stuff like this with him more frequently and we could learn more about how each other thinks through it. But whatever, I decided he’s just different than me and conceded that point.

One of the things I brought up was how he talks about my appearance and makes little comments or observations. I told him that, especially as a girl, it builds up overtime and makes me focus too much on my appearance. it has made me very insecure. Also if he says anything about weight or food. I thought I got through to him, but that night when we were going to get ice cream after dinner he made a comment about how I’d eat it and then complain after and binge eat??? (what the hell???). We were a little drunk so I just chalked it up to him making a dumb joke that didn’t land but I told him in the moment that was not okay and he agreed and realized he messed up.

Yesterday I invited him over to cook for him. I spent hours making this meal. I went to plate it and he went on about how it doesn’t make sense that there’s so much food on my plate because he’s double the size of me, I shouldn’t be eating portions like him. (Mine was smaller?)

That really set me off. I told him yesterday his comment before ice cream made me not want to eat and enjoy the ice cream anymore. I just spent hours making this meal and I knew now I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I started to cry and said “you ruin everything”. I recognize I shouldn’t have said that BUT he went from hugging me and saying sorry to flipping a switch.

He rose his voice and for 2 minutes went off about how I’m so insecure and he can’t say anything in this relationship.

I recognize it’s a bit sensitive for me to respond this way to him making a comment about how much food I’m eating but I had told him in our convo yesterday that I didn’t like that and told him that he spoiled my ice cream yesterday. So I was just so hurt. He’s not my fitness coach?

I think what scares me the most is I’ve started to notice a pattern. I get hurt, in my hurt I say something I probably shouldn’t. He feels disrespected, and completely loses empathy for the person he says he loves who is crying in front of him. He blows up about the small thing I said and turns my hurt back on me. Is this DARVA? Or do you think he is just getting frustrated that I’m too sensitive?? This is my first relationship I’m a bit confused

I’m meant to be no contact but it’s like I’m physically unable to do it man. He answers my calls just to be mad at me. It’s been a week and he acts like he’s over it and he hates me, but the other day he was going he still cares about me and how can you care about me when you do this. I feel so ugly and worthless and disgusting I’m unlovable I’m having to peel myself to the gym when I know he just goes and he’s fine and he probably talks to all the women there. I’ve been going gym a year and we started talking because we both enjoy the gym so it’s like why is my normal routine a struggle and he’s just in there bettering himself.

Why keep me unblocked why answer my calls just to not give a fuck and end them. I rang him today because I was having a panic attack and he’s said before to ring him if I need him. So I did because everyone else I know is at work and I know he’s at the gym. Answers and then just basically tells me to fuck off. Why hate me when I’ve never cheated been unloyal done anything remotely to make him hate me.

It’s honestly making me want to die. I won’t do it or harm myself but I don’t get how anyone can be okay making anyone else feel like that and that should be the ick in itself but I miss him and I hate myself and I hate him for being okay.

I think i have really realized down to my core what this relationship has been in the past month. 8 years, and this whole relationship started with a rejection that became a confession when I stopped giving him attention for a month afterwards to take some space 😭 he missed the attention I gave him, not me. He likes my attention and affection, not me. In the first couple weeks of the relationship he was already hugging and kissing without asking despite me telling him my csa trauma + boundaries, he told me "if anyone would leave it would be me," and I had no idea what he was talking about, I felt like a monster and he kept implying he was the caring person in the relationship even though he never asked me questions, learned from me, or got me flowers even when I asked (I did all this with him!!) Instead he would engage in all my interests until they also became his own so I felt like I had nothing special to offer, every single conversation felt like it would tip into an argument, he made me feel SO uninteresting, if I brought up an issue it would instead be shared discussion time for his issues as well, he got annoyed at my extroversion and made it out like I was making him uncomfortable on purpose, he would explain teaching to me bc he was enrolled in a bachelors for it (I WAS A ASSISTANT TEACHER??) And not ask or hear anything I had to say about it or like it wouldn't even occur to him, and this was all just early on.

Now, I have become very sick. I'm bedbound with a disease and it had gotten to a very severe point under his care. It had worsened during a time when I had moved in with him to get away from abusive family -- once I had settled in already, it was at that time he told me he now "wasn't sure about the relationship." Although he explained he would still care for me regardless. He then got really upset that I wasn't having sex with him (I was shell shocked from moving away from abusive family and scared of the sudden life change) and being upset is fine, but he then kept asking again and again why I couldn't have sex. I explained it was my ptsd and I just felt really overwhelmed moving in with him and he kept saying "I just dont know why youre not telling me fully/being vulnerable with me." I kept trying to think of a better way to explain it and I just couldn't. It ended up in me yelling, saying he was crazy (which i know makes me seem like the abuser but I didn't understand WHY he couldn't get it through his head that I had ptsd from just leaving my abusers to come live alone with him like I was scared and id explained it!) And during yelling I suddenly collapsed (heartbeat thing) I called for help and my scariest memory is looking at him just standing there, hesitating before coming to help me.

Then after that I got even more sick to the point i couldn't talk or chew (its just a crazy severe type of disease) and at that time there was a moment I was self harming by scratching my skin bc I was so stressed and frustrated, at this time to stop me from self harming he grabbed my arms and slammed me into the bed. This worsened my condition (I already struggled to talk but now couldn't catch my breath either) for about two weeks (ok this sounds crazy but the disease is just like that he didn't slam that hard) later he apologized for taking his anger out on me, but idk i couldn't really talk (due to aforementioned disease) so I didn't really say anything. And then later I brought it up and he said he didn't really remember it but he was sorry.

Beyond this its things like one time I broke down from frustration and I ended up self harming and he said something like "maybe I wanted you to break down" in a guilty tone, and starting arguments during my favorite movies (he'd also often go beyond his limits to support me and then throw it in my face afterwards) And none of his friends being my friends while all of mine are his, and all his friends now are the ones I made. I think overall maybe I was also incompatible in a lot of ways to him, but I was like extremely up front at all times that yes I would be traumatized, I'm autistic, im polyamarous (we compromised and are in an open relationship but neither of us have slept with anyone else help) it would take me a while to warm up and trust, it just seemed like he wanted me locked in till marriage from basically the get go but without saying it, so i kept saying I was "unsure" and "needed space" i dont know what this was, maybe a miscommunication.

Anyway, there was a point after the slamming me on the bed where I thought: "this relationship is over." The second I thought that, I swear, the relationship got better. He stopped arguing over small things. He didn't really start listening to me or asking me questions more, but now he sometimes gathers flowers, I'm frustrated a lot less, he's a lot calmer, there are no fights and I actually just don't have any issues other than the fact im lonely and we don't really talk. He does playfully slap me sometimes (only when I'm being self depracatory), and i dont like that and think its weird he does it when I have such clear open ptsd around being slapped and i never do it to him?? I'm pretty sure ive told him not to but maybe I never did, im too tired now to say no.

But the thing is, and this might be evil so let me know...i personally almost feel like the reason hes so nice to me now is hes kind of gotten exactly what he wanted? I'm trapped, basically locked in with him. I give him affection. I'm basically a nobody compared to him, I'm bedbound with absolutely zero life. Flat and empty. I'm totally dependent on him so now hes seen as the good sweet poor boyfriend who has to take care of his disabled girl, and nobody will believe anything bad I have to say about him now, it'll just make me look bad. I know im lucky compsred to others to have a bf who cares for me in illness, though. It is true. But what's the craziest of all, is the first flare up I had that kicked this disease off was because of him.

Basically, it was very early in on us dating, and I had fallen asleep by accident bc of some overwhelming depressive episode (really accidental coyld not control it) as a result, he was left at the door waiting fifteen minutes outside. When I went to get him he was really upset with me, like ... pretty mad, from what I recall I'm almost certain I felt very stressed and bad and apologized immediately but maybe I didn't? Either way I felt so bad and suddenly remember getting so scared (he hadn't yelled or anything, he was just very upset but quietly) and something flared up in me and I got terrified he was going to hit me. I dont know where it came from. It was like something screamed deep in my body and I hunched over and was sobbing and I begged him to get out of the room but apparently there was a misunderstanding and he didn't hear me and just stayed.The next day, I couldn't stand properly. I couldn't stand properly ever again.

I dont blame him for the disease entirely in any regard, honestly I was gonna get this disease somehow and I blame my father way more than him lmao. But its just really ironic. In the end, my partner has marks to show, if that makes sense. He's insidious and quiet and has the guilt trippy "but I'm so caring/I just care so much and I'm being so hurt" type of abuse, whereas I'm definitely toxic too, but mine is anger issues and full on meltdowns as a reaction to things he's done. So people have heard me scream, ppl have seen nail marks in his skin, which he always like, pointedly gets band aids for I honestly feel a little like this is to guilt me bc he never puts band aids on me when I scratch myself and actually bleed?? Bc we both get scratched its a meltdown... although i havent had one in a while luckily! I admit its awful that I scratched him too during those, that im sorry for and idk what to do...Anyway, people have seen that, people have seen him care for me and worry for me and all that. There are no marks when it comes to an invisible disease, and no one is going to believe where it started.

I already tried floating that something was wrong on a private Twitter I made. After 8 YEARS of not saying a single bad word about him to a single friend, I finally tried cracking open a little, and I thought maybe someone would be concerned and surprised id finally said something, but not only was no one concerned, someone who's known me for only a couple months really responded with "i relate to your partner bc im a caretaker too, its hard but I bet you can work it out!" With a tone that seemed very clearly on his side, which would be fine if they were at least also on my side or worried about me in the literal least. They basically pushed me to shut up. It just shows how clearly no one is going to listen to me!! The only current friend I have who i really trust is wayyyy too young to explain this to they're only 21 like 😭😭 and im 27 I can't put it on them morally. And I want them to focus on their life and passions. There are some other friends I could maybe tell, but idk if they'll get it. Its such a long, layered story.

And I realized all this JUST this month. Like it all hit me. And now I'm afraid, yeah, but its also like...I feel like he can tell I know? And I'm scared of that too. It seems he can tell all my precise moods and thoughts. He can tell when I'm distanced, when I'm angry. However, I'm not sure if he can tell when I'm uncomfortable or scared, but I swear hes acting different and maybe on edge rn. He made a joke about domestic abuse the other day and our relationship falling apart. Like he said this jokingly but im worried maybe he somehow knows im feeling like this or saw my reddit? I'm using a burner to be safe, I know he won't be angry even if he sees, but he might think im being abusive by painting this picture of him as an abuser, which, like!! I'm not, I just need to get it all off my chest and see what others say. Anyway thank you guys for any help or reflection you can give and please point out my own toxic tendencies as well where you see them bc I AM always trying to improve...

And also who on earth do I tell...how did you figure out who to tell, and how? Do you guys think anyone will believe me? I just feel so upset and betrayed rn, I just want justice through one person hearing me. But idk if anyone really will.

Another year another birthday ruined by him not being able to regulate his emotions. The day started off nice enough. He got me flowers and coffee from my favorite coffee shop and wrote me a card. We went to the lake to go kayaking. He had a beer. Then another. Then another. Starting playing loud music and just being well.. loud and a little obnoxious. I was just trying to chill on the lake. I tried to have fun and not take it too seriously.

Then after kayaking on the way to lunch he misheard something I said and got very animated and upset about this small misunderstanding. He was yelling, voice raised, and throwing his hands up in the air… but claimed he was not upset at me. I just stayed silent in order to not escalate things further. Then we get to the lunch place, and it was closed. I didn’t say anything about it but was annoyed because i asked him to check and make sure it was open and he said he did (I checked it and it clearly said closed until 4pm).

Anyways, then he started driving around aggressively in circles whipping and speeding around to kill time until the place opened. We get back to the lunch place at opening time and he is sulking and barely looking at me. I have to pretend like everything is fine and be friendly with the waitress. He walks off and disappears. Comes back and starts crying at the table with his head down. I have to then get a box for our food and the check and we leave. At this point he is sobbing crying and said the “Piano Man” song made him sad and triggered him to think about our dog we had to put down a month and a half ago. He sobbed the whole way home. I spent the rest of the day comforting him and doing emotional labor. He did apologize to me, but how can I be upset with him for being sad about the dog? Everyone processes differently. But something about it just felt off. He hadn’t had an episode like that for weeks and is back to his normal self today like nothing happened.

Maybe in the context of a relationship absent of emotional abuse I wouldn’t question it but it felt like yet another manipulative ploy to ruin what was meant to be a nice occasion. I feel guilty for even suggesting it wasn’t a true episode of grief and I don’t know what to make of it.

TL;DR: Abusive husband destroyed me and I have nothing to give him but he wants me to stay.

I (44f) am in the process of leaving my abusive husband (45m). Together for 4 years, married for 1.5. The things he’s said and done are unreal and beyond the pale. Still, I tried everything: being super loving, being a good communicator, suggesting therapy (always timidly, and he always vetoed it), doing everything he wanted sexually and asking for nothing in return.

I’m very vulnerable because of a lifetime of abuse before I met him. It didn’t stop him from abusing me too, and the pain and frustration have gotten so bad I was starting to fear for my sanity before I finally decided I was done.

Now (shockingly) he wants to work it out. I told him no. He kept pushing. I told him no again. Then the tears. The promises. The begging. Rinse, repeat. Finally I had to tell him I’d think about it just to get some peace, but that I’m still moving out. I also said (on the advice of a divorce lawyer) that if he gives me a “parting gift” I won’t seek alimony, and he agreed.

What I don’t get is - why? I know abusers want to keep their victims around for their own selfish reasons, but what does he gain from this? I am so destroyed I can‘t cook or clean or work, and I haven’t had sex with him in over a month. He gave me the money, and it was a fair amount. Why doesn’t he cut his losses and find a new victim, one who can’t see through him like I can?

I’ve recently been broken up with by my boyfriend (M24). Obviously I’m upset blah blah blah thinking about everything in the relationship.
I’ve been journaling and ranting, and ngl I’ve been speaking to him nearly every day for the week we’ve broken up (no contact started like yesterday)
And I’m like was if all abuse, am I in the wrong like did I not understand his ADHD and pushed too far?
We’d have arguments like, I’m telling him this annoyed me. Not even an argument I’m just bringing it up. He’d either explode, say mean things and leave me on my own so I’d blow up his phone and chase him etc. He’d block me for like 20 mins? Or he’d not care then bring it up another day in another argument and I’m like right well now I feel like you’ve lied to me acting like you enjoy something only to throw it in my face a week later.
I admit I could have gave more space or not as like been so quick to be annoyed sometimes, but i feel like I wouldn’t be like that and so ‘clingy’ in arguments if you calmly said can I be on my own for an hour to calm down. Instead he’d say mean things, explode and yell at me or he’d say he’s cancelling us hanging out for the day cause that would trigger me I hate last minute changes of plans it drives me insane.
Anyway. I can’t really explain it but am I like not understanding the ADHD anger or… would anyone react like that to being exploded at then he’d run off if I stood my ground or didn’t just say sorry.
Also… he’d say I’d do it on purpose to make him angrier. And I wouldn’t but … why should I respect what you need when you’ve not respected what I need? If you want an hour to yourself communicate it nicely, don’t say horrid things then run off back home.

Dno if any of this makes sense but yeah

So I have been in my relationship for thirty+ years and over the last 10 years it has progressively gotten worse. I deeply love my wife but I no longer feel safe having conversations with her. No matter what I say it will be wrong then turned around and weaponized against me. In order to validate what I try to say I have taken to recording all of our arguments but now I feel like I have to record the 24/7. I feel awful doing it and she is very aware that I am doing it. I have never shared any of the recordings and am starting to believe that I am wrong for doing it. Has anyone else felt like they had to do this and what do you do with it.

Why do people lie to themselves? From saying they ended the relationship, when they never did and saying you’re crazy and erratic when you just stood up for their manipulative tactics, lies, omissions and coercion?

But the worse is lying to others and completely hiding the context, acting as if the reactions were out of the blue responses to random things when they constantly bullied you? Tbh idc at this point, but when I read about flying monkeys and things like that, I never thought about how far someone would go to badmouth you because you could no longer sit still and take the constant humiliation.

They create a whole dynamic that set you up for failure and act surprised when you aren’t ok with that. They do the most hurtful things and if you happen to find out accidentally bc there is such a thing as algorithms and pattern recognition, they’ll accuse you of the most awful things.

Who would just smile finding out their SO is cruising for cheating? I’m very upfront about who I am, my own red flags, what I’m working on and how I function with people I meet. These are people that constantly create chaos, then feel entitled to peace while creating a brutal mental warfare. It hurts to know there are a considerable number of people like that in the world. I am glad I’ve learned my lesson, but sad to see a lot of people have been through the same.

It’s insane to see how they desperately want to have an audience, the extreme need for external validation, how they freak out once they realize they can no longer control you with their covert tactics. Trying to control the narrative never ends. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to live with themselves to the point they have to create an alternative world just to keep pushing through.

My dad thankfully is gone on weekdays but when he's here on weekends it's horrible. All of last weekend for example literally every single day he was yelling at my step mom over something silly such as "you aren't spending time with me" when she literally is hanging out with him downstairs watching a movie or just coloring in a little book during it.. or blaming her or me and my step sisters for being lazy and not helping around the house but when he's here he doesn't help at all the most cleaning I've ever seen him do is clean my room sometimes when I'm away at college which isn't relatively that difficult considering my room is fairly clean. My dad also makes my step mom cry often. I feel unsafe here genuinely and I hate how long college breaks are for it. I would stay with friends but none of them are close enough where I could be with them for the majority of the day. Its also been hard dating wise because I feel like I can't go out like an adult because of him without him getting mad about something. It's honestly all exhausting and sometimes it's to the point where I have thoughts that something horrible would happen to him just so we all have an escape from him. I'm tired of yelling and I hate having to be his idea of perfection just so I don't get yelled at. I know nothing can be done but I'm just hoping for support I guess or maybe coping mechanisms. I think the worst part is that after he yells he acts like everything is fine or he "apologizes" to me or my step mom but then he doesn't change his behavior. I genuinely believe he has undiagnosed bpd or npd because he also never wants to admit he's in the wrong or he feels as if we're being "disrespectful" we get yelled at. Thankfully it's never gotten physical but he still throws stuff sometimes at us or across the room sometimes I'm afraid one of these days it will get physical.

If someone hits you, people respond immediately.

If someone manipulates you, isolates you, destabilizes you, people say:

“Communicate better.”

“Have you tried therapy?”

“No one’s perfect.”

Why is psychological harm treated as a personality conflict instead of injury?

Has anyone successfully explained emotional abuse to someone who didn’t believe it was real?

How did you frame it?

In the latest news update tonight my mom now believes that I’m hoarding every single towel in my room somewhere and I’m the sole reason why the towels are disappearing.. I told her that I didn’t have any and I was just as confused as she was and she said bullshit and then banned me from ever using a towel again and “I’m on my own now”? Oh and also she’s gonna buy towels for herself and my 20 year old brother who still lives at home without a job but she’s going to make sure I will NOT be allowed to use them (obviously, jeez)

It’s been almost 3 months since my abusive ex and I broke up. While I wasn’t perfect and made my fair share of mistakes, none of her reactions were justified. I went through a year of her screaming at me for small things like getting water on the counter, knocking over her water bottle, who was on my social media following (not even anything bad, all just friends or old friends). She would try and coax reactions out of me by insulting my friends and had some sort of superiority complex over me socially because she thought her friends were cooler than mine. I was called names, blamed and accused of things, hit a for being myself, and when I raised my voice back it was “how dare you speak to me like that”.

The reason I’m bringing all this up is because I’m finally starting to date again but it feels weird. I know how to avoid that situation and am capable of advocating for myself after therapy but I was always too scared of speaking up in that relationship and calling my ex out. Part of me resents my ex because I never got to snap and call her out on all her bullshit and I really want to. How did you get over this feeling of wanting to let your ex know every single way they were awful to you?

Edit, I have not used Reddit much and cannot figure out how to edit the headline. I do not know that he has dementia, I only suspect that he does. Additionally, please consider that dementia patients become emotionally, verbally, and eventually physically abusive to their caretakers and that I myself have mental and physical health conditions which make his mistreatment of me a life-threatening matter. His emotional abuse makes me want to die, and I have severe clinical depression. Please be kind. I have been very distressed by the degree of unkindness most people have displayed here in their responses to this post. They were kinder in the original post when they were discussing the matter of emotional abuse.​

Here is the original post describing some of his behaviors. This began on April 1 after he had thunderclap headaches, daily chest pains, and occasional hallucinations. His father died of dementia and his aunt has it. I read that some kinds of dementia run in families. I am frightened and I do not know if there is a Biblical basis for divorcing someone who is being emotionally abusive due to health problems.

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalabuse/comments/1tgg4k2/comment/omjmzzu/

So, my husband has sought support from only women when we’ve gone through hard times. He hasn’t actually gotten together with them, but has contacted a few different women, I believe. Maybe chatted through FB or text, maybe.

He says his male friends don’t provide the support he needs. He says the support from women is very different than what men provide.

This makes me feel so uneasy. We’ve had issues sexually and this is when he started contacting other women. As far as I know, he’s not typically “emotionally cheating” like forming intimate conversations as far as I know.

I don’t know if this is considered emotional cheating - I’m just trying to process it. He is emotionally abusive in other ways however.

Edit: another maybe relative part - my husband would be livid if I did this.

TW: SA

So my husband (32M) and I (29F) have been together 10 years now (married almost 7). We have two young kids together. Over the years of being together we have never been on the same page about sex. There were many, many instances of him giving me the silent treatment and staying upset for days, along with making me feel like something is wrong with me whenever I said “no” to sex. Most times I would convince myself to just do it so the household mood wasn’t strung with his negativity. Anyways, I started therapy 1.5 year ago because I firmly believed something was wrong with me… which soon figured out wasn’t true. Through therapy I’ve found my voice, set boundaries, and have been getting better at showing emotions. It’s taking a lot for me (because of my childhood), but I’m getting there. We also are doing couples counseling. There are other issues being discussed besides sex (he has adhd which has been contributing to some engagement/connection issues between us and even his children, he claims he’s working on).

So things have been super on and off with us. It’s a horrible cycle. I’ve owned up to my part of struggling to give him encouragement and recognization for the good that he’s doing in this process, which is something I’ve been working hard on.

Well fast forward to about 2 months ago, he touched me inappropriately in my sleep. We confronted this and he claims he “didn’t know I wouldn’t like it” when I know that he would know, as for the past year and a half I’ve asked him to please not touch me like that (even when I’m awake). He also was completely surprised and angry when our therapist told him it’s SA, and that he would “never do anything like that to me”.

Well now it’s been a couple months since that instant and he’s back saying that he’s feeling so disconnected from me physically and it’s so “emotionally overwhelming” and basically making me feel like there is no possible way to heal when he gets to this point every 1-2 months. He also said that when my therapist, his therapist, and our couples therapist held a meeting that they are “validated his sexual frustration” with me. My therapist said they never used the words sexual frustration in the meeting at all. They validated his feelings, yes, but not his sexual frustration towards me. My husband used that against me the other day basically saying “all our therapists say it’s valid that I’m sexually frustrated with you”. Anyways last night he totally freaked out to the point of sleeping on the couch. He just constantly says I don’t think physical intimacy is as important as he thinks it is, and that he’s committed and changed and working on things but I still don’t show affection towards him.

We have a couples session tonight but like someone please tell me what is going on here. I feel like I can’t wrap my head around anything and that I am the major problem in all of this.

I've been with this guy only 2 months and he was moving it along very fast. We had been connected by a mutual friend, but hadn't met in person yet for the first two weeks. Before I went to visit him he was saying I'm his soulmate and he can't stop thinking about me and looks at my photos all day long. I told him let's slow down a bit and get to know each other more. When I arrived to visit him (he lives in my home city, I am away from there for a couple months but moving back) I felt overwhelmed and had told him if we can slow down a bit. I felt a lot of pressure sexually and emotionally and he was getting upset with me. I went to stay with my best friend for a few days who lived a few blocks from ironically, and he took it in the wrong way. I felt super bad about this because maybe I hurt his feelings, but I just felt like staying with him right away was not going to make me feel comfortable and it would be better to spend time in a more healthy way and slower pace. He exploded on me one day because I was upset that he went to a party and came home the next day at 3pm high on drugs and didn't communicate that with me, and started to scream at me in the car that I am a horrible human and a piece of sh*t for this, he was trying so hard to do nice things for me (dinners, a vacation within the first two weeks of me being there, etc) and I was ungrateful. I felt so awful to make him feel like that, and he is allowed to go out without me but honestly this scared me so bad.

I did forgive him after that because I felt so guilty. But since then he has been very controlling, he wants me to move in ASAP, he is monitoring who I follow, getting upset if my phone is on silent when I sleep, demanding I answer his calls even when I am busy or trying to sleep or working, getting upset if a man sits next to me on a flight (I travel for work), blocking me or disappearing when he's mad and telling me insults such as to stfu, I'm a f**king bitch, I'm a loser, my family never loved me, I have low IQ, I'm below his type of woman, I am a narcissist, I am a low quality woman, I'm a piece of sh*t (I've heard this about 48 times now), theres are just some that I can remember. He's told me that I probably f**ked some guy and to take condoms with me when I go somewhere because I will need them. He's told me I am the type of woman to make someone murder. That I make him want to hurt himself or someone else. He threatens me all the time "watch what I will do to you, watch what I'm about to do now, you will regret not listening to me), That I am sick, I need mental help, I should be in a hospital because my mind isn't right, that I don't do anything for him and I'm cheap. He has kicked me out of his house a few times or break up with me and say he didn't mean it, and will scream at me and throw his phone, he's thrown a box in my direction. He always will say he didn't mean it when he says we are done or to get tf away from him. He has told me I expect too much from him when I continue to beg him to just be nice to me, stop calling me names and please apologize for hurting me and to please care about my feelings to. He says that I am cheap because he has paid for my two flights to come visit him (he set this expectation that when i come visit he will handle the flights and that when I move back he will pay my moving expenses i.e. shipping my car). Our last big fight happened after he kicked me out the day before while blaming me for losing money while he was trading. He always blames me for losing trades because I put him in an unclear mental state and he can't focus and I am his source of stress. When he lsoes he will throw his phone and hit things or the wall. The next day in his house I caught him texting another woman and I asked who is she, he exploded once again saying I am invading his privacy because I saw the notification. He was screaming at me that I am a f**king bitch, and I ran out of the room upset. I came back in the room asking what is going on and he said he would show me the messages from her if I suck his d**k, and that I never do it for him and he is always asking me. I am obviously hysterically crying because this is a really disgusting feeling for me in that moment. He shows me the messages from her, but the rest of the chat is deleted and I can see that she is responding to him and those texts are completely gone. Then he demands I suck his d**k and he has it out, touching himself. I said no this is humiliating. He says that I never do it for him, I don't make him feel good everand grabs his phone saying he is "working" while I'm sobbing. Then I start to text my friend that I feel unsafe, and he tries to snatch my phone from me asking who am I texting. I said her name, and he grabbed my wrist and I freaked out and ran into another room. He yelled at me that I'm a f**king whore. I went downstairs to start packing my luggage again because I wanted to leave. He came down 5 minutes later and calmly asked if I wanted coffee. Idk why but this made me feel really freaked out that he came down all calm as if nothing just happened and I still was crying hard. He started screaming at me again that I need mental help, threw his phone, and I honestly started voice recording him because I was really scared and said if you throw something again I will call the police you are scaring me. I wasn't going to but it seemed to be the only thing to make him stop. He told me to get TF out of his house and called our mutual friend, spoke to her calm saying that "you don't know what I am dealing with here". I grabbed my stuff and left and blocked him eveerywhere. He went out to a party that night, added a ton of girls he was with and then started calling me from a burner number the next day and asking our friends to have me unblock him to talk to him. I did the day after and he still is saying I made him do those things, I trigger his trauma and am I too much. He says sorry but then keeps blaming me so I feel confused. He eventually started yelling on the phone calling me a bitch again and I blocked him entirely. He's trying to turn our mutual friend against me as well. I have never been in a situation like this but I feel like I'm the problem somehow too. Like maybe he doesn't feel appreciated but it is hard when someone is screaming at you and calling you names literally everyday.

Hi I am a 15 year old from California I think my parents are emotionally abusive but I can't tell here's a timeline: at 8 years old I screamed at the top of my lungs and was somewhat physically violent and said horrible things like "I hope you die" or "I want to go to foster care" and in return my parents splashed water on my face and called me a brat. at 9 years my outbursts continued and I was called a brat in return and screamed back at. At 10 I developed an eating disorder and things were good conflict was low. At 11 they found out and said stuff like "you're so thin" and "you need to eat" and yelled during conflict and showed me pictures of scary thin women to scare me into eating they said do you want to look like this and eventually I got sent to treatment and it was really bad we were weighed naked and subject to a punitive level system and much more(they got sued later) but I came back at 12 and was angry I wanted revenge and my outbursts were worse and I said horrible things my parents said fuck you and called me a bitch and a brat and I used those insults back they also hit me in the face and pinned me and pulled my hair and this continued till 14 I got a PTSD diagnosis and I hid my symptoms cause they didn't care but got me therapy and now I am 15 with a mild hoarding problem and a fear of my parents is this abuse?

Has anyone been through this before?

I'm drowning.