r/emotionalabuse

My boyfriend and I have taken many explicit photos and videos during intimacy and I’ve taken/shared several of myself with him past and presently. However, tonight I caught him with his phone up while I was facing the other direction and then heard him set it back down really quick. Afterwards, when I asked what he was doing on his phone he just dismissed the question and started talking about something else. I brought it up again and said I just want to know if you’re taking pictures and I don’t appreciate being lied to. He denied taking photos but got super defensive about it and turned it around on me to start an argument about how I’m always framing him to look like a creep. I had forgotten until now but I’ve also caught him before on his phone and the flash went off but even then he adamantly denied it, saying if anything he “may have accidentally hit the camera” while swiping his phone unlocked.

Am I underreacting by not pushing it? I’m not normally shy about photos, for me it’s just strictly the lack of my knowledge and consent on it?? My gut instinct is telling me he’s lying and that he’s absolutely taking photos or videos without me knowing. It feels icky but I almost feel like I’m not allowed to be mad or upset because I’ve allowed these things to happen before so what’s the difference?

ive never yelled at or called my partner names.

but we have issues with them crossing boundaries and me being unheard and no resolution

ive opted to break up early on but they didnt want to. i felt like we were incompatible alot because i felt like it wasnt working the relationship was triggering for me and i knew it wasnt a good environment for me or for them. i kept breaking up with them but they kept tryin to come back and then it would last a little longer... the issues never resolved and i always knew but they wouldnt acknowledge or fix the issue.

this is where im starting to realize i was abusive. they would do things that made me upset or we'd have problems in the relationship and i would bottle up my feeelings because when i would try to talk to them about it, its like they were unable to hear it. they'd fall asleep or just make up an excuse or have a reason but basically, they would always avoid it.

Eventually i would get mad and break up with them. and when i would tell them they would cry. because i think at this point they can feel that its almost like i hate them. and instead of stopping and acknowledging their feelings i would keep ranting about it and make them cry even more. it was like venting about what was hurting me... and im the type of person that felt like it was calle for and part of being accountability, i would think its okay for someone else to talk to me that way, if i made them feel this way. everything i said was valid and true. but the problem is it would hurt them and i wouldn't stop.

im probably going to go to therapy and see what they say. sorry in advance if this is the wrong place to post, i assume this is more for victims.

I think I am in an abusive relationship. Yesterday, I said something that came out by accident to his mom so he kicked my leg trying to get my attention but he said “he kicked it too hard” which he did. He claims that there was something under the table that got his foot stuck to make him kick that hard. He yelled at me. He threw stuff at the wall. Was telling his mom he kicked me and then he took over explaining that he was trying to get my attention and when he was walking away he felt bad. His mom was telling me I need to watch my wording bc that could get him in trouble. Going over almost felt rehearsed of like he was trying to get my attention. last night, He screamed at me. I asked him why does he go from 0-100 all of a sudden with his anger all the time and he said idk. When he yells at me I feel like a kid getting yelled at by my mom. It makes me feel incredibly small. He bangs his head against the floor when he’s pissed. He throws stuff at the wall like his vape or pillow. What’s crazy is I did not know that he was like this until we started dating.We have been together for 2 years. So I just need to know am I going crazy or?

One of the hardest parts is not how he treated me, but how I treated myself—I have so much shame for not being strong enough to walk away sooner and to say “no thank you” to all of this behavior.

I (36F) just ended a relationship (with 36M) and I am struggling to understand what happened. Friends and my therapist told me he was emotionally abusing me, but I keep blaming myself and thinking I was too sensitive and that he had just had a really hard year. I took some quizzes the other day to see if it was emotional abuse and I’m even more confused and doubting myself and questioning my own reality. The quizzes ask questions that are so black and white, and what I experienced was in the in-between. Is this even abuse?

For example:

• He didn’t keep me from seeing family and friends, but he made me feel miserable when I did: he would see I’m out with friends (on find my friends) and make passive aggressive comments about how late it was. Or he’d lash out at me about something else, about how bad he was doing, and say something like “but I see you’re too busy for me.” He’d also pick fights when we were with either of our families. At my sister’s wedding, I made chicken for dinner, and people complimented it — I’m pretty sure I actually gave credit to my brother, who had marinated it, but he was quiet during dinner and went back to our room; I could tell something was wrong. When I asked what was going on, he said he was annoyed that I accepted all praise for the chicken, I’m full of myself, and I should have given credit to my brother. 
• He didn’t hit me, but he slammed doors, drove fast (knowing it scared me), squeezed my leg until I yelped, and muttered seething sarcastic comments under his breath when he was mad
• He didn’t control my finances, but he said hurtful things about how I’m powerful and controlling at work and I’m conceited. When I asked him if it would improve our relationship for me to quit, he said yes. During a work day, he would talk about suicidal ideation and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it (or even to come over) he’d say “Anyway hope your meetings are productive…Good luck with whatever is more important.”
• He never called me a bitch or stupid or ugly, but he’d make subtle digs at me being controlling or conceited or too career-driven, and it’d end up spiraling into “I just think we want different things out of a relationship.” He also wrote a 4 page doc about me and how I live my life in fear and that he’s not going to entertain a relationship where I have one foot out the door. This spiraled into a 15+ minute voice note about how I live my life in fear and it’s the cause of every problem in my life. He created no-win situations: for example, I wasn’t supposed to text him when I was in meetings, but if I didn’t text him back quickly enough (because I was in meetings), he’d lash out at me.
• He didn’t force me to have sex with him but there was a time when he wanted to have sex and I said I was too tired/it was too late, and he jumped out of bed and started saying that when couples stop having sex, that’s the sign of the end of the relationship. He started frantically looking for different hotels (we were in a different country). The next morning, he had looked up flights home for me; when I asked if he wanted that, he said no but he assumed I’d want to go home.
• He didn’t cheat on me (that I know about), but he frequently told me about all of the girls who wanted to hook up with him and asked him to cheat on me with. He also assumed I had slept with a lot of people, including most of my friends.
• He wasn’t outright jealous but if I talked to men—even in his own family—he’d storm off to another room and “meditate.” He ended up saying he was just having a hard personal time and he wanted me by his side all night. One time I was friendly to some guys on a hike, and he said I wasn’t that nice to him, and he left me half way through the hike and just ran home. I hike the 6 remaining miles alone.
• He didn’t humiliate me directly, but he’d reference personal things about my health in a coded way in front of his friends and family — things that I knew what they meant, but his family and friends wouldn’t.

 

All of this made me incredibly scared and feeling like I was walking on eggshells. It culminated during a trip in another country where we had a fight about his passive aggressive comments. During that disagreement, we went to get dinner, and I opened the door and kicked it open for him—it ended up hitting a wall pretty loudly. He made a comment about how mad I must be (I wasn’t mad, I was genuinely trying to hold the door open for him) and I said I needed 30 minutes alone for dinner to collect myself. He said he didn’t want to date me anymore. When I came back to our room, he was gone, his things were gone, and he had unshared his location. For two hours, I had no idea where he was, if he was safe, if I'd ever see him again. He ended up texting me two hours later saying he had gotten another room in the hotel and would be on the 8am shuttle to the airport the next morning—he didn’t mention the breakup at all. He didn’t say anything to me in the morning (I didn’t either—my mistake, but I thought he’d say something since he initiated breaking up) - even as I sobbed in the car ride to the airport. 

The apologies after all of these were great. They came with acknowledgments of his behavior, that he was working on himself, that it was just an incredibly hard year for him, that he loves me, that we’re a match made in heaven.

I feel so much shame for staying for so long. If it was so bad, why did I stay and why did it take me so long to leave? Some people say “at least he didn’t hit you.” I sometimes wish he did; at least there would be proof.

Questions:

How do I even start to heal, and believe that this was not something I could have prevented? How do I trust myself? How do I stop pathologizing myself (something must be wrong with me to have been abandoned in a foreign country and to be treated like this)? Any tangible things I can do -- books (already read Why Does He Do That), podcasts, journaling, daily tips?

Thanks everyone.

Okay, so before anyone judges me, I know I made a huge mistake by reaching out to him again.
I was in a very abusive relationship with my ex for a year and a half, and we’ve been broken up for almost a year. During our relationship he constantly insulted me and destroyed my self-esteem.
This past year has been a lonely one. I’ve been living alone, going out alone, and all of my close friends are in relationships. I had also just finished one of the most stressful exams of my life (my cardiology exam), and I just wanted to relax and spend time with someone.
So I asked him to come over. I told him I’d finished my exam and didn’t want us to argue.
The evening was mostly okay, although he kept telling me I needed to change because I attract the wrong kind of men. Then he told me the only reason he stayed with me during our relationship was because, back then, he couldn’t afford to date other women. He also started telling me unnecessary details about the woman he dated after me. A year ago those comments would’ve destroyed me, but this time I stood up for myself and didn’t let them get to me.
The very next day, completely out of nowhere, he sent me a picture of himself in a car with another woman who was naked. Then the two of them started mocking me over text, saying things like, “She even got vaccinated against HPV for me. Why are you so upset? We don’t talk to people who get offended so easily.”
I blocked him immediately.
I know I shouldn’t have contacted him again, and I’ve learned my lesson. What I can’t understand is why someone would go out of their way to do something so cruel. Has anyone dealt with someone like this? How do you stop trying to make sense of behavior that seems completely irrational?

I (41M) have been married for 16 years to my wife (41F). And I am emotionally abusive, primarily through defensiveness.

Recently, I was introduced to the concept to look at
defensiveness through the lens of substance abuse and it really opened my eyes, to the pain that I’m causing, and how by suppressing my anger has lead to resentment, which causes defensiveness - and ultimately abuse.

But here is the thing - if I were drinking or doing drugs, there are clear support groups for those who want to break their cycle and heal. However, I can’t find the equivalent outside of mental health groups. I have nothing but respect for those groups, but their focus - rightfully so - is on helping people with challenges like depression, anxiety etc. where I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

So I’m turning to Reddit. I want to hold myself accountable for the abuse and for the changes I need to make, like AA. Not sure if this will work - but I welcome your thoughts and suggestions.

Living in hell. Can't forgive myself. She never will.

Posted this in a few subs to get some different perspectives. I hope it belongs here.

I treated someone who loved me terribly for the final years of our relationship. I became complacent with her doing everything for us while I slipped deeper into addiction. I wasn't born a narcissist and I've since gotten sober and improved through therapy but I behaved like a toxic nightmare. She loved me so much and did everything to help until she couldnt anymore. Looking back I can remember how difficult it was for her to leave. She actually ugly cried about how she didnt want me to end up hating her. She promised she would never dissapear. When she actually left I lost my mind and said some of the most horrible things imaginable.

She never spoke to me again.

Ive tried so hard to talk to her again. In some of the most pathetic ways. She hasn't spoken to me in 6 years and I havent been able to move on. I don't know how to move on without being able to apologize. I feel like I'm worthless and I haven't even tried meeting anyone new. I feel like I dont deserve it but I just want to feel love again. I know it will never be hers but I hope I can heal to treat someone the way she deserved.

I wish I could earn her forgiveness or even an acknowledgement of my apology. Its so fucked up but I feel like I need her permission to move on with someone new as a consequence of hurting her. Like some twisted penance I have to carry out until she releases me from her debt. I hate myself.

I know she owes me nothing in terms of closure. I know my closure could even be traumatizing for her. I just miss her so much and I cant live with what I did to my best friend. The wave of warmth and light that would wash over me if she just sent me a text saying she accepts my apology would outshine any real joy ive had in my life in years. Its been so cold and unforgiving, literally. I know thats a fever dream of a thought though and pathetic beyond belief. Im so fucking sorry Nicole. I know we'll never speak.

Womp womp though right? Kids are dying around the world and Im getting what I deserve while she is probably living so well with me as a nothing but a distant bad memory that pops up once a year. How long is long enough to pay for what I've done? Fuck, Im sorry I hurt you. Im just so fucking sorry.

Figured id post this here and get a perspective on how fucking awful I am. It took me a long time to reconcile that I was an abuser and that it wasn't "just arguments and difficult times". I hope this is at least cathartic for some of you. Im broken and dont know how to heal.

Recently begun questioning if somebody in my life is more than just toxic and I need some anonymous, unbiased perspective here. At what point does a toxic relationship turn into an abusive one? Does the difference really matter when you know somebody is bad for you? And does anybody have advice for how to handle living with someone who you know is bad for you?

(Note: this is about my brother, not a romantic relationship. We both still live with our parents bc I'm a student and the housing market is in shambles, respectively)

My (33f) boyfriend (48m) and I have been dating 9 months. I have a history of being in abusive relationships, which he knows about. He was married for ten years, but is divorced now. I’m not sure how relevant it is, but his ex-wife is younger than me and they met when she was pretty young.

I want to preface this by saying that I know I should want better for myself and want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I’m fully self-aware when it comes to that and I’m working through why I struggle to leave in therapy. But I’m starting to really struggle with if this is an abusive relationship or if I’m out of touch with reality like he tells me I am.

I have probably 30+ examples of similar scenarios, but want advice or input on the most recent one because I’m starting to believe the things he says and it’s messing with my reality.

My boyfriend is your typical ‘nice guy.’ He was really generous and thoughtful at the beginning of the relationship but I’ve noticed that he rarely takes accountability, flat out refuses to give me reassurance when I ask for it, and sometimes will berate me and say mean and hurtful things about my character during fights. For instance, he’s called me white trash, told me I have nothing to offer him, says he could get anyone he wants, and that I’m playing a victim who misrepresents my past. I consider myself honest to a fault and he knows mistakes I’ve made and traumas I’ve experienced. When I’ve brought up how hurtful the things he says when he’s angry are, he says he said them because he meant them. I’ve never received an apology for how he makes me feel.

To give some context, about a month or two ago he made a comment about not having fun somewhere because it wasn’t his crowd and the girls weren’t his type or something like that. I asked in a relatively normal tone “why does it matter what the girls are like?” This led to an hour of being berated in a restaurant because I live in an alternate reality if I think men don’t look at other women. I’m not dumb and I know they do, but I also don’t think it’s crazy for me to want reassurance about the situation. I yielded and basically said I was wrong and I was sorry.

Recently, we were out and he pointed to a table of beautiful women behind us and said “look at those girls. They all look like models.” I said yeah they’re pretty and dropped it. But then I noticed he looked past me probably no less than forty times at this table. I got to a point and said pretty calmly, “can you please not do that in front of me?” Or something to that nature. It turned into a multi-hour berating about how I live in an alternate reality and I’m delusional and how he wants me gone and he could be with someone who doesn’t have insecurities and none of his exes ever accused him of anything. I try to appease him and tell him he’s right and that I’m working on my insecurities (I am in therapy) but he keeps doubling down and telling me how I feel. It always comes back to him telling me I can’t read social situations and I’m out of touch with reality and if he tells his friends they’ll all agree I’m crazy.

Of course when I tell my friends and family these things, they take my side. But I’m human and I understand that I am flawed and I may be misrepresenting the truth based on my experiences or my past. I’m not necessarily looking to be told that I’m not wrong but I guess I’d love other people to weigh in and tell me how they’d respond in this situation. If it is something that’s really wrong with me, I’d like to fix it. It’s really making me doubt my self awareness, self concept, and sense of reality and it’s tearing me up. It’s only compounded by the fact that I’m having such a hard time just leaving and accepting that he seemingly doesn’t like me.

I (31F) think I need... help.

For the last several months, I've felt like I've been in some version of the cycle of abuse. There have been periods where things are great, then tension builds, then something happens and I'm left feeling anxious, scared, or responsible for his emotions.

Some examples:

• He grabbed the collar of my shirt during an argument.
• He once joked that he wanted to hurt me with his fists clenched.
• He's blown up my phone, blocked/unblocked me repeatedly, and reached out to my friends when I didn't respond.
• He has a tendency to try to "put me in my place" or intimidate me when he's upset.
• I've found myself managing his moods and changing my behavior because I'm afraid of escalation.

The thing that's confusing me is that when I finally hit my breaking point and told him I think this is abuse, he didn't deny it.

He said things like:

• "I lost all control of myself."
• "I wanted you to feel the hurt I was feeling."
• "I've been perpetuating a cycle of abuse (both physical and emotional)."
• "I know what I'm asking for is unreasonable."

He's now saying he'll go to therapy every day if he has to, enroll in a program, tell his family, and do whatever it takes to get better. He keeps asking for one more chance.

The problem is... I don't trust him.

I told him I'd be abandoning myself if I stayed. I genuinely think the next violent episode could be worse. At the same time, I don't think he's faking his remorse. I think he's terrified of losing me and is having a moment of real clarity.

I guess my question is:

Can someone be genuinely remorseful, deeply self-aware, and still be unsafe to date? Has anyone experienced their partner finally "getting it" only after you'd already emotionally left the relationship? Did you stay? Did you regret it?

I'm struggling because I have compassion for him, but I'm also realizing compassion and safety may not be the same thing.... Thoughts?

EDIT: Wow, it’s barely been a day. I made a new Reddit burner for this and I’m glad I did. I had blocked him for a bit after the last blow up and ended up finding thousands of messages on my computer he sent while blocked… I’ll spare you details but I was terrified. Told his family and told him to not contact me again. Haven’t heard from him since. I feel free. Thank you all.

We've been living together for 12 years and have 2 kids. Everything was always like he wanted, where we live, how we lived. He managed this somehow by either long (weeks) silent treatment, or if I kept pushing him to talk to me, yelling. A lot of eye rolling. If I open the window even, he gets mad and closes it with force (apperantly he gets a cold if window is open idk), if I put ac in the car, he'd turned it off annoyed. Soon he'd stop making room for me. If I was having a meal he'd storm out because he doesn't want to listen to me eat, if we went anywhere, I didn't have a room to sit in the car because the passanger's sit was full of rubish. He'd mock me at not being able to look after the kids when he is not home (which is not true), if he comes home and kids are fighting he'd yell stuff like I can't even be gone for one minute (I am capable of looking after the kids, all kids sometimes fight). I cook a family meal, he will make a sandwich 5 mintes before it served, I organize to go somewhere with the kids, he'll take the car without telling me (thankfully we have 2 cars now).

He'd also use a lot of gaslighing. I didn't know this. I realized it only when I went to a pysch to tell me what's wrong with me that he hates me so much, and through months of sessions it became clear I have completely distorted reality, don't know what's up or down. I am always to blame. He doesn't really talk to me. He prefers if I am quiet and just make sure we are organized and up to schedule.

I feel like he used me as a tool. He wanted desperately to build an apartment in his parents house, which I paid for. I told him I don't want to live here million times, but when I was in postapartum depression (which annoyed him sooo much he couldn't stand me). I finally agreed as I had no strenght to object. And then he was done with me. Maybe it was something else but it feels like it happened at that time. Since all this I don't know who I am anymore, I've been depressed and at times suici*dal. I don't think he understands I am a human being. He has no interest. Every now and again he is trying to be kind, funny, it used to convince me everything will be fine, but I don't care anymore. I don't want him to tuch me or even look at me anymore. I feel damaged beyond repair. I told him I want to leave and he laughed it off, said where are you gonna go with these market prices, besides, we are absolutely fine as a couple. He seems to belive that.

My pysch thinks he is a narc. I wantched Dr Ramani's videos but it doesn't really match. I have no idea what I am dealing with here, but it's only been a few weeks that's shifted in my head, it's not me, it's him. But realizing the damage he's done to me, it's not easy. And it's too hard to get out financially, but I can't live like this. He is great with other people though, also great with the kids. He is not negative, resentful, like narcs usually can be. What is going on?

So some back story, his stepdad is VERY controlling and I could give many examples but that would take all day. My bf is in charge of cooking for him and his autistic brother, or gettin take out, grocery shopping, taking his brother to tutoring, etc. my bf is 18 in September but he truly dosent want to wait that long. His dad isent just strict, he has a control problem and many other problems that affect his relationships with my bfs mom. Recently my bfs mom had a black eye, idk if it’s tied together but ik that his dad got mad at him and his mom because his mom had to work with a male at her job. He has a communication issue and definitely emotionally abuses my bf. His parents don’t take care of him or his brother besides a roof and a phone. My bf like I said does the shopping. My bf wants to leave asap but we’re in Ohio and dosent want to get the authority’s involved. My mom would let him stay here, my room is big enough to stay here for our last year of highschool I even have a second closet, but how do we legally do this. I mean heck I’m fine sharing a phone or giving him an old one and sharing my parents car till we can buy one to split between us. We both wanna go to the same community college and transfer as well. Even my mom says that his parents(mostly dad) are 100% abusive and have issues and she isent gonna cut me off when I move out like his would. I would even be on her phone plan still. Truly, is there anyways to do this before he turns 18 without getting authorities involved? If we did and they decided he was fine, it could get worse when his parents find out.

It feels like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and now I can’t unsee things.

Recently, and very unexpectedly, I left my home and ended my long-term relationship. I got tired of feeling small, invisible, constantly pressured, and like I was never enough.

I’m still trying to process everything. I’m slowly realizing that I was in an emotionally, verbally, and even financially abusive relationship. During my first few days away, I came to this group and read your stories because I needed clarity. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy, and to reassure myself that I hadn’t thrown everything away for no reason. My mind feels like such a confusing place right now.

I’m struggling to make sense of what happened. I question everything, and I keep second-guessing myself.

The more I read your experiences, the more it hurts, and honestly, it shocks me, how many of the same boxes my relationship checks. The control. The yelling. Walking on eggshells. The moments of love that seem enough, followed by the emotional highs and lows and blown up fights over nothing….Reading your stories has made me realize that, in so many ways, what happened to you also happened to me.

I feel like I completely lost myself in this relationship. I didn’t see the flags, that maybe I didn’t fight enough?! It breaks my heart, and now I have to start over.

For those of you who have been through this, what helped you the most in those first weeks or months? this will be a long and deeply personal journey. Every day is a different emotion.

I would really appreciate hearing what helped you begin to heal…

I posted for the first time yesterday and it was helpful to hear other peoples thoughts ... "outside the vacuum" if you know what I mean.

I could create one long post and try to describe everything but the internet isn't big enough. So instead of trying to boil the ocean I've decided I will just post randomly here as needed to get a public unbiased thoughts and hopefully one day believe what I already know ... that I'm not crazy, the asshole, losing my mind, a jerk, selfish, a dick or any of the other names. I hear often.

So here goes, I live with my gf of 15 years. It's been very up and down, very good and very bad over the years but the last few years its been really bad and "its all my fault"

Tonights argument ... I put a 75" TV in our bedroom and its gotten where all she does is lay in bed and watch HER shows. There is nowhere comfortable for me to sit and watch TV with her unless I'm laying in the bed and she pretty much controls what is on the TV.

We have a nice basement with a sectional, exercise equipment, etc. and I keep telling her that I am going to move the TV down to the basement and every time I try to explain all the practical reasons ... we could watch shows together, we could watch shows alone, someone could actually go to bed and go to sleep and the other could still watch TV, etc. Every time all I get is "I don't like the basement", "you're being a jerk" ... and worse.

I told her here are all the reasons I think it makes sense and here are the argument of practically ... but here is another solution ... "you buy a 75" TV and we'll put it on the wall in the basement and we can leave the TV that is in the bedroom where it is"

Now I am being a dick, blackmailing her into buying a TV, just being an asshole, yada, yada, yada ... I thought it was a reasonable solution but I'm being told I have the problem.

Now I find myself explaining all of this to a world of people whom I don't know just to hear someone tell me I'm not crazy ... or that I actually am the dick if thats the case. It's gaslighting right? I mean I do feel like I'm second guessing my own judgement!!

I know I need to leave my emotionally abusive husband. He is only abusive when we argue, he yells and insults me, puts me down, makes the fight about my character flaws and tells me its my fault rather than discussing the actual issue. He criticizes everything that is important to me and I always come second to him.

But we share a toddler. I know he will be angry if I leave, he may even show up at my parents house where I'll be moving or call me if I leave without saying. But our last fight he said he would put my things out on the curb and never let me back in our home provided I left. So I feel like I have to pack and just be gone if I want to leave.

I don't even know how to go about this. Especially when he turns so sweet and things feel great when we aren't fighting... it makes me feel like I cannot leave when he is nice to me. I feel bad.

I dont know, has anyone gone through this here and left when things were "good"?

Has anyone else’s partner said this to them?? Mine constantly excuses shit as it’s just his personality, that he’s a smart-ass, blunt, loud, opinionated. And it’s not something to be fixed.

“I’m just accepting how I am, it’s my personality, I’ll always be a smart-ass. If you were truly happy it wouldn’t affect you that much. Your concerns are valid but you still take everything way too seriously because you’re a sad person” :/

Or that you just have a “different communication styles” and you’re just too sensitive?

Is this ok or acceptable to police someone's natural tone and voice - Each person hold different tone/voice when happy, excited and otherwise. My bf said I should maintain some base voice or subtle voice around him and should not shout even a bit of irritation - if happens he becomes passive aggressive. Earlier at the beginning he did not have problem with it - he is a party person enjoys loud music but somewhere the women around him as to speak softly, quietly and kindly - even a TV reality show host voice makes him resented and angry and he mimics it.

is this ok?

I had a platonic friendship with a girl for over 4 years. She has abandoned the friendship for weeks-months repeatedly. Otherwise, we talk 24/7 (literally expects me to call her while I’m at work.) Last year, for example, she left for 2 months when I told her I was having a bad day and asked why she didn’t get back to me for hours.

In April, she randomly stopped messaging me. Her last text was “can we talk a ton today pleaseeeee.” Then vanished for 5 weeks (besides one intermediate text saying she was busy). She called me out of the blue. I expressed that it hurt she did this, to which she replied, “it’s scary you were upset at me. Friends just drift apart, so promise me you won’t get angry.” Within minutes, she was back to saying I’m the best and asked what she’d do without me. She said it was awful not talking to me.

For the next 2 weeks, we’d talk daily for hours on end. (I was on a trip seeing family so couldn’t hang out.) When I didn’t answer her calls she’d say, “Sad!! Can we please at least text??” She’d laugh so hard and enjoy. She kept saying, “it’s just so nice and calm talking to you.”

Then, suddenly, she stops replying for 2 days. She calls me out of the blue late at night 4 times. I call back shortly after. She said, “Hi, I was sleeping.” I offered to call back tomorrow, to which she said, “Oh, you gotta go? Sounds like you’re busy.” I said, “No, I’m free let’s talk for 10 min.” I asked where she’d been, and she said she was with friends and family. I asked what she was up to the next day. She said she was going on vacation. When I asked where to, she said, “just kidding!” She then said she was getting fat. When I said no she isn’t, she said, “but you haven’t seen me in months.” She then said, “I hope you have a good life.” I replied, “I hope you have the best life.” She said “L-o-l.” I said, “ok have a nice rest.” She said “bye.” I said “goodnight.” She said, “no, goodbye forever.” I didn’t say anything and she then said, “why aren’t you hanging up?” I said, “ok bye.”

It’s been several weeks now. She didn’t acknowledge my birthday text (or the gift card I sent to her.) I can’t help but to feel this my fault. I have no idea what to do. This girl is on my mind all the time— I’m worried about her.

If anybody has advice, please help. Thank you!

Anyone successfully break a trauma bond? As right now it just feels impossible, tips or advice is greatly appreciated.

Has anyone here tried couples therapy with a manipulator/narc/financially controlling spouse?

We did 6 months of online work 3 years ago, and it helped a little… until the cycle resumed. I’d like to try in person therapy, as I’m close to wanting to leave, but I’ve been told to avoid it (due to his abusiveness) by several friends/family.