r/emotionalabuse

Millions of people die in old age having never left. They thought it was too late in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s. They waited until it was, Maybe thinking all along that one day the universe would make it so that this would be easy, maybe eventually giving up entirely and making their life small enough to survive as long as they did.

It’s not rare to stay. It’s incredibly common. Millions and millions of people die every year having never left. It’s your choice.

if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, if I was in my 80s and knew my time left was short, it would still be worthwhile to leave. To prove to myself that someone cares enough about me to choose something better. That someone being me. In fact, it would be one of the most worthwhile things I could do.

so when I tell myself “but i have no one now! I’m too old, I can’t start over.” I remind myself that I don’t have to. I can continue to choose to stay. I can be like the long lineage of women in my life that stayed, living quietly, desperately, contorting themselves to fit into a life filled with pain, rejection, and suffering. There is no one stopping me. It’s incredibly common, even mundane, to make that choice.

Hey, I’m 21F, currently in my final year of BTech. I’ll hopefully start working next year, and from the outside my life probably looks pretty normal. But I’ve been carrying a lot of things from my family for years, and I don’t really know how to process them.

I come from a very strict family. Since I was a girl, there were always restrictions on where I could go, what I could do, and who I could interact with. I never really got to experience the freedom that a lot of teenagers had.

My parents had an arranged marriage. My mother has a government job and my father worked as a mechanic. Their relationship was never very healthy. My father was very egoistic and often treated my mother badly. Then my mother had a miscarriage. She was already very emotional, and after that she struggled a lot.

Later, my brother was born.

My mother became extremely protective of him. She wouldn't let him play outside much, and whenever my father told him to do something, she would often stop him. He became the child everyone worried about.

Then I was born.

I was the "good girl." I didn't give them reasons to worry. I never did anything they could be ashamed of. I tried my best to help my mother and even tried talking to my father when things were bad.

But as I grew older, everything started falling apart.

My mother's brother borrowed money from her and several relatives to build a school. My mother asked my father multiple times about taking a loan, but he refused, and eventually she felt she had no choice but to give her brother money.

When my father found out, things became extremely bad.

I was in 12th grade at the time. My father tried to hang himself. I was studying for an exam while all of this was happening. Thankfully, he eventually stopped. I tried to talk to him afterward, but he screamed at me.

He then started posting on Facebook about how my mother had betrayed him.

My mother eventually ran away from the house. A relative found her on the way and stopped her, so she was safe.

After that, my father's elder brother threatened my mother's brother, saying he would shoot him if he didn't return the money.

The entire environment at home became horrible.

I fought with my father and eventually he told me things like, "Who is she to talk?" After that, he didn't speak to me for around six months.

He never asked which college I was going to. He never asked where I was staying. He never came to drop me at my hostel.

I was extremely anxious during my first year of college. I would literally vomit because of anxiety.

Because of some health issues, I had to stay with my cousins for a while. They were two girls who were extremely mean and rude to me, and being around them made my mental state even worse.

Eventually I moved into a PG with my school friends, and things slowly became better.

I don't vomit from anxiety anymore, but I still sometimes become so anxious that I can't even speak.

And then there's my brother.

He's older than me. He spent a lot of time playing PUBG until 12th, then got admission into BTech ECE. He apparently wanted another branch, but during COVID things didn't go well. He failed multiple times, and what should have been a four-year degree took him six years.

Now he's been unemployed for around two years.

My mother still supports him completely.

He knows that even if he doesn't do anything, she'll support him. He has also learned exactly how to use her weak point.

What hurts me isn't simply that she supports him.

It's that she seems to believe him more than she believes me.

Once, a classmate messaged me on Snapchat to wish me happy birthday. My brother saw it and told my mother. He told her that if I had nothing to hide, I should show her my phone to prove him wrong.

I didn't even feel guilty because I genuinely had nothing to hide.

But I felt hurt.

My mother knows me. She knows what kind of person I am. She knows everything I've done and how careful I've always been.

So why is it that when my brother says something about me, she believes him first?

I also have to beg my brother for help with the smallest things, like filling out an exam form. Yet whenever someone in the family needs advice or help, they come to me.

I feel useful when everyone needs something from me, but when I need someone, I feel completely alone.

And recently, my mother said something that really broke me.

She told me she doesn't want me to get a job before my brother because he is older and he won't feel good about it.

I'm trying to build my career. I'm trying to become independent. I'm finally going to have a chance to make something of my life.

And apparently even that has to wait because my brother might feel bad.

I know my mother loves me. I genuinely believe she does.

That's what makes this so confusing.

I don't think she hates me. I don't think my brother is some horrible person either. But I can't ignore how differently I feel treated.

Sometimes I even think about the miscarriage and wonder what my mother's relationship with me would have been like if she had never lost that baby and I had never been born.

I hate myself for thinking that.

My mother had a government job, family support and everything she needed, yet she never left my father despite everything. I've watched her tolerate things that I don't think I would be strong enough to tolerate.

And now I'm terrified of relationships.

I've never had a boyfriend. Love marriage isn't really an option in my family, and even the idea of trusting someone scares me.

I've watched my parents' relationship and I've seen what happens when someone depends on another person emotionally.

I'm scared that if I ever trust someone, they'll eventually hurt me, control me, abandon me, or use everything I've told them against me.

I know people often say that when someone grows up in an emotionally dysfunctional family, they look for love outside the family.

I didn't.

I was too scared to even start.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually hard to love.

I've never really had that feeling of being someone's first choice.

I'm always the responsible daughter. The one who helps. The one who understands. The one who is expected to adjust.

But who chooses me?

I don't want my mother to love my brother less. I don't want him to suffer.

I just wish I didn't constantly feel like I have to be less so that he can be okay.

I'm 21. I'm trying to graduate, get a job next year, become financially independent and build a life outside all of this.

But emotionally, I still feel like that little girl who was trying to keep everyone happy while nobody noticed how scared she was.

If you've grown up in a family like this, how did you stop feeling like the second choice?

And how did you learn to trust people without being terrified that they'll eventually hurt you?

My partner (39m) of four years is great 99% of the time. I (34f) feel like I read that a lot, but let me explain:

I was a single mother when we met; my son is now 7, so 3 when we met. He didn’t judge me. Didn’t want kids of his own, but said he saw the value in having a family. We have a ton in common. Great chemistry. Shared interests and goals. He’s intelligent, attractive, successful, and generally kind. For the first two years we basically never fought. He never raised his voice.

He started calling us his family around that time, and we started going on more family trips, having sleepovers, etc. He hasn’t proposed yet, but he said he’s “committed” to helping me raise my son and sees us getting married soon. His patience and kindness with my son is part of why I fell in love with him. He’d stay calm and help if he was hurt or sick or upset. Hug me afterward.

We developed little rituals. He tucks in my son at night after I read a bedtime story, builds a “wall of stuffies,” plays made up games, and they have inside jokes and nicknames. We moved in together last year, and my son started calling him dad. This year for Father’s Day he even made him a card. Plus his family is our family. My son never knew his bio father (he died during Covid) or paternal grandparents, but now he has both.

The financial stability is also nice, I’ll admit. My partner has taken us to Disney for the past two years for my son’s birthday. He took us to Europe this summer. Flies us home for the holidays. He’s paying 2/3 of our rent now so I can go back to school and work part time. He pays for all of our dates. All of our travel. My son’s extracurriculars.

He’s a great adventure partner too. He taught my son how to ski and play ice hockey. We hike, camp, play video games, watch movies and shows. We cuddle and laugh and have a really lovely life most of the time. Our holiday traditions are magical. We have so many beautiful memories.

But occasionally… a few times a year, maybe more frequently since moving in together, he loses it.

Let me preface this by saying that my parents screamed and threw things, slammed doors, made threats, and hit us daily, so that was my normal. Most of my relationships have been closer to that (never physical abuse but very toxic). It’s hard for me to know what boundaries are healthy aside from the obvious (no spanking or anything like that).

So now… I have this man who is calm and patient most of the time, but he has gotten extremely angry a few times; it scares me. Especially the last one.

- The first time, we were in the car on the way to ski. My son was taking too long to pick a breakfast from McDonald’s, then he changed his mind after ordering. My partner screamed for him to hurry up and said “I’m so done with this”. Very brief ordeal, but shocking. He just wanted to beat traffic. Never apologized.

- Ha year later we were on vacation. Fishing trip. I complained a few times because it was raining, cold, and my line kept getting snagged or snapping. We didn’t stop for lunch. My son was miserable. Eventually, my partner yelled that I ruined his happy place. Said none of his exes were like this. I got upset. It turned into a shouting match that lasted a 15 minute drive home with him yelling the entire time. Never called me any names, but he was loud. Banging the steering wheel. Saying he wished he could send me home early. He apologized later when drunk (he’s a very nice/cuddly drunk).

- Six months later. Ski day. Got frustrated with my son for getting tired and complaining. Yelled at us. Left us on the mountain and skied alone.

- Only a few months later, he slammed a dish into the trash, yelled, then left the room and slammed the door because I was “nagging him” about not cross-contaminating raw chicken (he was touching it, the utensils, and the air fryer without washing his hands). A fairly long argument (raised voices but not shouting) occurred when he came back and I asked WTF that was. Then he stonewalled me for the rest of the night.

- Six months later, right before our Europe trip was the worst. We almost broke up. My son scratched his ear a little after bedtime so he was sleepy, and it was bleeding. I was trying to clean it, and he freaked out. Didn’t want me to touch it. Started crying. My partner came in yelling. Instead of calmly holding my son down or letting me (and doing the cleaning part himself) he grabbed my son and sort of pushed him down on the bed because he was flailing and kicking. Screamed in his face to stop crying and be still. I panicked and froze for a second before screaming for him to stop for about ten seconds before he listened. Then he shouted at me that I made it worse and slapped the first aid supplies out of my hand (hurting my hand in the process).

In the argument that followed, he tried to DARVO me, but I held my ground. I said what happened was a dealbreaker. He said “fine I guess we’re done” and walked out, yelling “FUCK!” loudly before slamming the door. I followed and told him I didn’t mean we had to make any rash decisions, just that if he ever hurt either of us in anger again (even on accident, because I don’t think he meant to) it would be over.

Finally got him to apologize but he seemed to think what happened with my son wasn’t a problem, that sometimes you have to “get physical” with a child that’s freaking out. He compared it to holding him down for a vaccine, which has happened. But I made the distinction that we did that while calm, not angry. He finally agreed, but said he’s going to be “more firm” verbally because I’m “too soft with my gentle parenting.”

I told him it’s okay for one parent to be more firm, but we need to agree on things ahead of time. I asked him to consider anger management classes, but he refused. I asked him to read some parenting articles on authoritative vs authoritarian, but he said he’s too busy. That he agrees our parents shouldn’t have spanked/hit us but yelling is fine.

I’m not perfect, and I have occasionally yelled too. But I always feel terrible and apologize to my son if it happens, and I actively strive to prevent it from ever happening again. He doesn’t think that’s necessary.

Anyway, that was a month ago.

We did go on the trip. It was mostly fine (at times even wonderful) especially while his family was with us, but once they left, he became more impatient with walking places, meal times (my son is a picky eater so that’s another source of conflict), and any time we have to ask him to do things more than once he’s just instantly angry. Not necessarily shouting but he raising his voice a little. Once he threatened to get on the train without us because we were too slow. Of course I called him out. No apology.

I told him it feels like he doesn’t even like me or my son in those moments and that I’m worried my son will start to feel that too. He said we’re fine outside those moments, that he still cares and wants a life with us, and he used our parents as examples. Like even though they yelled and hit us, we still love them and have a decent relationship as adults.

Is he right? He does yell a lot less than my parents or even my exes ever did, and he’s agreed not to spank or “get physical.” But are these moments too much? Especially for my son? Is it emotional abuse?

I’m feeling anxious now, like I have to prevent tantrums not just from my kid but from my partner too. I told him I want to work together and compromise on parenting styles, but so far it seems like most of the compromise is on my end. But I also feel like I’d be foolish to leave him and take away my son’s only chance at having a dad (I’m NOT dating again after this, at least until he’s in high school). And no one is perfect. I’m not a perfect parent (although I am a better one, and I try harder and apologize easier, I have still messed up). I know my son’s childhood will still be far better than mine or my partner’s, so is that enough? Or would I be a bad mother for tolerating this kind of thing?

It would be difficult to leave, but I sometimes miss how peaceful our life was before we moved in with my partner. At the same time, overall I do still think our lives are better. I know we’d be in poverty for the first year if we left now, but I could do it.

so so srry for the long post i need any help possible

i (24f) live with my bf (29m) and we’ve had a rocky relationship but we’ve stupidly stayed and now i can’t afford to live without him financially. there are a lot of things we both do and im wondering if im blowing things out of proportion and this is normal or if im abusing him or if he’s not a very nice boyfriend. for context, ive been physically abused by a partner before and every other relationship has been very healthy but less than a year.

since being with my bf i’ve noticed im now snapping and yelling sometimes during arguments which ive never done before. he also constantly says i didn’t say things i just said or i did say things i didn’t say but im starting to wonder now if im just misremembering things often. im starting to get rlly done with this and will just say “okay” angrily even though i should be keeping in mind our experiences are different and memory is fallible.

i definitely am not a great or easy partner and since moving to our new apartment i’ve brought up breaking up 3 times which i think, looking back, was super manipulative as they were during arguments. i’ve also brought up opening the relationship when i felt like i wasn’t “satisfying” him in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean it but it was so fucked up of me and he probably saw it as me wanting to explore. genuinely rlly horrible i know

ive been really scared of him lately as he yells at me for 5-15 mins without me saying much, has thrown things twice while arguing, punched holes in the wall (not related to us but still scares me), interrupts and won’t let me talk during arguments (just tells me no), and during good moments he made one or two jokes about killing me but they were very jokey (and i told him im not okay with it). because of this, ive been very scared and he gets really mad when im scared or cry. im starting to feel like im manipulating him when i come in super angry to arguments then get scared and cry or shake. i also will stay calm while he yells and he’s said my tone is condescending so im definitely having a very haughty tone.

a huge thing that scares me too is that he gets really mad if i look things up and research to fix our relationship. that feels really off to me.

BUT ive been less okay with all this and ive been really not caring as much during arguments and it’s showing in a mean way (rolling my eyes sometimes, monotone voice, giving up and apologizing out of no where, bringing up past stuff out of no where). rolling of the eyes and bringing up stuff is fucked up ik

even looking at how i worded this it seems very much so like im victimizing myself and not talking enough about what i do wrong. does it sound like im a naturally manipulative person? is this normal?

TLDR; married 8 months to a 23M i've known for 2.5 years and i think i might be experiencing emotional abuse but it's so subtle i can't always tell if i'm crazy or if it's real. basically every fight follows the same pattern, he does something wrong or overreacts to nothing, i react normally, and somehow by the end of it i'm the one who ruined everything and made him feel like he's walking on eggshells. he broke his no smoking promise and turned it into me being controlling. he won't even consider doing anything for our health before ttc and gets mad when i bring it up. he's insanely controlling over what i wear, my hijab, makeup, perfume, and constantly needs my location and approval before i see friends or even my own parents, but then watches other girls on ig, lies about it, gets caught, and still does it again. he loses it if a man even waves at me from across a room but gets to stand shoulder to shoulder with women and calls me crazy for asking him to move. he's $45k in debt and keeps reposting stuff about wives handing over their gold. there was a morning he picked up a knife and asked if he should cut me so i'd have an excuse to miss work and laughed it off like a joke. he gives me silent treatment for days if i break one of his rules, and constantly tells me "you can't do shit, only me." i wrote out a bunch of journal entries too and reading them back they're honestly exhausting, it's just constant walking on eggshells, apologising for things that aren't my fault, and being made to feel crazy for having normal reactions. i just want to know if i'm actually losing it or if this is as bad as it feels.

Hello. I need advice. I honestly don't even know where to start... I will write what I can and hope something coherent comes out.

I think I a being emotionally abused. But it is so subtle sometimes, if you're not in it you wouldn't notice it. You wouldn't understand. I feel like I am going crazy.

I will write out a few situations/ behaviours I actually remember.

I am 23F, working fulltime and studying my Master's full time, and my husband is 23M. We have been married for just over 8 months now, but we have known each other for two years and seven months. There are good moments that are SO good, and then there are a lot of really BAD moments too. I have spent the majority of this relationship crying.

I know there were red flags during our courting period, but I was too attached and blinded by love to leave. I won't discuss any of the events that occurred before marriage because my husband has sworn he has changed and I want clarity on whether my trauma from our dating and engagement period is affecting how I view this marriage, or if it truly is as bad as I feel.

To him, I am always in the wrong. Yet he always says that I flip it and make him out to be in the wrong. An example: One night as we were in bed getting ready to sleep for the night, we were joking around with each other, laughing, and genuinely having a good moment. He asked me to pass him the pillows from the floor on my side of the bed. In that moment, I thought I had seen two of his pillows on his side, so I said "Aren't they on your side?" He said, "Give me the pillows, come on! They're with you." Me: "No, I could have sworn--" He cut me off. He started YELLING "Don't say no to me! Don't you ever say no to me! When I tell you to do something, you do it. Don't talk back to me ever!"

When he yelled, the volume hurt my ears, and I became frightened. I didn't understand how we were laughing one second and then he's yelling the next. I felt extremely vulnerable and anxious, and I did not want to set him off again. So I froze, I went quiet. I handed him the pillows which were on my side. He was right. I was wrong. However the situation did not warrant that type of reaction.

He then proceeded to get mad at me because my mood "flipped for no reason" and I went quiet. He was blaming me for being quiet and saying I'm the one who ruined the mood and you make me sick. So I said "no no I promise nothing happened" and I laughed and continued what we were joking about before he yelled at me and did things to try and make him laugh and carressed his face and kissed him. He was angry-faced the whole time. Called me a liar and to stop "acting". I told him I'm not lying I promise everything is okay. Then he mentioned when I got quiet and froze and said if I was really fine why did I do that to him and show him that I was so pissed off. He said that I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells around me and he can't live his life having to calculate his every move and word and tone of voice as to not trigger me. I said "but that's not what happened" and as I tried to explain to him that I was just startled by his sudden yelling mid-conversation, and that I only went quiet to avoid triggering HIM further and to keep the peace, i started crying because he just wasn't getting it. I was sobbing because he wasn't understanding me and he kept repeating that he didn't yell, didn't even do anything. That I am overdoing it and I am crying for no reason and I am giving him a headache and making his life hard. I went to sleep crying and he tried to 'console' me while still being angry. He was sitting up and mae me lay down. When I tried to sit up because I felt weird he wouldn't let me and said no you stay down and I said well I don't feel comfortable with you angrily towering over me and I am helplessly lying down. Then he scoffed and said "Idk where you get your ideas from. You come up with so mch bullshit in yout head." Anyway to end it short he tried to console me and said he loves me and doesn't want me to cry but this was after 3 hours of me crying and begging him to understand my side and him either flipping the table on me or sarcastically saying "yeah, I'M at fault. I'M always the bad guy. Alright."

He smoked a cigarrette, despite swearing he quit as was discussed before we got married. I got upset. He tried to flip it all on me. He blamed me for my reaction to his action.
Before we got married, we went through this in detail. I told him: even one puff, I’d consider it smoking, and my condition for marriage was that he wouldn’t have even one puff. He was to remove smoking from his life completely, and I made sure I was meticulous about my expectations because I cannot live with a smoker. He had the option to either leave or quit. He agreed to quit. He signed off on it.
Then pne day, I noticed his mouth smelled like smoke. I said, “You smell like smoke.” He said, “Oh yeah, probably because the guys were smoking next to me.” I said, “No, but your mouth smells like smoke.” And then, so casually, he said, “Probably because of the puff I took.”
I shot upright. “Are you serious?” He laughed. Said yeah. Then asked me why I was so shocked, why I was reacting like that.
I was in shock. My heart sped up immediately, I started shaking, and I was heartbroken. He asked why I was making such a big deal out of it. I reminded him, my condition for marriage was that he would never turn back to smoking. Not even a puff. Not even holding one. He agreed. I reiterated it. I told him exactly what I meant and what my expectations were. He agreed.
And now he broke it, and turned it around on me. He said I was overreacting. He said, “What, are you trying to control me? Am I being controlled by your actions? You can’t tell me what to do.” I told him I wasn’t controlling him or telling him what to do. We had an agreement, and he agreed to it. Nobody forced him.
Then he yelled at me: “So what? Is the whole world over? You’re overreacting. It doesn’t need this much. It was just a puff, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t turn back to smoking, you’re overdoing it.” Basically gaslighting me. Which broke my heart even more. He couldn’t even own up to his obvious mistake. He is not a man of his word. He’s a guilt tripper, a manipulator, a liar. I don’t even know if I believe it was really just one puff.
He’s selfish. He can’t take any accountability. Any responsibility for his actions. He only sees himself. All he does is invalidate my emotions and experiences, always telling me I’m overdoing it, that I’m too much.
He tried to make me delete this too when i wrote it in my notes app.

3. I don't want kids and he does, so we agreed to wait 2 years before making a decision to conceive. During this time, I am so scared of getting pregnant, but he always jokes about me becoming pregnant. I tell him to stop but he doesn't. Anyway, that's not the main issue. Anyway when we were discussing pregnancy one day I had mentioned that before we try to conceive we both need to work on our health for at least a year beforehand. Including him, because his health directly affects sperm quality which directly affects my pregancy symptoms and the baby. Not only was he not convinced, but he refused to do research about it and said that "everyone I know eats whatever they want, smokes, and drinks and their wives and kids are perfectly fine." I replied "but you don't know what. Not everybody is telling you exactly what is happening behind closed doors. You might think someone looks fine but internally they may have a wide array of issues." and to that he replied "you can't control what i eat or what I want to do. get these ideas out of your head." and this is a recurring conversation, and each time he gets so angry at the mere thought of me suggesting he follow a particular plan before conceiving.

4. Speaking about control... he is so VERY controlling to ME, not the other way around. I am a hijabi, so I already cover up a lot by CHOICE. However, he drives me crazy by the little things he picks on and the 'rules' he has. If a singular, miniscule, practically invisible ONE strand of hair is poking out, he pesters me to cover it. literally cutting me off mid conversation or whatever I am doing and telling me to cover my hair. He loves to recite a FALSEEE narration saying that if a woman so much as shows just ONE strand of hair to the public, she will be cast into hell and is considered a disbeliever. Like oof, why so dramatic? Anyway, it's a proven false narration there is nothing true about it and because I am educated I KNOW that and it isn't affecting me TOO much. But what IS affecting me is how comfortable it is for him and how confident he is and how much he believes this to be true. He believes so much of this stuff tp be true and is a real misogynist, truly. He is always pestering me to cover my hair even when it is not showing, if even a millimeter of neck shows he gets angry and antsy and tells me to cover it. it is more important to him than anything. he tells me if i wear perfume then I am an adultress. wtf?? and he doesn't allow me to wear makeup, even if it is the simplest, lightest, everyday makeup. He actually once told me to "go out of your way and make yourself look ugly as possible. You're not allowed to look good outside of the house." when we were getting dressed to go to a wedding. And yet when we are at home, he does not go out of his way to make me feel pretty or anything. If I wear makeup in the house he unecessarily 'warns' me not to go out like that, it is forbidden, etc and i tell him i'm not going anywhere it is just in the house he gets mad and says "there is no need to talk back, just say 'okay' and that's it.". I put on perfume when I was spending the day with him at home. When he saw me spraying he yelled STOP! STOP! I said why? I am at home. He said "The smell will cling on to you and when you go out tomorrow you might still smell like perfume and somebody might smell you." God. I am rolling my eyes just remembering but honestly in the moment these little nitpicks are so exhausting. He demands to have my live location and observes me all the time. Despite having my live location, and even set up to recieve a notification when i leave and arrive at the house and when i leave/arrive at my parents house, he still gets mad if i see my parents without informing him, makes a huge deal, gets mad gives me lectures about how he has to know and i have to send him a message beforehand or call him if I want to see my parents. If I ever want to make plans with friends, I have to inform him way ahead of time and get his explicit approval before I even think of confirming plans with anyone. If i ever break any of his rules he gets mad and yells, or gives me silent treatment and stonewalls for days. If a guy greets me on the outside from afar, whether it be a coworker or a cousin or whatever, he loses his shit. I'm talking about someone literally metres away from me briefly waving and saying "Hi, how are you?" And continuing on their way. Once it happened and he started searching for the guy saying things like 'i'm going to destroy his world' and i was so terrified i went to the bathroom to hide and cried in the cubicle and he called me and was angrily trying to get me to come out saying things like "don't make me come in there and break everything here" etc. I could go ON and on with stories but I wont. But i feel so so suffocated by him. I literally have this screamm building up in me i am going to explode i can't deal.

5. He watches naked girls on instagram and the reels from his friends are all girls... and when i ask him about it he lies, gaslights, tells me he doesn't watch when it is literally in his watch history and then when i show him the evidence he makes up different stupid excuses like "I was curious I wanted to see what the page was" and he said he will tell his friends to stop sending but he didnt and when i asked him about it again he said "oh theres no point in telling them to stop sending." and when he liked a girls nakd post i called him out on it and he said it was an accident which i believed so he went to unlike the picture and then in front of me opened her profile and began to SCROLLL through her posts and i said wtf???? why are you opening her profile and again he said he was just curious and i said curious?? what ?? about what?? what is there to be curious about???? and he said "i wanted to see if she only had the one post or many more" and i was so confused and said "what purpose would that serve you? there is no need" and then he snaps at me and says "i'm not cheating! i'm literally just looking and it's right in front of you what could possibly be happening omg!!"
   That reminds me of if I am ever within vicinity of a man or boy he gets all stressed out and tells me to move or tries to get me as far away as possible. Once he got pissed and mad at me for standing in a queue 3 metres BEHIND a man. a man who wasn;t even looking at me. my husband claimed i liked to be close to guys and i don't care about respecting him and keeping away. wtf? also once i was at a check out and i was buying my prescription glasses and the cashier was just checking something for me on the glasses and handing them back so he had held them from one end and giving it to me and i took it from the other end and my husband got mad and jealous saying my finger was too close to his finger, we were almost touching (we weren't) and i am so reckless and i don't think i don't pay attention etc.
   yet whenever we go out he bumps into women, stands right next to them shoulder to shoulder, or sits in a seat right next to them and when i ask him to please swap with me he says oh i didn't even notice her. she isn't attractive anyway why do you think i would cheat on you with her and i tell him i never commented on cheating or attractiveness but just how you are uncomfortable with me being too close to a man i wouldn't really like you brushing shoulders with a woman when there is an alternative and plenty of space to stand beside me instead of her. He scoffed and said it doesn't matter she isn't even attractive i'm not thinking of doing anything to her. I said "would you accept that response from me?" and obv he wouldn't and got angry that i even suggested it.

He also consistently jokes about having women chasing after him, having another wife, the two of us not actually being married and that he wants to be married for real.

he's wracked up a lot of debt approx. $45,000 and reposts posts on insta saying a good woman is defined by.../ gives her husband her gold and money to get him out of debt and so that he can relax etc. i am already going 50/50 with him, giving him half of my paycheck for rent, food, bills, etc. but everything he posts and reposts indicates he has his eyes on my gold and my savings.

7. some excerpts from a journal i was keeping at one point:

9 July, 00:03

He spends his nights wanting me to serve him, whether it's food, sex, or household tasks, expecting me to be at his beck and call. When I ask for help, there's always an excuse. It makes me so frustrated I want to break something, and I'm not usually an angry person.

He woke me to make him food because he was too hungry to sleep, so I did, then cleaned up his crumbs. When I went to the bathroom afterward and couldn't reach the bidet, I called him to bring it to me. He said, "Are you really going to make me get out of bed when I'm covered up and warm just to give you the bidet? No. Get it yourself." I begged. He didn't come. When he heard me crying, he said, "Are you seriously crying now because I didn't get up? You cry over everything." I sat there exhausted while he fell back asleep. I felt so alone.

00:54

He woke up again and yelled asking what I was doing. When I explained I had no toilet paper, he came in furious: "Are you in your right mind? Is this you being stubborn, or stupid? What would you have done if I wasn't home?" He lectured me in the doorway, swearing, before eventually handing me what I needed, not nicely.

17:07

I'd stayed up that night talking to a friend to calm myself down, specifically so I wouldn't come to bed upset and trigger him start a fight, because he can't handle it when I'm upset about something he did and ALWAYS fights me when he sees i am upset. It didn't matter. He was still angry when I came in, and we argued for over an hour instead of him just saying it's okay, come to bed.

Later that day I ran into him at the shopping centre while out with a friend. I waved him over, said goodbye to my friend, just a few seconds, and turned back to find he'd already walked off. He told me I'd "humiliated" him and wouldn't stand for it. He was cold to me the rest of the day.

23:41

I came home from my parents' house to find him ignoring me, telling me to get off him and leave him alone. Then said "Do you need someone to escort you home? Why are you home so late? Since when do your parents stay up that late?" It was 11pm. This brought me to tears. I told him I've barely seen my parents since we got married and it's been hurting them. He kept insisting I was in the wrong, for visiting my own parents.

22:02, 11 July

He went out with friends, came home, ate, was dry with me. We ended up being intimate in a way that he KNOWS i despise and affects my mental health. I always feel so depressed afterwards. it hurts too, and while I was still showering, he left the house. I asked him not to go, then asked him not to be long. He said that was impossible.

02:00, 12 July

Still not home. Five hours out at night. I'm lonely.

06:45, 13 July

Saying goodbye before work, still half in bed, he pulled me out of the hug because my neck was "showing too much." I told him it wasn't, that I could feel my hijab against my throat. He made me stand up, made me lift my chin, again, higher, then said "oh, okay." Nothing was wrong. This kind of thing just wears me down. Why is he so controlling over something like this.

17:32, 15 July

Mid-online-class, he got in the car and accused me of lying about my hijab being loose. "Don't lie to me, no lying." I had to look him in the eyes and repeat myself several times before he'd believe me. Then when I was waiting for help with my bags: "I don't understand your logic, you have no logic." I said, "I'm just a girl, I like to be taken care of." He said, "I'm not a mind reader." I found myself apologizing, sorry, my bad, it's fine, you're right, for wanting help with my bags.

18:08

Desperate to pee, but too scared to ask him to hurry out of the bathroom in case he snaps at me for it.

19:14

Mid-class, cat on my lap, and he asked me to get up and get him a pen and turn on the light, while he sat next to me doing nothing. Why is he so irritating.

07:48, 17 July

Driving to Sydney, my dad asked us to leave early, and he got furious, said it's why he hates people knowing his plans. Later, I made an offhand comment about a stranger and he thought I was joking about him. Once I clarified, he snapped, "I don't know what's wrong with you," in a tone that felt genuinely belittling.

13:25

He mentioned considering steroids. I advised against it.

18:30, 26 July

He initiated sex in a way that only he likes, then left to work on his car. Said he'd be in an area ten minutes away. Two hours later I checked and he was an hour away, past our city and into rural areas. When I called to check up, he yelled that he's "not a kid who has to report everything," and told me I'd ruined his whole mood. I ended the call crying, too drained to keep writing.

He said he wanted to spend the day with me since he was off work but i said oh i'm sorry baby but i have work today there's no chance i can get it off. he said can't you be sick? i said no, sorry, i really can't take a sick day because of [specific obligation] but otherwise i would have loved to spend the day with you.
He then went and I continued to get dressed and then he came back with a big knife. I was startled and said "What's that for...?" and he smiled and said "should i slice your arm open right now?" and i said "wtf why?" and he said "so then you'll actually be sick and forced not to go to work" at this point i was really scared but i tried to keep it light hearted and said "well that wont work because you'll spend the whole day in hospital with me" and he said "don't worry i know how to do it perfectly so that you wouldn't need hospital" scary.

9.

he has this necklace with sentimental value that he always wears and always threatens me with that if i ever damage it he will make my life hell. he will destroy me, ruin me. it's whatever. but then he broke my sentimental gold bracelet and i got worried and while he was inspecting it i asked him to please give it to me and he didnt listen so i asked a few more times until he harshly scoffed and dropped it out of his hands to give it to me and then gave me silent treatment, angry glares, and got mad at me for crying. he said there is no reason to cry, my actions are unjustified and i am behaving poorly. and i said wdym, why are you expecting me not to be upset when you always threaten me if something happens to your necklace. why am i the only one not allowed to be upset? what would you do if this was your necklace instead of my bracelet?
"I would destroy you"
"So why can't i be mad? don't i have the right to 'destroy' as well, if that's what you do?"
he said, as he always says to me in many different scenarios, "you can't do shit. you know you can't do anything. only me" consistently belittling me and instilling a sense of complete helplessness and loss of autonomy.

He is still mad at me because i cried that he broke my bracelet,]. He fixed it, but he reckons i should not be upset or i shouldn't have cried because it was fixable. but i wasnt crying because it wasn't fixable. i was crying because of how he was treating me, all angry etc instead of simply saying don't worry darling, it's an easy fix. its okay.

anyway, so much more has happened but if i tried to write it all i would be here for days and i don't think anyway can read this if i make it any longer. So i'll stop here. these are some recent things and i just want a second opinion and some advice because i feel like i am absolutely losing my mind and going crazyyyy!

I’ve been married for more than 25 years, and I’m reaching a point where I can’t keep pretending everything is normal.

The hardest part for me is that there have also been good times. I love my wife. We have a long history together. That makes it incredibly difficult to reconcile the person I care about with some of the things that have happened in our marriage.

Lately I’ve been looking back at incidents individually instead of treating the last 25+ years as one big blur. When I do that, patterns are becoming harder to ignore: hurtful comments, dismissing my feelings, anger when things don’t go the way she wants, threats about what will happen if I leave, and situations where I feel like my needs simply don’t matter.

I’ve spent years trying to understand her, help her, forgive things, and convince myself that the next conversation might finally make things better.

What has staying in this relationship been doing to me?

I’m not posting because I expect strangers on Reddit to decide whether I should divorce my wife. I know that decision is mine. I’m posting because after more than 25 years, it is incredibly difficult to trust your own perception of what is normal anymore.

For anyone who left a long-term emotionally abusive marriage—especially after decades together—when did you finally accept that it wasn’t going to change?

And how did you get past the guilt, fear, and feeling that walking away meant throwing away your entire adult life?

Is my dad emotionally abusive or am i overreacting? What should i do he makes me feel insane

I apologise for ths lengthy pargraph but i desperately need some advice because im stuck on what to do...

I’m 19 and I’m struggling to work out whether I’m overreacting to my dad’s behaviour. This has been an on-and-off cycle for around 5–6 years.

He can be nice and we can have a good time, but most days there is at least one hurtful comment, criticism or argument. He has called me “heartless,” “selfish,” “a nasty piece of work” and “a fucking idiot,” sometimes over quite small things like disagreeing with him or not reacting enthusiastically enough or him believing me breathing is sighing. He also shouts, swears and interrupts me / talks over me when I try to explain myself and sometimes makes comments about things to purposely annoy me. I often feel anxious and tense around him because im constantly expecting something to happen and when he gets angry he grinds his teeth, visibly shakes, shouts and if he isnt shouting he is giving me an angry look.

What confuses me is that afterwards he can act completely normal or be nice and act like nothing happened, which makes me question whether I caused the argument or whether I’m overreacting.

I’ve explained to him several times that his behaviour hurts me, and things improve for a few days before the same pattern starts again.

Yesterday he had asked me what was wrong so i calmly explained i didnt like how hed been talking to me lately, saying i was heartless, that i was nasty and after cleaning a room in his house he said i only did it for my own benefit and didnt acknowledge my good job till the next day. He didnt remember saying these things and started shouting at me and banging his hands on the steering wheel as he was driving because he said i was lying to him and eventually told me i was gaslighting him. When i tried to explain it did happen he just got more angry, and when i asked why he couldnt apologise or acknowledge that he hurt my feelings he told me i needed to grow up and be less sensitive because as my parent he should be able to criticise me. I then got emotional and he mocked me by fake crying and doing a voice. And then continued to say the only reason i was feeling hurt is because i was sensitive and cant take criticism and that he didnt need to apologise for it. The conversation ended with him saying that he says those things to me because of the way i behave and if i was not like that he wouldnt need too and that hes not going to apologise unless i apologise to him for how i treat him. Which as far as i know and everyone else says i dont do anything

Other family members have also noticed his behaviour and agree that I’m not imagining it. I’m considering seeing him less, but I feel guilty on the days he is nice because he’s my dad and I do love him but i can never properly relax when around him and when he is really angry it is threatning. Am I justified in creating some distance, or do I need to learn to let things go and forgive him?

So I wanna start by saying that I personally don't think I was abused, that said I'm not exactly the best judge of this stuff.

She was my first time, not just having sex but also my first time being treated intimately, snuggles, shushing me to sleep, stroking my hair kind of thing.

She and I both consented to a lot of sub/dom stuff before meeting, that was how we found each other and it was fun, however part of what she would do is dangle that kind of affectionate touch and treatment out of reach and make me go through a gauntlet to get it, as time went on it went from slaps to cuts, she would cauterise the gashes she caused, choke my windpipe including a few times where I was choked unconscious, beaten.

There was also the case of my pre existing scars from earlier in my life, I confided in her about their origin and she was into kind of opening them again to cast my mind back to when I got them, she enjoyed seeing my relive trauma ig. I agreed to all of this, I ask if it was a form of abuse because she refused to be caring and sweet and lovey whatever with me otherwise, every hug and kiss on the forehead was on the other side of a gauntlet of emotional and physical pain, some of which I was into most I was definitely not and did not enjoy.

that said I did grow to like it, I guess I came to associate the pain with the good stuff, so I don't know if it's really abusive behaviour if I enjoyed the co depency it brought about. She made it clear that I didn't really deserve that kind of affection otherwise and I had to agree, it was like a price of admission and she was never obligated to treat me a certain way the same way that I could have left at any time... But idk. It doesn't sound very good when you write it all out.

I want a clear perspective on this before starting up again, from the conversations we've had so far it's gonna be even more extreme this go around from both of us and I don't know if I want to go through everything again just to feel loved, that said this is the only chance I really have, she and I both agree so idrk what to do, I've had a few relationships since and I don't really function in them without being emotionally flayed the way I was with her, something feels like it's missing.

Regardless, was she abusive or no, if so why? I'm pretty sure I made a good case for why not in this post

Sooo me and this guy been hanging as fwb very punctual we see each other every 15-20 days. But this last time changed everything. We normally had sx watch a movie and cuddle. Im not looking for a relationship atm since i believe i still got some shit i gotta heal from so this setting works for now. So this guy knows im diabetic and had a kidney transplant 3 yrs ago. He have seen me inject myself and all that. So this time we were hanging and it was time to take my pills and he said “damn so many pills are u rotten inside or what” and i just couldn’t respond i just kinda was there disassociating tbh. But his words were super ingrained in my brain. And a week later one of ny eyes started bleeding inside the retina docs said maybe was post effect since i had to take some steroids for a month and those fk my sugar and blood pressure, but while i was at the emergency room all i could think was those words. It felts like agony and its been hard to separate the truth but i just keep thinking why am i trying to figure out why he said when i couldnt never say that to someone

Hello. I’m looking for some advice/support/help in deciphering what just happened to me. I am still reeling and feeling extremely low.

This is a long one. So I (26F) met this guy (28M) on Hinge, and we’ve been seeing each other for the past 2 months. We had a great first date and really hit it off. We get along well, share interests and a sense of humor, and align in our values. Everything was AMAZING up until one week ago today. It was actually shocking to me how well it was going (dating is a struggle as I’m sure most of you know), and I remember telling him at least twice that I was surprised he was single and I was so glad I found him. We’ve gone on lots of dates including two dates with my friends which I thought was a great sign. One of them was a wine bar with my best friend and her boyfriend, and the other was an MLB game with 2 of my close friends and their boyfriends. All of my friends really liked him as well. He also loves my 2 cats (B and Chai). Lately he’s been coming over and we watched a miniseries together as well as several movies. He’s brought me thoughtful little gifts too including a bottle of my favorite wine, movie theater popcorn, my favorite candy, and a blind box which I thought was SO sweet because it showed he was really listening to me (I told him I love vanillamace and her blind boxes and that I was looking for a cute bag charm for one of my purses). The only “red” flags I had noticed (“red” in quotations because I genuinely didn’t find them that bad) were that after our first date he didn’t text me back for a while and I thought he was ghosting me but he did end up responding and it was so early on that I thought I was overreacting. The only other one was that he couldn’t stay hard while we were hooking up and he never finished. I asked him if that was a common thing for him and he said yes and that it’s frustrating. I didn’t push him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. He apologized, but I wasn’t upset/didn’t blame him because I didn’t think he could help it. So not that that’s even a red flag, just something a little off that I noticed.

Fast forward to the breakdown of this relationship. We last hung out a little over a week ago when he came over to my apartment and we watched a movie (Obsession, which we had both been really wanting to watch and both loved) and then he stayed the night. The next day he hung out until about 1pm which I thought was a good sign because he didn’t want to rush out the door. I work in an elementary school and was going back to work last week starting Wednesday, so I told him that things were going to be very busy for me but I could see him the following day or the next weekend because I was going out of the town this past weekend. He said maybe about the following day and then left. I texted him the following day asking if he wanted to hangout and he said he forgot it was a friend’s birthday and he would have to rain check. I said no worries, to have a good time, and that I missed him. Following this message, I didn’t hear from him for 6 days straight which was very odd because ever since that incident after the first date we had been texting nearly every day consistently. As the week went on, I grew more and more anxious each day I didn’t hear from him as I started back at work, had a work meeting that I was very very stressed about, and traveled to a city 6 hours away all while not hearing a word from him (while also getting a notification that he was active on TikTok so I knew he was on his phone). For added context, my work has been EXTREMELY stressful, last year was my first year out of grad school working as an SLP in an elementary school and it was honestly the worst year of my life. I started going to therapy for severe anxiety as last year was somewhat traumatic for me. I had an extremely inflated caseload and worked around the clock (nights, weekends, and breaks) to keep up. I had explained all of this to him, even cried to him over it and he was very supportive and kind. I told him I was very nervous about going back to work and that I would likely be very busy but I still wanted to make as much time for him as I could because I really liked him. As a result, I found it very off that he didn’t check on me when I went back to work.

I finally texted him on the last night of my trip as I was literally going crazy. I texted him “Hey is everything ok?” and got this response:

“I’m so sorry I’ve been distant. There’s something I never told you, Mandie, and I think you deserve to know because it’s a big part of why I feel like I have to do this. For the past two years, I’ve been dealing with a lot internally. I’ve been on five different antidepressant and anxiety medications trying to find something that helps, and throughout all of this I’ve struggled with dissociation and derealization.

For me, it’s hard to even explain what that feels like. I don’t always feel like I’m fully present in my own life. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it genuinely doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. It’s like I’m watching my life from the outside or going through everything on autopilot. My emotions can feel dulled too. Things that should make me really happy or really sad sometimes just don’t reach me the way they normally would. I know I’m feeling things somewhere inside, but I don’t always feel connected to them.

I’ve tried so hard to feel normal again, and I’m still trying. But the truth is, I don’t feel like myself right now. And as much as I care about you, I’ve realized that I’m not able to give you my full self. You deserve to be loved by someone who can be completely present, emotionally available, and able to give you everything they have. I don’t want to give you only part of me while pretending that I’m okay.

None of this is because you did something wrong. You’ve been so incredibly good to me, and that honestly makes this even harder. I care about you more than I can properly put into words, and I hate that I have to let you go when the last thing I want is to hurt you. I love spending time with you and B and Chai. Allowing me into your home and getting to meet your friends.

I just need to take a step back and figure myself out. I need to work on becoming myself again before I can honestly give someone the kind of love and relationship they deserve. You mean so much to me, Mandie, and I hope you never think that ending this means I stopped caring. I care about you deeply. I just know that right now, caring about you also means being honest enough to admit that I’m not capable of giving you all of me. 💛”

He sent me this response around 11:30pm. I was with friends and didn’t want to become emotional so I didn’t initially read the message and planned to read it before I went to sleep. When I finally read it, I was very sad because I didn’t want things to end but I also had a tiny bit of hope because I had not been fully transparent yet about my struggles with severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation the previous year as well as losing my alcoholic dad at age 19. I thought I could explain this to him and offer him support and grace. However, when I woke up he had sent me another message at 3:50am (which was uncharacteristic for him, we have never texted that late before):

“The true honest reason I stopped talking to you is because I met someone and I’m in love and she’s my girlfriend now”

After reading this, I felt EXTREMELY hurt and depressed. I texted him expressing my confusion about the direct opposition between the two texts and called him but I have received no response. However, my calls will not ring/go through but my texts are blue and delivered. So I believe I may be blocked but I am not sure. He did block me on Instagram and TikTok, the only 2 social media platforms we had shared with each other. I cried the entire day yesterday including the 6 hour drive back to my city and just generally felt extremely depressed and sick. I REALLY liked this guy.

Right now my mom is visiting me from 2 hours away because my mental health is so terrible. I still have to work however and I’m really struggling. I can’t believe he would do this to me right as I am returning to work. It feels like he’s kicking me when I’m down, and I think this is the lowest I’ve ever been in my life (and my life has not been easy). Looking for any help/advice/thoughts to get through this extremely difficult time. Thank you for reading!

TL;DR: I (26F) was seeing a guy (28M) from Hinge for 2 months and it was going very well. He randomly ghosted me for a week then sent a long message about how he’s experienced severe anxiety/depression and has been on several medications for it and thus is not ready for a relationship. A few hours after sending this message he told me the real reason he stopped talking to me was because he met someone else and is in love and they are now boyfriend/girlfriend. He then blocked me everywhere. I am shocked and feeling extremely devastated.

I am ashamed to admit it but I have sent my ex partner NOVELS explaining why what he did was wrong and listed example after example of why him mistreating me was actually him mistreating me and not just “in my head” or “my perspective”. I don’t really feel bad for him, but I do feel bad for me because this cycle has been going on for almost a year now.. anyone else feel this way?

I (37, F) posted here a few months ago after my boyfriend (49, M) exploded because I looked at him for too long when I was worried about him. Everyone told me to leave. I wasn’t ready then.

We’d been together just over a year. When things were good they were amazing: chemistry, travel, sex, affection, future plans, I became close to his small child. But he has a horrible temper and would go from 0-100 over tiny things: shouting, swearing, telling me to f off/get out, mocking me, slamming things, punching himself in the head, then later apologising but still blaming stress, weed, grief, me “pushing” him, etc.

I left once, the pain was enormous. The domestic abuse helpline confirmed it's abuse and he could be dangerous. So I put all my stuff in storage whilst he was at work. I then went back after he admitted his behaviour was abusive and promised therapy/change. But I kept my belongings in storage because I didn’t fully trust him. I always had horrible anxiety. Things got better for a couple of weeks, then got worse than before. It's like he was poking me to get a strong reaction so he could blame me. I did some research and recognised he frequently used darvo, stonewalling and gaslighting. 

He kept talking about his birthday and how he couldn't wait to organise something, so I was surprised when he forgot mine. He only got me a mug and paid for dinner once I reminded him. He blamed me for not reminding him. Then his dad passed away. I was there and I supported him as usual. He had been saying how he couldn't wait for him to die and how he was looking forward to inheriting a lot of money because his dad didn't appreciate him. 

We came to Italy, where I’m from. I introduced him to my family. They loved him, gave us places to stay for free, paid for meals. After two lovely days, he exploded because I needed a bit of time to deal with an important work email before we left. He shouted about why I was on my "f'ing phone" (he's addicted to his phone, I'm barely on mine), complained we were wasting his holiday he had paid so much for, then while driving he went the wrong way, nearly crashed, clipped a parked car mirror and started screaming. He called me a cunt, said “fuck your family” then tried to take it back, punched himself in the head again and kept blaming me, his dad’s death and quitting weed. I recorded the conversation on my phone just in case but he doesn't know.

Something just clicked. I made him drive back, took my bags and left. I offered him the keys to the house but he refused. He was mostly upset because "you're embarrassing me in front of your family". Not once did he express empathy towards my feelings. All about appearances. I think he might be a true narcissist. 

Since then he’s become coercive and threatening about the rest of my belongings in London. He’s said I’m not allowed back into the house despite me having paid rent until the end of the month, talked about “karma”, said he’d make me as unhappy as I made him, said I had “no choice” about him handling my stuff and even said he could throw it out if he wanted. He said his next girlfriend won't make him so angry because she won't be as annoying at me. That the only thing I gave him was a headache. It's not true, I have him everything. I stayed through his back operation that could have left him paralysed, morphine addiction, child custody drama, bereavement, financial crisis, erectile dysfunction. He doesn't see any of this. He says I'm a horrible woman for dumping him on holiday a week after his dad's death. He doesn't care that my own dad is ill with cancer again and his behaviour has been enormously hurtful and ungrateful. Then he flips back to saying he loves me and wants to talk.

My constant anxiety has lifted massively since leaving. It comes back when he contacted me, then drops again. I'll miss his kid, the good times, being around motorbikes (I'll start riding myself when I'm ready but not now). But this is who he truly is. I wish I could warn others who think he's popular and a great guy.

I’ve blocked him everywhere now.

It was so hurtful to realise he genuinely only has fake empathy and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Him disrespecting my family shook me so much. I can't believe I put up with all of this and much much more. I'm worried about collecting my belongings now, I don't think I should go alone. 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? 

TL;DR: I went back after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship because he admitted the abuse and promised to change. He didn’t. He exploded again in my home country after my family welcomed him, frightened me in the car, insulted me and my family, and blamed me. I left. He’s now being coercive and threatening about my belongings. I’ve blocked him and my anxiety has dropped dramatically.

I’ve posted in here a few times and now, my husband and I are currently separated after 3 years of mistreatment and abuse from him. He told me repeatedly when we were dating (there were already red flags then) and since we’ve been married that he is who he is and he is not going to change. Especially not for me. When a man tells you who he is, believe him.

It has been so peaceful and such a relief to not have to be in the same house as him. We are separated until September and then I will likely be leaving because he clearly has no intention of changing. Which I know before marrying him but believed in his potential to change, as I’m sure many others have. He’s already gone off on me two more times since we separated. Once on the phone and once over text.

For some context, he decided to quit his job and do Uber in a car with a failing transmission a month after I had my baby. I am a stay at home mom now and strongly advised against doing Uber in a failing car because it would only lead to us needing a car sooner and we didn’t and still don’t have the money for a new car. He didn’t give a crap about what I had to say and sure enough, the transmission is struggling even more now and he wants me to take out a 10k-11k car loan in MY name while we are separated so he can keep doing Uber. I said no and he basically had a meltdown. He has a terrible track record financially and we are already barely scraping by. I’m not going to put my credit on the line if we are potentially divorcing which would leave me solely responsible for the loan.

Here are some things he has said to me since we’ve been separated and after I told him no on the car loan. Are these abusive? Manipulative?
- “You don’t get to tell ME no.”
- When I told him I don’t want to take out a loan in my name in our current circumstances: “You came in with a 3k beater and >5k debt. You’re unwilling to put any skin in the game as far as a car.” When in fact, I paid cash for my car, it got totaled by a deer after we were married, we got 3k from it and my husband decided to put that 3k into his truck for a brand new engine when he could have got a used one for free. He also had over $50,000 of debt coming into our marriage and still doesn’t own his truck.
- When I said no to the loan and told him I have no income to put on an application and they wanted to see my own income last time I applied for a car loan: “Ok you know best. Apparently. I don’t know shit. Just a dumbass 53 year old with no experience. Whatever. You don’t and won’t trust me. I’m used to it.”
- Because I mentioned our separation and unsure future and he was trying to manipulate me into telling him I want to leave: “I’ll tell you where I stand. I don’t feel any love from you or hope or real desire to make this better and make it work. I know what your parameters are for this marriage. I understand I have to change but I have bad news for you. I’m 53 and I’ve been through all the shit like this and worse. I am who I am. I try my best. It’s not enough for anyone and I accept that.”
All of this because I said I don’t want to take out a car loan because we are separated and (I didn’t say this to him) I’m not willing to protect him from the natural consequences of his own actions anymore. His Mom has given him over $30,000 over the last year and a half to bail him out of financial crises he was in as a result of his own action.

I told him clearly that I won’t come back unless he can treat me right and he tells me outright that he can’t/won’t change and continues to treat me poorly and then tries to say I’m the one who doesn’t love him and I don’t want to make our marriage better.

Has anyone else experience this kind of projection/manipulative behavior? What happens to you when you say no and don’t do what they want?

Hi all. I just wanted to take a minute to write a quick post hoping that it could maybe inspire other people out there who found themselves in a similar situation.

I (32F) left my abusive husband (34M) three months ago now. I had long suspected our relationship was abusive but some how always managed to excuse his behaviour. He had a rough childhood. He struggles with anger. He struggled with emotional regulation. He’s tired. He’s unwell.
In the span of our 7 year relationship / 1 year marriage, he had called me disgusting names, humiliated me consistently, mentally tormented me, physically removed me from our home, thrown items at me, wrestled me for my phone, dragged me through our home and then finally he hit me. It was always going to come. I read back my Reddit posts from then and I wish I could go back and drag her out of there.

We were lying in bed. He was restless which was making me restless. I turned over, my hand brushing his face and he explodes. He grabs my face and throws it around, slaps me and then kicks me. Because I disturbed his sleep. I knew and that moment I had to go.
The next five months I planned my exit. I viewed properties, I pulled together documents and records, spoke to a solicitor. Felt like I had everything lined up.
I tried leaving four times before I actually did. I left after we had a somewhat civil conversation about separation. We agreed I would move to my mums and he would stay in the flat and we would share access to our dogs.
For the last time, I believed him.
He stopped access to our dogs and instructed his solicitor that me being in their lives is detrimental.
The mental healing from the dog issue has been more substantial than the relationship itself. Now that I’m on the outside I can it for exactly what it was.

If you are out there, asking the same questions I was asking, your relationship is making you feel bad about yourself, you’re managing your partners moods - listen to your gut. The single most important bit of advice I would give from this whole journey is always listen to your instincts.
I knew from about four weeks into dating that he had a cruel streak - that should’ve been enough.

I’m now three months out, and I am still heartbroken over my dogs. I have to terms with the fact I will probably not see them anytime soon, if ever. For everything he was, I know he will love those dogs. Even with that, I do not regret leaving. There hasn’t been a single day where, at the end of it, I have wanted to go back.
Healing is a rollercoaster as cliched as that sounds, but there have definitely been moments when I’ve thought about putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Questioning whether I was valid to uproot my entire life and it would’ve bene easier if I just continued to overlook it. I’ve made a rule with myself to wait 24 hours before acting on any feelings. Which has really helped, as they have usually passed by that point and I’m still firm in my decision.
I have a level of happiness and freedom I had forgot existed. Life is beautiful and should be enjoyed to its fullest and living in that dynamic was not full nor fulfilling.

I’m so excited for the future for the first time in years. I know il will have down days, but I also know this was the best decision I could’ve made.

Send me a message if you need support. 🫶🏻

Long story short, I have been getting emotionally abused by my boyfriend/baby daddy (now ex) for over two years. I have audio,video, text records of the abuse and him acting aggressively while intoxicated. He also has had a previous DV, been intoxicated in a public street while driving recklessly, and record for refusing to leave a private property while intoxicated. He has wished death upon me several times that I also saved in texts. I am in complete distress over this whole situation cause he wants 50/50 custody of my five month old. I am from Phoenix Arizona and had dropped everything to move to California because he said he would take care of us. That backfired immensely to the point where his abuse turned physical on July 15, 2026. I have been wanting to move back to Arizona to start over fresh with my daughter and now we are in a court battle between a few issues. Yes, I have a temporary restraining order on him and I feel like it’s going to get dismissed by the next court hearing because I had a family member pass away recently and I called him in distress to beg him to let me do what’s best for my daughter and I. I know I fucked up here and I am devastated I let my emotions get the best of me.
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Please no judgment just need positive advice
Thank you

I feel like I'm constantly cycling through anger, denial, missing him, and confusion. I keep having conversations with him in my head explaining to him why his behaviour was abusive and I am so tired of it. I want to move on. I can't. Last week I was missing him so much, literally craving him. At the same time, I know I won't and can never go back. I don't trust him, he is not safe. I know this. I know it's not my fault, but I've also had times recently where I feel like I've made a mountain out of a molehill. I know I haven't, but there is this instinct in me to protect him and take care of him still. I've looked back over old messages to remind myself of WHY I had to end things. I don't know, maybe I'm just lonely. I remember when we'd overcome arguments etc and I'd feel so euphoric. I don't get to have closure because he will never truly understand that he was abusive. I know I have to create my own closure. Like, I know I am stuck in this trauma bond but how the hell do I move through it and move on.

I decided to go no-contact two weeks ago. I know it's for my own good and I won't ever go back to him but this weekend felt pretty lonely, how I have no idea how he is doing (he is still trying to convince my family so I suppose okay) but just the big and small things we used to share about each other's day. I ended things pretty much all of a sudden in a sense that he wasn't expecting it, neither was I cause I never thought i would have the courage to walk away and my family practically forced me (which I am glad) but it's hard.

I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments.

I was getting ready for work and he had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.

So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?

Hey guys, throwaway account for safety reasons.

I am wondering if what I have been experiencing is abuse.

For starters, I am a SAHM with no access to my husband's bank account. When I brought this issue up, I was told that he didn't want to wake up one day and his bank account is drained to zero and I've moved across the country with my kid. I've never threatened this, but I had expressed that I didn't know the state of our marriage a few months prior. Nothing's changed. All of our accounts are separate and I currently don't have an income. He pays for the bills and any groceries, etc. but I don't know what's in his account or what comes in and out.

Furthermore, I have a mental illness that he has used to try and have me question my memories of different arguments we've had. He claims that's not his intent, but I would argue that "are you sure that happened? You have (blank) mental illness so..." is an attempt at having me question my own memory.

I have tons of familial support back home, but we moved across the country to be closer to his family a few years back and I view it as an attempt to isolate me. We made this move shortly after a mental health crisis and moved only two weeks after I came out of the psych hospital.

My therapist brought up emotional abuse in one of our sessions and over the next few months I felt like that's what I was experiencing but I am just not sure. I want out of this marriage, and am just looking for some support/assurance that I'm not crazy.