An I the problem or is this emotional abuse?
My boyfriend is great - he is very kind, takes care of me, we are best friends. Have been together for two years.
When we met, we met at a random bar, he was talking to me first, but then my best friend came over and he started talking to her/hitting on her instead. She rejected him, and instead told him that I was actually interested and then he started talking to me and that’s how our relationship formed. When I shared with him that my best friend had told me he was hitting on her, he told me he doesn’t remember that happening and shut down the conversation completely. I know it’s not a big deal, we didn’t know each other at the time, but I was worried about starting a relationship with him due to this and honestly, it made me feel second best. I tried to express this to him, but he tells me he doesn’t remember telling her that, then stone walls me.
I am trying to let it go because I know it’s not a big deal, but he does do other things that make me feel a little bad. We’ve been mid-conversation at grocery stores before and he has completely turned his head to check a girl out - head to toe. I understand people still think others are attractive, but it felt bad because we were mid-conversation. He told me that I was being insecure when I shared that this upset me. I am trying to express my emotions, and he is kind, but the sentiment is that I am being insecure. If I try to re-have this conversation, because I feel like it has never been resolved, his response is that it barely happened & that it didn’t happen while we were in the middle of a conversation.
Other times, we have been out and he’s stared at women in bathing suits right in front of me, looked down as he’s walking past women in leggings and looked out of the corner of his eye to see their ass, looked in the mirror as a girl is passing to look at her ass, he has smiled at random women in restaurants, looked behind me to look at a woman’s ass. It’s not very discreet. I share with him that this makes me feel bad, but he refuses to talk about it. He will start screaming at me in some cases, refuse to talk to me for hours, or he will threaten our relationship. He says he is not looking at other women and it’s in my head. In some cases, he has screamed at me for bringing it up, then hit objects right next to me or in front of me. I am not worried he will cheat on me, but it feels disrespectful. I don’t even stare at other men or smile at them when I’m alone or with my friends, so I don’t understand why he would be doing it with me right next to him.
I understand people look at other people all of the time. I am not sure where to go next, because I have seen it so many times, I’m not confident it’s “in my head” anymore and I’m not really sure what else it could be nor why he would threaten our relationship if I truly wasn’t seeing what I am seeing. I am also not sure why he would be hitting things right next to me if he was actually doing it.
In other situations, he has screamed at me in front of his friends and at a national park because I brought up something I was annoyed with him about. He says we both should have been exercising more so I could have been dealing with my anxiety and the problem wouldn’t have happened. I feel insulted by this, but am wondering if there is truth to it. He has screamed at me for being upset about not being invited to a wedding (that at the time, we were both under the understanding the bride to be was a friend of his exes.) I had gotten upset with him for things like leaving my friend’s birthday early to be with his friends and he then called me crying, telling me that I was being toxic. Which he now refuses to acknowledge and now says the reason for the problem was on his friend.
His friends will make jokes about my culture, which upsets me because I’m the only one in the group during those times of my skin color. I bring it up to him & he says that I’m overreacting because outside of those instances, I’m the majority. The jokes have me leaving these interactions asking if I’m even welcome there.
In terms of the screaming at me, he completely denies it ever happens, says it has only happened twice & then claims once was in response to my “hitting him” (which never happened and is also confusing for me..) If I try to talk about it, he won’t tell me what he means it’s only happened twice - we were both present every time so I’m not sure if it’s maybe a misunderstanding of how loud he needs to be yelling in order for it to be considered yelling? I know this sounds dumb, but I don’t understand how he could lie about something I was there with him as he was doing so I’m trying to make it make sense?
The situation has gotten to the point where I feel physically ill. I have had to leave situations where I’m with him because I’ll start to feel myself having a panic attack. I’ve had these in bar bathrooms after he’s smiling at random women, or will need to go outside to whatever venue we’re at to be alone and to not cause a scene. He is otherwise very good to his friends, he is honest in most other situations and seems to have empathy for me in other struggles that I deal with. We do everything together and he is my best friend. I just want this to workout but I’m starting to feel crazy. I am trying really hard to control how my body is reacting, but I’m having a difficult time and just want to make sense of what’s happening