r/trauma

My brother is 10 years older than me. And in this situation I would’ve been 5-7 and he was 15-17.
Me and my little brother were sleeping in his room. This was a privilege because he never let anyone in his room. My little brother was asleep and I was awake. My older brother was awake too and told me he couldn’t sleep. He asked me to play truth or dare and being a little kid I said yes. First true dares were harmless and then I couldn’t think of a dare. He said “I dare you to dare me to show you my d!ck” I said no because I felt uncomfortable. And then he said he was showing it but I closed my eyes. Then he tried to dare me to show him my vag!na and I said no. I was uncomfortable and decided to leave his room and as I was walking out he told me not to tell our mom.
I feel like I’m crazy but like idk he’s done and said other weird stuff to me as I got older and I always felt uncomfortable and he said I’m being manipulative when I get uncomfortable.

Je vais raconter ici ce qui ce passe dans ma vie j ai personne a qui en parler donc voilà voilà

Je suis totalement perdu actuellement j ai 23 ans ma mère est décédée il ya peu j ai plus une thune je dors plus je mange plus ma meuf m’a trompé

Ducoup je me retrouve tout seul sans ami en période compliquée j hésite même a me foutre en l air j’pense que ça arrangerait les choses pour de bon

J ai eu une enfance de merde mon père complètement cinglée qui violait ma mère qui essayais de se suicider devant moi

J ai fini en foyer à 15 ans parce que j avais fugué parce que je me battais avec mon beau père qui m empêchais de manger et me punissais en me frappant et en m enfermant dans le noir
Par ailleurs il a même tuer mon chien de ses propre mains dans la pièce à côté de ma chambre

En rentrant du foyer ma mère a eu un cancer j ai lâcher mes études pck j arrivais pas

Il ya deux mois ma maman est décédé de ce ptn de cancer je n ai pas pu lui dire au revoir je m en veux terriblement
Tout les jours je pleure je ne mange plus je dors plus je vais mal
Pendant cette période de deuil ma meuf a flirté avec un mec j ai donc pete un cable pris mes affaires et mtn jsuis quasi sdf je sais plus quoi faire je vais terriblement mal jamais j aurais penser tomber aussi bas dans ma misérable vie je pense que aujourd’hui sera le dernier jours de celle si car je souffre trop je vous jure c est atroce
Je m excuse pour les personnes sensible qui verront se message bref en résumé j ai perdu ma mère ma femme mon taff tout tout ….
J ai toujours pensé que les gens qui ne voulais plus vivre etaient faible . Je m’en excuse j avais tort vous imaginez pas a quel points jsuis a deux doigts de prendre un rasoir et de me trancher la gorge au moins j aurais plus toute cette peine
Je suis désolé maman je n’y arrive plus désolé
Je suis perdu AHHHHHH

There was an incident where she kinda blacked out on me when I was 12 years old because she went through my phone and found out I was talking to a boy. She beat me for minutes with a wooden spatula and said word for word “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” When I tried to push her off me and screamed at her to stop she just got more mad and kept going.

I am now 25 years old and still will never ever forget that incident. I will never forget how cold and cruel she was to me that afternoon. I will never forgive my father for enabling it too and just standing there watching me cry.
I literally felt my entire brain rewire and my nervous system change that day. It was that day I realized, I didn’t have an actual mother. I still remember the sore bruises I got from the beating. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I showed my teachers the bruises the next day. But there were no adults I trusted at the time. She’s lucky I never showed them.

I know for sure the mental issues I have is mostly because of her and my father’s abuse towards me during my entire childhood.

She doesn’t actively abuse me physically anymore. She claims she’s changed and didn’t know any better. (We’re African. She likes to use the “it’s our culture. My parents abused me too so it’s okay.” Excuse)

But I don’t care. She tries to make up for the abuse but there is nothing she can do to change what she did to me. I don’t care that she supports me financially. I will always see her as the monster that violated her own child because she had no control over her emotions.

If you do take the time to read this rant, I thank you for your time. For awareness, I have a Traumatic Brain Injury so there’s a lot of emotion, a lot of confusion, a lot of self awareness, and a lot of suppression because there’s nothing that can really be done. So I come here to anonymously vent, rant, journal, and not feel so absolutely alone or like a failure to my children.

I was in a relationship for 9 years, 6 married. Most non traditional relationship meeting in Plenty of Fish when I was out of state for work. Met ex wife while on work trip. Spent a month together, unbeknownst she was actually homeless coming from a very abusive livelihood since birth. Until meeting some gentleman from across the country.

Last days being there I was assaulted and essentially killed, no pulse nor breath. When brought back and taken to the hospital I had 6 skull fractures, 13 brain bleeds, a 30 degree axial shift to the right, I was a level 3 on the Glasgow Coma Scale.

I was in a medically induced coma for a week and a half, flown to in hospital for a month and a half, flown to another for another month and a half, then spent about 5 months in rehab.

During this time the of recovery I found out someone I hardly remembered was potentially carrying my baby. With this we made a plan to make such a terrible situation good and a month after the baby was born we all became a family. I can admittedly say that I had some electronic infidelities in the beginning of the relationship. I was not having my own needs met and still didn’t know who I was given the fact I just started a whole new life as a dad, a partner, and a TBI survivor.

So please in no way was I a saint at the beginning. As time went on family realized things weren’t going well as I was directed to distance myself from all family and friends as no one could be trusted. I was always made to feel I wasn’t enough or wasn’t doing things to her standard. How consistent these things would come up and when I would question, the arguments would start. So my response was to “sit down shut up and do as I’m told.”

The consistent mental abuse resulted in an attempted suicide. Time was spent in a psych ward and upon return the mental abuse continued. Until it was recommended by a mental professional (counselor) to take some time to myself and spend time with family, which was agreed upon by the now ex wife.

Still being married and not getting the space as mental abuse continued states apart it was determined a divorce was necessary. Not even 2 months after separation I am met with my 8 year old, after spending the day with my 2 year old so their mother could go out for her birthday with the oldest for the day. I am met and told how much he, her and another man had fun going to Dave and Busters for the day.

I intently listened to him as that’s my job, my little boy has done nothing wrong so I encourage him and listen with my whole heart while dying inside. She takes the little one puts him in the car seat and comes back and says “okay give your goodbyes” then looks at me and says “oh by the way watch for rattle snakes they’re really bad ‘insert guys name here’ dogs were bitten and died”

She gave direct instructions shortly after separation that if I were ever to start seeing someone I had to let her know because that will affect the children. But rules do not apply to a narcissist who blames me for hanging myself as a result of her incessant verbal mental abuse.

I can go on and on and on but I am stuck. I am angry, I am hurt, I am sad, I am disgusted, I am just lost. I am alone and trying to pick up the pieces that still exist of myself, rediscover myself but have never felt so absolutely alone. While she is out living her best life.

Rant over. Thank you for listening if you get here. I appreciate you.

I feel like I know the answer, but I’ve been ruminating for way too long and honestly crave someone else’s perspective. Google says she was but that validation’s kinda impersonal and the AI nonsense doesn’t help.
Anyway. I’m a 20 year old woman now, but all of my separate sexual trauma has been haunting me for the past week or so. More than the baseline. It’s annoying. It has me considering my wretched mother too. Most of my issues with her are emotional- her clear resentment of me, the scapegoating, the hitting, the neglect, the whole shebang. I’ve been thinking back on the sexual stuff too.
I have memories from the ages of 8-14 of her groping and squeezing my backside. Fondling? It was a habit, almost. I also remember tearing up and begging her to stop. And her maniacal laughter. I forgot what her justification was, if there was any.
From my understanding, she’d primarily do this when there weren’t any other people around. She wouldn’t lead me to her bed or anything- remember being in the kitchen so many times and her popping up behind me. Micromanaging what I was cooking or planning on eating or even yapping about how much I resembled a grandmother with my hair in a low ponytail like that as per usual. All of a sudden, she’d just reach down and squeeze my backside. Like it was some kind of joke. Often with random comments attached that I can’t remember.
This went on for years. I don’t think anyone her. She’d also make weird comments (once remarked that my red underwear was visible through my lighter pajamas and strangely, my father actually told her to stop). IDK whether he was aware of the constant groping or not. She also once said I’d make a lot of men happy one day when I happened to be kneeling on the counter cleaning something. I was fourteen at most.
I guess I came on here to ask if this qualifies as molestation. Again, I’m pretty sure I know the answer, but I long to hear it from a human being.
Sorry for rambling. One more thing before I finally end this ridiculously long ask: I’m considering pursuing criminal charges.
Not right now; in a couple years. Apparently, the state of NY has extended the window for survivors of child sexual abuse to report it. Suing her would likely be easier but I want her in jail.
According to the minimal research I’ve done, it’s possible that what she did could be prosecuted as a Class B felony. Up to 25 years in prison plus sex offender registry.
The consequences of this would extend far beyond the court-ordered ones, so I will have to think about how that’ll pan out as well. I do have a little sister to worry about too.
Again, sorry for rambling. I think I’m just trying to make sure Google was actually right.

Three months ago I was sexually assaulted. For the first two months or so I felt more traumatized by it and had ptsd-like symptoms, but now I feel mostly desensitized to it. I can think/talk about it without getting upset and I don’t really have ptsd-like symptoms from it anymore. I think the reason I’m desensitized is because I joke about it excessively and I was so drunk when it happened that it’s a fuzzy memory. However, I still think about how I wanna fight the guy and have internalized victim blaming.

Is it possible that I processed it or does this just mean that it’s very unprocessed?

Content warning: Suicide

I lived a very fucking sad life for years and years that felt like a constant cycle of me losing the friends I had because I fucked up one way or another. A few months ago, I finally made some really close friends that I felt I really managed to bond with. I had never had friends like them before. I had a trip planned with them and some other mutual friends, the first real trip I'd ever taken by myself, and it was really exciting for me. I was at a point where I could finally be happy, really.

It went a bit past friendship. There was some fairly intense flirting involved and plans of sexual things happening during this trip and it was exciting. Everything felt natural and I was really enjoying it all and then I monumentally fucked it up.

Right after the trip I got a text informing of all the ways I'd fucked up and upset my friends. The room started spinning and I could barely think. I tried to apologize and make it right but the damage was already done. I had good intentions but it didn't matter. I'd hurt my friends despite them. I resigned to kill myself because I did not believe I could handle losing these friends too. I, eventually, stopped and was taken to a hospital by a police officer. I spent a day in the ER before being transfered to a psychiatric facility. I, obviously, did not have my phone for the duration of my stay there, and it made me highly optimistic. I knew I had fucked up, but I realized and learned a lot about myself during that timeframe.

I learned that I have some truly terrible narcissistic tendencies that run far deeper than I could've thought. I was diagnosed with psychotic symptoms from my mental disorders that distorted my view of those around me and myself. I was given a medication to take as needed that cleared my head substantially and allowed me to actually sit down and think about my situation and my actions and how poorly I treated those around me on a daily basis. Things started making sense and I had a path forward towards recovery and being the good person I knew I could be. Not to say that I'm a bad person as it stands, I'm not qualified to make any such judgements about morality. But I could be a better person. I got discharged and was excited to begin a new chapter of my life.

When I got out, I immediately learned that I had been banned from all mutual spaces I shared with those friends for sexual harassment. There is zero doubt in my mind that I did what I'm being accused of. They're good people. They wouldn't lie about something like that. I don't have any understanding of what I did that crossed a line, but I know something did.

I have therapy scheduled in a few days. I'm back on anti-depressants. The facility used grant money to guarantee me free therapy for a year, as well as getting me extremely cheap health insurance, and even covering my ER stay. I left with the confidence to speed up my plans to move out and, finally, be as blunt as I've always needed to be with my abusive and controlling parents. I told them to their face that I spent 20 years of my life with constant fear and anxiety about everything I did and that it was time for me to go. I looked at apartments today, even called a few places. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, not even just right now.

I had more opportunity than most. I used to be very intelligent, I was attending college without paying a dime. I squandered that. My family is very well off and I wanted for nothing, yet I'm still here. I wasted what many, many people will never get. Despite all my advantages in the past and all the luck I have in the present, I'm alone. Almost everyone I could even loosely consider a friend has abandoned me, and rightly so. I'm not mad at them. I hold no ill will towards them. I did horrible things, and my lack of understanding or malicious intent is no excuse. I deserve whatever happens as a result of my shit.

I just wish I had the strength to keep fighting. I wish I had the will to continue forward. When I was discharged, I had so much hope. I'm a pessimistic person and, for once, I was boiling over with optimism. I wish I could recapture that. I wish I could see the brighter side of it all. Suicide isn't really an option anymore, any method I would have had is gone on account of me attempting and it being this whole process. It feels so hopeless. For years I've been trying to understand what was wrong with me. What about me kept driving people away. I finally figured out part of it, and I'm hopeful I can understand more soon. I just wish I had figured it all out earlier so I could've been the friend I was supposed to be.

I'm so fucking scared to move on because I'm terrified this will happen again. I feel like I've hurt almost everyone in my life and I really, desperately want to quit hurting people. I never want to hurt anyone again. I nearly killed myself to ensure that I could never hurt anyone again. I want to shut myself away so I never run the risk of harming anyone else. If I get close to someone again, I'm scared and terrified that I'll end up hurting another person I love. I hope I can one day understand and change the things I do that hurt people. I have a great opportunity for it, but what if I can't? I never mean to hurt people. I spend so much time and energy trying to avoid hurting everyone and I just keep fucking doing it. My entire support system was eradicated in an instant because of unintentional actions. I don't know how to press forward.

Even if I do get better, does it matter? I can't undo the suffering I've caused. I can get better for me. That's what I'm supposed to do, I'm sure of that. But what do I gain from that? I have to live with all of the guilt from what I've done and the knowledge that my life would be wonderful right now if I had just gotten better sooner. If I were just a better person, I could be playing video games with my friends right now. We could be laughing and joking and everything would be okay. But I fucked it up. I bring disaster with me everywhere I go and hurt everyone I touch and even if I get better, I've burned bridges that I can't cross back over. It just all feels hopeless.

I'm almost 40 and unfortunately, despite the fact that I'm making the most money I've ever made, I can't keep up with bills any longer and my mom was saying I could move back into her house along with my 13 year old daughter. This is going to save me about $2,000 a month which I will be able to put towards paying off my card which still has $16,000 on it and allow me to build up savings. Furthermore, she's letting us have the entire basement and we can paint it and put carpet in it and everything because due to a flood 10 years ago, the basement has been sitting empty with no carpet. I'm actually incredibly excited about this as I've always rented and have never been able to paint or make any of my own decisions and it will be nice to no longer have to worry about hiding my pet and neighbor's doors slamming constantly and all that.

However, when I was in elementary school, my older brother and all of his friends did some horrible things to me in that basement that I actually repressed to the point that I didn't remember any of it until I was about 30 in one day the memories hit me like a truck. I keep breaking down crying at not only the thought of having to move back into that room, but my daughter would be living in my brother's old room. She has no idea about it. And is honestly pretty excited to get to paint and decorate her room as well. I'm sure once I'm actually there and everything looks different I will feel better and mostly forget about things. But I know that at night when I'm trying to go to sleep it's all going to hit me randomly. I'm not super spiritual or anything because I've had somebody say to burn some sage down there and I'm going to do that but I just need a way to cope. Therapy is not an option due to money. And honestly, I've tried therapy in the past and simply talking about my feelings does not work.

A friend suggested that I should join reddit and share the CPTSD stories with you, and perhaps some here might find them useful.

Even though I regularly write articles and essays on CPTSD, I am honestly afraid of sharing here on reddit.

I normally hammer 🔨 out an article a day and then publish it to SubStack.

Perhaps it is imposter syndrome or something like that.

I just wanted to say hello and see if anyone was interested to hear more.

My pen 🖊 name is Steven James Cervantes.

While this isn't a creative piece, I again am afraid of posting on reddit. I ultimately don't want to be trolled about my experiences.

I don't believe pain and suffering require a competition, as it would be unfair for me to say what you suffered was less or more than anyone else.

That's it.

I can share my SubStack information with you, but I don't want to violate your self promotion rules.

Weird how this scares me.

Tenho muito ódio e rancor da minha ex e da família dela, já fazem quase 5 anos desde o divórcio e não tem um dia que não oro a Deus por transbordar de raiva de cada um deles.

Fiquei com uma mulher por uns 7 anos, porém é que nem dizem por aí, vc só conhece mesmo com quem está depois do divórcio. Nós nos separamos por que ela me traiu com vários caras e mulheres também diversas vezes, e depois ainda veio falar um monte pra mim que tinha pena de mim e mais um monte de bosta, e sinceramente eu quero mais é que ela se foda e muito.

Vou tentar ser linear nos fatos.

Começamos a namorar com uns 16 anos e ela já terminou e voltou comigo umas 30 vezes, toda hora termina vamos e era um inferno ter que lidar com ela. Lembro que uma vez o pai dela bateu nela e o pessoal da escola foi ir atrás de mim achando que eu tinha batido nela, mesmo ela indo falar que eu não fiz nada o pessoal queria me catar na porrada por algo que eu nem fiz e o verdadeiro culpado ficou lá de boa. Fora isso teve várias vezes que ela ia na casa de amigos escondida e pra vários rolês com homens mais velhos que TODOS sabiam que queriam comer ela e mesmo assim ela dizia "não vou deixar de viver só pq vc n vai". Fora um dia no interclasse que ela ficava usando roupa do mlq da sala dela.

Depois tinha na faculdade que um monte de amigos homem dela ficava vendo porno com ela na sala sempre que ela falava e eu não gostava ela dizia que não podia fazer nada e achava ruim de eu não gostar. Fora que ela vivia me expondo pras amigas dela que sempre que estavam bêbadas elas me alopravam no meio de todo mundo.

Teve um dia na casa da mãe dela que os primos e o irmão dela disseram " nossa vc nem tem peito nem bunda, nem parece mulher de verdade", e sabem o que ela fez??? Mostrou os peitos pra todo mundo na cozinha e depois ficou revoltada me falando que tava cansada do pessoal falar isso pra ela, daí quando eu disse " vc tá ficando louca? Vc n percebe que eles falam isso pq sabiam q vc ia mostrar??" E ela ficou brava comigo !!

Ela era descendente de japonês e um certo tempo ela quis ir pra lá e nos dois fomos pra uma empreiteira pra preencher as papeladas e assim que desse iríamos trabalhar lá, porém ela vivia dando sinais que queria me largar, eis alguns deles:

\- Ela passou em uma universidade em outro estado e dizia "vou pra lá e vc fica aqui me esperando, logo logo eu me formo e depois eu volto"

\- Ela queria ser sargenta da aeronáutica e dizia" vou pra Guaratinguetá fazer a formação e logo logo eu volto daqui uns anos"

\- Ela quis ir prós Japão e começou com o mesmo discurso de q iria ela e as irmãs e eu esperava q um dia eu voltava pra ela.

Sabe o mais foda? Um dia eu fui testar ela e disse q tbm iria prestar um concurso pra marinha, daí ela tinha medo de eu passar e ela ficar, sabe o que ela disse? " Se vc sair dessa casa eu boto outro cara no mesmo dia". Daí vc fica pensando, ela pode me largar pra algo melhor mas ao contrário não pode, ela que tem que sair por cima da carne seca e eu o fodido.

Antes de ela ir pro Japão ela me desconsideração em tudo e só lembrava de mim na hora de passar o cartão em algum lugar. Nós tínhamos juntado um dinheiro e abrimos uma lojinha, a ideia era ir investindo nela e tals, mas ela nunca me ouvia, eu sempre dizia que se focarmos em algo menor e que precise de pouca coisa séria melhor, tipo vender pastel ( no caso o irmão dela foi vender pastel na mesma loja que nois ) porém ela nunca dava bola, e como estávamos fazendo com a família dela essa empreitada eu descobri da pior forma possível que quando se trata da família dos outros você é só um intruso.

Mano, toda hora fechavam a tampa da panela e eu ficava de fora, ela nunca falava nada comigo era sempre com o pai dela, eu repetia a mesma coisa toda hora e era só o pai dela falar um A que pronto, era uma vez o que eu disse. Outra que eu já estava com os ânimos desalinhados como o pessoal da casa dela e ela sabia disso, e o que ela fazia?? Fazia de tudo pra ter ainda mais gente me enchendo o saco e por mais que eu falasse pra ela não fazer algo ela fazia mesmo assim. Exemplo:

A família dela é basicamente toda de crente, daí eu gostava de ouvir Slayer, racionais e tals, só sei que ela foi inventar de botar no auto falante essas músicas mesmo sabendo que os pais iriam encher o saco, e eu disse " n coloca n" e ela disse " eu vou botar sim!" E eu botei já a mão no rosto e ela botou mesmo assim, no final a mãe e o pai dela vieram encher o saco falando merda e ela disse "n é msm fulano?" Daí eu nem respondi ND , e ela ficou brava falando q eu me acovardei sendo que eu já tava puto com geral ali e ela ao invés de deixar tudo numa boa ela vai lá e planta motivo pra virem falar, mano pqp.

Bom, não vou lembrar de cabeça tudo que ocorreu, porém ela era muito otaria, infantil e mais um monte de merda. Lembro quando ela ficava chorando pq ninguém queria ser amiga dela daí eu ia lá tentar confortar ela. Lembro também de quando ela chorava em cima da cama por causa de emprego e no final eu que fui andar a av. Henry Ford e a presidente Wilson entregando currículo pra ela e mais uma caralhada de lugar.

Quando estava tudo certo pra gente embarcar pro Japão tinha uma condição, por ser na pandemia o pais estava filtrando quem entrava ou não lá, no caso como eu não tinha descendência eu não poderia ir com ela, porém ela estando 3 meses lá eu já poderia ir pq ela seria tipo um parente meu por ser minha esposa, e daí eu poderia ir, só que chegando lá ela ficou uns dias chorando e preocupada e querendo desistir e eu falava com ela e tals pra ela n vir pq é difícil mesmo e tals. Depois de um mês ela já nem me respondia, ela tinha outro número que nem eu sabia só fui saber depois, e mesmo assim ela só me ignorava, até que eu fui mandar mensagem pra ela no insta e mesmo assim ela já nem respondia mais. Eis que as vezes ela mandava mensagem e dizia " e como que tá as namoradinhas??" E eu dizia " q??" E ela sempre dava a entender que queria falar algo mas sempre travava na hora, até que um dia eu me batizei.

São muitas coisas acontecendo ao mesmo tempo então vou encerrar a história da lojinha nossa e falar do batismo.

Basicamente a loja fechou, como todo mundo queria ser dono e eles me jogaram pra escanteio da minha própria loja eu já nem tava mais me inteirando sobre ela até que dentro de um ano ela abriu falência e o pessoal veio me cobrar pra pagar alguns débitos pendentes, só que eu nem liguei, eles me botaram pra fora e agora eu tenho que voltar pra pagar???? Vai se foder!!

E sobre o batismo, a gente era da igreja e eu ia todo dia pq tava preocupado com um monte de coisa, e eu ia buscar a palavra e dizer pra ela pra ela ficar bem, e todo dia eu sentia tanto medo do que podia acontecer, pq como eu já disse antes ela dava todos os sinais que já estava abrindo mãos de mim a vários anos, mas eu era trouxa e queria ficar com ela kkkkk. E eu passei a sentir o seguinte:" se eu obedecer a Deus vai dar tudo certo, vai ficar tudo bem!". Daí eu fui pro batismo com a ideia de agradar a Deus e nessa que eu me batizei eu queria fazer uma surpresa pra ela dando testemunho lá no Japão, só que nessas alturas ela já vivia mandando mensagem falando que não queria mais, mas eu dizia q ia ficar tudo bem e que eu tinha uma surpresa pra ela.

No Japão existe algo chamado de GOLDEN WEEK que nada mais é que uma semana de férias pra geral lá, e nesse dia ela foi conhecer o primo dela que ajudou ela a ir pra lá, e nesse dia ela me traiu com ele. Foi tanta coisa envolvida nisso que fica até muito simples descrever só assim.

Eu lembro que eu tava todo derrotado em casa e eu já tava sem força pra ir pra igreja, até que minha tia chegou e me disse " vamos no São Pedro que tem busca de dons hoje" e eu pensei "não vou recusar, mas só pq tão me chamando pras coisas de Deus né" daí eu disse pra ela " como vc sabe que tem busca de dons se vc chegou hj do Ceará??" E ela me disse " eu encontrei uns irmãos no ônibus que me disseram"

Daí no São Pedro a palavra era uma passagem em que um dos filhos do rei Davi estava tentando matar ele, porém quando um dos guardas dele se oferece pra matar o rei Davi poupa ele. Daí Deus disse na palavra assim " alguém que dividiu o teto e até a mesa e a comida com vc te traiu hoje, porém vc não vai pagar com vingança, vc vai pagar com amor"

E ali eu entendi que estava falando a minha esposa mas eu não sabia que ela tinha me traído, e quando eu vi que não ia conseguir fazer a surpresa que eu gostaria eu falei " preciso te contar uma coisa" e ela disse "eu tbm" daí eu falei que tinha me batizado e ela me chamou de burro e disse que eu tinha piorado tudo. Daí depois ela disse que ela tinha me traído várias vezes e que ia falar pra eu ficar com outra mulher aqui, mas como eu me batizei eu não poderia fazer isso.

Na HR que ela falou que me traiu eu lembrei da palavra e eu tive uma crise de riso, tipo eu fiquei louco e depois que eu vi ela em silêncio eu vi que era sério e enfim ela falou os detalhes e depois ficou me ignorando por mais uns dias. E obviamente eu fiquei revoltado e ela queria o divórcio e deu só merda.

Aqui vou entrar em outro ponto, a minha liberdade na igreja. Quando eu falei pro meu ancião o que aconteceu ele disse que eu teria que ter provas concretas pra provar a traição pq se n eu iria perder a liberdade de servir a Deus na igreja, sendo que eu tinha umas duas funções lá, porém quando eu disse isso pra ela e prós pais dela que já sabiam da situação eles disseram " fazer oq né". Sendo que se só um deles falassem a verdade eu manteria a minha liberdade normalmente, porém ninguém falou ND a meu favor, ou seja me chutaram pra fora de novo.

Depois disso eu reclamei e xinguei muito e ela disse pra mim que eu estava sendo muito vitimista e que ela tbm tinha perdido o casamento e q sla oq. Enfim a hipotermia

Lembro dela zombar de mim, lembro de antes disso ela me mandar foto com o primo dela falando que ia casar e depois do nada me mandar mensagem desabafando dizendo que tinha terminado com ele e que agora iria só ficar e tals e que tinha conhecido um tal de Makoto no trabalho e que eles estava namorando e tudo mais é que só iria ficar com ele.

Resumindo teve um dia que ela disse assim " eu só tô pedindo o divórcio pra te ajudar pq do jeito q tá pra mim tá ótimo, eu só estou te ajudando a seguir sua vida".

Lembro de um dia, antes de eu saber tudo isso eu tinha mandado foto do pau pra ela e ela disse " o que é isso? Oq vc fez? Vc tá diferente vc n era assim!" Daí depois de tudo isso eu entendi q ela tinha visto tanta piroca na frente dela que ela já tava me comparando e nessa hora eu senti vergonha e nojo de mim mesmo.

Depois disso veio uma mensagem pra mim dizendo

"Apdd assina pra mim e me entrega até às 9h"

Mano eu fiquei com uma raiva tão grande que mesmo 5 anos depois eu quero encher esse maluco de porrada até hoje.

\*\*\*Apdd= a paz de Deus (saudação da igreja)\*\*\*

Só sei que muito tempo depois ela me mandou mensagem perguntando com eu estava e que queria manter amizade e eu disse que não queria, pedi desculpa pelas ameaças de morte e foi isso. Nunca mais falei com ela nem com a família dela.

Um tempo atrás um irmão me disse "tenho um recado pra vc, seu ex sogro disse que sente sdd e q era pra vc passar lá" daí conversa vai e vem e ele disse assim " seu ex sogro disse q vc q n quis ir pq ficou com medo de falar japonês e de pegar avião, daí ela tava sozinha pq vc abandonou ela e arranjou outro cara" daí eu disse "gourmetizaram a safadeza dela, só podia" mas o q me deu mais raiva é o cara dizer "gosto muito dele" mano quem não gosta de um fudido pra tirar sarro?? Lógico que gostam de mim e ainda tem coragem de me zoarem de corno, ficam de desdenho fingindo q aquela vagabunda sugava minha pika na casa deles. Vai se foder.

Eu tenho um ódio muito grande por esse pessoal, e fora a santa ceia eu quase nem piso na igreja e eu sei que é errado e eu queria poder me dedicar ao q importa mesmo q é Deus mas eu não consigo perdoar, e a oração do pai nosso mesmo diz q se vc n perdoa vc n recebe perdão e eu sei que meu caminho é ir pro inferno. Mas tudo q eu queria era me vingar. Isso sim me deixaria feliz profundamente.

Eu não me dou bem com crente e sla, minha passagem pro inferno tá garantida já.

E sabe o pior? Já jejuei, já orei e sla mano, teve uma vez que eu dobrei o joelho e passou na minha mente o seguinte "enquanto vc chora rios de lágrimas de joelhos ela tá ajoelhada mamando um monte de cara e sendo feliz"

Daí ela diz sobre a correria e o esforço que foi chegar até lá sendo que o único mérito que ela tem foi ter sido gozada numa asiática, onde tá o mérito?? Eu trabalho dia após dia 12-13 horas me fudendo, trabalhei de pião batendo massa, cavando buraco, em metalúrgica, em borracharia e tô todo lesionado, costas, joelho, tendões mano tô todo ferrado e mesmo assim as coisas não dão certo, não existe meritocracia nesse mundo. E outra quem vence na vida vai olhar prós fundidos e dizer q vc n tentou direito ou pq vc n tem força de vontade, e isso é verdade em partes, mas assim nem tão só por tentar e correr atrás vc vai conseguir. Se deu certo pra vc da graças a Deus e olha pro lado o tanto que tenta até mais que vc e n conseguiu. A vida é fodida mesmo.

Eu passei muito tempo com o pessoal me tratando que nem um pedaço de bosta até que eu fui tão amassado e humilhado que eu já chutei o balde, o que eu mais queria era morrer logo pq já n aguento mais.

Nada nessa vida trás felicidade, os outros só te usam, e eu sei que não é toda mulher q é assim então tipo, mulher q n presta só serve pra valorizar ainda mais uma mulher de caráter.

Antes eu pensava q por fazer o certo as coisas iriam ficar bem e tudo mais, só que a vida n funciona que nem um filme da Disney, e eu sei que nem toda pessoa é sem caráter, porém o grande ponto aqui é que eu decidi por livre e espontânea vontade que quero morrer sozinho. Não quero mais ter filhos e olha que esse já foi meu maior sonho. E nem quero ter companhia pq eu simplesmente não quero.

Basicamente eu tive uma infância boa, uma pré adolescência horrível, meu maior erro foi ter namorado e o pior de todos foi ter sido fudido o suficiente pra me sujeitar a tudo isso, sendo que era evitável desde o início, então eu assumo toda a culpa dessa merda e vai tomar no cu EU por tudo isso.

A, hj eu tenho 26 anos e estou prestes a tentar uma última tentativa com o pouco que me resta pra ver se agora algo da certo, espero ser acertado por um caminhão pipa quando for atravessar a rua e nunca mais precisei me preocupar com nada dessa vida.

Só mais um adendo, hoje eu me sinto mais recuperado, antes me sentia completamente um caco, despedaçado e sem força pra reagir, só tentativas e planos suicidas mesmo, porém hoje estou bem melhor, chamo os outros pra porrada quase toda semana e isso me faz sentir mais vivo, tipo clube da luta!

Antes de escrever isso eu queria muito poder conversar e botar isso pra fora, e ainda sim mesmo com esse textão parece que não consegui dizer tudo, é ruim não ter amigos de verdade. Pessoas de verdade são raras e difíceis de se achar, e a maioria prefere as ilusões só pra ser aceita por mais pessoas, e eu por mim, se os outros quer se disfarçar de santinho bonzinho eu me visto de demônio mesmo e toco o terror nesse krai.

Mas é engraçado, quando o pessoal precisa de ajuda eles sabem pedir, quando vc precisa de ajuda eles te diminuem e falam que vc precisa virar homem. Muito complicado as pessoas, por isso vc tem que resumir e chamar logo pras ideia e meter a porrada.

Talvez um dia eu consiga perdoar, e talvez um dia eu deixe de ser um traumatizado fudido. A vida toda, todo dia parece uma luta que não acaba e eu nunca me vejo livre disso, sabe? E isso vai me matando aos poucos. Sempre que oro eu peço para o Senhor me levar e pra abençoar esse pessoal q eu tenho ódio, pq eu sei q tô errado mas é isso.

Detalhe, nem falei da minha vida financeira fudida, nem dos meus problemas com família e meu irmão que quase matei esfaqueado pq ele tem problemas com drogas e foi bater DE NOVO na minha mãe.

As vezes só e difícil ver o lado bom, tipo se equilibrar na corda bamba, vivendo só na sorte e no azar, sem saber quando vai ser minha última refeição ou meu último banho quente.

Sabe, amar n é esse tesão ou qualquer coisa assim, amar é escolher, eu poderia ter metido chifre naquela vagaba um monte vezes mas eu nunca fiz e nem faria, pq eu escolhi não fazer. Vc escolhe cuidar e estar com a pessoa por mais defeitos q ela tenha, daí a pessoa dizer q traiu pq tava com fogo no cu é foda, pq vc acha msm q vc é a última bolacha do pacote? Q o mesmo q vc pensa olhando pra uns e outros o seu parceiro(a) tbm n sente nem pensa? A diferença é q ele escolheu te aturar msm vc sendo fudido, mesmo ela se privando de tudo que ela poderia estar aproveitando, ela escolheu estar com vc, então por mais que sexo e admiração entre outras coisas estejam envolvidas nisso o principal de tudo isso é sempre a escolha q vc vai tomar, pq todo mundo tem fraqueza, mas do ND vc decide usar ela como desculpa.

Que nem, eu sou MT propenso a brigar, sou MT pavio curto, porém eu consigo dizer não pra um rabo de saia, eu entendo q algumas coisas são mais pesadas pra algumas pessoas, mas vc tem que fugir, tem que se controlar por mais difícil que seja no final a escolha é sua. Por isso relacionamento hj em dia n dura, pessoal acha q se acabou tesão ( e ele sempre acaba ) daí já troca o outro como se fosse ND, daí fica aquela disputa de quem liga menos pro outro, pq se vc for homem e gostaria da sua mulher vc é gado, a outra vai te fazer de otario pq vc é capacho dela. MT foda.

I’m 16 yrs old and a girl. I was SA’d by my ex boyfriend and my best friend cut me off a couple months ago. You can check my acc for my story.

I’ve been feeling really depressed and it’s hard for me to do school. I can’t find the motivation to do simple class work and homework. I keep having thoughts that if god were to make a deal with me and let me kms and redo my life I would say yes. Im walking slower, Im really tired, I care less about things, Im more angry and sad and I don’t know what to do. Also I sh’d which I’ve struggled with in the past and tried to stop doing. My school therapist told me to get over it and stop wallowing and learn to be an adult. She also told me I can’t call it SA because she wasn’t there (like I’m lying or something 🫩.)

i am 17M, i have always been a geeky nerdy guy. interested in conspiracy theories and how things work. so a few days back i was talking to a friend and she asked my how do people access dark web, i told her the usual stuff. she accessed it looked at marketplaces, guns, drugs, hitman sites and shit. and she asked me if dark web has gruesome acts done to kids, i said yes. now she asks me if i have seen it, i replied no. but things changed.

curiosity got the best out of me and i went on a adult site on dark web and trust me when i say i saw gruesome acts done to kids. and when i saw kids it includes infants too. assault, molestation and other things. these kids that don't know anything getting exploited has killed my spirits. there are websites that are making money off of these innocent kids getting exploited, i saw 6 such websites before i couldn't see anymore. i saw a girl getting exploited by her dad, probably a video from early 2010s her crying, and begging still gives me goosebumps down my spine and my hands start shaking just thinking about it

it is not a good world in that place, so please dont go on dark web, please i am telling you for the good of your own self

As I said here https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1v93iyt/trauma_trigger_playset/ I’ve been trying to confront my monsters.

I thought of a really good invention that, if it were real, I’d buy one but I don’t have the knowledge or money to make it be.

It’s a plush nurse doll who has a hidden voice box in her that, when triggered, plays a nurse checkoff video/scene for a skill like an IV insertion or something.

This would 1. Act as a dryrun for the real thing but in a safe space.

2. If it’s a very young child, give a chance to use social skills like when she asks you your name and if you have any allergies or anything that would require you to actually answer, I don’t struggle with this but some do.

3. Let’s face it, nurse checkoff vids are good for ASMR, I watch them for this purpose as well as a dryrun. Also I was thinking if this was to be invented, let’s say the one in the white or yellow scrubs could be for a normal nurse, but the one in the scrub that’s the color of buffalo wing sauce, could be the S A N E nurse, and she can play a skill demo of a kit being done in case that’s your trigger. It would be good for normal consumers to buy for home use but also therapists, nurses, doctors and those kinds of people can buy it. Also the plush itself should be washable, with electronics removed of course, because depending on who’s using her, she might get cried upon a lot.

hi everyone this is my first post and Ive never used Reddit before so I wasn’t sure where to post this. I’ll start by saying I’m safe now and my intention is just really to feel less alone if someone could please tell me I’m not alone in this.

TW: suicide, neglect, sexual exposure in front of a minor

when I was 13 my mental state was already very bad due to some past issues. my mom and I had just moved in with her new boyfriend (this was mid-late 2021). She barely knew him before she made me pack all of my stuff from my grandparents house (lived with them from 2020-2021 and then moved back in with them my freshman year of highschool due to the events that happened next). we hadn’t been living there long and this guy was trying to ”bond” with me I guess so the three of us were in the living room watching a movie. It was mid day probably between 10:00 am to 3:00 pm at the latest. They were in their “honeymoon“ phase for sure because my mom and this guy couldnt stay off each other long enough to watch a fucking movie with her 13 year old kid as a new “family unit”. Anyways I’m sitting in a chair in the living room while her boyfriend sits in another chair pretty much right next to me but my mom was sitting in the floor between us. He gets down on the floor with my mom and they start making out like 3 feet away from me max. I was 13 sure but I wasn’t stupid and they knew that. He starts touching her in places a 13 year old should NEVER see especially not their mom. I think they kind of snapped out of their horned up trance and realized what they were doing so they told me they were “tired and going to take a nap”. I knew what they were going to do. Reminder that it is the middle of the day and they couldn’t wait until I was asleep or something???? Anyway

this whole ordeal freaked me out and even worse I could hear them across the house. I also knew that my mom did onlyfans (I think it was technically a different site but I was bullied for it in middle school because my mom would dress up in MY CLOTHES HER 13 YEAR OLDS CLOTHES AD A 30 SOMETHING YEAR OLD WOMAN. She also promoted her work on her public instagram so they all knew she was my mom between the last name and the clothes. I suspect this day she was probably making content with this man. Regardless I could hear them across the house (we lived in a double wide, their room was at one end, mine at the other and I could STILL hear them with my door shut. Like shaking the damn house almost. It was incredibly disturbing. As I said my mental state was low and I had already attempted suicide in the past. this incident made me feel like my mother did not care about me which I already knew she didn’t but this amplified those feelings. I took a bunch of various pills, some prescribed to me, some prescribed to her boyfriend. I desperately wanted my mom to stop and care for me so I regretted my decision and ended up calling her phone from mine across the house. The first 3 times she didn’t answer and then when she did she was very upset but even worse, still going at it with him while on the phone with me. She could hear me crying. Didn’t stop fucking him. I told her what I’d done and she said something that gave me hope like “hold on I’ll be right out to check on you” or somethin. I genuinely thought she would stop. Five minutes go by and suddenly it had been over 15 minutes since Id called Her. Clock is ticking at this point because I had taken a drug cocktail. I call her again she doesn’t answer but then knocks on my door. I open it she’s half naked out of breath and PISSED at me. Usually she met me with somewhat compassion after I attempted in the past but her mask didn’t just slip this time it was GONE. I tell her everything I took and she did not take it seriously at all but I’m having intense stomach pain now and feel like I’m going to pass out. I’m sobbing to her telling her I feel like I’m dying and to please take me to the hospital but she kept coming up with excuses like “they’ll take you away from me forever if I take you there” and I was a scared 13 year old girl who had already had run ins with cps and had my life ruined before by them. I listened to her and she quickly ran back to her boyfriend for round two. I made myself vomit. there was a little blood which really scared me. At this point it’s maybe 4:00 pm and I didn’t see my mom or her boyfriend again for the rest of the day. They never came out of their bedroom. I didn’t eat anything just layed in my room crying and trying my hardest not to fall asleep cus I was terrified I wouldn’t wake back up. Ended up falling asleep at some point and the next day worst stomach pain of my life I ended up going to stay with my grandparents. Didn’t tell them what really happened until my freshman year of highschool.

i need help. Was this a mother who hates her daughter? A narcissist? did she just not care or do you think she wanted me dead?

(From Denmark)

I've been going to the same therapist for a few years and have loved it..

On 17th of May I had my last session with her before she'd take the whole of June and 2 weeks of July as holiday leave (I know that seems like a lot, but she has her own practice and can basically take time off whenever she wants)..

Around 18th of July I tried calling to ask when our sessions would be back bc we hadn't pre-booked any, but no answer.. sent her a text message instead, but still no reply.. Tried a few times more with no answer..

I also have to add before I continue: I've previously experienced that my former therapists have either died or vanished off the earth before, so I have that alone as an abandonment trauma 😵‍💫

It's now August 17th, and today I happened to walk by the location of her practice - only to be met with giant FOR RENT signs all over the windows 😵

I tried calling her again, but still nothing, so I decided to try and call the company listed on the sign to see when the location had been put up for rent..

Well turns out that in MARCH she ended the lease and was set to move out on the 31th of May..

So that means for the last 2-3 months of me seeing her, she knew she was switching location after her holiday and didn't inform me...?!

I've had a friend help me look into her information online: she's still listed as someone actively having a practice (that will automatically change if the person dies), we can find evidence of her activities online around mid June, but her personal phone number and address is ofc hidden/private.. The address listed for her practice is still the same though 🤷‍♀️

So now I've sent her an email..

I'm so confused and feeling betrayed bc of it..

Thank you for reading my rant..

🙏

Bonsoir il est tard est j’aimerai me confier sur un sujet sensible qui m’ai arrivé pendant mon enfance. J’en ai jamais parlé à par à deux personnes, ma meilleure amie et un ami des réseaux. Si j’écris ça ce soir c’est pour avoir votre avis sur ma situation et non de la pitié.

Pour vous mettre dans le contexte j’ai un grand frère et il m’a V pendant des années sans que ma famille s’en rende compte. il est beaucoup plus vieux que moi en âge (10ans) je ne saurais vous dire quand et comment il a commencé à me faire ça mais je dirais quand j’avais 4/5ans à peu près. J’ai eu beaucoup de mal à me rendre compte que ce n’était pas normal. Ça c’est arrêté quand j’avais 11ans. Cette période de ma vie m’a beaucoup marquée et encore aujourd’hui je n’arrive pas à oublier ce qu’il m’a fait, je fais souvent des cauchemars par rapport à ça et même dans mes relations amoureuses actuellement j’ai un blocage je sais que vous allez vous dire pourquoi je vais pas voir un psy ? Ma condition actuelle ne me le permet pas. Je vais pas rentrer non plus dans les détails de ce qu’il me faisait subir car je garde de l’anonymat. J’aimerai sincèrement des conseils de votre part svp. Merci d’avoir lu