u/Rosebud135

Three months ago I was sexually assaulted. For the first two months or so I felt more traumatized by it and had ptsd-like symptoms, but now I feel mostly desensitized to it. I can think/talk about it without getting upset and I don’t really have ptsd-like symptoms from it anymore. I think the reason I’m desensitized is because I joke about it excessively and I was so drunk when it happened that it’s a fuzzy memory. However, I still think about how I wanna fight the guy and have internalized victim blaming.

Is it possible that I processed it or does this just mean that it’s very unprocessed?

Basically being in a certain US state triggers me bc that’s where my abuser is from. People try to tell me that I won’t see him and that I should try not to think about him when I’m there. But that’s not how it works. It’s a nervous system issue. Even if I don’t think about the trauma and don’t see him I’m still so numb and on-edge when go to that state. I wish people without PTSD understood this

I have trouble remembering the emotions I felt during the trauma. I can remember the words for them (eg: sad) but I can exactly remember what it feels like. When I'm reminded of the trauma, I get this vague and ambiguous uncomfortable/upset feeling, but I don't feel any specific emotions. I used to deliberately suppress emotions related to the trauma but now I don't even think I'm capable of un-suppressing them.

I have this trigger where I get angry/scared/defensive when someone doesn't listen the first time I say no. My therapist said that counts as a "dissociative reaction where I feel/act as if the trauma were recurring," so I assume that means an emotional flashback. However, I can't remember if I had the exact same emotions during the trauma as I do during flashbacks.

When I experience intrusive memories about the trauma, I flinch as if I were in distress and I desperately want the memory to stop, but in that moment I genuinely can't tell what emotions I'm feeling, how strong they are, or whether I'm feeling actual emotions at all as opposed to just a physical reaction and disliking of the memory.

Does anyone else experience this?

I feel like people see ADHD as a flaw or a quirky trait rather than a mental health disorder that causes suffering. I know a lot of people say ADHD isn’t a disorder or inherently bad. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I don’t subscribe to that. ADHD objectively is a medical condition. Our brains aren’t wired the way they are supposed to be and it does cause suffering. There’s nothing shameful about having a disorder or medical condition. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or flawed as a whole. But I wish people would stop romanticizing ADHD and saying that it’s just a different neurotype.

ADHD isn’t treated like other mental health conditions. If you say you had OCD or bipolar etc people feel bad for you and assume you’re suffering. But if you tell someone you have ADHD they just treat it like a little quirk. And they see the symptoms as a trait rather than something that you suffer from. This is why I often specify that I have severe ADHD because I want people to understand that it causes me suffering. I have a lot of trouble initiating tasks and I can’t do schoolwork at all without meds.

And I’m not trying to say that ADHD is the only stigmatized mental health condition and that people with other conditions have it so much easier. I also have PTSD and trust me I know it’s stigmatized. But at least I’m more likely to get sympathy for PTSD than ADHD, even though my ADHD affects me more.

I’m just venting and trying to spread awareness idk.

I had the worst self destruction episode ever tonight. I was such a mess and it has never been quite this severe. I put myself in dangerous situations and was quite toxic to my girlfriend. For some reason she forgave me right away and said she was more worried about me hurting myself than what I did to her. She wants me to get professional help for this so I’m gonna do that. And then she took me to her dorm and took care of me. She’s too amazing I don’t deserve her.

Maybe I’m just tripping but I swear my symptoms get worse in the evening/night. Is this a common phenomenon?

This probably sounds so sick and twisted but for some reason I like seeing my self harm scars on my body. I have no idea why. Does anyone else experience this? And does anyone know any potential reasons why someone would feel this way?

I randomly flinch, twitch, or start breathing heavy/hyperventilating. Sometimes there’s a trigger but other times it happens with no apparent trigger. Anyone else get this?