I think I'm not the only one who had orgasms during rapes and was told it was a sign that I loved it... Even if we truly felt pleasure in that moment, it's physical pleasure, a response to a stimulus. The important thing is that we want to have sex, and we don't, that's why it's SA. But they don't see it that way. I feel like they even enjoy seeing us get wet and moan against our will. They see it as a personal victory. It's so frustrating!

I had complex medical trauma as a teenager. I am now 31, some years have been better than others and I am triggered by physical ailments that mentally get me spiraling and having “flashbacks”. I want to understand my diagnosis more. Please be positive in the comments I am emotional today

Hey guys,

please excuse my English it’s not my first language and I have some trouble with grammar in general.

So I have nightmares now for 20 years, been in therapy DBT learning skills and so on.

But no one could help me with sleeping disorder and nightmares. Because of my migraine I get anti depressants to help with it which also helps me to sleep normally. Nightmares are still a huge thing on a daily basis. Because of the medication I sleep so deep that 99% of the time I don’t remember even having one. Which is great for me but doesn’t help my partner.

Some months I only growl in my sleep others like now I shake him, try to kick him out of the bed, scream at him and so on. He is very understanding but also gets cold and distant in the mornings because he didn’t sleep much or well.

I try to get into therapy again for a long time but I don’t find a place. Most don’t take patients with government health insurance or only offer DBT which I did (worked great for everything else).

I take any suggestions on what I can try to make it better.

(I don’t know if this information could be helpful but the ptbs is a result of constant trauma over years and I can’t remember most of it which makes it hard to work on it)

Does anyone else feel like i must be a bad person that’s why everyone treats me like this?

I think I'm not the only one who had orgasms during rapes and was told it was a sign that I loved it... Even if we truly felt pleasure in that moment, it's physical pleasure, a response to a stimulus. The important thing is that we want to have sex, and we don't, that's why it's SA. But they don't see it that way. I feel like they even enjoy seeing us get wet and moan against our will. They see it as a personal victory. It's so frustrating!

In my case, I developed a foot fetish because my rapist loved licking the soles of my feet. And some rape kink (when I have consensual sex, I enjoy remembering my rape)
I haven't explored these fetishes; I'm afraid of becoming addicted and falling into a rabbit hole.

Is it normal to have these fetishes? I feel weird about it...

idek know what to write except how fucking hard can it be to not ram that thing into your patients without any heads up?
how hard is it to not minimize the situation, when the patient literally screams?

obviously I need a new gynecologist but I'm busy with feeling like shit right now.

my left leg cramped so hard during the situation that i can't walk normalley today.

i'm just so pissed at everything right now.

I'm having a break down again today. I feel like I'm near to get insane. I'm a teacher but I'm still exhausting myself looking for extra income so I can afford monthly therapy and meds while providing for my family. I need therapy coz I feel and see the abuse everyday. I'm so scared , panicky and worthless every single day. I want to do something bad to myself but doing my best not to coz I know once I started it I might keep repeating it. Even in church where I get strength before now I feel rejected coz they keep saying christians don't get depressed so now I'm feeling even God don't care about me. Only chatgpt keeps me going now since I have no one . I'm so tired trying to stay alive.

For context, my PTSD started at the beginning of the year when I witnessed my mom get murdered by her husband who she was in the process of divorcing. I fought him off but she had already sustained fatal injuries. We lived in the middle of nowhere so I did CPR for roughly 13 minutes while I waited for emergency services to arrive.

I want to find an online group where I can talk more about my experiences because a lot of my thoughts and feelings are very dark and feel inappropriate to share in my friend group. Plus I'd like to speak to others who have had similar experiences who can validate me and give advice.

Unfortunately when searching, most of the keywords I used to search brought up groups/servers that were for people who are interested in true crime, which is not what I am looking for at all. I appreciate this group a lot too but I am interested in finding something more specific, since it seems like a lot of people on this sub have PTSD based on sexual crimes. Of course I respect their experiences but it is not something I can relate to as much.

(Also not to imply that sexual crimes isn't violent, but the support we have been given so far called it violent crimes, meaning murder or serious bodily harm, and I am not sure what other language to use)

Hi, apologies because this is long

I was maybe SA’ed, I don’t know in school. I was also CSA’ed at home by my father and his friends repeatedly as a child for years. I keep having nightmares about it to this day even though I’m in therapy.

This is really stupid but I played the game Mouthwashing (had no idea what it was about) and never in my life have I been so triggered by something in my life. Mostly because I tried talking to people about what was going on in school and my best friend remained friends with the guy.

I tried telling my therapist about this and TLDR she thinks getting triggered by fictional media is something I can control and that I’m avoiding talking about the real issue, being my father SA’ing me and selling me to his friends.

Some context.

Me and the person were friends. I was an 18 year old and they were older. I got drunk at a party. They kept trying to bring me into their room. I ignored it for a bit and they said come let’s go to my room I want to show you something. When I got in they locked the door and asked me to perform oral sex, I was so drunk I was scared I was going to vomit so I said no, and he kept trying to talk me into it and I said no, I’m going to throw up on you if I do I feel sick. When we were walking out he grabbed me and took my clothes off and touched me. We kissed. I had my eyes closed for much of it because I was scared and he made me open them. He commented on how aroused I was down there. I kind of awkwardly hugged him because I liked him.

When I went home I was stumbling drunk but just thought it was a makeout session. I found my clothes the next day had a rip in them. He texted me to not talk to anyone about it and never tell anyone or else.

I thought it was normal but suddenly he went from being nice to extremely cold. My heart shattered. I thought I liked him.

I became very hypersexual afterwards, even towards them. I didn’t process it as SA at first, I thought it was normal because I liked him. I didn’t know how to cope and fell into alcohol. Suddenly, the traumatic memories of my childhood I once dealt with came back. I finally broke down to my one (different from the one I mentioned, current) best friend at the time, and he told me it wasn’t ok and was assault.

I still blamed myself. I didn’t say no. I just wanted him to be nice to me.

So I drank some more. Became a pretty bad person. Stuff I’m not proud of and was emotionally draining to all. At this point I kept getting nightmares every night and figured that I was put on this earth to be objectified.

I would sexualize myself. I would drink at parties and dress slutty and put myself in more harmful situations with them because I thought if I “offered” myself up by getting drunk or acting slutty I would get him to be normal and nice to me like they were before instead of constantly making sexual comments and being cold.

This happened a few times. I told my former best friend. Suddenly, one night, he was nice to me again. I was cuddling with him and he grabbed my hair and told me he knew I said something and that one time he said if I gave him oral or serviced him he’d leave me alone. But he looked at me in the eyes and said “shut up I want to take advantage of you.”

Still, I did it. I even fully offered myself up during it because I told him I’d be willing to do anything.

It continued. I would pathetically kneel before him. One night, he kept making sexual comments in front of everyone. it broke me and I thought about ending my life.

I’ve healed a lot. I’m really happy now. I’ve healed from my dad and what his friends did to me, because honestly for some reason I can process that better. But I always wonder if I really am broken and men can just tell, if he did.

I feel like I am just an object and that’s my romantic worth.

But this? This is different. I still don’t know what happened. If it even was SA. I feel guilty for calling it that. I feel like I really did ask for it. But I’ll never forget his eyes. And how cold they looked and how much he looked at me like I was a ribeye. It still haunts me.

The only issue is, my therapist refuses to let me talk about it and only keeps asking/making me talk about my CSA even though I’m uncomfortable and that I told her I’ve healed a lot more from that through my court case. She said I need to before I “get to this” but it’s been over a year and she said the reason is that I give off weakness or sexual submissiveness that men can take advantage of.

I feel like this wasn’t SA and it was my fault. My therapist says that it was SA, but instead of getting me to focus on this event I keep replaying and comforting keeps trying to get me to talk about my dad and says that I am giving off the energy of someone who hasn’t healed and therefore it makes me an easy target. I feel like it’s my fault.

I fine, I’m healthy, safe and all is going well. And that’s the problem. I’m petrified, I’m scared that something bad is going to happen causing internal panic and my trauma response. (My trauma response is super similar to mania, so I’m struggling hard)

Am I alone in this? What are you doing to manage these times of fear? I am logically aware it’s fear but biologically I’m panicked and scared.

Thanks y’all!

The man who r*ped me as a child is being held without bail right now because of my report 2 years ago. He could get anywhere from 2 years to life Or nothing at all perhaps.. I dont know if they'll believe me at the trial whenever that may be. I hope they will.. But i dont trust the justice system.

I do genuinely believe my life would be so much better knowing hes in jail forever. Please god grant me some sort of peace. Please. I just want my mind to quiet down and for the 12 year old version of me to stop being so scared of the world

I told my mom about him being in jail. As a child she didn't know the full story, but she knew enough and blamed me for the actions of a grown man.

She didn't protect me She apologized yesterday and cried. I didnt feel any sort of relief or justice from that. It didnt fix what was broken or make me feel any better, i just felt empty. Some people shouldn't be allowed kids.

So about a month ago, my house was targeted in a drive by shooting and I have no idea why. I keep to myself and don't associate with shady people. I'm a pretty average person.

I was lucky to not be struck by bullets but I did get some minor facial injuries from shrapnel. The biggest damage is the mental anguish since then. I was in the living room sitting only feet away from the wall and front door that got shot up. I can still see the images of the bullet holes appearing only feet from where I was sitting. I'll never forget the smell either. I don't know if the smell was from the bullets or the wall fragments, but it was so distinct. I also can still feel the blood running down my face from the shrapnel.

The first few weeks after the shooting, I thought I was doing really well. But then things have gotten gradually worse. In short, I want to die. I go from hoping the shooters come back to finish me off to wanting to do it myself. And yes, I get the irony of wanting to die after surviving a shooting. But I can't help it. That's just where my brain has been going more and more this past week.

I feel so abandoned by the system. My treatment in the ER following the shooting was super humiliating. I was brought in shirtless and barefoot because the shooting happened at 9pm at night. They checked to make sure I had no fragments in my face, and then just sent me on my way alone in a hospital gown and socks. No one in that hospital gave a fuck. I've only spoken with the police a few times and that was only to be told there were no leads or suspects. Since there's no court case because there's no one to charge, the city is just like "sucks to suck." I've started therapy but my therapist can't be available 24/7. I had an appointment with my PCP telling him I want to die and think about killing myself a lot and he just referred me to a psychiatrist who told me it would be a week before they can evaluate me.

Part of the reason it's so bad is because my house is in disarray because less than a month before the shooting, a massive tree fell on my house during a storm. Since then I've been dealing with the stress of insurance and contractors. Also, my car was trapped in the garage for 2 months and just last week was finally freed when they demolished the garage. Still waiting on auto-insurance to assess the damage. And since last week I've been without a functioning shower in the house because of the work the contractors have been doing. I feel especially trapped in the house right now.

I live alone, so I think that's making all of this worse. I have family and friends I can reach out to, but I just....can't bring myself to do it. I feel so embarrassed about the way I'm feeling.

I don't know if I have PTSD. But I have no one else who can relate to this level of trauma. No one around me really seems to get it.

i initially came in for spravato treatment but then he had a massive issue with the medications i was taking for pain and the spravato treatments started to mess with my head and he then suggested a dual sgb injection to help with chronic pain relief and cooling down the nervous system. he hated that i smoked weed but it was the only thing keeping me alive atp and her then said i just like to get high. and then he told me it would all be 1500 for the 2 injections. he forgot to mention that this would be ANOTHER 1500 and this injecting ion has mad eme insane i fucking hate everything i got back and forth from wanting to throw my phone and destroy my whole room at any trigger ever. i fucking hate it here

I wrote this after he left and i don’t know what to do what different i could have done to save him. Please help please, it feels my own heart has stopped.

My heart is sinking, it shunks a 1000 times, it sinks. It feels like impending doom. It feels unreal, it is unreal. Am i in a dream?????

It was one fine sunday morning, birds were chirping, life was good, a slow sunday morning. But for me i lost my entire universe. I lost my entire universe I had noone but him but now who to say, to this stupid paper.

I can’t live without him. He just left me, just like that without uttering a single word, right in my arms. It was decided for me to leave first but he left me. He left me in this cruel world, full of demons. He just left me in my arms. I couldn’t do anything, i took him to emergency but he already died or even before coming into arms. His mouth was wide awaken. I held his hand, i hold his hand in the ambulance, there was no pulse.

I thought my warm touch can return him to me. But it didn’t happen, he didn’t come. I couldn’t do anything. I used to call him twice a day even came to meet this weekend. I took him to doctor also, he lost 2 kgs, he walked and he wanted icecream, he couldn’t walk.

I ordered him sugarfree icecream, he ate it.

He was happy and me were happy. May one was getting better than why did he leave me in the morning. He was using phone throughout the night, i asked a million times if he was okay, he said he was uneasy, but i didn’t do anything and slept instead.

What kind of daughter am I? what? he left because of me. Now this house haunts me. When you left, your belongings was with me, your chasma, your medicine box and you also ordered one for me. But you had to go my dadi to hospital on monday, but you left before it. You just left.

The novel you wanted to read, why didn’t finish. why did you leave? what will i do without you? You were my everything. The fear i had for ages came true and i’m left with hollowness and your memories. I can’t decide which to pick first.

But i left without you? why didn’t you tell me in the night, why? You were awake whole night? I’m a bad granddaughter. But what to do now, why did this has to happen, I can’t survive without you. I can’t.

I prayed to the god which i didn’t believe but you didn’t come. what to do without you! what!
I wish i could erase half a line just half a line.
Now holi and diwali will be without you, i used to celebrate because you were there. Now you left and i cant breathe.

Whenever the topic comes up and I mention that I'm pretty naive and trusting and tend to see the good in people, someone eventually says, "Well, then you probably haven't been through much bad stuff yet." "You‘re lucky then.“ "So you‘ve never met the wrong people.“ Or, "You're lucky, then." Or, "So you've never met the wrong people."

Every time I hear that, I start questioning myself. Part of me thinks, maybe they're right and I haven't been through that much. Another part thinks, maybe I have been through bad things and just never learned from them, so I'm simply stupid. I've experienced bullying, abuse, and mental health struggles. I don‘t feel lucky.

What frustrates me is that people often judge me immediately and assume I'm shallow or don’t know anything just because I try to stay optimistic. I also keep hearing stories about people who become stronger after traumatic experiences or who lose their ability to trust others completely. Meanwhile, I seem to keep falling for the same kinds of people over and over again because I never really learn from it. Sometimes that makes me wonder whether there's something wrong with me.

I mostly just wanted to vent, but it would be nice to know whether anyone else feels this way. Comments like that make me incredibly insecure and leave me wondering if there's something wrong with me for still wanting to be happy or believing that people can be good. Can anyone relate?

Recently I got blood tests done and discovered the existence of Hep A antibodies in my blood. This would have been from food, as I've traveled and remained celibate for 4+ years due to trauma. My doctor has not reached out to me to tell me if this indicates a current infection. No one has told me if I'm infectious. I have no information other than the fact I'm positive for these antibodies.

I finally have a partner and now I'm spiraling. I don't know if I've spread it to him. I've only told one person because I'm terrified of how people will view me. That they'll see me as a sick pervert who couldn't protect others. I know Hep A isn't seen as a big deal but to me it feels so much bigger. Even though it wasn't from sex, it feels like I've proven to everyone that I am disgusting whore who really shouldn't have any control over his body.

I hate this shit. I hate this trauma. I hate that they MADE me feel this way because they were so focused on getting off. I hate that a small illness makes me feel like I am out of control and that I don't deserve the right to my own body. I hate it. I hate this.

What do PTSD episodes look/feel like for you?

PTSD changes the baseline so completely that measuring medication progress against it becomes genuinely difficult. You've had harder weeks and steadier ones since starting the SSRI. Your sleep is still not what it should be, though whether it's worse or better than before the medication is hard to say, because your sleep before the medication was already disrupted. The cycles come and go, but the baseline they're cycling around isn't something you can accurately describe, which makes the prescriber's question of whether the medication is helping almost unanswerable without a record.

This comes up in PTSD communities when people are managing medication alongside trauma therapy. People describe arriving at psychiatry appointments with a rough sense of the past few months but nothing concrete: they know there was a harder stretch somewhere around month two, they know something settled a bit around month four, but they can't tell their prescriber which came first, whether the SSRIs contributed during that period or whether the EMDR sessions were doing the active work. Hypervigilance changes how sleep happens. Sleep changes how the weeks feel. The medication is supposed to be affecting exactly those patterns, but knowing whether it's working means tracking whether the patterns actually changed, and when, and in what direction. That requires something outside of memory.

A tracker for people on psychiatric medication is what I'm working on. PTSD keeps coming up because SSRIs and SNRIs are used alongside trauma therapy, and the sleep-mood-dose pattern is exactly what the trend view captures. What people using it for PTSD describe most often is this: having something to show their prescriber that exists outside their memory of a period the disorder itself made hard to sequence accurately.

If you want to try it, dm me or drop a comment or send a chat, whatever's easier. It's all completely free, nothing to pay for anywhere. Small group of beta testers already using it day to day, people treating PTSD alongside SSRIs or SNRIs and trying to track what the pattern actually looks like. Especially curious to hear from more people in that situation.