u/Mysterious_Metal1366

Has anyone else gone years without realizing they were basically living in survival mode?

I recently started therapy and had one of those moments where it felt like my entire life suddenly made more sense.

For the longest time, I thought I was just a really self aware and analytical person. I could explain why I felt the way I did, recognize patterns, overthink every situation, and spend hours journaling or trying to figure myself out. I genuinely believed that if I could just understand everything enough, I’d eventually heal.

Turns out that’s not really how trauma works.

My therapist pointed out that I intellectualize almost everything. Instead of actually feeling my emotions, I analyze them. Instead of sitting with pain, I try to understand it, research it, journal about it, or solve it like it’s some kind of puzzle. I had absolutely no idea that was considered a defense mechanism.

She also explained that I’ve likely been living in survival mode for a long time. Looking back, it honestly feels so obvious now. I was always scanning situations, overthinking conversations, trying to predict people’s behavior, preparing myself for disappointment, and always feeling like I had to stay one step ahead emotionally. I just thought that was my personality.

The craziest part is realizing how much it affected my behavior without me even recognizing it. There have been times where my reactions were way bigger than the situation probably called for. For example, after a car accident, the other driver started getting confrontational and I immediately went into fight mode. I was fully ready to fight this man before other people stepped in, and the whole situation ended up escalating to the point where he tried to sue me afterward. At the time, I just thought I had a bad temper or couldn’t tolerate disrespect.

Looking back now, I honestly wonder if my nervous system genuinely thought I was in danger and reacted before I even had time to think.

I also had this really stereotypical idea of what PTSD looked like. I thought it meant constant flashbacks or being completely unable to function after something traumatic. I never would’ve thought it could look like always living in your head, constantly trying to make sense of everything, feeling disconnected from your emotions, or being on edge without even realizing it.

It’s honestly been kind of mind blowing because now I’m questioning how much of what I thought was just my personality was actually something I learned to survive.

Has anyone else had this realization? Did you ever look back on certain moments in your life and realize they were probably trauma responses instead of just “who you are”?

Has anyone here worked for Northwell Health, particularly in outpatient setting?

I’m curious about people’s overall experiences with the organization and, more specifically, what your experiences have been with upper management. How involved are they? Do they tend to support staff, or are they pretty hands-off?

I’m also wondering how Northwell typically handles performance concerns or terminations. Is there usually a progressive process (coaching, verbal/written warnings, performance improvement plans, etc.), or have you seen people let go more abruptly?

Not asking about any specific situation, I’m just genuinely curious what the culture has been like at Northwell, although I know it varies from each location.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else feels like this.

I spent most of my childhood and teenage years overweight. By the time I was 17, I was over 200 pounds. Being overweight wasn’t just something I saw in the mirror. It affected how people treated me every single day.

I got bullied, family members commented on my body, and people constantly had something to say about my weight. One memory that has always stuck with me happened with my cousin. We only saw each other maybe once a year. We were joking around one day when he looked at me and said, “you’d be so much prettier if you were skinnier.”

I don’t think he has any idea that I still remember that years later.

Around the age of 19, I became determined to lose weight. I went on a very restrictive diet and lost around 45 to 50 pounds in about three months. Looking back, it wasn’t healthy at all.
A couple months later, my hair started falling out in clumps. I’m not exaggerating when I say I lost more than half my hair. It got so bad that maintenance had to come unclog the shower drain in my college dorm almost every week because there was so much hair.

Not long after that, I was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking Adderall. The appetite suppression honestly made it a lot easier to keep losing weight, and over time I ended up losing maybe over 80lbs.

Today I’m a healthy weight. If you met me now, you would probably never guess that I spent most of my life overweight.

The problem is that my brain never caught up.

For years I told myself that if I could just be skinny, I’d finally stop being insecure. I thought I’d finally be happy with the way I looked.

Instead, I just found new things to obsess over.

Even when I got down to around 139 pounds, I couldn’t stop focusing on my lower stomach. My stomach is flat except for the very bottom, where I have what I think is loose skin or maybe stubborn fat. I honestly don’t even know. All I know is that I hate it. I feel like every outfit looks bad because of it. I convince myself I look pregnant almost every day.

Then I started becoming insecure about my nose, which had literally never bothered me before. Then my boobs because when you lose that much weight, especially if you naturally weren’t very big to begin with, you lose volume there too.
It honestly feels like every time I fixed one insecurity, my brain just picked another one.

The craziest part is how differently people treat you.

People smile at me more. I get complimented more. People are nicer to me. I get more attention than I ever did before. People seem more willing to help me or even let little things slide. It almost feels like I unlocked some secret level of life that I didn’t
know existed.

As sad as it is to say, pretty privilege is absolutely real.

Something else I’ve noticed, and I’m honestly ashamed to admit it, is that I’ve caught myself judging people who are overweight. Sometimes I’ll have the thought, “If I was able to lose the weight, why can’t they?”

I hate that I even think that because I know everyone’s situation is different. There are medical conditions, medications, mental health issues, trauma, financial barriers, genetics, and so many reasons why losing weight is incredibly difficult. I know all of that logically, but sometimes that judgment still pops into my head and I have to check myself.

It almost feels like I lost some of the empathy that I desperately wanted other people to have for me when I was overweight.
The weirdest part, though, is that despite losing over 80 pounds, I’ll still walk into a room and immediately feel like I’m the biggest person there.

Logically, I know I’m probably not.

But that’s still how I feel.

I even remember being a kid sitting on the toilet, grabbing my stomach with my fingers, wishing I could just cut it off with scissors. I obviously knew I couldn’t and never would, but I remember wishing it was that simple.

I don’t know if that part of me ever really went away.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does that “fat kid” mindset ever actually leave, or does it just become quieter?

Looking for advice on whether I should bring a traffic lawyer to a ticket negotiation in NY.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, which I already pled guilty to.

Then, about two weeks later, I got pulled over by a NY State Trooper on the interstate. He told me I was doing over 80 in a 65. I handed him my license and registration without any issues.

He asked if my license was clean, and I said yes. I completely forgot about the seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier because I wasn’t thinking of that as part of my driving record.
He went back to his car, came back, and gave me a ticket for “speed not reasonable or prudent,” which, from what I understand, is a 3-point violation if I’m found guilty. However, he did not write the speed I was going on the ticket.

As he was handing me the ticket, he also thanked me for wearing my seatbelt and then said something along the lines of, “Make sure you tell your friends to wear theirs too.” That comment was completely unsolicited and kind of caught me off guard. I don’t know if he was referencing the seatbelt ticket he had just seen when he ran my information or if it was just a generic safety comment.

My appearance next week isn’t the actual trial, it’s basically an opportunity to negotiate the ticket with the prosecutor.
My brother thinks I should just go by myself because these negotiations are pretty routine. A traffic lawyer I spoke with, of course, thinks I should hire him and have him come with me.

I’m trying to decide whether it’s worth paying for an attorney or if this is something people typically handle on their own.

For those who have gone through this in New York:

Is it common to negotiate these tickets yourself?
Does having a seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier make the speeding negotiation any more difficult?
Is there any significance to the trooper’s comment about the seatbelt, or am I reading too much into it?
Would you hire a lawyer for a situation like this, or save the money unless negotiations fall apart?

This is in Kent, New York.

I’d appreciate any advice from people bwho’ve been through the NY traffic court process.

Looking for advice on whether I should bring a traffic lawyer to a ticket negotiation in NY.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, which I already pled guilty to.

Then, about two weeks later, I got pulled over by a NY State Trooper on the interstate. He told me I was doing over 80 in a 65. I handed him my license and registration without any issues.

He asked if my license was clean, and I said yes. I completely forgot about the seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier because I wasn’t thinking of that as part of my driving record.
He went back to his car, came back, and gave me a ticket for “speed not reasonable or prudent,” which, from what I understand, is a 3-point violation if I’m found guilty. However, he did not write the speed I was going on the ticket.

As he was handing me the ticket, he also thanked me for wearing my seatbelt and then said something along the lines of, “Make sure you tell your friends to wear theirs too.” That comment was completely unsolicited and kind of caught me off guard. I don’t know if he was referencing the seatbelt ticket he had just seen when he ran my information or if it was just a generic safety comment.

My appearance next week isn’t the actual trial, it’s basically an opportunity to negotiate the ticket with the prosecutor.
My brother thinks I should just go by myself because these negotiations are pretty routine. A traffic lawyer I spoke with, of course, thinks I should hire him and have him come with me.

I’m trying to decide whether it’s worth paying for an attorney or if this is something people typically handle on their own.

For those who have gone through this in New York:

Is it common to negotiate these tickets yourself?
Does having a seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier make the speeding negotiation any more difficult?
Is there any significance to the trooper’s comment about the seatbelt, or am I reading too much into it?
Would you hire a lawyer for a situation like this, or save the money unless negotiations fall apart?

This is in Kent, New York.

I’d appreciate any advice from people bwho’ve been through the NY traffic court process.

Looking for advice on whether I should bring a traffic lawyer to a ticket negotiation in NY.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, which I already pled guilty to.

Then, about two weeks later, I got pulled over by a NY State Trooper on the interstate. He told me I was doing over 80 in a 65. I handed him my license and registration without any issues.

He asked if my license was clean, and I said yes. I completely forgot about the seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier because I wasn’t thinking of that as part of my driving record.
He went back to his car, came back, and gave me a ticket for “speed not reasonable or prudent,” which, from what I understand, is a 3-point violation if I’m found guilty. However, he did not write the speed I was going on the ticket.

As he was handing me the ticket, he also thanked me for wearing my seatbelt and then said something along the lines of, “Make sure you tell your friends to wear theirs too.” That comment was completely unsolicited and kind of caught me off guard. I don’t know if he was referencing the seatbelt ticket he had just seen when he ran my information or if it was just a generic safety comment.

My appearance next week isn’t the actual trial, it’s basically an opportunity to negotiate the ticket with the prosecutor.
My brother thinks I should just go by myself because these negotiations are pretty routine. A traffic lawyer I spoke with, of course, thinks I should hire him and have him come with me.

I’m trying to decide whether it’s worth paying for an attorney or if this is something people typically handle on their own.

For those who have gone through this in New York:

Is it common to negotiate these tickets yourself?
Does having a seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier make the speeding negotiation any more difficult?
Is there any significance to the trooper’s comment about the seatbelt, or am I reading too much into it?
Would you hire a lawyer for a situation like this, or save the money unless negotiations fall apart?

This is in Kent, New York.

I’d appreciate any advice from people bwho’ve been through the NY traffic court process.

Looking for advice on whether I should bring a traffic lawyer to a ticket negotiation in NY.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, which I already pled guilty to.

Then, about two weeks later, I got pulled over by a NY State Trooper on the interstate. He told me I was doing over 80 in a 65. I handed him my license and registration without any issues.

He asked if my license was clean, and I said yes. I completely forgot about the seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier because I wasn't thinking of that as part of my driving record.

He went back to his car, came back, and gave me a ticket for "speed not reasonable or prudent," which, from what I understand, is a 3-point violation if I'm found guilty. However, he did not write the speed I was going on the ticket. 

As he was handing me the ticket, he also thanked me for wearing my seatbelt and then said something along the lines of, "Make sure you tell your friends to wear theirs too." That comment was completely unsolicited and kind of caught me off guard. I don't know if he was referencing the seatbelt ticket he had just seen when he ran my information or if it was just a generic safety comment.

My appearance next week isn't the actual trial, it's basically an opportunity to negotiate the ticket with the prosecutor.

My brother thinks I should just go by myself because these negotiations are pretty routine. A traffic lawyer I spoke with, of course, thinks I should hire him and have him come with me.

I'm trying to decide whether it's worth paying for an attorney or if this is something people typically handle on their own.

For those who have gone through this in New York:

• Is it common to negotiate these tickets yourself?
• Does having a seatbelt ticket from two weeks earlier make the speeding negotiation any more difficult?
• Is there any significance to the trooper's comment about the seatbelt, or am I reading too much into it?
• Would you hire a lawyer for a situation like this, or save the money unless negotiations fall apart?

Location: Kent, New York.

I'd appreciate any advice from people who've been through the NY traffic court process.

I shot my shot with a guy for the first time ever after he had been liking my Instagram stories for a while. We hit it off immediately. He asked for my number, and from day one the conversation was effortless.

For about the first week he was texting me constantly. If he couldn’t answer right away, he’d tell me he was busy at work and would get back to me. He works a physically demanding job and told me he isn’t usually on his phone much, but honestly you never would’ve known because of how consistent he was.

He was saying all the right things. He talked about looking for something serious, seeing potential between us, couldn’t wait to meet me, etc. We both agreed neither of us was looking for anything casual.

After about a week we finally went on our first date. We had dinner, talked for hours about our families and life, and the conversation flowed naturally. Toward the end of the night we made out (maybe a little more) and there was definitely chemistry. Before we left, he told me he wanted to see me again within the next couple of days.

I texted him afterward thanking him for dinner and telling him I had a great time. He responded. All was well.

The next morning he sent me a good morning text… and then everything changed.

Suddenly responses became much slower. Instead of minutes, it became hours. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him until the end of the workday, which was completely different from how he’d been communicating before. Then even after work he’d still take hours to respond.

The day he said he wanted to see me again came and went without him ever mentioning it. No other plans to hang out were arranged/discussed.

I asked him directly if something had changed or if he’d lost interest. Every time he reassured me that wasn’t the case. He’d tell me he was just busy and that if anything changed he’d be honest with me.

The only thing I asked from him was that if he knew he was going to be busy or unavailable, just let me know instead of leaving me wondering if I was waiting around for a text that wasn’t coming. He agreed… but never actually followed through.

Eventually I pointed out that he wasn’t doing what he kept saying he’d do. After that conversation, he disappeared for 10 days without responding.

At that point I assumed it was over, so I removed him from social media and started moving on.

A little while later he texted me, “You removed me hmm.”
I replied, “Lmfao what?” …and then he never answered.

From a guy’s perspective, what do you make of this?
Did I overreact by removing him after 10 days of silence? Was this just someone genuinely getting busy after the excitement of the beginning wore off? Or did his actions basically tell me everything I needed to know?

I shot my shot with a guy for the first time ever after he had been liking my Instagram stories for a while. We hit it off immediately. He asked for my number, and from day one the conversation was effortless.

For about the first week he was texting me constantly. If he couldn’t answer right away, he’d tell me he was busy at work and would get back to me. He works a physically demanding job and told me he isn’t usually on his phone much, but honestly you never would’ve known because of how consistent he was.

He was saying all the right things. He talked about looking for something serious, seeing potential between us, couldn’t wait to meet me, etc. We both agreed neither of us was looking for anything casual.

After about a week we finally went on our first date. We had dinner, talked for hours about our families and life, and the conversation flowed naturally. Toward the end of the night we made out (maybe a little more) and there was definitely chemistry. Before we left, he told me he wanted to see me again within the next couple of days.

I texted him afterward thanking him for dinner and telling him I had a great time. He responded. All was well.

The next morning he sent me a good morning text… and then everything changed.

Suddenly responses became much slower. Instead of minutes, it became hours. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him until the end of the workday, which was completely different from how he’d been communicating before. Then even after work he’d still take hours to respond.

The day he said he wanted to see me again came and went without him ever mentioning it. No other plans to hang out were arranged/discussed.

I asked him directly if something had changed or if he’d lost interest. Every time he reassured me that wasn’t the case. He’d tell me he was just busy and that if anything changed he’d be honest with me.

The only thing I asked from him was that if he knew he was going to be busy or unavailable, just let me know instead of leaving me wondering if I was waiting around for a text that wasn’t coming. He agreed… but never actually followed through.

Eventually I pointed out that he wasn’t doing what he kept saying he’d do. After that conversation, he disappeared for 10 days without responding.

At that point I assumed it was over, so I removed him from social media and started moving on.

A little while later he texted me, “You removed me hmm.”
I replied, “Lmfao what?” …and then he never answered.

From a guy’s perspective, what do you make of this?
Did I overreact by removing him after 10 days of silence? Was this just someone genuinely getting busy after the excitement of the beginning wore off? Or did his actions basically tell me everything I needed to know?

I don’t really know where else to post this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my sister-in-law lately.

She came to America when I was 9 years old. She was only 19, so basically still a teenager herself. I was SO excited that my brother was getting married. I remember seeing a picture of her before she came and thinking she was the prettiest person I’d ever seen. I even gave my brother an old-school picture of myself and a $5 bill to bring to her with a note telling her I couldn’t wait for her to come.

Shortly after she moved here, my mom started working evenings for the first time in my life (3pm–11pm), and my dad and brothers were always working. We lived in a big house, but for hours every day it was basically just me and my sister-in-law.

She became a huge part of my childhood.

We watched TV together, joked around, play fought, and just existed together. I remember one specific day she was saying she felt fat and ugly, and I was genuinely frustrated because in my 9y/o mind she was the definition of beautiful. She was tiny, wore a size 2, and I remember thinking, “Are you crazy? You’re gorgeous.”

Fast forward about 15 years…

I recently tried on some of her old clothes that no longer fit her, and I was criticizing my lower stomach, talking about how much I hated it. She looked at me and said, “Are you crazy? You’re so skinny.” (for reference, I am a size 4)

It hit me like a truck.

I had become her.

The exact same conversation happened, except our roles had switched.

What’s sad is that somewhere along the way our relationship completely fell apart. We argued constantly. It got so bad that my parents and I eventually moved out after my brother decided that was the best solution. There was over a year where we lived so close but would literally walk past each other and pretend the other person didn’t exist. The only thing we didn’t do was physically fight.

Things are much better now, especially after my nephew was born. I visit regularly again after a year, we’re kind to each other, and I genuinely care about her. But I also know we’ll probably never get back to what we had when I was a kid. I think we both keep each other at arm’s length now.
And honestly… I have a lot of regrets.

Not because I think everything was my fault, but because I miss what we used to be.

I think what’s hurting me most is realizing that some relationships don’t end, they just change so much that you end up mourning a version of them that’s gone forever.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Where someone was such a huge part of your childhood, things got really ugly between you, you eventually repaired the relationship, but it never quite returned to what it once was? Does that feeling ever get easier?

So I’ve known this guy for over 5 years. We met when I was in college because he was my plug 😭. I always had a huge crush on him, which he definitely knew. The only issue was he lived pretty far away, so when I was actually at school it was easier to see him.

We only hung out twice in person back then, and literally all we ever did was make out. Nothing more. I’ll be honest… it lowkey annoyed me because the chemistry was there and I thought something would happen, but it never did.

Fast forward to the past couple of years, we still randomly keep in touch. We flirt pretty often, and every few weekends one of us will mention hanging out, but it never actually happens. It’s always been one of those “we should link up” situations that never turns into anything.

Last night around 10 PM he texted me saying he’d be in my area. I basically just replied, “Okay, have fun.” He responded with “lol”… and then unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me as a follower. He did this once before when I left him on delivered.

I’m just confused. 😭 Why even reach out to tell me you’re in my area if you weren’t actually asking to see me? And why unfollow/remove me immediately after? Was he expecting me to invite myself? Was he offended by my response? Or is this just immature behavior?

From a guy’s perspective, what would you make of this?

I’ve (25y/o f) had an on-and-off situationship with a guy (26y/o m) for a few years, and for most of that time there was a significant amount of inconsistency. There were periods where he’d disappear, times where I later found out he wasn’t being honest with me, and a lot of mixed signals that made it nearly impossible to know where I stood.

There were events that seriously damaged my trust, and because of everything that happened, I eventually reached a point where I stopped believing his words and started assuming the other shoe would always drop. Even in attempts to block him/stop all communication- he would find someway of contacting me through social media message requests or no caller ID calls.

Fast forward to now, and his behavior feels completely different. He’s become much more verbally affectionate saying “we’ve been dating for years” “you’re my girlfriend” etc (extremely unusual for him as he has never even brought this up as a possibility), compliments me in ways he never used to, going out to eat and him paying for it, says things he never would have said before, seems more attentive, and even during sex his behavior felt much more intentional and emotionally connected than I remember. However, after I leave, I won’t hear from him until he somehow thinks of me and reaches out. I don’t know if this is just for sex because we don’t always have sex everytime we hang out.

The problem is that I don’t know whether I’m witnessing genuine growth, whether this is just a temporary phase, or whether my past experiences are making it impossible for me to trust what’s in front of me.

Has anyone experienced someone making this kind of shift after years of inconsistency? What ended up happening?

I’ve had an on-and-off situationship with a guy for a few years, and for most of that time there was a significant amount of inconsistency. There were periods where he’d disappear, times where I later found out he wasn’t being honest with me, and a lot of mixed signals that made it nearly impossible to know where I stood.

There were events that seriously damaged my trust, and because of everything that happened, I eventually reached a point where I stopped believing his words and started assuming the other shoe would always drop. Even in attempts to block him/stop all communication- he would find someway of contacting me through social media message requests or no caller ID calls.

Fast forward to now, and his behavior feels completely different. He’s become much more verbally affectionate saying “we’ve been dating for years” “you’re my girlfriend” etc (extremely unusual for him as he has never even brought this up as a possibility), compliments me in ways he never used to, going out to eat and him paying for it, says things he never would have said before, seems more attentive, and even during sex his behavior felt much more intentional and emotionally connected than I remember. However, after I leave, I won’t hear from him until he somehow thinks of me and reaches out. I don’t know if this is just for sex because we don’t always have sex everytime we hang out.

The problem is that I don’t know whether I’m witnessing genuine growth, whether this is just a temporary phase, or whether my past experiences are making it impossible for me to trust what’s in front of me.

Has anyone experienced someone making this kind of shift after years of inconsistency? What ended up happening?

Please helpppp !!!

I’ve had an on-and-off situationship with a guy for a few years, and for most of that time there was a significant amount of inconsistency. There were periods where he’d disappear, times where I later found out he wasn’t being honest with me, and a lot of mixed signals that made it nearly impossible to know where I stood.

There were events that seriously damaged my trust, and because of everything that happened, I eventually reached a point where I stopped believing his words and started assuming the other shoe would always drop. Even in attempts to block him/stop all communication- he would find someway of contacting me through social media message requests or no caller ID calls.

Fast forward to now, and his behavior feels completely different. He’s become much more verbally affectionate saying “we’ve been dating for years” “you’re my girlfriend” etc (extremely unusual for him as he has never even brought this up as a possibility), compliments me in ways he never used to, going out to eat and him paying for it, says things he never would have said before, seems more attentive, and even during sex his behavior felt much more intentional and emotionally connected than I remember. However, after I leave, I won’t hear from him until he somehow thinks of me and reaches out. I don’t know if this is just for sex because we don’t always have sex everytime we hang out.

The problem is that I don’t know whether I’m witnessing genuine growth, whether this is just a temporary phase, or whether my past experiences are making it impossible for me to trust what’s in front of me.

Has anyone experienced someone making this kind of shift after years of inconsistency? What ended up happening?

TLDR: I’ve been in an on-and-off situationship with someone for years who was historically inconsistent, dishonest, and left me with very little trust. His behavior has recently shifted in ways that feel much more affectionate and relationship-oriented, but because of our history I’m struggling to tell whether this is genuine growth or whether I’m overanalyzing a temporary change.