r/ToxicRelationships

So my gf posted something about thinking about breaking up with me on a subreddit and I found out even tho she has her account on private. (Breaking up with me cause we have a 3year age gap and I am coming to see her in a few month for the first time and she was asking if she should pursue this rls or not.)
And I didnt say anything innitially cause I promised her I wont bring up anything she posts because she is a bit sensitive about that.
But after a day of thinking I eventually asked her "Can I ask you a serious question" or "Can we talk about something serious" and all I got was - no
She just went on about "nono I dont wanna hear it" and "nono shut up"
Which made the impression to me like she didnt really care about my feelings.
After that - not my smartest decision - I asked her anyways, why she would post that and why she would think about a breakup only now even tho we have been together for 8 months now and stuff.
I was not using any mean words nor raising my voice and was relatively calm. She explained that she was just mad at me and thats all there is too it.
I just wasnt completely satisfied with that answer because she still did it and I would like for her to reassure me and stuff. Which I told her honestly and straight up. But all she did was continue to explain why she did it, like she didnt want to acknowledge my emotions (Its like this in every arguement we have).
Then she muted and threatened to leave if I dont stop.
I said if she could please just hear me out and listen to what I have to say. Which she didnt care about at all and she kept texting she feels uncomfortable and doesnt ever wanna talk about it and that I am the problem cause I was the one escalating it and breaking the promise (which I only found her post by accident) and that I am at fault for everything
After that I was trying to explain to her about how this all went wrong and tried telling her why we keep having this loop of blame and fights.
- She didnt listen at all
She was uncomfortable, I was "forcing" her to be here texting me and that I am 100% at fault.
Which I tried to explain and explain but she constantly interupted me and told me to shut up
and that she would leave the call
Then it ended with her speaking and screaming at me to tell me exactly whats wrong so that she can finally leave. And I said, I quote "THATS wrong" and she just left and ignored me ever since.
(We have a long history of fighting and it ALWAYS ends with me at fault and me having to make it up to her, without her even giving me an apology or anything of sorts)
She does not take blame for anything at all, always blames me, expects to be treated like a princess after trampling on me not even recognizing my minimums and is unwilling to discuss ANYTHING that could disrupt her peace.
I told her many times Idc about her posting and I respect the promise, but if its something that would threaten the relationship then I feel like I should bring it up, which just put me more at fault in her eyes.
Now I am asking, how can I resolve this, its always the same loop, and there is nothing coming from her side at all.
Please help

Gusto ko lang i-share yung sitwasyon ko ngayon.
My boyfriend has cheated on me more times than I can count. I know it sounds foolish to stay in such a toxic relationship, but I did. I kept forgiving him because I loved him and hoped he would change. Every time I caught him, even just flirting on social media, I gave forgiveness again. But each time, I felt myself growing numb, like I was slowly losing the ability to care and just accepting that this is who he is.

The truth is, I still love him, but not the person he is now. I think I only love the version of him I first knew.

Just recently, I discovered his hidden TikTok dump account. I saw him liking posts of someone I know are his “type” and even messaging them “Hi crush.” What surprised me was my reaction. Instead of exploding like before, I just laughed bitterly, felt annoyed, and shook with anger, but I didn’t go crazy. Maybe my body has finally accepted that this is just how he is.

Whenever I confront him about things like this, he tells me it’s just my insecurities and that I shouldn’t be jealous. But the attention he gives to others online, the flirty messages, the gaslighting, it all proves how manipulative he is.

I’ve wasted almost three years tolerating his behavior. I’m scared to start over, but I realize it’s even scarier to stay in a relationship like this. It still hurts, but I feel like there’s nothing more I can do.

Here’s my dilemma. He doesn’t know I have access to that TikTok account. We also use Life360, and I’ve asked him to uninstall it, but he refuses. Should I be the one to uninstall it first? I don’t want to feel like I have to monitor him anymore. I want to free him to do whatever he wants, and I want the same freedom for myself. By the way, we live together right now.

I’m confused and exhausted. What do you think I should do?

after 22 months of dating, giving him millions of chances to change , he failed and i can’t keep forgiving him forever. he used to beat me, cheating and micro cheating, talk shit about my caste, my appearance, and the main reason is he was a big people pleaser, he would do anything to satisfy his friends and weed was the actual problem. his brain is totally damaged bc of weed and his friends are the worst. i couldn’t take this anymore cuz he wanted to be a good friend but never cared about being a good boyfriend and i’m on antidepressants so it was getting very difficult for me. i still love him but i left him for our own good. he said he loved me but his actions never did.

​I just need to type this out because I feel completely numb. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I stood by him through financial ruin and I was his rock when his brother passed away.

​A few months ago, he cheated. I forgave him because I was in love and believed his promises. But a few days ago, during a stupid argument, he hit me. He knew everything about my past, that I grew up in a violent household and that my biggest goal in life was to escape that chaos. He always swore he’d never hurt me. Now, looking at him just makes me sick.

​I am done. I’m packing my things and leaving, but the financial reality of it is terrifying. I have a job and I’m looking for a second one, but saving up for a deposit and rent on a single income feels almost impossible right now.

​I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud to realize it's real. I am starting over from zero.

I 17(F) and my bf 19(M) has been in a relationship for around 1.5 years . I am asking him to let me breakup with him for the last 6 months . He just wont leave me alone . He disrespects me verbally , doesn't care about my consent and my career . He just wants my whole attention even if it means sacrificing my career for him . The relationship is draining my mental energy everyday . When I ask for a breakup he starts to blackmail me , threatens to leak our photos ( not inappropriate ones , but still enough to ruin my reputation) and even tries calling my parents to tell them the truth knowing they will never be okay with me being in a relationship. I just want an end to this no matter how.

I’m a 33 F dating a 42M and we’ve only been seeing each other for about 40 days, but it already feels emotionally exhausting and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or seeing legitimate red flags.

From the beginning he’s been very insecure. He constantly says things like “I’m not good enough for you,” questions whether I really like him, and gets weird whenever I do normal social things with friends. There have already been multiple instances of him ghosting/silent treatment behavior when he feels insecure or threatened. He also got oddly intense about location sharing early on, which made me uncomfortable.

The confusing part is that he’s also very attentive in other ways. He buys me flowers every couple weeks, plans dates, wants to see me basically every day, and clearly likes me a lot. So part of me keeps wondering if he’s just emotionally wounded/anxious versus actually toxic.

But lately I’ve started realizing the relationship feels centered around HIS emotions constantly. He rarely asks what’s going on with me emotionally. Meanwhile, my life has actually been really stressful recently — my sister/best friend just moved 6 hours away so I suddenly feel very alone at home, and my dog has been having multiple seizures which has been terrifying and emotionally draining.

Instead of support, two days before HIS birthday he had another insecurity spiral and basically tried to break up with me during an emotional episode. I finally snapped and said “fine, let’s end it then.” Now he’s completely backtracking and acting like he didn’t mean it and wants to work it out.

I feel bad because I know insecurity can come from past hurt, but I’m also sitting here thinking… it’s been 40 DAYS. This already feels like so much emotional labor and instability this early on.

Would you consider this a major red flag? Or is this salvageable if someone is otherwise caring and consistent?

my bf is an abuser (physically, verbally, emotionally and mentally). everytime i come up with how bad i feel bc of his behaviour, instead saying sorry accepting his flaws he starts saying “you also did wrong to me at some point”. i mean bro wtf do you mean? you literally choked me to death, how does it even be compared! okay so he cheated, abused and still do it, lied and i’ve forgave him a million times just to get treated like shit every time. what should i do?

Like the title says - I am essentially begging everyday for my toxic ex to take me back. She has cheated on me for around 1.5 years, constantly lied, has no friends or family, has no social life, and has been manipulative to me, all my family and friends dislike her... But she seemed like she has moved on and it seems wants nothing to do with me. I unveiled their mask and that’s when she wanted to have a new life. She were also stealing from her family.. I didn’t even have a fun time with her most of the time.

But most days and nights I’m sitting here in depression even after 4 months because I still want her back. Even if she lies to me, belittles me, cheats on me, manipulates me, I still want her back. We’ve been inseparable for 5 years and all of a sudden she’s dating other people. I can’t seem to move on.

I’ve had other relationships where I moved on easily without trouble, but this one hit like a truck. I’ve been dating other women but I’m bored…? It’s like I want them to be mean to me. My life has been depression since she left.

I (22F) am angry because my sister’s (19F) boyfriend (19M) is, in my opinion, a cheater.

So, my little sister’s online boyfriend was caught secretly texting another woman. My sister and her boyfriend had been talking on several platforms, one of these being TikTok. To my sister’s knowledge her boyfriend only had one account, but she later found out that he had two. This second account had my sister blocked, preventing her from stumbling upon it on her own. However, this attempt of concealing it was thoroughly wrecked when he accidentally liked one of my sister’s TikToks with the other account. This second account had been messaging another woman who wasn’t my sister, conflicting with the fact that my sister and her boyfriend have been dating for the past 6 months. This other girl was following the account and when my sister contacted her personally she revealed that she and my sister’s boyfriend had been flirting over text for a while. All of this taking place while he was still dating my sister. When my sister dug further she ended up finding even more accounts belonging to her boyfriend.
When confronted, his argument was that he wasn’t cheating because he simply wanted to know if he liked to be “dominated” by a woman. This lines up with the fact that my sister told me that he used to listen to “Mother ASMR”(synonym for mother) early into their relationship. Supposedly he has since stopped. But he was still texting the other woman messages like these:

Boyfriend: “Mummy, I will brb if I'm allowed permission.” 

Other woman: “Yes baby, you are allowed”

Boyfriend: “Thanks Mummy, I will try to be quick for u”

Other woman: “Good boy”

These are direct quotes. When my sister found out she came to me, crying.

When my sister exposed him and told him that she would tell the story to the world, his initial reaction was that he could get more followers on social media. My sister felt like she was just an object for his entertainment, like she was a toy that got switched out.

As her big sister, I believe that this is blatant cheating or at the very least toxic behavior. My sister is good-hearted by nature and is considering forgiving him, thus not breaking up with him. I don’t want her to end up in a relationship where transgressions like this are easily forgiven. So here’s my question to you, Reddit:

Is it wrong for me to be calling my sister’s boyfriend a cheater for essentially living a double life online? Or does he deserve forgiveness?

I used to be much more laid back, social, and emotionally available.

Now I analyze everything to death, avoid difficult conversations and am always mentally drained for no reason.

I hadn't even realized how much the relationship was affecting me until recently.

Has anyone else been in a toxic relationship where you slowly lost parts of yourself?

We were living together until a few days ago. Things had already become toxic, confusing, emotionally exhausting. Then come back saying he loved me and missed me. Constant push and pull.
Recently we decided to take a week apart. He told me he was staying with his father in Italy ),we spent the night toghetherkissinh hugging he was oberato romantic and loving, then he left to go to his father; sent me updates all day, talked about trains, football matches with his dad, told me he loved me, swore multiple times he wasn’t anywhere else.
Something felt off in my gut.
I asked for a picture and realized the background showed a famous building in Valencia, Spain.
He had been lying to me the entire time while reassuring me and making me feel crazy for doubting him.
When I confronted him, he said he lied because “I would have stressed him otherwise.”
I feel completely shattered. Not just because of the defenetly possible cheating, but because I don’t even know what was real anymore and how to know the the truth, i want to know . I’m replaying 6 years in my head wondering how many times I ignored my intuition.
What hurts even more is that while I’m here unable to sleep, barely eating, obsessing over every detail, he’s probably out there partying, following random girls, living normally like I meant nothing.
How do you cope with the feeling that someone you loved deeply might have been emotionally manipulating you for years? And how do you stop obsessing over what they’re doing right now?

People call it chemistry, closure, unfinished business, or “not being over it.”
Sometimes it’s just a refusal to accept that the pattern is the relationship.

What actually makes someone finally walk away from the loop?
And why do so many people wait for pain to become unbearable before they change anything?

Hallo. Ich möchte etwas dazu erzählen. Ich bin seit ca. 4 Jahren in einer Beziehung. Sehr viele Versuche, ihn zu verlassen sind gescheitert. Er schafft es immer wieder mich zurückzukriegen. Ich möchte das nicht mehr. Mein ganzes Nervensystem ist am Ende. Ich weiß nicht, wie ich ihn verlassen oder Abstand gewinnen kann. Da wir nicht zusammen wohnen, wäre eine Möglichkeit, mich einfach nie wieder zu melden. Er weiß natürlich, wo ich wohne und arbeite, ich glaube, er hätte keine Scham mich auf der Arbeit zu kontaktieren. Ich weiß nicht, wie ich gehen soll. ich habe keine große Angst vor ihm, aber Angst, alleine zu sein, nie wieder jemanden zu finden (Er hat mein Selbstwert komplett zerstört) und was danach passieren könnte. Gespräche helfen nicht. Ist es also fair, mich einfach nicht mehr zu melden?

i need outside perspectives please….
my boyfriend and i just broke up because he kicked my door in and trashed my place without me being present. i understand it’s all fucked up but why does my brain still miss/want him back after something so horrible can be done to me? like seriously what is wrong w me and how do i stop feeling this way? i think im under reacting towards the entire situation compared to others.
thanks in advance!

I (18F) and my gf (19F) kind of got into a fight last night. I compliment her excessively ALL the time, I clean her room and make her bed every time I stay over, I write her sweet notes, I text her first and multiple times throughout the day while she leaves me on delivered for hours and says she’s “busy”, etc. However, she rarely compliments me and when she does it’s when have to pry it out of her by asking “do you think I look pretty today?” And I’ll get a “yeah” most of the time. So I communicated that I would appreciate if she complimented me more because it makes me feel appreciated.

She proceeded to say she’ll compliment me when she wants and feels like it, that she doesn’t because she “hates repeating things” and then said when I compliment her all the time it’s annoying. She also told me that there’s just “more important things we could be talking about” even though complimenting someone is such a minimal effort? What she said just made me question if my needs will ever be met and if I should leave. She also mentioned that’s not her love language, but shouldn’t that mean how I love her should be in HER love language and how she loves me should be in MINE to make both of us feel appreciated and loved? Is this something to break up over?

P.S. before anyone says anything, I spent hours communicating about this and she refused to hear me out. All she would say is she knows how I feel and she’s sorry but she can’t and won’t do it anyways.

Just like it says. He steals money, nail files, tools, and tweezers literally steals anything and everything from me. Oh, and he also likes to accidentally put bleach spots on my clothes. He hoards his own tools but needs to take from me. He never provides financially. The money he gets he spends solely on himself. He buys hot wheels and Pokémon but fuck if he could buy groceries. His mom just bought him a car. She also pays his insurance and phone and anything else he needs. He spends a lot on court costs because he can't stay out of trouble (his mom pays for most of it) he truly only cares about himself and his needs. Everything is done on his timeline. If its 2 am, he'll be the loudest he can be just out of spite. he is a compulsive liar. Everything is a lie. Everything. He hates me but im not aloud to leave because he doesn't want his kid to grow up like that but having 2 parents who hate each other in the same home is better.

Edited to add: when I was 2 months postpartum, he threw out one sock out of each pair of mine. He left our 2 year old in a car at night in a bad neighborhood while he went in a store. A cop happened by the car, which resulted in a cps visit. I also had 2 friends at 2 different times found our kid in the car alone while he was in a store. Our kid pooped in his diaper at 2 years, and he smacked his butt so hard. Both cheeks had bruises, then told me "well he still loves me. He told me"

My ex and I broke up two saturdays ago. We’ve dated consistently for a year and a half after he got out of jail. Before that, we dated for a month or so. He’s blocked me before but has always unblocked me to look at my stuff. He blocked me on that Saturday. The next day it showed “Instagram User” and no profile photo for our chat in our DMs and it stayed that way until Wednesday when it repopulated his Profile pic and Name in my dms. When I click on it, it still says “user not found”. Then yesterday morning and this morning it went back to “instagram user” and no profile picture. After a refresh it brings his name back but no profile picture and after one more refresh, it brings back everything and stays that way until the next morning. This is the first time he hasn’t unblocked me to watch my stories but our break up was pretty bad. Does anybody know what this could mean? Could he be unblocking me to lurk and then blocking me again after wards?

I (32) dated a meth addict (43) for almost three years. I have a couple posts about it in other threads so I'll try to keep it short. Basically we love bombed each other and I got hooked early on. Its likely I have BPD or some other obsessive disorder bc he became what they refer to as a Favorite Person.

Anyway, he assured me his drug use was casual and that he wanted to quit someday as it affected his life. The more I got to know him the more I realized he was a gooner which kind of excited me cuz I have a super high libido when I'm in love and like to be sexualized by my partner. Our relationship was turmultous from the beginning but I believed that if our relationship just became solid enough he would eventually delete his exes and stop needing to watch so much porn and get sober. It affected his libido greatly he had ED problems but I tried to not let it affect my feelings too much tho it did.

I was happy to dress up in the clothes he liked and appeal to his kinks. I can't remember a time I said no to him and I myself would come up w ideas for us. But the longer we were together he still talked to his exes and still had phone backgrounds of other women. He would randomly mention how hot other rail thin women were. It turns out he's not actually a sex addict he's a porn addict and it constantly would ruin my birthday and other holidays. Even tho I made all of his birthdays special. I would dress up for him and we would go to concerts or festivals but he would point out 3-4 other women who were hotter/thinner and then get upset at me for being deflated. I admit it would make me explosive and I would go days of being mad and running him down. He would apologize and we would make up until he did it again or I checked his phone and found the next girl he was talking to.

Anyway long story short I endured 3 years of begging for him to just prioritize me and get clean but he would ditch me last minute to do speed and goon and tell me my feelings don't matter and he would never care about them during arguments. Despite that we formed an insanely deep bond and I haven't seen him in 6 months but I still think about him almost every day. I miss rubbing his back and packing his lunch and spending time with him. I even dated someone else for a few months and it didn't work out bc I couldn't get over the ex and give myself entirely to the new relationship despite how well he treated me.

I fantasize about us getting back together and him going to rehab for me but it's literally never going to happen. I just looked up his reddit finally (surprisingly) and found all his comments on other hotter women back when we were officially together and comments on meth forums about how it hasn't affected his life. (He lost custody of both kids) I can't understand why I can't let him go when he clearly only pretended to give a shit about me. The times that were good were so intoxicating it almost was like being an addict myself. I can't seem to let my guard down w men now and I'm not even interested in casual sex or anything at all anymore. I pretty much just work and go home and try to avoid the men at work and in my life. Like should I just go out and sleep with other men to feel better or just keep being a shut in? I had to get back on ssris but they have just continued draining my personality.

This is my first time posting on here, so bare with me. I (18F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about 7 months now; we can call him Luke (fake name). His family has become involved. Okay this sounds like such a nonissue starting out but I genuinely have no one else to talk to. We met on a dating app and have pretty much been together since then; and things have been good for the most part. He’s much more
experienced than me when it comes to intimacy (bodies in the double digits) and oftentimes speaks over me, interrupts, and calls me names as a “joke”. However, I love him very much and he drives me places since I don’t have my license, buys me almost anything (even if I don’t ask), and is usually super sweet. But lately things have been going south, he’s been making racist jokes, saying that he hates women and feminists, and calling me stupid and just overall saying some untasteful things as well as wanting to become a police officer- which bothers me VERY MUCH considering how I was raised and how much i hate republicans, conservatives, and cops. He’s aware of that and we’ve been fighting almost every day about it. What makes things complicated is that yesterday I pretty much ended things but I was sobbing my eyes out and gave him a farewell hug. Since that he kind of just acted like we didn’t break up and told me how his parents were saying “politics is a stupid reason to break up” even though it’s so much more than that and they asked him if they could win me in the “divorce” and if they could just trade kids with my parents, which i’m sure hurt him pretty bad. I’ve also become semi friends with his schizophrenic sister and she was also yelling at him telling him to get back with me. Then he told me all of that then asked if we could possibly try again in 6 months, i said maybe. That quickly turned into the breakup being a break and us going to a magic the gathering tournament this friday. About an hour ago he asked me why i seem so unhappy with him and I told him it was because of the belittling me and that I wanted him to be more considerate of my feelings. That obviously struck a nerve with him bc he went off saying that I was trying to change who he was with PARAGRAPHS upon paragraphs and ended it with saying “either we stay together, you leave, or you can keep trying to control me and you’ll watch painfully as i slowly love you less and less.” verbatim. I’m leaving out a lot of the stuff hes done bc I don’t want to paint him as a bad guy. I love him so so much but I don’t know if it’s worth it considering how upset he makes me so regularly, but I also don’t want to regret it. Should I end it or stay with him? I’m stuck.