r/ToxicRelationships

Hello, i am 22M (Avoidant) and my girlfriend/ex/situationship is 23F (Anxious). I need some advice. The problem statement is i believe that i have FOMO.

So, backdrop - It is my first real relationship. Other than other “Flings”, it is the first one that actually went somewhere and the first one whereby i had my first time and everything with her. We have been together for 1.3 years. We met at work and within sometime, i began to get emotionally invested. I asked her out seriously after 9 months and i get rejected hard. We were talking and video calling daily. We then get to work together on a project whereby i got to know that she had been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My whole understanding changed. One thing led to another, we kissed and she broke up with her bf. It took a very long time for me trust her again. And we did the deed. It was her first time too.

Over the course of our relationship, we have broken up 2 times subsequently. Once, i had FOMO about another girl whom i met after the rejection and i couldnt get out of my mind. But i chose my girlfriend and asked her back. Again, lots of trust issues. We went on a trip to turkey together with nobody knowing we went together. We solo travelled and been sneaking out a few times. The last time, we broke up again because of how sour the relationship turned for me whereby i was being put on a pedestal. I was tiring myself and felt that i cannot reciprocate to the degree to which she is invested in me. Now, we have talked after the breakup. We have been talking and chilling. We have always changed post a break up because it is just a waste of time if we get back on same terms. This is what we are assessing at the moment.

Another background information that i believe to be relevant is that in most of my other flings, i was attracted to the idea of them. I never got the courage to ask out and stuff and i am genuinely confused. All of the previous ones, at the beginning, i am very anxious. I want to earn that feeling. I want to do things to get it. I want to be validated by them saying yes and i am very desperate. By here, the power balance shifted after getting together. I was being put on a pedestal and i felt overwhelmed. But i realised that those are deactivating strategies from the book “attached”.

Furthermore, given my childhood which was quite traumatic, i have never seen or known what it is to be in love. The word “love”, i do not have a real way to understand it. Because, i am quite sure she loves me. By the way she acts, talks and do things with care. I also do things with care. Sometimes, i am very honest just so that she knows what she is getting into. Like, i have no idea if i love her. Based on our recent conversation, it is quite direct that i cannot reciprocate her feelings to the same degree. For instance, she will say she misses me and it is visible through the tight hugs. But i am unable to miss that much. I only feel sad when she is leaving to another country or is leaving. But if we are in a small country with not much distance. I used to see her daily at work. I dont feel as if i miss her that much. From my dates, i like spending time with her. I feel comfort in doing so. But i am unable to imagine a future. Why? Because i have no idea what that would look like. She for instance said she would love to cook with me or watch tv. These are very mundane for me and therefore, i am asking whether that is not the case for me? I tend to be very independent whereby i can cook for myself but i love trying to connect and spend time with people in general. Not general, i mean, i choose people very carefully and those i choose, i like spending time with. But i am not certain how to envision my future in a healthy relationship and i also often question whether what we have is a healthy or unhealthy relationship? A trauma bond? While i am sure we can work it out by learning to adapt. I have become much much softer as a person while learning that with her. I have huge FOMO on what if i am wasting our time. Or i am trying to sabotage it? 

I had other romantic interest from my past which i have been trying to get over. She is someone who also seems to have an interest in me but sometimes doe not. I never asked her out. Once in while, she just texts me and i feel the intense anxiety of having to think on what do i text back?  

In comparison, i trying to imagine love with them but i have no idea. Now that i have been in a relationship, i do not know what is love. What happens after i get them to say they like me. Is it flat? Are you supposed to feel fuzzy with them? I am unsure whether i can even feel those. They say love is to choose someone daily. How you know you are making a right choice and not the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship.

I am mostly looking for answers from other males and avoidants if any. Fearful avoidants would be great. How does love look like? Is it always intense? I am a very independent and career oriented person and given my middle eastern type of upbringing, i would say that women would just be supporting character. But in fact, they are not. So, how do envision and how to know what i need to look for?

This is such a long story. I'm just going to share the recent communication I just received from someone I've been seeing for almost a year. He has been without a vehicle/transportation for almost a year. From the beginning, I did notice a few red flags, when I would set boundaries or set my limitations with him, he would get irritated and would respond with a "look" of how do you even have the audacity to ask that? For a whole year practically he has been without a vehicle, I pay the rent all bills etc, and haven't asked him to pay for anything other than need gas money on occasion,another long story. The first 3 months I gave him a ride to work in the morning and would pick him up after work everyday of the week. I work full time. Off on weekends. On my Sunday's off, I would drive him to his mother's so he could look after her and then I would either stay there or pick him up later that evening. Here it is almost 1 year later, he's trying to get a job now but as usual the transportation is falling all back on my shoulders. Again this is a long story, but I just need to vent because my anxiety has gone through the roof since I've been dating him. He also has controlling type issues as well. He has these expectations of me to stay up late and to sit after I've worked all day and work on business stuff etc "for our future" etc. Which I can appreciate, but I need my rest. So I'm called lazy and whiny etc. Fast forward to today, I just took him to his mom's last Sunday and then took off Monday afternoon so he could go get his drug screen etc, and now the issue is I told him today I can't be giving him a ride to and from work 7 days a week. I told him I could do five...I wish he wouldve found a job closer, I have severe ADHD and I'm not trying to make excuses, and I know I can do a lot better on many of my goals, but sometimes he's just so cold to me and he could care less that I cry which he sees and hears. I just can't seem to ever meet his performance expectations on many levels. Not too long ago he asked me tell me what you've done for me? I said I've been loyal to you I love you I've been taking you to your mom's every Sunday for almost a year. His response was you act like you need a badge for that or something. He says he would only need about a month or more maybe two at the most of me taking him to and from work, and I know that it's only temporary, I just wish there was someone else that could help out and that he didn't always put the transportation on my shoulders. I mentioned him trying to get an Uber a few days out of the week and he looked at me like I was nuts. Please see text in "quotes" below he just sent me and let me know your thoughts. I appreciate any advice I'm also open to criticism, I truly want to be there for him as much as I can, I just feel so wiped out after trying to meet his needs for almost a year, and he still isn't happy with me. I currently am in therapy. I do struggle with seeking validation, etc. I am also a people pleaser type as well. Here is what he sent me by text earlier today::::: ▶️"I feel just like your suv,you use and abuse it. Dog it out no matter with all the warning and signs you just ignore it. Then when things fall apart you want to Blame life and how hard things are when you have every opportunity to make things better.

The man in me saw this and wanted to fix it.

But logic says why? Why fix something you're not allowed to use? Why help someone that isn't trying to help you?

You've proven to me time and time again that I can't rely on you. All you want to do is sit around and do nothing to make your life better.

You expect credit when you do something that 9 times out of 10 needs to be done anyway!

You have been your own downfall from day one with your control and limitations. You're a bare minimum person and never exceeds for greatness.

So this is my conclusion if they say they need me 7 days a week I will go elsewhere to make sure I can get there and move forward without you.

If they allow me to work 5 days a week then we'll see how well you can handle that much without crying about it.

Other than that you've left me no choice but to move forward without you. With you I can't do nothing and you refuse to do anything above and beyond, just mediocre and complain about your own doing.

Here's a realistic fact!

In 7 weeks less than 2 months I could have the truck fixed and food in the house. Put gas in your car which puts a little extra money in your pockets.

Because you're helping I also HELP get your suv back up to par before you destroy it by ignoring the dashboard.

You say you just want me not my money when in reality We both know you want the money as well. If not just the money.

Because I pleasure myself for a lil over a month. I clean up after you I cook for us. I do everything for myself. I get my truck I even take myself every time I need to be.

Then what?

The only thing I get from you is arguing and talking bout you. Nothing positive no goals. Just dwelling in negativity.

7 weeks less than two months to make life easier.

Or do nothing !

Lose a good man And struggle. How long do you think your car is going to last by the way you're treating it?

Then what back to doing things to make ends meet again? Smh Your choice Let me know when I get there or before.

But you need to wake up."

I 24F and my partner 24M have been together for almost 7 years.

We met online and through mutual friends and we started dating quite fast. We moved in together after 7 months due to the pandemic.

Our relationship was amazing, we did activities together, we talked all the time, cooked together, played games and overall just enjoyed being with one another.

Our issues started after his mom passed suddenly in the night 2 years into our relationship. It was devastating, I had connected to her and truly loved her. His family fell apart after that. It's been 4 years and they still do not talk to each other (there was lawyers involved and threats made between his family and it crumbled). I do not think he full grieved given the timeline of events as it was BOOM one after another.

We got engaged a year after the events and have been growing our furry family since, we have two rescue dogs and two rescue cats. Now for context I have struggled with mental health my whole life, I have seen psychologists, therapists, doctors, and psychiatrists since I was 6 years old. I have always owned my own struggles and am still taking medications and going to therapy as I want to be the best version of myself especially now that I have young nephews to watch out for.

My partner does not believe in therapy. He consistently makes the judgement that it "doesnt work" and that it is a "waste of time". Over the last 4 years our relationship has crumbled as well. He no longer talks to me, we no longer go on dates, or do activities together willingly. My partner and I both work 5 days a week, we have one vehicle (mine) and I work 20min away so I use it daily. We split rent, he pays my car loan, I pay the car insurance, I pay the home insurance, we split the vet bills, we split gas and groceries depending on what week it is (I get paid one week and he the next). We also break up utilities and he pays wifi and power one month and I the next.

I have a group of work friends that I enjoy to go out with and I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I am away from him.

We fight constantly, days without talking, he ignores me, only ever wants to play games with his cousin online, spends money on frivolous games, snacks, smokes the devils lettuce and does whatever he wants. We havent been intimate in a year and a half because I am so sad and feel like that is all he cares about, as he often brings up bjs and hand jobs which he knows I am uncomfortable with, and how we dont do it anymore. We dont even cuddle. I dont even feel anything for him laying next to him.

We cannot even have a basic conversation, I bring up basic home chores that need to be done or things he promised to do, or just about basic budgeting and finances and he flips. He shuts down, lies to me about doing things and raises his voice at me. This causes me to shut down or on the now rare occasion I would also raise my voice, which I have not done in a long time because I just dont care anymore.

He gets mad that I no longer cuddle him or have sex with him, he doesnt like when I call him out on his shit. He likes to act like a toddler when he gets mad. Slamming cupboards, walking away, and playing on his phone. When I try to have a conversation with him he ignores me or disregards my feelings. He claims he "blanks out" and that he "cant think" of a response, or if he does think of a response he only says "okay" "I dont know" "my mind is empty".

We had a falling out last christmas, where I gave him the ultimatum to either go to therapy or leave. He said he would try therapy. We started sessions in January this year, after the first 3 sessions I thought it was going well. But after the fourth session I noticed all he does is nod along and say he "doesnt know" to the therapists answers. He also was not even wanting to try the exercises she gave us. So I canceled it. Our insurance wasnt covering it and I was the only one paying for it.

I have been talking to my parents about this and they think I should leave him. I dont disagree with them. But I cant seem to bring myself to pull the trigger and say im done. I feel like it would be easier if he was the one to end it or even if he cheated on me at this point. I just dont know what to do.

I am a 33 years old male in the healthcare field for the past 5 years. AlhamduLeAllah when I was single I worked hard on myself to create a comfortable life and through successful investments I was able to achieve a lot of my financial goals earlier than I thought. One of my goals was to be financially comfortable being married so I can provide a comfortable life for my wife and kids in the future inshallah - AlhamduLeAllah I was able to achieve that.

After reaching that goal 2 years ago, I decided to get married to a woman I met at an Islamic event who is Algerian. She comes from humble background and I was attracted to her values, how she carried herself with respect and her beauty as well - at least that’s how she marketed herself to me. She had part time jobs and she made minimal income - I don’t care about that but it’s important for the context of the story.

One of my requirements was a prenup, which would have applied to any woman I wanted to marry, it’s not about her at all - she agreed and signed the prenup under the condition that it provides her protection incase of a divorce and I did that.

Since we got married, my wife decided to be a stay at home wife by her own choice. I told her I am able to provide $2000 a month in allowance, in addition to me being the main/only provider (that included mortgage, car, insurance, groceries, gas, clothing and every necessity of life).

That’s where the red flags start. I will only mention a few of many many red flags for you to get an idea and tell me your advice/thoughts. Here we go:

1. She starts to tell me how $2000 a month is not enough and they are “okay” but she will be “patient” which insinuates I am not successful enough in her eyes - which I find so demeaning and constantly weighed my mental health down. Keep in mind I don’t make any demands at all while she is at home, I never ask her to cook, clean, do laundry or anything - me intention is to make her life a very peaceful and comfortable life which I think she has been taken for granted given how easy I made things.

2. If there is a month I don’t pay her the allowance due to reasons beyond my ability or just send part of it depending on my expenses for the month, she starts to withhold emotions and act cold with me.

3. She has what I think is an unusual obsession with material things and money because they are brought up in literally every single conversation. I understand that people can like nice things which is normal, but I find her to have an unusual obsession with those things which are evident by her addiction to watching social media posts about influencers who promote this type of lifestyle, she herself doesn’t post anything and doesn’t have followers/following but she consumes this content a lot.

4. She has multiple times tried to use intimacy/sex to leverage a material gain such as a bag or an expensive item. I found that to be highly disturbing given that it happened 4 times, I told her about it and she said that she was joking and I always take things out of context.

5. She constantly makes comments that reflect her view on men and relationships and that without money men can’t have love or intimacy with a woman because what does a woman get in return (whaaaat) lol.

6. Every holiday, birthday, and anniversary she expects lavish gifts. I am talking $10,000+ bags and things like that. I was able to do that a couple of times (unfortunately) but I find it takes away the barakah and given that I am super money conscious I find it haram and unnecessary to spend that much money just to make someone happy. Especially that she knows how I work day and night to provide this life and how stressed I feel constantly. Now I have an anxious association with any holiday because I know I have to prepare big bucks to make her happy, I would rather invest this money.

7. Lastly, MY TRIGGER FOR THE DIVORCE: her birthday was 2 months ago in April. She has been nagging me for so long that she wants this specific bag that’s $12,000. Last minute she also decided to visit her Algerian parents who live in France for 6 weeks and expects me to magically fund that. I gave her a total of $16,000 for both her birthday and trip - thinking that would make her insanely happy and get off my shoulders. To be honest, that really financially overwhelmed me but I was excited to feel the peace after she leaves. Lo and behold, 15 days later she asks me for her $2000 allowance…… I told her that I am overwhelmed lately juggling many responsibilities and I won’t able able to send her monthly allowance this month, especially that my mom is sick and I have been taking care of her financially as well plus the fact that I gave my wife more than enough money for both her birthday and trip. She showed complete disregard to my mental wellbeing or even my mother’s sickness and just said a chore statement like “ok I hope you and your mom get better” and started to completely withhold emotions and act cold with me. When I talked to her about all the insane comments she makes, she deflects and denies every single one of them or just says “she is joking”.

Thats when I went off and asked for divorce. To clear my consciousness in front of Allah, I consulted with an imam, a relationship coach, 3 therapists (1 male Muslim, 1 female Muslim, and 1 female non-Muslim) all of which consistently told me that I am with a scammer and I need to leave as soon as possible.

I always dreamed of being the best husband ever to my wife and future kids. I never thought in a million years that I would be a divorced man, not that there is anything is wrong with that but I tried so hard to make this work and I can’t continue to deny the financial abuse over the past couple of years - this will be financially destructive to me if I continue, especially given that my financial progress in life slowed down significantly since I got married.

I would love to hear your advice and your opinion. Do you agree this is financial abuse and that it’s fair for me to seek divorce or am I overthinking because I am in an emotional state? Am I a bad husband or is what I am doing not enough? You can see how the constant lack of gratefulness from her side is impacting myself image and mental health.

Im sure there’s been countless posts like mine. But here it goes.

I’ve been seeing my ex in and off for the last 3 years. I’m not dumb I know he’s not a good partner. I don’t want to go into details but when we broke up it was because he was throwing things at me and stole my belongings in his car. Essentially I had to call the cops because he was violent as well. When I talked to him again after half a year he told me he had a court case against him for choking his ex.

I don’t know why I keep coming back to him. It’s addictive. I know he’s going to emotionally hurt me, but in my head I racionalize that because we weren’t dating whatever he did or whoever he did wouldn’t bother me. It was almost like a guard to protect me.
He would swear to me that he loved me and that he wanted to take care of me, even when we weren’t officially together. It’s important to note that because I was under the impression that he still wanted to be together, but I know I would yet again reject him.

However, this past weekend something changed. I’m not sure if it was spending so much time together or him taking care of me after surgery. But when I saw his messages to other people I got mad. I basically crashed out and went through his phone. He had sex tapes of other women, messaging them while him and I were in dates. He even tried to make a date with someone while I was with him, he lied and said he was going to his parents when I knew he wasn’t.

I will say he has asked me to be his gf again multiple times through the years, but I’ve repeatedly said no because I know how he is. But I always come back to him. Every time. Now it feels different, like I know he doesn’t prioritize me, which I know is wrong because we’re not together. But him saying all the things I want to hear maybe confused me.

I’ve been trying to go no contact but it’s so hard. I keep blocking and unblocking him every day. And I still call him at night sometimes.

How do I get over him? I’ve tried blocking, I’ve tried dating, I’ve tried distracting myself, journaling, going out. Everything. But nothing works. I know I don’t want to be in this cycle, but how do I stop it. How do I just forget a loser like him?

About our relationship: We were together for a couple of months, but we were well acquainted for over a year. He came to see me once, but we made plans to see each other again this month for my birthday.

I fell in love with him within a month and a half of us dating. He was very consistent, respectful, caring, and more. All of the sudden, he switched up on me completely and turned into a person who I never thought he could be.

We were also in an age-gap relationship. I am in my early 20s, he is in his early 30s.
—

I want to start off by saying that I do not have concrete proof that he has been unfaithful to me, but there were signs that I just couldn’t ignore. I’ll mention some of them.

The first sign was when he and I first started dating, he said to me out of nowhere that he needs me to be around as often as possible. He needs me to keep him occupied by being on the phone with him. He stated that he needed that from me because when he is by himself for too long, his mind starts to wander. And then he said next thing you know, he may text another woman.

When he said that to me, I asked him what is the point of us being together if that’s what he’s going to do. He expressed what I thought was regret and apologized for what he said, and he told me that he did not mean it like that. I feel that I should’ve left him right then and there, but I was not thinking straight.

I have been single for a long time, and I thought that this man was my person (from the ways things were moving so smoothly) so I was subconsciously letting things slide such as that conversation.

The second sign was that he would often project by constantly asking me if there was another man. He wasn’t okay with me going out because he didn’t like the idea of other men seeing me while he didn’t have access to me. Whenever I went out, it would be with family or female friends, but he would still ask if another man was there.

The third and final sign was that I allowed him to see my phone unprovoked. He never asked to see my phone—I simply showed it to him. But after a while, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore because I felt like I had given him all of me, yet I wasn’t getting that same openness from him. So I calmly asked to see his phone. I wanted him to share his screen, but he became aggressive with me. He went off on me and accused me of tricking him into showing me his phone by doing it first.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was projecting, and the reason he was projecting was because he was guilty. He could see that I was hurting. He could see that I was uncomfortable, and he could see that I deeply needed reassurance. But instead of comforting me and giving me what I needed to have peace, he responded with laughter and mockery. Then he threatened to end the relationship because I didn’t trust him. He turned it around on me. That was when I knew for sure that there was something going on.

If I were to tell you that I do not miss him and that I do not want to hear his voice again, I would be blatantly lying to you. I want to hear him lie to me one more time and tell me that he loves me. I want him to lie and tell me that he’s in love with me. I want him to lie and tell me that he cares about me and that I mean everything to him. I want him to hold me again while whispering lies to me about how much I mean to him. He made me feel desired when he came to see me, but it was all fake on his end.

The last thing I’ll mention is that he grew very impatient in such a short span of time. He wanted us to be intimate. He wanted to sleep with me. But I was holding off because I wanted to wait until marriage, and he also knew that he was supposed to wait until marriage. (We are Christians). But he couldn’t take it anymore, and that’s what I believe led him to cheat on me IF that’s what was going on.

So where I am right now is grieving. I am hurting, and the pain comes to me in waves because I deeply desire to be married. I deeply desire to have children. I deeply desire to be loved by a man—to be loved, desired, cared for, and cherished.

I wanted to share my story and seek help—not only on how I can move forward, but also to see if anybody can relate to my story. I am desperately seeking for community.

TL;DR: I need to hear opinions on whether or not I was being cheated on by my long distance boyfriend. I broke up with him before coming here. I just want to make sure I made the right decision.

Thank you all.

For about five years, I was in an on-and-off relationship with a man named Jay. Together, we went through an immense amount of hardship and pain. We endured homelessness, starvation, and the brutality of sleeping on concrete, and our relationship at times became physically abusive. We were both battling drug addiction, which heavily influenced our choices.

Eventually, Jay's frequent arrests caught up with him. During one of his last times in court, the judge gave him two options: serve a flat sentence of 11 months and 30 days, or accept a 5-year probation period with the condition that any violation would trigger a mandatory 5-year prison sentence. Even though we were entirely homeless, he chose probation. He claimed he did it because I wasn't there when he was arrested, we weren't able to say goodbye, and he couldn't stand the thought of me sleeping outside alone while he sat in jail. In reality, I believe he just wanted to get out so he could get high again. Once released, he failed to check in with his probation officer entirely. He ran from the police for about four months before they actually caught him and sent him down the road to serve the full 5-year prison sentence.

While he was locked up, I did my best to stay in touch and answer his calls, but my own life remained incredibly unstable and I was still homeless. About a year and a half into his sentence, I met somebody named Ray. We started seeing each other casually, but we didn't make a formal commitment because he was dealing with a chaotic situation at home trying to remove an ex from his house.

Three years into Jay's sentence, I ended up getting arrested myself and was sentenced to 11 months and 30 days. Near the end of my time, I received a letter from Ray. He explained that he had also just been released from jail, which was why he hadn't reached out sooner, and said he wanted to see me when I got out. He ended up losing his house and everything else because his ex filed a false police report against him. Because he was starting over in a new place, the coast was clear for me to move in with him.

Initially, the arrangement was just a way for him to help me get back on my feet so I could build a real life. However, within a few months, our connection grew, and Ray and I entered into a committed relationship.

...Here's where it gets a little sticky....

Now, Jay has about a year left on his sentence and has been transferred to work release. He's been calling me constantly, but I've been dodging his calls for days at a time because I don’t know how to tell him that I'm with someone else. It was never my intention to replace Jay. I love Jay to death, but I also love Ray to death, too. Even though both men have been unfaithful to me in the past, I choose to stay with Ray while continuing to speak with Jay whenever Ray isn't around.

Jay swears to God that he's a changed man, that he's done with drugs, and that he wants to build a sober life and a home with me. On the other hand, Ray takes care of me right now to the point where I don't even have to work. The bottom line is that I'm in love with two men, and I'm not ready to close the door on either of them.

I'm struggling to tell Jay the truth. I need him to understand that the only reason that I aligned with Randy in the first place is because I was left with absolutely nothing. When Jay went to prison, I was left to fend for myself on the streets, and it damn near killed me, but Ray saved my life. I want both of them, but I know neither would accept that.

I'm preparing to call Jay and tell him about my relationship with Ray and why I started living with him in the first place. . I want to wait until Jay is fully released to see if he can actually follow through on his promises of sobriety and a home. I can't blindly abandon the real stability and love Ray provides just to risk going back to Jay on blind faith because of all of his empty promises and lack of trying in the past. As addicts, we've been down this road before, and I've heard these empty promises too many times. I just need help wording this perfectly so he understands where I stand.

So I was watching a movie with my bf. He fell asleep. Then, his phone buzzed, I saw it was a message from his friend talking about me. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked what him and his friends were talking about. I saw a message from him that said “I’m tempted to cheat. Why couldn’t I find a girl like that 7 months ago? All my coworkers are starting to have a crush on me.” Then the friend said at least you have a gf like Alyssa. What should I do?

I desperately want a old girlfriend. I am 20 M. I want someone to connect with...someone who I can pamper. Who I can love...and could get back love and care in return too.

So me 37F and my bf 38M have frequent issues with him waking me up at random times or when he sees fit. Example: late nights (anytime of late night) he'll wake up from sleeping early and will wake me up and start talking... that didnt bother me much..at first. 2nd is he'll know I'm sleep and will damn near have his phone on blast while I sleep.. disturbing me. Like just a bunch of moments like that and I've asked several times to stop. Today hit its head... I've been going through some heavy things the last few days and just want to be able to rest without waking up early or disturbed. He makes a phone call around 9a and was a bit loud so when he finished I asked why didnt he go into another room since he knew I was sleeping. He said what did it matter because I was snoring but I clearly wasnt in that deep of a sleep to know his was otp. He also complains about my sleeping. Just found out my Vit D and iron is low along with a few other factors that cause me be always be tired. He complains I sleep too much or should be up by a certain. He'll make condescending comments like "what, you're just gunna sleep all day didnt you sleep all day yesterday etc etc. He gets irritated when I mention my issues which leads to unnecessary attitudes from us both. Am I too sensitive/a jerk? Or like wtf 😅😅 Idk what to do other than break up. I've tried many convos to no avail

Wrote on a phone, more of a rant if I'm honest but people respond if you can help 🥺

Venting not angry just exhausted with myself

So really, what I'm looking for is someone who has been married for years and years to tell me that everything is okay and some (praying for most but I'll take it) people really do never cheat.

Feel like I'm the toxic one but only in my head not with actions. I can't say this all to him again, he's already so patient and understanding. We've been over this but it doesn't matter, my brain won't stop. He's don't nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.

Hi, F23 been with my partner M23 for seven years this year. I love him so so much. We're both each others only person in every way, lived together since we were 18 got a dog, buying a house this year.

I love everything about him and it genuinely makes me cry sometimes when I think about how much I love him.

From my perspective he's obsessed with me, constantly touching me, reassured me, he's my rock, emotionally physically. He's perfect.

Now onto my question.

My family history is dodgy. And I mean, every single woman in my family (we are all girls, 13 in total, I'm the youngest girl out of all our cousins aunties ect) they're ALL married or dating to a man that cheated on her.

My partner's grandparents have the same love story as us, we connected so well... We found out he cheated on her when they were in their 40s.

My dad cheated on my mum, his dad cheated on his mum.

Yada yada yada.

I feel wrong for being so caught up in it all but I feel like I'm destined for him to cheat on me. I never control anything he does because I think that's a punishment for both of us and it would make me crazy. I don't have social media, he does. He goes out with friends ect. I have never had any reason not to trust him and I would never do anything to make his life harder or cause resentment.

But at the same point, I feel like it's inevitable that he will "slip up" or "make a mistake" or it's something with me and I should have been better.

I've started feeling weird about him going out, which is rare anyways because he's a home body. If he says something about a girl in work, it gets my back up. Again all internally because I don't want him to change anything. HES not doing anything wrong.

It impacts my decision for having kids mostly. I couldn't do it to someone else, the shit I had to see growing up. Cuddling my mum whilst she cried over and over, it being a constant conversation when all the women would come round to our house. My nan even told me when we moved out together that "he will leave you with a load of kids when he gets bored"

I'm trying not to listen to other people but when it's thrown in my face constantly by family, friends and the media it's so hard.

Why cheaters out there wanna make a claim? How did it feel those of you who were cheated on? Am I wrong and missing some nuance?

I was at the grocery store the other day. And these group of boys walked passed me and one of them started pretending to grab my ass and making noises as he passed by. Then the rest of them all laughed and started to do the same. When I turned around at the last one I told him to leave me alone and he said whatever b**** to me. My boyfriend saw the whole exchange and did nothing. I told him to go defend me and he refused. He said they were just admiring your body cuz you're hot and need to relax.I do not like to be objectified. my entire life people have made remarks on my body since I was 13 years old. It doesn't matter how I dress.

I am saying this here cuz I really need to vent it out .. Me and a guy started texting and speaking in instagram, we were just friendly ..one day while we were on a call in insta ,the connection was very bad and thts when he gave his number and made me call him ( I was a 2nd yr mbbs student that time , just fresh after passing first year) . I was really so naive tht time and didn't even think ,I am just sharing my number with him. He used to call me literally whenever he likes and will speak and speak .. it was all good and suddenly after 15 days , he proposed me ( kinda manipulated me and dumb me said yes )..Tht guy is a IT employee in Chennai. After somedays , I realized I was not in love with him ,I just saw him as a friend and finally decided to say that and end ...thts when the tragedy began .. he changed into some other persona ... guy was saying he is gonna faint ,calling me repeatedly.. putting stories for close frnds ( tht appears in green ) like suicidal reels etc etc ...tht night I picked up the call and he manipulated me saying he is going to die and made me stay again ....again some days passed and I couldn't, I somehow got the confidence and decided to be strong to say no ...Then happened the worst thing I could ever imagine I cried, begged to leave me .. he was tht crazy tht he would blackmail tht he is going to come to my college, come to my home , ask for justice cuz I said no ...I blocked him and he made a female frnd of him talk to me ... it was hell... thn suddenly he came to my college ( without saying anything) and torturing me to come and see him ,if not he will not leave ..I went he said sorry and let's end ...little did I know it was a trap... dude just texted me saying he is going to his native and pretending like nothing happened ( idk how to explain this ).. my college is very strict in these things and glad I didn't get caught..this really caused me a lot of trauma like wht if he comes back again ..due to this fear mi used to attend and speak whenever he calls me .. my 2nd yr exams came and I said don't disturb me till exam , he did but sent me a gift straight to my college ( I was at home for study holidays)...the fear and agony I had to go through was terrible.. long story short this dec 2025 ,he called me , I was already in a bad mood tht day and tht helped me blast at him , from tht day he didn't call or txt me ...but tht guy is soo unpredictable tht I fear he is gonna send me something for my birthday which comes in 15 days... I have my 3rd yr exams coming, I couldn't even concentrate on anything apart from thinking wht is gonna happen..plz help

TW🚨 Mention of SA
Alright… I’m here because I’m honestly embarrassed and don’t know where else to ask for advice. I can’t really talk to my family or friends because of the situation, so here I am. Sorry in advance—this is going to be long.
I’m 25F, and my ex is 25M. We dated on and off for about nine months, but we’d known each other for around a year.
From the moment we met, it felt like our souls recognized each other. I know that sounds dramatic, but I’ve never experienced a connection like that with another person. Being around him felt like home.
The reason that connection was so intense is because, about a year before I met him, I was brutally SA’d by a stranger. I was a virgin at the time because of my religious upbringing, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell my family. That experience completely changed me. I developed PTSD and severe anxiety, and I spent a long time trying to survive it alone because I felt like I had to keep it a secret.
To this day, my ex is the only person who’s ever been able to pull me out of a PTSD episode. His voice could calm me almost instantly. He would lock eyes with me until I came back to reality. It’s difficult to explain, but something about his presence grounded me in a way no one else ever has.
The problem is… he was also incredibly toxic during our relationship.
He had a lot of unresolved trauma from previous relationships, severe mental health issues that weren’t being treated, and I didn’t fully understand what I was dealing with at the time. He became emotionally abusive, relied on me financially, made me feel trapped, and cheated on me with multiple women. Finding out absolutely shattered me. Looking back, he displayed a lot of narcissistic behaviors, and being unmedicated only made everything worse.
Things eventually got so bad that I literally left the state and moved across the country by myself to start over with a new job. Around that same time, he ended up in jail on felony charges for crimes he committed while we were dating.
I completely cut him off and genuinely considered myself lucky that I escaped.
After I moved away, I started therapy and eventually dated someone else. He was genuinely a good man—kind, respectful, successful, and he truly wanted to support me. But I realized something that really messed with my head. Whenever I’d have a panic attack or PTSD episode, confiding in him actually made me feel worse. He treated my trauma like any other grief: something I’d eventually move on from if I stayed strong. His intentions were good, but it wasn’t what I needed.
What I needed wasn’t someone to tell me I’d be okay. I needed someone who could simply sit with me, stay calm, and help regulate my nervous system. My ex was the only person who could ever do that. His voice alone could bring me back down to earth. I know it isn’t fair to expect someone else to carry my trauma, but that difference made me realize how unique that connection had been.
Here’s what’s messing with my head.
Despite everything he did to me, my ex also helped me heal in ways no one else ever has. After the assault, he helped me reclaim parts of myself that I thought I’d lost forever. Our relationship was incredibly hot and cold. We loved each other deeply, but we were also two traumatized people who had absolutely no idea how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. He built me up in some ways and completely tore me down in others.
I knew I couldn’t lose myself to him again, so I stayed away. I poured everything into my career, built a new life, and on paper I’ve done really well.
But I still missed him.
Not the cruel, manipulative, cheating version of him. I missed the genuine version I felt connected to. I hated that I missed him, but I never stopped.
About a year and a half later, we reconnected.
From everything I’ve seen, his life is completely different now. He’s back in school, working, consistently taking his medication, living close to his family, and has repaired the relationships he destroyed with them. He stays away from partying and substances, gives back to his community, and has given his life to God.
What stands out most isn’t what he says—it’s how he says it. He doesn’t brag about changing. He’s genuinely remorseful. He’s apologized without making excuses. He no longer comes across as controlling or narcissistic. He honestly feels like a completely different person.
He told me he hasn’t stopped thinking about me since I left and that losing me forced him to confront the person he had become. I know that’s something a lot of toxic men say, so believe me, I’m skeptical too.
I’ve told him I can’t date him again.
But the truth is… part of me desperately wants to.
And I hate that.
I want to stop loving him. I want to stop missing him. I want the answer to be obvious, but it isn’t.
The biggest problem is that the damage wasn’t just between us. He burned every bridge imaginable with my family and closest friends. They watched me go through hell because of him. Even if he spent the rest of his life being a genuinely good man, I don’t think they’d ever be able to forgive him.
I’ve also realized that when my PTSD flares up now, I find myself talking to him again because his voice and his presence still calm me in a way no one else’s can. That’s the part that scares me the most. I can’t tell whether that’s because he truly is my safe person, or because my brain has become attached to him through trauma.
So I guess that’s why I’m here.
Has anyone actually seen someone change after being this toxic? Is it possible to separate who someone was from who they are now? Or am I confusing healing with a trauma bond because he was the person who helped me survive after my assault?
I genuinely don’t know what to do. All I know is that I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, and he will always be someone I long for. I just don’t want to be stupid and go for round 2 and really get myself hurt again. Please let me know your thoughts.

Not talking about cheating or anything huge.

I mean those tiny lies that seem harmless until you realize they weren't actually tiny.

Mine would probably be finding out someone kept saying they were "working late" when they were actually just sitting in their car alone because they didn't want to come home yet.

Nothing illegal. Nothing dramatic.

But somehow that hurt more than I expected because it made me realize they'd rather be anywhere than with me.

Curious what yours was.

Sometimes the smallest lies end up changing a relationship more than the biggest fights.

The title says punched but it’s PINCHED (won’t let me change the title)

I woke up to my son screaming upstairs. He was with his sister and his father, so I felt that he was safe. I heard both my children fighting and assumed their father was handling it. I put my clothes on and did quiet time, then headed upstairs. His father was on the phone in the kitchen when I headed to the living room to check on my son. My son was curled in a ball on the couch and I assumed he was spanked so I went to console him, but he immediately looked up at me and told me to look at what his dad did. There was a bruise on his right leg. I asked him what happened and he said his Dad “did like this” as he proceeded to show me the pinching motion. So I asked him if his dad pinched him and he said yes. After his dad got off the phone I asked why he bruised our son. He said that our son was talking back, saying no and screaming. I explained to him that there’s no excuse for him to be pinched so hard that he becomes bruised. I then explained to him the importance of regulation and that when our son is acting in such a way that it is his job as a father to help our son learn to regular his emotions whether it’s giving him two minutes alone to calm down, hugging him or rubbing his arms or chest to calm down his nervous system or helping him with breathing techniques. His father no then proceeded to say he was screaming to be a butt, shook his head and rolled his eyes. I then explained to him that 4 year olds don’t act out on purpose. They don’t know how to regulate yet so they’re going to do what they think is best and that it’s our job to help them learn how to handle their emotions. I also brought to his attention how hard he had to have pinched him to bruise his skin and that it is abuse. So instead of helping our son he just tried to forcefully shut him up. His father remained quiet and just said okay. I then told him not to do it again and to do his research on how to parent better. I then left to grab my daughter a diaper. For the remainder of the day, the kids and I stayed upstairs while their father was downstairs. 

He’s never done this before and I think I am in shock. I know from family history that this is the start to something worse, but we live with his family and I cut my family off so I have no where to go. I don’t even know what to do. He also was in therapy for cyclothymia but recently stopped going because it was conflicting with his work schedule. So I don’t know if him going back to therapy would make it better or if I should even give him the chance. I don’t know.

So I carry a syndrome that can be passed down to boys.

%25 chance the boy would have it and need surgery when they are born (potentially).

Can live a long and healthy life.

I'm currently trying to have a child and I lost them and the baby before this one in utero.

My sister said "it's meant to be" as she didn't think it a good idea for me to have kids anyways... considering.

I'm hurt and want to try again and also now know I will not have her support. (She does not carry the

If your boyfriend jokes about making you pregnant and leaving, would you stay with him or leave him even if he said sorry? He said I won't leave you, I was just joking but i don't feel like this is something to joke about and it felt disrespectful. At first he couldn't even bear to see me cry and now he just says I have to sleep and goes away. He still keeps saying I won't leave, I am always there with you, i love you but these feel like hollow words! I [26F] and my boyfriend [22M] and we have been dating for 5 months.