r/NRelationships

Is it possible that they are manipulative at some point with people in their life who they don’t value, but once they meet someone they respect, be someone genuine ?

I f 33 and bf 31 have been together a year, I've meet his family. And I've meet his kids once. Before I meet them every weekend I was invited but he also knew I couldnt go. After I meet them I havnt been invited once, and he usually uses my car since he is also staying with me. Today is the kids first day of school, he wants to see them off and get pictures. And i want him too, we work together 3rr shift.

So at first he made it seem like he didnt want any issues from the mom, I am not allowed to be there apparently. He has not told the mom about me he assumed she would hear it from the kids. So I asked if he could meet them at the school and do pictures, but they live to close to the school for that?? He wants me to drop him off for 15 or 20 minutes at the house but then he wants me to leave. I cant sit in the car and wait. Now its because the kids will be upset if they see me, but wouldnt they see me dropping him off and picking him up? Is it unreasonable for me to ask to sit in the car, instead of driving around for 15 minutes.

I (35F) and my husband (38M) have been married for 15 years. We have 2 kids, 12 & 10. He has control issues and we went to therapy for years for his manipulation and coercion tactics. The therapist and I were working on showing him his verbal abuse and love bombing cycle. We were making real progress, or atleast I thought we were.

About a year and a half ago, he used the progress as an excuse to pause therapy for what he said was only going to be a few months. I was wary but I had fallen in love the version of himself he was showing me and trusted him. Later that day he told me he didnt trust that therapist and wanted to see a therapist that was a business owner who would better understand him.

During this time, we ended up having the biggest fight of our marriage. He had seen fast food wrappers in the car which led to a four hour fight about how he thought women should weigh less than their husbands. I cried until I had no tears, no pain left. And I told him if he really felt this way, he can find a nother wife.

The next day he bought me fast food, and he apologized. But a part of my heart that he once had access to died that night because I realized, after years of my weight being a prominent fight in our relationship, it would always be a problem, no matter how much weight I lost. And the fight about my weight, wasnt about my weight at all, and was actually about his addiction to control.

A few months later, I woke up from a drunken black out girls-night with vague memories of being intimate with a woman. I have no excuses for it. The guilt and shame was eating me alive and I told him about it a few days later.

He was understandably broken, and our relationship has never been the same again. I quit drinking, gave him access to my phone, laptop, social media, location on my phone and vehicle.

I am so committed to reconciliation that he now has say over what I wear to bed and what I wear during the day. He told me I should quit working, so I did. He told me I should get rid of my smutty books that influenced this behavior, so I did. He now has say on who I hangout with and how long I hang out with them.

I even recommitted myself to losing weight. He said he wants to see me at 140-150 pounds. At the time, I weighed about 195. I have since lost 30 pounds and am now stronger and leaner than ever. I thought I was making good progress on our reconciliation journey.

Until our fight a few days ago.

He said I had done nothing, that he looks around, and he is hurt that I hadn't done anything towards reconciliation.

I started listing everything that I had done, but he shut me down.

He said if I just presented him with a plan of how I would lose 20 pounds, he would feel like I was committed to the reconciliation. He went on about how he was a good provider, providing for the house, me, and the kids.

He went on and on (you know how it is). I was suddenly at that conversation a year and a balf ago, even though I had made so much progress. I realized he didn't see the progress and he never will.

And I couldn't defend myself or advocate for my own emotional needs in the relationship because of what I had done.

By the time he was finished talking, I was hyperventilating, couldn't breathe, couldn't talk.

Hours past and I couldn't stop the panic attack. As soon as I could breathe normally, he would reach for me, and suddenly I couldn't breathe again.

Its been days and I still have a strong physical reaction, almost like a panic attack, to his touch, to which he responded with 'why are we even sleeping in the same bed then'. I slept on the couch last night and had the best sleep in months.

He said he didnt sleep well and that it is unfair that I am punishing him. I apologized to him and told him that I honestly can not control the panic attack I have at his touch.

He has now permitted me to see the therapist I saw last year and he says he is open to marriage counseling but not with the same therapist.

I am now emotionally numb and struggling to find reasons to fight for our relationship. Unfortunately, if I leave he says he will kick me out of the house. I have nothing. No job. No money to my name.

Unfortunately, if I leave, he will be seen as the victim since I cheated. My family, who has fallen for his charismatic mask, will take his side over mine. I will be kicked out of my church for a divorce.

So I am stuck in a loveless marriage with a narcissist.

But now I see his mask. That loving, confident, charismatic mask that I fell in love with. I see the mask and I know that when it slips, his true self comes out. His controlling manipulative true-self.

So yeah. Dont cheat on a narcissist. I don't recomend it.

Sorry for the long post and vent. My family doesnt know about the narcissism or the infidelity and I have no friends. If you are still reading this, thank you for listening. I already feel a little more seen and a little less crazy.

I don’t really know how to explain what it’s like to be in a relationship that has slowly worn you down. Especially when you don’t have support, or family near you.
There wasn’t one day where everything suddenly became terrible. It happened little by little. The arguments. The defensiveness. The sarcasm. The way I’d bring up something that hurt me and somehow end up defending why I was hurt. The constant feeling that I needed to watch my words because I already knew how the conversation would go.

Eventually, I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells in my own relationship. I kept thinking maybe if I communicated better. Maybe if I gave him more time. Maybe if I stopped reacting emotionally. Maybe if he really understood how much this was hurting me, something would finally change.

Then we went on vacation with his family. We had this planned for a year or so, and I had just started my new job. I actually brought my work stuff with me because I had been off work for a year and was excited that I finally found a job, and I didn’t want to take off because of this vacation.
One day, we got into an argument at a store. He left me there. He literally walked away and left me inside the store while we were on a family vacation.

I remember standing there, kinda scared, thinking “what am I suppose to do? I wasn’t home. I didn’t have my own car. I didn’t have the money to just get a hotel and disappear. I was away from everything familiar, surrounded by his family, and suddenly I was completely on my own. And I cried.

Not just because he left me at a store.
I cried because something about that moment made me realize how alone I had already been feeling for a very long time. I’m in the middle of nowhere, I don’t know anyone, I don’t have family near me. I don’t have anyone to call. I did not drive here in my own vehicle. I haven’t even received my first paycheck yet to afford an uber back home for the 8 hour drive. It was awful.

I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.” But this felt different. I stopped wanting to convince him. I stopped wanting to explain the same pain for the hundredth time. I started thinking about how I’m going to leave.

The problem is, knowing you need to leave and actually being able to leave are two completely different things.
We live together. We’re both on a lease. I have pets. I have bills. I don’t have some perfect place waiting for me with enough money in the bank to start over tomorrow.
So right now, I’m in this awful in between. I’m still here physically, but mentally I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out.

That’s what I’ve learned about these situations.
Sometimes the person who looks the most “fine” is the person privately trying to figure out how to get free.
I don’t know exactly what happens next.
I just know that being left alone in that store on vacation was the moment I stopped asking myself, “how do I make this work” and told myself “okay, it’s time to leave, and plan in silence” thanks for listening.

TLDR; married 8 months to a 23M i've known for 2.5 years and i think i might be experiencing emotional abuse but it's so subtle i can't always tell if i'm crazy or if it's real. basically every fight follows the same pattern, he does something wrong or overreacts to nothing, i react normally, and somehow by the end of it i'm the one who ruined everything and made him feel like he's walking on eggshells. he broke his no smoking promise and turned it into me being controlling. he won't even consider doing anything for our health before ttc and gets mad when i bring it up. he's insanely controlling over what i wear, my hijab, makeup, perfume, and constantly needs my location and approval before i see friends or even my own parents, but then watches other girls on ig, lies about it, gets caught, and still does it again. he loses it if a man even waves at me from across a room but gets to stand shoulder to shoulder with women and calls me crazy for asking him to move. he's $45k in debt and keeps reposting stuff about wives handing over their gold. there was a morning he picked up a knife and asked if he should cut me so i'd have an excuse to miss work and laughed it off like a joke. he gives me silent treatment for days if i break one of his rules, and constantly tells me "you can't do shit, only me." i wrote out a bunch of journal entries too and reading them back they're honestly exhausting, it's just constant walking on eggshells, apologising for things that aren't my fault, and being made to feel crazy for having normal reactions. i just want to know if i'm actually losing it or if this is as bad as it feels.

Hello. I need advice. I honestly don't even know where to start... I will write what I can and hope something coherent comes out.

I think I a being emotionally abused. But it is so subtle sometimes, if you're not in it you wouldn't notice it. You wouldn't understand. I feel like I am going crazy.

I will write out a few situations/ behaviours I actually remember.

I am 23F, working fulltime and studying my Master's full time, and my husband is 23M. We have been married for just over 8 months now, but we have known each other for two years and seven months. There are good moments that are SO good, and then there are a lot of really BAD moments too. I have spent the majority of this relationship crying.

I know there were red flags during our courting period, but I was too attached and blinded by love to leave. I won't discuss any of the events that occurred before marriage because my husband has sworn he has changed and I want clarity on whether my trauma from our dating and engagement period is affecting how I view this marriage, or if it truly is as bad as I feel.

To him, I am always in the wrong. Yet he always says that I flip it and make him out to be in the wrong. An example: One night as we were in bed getting ready to sleep for the night, we were joking around with each other, laughing, and genuinely having a good moment. He asked me to pass him the pillows from the floor on my side of the bed. In that moment, I thought I had seen two of his pillows on his side, so I said "Aren't they on your side?" He said, "Give me the pillows, come on! They're with you." Me: "No, I could have sworn--" He cut me off. He started YELLING "Don't say no to me! Don't you ever say no to me! When I tell you to do something, you do it. Don't talk back to me ever!"

When he yelled, the volume hurt my ears, and I became frightened. I didn't understand how we were laughing one second and then he's yelling the next. I felt extremely vulnerable and anxious, and I did not want to set him off again. So I froze, I went quiet. I handed him the pillows which were on my side. He was right. I was wrong. However the situation did not warrant that type of reaction.

He then proceeded to get mad at me because my mood "flipped for no reason" and I went quiet. He was blaming me for being quiet and saying I'm the one who ruined the mood and you make me sick. So I said "no no I promise nothing happened" and I laughed and continued what we were joking about before he yelled at me and did things to try and make him laugh and carressed his face and kissed him. He was angry-faced the whole time. Called me a liar and to stop "acting". I told him I'm not lying I promise everything is okay. Then he mentioned when I got quiet and froze and said if I was really fine why did I do that to him and show him that I was so pissed off. He said that I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells around me and he can't live his life having to calculate his every move and word and tone of voice as to not trigger me. I said "but that's not what happened" and as I tried to explain to him that I was just startled by his sudden yelling mid-conversation, and that I only went quiet to avoid triggering HIM further and to keep the peace, i started crying because he just wasn't getting it. I was sobbing because he wasn't understanding me and he kept repeating that he didn't yell, didn't even do anything. That I am overdoing it and I am crying for no reason and I am giving him a headache and making his life hard. I went to sleep crying and he tried to 'console' me while still being angry. He was sitting up and mae me lay down. When I tried to sit up because I felt weird he wouldn't let me and said no you stay down and I said well I don't feel comfortable with you angrily towering over me and I am helplessly lying down. Then he scoffed and said "Idk where you get your ideas from. You come up with so mch bullshit in yout head." Anyway to end it short he tried to console me and said he loves me and doesn't want me to cry but this was after 3 hours of me crying and begging him to understand my side and him either flipping the table on me or sarcastically saying "yeah, I'M at fault. I'M always the bad guy. Alright."

He smoked a cigarrette, despite swearing he quit as was discussed before we got married. I got upset. He tried to flip it all on me. He blamed me for my reaction to his action.
Before we got married, we went through this in detail. I told him: even one puff, I’d consider it smoking, and my condition for marriage was that he wouldn’t have even one puff. He was to remove smoking from his life completely, and I made sure I was meticulous about my expectations because I cannot live with a smoker. He had the option to either leave or quit. He agreed to quit. He signed off on it.
Then pne day, I noticed his mouth smelled like smoke. I said, “You smell like smoke.” He said, “Oh yeah, probably because the guys were smoking next to me.” I said, “No, but your mouth smells like smoke.” And then, so casually, he said, “Probably because of the puff I took.”
I shot upright. “Are you serious?” He laughed. Said yeah. Then asked me why I was so shocked, why I was reacting like that.
I was in shock. My heart sped up immediately, I started shaking, and I was heartbroken. He asked why I was making such a big deal out of it. I reminded him, my condition for marriage was that he would never turn back to smoking. Not even a puff. Not even holding one. He agreed. I reiterated it. I told him exactly what I meant and what my expectations were. He agreed.
And now he broke it, and turned it around on me. He said I was overreacting. He said, “What, are you trying to control me? Am I being controlled by your actions? You can’t tell me what to do.” I told him I wasn’t controlling him or telling him what to do. We had an agreement, and he agreed to it. Nobody forced him.
Then he yelled at me: “So what? Is the whole world over? You’re overreacting. It doesn’t need this much. It was just a puff, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t turn back to smoking, you’re overdoing it.” Basically gaslighting me. Which broke my heart even more. He couldn’t even own up to his obvious mistake. He is not a man of his word. He’s a guilt tripper, a manipulator, a liar. I don’t even know if I believe it was really just one puff.
He’s selfish. He can’t take any accountability. Any responsibility for his actions. He only sees himself. All he does is invalidate my emotions and experiences, always telling me I’m overdoing it, that I’m too much.
He tried to make me delete this too when i wrote it in my notes app.

3. I don't want kids and he does, so we agreed to wait 2 years before making a decision to conceive. During this time, I am so scared of getting pregnant, but he always jokes about me becoming pregnant. I tell him to stop but he doesn't. Anyway, that's not the main issue. Anyway when we were discussing pregnancy one day I had mentioned that before we try to conceive we both need to work on our health for at least a year beforehand. Including him, because his health directly affects sperm quality which directly affects my pregancy symptoms and the baby. Not only was he not convinced, but he refused to do research about it and said that "everyone I know eats whatever they want, smokes, and drinks and their wives and kids are perfectly fine." I replied "but you don't know what. Not everybody is telling you exactly what is happening behind closed doors. You might think someone looks fine but internally they may have a wide array of issues." and to that he replied "you can't control what i eat or what I want to do. get these ideas out of your head." and this is a recurring conversation, and each time he gets so angry at the mere thought of me suggesting he follow a particular plan before conceiving.

4. Speaking about control... he is so VERY controlling to ME, not the other way around. I am a hijabi, so I already cover up a lot by CHOICE. However, he drives me crazy by the little things he picks on and the 'rules' he has. If a singular, miniscule, practically invisible ONE strand of hair is poking out, he pesters me to cover it. literally cutting me off mid conversation or whatever I am doing and telling me to cover my hair. He loves to recite a FALSEEE narration saying that if a woman so much as shows just ONE strand of hair to the public, she will be cast into hell and is considered a disbeliever. Like oof, why so dramatic? Anyway, it's a proven false narration there is nothing true about it and because I am educated I KNOW that and it isn't affecting me TOO much. But what IS affecting me is how comfortable it is for him and how confident he is and how much he believes this to be true. He believes so much of this stuff tp be true and is a real misogynist, truly. He is always pestering me to cover my hair even when it is not showing, if even a millimeter of neck shows he gets angry and antsy and tells me to cover it. it is more important to him than anything. he tells me if i wear perfume then I am an adultress. wtf?? and he doesn't allow me to wear makeup, even if it is the simplest, lightest, everyday makeup. He actually once told me to "go out of your way and make yourself look ugly as possible. You're not allowed to look good outside of the house." when we were getting dressed to go to a wedding. And yet when we are at home, he does not go out of his way to make me feel pretty or anything. If I wear makeup in the house he unecessarily 'warns' me not to go out like that, it is forbidden, etc and i tell him i'm not going anywhere it is just in the house he gets mad and says "there is no need to talk back, just say 'okay' and that's it.". I put on perfume when I was spending the day with him at home. When he saw me spraying he yelled STOP! STOP! I said why? I am at home. He said "The smell will cling on to you and when you go out tomorrow you might still smell like perfume and somebody might smell you." God. I am rolling my eyes just remembering but honestly in the moment these little nitpicks are so exhausting. He demands to have my live location and observes me all the time. Despite having my live location, and even set up to recieve a notification when i leave and arrive at the house and when i leave/arrive at my parents house, he still gets mad if i see my parents without informing him, makes a huge deal, gets mad gives me lectures about how he has to know and i have to send him a message beforehand or call him if I want to see my parents. If I ever want to make plans with friends, I have to inform him way ahead of time and get his explicit approval before I even think of confirming plans with anyone. If i ever break any of his rules he gets mad and yells, or gives me silent treatment and stonewalls for days. If a guy greets me on the outside from afar, whether it be a coworker or a cousin or whatever, he loses his shit. I'm talking about someone literally metres away from me briefly waving and saying "Hi, how are you?" And continuing on their way. Once it happened and he started searching for the guy saying things like 'i'm going to destroy his world' and i was so terrified i went to the bathroom to hide and cried in the cubicle and he called me and was angrily trying to get me to come out saying things like "don't make me come in there and break everything here" etc. I could go ON and on with stories but I wont. But i feel so so suffocated by him. I literally have this screamm building up in me i am going to explode i can't deal.

5. He watches naked girls on instagram and the reels from his friends are all girls... and when i ask him about it he lies, gaslights, tells me he doesn't watch when it is literally in his watch history and then when i show him the evidence he makes up different stupid excuses like "I was curious I wanted to see what the page was" and he said he will tell his friends to stop sending but he didnt and when i asked him about it again he said "oh theres no point in telling them to stop sending." and when he liked a girls nakd post i called him out on it and he said it was an accident which i believed so he went to unlike the picture and then in front of me opened her profile and began to SCROLLL through her posts and i said wtf???? why are you opening her profile and again he said he was just curious and i said curious?? what ?? about what?? what is there to be curious about???? and he said "i wanted to see if she only had the one post or many more" and i was so confused and said "what purpose would that serve you? there is no need" and then he snaps at me and says "i'm not cheating! i'm literally just looking and it's right in front of you what could possibly be happening omg!!"
   That reminds me of if I am ever within vicinity of a man or boy he gets all stressed out and tells me to move or tries to get me as far away as possible. Once he got pissed and mad at me for standing in a queue 3 metres BEHIND a man. a man who wasn;t even looking at me. my husband claimed i liked to be close to guys and i don't care about respecting him and keeping away. wtf? also once i was at a check out and i was buying my prescription glasses and the cashier was just checking something for me on the glasses and handing them back so he had held them from one end and giving it to me and i took it from the other end and my husband got mad and jealous saying my finger was too close to his finger, we were almost touching (we weren't) and i am so reckless and i don't think i don't pay attention etc.
   yet whenever we go out he bumps into women, stands right next to them shoulder to shoulder, or sits in a seat right next to them and when i ask him to please swap with me he says oh i didn't even notice her. she isn't attractive anyway why do you think i would cheat on you with her and i tell him i never commented on cheating or attractiveness but just how you are uncomfortable with me being too close to a man i wouldn't really like you brushing shoulders with a woman when there is an alternative and plenty of space to stand beside me instead of her. He scoffed and said it doesn't matter she isn't even attractive i'm not thinking of doing anything to her. I said "would you accept that response from me?" and obv he wouldn't and got angry that i even suggested it.

He also consistently jokes about having women chasing after him, having another wife, the two of us not actually being married and that he wants to be married for real.

he's wracked up a lot of debt approx. $45,000 and reposts posts on insta saying a good woman is defined by.../ gives her husband her gold and money to get him out of debt and so that he can relax etc. i am already going 50/50 with him, giving him half of my paycheck for rent, food, bills, etc. but everything he posts and reposts indicates he has his eyes on my gold and my savings.

7. some excerpts from a journal i was keeping at one point:

9 July, 00:03

He spends his nights wanting me to serve him, whether it's food, sex, or household tasks, expecting me to be at his beck and call. When I ask for help, there's always an excuse. It makes me so frustrated I want to break something, and I'm not usually an angry person.

He woke me to make him food because he was too hungry to sleep, so I did, then cleaned up his crumbs. When I went to the bathroom afterward and couldn't reach the bidet, I called him to bring it to me. He said, "Are you really going to make me get out of bed when I'm covered up and warm just to give you the bidet? No. Get it yourself." I begged. He didn't come. When he heard me crying, he said, "Are you seriously crying now because I didn't get up? You cry over everything." I sat there exhausted while he fell back asleep. I felt so alone.

00:54

He woke up again and yelled asking what I was doing. When I explained I had no toilet paper, he came in furious: "Are you in your right mind? Is this you being stubborn, or stupid? What would you have done if I wasn't home?" He lectured me in the doorway, swearing, before eventually handing me what I needed, not nicely.

17:07

I'd stayed up that night talking to a friend to calm myself down, specifically so I wouldn't come to bed upset and trigger him start a fight, because he can't handle it when I'm upset about something he did and ALWAYS fights me when he sees i am upset. It didn't matter. He was still angry when I came in, and we argued for over an hour instead of him just saying it's okay, come to bed.

Later that day I ran into him at the shopping centre while out with a friend. I waved him over, said goodbye to my friend, just a few seconds, and turned back to find he'd already walked off. He told me I'd "humiliated" him and wouldn't stand for it. He was cold to me the rest of the day.

23:41

I came home from my parents' house to find him ignoring me, telling me to get off him and leave him alone. Then said "Do you need someone to escort you home? Why are you home so late? Since when do your parents stay up that late?" It was 11pm. This brought me to tears. I told him I've barely seen my parents since we got married and it's been hurting them. He kept insisting I was in the wrong, for visiting my own parents.

22:02, 11 July

He went out with friends, came home, ate, was dry with me. We ended up being intimate in a way that he KNOWS i despise and affects my mental health. I always feel so depressed afterwards. it hurts too, and while I was still showering, he left the house. I asked him not to go, then asked him not to be long. He said that was impossible.

02:00, 12 July

Still not home. Five hours out at night. I'm lonely.

06:45, 13 July

Saying goodbye before work, still half in bed, he pulled me out of the hug because my neck was "showing too much." I told him it wasn't, that I could feel my hijab against my throat. He made me stand up, made me lift my chin, again, higher, then said "oh, okay." Nothing was wrong. This kind of thing just wears me down. Why is he so controlling over something like this.

17:32, 15 July

Mid-online-class, he got in the car and accused me of lying about my hijab being loose. "Don't lie to me, no lying." I had to look him in the eyes and repeat myself several times before he'd believe me. Then when I was waiting for help with my bags: "I don't understand your logic, you have no logic." I said, "I'm just a girl, I like to be taken care of." He said, "I'm not a mind reader." I found myself apologizing, sorry, my bad, it's fine, you're right, for wanting help with my bags.

18:08

Desperate to pee, but too scared to ask him to hurry out of the bathroom in case he snaps at me for it.

19:14

Mid-class, cat on my lap, and he asked me to get up and get him a pen and turn on the light, while he sat next to me doing nothing. Why is he so irritating.

07:48, 17 July

Driving to Sydney, my dad asked us to leave early, and he got furious, said it's why he hates people knowing his plans. Later, I made an offhand comment about a stranger and he thought I was joking about him. Once I clarified, he snapped, "I don't know what's wrong with you," in a tone that felt genuinely belittling.

13:25

He mentioned considering steroids. I advised against it.

18:30, 26 July

He initiated sex in a way that only he likes, then left to work on his car. Said he'd be in an area ten minutes away. Two hours later I checked and he was an hour away, past our city and into rural areas. When I called to check up, he yelled that he's "not a kid who has to report everything," and told me I'd ruined his whole mood. I ended the call crying, too drained to keep writing.

He said he wanted to spend the day with me since he was off work but i said oh i'm sorry baby but i have work today there's no chance i can get it off. he said can't you be sick? i said no, sorry, i really can't take a sick day because of [specific obligation] but otherwise i would have loved to spend the day with you.
He then went and I continued to get dressed and then he came back with a big knife. I was startled and said "What's that for...?" and he smiled and said "should i slice your arm open right now?" and i said "wtf why?" and he said "so then you'll actually be sick and forced not to go to work" at this point i was really scared but i tried to keep it light hearted and said "well that wont work because you'll spend the whole day in hospital with me" and he said "don't worry i know how to do it perfectly so that you wouldn't need hospital" scary.

9.

he has this necklace with sentimental value that he always wears and always threatens me with that if i ever damage it he will make my life hell. he will destroy me, ruin me. it's whatever. but then he broke my sentimental gold bracelet and i got worried and while he was inspecting it i asked him to please give it to me and he didnt listen so i asked a few more times until he harshly scoffed and dropped it out of his hands to give it to me and then gave me silent treatment, angry glares, and got mad at me for crying. he said there is no reason to cry, my actions are unjustified and i am behaving poorly. and i said wdym, why are you expecting me not to be upset when you always threaten me if something happens to your necklace. why am i the only one not allowed to be upset? what would you do if this was your necklace instead of my bracelet?
"I would destroy you"
"So why can't i be mad? don't i have the right to 'destroy' as well, if that's what you do?"
he said, as he always says to me in many different scenarios, "you can't do shit. you know you can't do anything. only me" consistently belittling me and instilling a sense of complete helplessness and loss of autonomy.

He is still mad at me because i cried that he broke my bracelet,]. He fixed it, but he reckons i should not be upset or i shouldn't have cried because it was fixable. but i wasnt crying because it wasn't fixable. i was crying because of how he was treating me, all angry etc instead of simply saying don't worry darling, it's an easy fix. its okay.

anyway, so much more has happened but if i tried to write it all i would be here for days and i don't think anyway can read this if i make it any longer. So i'll stop here. these are some recent things and i just want a second opinion and some advice because i feel like i am absolutely losing my mind and going crazyyyy!

I (28F) have been involved with a man (38M) since February. This is going to be long because so much has happened in only six months, and at this point I genuinely don’t trust my own perspective anymore. I think I’m losing the fucking plot here.

We became exclusive pretty quickly. I fell hard for him and he was extremely loving and attentive in the beginning. We had things in common, our chemistry and attraction was super intense, he talked about our future, family, marriage, etc pretty quick. We met each others family and friends, and were practically living together two months in. I thought this could be my person. Then I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. It wasn’t just paranoia I saw screenshots/heard things that confirmed it, although the has never admitted to it. His college ex (so 20 years of history between them) actually came forward and contacted me to let me know about what he was doing, he says his ex lied. When I found this out, I did something not so good (smashed his headlights with a broom stick- although i paid for the damages the next day and have proof.) Not proud. I ended things for about a week before I found out I was pregnant. Went back to try and make it work, but he became aggressive and controlling while I was pregnant, at one point he tried to tell me I couldn’t go to my best friend’s birthday celebration and actually got in my face yelling about it. Talking about me having to “submit” to him and how he knew better than me etc…. Took that night away from him to cool off, came back the next day to talk it out and to my surprise his exs car was in his driveway….. I ended it after this, and for weeks he begged me to keep it, even showed up at my door one night and brought said ex to MY HOUSE so she could “confess” to me that her reaching out to me was all a lie and he never cheated…... How did he convinced her to do that? I have no idea. But I figured he was forcing her, it was very obvious she was deep in the trauma bond trenches. After about 2 weeks, and a lot of back and forth, I decided to have a medical abortion. I didn’t want to bring a baby into such chaos, and I knew at this point I was trauma bonded so I wasn’t seeing clearly and couldn’t trust myself with an innocent life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Went against everything I believe in. And of course the entire experience became physically and emotionally horrible since it didn’t fully work… My HCG stayed elevated for months, ultrasounds showed retained tissue aka a remaining sac, and I eventually needed a D&C. Fuck, it was a lot. The pregnancy/abortion also became one of the things that pulled us back into each other’s lives.

After we’d been apart for about a month, he contacted me crying and apologizing. At one point he told me he was sorry that he “made me kill our baby”, that he failed me as a man, that he understands my pain. It was back and forth with him begging and me slightly opening the door every time. I found out that after my abortion, he had attended an IVF consultation with the SAME ex. He said there were complicated reasons she was still in his life, including business/financial ties, and later told me he wasn’t actually going forward with IVF, he just wanted to ease the pain I caused him by having the abortion. He apologized and gave me his location, updates all day everyday, etc.Before I knew it he started taking care of me again, spending time with me, talking about wanting us to be a family and saying he was willing to do anything to fix things. I was grieving and vulnerable and I let him back in. We started going to church every Sunday again, going on adventures and dinner dates, met some more of his family, went on shopping sprees, he even booked us a couples therapy appointment because he wanted us to focus on our communication.

Anyways, obviously my family and friends absolutely hate this relationship because they’ve watched everything happen. My sister, mom, cousin and best friend have all been extremely upset with me for continuing to speak to him. At different points I’ve hidden the fact that I was seeing him because I knew how they would react. Despite everything, I kept going back. That’s the part I’m fucked up about. When I’m away from him, I can list everything that’s happened and think “What THE FUCK am I DOING?”
Then I see him. He cries. He apologizes. He’s affectionate. We have sex. We talk for hours. We talk about God, forgiveness, our baby, our future, travelling, being a family. He tells me how much he loves me and things start feeling hopeful again. I start focusing on “us” and suddenly all the horrible things feel not that bad. I also started my own therapy a couple of months ago.

But our relationship has escalated into something much more serious. 2 weeks ago we were coming back from a party where we both drank, him more than me. I started getting a stomach ache and needed to leave, so I was pushing him to leave. Aka I was being pushy. (I want to add my stomach pains have recently been post abortion type stomach pains- he knew this.) On our way back home he put his hands on me while driving drunk. This is something he’s never done, he’s never actually hurt me physically until now. He’s never even driven drunk with me in the car. To be exact he pulled me by the hair twice, enough to leave a goose egg on my skull, and kept speeding then breaking so I would almost hit the dash. He pulled over and smashed my phone when he realized I was recording him, so I threw his out the window. He then dragged me out of his car and left me stranded in the rain at 2am on the side of the road and took my keys and purse in the car with him. The only nearby place was my fathers house, who I wouldn’t really go to for anything relating to my bf because we are mostly no contact since he was an abusive father growing up- but it’s the only option I had. My dad ended up calling the cops once he seen my bruised up arms and bloody hand. (When he dragged me out of the car he sort of threw me on the ground and my hand got scraped and was bleeding) I had to go to the station and file a report. I didn’t want to but I was so out of it and in distress I just said what happened. I also slept at my dad’s that night. When I went home the following day I realized he used my keys to go into my room and just made a mess in there? He didn’t necessarily vandalize anything but my room was a mess, he threw my clothes on the floor, broke a bunch of my closet hangers, and sort of moved my stuff around? Very weird, but he was the only person with a key to my apartment during that time. Not sure why he did that.
The police were very helpful, even gave me a “blink” camera to set up for my front door and changed my locks for me. I was notified when he was arrested, then the next day I had police at my door serving me undertaking papers because HES CHARGING ME FOR THE SAME THING? Like counter charging me?!?! I don’t know if this is for THIS incident that just happened, or if he’s using what I did back a few months ago (smashed his car light) to charge me. WTF. Now I’m second guessing everything, mad that my father called 911, wishing all this could just go away.

A few days ago he approached me unexpectedly when I was driving while I was coming home from work. He apologized and begged me to talk. He said he doesn’t want us to ruin each other’s lives with a legal battle and asked whether I could pursue a peace-bond-type resolution.

Now he’s contacting me again from another number. He called and texted asking me to meet him at the river because he “needs to talk to me.” I told him I wasn’t home and asked what was up.
He said, “Won’t take long but it’s an in person thing.” I said I probably couldn’t and told him he could call me instead. He didn’t call. Instead he told me to let him know when I’m available, sent me a song called and hours later randomly texted me some weird philosophy quote (he was probably drinking cause wtf. He texted me again the next morning asking to meet up.

And here’s where I prove the entire point of this post because I fucking went.

We agreed to meet at a public park after work.
Before meeting, he texted saying he was going home to shower/change and asked if I wanted to do the same. I actually responded, “I thought we’re just meeting at the park to talk?” because I genuinely thought this was supposed to be a conversation. I got to the park and was hesitant about getting into his car but got in anyway, he had flowers for me, then said he wanted to “show me something,” and we ended up going to his house. On the drive he started talking about how his mind has been a mess and lately he’s been trying to clean it up. He said he’s been seeing his wrongdoings and mistakes more clearly and realizing there are things inside himself that he needs to fix. What he wanted to show me was that he had completely deep-cleaned his house, backyard and pool. He said cleaning and organizing everything had helped him clear his mind and made him feel like he was getting himself back together.
Then he apologized again, that he regrets what happened and wishes he could take it back and knows he fucked up.
And then, predictably, we started talking about our relationship. He told me he misses me so much. He said he can’t get me out of his head and that he’s never felt the way he feels about me for anyone else. He kept saying he doesn’t want to start over with someone new and that his feelings for me are too strong for there not to be a reason behind them, that we can “salvage” this, we need counselling and that he’s willing to do it. His line was basically, “willing and able is all you need to be.”

I brought up my family AGAIN because they hate him at this point. He said he doesn’t care. He’ll face my dad, he’ll face my uncle, whoever he has to face. And I want to be clear…. I wasn’t sitting there enthusiastically agreeing to any of this.
I kept telling him, “I don’t think you understand how much what you did hurt and affected me.”
I brought up the fact that my FAMILY is involved now.
The JUSTICE SYSTEM is involved now.
I told him we’ve taken this way too far.
At one point I even said something like, “What if we end up killing each other?”
What happens next time? Where does this end?
But then he would grab me or kiss me. At first I would push him away but I eventually I stopped.

While we were at his house he went inside to grab me some food and I was walking around the backyard. I noticed a woman’s bikini sitting on a shed in the back corner….Immediately annoyed. I didn’t say anything because I have absolutely no idea how long it’s been there or whose it is. But that’s where my brain immediately goes because I don’t trust him. Then we went out on his motorcycle and got ice cream. He was being extremely affectionate, still talking about us, vacations, getting past everything, moving through this and rebuilding. We went back to his house afterward and somehow one thing led to another and… we had sex. And it was good.
I hate even admitting that because our chemistry has NEVER been the issue.
Afterward I noticed fingerprint/hand marks all over the mirror on the wall beside his bed. It’s basically a sex mirror, so of course THAT pissed me off too. Again, I ignored it because I have no clue when those fingerprints got there or whose they even are. Anyways I slept over completely unplanned No pjs no toothbrush nothing. We just crashed.
This morning he drove me back to my car at the park, I went home, got ready and went to work.
And now he’s already texting me this morning asking how I am.

So there it is.
That is EXACTLY what I mean when I say I don’t trust my own perspective anymore.

Less than 24 hours earlier I could explain perfectly clearly why this relationship is insane.
And then several hours later I’m on the back of his motorcycle getting ice cream, having sex with him and accidentally spending the night at his house.
I don’t understand how both versions of me exist at the same time.
Can somebody genuinely love you and still be abusive toward you? Can somebody genuinely regret hurting you and still be part of an abusive cycle? It sounds diabolical
Also can I genuinely love him while also needing to stay the fuck away from him? What does it say that even AFTER the police, arrests, charges, injuries, family involvement and everything else, I can spend a few hours with him and somehow end up right back in his bed? Is that what people mean by a trauma bond or am I using that concept to avoid taking responsibility for the fact that I keep choosing to go back?

I feel like six months of this relationship has somehow turned into six years worth of events. I need people who have no emotional investment in either of us to tell me what they’re seeing because right now I genuinely cannot tell where love ends and dysfunction begins.

TLDR: Six months of cheating, pregnancy/abortion, repeated breakups, physical violence and now criminal charges, yet I still keep going back to him. Yesterday we met “just to talk” and I ended up sleeping with him again. I can see how unhealthy this is when we’re apart, but when I’m with him my perspective completely changes. Is this a trauma bond, mutually toxic relationship, or both?

The hardest part of narcissistic abuse wasn't the lying.

It wasn't the manipulation.

It wasn't even being discarded.

The hardest part was realizing how much of myself I had abandoned just to keep the peace.

I stopped bringing up things that hurt me because every conversation somehow became my fault.

I stopped trusting my instincts because I was constantly told my reality was wrong.

I stopped asking for what I needed because I learned that having needs made me "difficult."

Little by little, I became smaller.

Not overnight.

Not dramatically.

Just one compromise at a time.

One apology I didn't owe.

One boundary I didn't enforce.

One red flag I explained away.

Until one day I looked at my life and realized I was carrying all the pain while protecting the person causing it.

That's what broke me.

Not losing them.

Losing myself.

And healing wasn't about getting over them.

It was about finding the parts of me that I buried to survive.

The confidence.
The voice.
The boundaries.
The peace.

Sometimes I still grieve the years I lost.

But I no longer grieve the relationship.

Because the person I miss most from that chapter of my life...

is me.

Did anyone else realize that their recovery wasn't about getting them back, but getting themselves back?

My ex left me for someonelse without any notice. I went to Germany with him not knowing that he was already living with another girl. And the next day of the trip he blocked me and told me to never call. I was away for work like 6 months and he found this girl and they dissapear together. But he tried to send messages , emails , telegrams… We were talking time to time and then we started to sleep together and he was waking up middle of the night , saying that the girl watches the cameras and leaving me . So he was just sleeping and leaving. 3 months ago i realised that he changed his country , one day he told me that the girl did not go with him but then said that it is too much info to give . And around 3 weeks ago we were talking and we had a fight . Later one of my friends saw his photo in his new country with that girl and she looked pregnant to me but i am not sure . Anyway he keeps me silent about this and he afraids i will tell everyone , which means that he will lose money or something important for him.
What do i do ?

Hello everyone,

I am starting to realize after the fact that I ended up in a sort of situationship with a vulnerable narcissist. And I was looking for a forum or place to really discuss it. I've had people push back on it which is tough because I literally studied narcissism, hell I was even published for some research into it. And so I had this egocentric idea that I would never fall victim to it and yet I did.

Met a guy last year who really clicked all my buttons for me physically. And he has a lot of trauma and it really activated my caretaking and nurturing side. We had a fight about a year ago where I told him I needed them to be more supportive when I'm hurting and it was a pretty basic ask (a hug when I'm hurting). Instead he escalated, rewrote reality, shut down, got defensive, and ran after telling me that he wanted distance and space and talking wouldn't help and that he was done. Instead I got the hover treatment. He later referred to it as us just not talking, or me avoiding him, or glad I took the hint to leave him alone.

I generally don't think he's a bad person truly. But what makes it tough is he put his hands on me to hurt me. Not in severe ways, but it was things like stomping on my feet when I was on a date, pushing me into friends at events, shoulder checking me on ice, kicking the back of the calves, and more. I also had to deal with emotional manipulation where he kissed my friend on his volleyball team in front of my friend's fiance the week my friend and his fiance got engaged. As you can imagine that didn't go well for him. Or when he kissed my friend who was roofied to make me jealous. All while refusing to communicate. I tried to be diplomatic like when you shut up to interview at my job I got him a coffee and a donut, got him a Christmas gift telling him he meant a lot to me and I would like to reconcile. But that failed.

When we spoke to reconcile, he gave the old darvo treatment. He denied hurting me, told me he wasn't that kind of person, that if he did do it he was just drunk or places were busy, and that I do stuff too like when I bumped into his friend getting him a hug for his birthday, and that I was some awful terrible person for talking about what happened. That I made a private issue public, that I apparently talked badly about him calling him violent abusive or aggressive. In reality I would tell people the things he did to me and that's what they would jump to and I would try to preemptively defend him. He also told me some other stuff like I can talk about it till I'm blue in the face and no one would ever believe me, that I was reaching out too much and should have taken a hint, while prior he told me he didn't like me making assumptions, and I realized he wasn't going to take accountability in apologize and given the physical nature I needed to guarantee my safety so I told him I don't feel emotionally physically safe around him and he told me fine I'll just stay far away.

Instead, he's been watching and hovering around me. I know he talks bad about me because I hear about it from other people and I just don't care. His friends have said things like oh something happened but I took it too far. And other people have said I could have taken it farther. I don't hate him, and I can tell he's still impacted by me. Because when I've kissed other people or dirty dances with other people I can see that it makes them uncomfortable and he has to move to another area.

I just don't know what to do, he means a lot to me truly but it's also stupid. Like all he had to do was take accountability and apologize and he won't. Instead he chooses to not communicate and hover and watch me and it irritates the hell out of me. I decided to unblock him on social media and re follow him. Not to like all the stuff or watch, but more to leave the door open if he does decide to apologize because he did mean a lot to me at one point and I see him 2 to 3 times a week. I am seeing him start to maintain more relationships than he used to. But I also don't know if that's really the case or it's just a facade. Honestly I just don't know what to do. It would feel easier if it was just someone I could just hate. Like I had a guy who has several ppos on him who put his hands on me and I comfortably blocked him and have not looked back. But with this guy? I just can't seem to do that.

I wish you would’ve just trusted I was sincere from the beginning. I left behind everything and everyone for a chance to be happy with you. I waited my whole life for this chance again. I love you beyond words and all time. I never would’ve hurt you. I wanted to protect you while you were healing and show you a loving embrace without judgement or fear of rejection. I welcomed you with open arms and a loving heart open to whatever you had to fill it with. I tried in every way to show you kindness and compassion but you kept crossing boundaries and showing me that my loyalty meant nothing while you questioned my every move. I repeatedly showed you time and again I was not doing those things but you were. You cannot live a certain way and expect the exact opposite from your partner. I will never understand it. Every time I tried to discuss how you were hurting me you just got mad and left you never saw your actions were slowly killing me and I kept filling you up and trying to be patient but you were never there to see the damage you were causing. You were always with her allowing her to feed you lies and deception while using it against me even when you knew deep down it was lies. You know all of the things you put me thru and all of the horrible evil words and names I was served almost every other day. I still love you with every piece of me and wish you would change. I know that will never actually happen so I can’t ever send this to you. I just want you to see me. I know because of the pain in your past you can’t until you’ve healed. Please my love heal your heart and soul and come home. 😞 ride until we die, then we’re ghosts………. Love you always. Please be safe 🙏🏼

For the second post in our new community, I thought we could start a conversation about something many of us may have experienced:

When was the moment you started realizing that something wasn’t right in your relationship?

Maybe it was:

The constant gaslighting or being made to question your reality or Love bombing followed by coldness or withdrawal
Or Cheating or repeated betrayal
Being blamed for everything
Walking on eggshells around their moods
Feeling like you could never do enough
Being isolated from friends or family
Promises that things would change, but they never did
Realizing you were becoming a different version of yourself
Or simply that feeling in your gut that something wasn’t right

There doesn’t have to be one huge moment. Sometimes it’s a series of little things that eventually become impossible to ignore.

What was the moment or the pattern that made you start questioning your relationship?

Share only what you’re comfortable sharing. No judgment, no victim-blaming, and no pressure to disclose personal details.
Maybe your experience will help someone else recognize something they’re currently struggling to understand.
What was your moment? 💙

I had a relationship with a female 34 years old (covert narc ) for a year I bought her gift for 2000 dollars and I regret it the most aside from other expenses on dates etc…. I broke up with her 8 month’s ago and I exposed her between few friends but till now I can’t continue without fully destroying her !! She is afraid of me in away I can’t describe she is afraid of being exposed I am thinking to threaten her to return the money or I am going to expose her bcz I know how important money is to her imagine even if it’s a little amount it would feel like I am taking her soul But the thing I don’t feel good asking her to give it back like something doesn’t set right with me
Honest opinion what do you should I expose her and and threaten her to pay me the money or not ??

I am a 36-year-old full-time electrician living in Vancouver, BC. I have been married for nine years, and I have reached my breaking point.

My wife exhibits severe emotional dysregulation, destructive outbursts (screaming, throwing/breaking household items, vanishing for hours), and controlling tendencies. She does not work, refuses to manage her mental health or daily routines, and isolates me from friends and family. I am expected to fund her lifestyle, cater to her need for constant entertainment and validation, and maintain a picture-perfect façade for her social media while she contributes nothing financially or domestically.

My primary concern is our 6-year-old son. She regularly slaps him over minor infractions, demands robotic obedience while she watches TV, and refuses to engage in his development or extracurriculars (like taking him to soccer). I spend every spare hour outside my physical job shielding him from her hostility, playing sports with him, and creating a safe environment so his nervous system isn’t constantly on edge.

I am completely burnt out. I’ve stayed because I was terrified that family courts favor mothers and that leaving would hand her full custody. My original plan was to endure this until he is 12 or 13, but staying in this toxic environment is breaking me and normalizing abuse for him. Any comments?

What would you do in this situation? im so upset and full of anger.

I want revenge so bad, do i remain silent and ghost mode for months? the amount of hatred i feel the fact that hes doing all these things is disgusting me. Do i remain off social media and off all platforms he can reach me on and keep him unblocked? or do i go back on socials and add men and post myself everywhere to ruin his ego because hes really testing me its sickening me. Just the day before NC he told me he will always love me and waits for my statuses on whatsapp to see if im okay LMFAO he couldnt care less about my feelings since hes done the things that ruined our relationship in the first place? hes posting stories each day acting nonchalant i feel so sick my life feels so gone and hes out everyday it isnt fair. How do i stop checking my body forces me i hate this i went a week without checking and my body forced me please give advice on what i can do? any advice will mean the world to me, please dont be harsh i just got done crying on the ground im vulnerable :( bless you if you advice me.

i blocked him everywhere deleted all social media completely he has no access to me. He keeps doing the same mistakes after each breakup he immediately adds women and posts himself and makes every account public whereas ive gone ghost. Im in raging anger that hes done this again the last time he did this my life nearly ended as he drove me insane and added women and shoved it in my face after he promised me this time he wouldnt do those things for at least a month because it affects my mental health. The worst part is if i did he what he did, such as add men and post myself he would GO INSANE and call me a sl@g but its okay for him to do these things? its the audacity this has been a reoccuring thing that has destroyed me several times in the relationship he knows i nearly died when he last did this to me that i cried in my dads arms and i never cry to my parents YET HES DONE IT AGAIN? And added women instantly. the last time we contacted i told him we need remain no contact because what hes done and our rs in general isnt good and then we ended up arguing and i said i pray this eats at you each day because he made me out to be crazy and refused all accountability and said i deserved to die that day and that i deserve pain hes really broken me in half. Idk what to do, i want revenge so bad hes hurt me too much to get away with this constant emotional damage to me. Please help. Hes acting so unbothered, this is the longest ive been no contact for and off social medias he cant find me ANYWHERE do i remain this way, i was literally going to get socials and do the same thing and hurt him and act unbothered but idk whats the best hes a narcassist btw he runs from emotions.

The last message he recieved from me was me crying and saying " i pray this eats at you when your all alone without distractions, you nasty human. " then i immediately blocked and i deleted every access he doesnt have a clue what im upto.

i was doing so well not checking i havent broke no contact in 3 weeks but today i ended up checking his socials on a fake account and immediately deleted it and what i saw has proved to me he will never change, he even deliberatly showed his vape and him driving he told me he quit for a year and now hes back into it, he lied all along. Hes turning into everything he said he wouldnt be or do and that kills me.

Long story short, I moved back to my hometown for a job and was just in prolonged contact with narc sister due to a funeral. She tried involve me in family drama, and I finally let her have it via text, told her I didn't care what she does and I want no part of it, she's on her own. She made snide remarks back (which didn't hurt me, i laughed at them) then sent a text saying she was blocking me. And all I felt was relief. I'll miss connecting with some family who I'd like to get to know better, but the narc sis hangs out with them, lies, gossips, is angry and violent, so it's best I keep my distance. We run in different social circles, so I dont think I'll see her much. She also seems.to hate everyone I ike, go figure. I guess I've been discarded, but all I feel is relief? Has anybody else.had this happen?

have you begged them to come back?

hola I moved her w my bf & he is not who I thought he was. Abusive,liar,& cheats (coke head ) He pays everything and holds it over me. I work but not enough to be able to afford moving fees . I desperately want to get out b4 it gets bad.jm working on getting another job but any suggestions? Do you guys know any programs that can help me move into an apt ? Any feedback is great

hi everyone, I hope it’s okay to post here. tbh I am sick for the first time since leaving him and it is making me think about so much. I was 26 when I met him, had a full time job in media, had come from nothing and had found levels of financial success (enough I could help pay for my baby sister’s college, which comes into play later). by the time I met my ex, I had no savings from the job due to the fact I had paid for her college. he was 38, lived on the other side of the country, was divorced and going thru an active divorce (I know…. Pls understand I was manipulated heavily into not grasping the truth of their relationship & she and I have talked since I left him, she has no ill will and only care for me and I for her), and had at that time a successful career in a field I wanted to enter. we fell in love writing together at a complete distance, so when we met irl we were fully already in love. I can now see what I went through as love bombing, it’s super easy to show up perfectly over the phone. the moment we met we basically were together physically for three years straight. I moved across the country, quit my job due to burnout and he was like oh I can support you. At the time, bc I had been working since I was 15, this sounded nice. it should have been a red flag that six months into him “supporting” me, when I brought up being uncomfortable with this part of the dynamic and that I was going to apply for jobs, he would basically convince me not to and focus on my art. this happened twice. this led to me not making any of my own money for basically three years, outside of one gig that hired me near the end (thank god). I really did love my ex. I thought he was a genius creatively and in some ways he is but nothing justifies what occurred in our relationship. I can now accept my ex emotionally and financially abused me. I did not have access to the financial accounts that supported our life, and when an industry went on strike suddenly we were living on savings. By the time this happened, I had already had two abortions and was in extreme postpartum. We both started drinking together everyday (I am now over a year sober). I was in a lot of pain, on top of the fact I was grieving my city I had lived in, friends who had died, and was dealing with career frustrations re book residuals. I kept waiting to be paid for my book…and I wish I had because if I had I would not have been as financially vulnerable. My publisher can make peace w God someday. My ex’s financial struggles did not lead to him wanting me to get work, nor did it lead to accepting suggestions re moving out of the very expensive apartment he insisted we rent (he pushed me into doing it and put me on a lease despite the fact I made no money for an apartment I could not afford on my own). When I would bring up downsizing, he would yell at me about not trusting him, about his abandonment issues.. when I started taking gigs for extra cash because he was so stressed w money, he told me no money I ever made would matter compared to what he does because it supports our life. I will never financially depend on a partner ever again. He told me I didn’t need my own reps for filmmaking, all I needed were producers and would yell at me if I brought up my own career goals. When I started having short stories published and a director he knew chose to work with me on a script, that’s when the abuse escalated. He started throwing fits, yelling, every day about random miseries in life or at me if I tried to comfort him. He threw a phone backwards and was like “well it wasn’t at you”. I felt so depressed and alone. he tried to write a script to give to the director, he told me directly he would choose his over mine and when he didn’t the abuse got worse. basically any time something happened that suggested I had a career future while his was falling apart led to me being abused. he had a spending problem and when I said if I had access to the accounts maybe I could help him budget and he said “oh so you can spend my money?” Which is funny because when I left him I had $500 to my name so if I was hustling him I was sure bad at it lmao. three months before I left him, a month after I quit drinking alcohol, my ex told me he was moving back home with our cats and that I would be “alright” and I was like wait I have no income and like I will have no place to live, he basically told me I would be okay because people loved me (something it became evident he resented) and then I asked if he was breaking up w me. Like a coward he said no. That night when I cried saying you always bring up your abandonment issues but you literally are abandoning me. He yelled no shit from bed. I took a month to dissociate, the second month I planned, and the third month I went back to my original city, saw everyone who loved me who were like gtfo of that. I stopped hiccuping. I had assumed I had some horrible illness bc I had been hiccuping for months and months every day. Three days away from him at a thousand miles, no hiccups… he was still a nightmare at a distance. When I got home we basically instantly broke up, I went to my friend’s place to catsit for a month, and I was blessed that a chosen father figure was there for me in a way I can never pay back. I called him saying “I left xyz, I have $500 to my name, and I’m about to be houseless in xyz” and he told me to come to Europe and I’d pay for nothing. before I was glamorously houseless in Europe (because my ex DID leave me houseless on paper, I had no mailing address), we had several moments my ex and I. I was separating the books and he said he was excited to see his family and have their support. All I said is I’m glad you have that support system. Within five minutes he’s screaming at me about my “passive aggressive” comment, that i “have no family, no place to go” and I was like yeah that’s why it’s messed up you’re leaving me houseless. Oh, also key things he did that really drilled into my soul is he would start convos w me, I’d respond, and then he’d go cold and be like I have nothing to say about that, silence. Extensively…and during the breakup breakup, he had a good deal that day so was in a good mood and even apologized for yelling at me as he cried (not that it matters) and it felt like the version I had known originally suddenly had shown up, it was crazy. Also I didn’t get to attend my baby sisters college graduation bc my ex refused to pay for a ticket to the graduation and I had lol no money. Anyway, the day before I left the country, he came up to me and said “xyz, I could only do this because I see a place for you in Hollywood but there isn’t one for me anymore” I responded something like “you couldn’t have done this if we were married” (which isn’t true but I didn’t really know what to say to that) and then he screamed “shut the fuck up at me” my friend came over as I got my shit out of there and finished packing, so I didn’t have to be alone w him. It’s been nearly a year since then, i don’t expect to ever hear an apology, a sense of reflection, or anything. goodbye jerk.

Salut,

J’ai besoin de parler. J’ai vécu environ un an avec une personne que je considère aujourd’hui comme une perverse narcissique, et je me retrouve complètement détruit.

On s’est rencontrés sur Tinder. Dès le début je me suis beaucoup accroché. Elle était dans une situation très instable avec sa mère (elle se faisait frapper, etc.). Au bout de trois mois elle est venue habiter chez moi. À partir de ce moment-là, ma vie est devenue un calvaire.

Elle créait des embrouilles pour un rien, cherchait le chaos en permanence. Je me sentais constamment humilié. Quand je rentrais chez ma famille le week-end pour voir mes proches et mon chat, elle me le reprochait. Elle me reprochait aussi de parler à mon ex. (Ce qui était faux )Elle me disait des choses atroces (« j’ai plus besoin de toi », etc.).
Je me suis fait frapper mainte fois par cette personne, pris des claques sans raison.

Elle me poussait à bout psychologiquement jusqu’à ce que je n’arrive plus à parler ni à ressentir quoi que ce soit. Je devenais totalement silencieux face à son agressivité et ses manques de respect. Elle m’a aussi mis des claques sans raison. Et après, c’était toujours de ma faute : c’était moi qui « devenais silencieux », c’était moi le problème.

J’ai compris plus tard que c’était son mode de fonctionnement avec tout le monde (sa mère, sa cousine, etc.). Elle les poussait littéralement à bout.
(J’ai aussi découvert un journal, où elle écrit simplement n’aimer personne, qu’elle les déteste, qu’elle « test, ment, et gagne ». Qu’elle pensait encore pouvoir faire semblant de continuer, et faire semblant qu’il ne s’est rien passé après.
( je suis effrayé encore de relire ça, c’est de la pure folie ..)

Elle m’a menti sur le contact avec son ex. Car au final s’était bien elle qui parlait avec son ex. (Elle m’a pourtant jurer sur la tête de son petit frère, de sa mère, de son chat … et devant Dieu).

Il y a eu plein de trucs bizarres (messages à 3h du matin à des inconnus, mots dans les poches…) qui me font penser qu’elle m’a trompé.

Au final elle m’a utilisé, poussé à bout, changer la réalité à chaque fois, je pouvais jamais m’exprimer, je devais toujours m’inquiéter pour elle, puis abandonné d’un coup quand elle a vu que je recommençais à revenir un peu à moi-même.

Elle m’a dit les pires choses sur moi, alors que j’avais tout donné pour la relation malgré la violence. Elle projetait toute sa colère et sa haine sur moi. Dans son récit, c’était moi le monstre.

J’ai coupé les liens avec plusieurs amis pendant cette relation. Aujourd’hui je me retrouve seul, très triste, et je me sens abusé. J’ai parfois des pensées très noires. Je suis quelqu’un qui a normalement la tête sur les épaules, mais là je me suis perdu. J’ai été trop gentil.
Je cherche juste des gens qui ont vécu quelque chose de similaire (ou pas forcément) et avec qui pouvoir parler. Si vous avez des conseils pour reconstruire, pour gérer la solitude et la reconstruction après ce genre de relation, je suis preneur.

Merci à ceux qui liront.