My whole life I was always with someone as a young child. Always at my grandmoms, sent to my aunts, friend's house, staying at all of them a month or so at a time . Oh and yes on the weekends my dad had visitation. Almost all all of them were toxic in their own way.
My grandmoms house I was at the most. I loved being with my grandma. Only thing is my uncle and his wife lived upstairs.
I don't know if any of yall are familiar with Philly but in the early to mid 80's in west Philly crack came around and hit our nice little Italian neighborhood like a sledge hammer. Long story short I know my Grandmom's address by heart because of how many times I had to call 911. I always knew when something was wrong and going to happen when they were upstairs. Our our little dog would come down the steps and lay at the bottom of the steps almost as a warning. I've seen my uncle walk around with a gun to his head and many other crazy things that has a little girl no older than 7 should experience. Then at my aunts she would have me go back and forth down into the basement where the tiny fridge was to get her a beer. Then when she was completely drunk she would grab me real tight and rock back and forth saying " oh my little Yaya don't ever do drugs don't ever do drugs" . And then right before she was about to pass out she would get real nasty and tell me that " I'm a piece of s*** and I'm Generation X" etc etc all because her daughter had an addiction to drugs at the time. All these things my mother would know about because I would tell her but she didn't care. The one time she came to pick me up my aunt was really drunk and she just came out of nowhere and smacked me across the face really hard. I expected my mom to have a reaction but she did nothing.
All this time my brother was with my mom. I never really was able to have a stable spot. When I was around 11/12 is when my mother TURNED ON ME.
She would have these massive freak outs and when she was done she would take me shopping. My aunt would do the same. I was chubby then and I remember she gave me a diet pill and I pooped blood. So I went to the hospital but lied about taking the pills.
Then when she realized she could call 911 and put on a grand acting show for the police and they would take me away. She would do it alot. Back then it was different than it is now. I would get admitted into mental hospitals for adolescents. Belmont 3 times, Horsham Clinic 3 times Friends once and then I was admitted into..
This was the final placement she ever did to me and it was 6 months living at Presbyterian Children’s Village. I even had my 16th birthday there that she never visited me for. I'm grwmy dad remembered. I got roses & the coolest gift ever. He remembered that I wanted the album, The Distance to Here by LIVE. The song Dolphins Cry just touched my teenager heart.
LONG STORY KINDA SHORT
I went back home and she would physically attack me and then kick me out. So at 17 I was living with my best friend who was in her early 30s. I had a disability check that my dad managed to get for me. So by the time I turned 18 I had my own place. For the 10yrs I was there my mother would call my landlord at HER WORK and tell her all this crazy shit she thought I was doing.
MEANWHILE my brother got his first car and we are in out early 40s and her son can tell her any lie and she will believe it. They always have secret things between them that I don't get told. He has connections to her bank accounts, health charts and I'm positive he's going to get the house when she's gone.
HE LIVES WITH HER RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE when he got clean off of drugs his friend gave him a great job, he had a new truck within ao month and acts better than every one now. Forgetting where he came from and who was there. I asked to work for him he said he didn't have anything but HIS FIANCE that also lives with my mom is working for him. Neither pay rent.
I can't understand who I'm always on the outside trying to get in with my own family. He was nicer and normal when he was getting high.
Now my mom has Pancreatic cancer. I spent a couple nights with her in the hospital until she went home. I went to the first visit and said PLEASE LET ME KNOW ABOUT ALL THE VISITS. DONT KEEP ME ON THE OUTSIDE.
I WENT Home and they never told me about anything that was going on since then.
He's even moving far away so I asked her if me and my husband can live down there for awhile. I can help her with cleaning, cooking, shopping. SHE SAID WE'LL SEE.
IT'S HARD TO NOT LET IT HURT. Every time I know what the ending or reaction is going to be but it's still hurts me deep inside even after all these years. I'm at a loss it really makes me feel like crap like why am I never good enough for her or him why is he treated so special and I'm always the underdog
It's been more than 6 months since I went NC with my Nex, I finally got on dating apps after months of completely staying away from him. He tried getting in touch with me through different means, but I blocked him each time. I really lost it when he found me ON the dating apps! He had the audacity to reach out to me on the damn dating app!
I connected with a few potentially compatible guys on the app, but most of them triggered some or the other part of me which was played with by this damn narc-ex. It kinda made me realise there's actually a lot of narcissists out there, I met one of the worst and learned a lot and now can spot one from a mile away.
I went on a date and this one guy manipulated me into thinking we want the same things and ghosted me when I insisted that I don't want to get physical so soon! My body is literally scared of being touched until I feel emotionally safe.
Then I started talking to a nice guy, he's a little younger, sweet and giving, and a part of me just feels so strange receiving that attention and affection.
It's so strange. How does one even go back to dating or just trusting, my system is feeling very thrown off by these experiences.
I broke up with my ex but am on talking terms still. There is still a lot of disrespect because he is just an immature person who is frustrated in his own life. The most that has bothered me is the talking behind my back and bad mouthing me in front of their friends (my acquaintances). I don’t want to cause any drama so I don’t make a scene as I want a clean break and peace of mind. But no matter how hard I try to create such boundaries I fail at them. I still end up entertaining his calls, or even sometimes inviting him over with other friends just because I want a no drama normal life. But them constantly talking behind my back, calling me names, commenting on several aspects of my life and disrespecting me does not stop. I understand he is frustrated with himself and our break up hit him pretty bad, but our relationship was not going anywhere. I don’t want to talk about him to my friends either because that would further make me think of it as a bigger issue. So how do i 1 ignore their behavior of talking behind my back and 2 implement boundaries without creating a scene/ explicitly telling them that i am not interested in talking anymore.
Edit to add that rereading my post made me realize that me inviting them over or entertaining their calls and wanting to feel normal means that I am still not accepting that in their life I am no longer the priority. I also have a tendency to be in self denial while they get to label the dynamic as a normal interaction and get to label that disrespect as just kidding.
they never cheated on me, and they didnt have another supply when I got dumped. this is what makes me question if they are actually a narc.
apparently addiction issues can give people narcissistic traits and she may have just been an addict.
but I remember the love bombing. I remember thinkig “I feel like the most awesome person in the world. the amount of compliments I am gletting can’t possibly last.
then things were ok for a little while.
then the claiming to be an empath
the the selfishness and having to beg for my needs. Waiting for my turn.
Then the silent treatment.
then the criticism.
the the future faking.
then the making your life revolve around them. They won’t go to your events or anything about you. If they do they get drunk and ruin it.
rhen taking the future faking back.
then the criticism.
the not taking responsibility for anything.
the apologies I did get were confessions of them “being the worst.“ but still slightly better than beaters, cheaters, pedophiles, murders, and then them skightly better than these people.
then me asking if they liked me as a person and getting told they love me.
then begging for a compliment something they like about me. being told they don’t do that. It’s not them.
Then the dog whistling
openly Admitted she hung out with special and attractive people.
The being cheap with you but not anyone else.
the charm that seems so genuine. You still wonder if it is.
then the drunken hate, but not hate more like bringing up all your insecurities And confirMing them.
then the “you’re trying to change me.” by asking for my needs.
the the emotional abandonment while being ill
the no empathy
the trauma olympics. Something bad happened to you? At least this worse thing that happened to her didn’t happen to you.
rhen the accusations of you being a narcissist
then the drunken breakup.
then the no closure.
I’d posted this in another sub about avoidant attachment but everyone kept saying this is beyond that and is actually narc abuse. So wanted to repost here:
I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.
Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:
Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:
· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met
Emotional & Psychological Abuse:
· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused
\- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.
Control & Secrecy:
· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little
Public Humiliation & Dismissal:
· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way
Friends & Social Circles:
· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating
Family Dynamics:
· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back
The Discard:
· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship
\---
I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.
I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?
But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.
When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.
So, kind of a weird one. End of the week, tired but in a pretty good state and get a random message from nmom of 2 dogs sleeping--one where one was on top and another when the other is on top and captioned it saying the mummy dog got revenge on the baby dog in the second pic. It was cute and I had my guard down and replied with emoji and said something like "they're tossing and turning in their sleep". She replies with "the first one was from the other day and the mummy dog got revenge". So, I laughed and said "She must have been scheming for that" without much thought, but added something positive like "they both look comfy". Then I got the reply "No no, she loves her baby" which seemed quite out of place and of the flow of the conversation, and it seemed like she was triggered by my "scheming" comment, or was trying to hint and something. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I felt really uncomfortable after that interaction and didn't feel right for the rest of the day--something about it really bugged me and I was kind of (pretty) annoyed at myself for being a bit frivolous and unguarded with my reply. It seemed harmless but everytime nmom makes a overt out of way statement about love it feels a bit forced and contrived. I wish I'd grey rocked a bit more, and don't know if I'm overthinking it, but definitely irked me. Dunno if it's normal.
I was with my ex for 15 years and we are currently going through the divorce process. In those 15 years, she cheated on me at least 5 times, lied chronically, and hid her substance abuse for years while draining our bank accounts. I tried to make things work by going to couples counseling for years but all we did was argue. She would tell me she would change and get better but it was always my fault when she wouldn’t.
9-months ago she assaulted me, called the police, and then told them I had assaulted her. I am now a defendant in a DV case and it feels like the whole world has turned upside-down. She then manipulated me to move out of the family home by again promising me she would work on us. At the time, I believed her that I was fully at blame for her assaulting me and was also confused bc she kept telling me that she had not assaulted me at the same time.
I had a mental breakdown shortly after and required hospitalization. It was just too much betrayal from a person who I thought loved me. Who I thought cared about me. As soon as I moved out she blocked me on everything and seemingly moved on with her life. She told everyone that I was a monster and now I get weird looks from parents at my son’s school.
I am currently living out of a studio, I have borrowed furniture, I am living paycheck to paycheck as I try to afford the divorce, and all the while trying to be a parent to my son half the time. She has taken no accountability and has shut down any conversation that could lead to her taking any accountability. She has blamed me fully. I have no friends and I live in a country where I barely speak the language. I have lost almost everything.
When I talk to people, even my therapist, it is like they truly don’t understand. They want to treat this as a normal breakup. Some even blame me and ask me what I did. Like, somehow bc I am a man I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and just take it. The amount of times I have heard, “just move on”, etc when I am literally having panic attacks or falling apart. I feel like a shell of a human being.
was my dad emotionally manipulative to us? or am i just looking to be a victim? please help a teenager out
Some tactic by my dad to degrade me into being his version of what a woman should be? Or is this a dad whos going thru the mistakes of a father raising his eldest daughter?
WILL be VERY long so please read it if you would like to help a teen & her younger sisters!!💞
I am about to be an adult and go into college. I am moving away from home. I need to know if my dad was ever emotionally or mentally abusive, manipulative, etc. just because it's a concept I always deemed impossible.
Here are a few experiences I need external evaluation of. Please tell me if I'm dramatic or there was actually a problem. I'm posting this here because i grew up VERY privileged, generally comfortable living although our housing and my parents' marital status was faulty at times.
I don't know what's manipulation or not because he always said "You have it easy. Your problems will never be as much as mine or your mom's'." I know that. I grew up feeling I never had a reason to complain, but my mom says that he did emotionally manipulate and abuse her as well, so she says he did so to us. I need to know I'm a spoiled brat who got it easy (as my dad would say) or if my overthinking is lowkey right.
A few examples! I'll number them and try to make them as short as possible:
He used to talk about my acne scars (they were and still are VERY severe, theyre on my entire back and arms but improved!). I wore a tank too, and he said "Just because nobody says anything doesnt mean they cant see them." Always told me I had scars and acne because I was dirty and I had to clean myself. He would show me videos constantly about how acne forms. This has been since I was 10.
Said guys would be "all over me" when I was in HS. When it didn't, hes now saying it'll happen in my adulthood. Feels like such a let down. I feel that i needed attention to be pretty and when I didn't get it (I never pursued because I'm naturally reserved), thats when I knew I was objectively ugly. Its a reality that took me years to accept and I used to be so jealous. It's like. "Why isn't this happening to me when the only male figure in my life, who I get my only perspective of men from, said it would happen?" anyway i kinda stopped caring (im coping heh)
Always said "You think like a woman, don't do that because men will find you difficult. Women don't know what they want. They over explain, aren't direct." One time he asked my sister and I that if a cart weighs 100 Ibs on a scale, how much does it weigh when you push it. We had no physics prior knowledge but, after some quick 1 minute discussion, said it feels it weighs less because gravity isnt against you. Then, as if he was waiting for us to finish talking, said "Okay, I hear you, but you guys are thinking like women." And then proceeded to explain why it still is a 100 Ibs even though we technically never said it WAS less, but it FELT like it was less weight. Is this abusive or at least manipulative in any form?
When I was going into middle school (10-11), I didn't feel pretty. i'm blasian, so he took me aside and googled blasian girls around my age and asked me "Do you think youre prettier than them?" I remember nodding. He said "That's all you need to know, so stop comparing yourself to girls that aren't your same ethnicity."
Said other black girls and women would be jealous of me & my sisters because we had lighter skin and "better hair" (my hair is 3a curly). ABSOLUTELY disgusting. I HATE thinking about myself when I believed him. I just feel like saying sorry for even thinking this was true. He made OUR people (he's black btw) my rivals.
We were watching a show and a teen girl got her first car from her parents. A fellow family member was explaining to the father of the teen girl that the car they chose for their daughter was perfect for s3x because of the reclining seats and noise cancellation and size of the car. Then he looked at me and thought it was funny. I was maybe 13 or 14. I still physically cringe.
When I was 14 and going into high school, I never wore makeup. He said "It's time you should start doing so. Y'know to look more presentable." he said it from a kind (?) tone. I get makeup makes you look more awake but it was just off putting to say. Still not comfortable with makeup at 17.
OKAY THATS IT!! PLEAAASEE tell me if im being dramatic and spoiled or if this was some form of..something.
Here are my thoughts:
I still love him a lot. I don't want him to be an enemy, but everytime he gets close (both physically or thru conversation topics) I get very tense (verbally i stfu and physically i cringe and pull away). I just shut down. I end up being blunt and rude when I speak.
Then I feel bad & like a bad daughter for it. I don't know whether I am protecting my self or being angsty unprecedentedly.
Worth considering this, if it helps with context:
He painted my mama in a bad light SO much. It feels she never got the chance to raise me because i saw her as the bad guy and my dad took the spotlight as the parent "who actually cared" while she was the one who thought money bought happiness (she was the primary breadwinner majority of my life).
He always said that because my mom grew up in India she came from a family that was always yelling and didnt know how to communicate (holy orientalist driving the stereotype the "East is barbaric" aand he has little respect or knowledge of my culture on my moms side. he probably thinks im middle eastern 😭).
He led me to believe my mom couldn't communicate, she was quick to anger because "all of THOSE people are like that." I feel i was manipulated into being a daddy's girl. But dw my mama and i are very close now! 💞🥹
And the ultimate question!
So now, how do i carry myself into adulthood? I am very fearful of ending up with a man like him. I'm afraid of vulnerability in relationships (platonic and romantic, but ive never had a romantic relationship heh). How do i not allow myself to get too close to people and remain detached?
I'm so confused i just want some adulthood wisdom. I know i csnt do this on my own.
I have a question for those who have been involved with narcissists: Did they show a strong interest in meeting your friends? I’m currently seeing someone with these personality traits; he’s always helping others and is known by everyone, but I know it’s just a facade because I’ve seen a very depraved side of him in private. He has started to form a very strong—almost obsessive—bond with me. It’s a long, complex situation, but one thing I’ve noticed is how insistent he is on meeting my friend group. I try to avoid introducing him to them because something about him didn't feel safe to me. From what I’ve observed, I get the impression he wants to meet them to dig up information about me, see the kind of people I surround myself with, and get to know me better.
I’m early in my healing but I’m thinking of starting a blog to help myself and others heal.
Has anyone actually done this before and did you find it helpful to you?
I really want to know your experience with them, how it’s like to live with them. 6 months, 1 year later, 2 years later, 5 years later, 10 years later timeline please?
Its been 4 years since I left. I was with my abuser for 13 years and I left 4 yrs ago. I think about him constantly. Not in a good way, or like I miss him.....
I.just want him out of my head. I get anxious and angry whenever I see him out, or someone mentions him. Even when he crosses my mind.
Ive given up anyone that was in our mutual circle.
Please tell me.when it'll end, and how can I make this happen?
I’m in the worst relationship of my life right now. Stuck on a lease with him, I’m gonna be free soon. I can’t even explain everything he’s done to me. It’s insane. He’s financially, sexually, and emotionally abused me. Along with cheating on me, degrading me, always arguing with me.
And he’s always the victim, never wrong, is the most fucking delusional person I’ve met in my whole life. He has to be a grandiose narcissist. He thinks he’s so much better than every person and has never once apologized to me or taken accountability for a single thing he’s done. He’s insanely entitled and the most awful person I’ve ever had to endure
This just happened to me and I wrote it down as it happened so that’s why the writing is weird
There was a song playing saying “pistol whip a bitch” something along the lines of suggesting slapping someone with a pistol if they’re a bitch
And he said. That the artist would do that to me
I asked why do you feel the need to degrade me like that
He said I’m not saying I would do it, I’m saying he would
I said yeah that’s exactly my point.
I tried to say (but he interrupted me) that’s degrading because he’s suggesting I’m a bitch or a brat to such a degree that he (the artist) would perceive me that way
He literally yells FUCK YOU with his whole chest at me. Before I even finish explaining. And then complains about how I’m “victimizing” myself
And then yelled fuck you again. Talked about how hates me and is looking forward to never seeing me again
He always does things like this. I’m 99% sure he will never realize he’s a narcissist. Matter of fact - he always accuses me of being a narcissist. He will think, for the rest of his life, that it’s always the world that’s at fault and never him. If he was ever diagnosed with narcissism - he would say that the person who diagnosed him was wrong. But if he ever got over it and admitted he was - I already know what he would say
He would say the “bad” narcissists *are* wrong and could be bad people. But that *he* is actually always right unlike the other narcissists and that he’s deeply misunderstood. And that maybe narcissists actually have good points and that people should listen to them instead of misunderstanding them and “ignoring their reality”
he seemed to come into the relationship with trust issues and a preconceived narrative about women and me. mistakes i made afterwards he deemed microcheating only served his narrative that i was out to get him and he became unrecognizable, screaming yelling threatening the roof over my head, push and pulling/hot colding. i didnt feel loved or wanted, i cut off everything but him to have him, and even then 1/2 time he was breaking up with me. i ended up leaving, we reconciled after i forced it, now it has fallen apart and i am being left. despite threatening my life i would run back to him, believing i could help him understand that he was loved.
he tells me i made him the way he is. vengeful and resentful. i know it all comes from hurt. when he experiences guilt he only regrets his "picker being off" and giving me a chance. not the way he made me feel, scrutinized, surveilled, isolated.
has gotten a new car and 8 tattoos since the break up. tells me hes going to church and is "helping others" while being as godless as possible filing for eviction a week after i lost time at work to abort his child, calling me cruel names, acting as thought i never meant anything to him. he threatened a restraining order to top it off saturday night. sometimes get warm, invites me up to his room for sex which at this point is the only excuse i can use to try and get close to him again. sometimes it slips out that he understands why i left, that he is sorry, that he doesnt know what he'll do without me.
the thing is i experience borderline symptoms as well, which is what he is diagnosed with, with latching and fearing being left. the push/pull is truly exhilarating. i hope i can still get some advisal despite.
i truly dont know. are there any questions i can ask myself to come to a definitive answer?
I’m reading the book psychopath free and I note the them of idealization, devalue, discard.
We dated 4 months in person and saw each other every day. We traveled to see my parents, to new states, worked out together and made lots of amazing memories. We were off of schoolwork and had nothing but free time. I loved my time with her but had to move away for work for one year for surgery residency. It was a single year position. I said that I loved my time with her but if she didn’t want to do long distance I would understand. We dated long distance for a year and saw each other about once a month by alternating our vacations. During this time we discussed marriage and she was excited and was unsure because of the distance. We had a weekend trip to see my parents and she was thrilled again and wanted to get married and we looked and rings but she went back on it again and was unsure.
We are both in residency and she is in family medicine. She was also stressed out throughout residency. We would schedule almost weekly date nights and talk everyday and text everyday. I transferred positions to family medicine and moved to her state. We only lived two hours away. During the transfer she told me make sure what you do is best for you and do not let me be a factor in your decision.
I moved less than two hours away from her by car into a nearby city for my position and we would drive down and see each other on the weekends. I thought everything was fine. We went on vacation with her family, her parents would take me out to dinner, I’d go fishing with her dad. She maybe was slightly less of her bubbly self but I attributed it to being busy. She’s a very type A neurotic person and gets stressed out easily if she doesn’t check off every box on her schedule. She injured her leg and cannot bike or run on it and that caused her mental stress. She broke down in the gym crying a few times and said that not being able to run has taken a toll on her mental health. She has been wanting to buy a house and submitted offers while I was long distance (something I brought up with her and said we should decide on together). She stopped her birth control about 8 months ago and has not been able to have a period so she was getting worked up for her cortisol and other hormones and they were starting to normalize. She was found to have a benign pituitary adenoma (asymptomatic usually but can cause hormone imbalance if large enough). Her sisters both own houses and her elder sister is married with kids. Her mom joked once when she was extremely talkative trying to figure out how to get all her errands done in 2 hours and get her oil changed and workout and make it back in time for family time to “run while you can”.
The weekend prior to the breakup she took me out on a weekend getaway to a different city and spent about 500 dollars on us. It was an amazing gesture and she was all over me. I thought she might be ovulating cause she was so into me and never that excited before. A few days later on Thursday, she was frustrated; she was mad at her boss for not agreeing with her plan, yelled at her dad for wanting her to see her younger sister’s house, and then snapped at me saying she couldn’t do the distance anymore. We broke up two days after that.
She had me over and said that our personalities were not compatible because I'm much more laid back. She said that she couldn’t trust me to raise kids and that I did not take initiative with things. She was always pushing me to do more (have my retirement planned out, applying to jobs), and said that I didn’t have a clearcut life plan. She helped me setup a job interview, I discussed with a financial planner, and had an interview lined up to transfer programs to be 20 minutes away from her. Our life circumstances are different. I am a medical doctor and currently in training so I think that point is moot. I own a house that I rent out and pay rent at an apartment in the city 2 hrs away, I have numerous expenses for utility and student loans. She lives at home with her parents.
She said she felt like she had to be a different person in the relationship and that was causing her distress. She said she felt miserable long distance when we did our virtual dates sitting alone in the basement while all her friends and family were out doing other things. Overall we dated about a year and 8 months. She said she realized she wanted to break up as soon as she blurted out that reason on Thursday. She said I’m perfect otherwise and she never doubted my love for her in the relationship. I asked if we could work on things or how am I supposed to address this. She never communicated these feelings in the relationship and said she had been thinking of breaking up with me since March (because I didn’t have back up plans for a backup after my one year position). She apologized for not communicating this and said there was nothing I could do to address it nor couples therapy. I would do monthly check ins with her about things I could do better or improve in our relationship and she never brought up anything. We hugged and I kissed her goodbye a few times and told her to leave me alone so I could heal. She asked what if there was anything of mine she still had at her place. I told her to just throw it away and I mailed all of her stuff back that day.
This has really confused me, especially cause she took me out on that amazing date the week prior. We had tickets bought to see my parents in December. She was planning on certain presents to get my entire family for Christmas. She had already bought my grandparents presents. I just found out today from my mother that my ex was actively planning a surprise birthday party for me in the upcoming months. I never thought that she had another guy. She would leave her phone in the open while showering and was never secretive with it. I found her on hinge 4 weeks after looking for a "life partner". Christmas morning at 5am she is up and cancels both our flight tickets, rebooks me to a window seat, and pockets the travel credit for her ticket. She never paid me for these tickets to begin with and it felt weird she went and did that and never said a word.
Things she did that made me think bipolar: she was looking at houses and putting offers on them when we were long distance, she didn’t even tell me until after the fact she put an offer on a house once. She spent 400 dollars on a Yeti cooler for her birthday, another time she spent 800 dollars on lululemon and bought me shorts; she later returned most of it because she was over her credit card budget. She road rages. She gets irritable and mad at her family (said she was a bad daughter once cause she yelled at them). She would break down crying once or twice a month. She said she has a strict schedule to manage her anxiety so that everything is in order. She was bringing up marriage a few months into dating and she invited me to Easter family dinner a few weeks into knowing her. She had a religious breakthrough a couple years ago and newly became Catholic. Apparently prior to that she would go out and party and drink 2 bottles of wine before going out. She wanted to end her best friendship because her friend forgot to text her on her birthday or get her a present. She would get bursts of energy and try to be doing everything at once. I had her on speaker phone once and my mom heard her talking a mile a minute. Seems to have illness anxiety and thinks she has all sorts of bowel problems. There was a period we were long distance she wanted to quit her doctor job and go back to being a waitress, she told me she had thoughts of suicide. I told her she should see a therapist but she never did.
So it is now a little over 7 months from the breakup. This has really messed up my head. Talked with multiple therapists and they think bipolar or something underlying. My differentials include OCPD, PMDD, bipolar, dismissive avoidant attachment. Apparently mutual friends have been told they breakup was mutual due to long distance or that I was wishywashy and not serious about our future and she asked me where I see things going and was unsure.
Just out of the blue, creating a fight out of nothing and saying really really hurtful things.
Please helpppp !!!
I’ve had an on-and-off situationship with a guy for a few years, and for most of that time there was a significant amount of inconsistency. There were periods where he’d disappear, times where I later found out he wasn’t being honest with me, and a lot of mixed signals that made it nearly impossible to know where I stood.
There were events that seriously damaged my trust, and because of everything that happened, I eventually reached a point where I stopped believing his words and started assuming the other shoe would always drop. Even in attempts to block him/stop all communication- he would find someway of contacting me through social media message requests or no caller ID calls.
Fast forward to now, and his behavior feels completely different. He’s become much more verbally affectionate saying “we’ve been dating for years” “you’re my girlfriend” etc (extremely unusual for him as he has never even brought this up as a possibility), compliments me in ways he never used to, going out to eat and him paying for it, says things he never would have said before, seems more attentive, and even during sex his behavior felt much more intentional and emotionally connected than I remember. However, after I leave, I won’t hear from him until he somehow thinks of me and reaches out. I don’t know if this is just for sex because we don’t always have sex everytime we hang out.
The problem is that I don’t know whether I’m witnessing genuine growth, whether this is just a temporary phase, or whether my past experiences are making it impossible for me to trust what’s in front of me.
Has anyone experienced someone making this kind of shift after years of inconsistency? What ended up happening?
TLDR: I’ve been in an on-and-off situationship with someone for years who was historically inconsistent, dishonest, and left me with very little trust. His behavior has recently shifted in ways that feel much more affectionate and relationship-oriented, but because of our history I’m struggling to tell whether this is genuine growth or whether I’m overanalyzing a temporary change.