u/PickleAccomplished63

I (28F) have been involved with a man (38M) since February. This is going to be long because so much has happened in only six months, and at this point I genuinely don’t trust my own perspective anymore. I think I’m losing the fucking plot here.

We became exclusive pretty quickly. I fell hard for him and he was extremely loving and attentive in the beginning. We had things in common, our chemistry and attraction was super intense, he talked about our future, family, marriage, etc pretty quick. We met each others family and friends, and were practically living together two months in. I thought this could be my person. Then I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. It wasn’t just paranoia I saw screenshots/heard things that confirmed it, although the has never admitted to it. His college ex (so 20 years of history between them) actually came forward and contacted me to let me know about what he was doing, he says his ex lied. When I found this out, I did something not so good (smashed his headlights with a broom stick- although i paid for the damages the next day and have proof.) Not proud. I ended things for about a week before I found out I was pregnant. Went back to try and make it work, but he became aggressive and controlling while I was pregnant, at one point he tried to tell me I couldn’t go to my best friend’s birthday celebration and actually got in my face yelling about it. Talking about me having to “submit” to him and how he knew better than me etc…. Took that night away from him to cool off, came back the next day to talk it out and to my surprise his exs car was in his driveway….. I ended it after this, and for weeks he begged me to keep it, even showed up at my door one night and brought said ex to MY HOUSE so she could “confess” to me that her reaching out to me was all a lie and he never cheated…... How did he convinced her to do that? I have no idea. But I figured he was forcing her, it was very obvious she was deep in the trauma bond trenches. After about 2 weeks, and a lot of back and forth, I decided to have a medical abortion. I didn’t want to bring a baby into such chaos, and I knew at this point I was trauma bonded so I wasn’t seeing clearly and couldn’t trust myself with an innocent life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Went against everything I believe in. And of course the entire experience became physically and emotionally horrible since it didn’t fully work… My HCG stayed elevated for months, ultrasounds showed retained tissue aka a remaining sac, and I eventually needed a D&C. Fuck, it was a lot. The pregnancy/abortion also became one of the things that pulled us back into each other’s lives.

After we’d been apart for about a month, he contacted me crying and apologizing. At one point he told me he was sorry that he “made me kill our baby”, that he failed me as a man, that he understands my pain. It was back and forth with him begging and me slightly opening the door every time. I found out that after my abortion, he had attended an IVF consultation with the SAME ex. He said there were complicated reasons she was still in his life, including business/financial ties, and later told me he wasn’t actually going forward with IVF, he just wanted to ease the pain I caused him by having the abortion. He apologized and gave me his location, updates all day everyday, etc.Before I knew it he started taking care of me again, spending time with me, talking about wanting us to be a family and saying he was willing to do anything to fix things. I was grieving and vulnerable and I let him back in. We started going to church every Sunday again, going on adventures and dinner dates, met some more of his family, went on shopping sprees, he even booked us a couples therapy appointment because he wanted us to focus on our communication.

Anyways, obviously my family and friends absolutely hate this relationship because they’ve watched everything happen. My sister, mom, cousin and best friend have all been extremely upset with me for continuing to speak to him. At different points I’ve hidden the fact that I was seeing him because I knew how they would react. Despite everything, I kept going back. That’s the part I’m fucked up about. When I’m away from him, I can list everything that’s happened and think “What THE FUCK am I DOING?”
Then I see him. He cries. He apologizes. He’s affectionate. We have sex. We talk for hours. We talk about God, forgiveness, our baby, our future, travelling, being a family. He tells me how much he loves me and things start feeling hopeful again. I start focusing on “us” and suddenly all the horrible things feel not that bad. I also started my own therapy a couple of months ago.

But our relationship has escalated into something much more serious. 2 weeks ago we were coming back from a party where we both drank, him more than me. I started getting a stomach ache and needed to leave, so I was pushing him to leave. Aka I was being pushy. (I want to add my stomach pains have recently been post abortion type stomach pains- he knew this.) On our way back home he put his hands on me while driving drunk. This is something he’s never done, he’s never actually hurt me physically until now. He’s never even driven drunk with me in the car. To be exact he pulled me by the hair twice, enough to leave a goose egg on my skull, and kept speeding then breaking so I would almost hit the dash. He pulled over and smashed my phone when he realized I was recording him, so I threw his out the window. He then dragged me out of his car and left me stranded in the rain at 2am on the side of the road and took my keys and purse in the car with him. The only nearby place was my fathers house, who I wouldn’t really go to for anything relating to my bf because we are mostly no contact since he was an abusive father growing up- but it’s the only option I had. My dad ended up calling the cops once he seen my bruised up arms and bloody hand. (When he dragged me out of the car he sort of threw me on the ground and my hand got scraped and was bleeding) I had to go to the station and file a report. I didn’t want to but I was so out of it and in distress I just said what happened. I also slept at my dad’s that night. When I went home the following day I realized he used my keys to go into my room and just made a mess in there? He didn’t necessarily vandalize anything but my room was a mess, he threw my clothes on the floor, broke a bunch of my closet hangers, and sort of moved my stuff around? Very weird, but he was the only person with a key to my apartment during that time. Not sure why he did that.
The police were very helpful, even gave me a “blink” camera to set up for my front door and changed my locks for me. I was notified when he was arrested, then the next day I had police at my door serving me undertaking papers because HES CHARGING ME FOR THE SAME THING? Like counter charging me?!?! I don’t know if this is for THIS incident that just happened, or if he’s using what I did back a few months ago (smashed his car light) to charge me. WTF. Now I’m second guessing everything, mad that my father called 911, wishing all this could just go away.

A few days ago he approached me unexpectedly when I was driving while I was coming home from work. He apologized and begged me to talk. He said he doesn’t want us to ruin each other’s lives with a legal battle and asked whether I could pursue a peace-bond-type resolution.

Now he’s contacting me again from another number. He called and texted asking me to meet him at the river because he “needs to talk to me.” I told him I wasn’t home and asked what was up.
He said, “Won’t take long but it’s an in person thing.” I said I probably couldn’t and told him he could call me instead. He didn’t call. Instead he told me to let him know when I’m available, sent me a song called and hours later randomly texted me some weird philosophy quote (he was probably drinking cause wtf. He texted me again the next morning asking to meet up.

And here’s where I prove the entire point of this post because I fucking went.

We agreed to meet at a public park after work.
Before meeting, he texted saying he was going home to shower/change and asked if I wanted to do the same. I actually responded, “I thought we’re just meeting at the park to talk?” because I genuinely thought this was supposed to be a conversation. I got to the park and was hesitant about getting into his car but got in anyway, he had flowers for me, then said he wanted to “show me something,” and we ended up going to his house. On the drive he started talking about how his mind has been a mess and lately he’s been trying to clean it up. He said he’s been seeing his wrongdoings and mistakes more clearly and realizing there are things inside himself that he needs to fix. What he wanted to show me was that he had completely deep-cleaned his house, backyard and pool. He said cleaning and organizing everything had helped him clear his mind and made him feel like he was getting himself back together.
Then he apologized again, that he regrets what happened and wishes he could take it back and knows he fucked up.
And then, predictably, we started talking about our relationship. He told me he misses me so much. He said he can’t get me out of his head and that he’s never felt the way he feels about me for anyone else. He kept saying he doesn’t want to start over with someone new and that his feelings for me are too strong for there not to be a reason behind them, that we can “salvage” this, we need counselling and that he’s willing to do it. His line was basically, “willing and able is all you need to be.”

I brought up my family AGAIN because they hate him at this point. He said he doesn’t care. He’ll face my dad, he’ll face my uncle, whoever he has to face. And I want to be clear…. I wasn’t sitting there enthusiastically agreeing to any of this.
I kept telling him, “I don’t think you understand how much what you did hurt and affected me.”
I brought up the fact that my FAMILY is involved now.
The JUSTICE SYSTEM is involved now.
I told him we’ve taken this way too far.
At one point I even said something like, “What if we end up killing each other?”
What happens next time? Where does this end?
But then he would grab me or kiss me. At first I would push him away but I eventually I stopped.

While we were at his house he went inside to grab me some food and I was walking around the backyard. I noticed a woman’s bikini sitting on a shed in the back corner….Immediately annoyed. I didn’t say anything because I have absolutely no idea how long it’s been there or whose it is. But that’s where my brain immediately goes because I don’t trust him. Then we went out on his motorcycle and got ice cream. He was being extremely affectionate, still talking about us, vacations, getting past everything, moving through this and rebuilding. We went back to his house afterward and somehow one thing led to another and… we had sex. And it was good.
I hate even admitting that because our chemistry has NEVER been the issue.
Afterward I noticed fingerprint/hand marks all over the mirror on the wall beside his bed. It’s basically a sex mirror, so of course THAT pissed me off too. Again, I ignored it because I have no clue when those fingerprints got there or whose they even are. Anyways I slept over completely unplanned No pjs no toothbrush nothing. We just crashed.
This morning he drove me back to my car at the park, I went home, got ready and went to work.
And now he’s already texting me this morning asking how I am.

So there it is.
That is EXACTLY what I mean when I say I don’t trust my own perspective anymore.

Less than 24 hours earlier I could explain perfectly clearly why this relationship is insane.
And then several hours later I’m on the back of his motorcycle getting ice cream, having sex with him and accidentally spending the night at his house.
I don’t understand how both versions of me exist at the same time.
Can somebody genuinely love you and still be abusive toward you? Can somebody genuinely regret hurting you and still be part of an abusive cycle? It sounds diabolical
Also can I genuinely love him while also needing to stay the fuck away from him? What does it say that even AFTER the police, arrests, charges, injuries, family involvement and everything else, I can spend a few hours with him and somehow end up right back in his bed? Is that what people mean by a trauma bond or am I using that concept to avoid taking responsibility for the fact that I keep choosing to go back?

I feel like six months of this relationship has somehow turned into six years worth of events. I need people who have no emotional investment in either of us to tell me what they’re seeing because right now I genuinely cannot tell where love ends and dysfunction begins.

TLDR: Six months of cheating, pregnancy/abortion, repeated breakups, physical violence and now criminal charges, yet I still keep going back to him. Yesterday we met “just to talk” and I ended up sleeping with him again. I can see how unhealthy this is when we’re apart, but when I’m with him my perspective completely changes. Is this a trauma bond, mutually toxic relationship, or both?

I don’t really know how to explain what it’s like to be in a relationship that has slowly worn you down. Especially when you don’t have support, or family near you.
There wasn’t one day where everything suddenly became terrible. It happened little by little. The arguments. The defensiveness. The sarcasm. The way I’d bring up something that hurt me and somehow end up defending why I was hurt. The constant feeling that I needed to watch my words because I already knew how the conversation would go.

Eventually, I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells in my own relationship. I kept thinking maybe if I communicated better. Maybe if I gave him more time. Maybe if I stopped reacting emotionally. Maybe if he really understood how much this was hurting me, something would finally change.

Then we went on vacation with his family. We had this planned for a year or so, and I had just started my new job. I actually brought my work stuff with me because I had been off work for a year and was excited that I finally found a job, and I didn’t want to take off because of this vacation.
One day, we got into an argument at a store. He left me there. He literally walked away and left me inside the store while we were on a family vacation.

I remember standing there, kinda scared, thinking “what am I suppose to do? I wasn’t home. I didn’t have my own car. I didn’t have the money to just get a hotel and disappear. I was away from everything familiar, surrounded by his family, and suddenly I was completely on my own. And I cried.

Not just because he left me at a store.
I cried because something about that moment made me realize how alone I had already been feeling for a very long time. I’m in the middle of nowhere, I don’t know anyone, I don’t have family near me. I don’t have anyone to call. I did not drive here in my own vehicle. I haven’t even received my first paycheck yet to afford an uber back home for the 8 hour drive. It was awful.

I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.” But this felt different. I stopped wanting to convince him. I stopped wanting to explain the same pain for the hundredth time. I started thinking about how I’m going to leave.

The problem is, knowing you need to leave and actually being able to leave are two completely different things.
We live together. We’re both on a lease. I have pets. I have bills. I don’t have some perfect place waiting for me with enough money in the bank to start over tomorrow.
So right now, I’m in this awful in between. I’m still here physically, but mentally I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out.

That’s what I’ve learned about these situations.
Sometimes the person who looks the most “fine” is the person privately trying to figure out how to get free.
I don’t know exactly what happens next.
I just know that being left alone in that store on vacation was the moment I stopped asking myself, “how do I make this work” and told myself “okay, it’s time to leave, and plan in silence” thanks for listening.

Hello. I (28F) posted in this group a bit ago but my post got deleted. I was supposed to go through with my MA that day. I thought in Ontario you just walk into a clinic and your doctor prescribes you the pills to terminate, but I was wrong. In my city I have to go to the hospital to terminate, and they’re only open 2 days a week so I had to schedule it for weeks after. My appointment is next week on Tuesday, I have been over thinking and getting more and more anxious as time goes by. Yesterday being Mother’s Day, it was super hard for me. I don’t nearly all day crying and wondering what if… what if things were different. I am now 7 weeks 4 days, meaning for my appointment I’ll be 8 weeks 5 days. I’m hoping i can just do the surgical option because I’m scared to see a fetus or something.

The reason I have decided to terminate is because after finding out I was pregnant, my partner (38M) did a 360 switch up and ended up being a narcissist + mentally/emotionally abusive. There were red flags, but I didn’t see them right away with my rose coloured glasses. At first he was so happy I was pregnant, still is and hasn’t asked me once to get rid of it. He wants kids so bad because he doesn’t have them and he’s nearing 40. After finding out and pretending to be perfect for a week, he got controlling, tried telling me who I could and couldn’t hang out with, would degrade me when we would argue, kept accusing me of cheating even though he cheated on me a month into out relationship with his ex (ya I know it was beyond stupid to give him another chance) , started drinking more, was hot and cold, and it was just so unstable I knew I could not raise a family with him. I would be bringing the child into something so toxic and I grew up in a toxic environment and I just can’t repeat that cycle. My brain knows this, I know this, but it’s like my heart and my head aren’t connecting. I ended it with him 2 weeks ago after he almost got physical with me and got in my face, but he never stopped calling and texting me, despite seeing his exs car in his driveway and knowing he’s already onto the next (or past I guess lol) he never stopped. I know it’s because he still wants control over me and thinks bc I’m pregnant he has it. Besides me going back to school this year therefore having no education or savings to properly support this baby, I would be living in his house and depending on him for at least the first year of the baby’s life. Which I KNOW would end up in more abuse.

On Saturday I went to a 3 year olds birthday party, my best friends brothers kid, and seeing all the kids and little families was hard. Then the next day, Mother’s Day, was hard. I was alone all day and somehow everyone in my support system was busy. Mom picked up a shift, so did my sister and best friend, and I couldn’t go to my auntie and grandma because they don’t know about this situation and would certainly ask me to keep it since they’re religious. I felt so alone. He ended up texting me happy Mother’s Day, and came to my house to talk because he just “couldn’t function” all day, seeing kids at church and being reminded of what fatherhood could look like for him. Kept mentioning that he will drop anyone for me if I’m willing to try, that he wants me back and a bunch of promises that I know damn well are empty. He isn’t capable of it. Honestly the conversation was nothing new same old bs and I know he’s just not the one. He would be a terrible father. I’ve been a sick this past week with a heavy cold and he still insisted on sleeping in my bed and forced himself onto me to have sex after I refused multiple times. I felt so dirty this morning I couldn’t have scrubbed harder in the shower. I’m very disappointed in myself for letting him back in after 2 weeks of keeping him away from me, but I was so emotionally fucked up yesterday I’m also not surprised. This whole situation has made me feel the weakest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I barely recognize myself and know that this version of me should not be a mother. I wish I would have gone through with the abortion sooner but I did not know it would take this long here in Canada/Ontario.

What can I do to break this trauma bond I have? How can I stay firm on my decision to abort as I await it my appointment? I feel like the most stupid person in the world, because my mind knows what’s up but somehow my emotions are so strong that they take over. I am so back and forth with the abortion although I know what the right choice is, I keep crying and then getting angry and then crying again, because of course deep down I wish I could keep it. If only this wasn’t the reality I was in. I feel so fucking bipolar. Mentally unwell. I have always been a pretty strong girl but I just feel defeated and broken now. One part of me feels like I’ll never recover from this but another part of me feels that this is essential for my growth in loving myself and picking me. It just feels so hard. I hate everything about this and wish it was a bad dream I could just was up from. I’m sure my hormones have alot to do with it but fuck, this really sucks. If you read all this thank you, I have no one to talk to about my recent encounter from last night because I’m just too embarrassed about being so stupid and weak. Yes I have signed up for therapy, and yes I know I need metal help. If someone can just maybe understand where I’m coming from, that would be nice. Reddit has unfortunately been my saving grace during this situation. Thanks again guys

Hello. I (28F) posted in this group a bit ago. I was supposed to go through with my MA that day. I thought in Ontario you just walk into a clinic and your doctor prescribes you the pills to terminate, but I was wrong. In my city I have to go to the hospital to terminate, and they’re only open 2 days a week so I had to schedule it for weeks after. My appointment is next week on Tuesday, I have been over thinking and getting more and more anxious as time goes by. Yesterday being Mother’s Day, it was super hard for me. I don’t nearly all day crying and wondering what if… what if things were different. I am now 7 weeks 4 days, meaning for my appointment I’ll be 8 weeks 5 days. I’m hoping i can just do the surgical option because I’m scared to see a fetus or something.

The reason I have decided to terminate is because after finding out I was pregnant, my partner (38M) did a 360 switch up and ended up being a narcissist + mentally/emotionally abusive. There were red flags, but I didn’t see them right away with my rose coloured glasses. At first he was so happy I was pregnant, still is and hasn’t asked me once to get rid of it. He wants kids so bad because he doesn’t have them and he’s nearing 40. After finding out and pretending to be perfect for a week, he got controlling, tried telling me who I could and couldn’t hang out with, would degrade me when we would argue, kept accusing me of cheating even though he cheated on me a month into out relationship with his ex (ya I know it was beyond stupid to give him another chance) , started drinking more, was hot and cold, and it was just so unstable I knew I could not raise a family with him. I would be bringing the child into something so toxic and I grew up in a toxic environment and I just can’t repeat that cycle. My brain knows this, I know this, but it’s like my heart and my head aren’t connecting. I ended it with him 2 weeks ago after he almost got physical with me and got in my face, but he never stopped calling and texting me, despite seeing his exs car in his driveway and knowing he’s already onto the next (or past I guess lol) he never stopped. I know it’s because he still wants control over me and thinks bc I’m pregnant he has it. Besides me going back to school this year therefore having no education or savings to properly support this baby, I would be living in his house and depending on him for at least the first year of the baby’s life. Which I KNOW would end up in more abuse.

On Saturday I went to a 3 year olds birthday party, my best friends brothers kid, and seeing all the kids and little families was hard. Then the next day, Mother’s Day, was hard. I was alone all day and somehow everyone in my support system was busy. Mom picked up a shift, so did my sister and best friend, and I couldn’t go to my auntie and grandma because they don’t know about this situation and would certainly ask me to keep it since they’re religious. I felt so alone. He ended up texting me happy Mother’s Day, and came to my house to talk because he just “couldn’t function” all day, seeing kids at church and being reminded of what fatherhood could look like for him. Kept mentioning that he will drop anyone for me if I’m willing to try, that he wants me back and a bunch of promises that I know damn well are empty. He isn’t capable of it. Honestly the conversation was nothing new same old bs and I know he’s just not the one. He would be a terrible father. I’ve been a sick this past week with a heavy cold and he still insisted on sleeping in my bed and forced himself onto me to have sex after I refused multiple times. I felt so dirty this morning I couldn’t have scrubbed harder in the shower. I’m very disappointed in myself for letting him back in after 2 weeks of keeping him away from me, but I was so emotionally fucked up yesterday I’m also not surprised. This whole situation has made me feel the weakest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I barely recognize myself and know that this version of me should not be a mother. I wish I would have gone through with the abortion sooner but I did not know it would take this long here in Canada/Ontario.

What can I do to break this trauma bond I have? How can I stay firm on my decision to abort as I await it my appointment? I feel like the most stupid person in the world, because my mind knows what’s up but somehow my emotions are so strong that they take over. I am so back and forth with the abortion although I know what the right choice is, I keep crying and then getting angry and then crying again, because of course deep down I wish I could keep it. If only this wasn’t the reality I was in. I feel so fucking bipolar. Mentally unwell. I have always been a pretty strong girl but I just feel defeated and broken now. One part of me feels like I’ll never recover from this but another part of me feels that this is essential for my growth in loving myself and picking me. It just feels so hard. I hate everything about this and wish it was a bad dream I could just was up from. I’m sure my hormones have alot to do with it but fuck, this really sucks. If you read all this thank you, I have no one to talk to about my recent encounter from last night because I’m just too embarrassed about being so stupid and weak. Yes I have signed up for therapy, and yes I know I need metal help. If someone can just maybe understand where I’m coming from, that would be nice. Reddit has unfortunately been my saving grace during this situation. Thanks again guys

Hello. I (28F) posted in this group a bit ago but my post got deleted. I was supposed to go through with my MA that day. I thought in Ontario you just walk into a clinic and your doctor prescribes you the pills to terminate, but I was wrong. In my city I have to go to the hospital to terminate, and they’re only open 2 days a week so I had to schedule it for weeks after. My appointment is next week on Tuesday, I have been over thinking and getting more and more anxious as time goes by. Yesterday being Mother’s Day, it was super hard for me. I don’t nearly all day crying and wondering what if… what if things were different. I am now 7 weeks 4 days, meaning for my appointment I’ll be 8 weeks 5 days. I’m hoping i can just do the surgical option because I’m scared to see a fetus or something.

The reason I have decided to terminate is because after finding out I was pregnant, my partner (38M) did a 360 switch up and ended up being a narcissist + mentally/emotionally abusive. There were red flags, but I didn’t see them right away with my rose coloured glasses. At first he was so happy I was pregnant, still is and hasn’t asked me once to get rid of it. He wants kids so bad because he doesn’t have them and he’s nearing 40. After finding out and pretending to be perfect for a week, he got controlling, tried telling me who I could and couldn’t hang out with, would degrade me when we would argue, kept accusing me of cheating even though he cheated on me a month into out relationship with his ex (ya I know it was beyond stupid to give him another chance) , started drinking more, was hot and cold, and it was just so unstable I knew I could not raise a family with him. I would be bringing the child into something so toxic and I grew up in a toxic environment and I just can’t repeat that cycle. My brain knows this, I know this, but it’s like my heart and my head aren’t connecting. I ended it with him 2 weeks ago after he almost got physical with me and got in my face, but he never stopped calling and texting me, despite seeing his exs car in his driveway and knowing he’s already onto the next (or past I guess lol) he never stopped. I know it’s because he still wants control over me and thinks bc I’m pregnant he has it. Besides me going back to school this year therefore having no education or savings to properly support this baby, I would be living in his house and depending on him for at least the first year of the baby’s life. Which I KNOW would end up in more abuse.

On Saturday I went to a 3 year olds birthday party, my best friends brothers kid, and seeing all the kids and little families was hard. Then the next day, Mother’s Day, was hard. I was alone all day and somehow everyone in my support system was busy. Mom picked up a shift, so did my sister and best friend, and I couldn’t go to my auntie and grandma because they don’t know about this situation and would certainly ask me to keep it since they’re religious. I felt so alone. He ended up texting me happy Mother’s Day, and came to my house to talk because he just “couldn’t function” all day, seeing kids at church and being reminded of what fatherhood could look like for him. Kept mentioning that he will drop anyone for me if I’m willing to try, that he wants me back and a bunch of promises that I know damn well are empty. He isn’t capable of it. Honestly the conversation was nothing new same old bs and I know he’s just not the one. He would be a terrible father. I’ve been a sick this past week with a heavy cold and he still insisted on sleeping in my bed and forced himself onto me to have sex after I refused multiple times. I felt so dirty this morning I couldn’t have scrubbed harder in the shower. I’m very disappointed in myself for letting him back in after 2 weeks of keeping him away from me, but I was so emotionally fucked up yesterday I’m also not surprised. This whole situation has made me feel the weakest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I barely recognize myself and know that this version of me should not be a mother. I wish I would have gone through with the abortion sooner but I did not know it would take this long here in Canada/Ontario.

What can I do to break this trauma bond I have? How can I stay firm on my decision to abort as I await it my appointment? I feel like the most stupid person in the world, because my mind knows what’s up but somehow my emotions are so strong that they take over. I am so back and forth with the abortion although I know what the right choice is, I keep crying and then getting angry and then crying again, because of course deep down I wish I could keep it. If only this wasn’t the reality I was in. I feel so fucking bipolar. Mentally unwell. I have always been a pretty strong girl but I just feel defeated and broken now. One part of me feels like I’ll never recover from this but another part of me feels that this is essential for my growth in loving myself and picking me. It just feels so hard. I hate everything about this and wish it was a bad dream I could just was up from. I’m sure my hormones have alot to do with it but fuck, this really sucks. If you read all this thank you, I have no one to talk to about my recent encounter from last night because I’m just too embarrassed about being so stupid and weak. Yes I have signed up for therapy, and yes I know I need metal help. If someone can just maybe understand where I’m coming from, that would be nice. Reddit has unfortunately been my saving grace during this situation. Thanks again guys

A few weeks ago, I (28F) found out I was pregnant. I’m around 4–5 weeks right now. I have a job, I live on my own… on paper it might not seem like the worst timing. But the reality hit me fast, and it hit hard.I don’t have a real career yet. I was planning on going back to school this September. I don’t have savings for a baby. My credit isn’t great. And more than anything… my situation is not stable. From the moment I found out I was pregnant it’s been pure panic and worry. Not once have I felt happy.

The father (38M) was thrilled when I told him.

For about a week, he was being great. Making me breakfast in bed. Making sure I was eating healthy. Coming to appointments with me. Watching pregnancy videos about how to support me. Talking about getting married at the courthouse before the baby arrives. Looking into buying a home. Even talking about getting me a bigger car.

For a week, I felt safe. I thought maybe this could actually work.

And then he completely switched.

He had already cheated on me before. That alone should have been enough for me to leave, and I hate admitting that I stayed. I know that was my cue. He got me pregnant the day I let him back in. I remember being annoyed because he usually doesn’t finish inside me, but I let it go because we were “trying again.” I didn’t think anything of it until I missed my period and just knew. That’s something I’m still trying to process.

Like I said at the beginning, I didn’t even feel happy about the pregnancy. I felt off, disconnected. I had one day where I opened up about feeling down and unsure… and after that, everything changed.

He became controlling. Suspicious. Cold, then intense.

One minute saying the right things, the next making me feel like I was doing something wrong just for existing.

He started questioning me constantly. Watching me. Blowing up my phone when I was with my family.

Tracking my location and interrogating me about it.

Trying to tell me I couldn’t see my best friend?!?!

He also started drinking more after work.

He told me I don’t have a purpose in life, that he was going to give me one.

That my life is a mess.

That I’m emotionally unstable.

That I don’t know how to treat a man.

That I don’t cook enough for him.

That he regrets ever saying he wanted to marry me.

And then telling me I need to “submit” to him because he knows what’s best for me….. lol.

It stopped feeling like love and started feeling like something I had to survive.

My final straw was this weekend. He got in my face and almost got physical with me. He hit my hands while I was chopping garlic and sent the cutting board and knife flying across the room.

I froze.

And then I grabbed my things and left. Because in that moment, I knew… if he can do that now, while I’m newly pregnant, he is capable of more.

I cannot bring a child into this.

Because that wouldn’t just be a baby.

That would be a lifetime tie to someone who makes me feel unsafe in my own mind.

I grew up with a narcissistic father. I know what that does to a child. I’m still healing from it in my late twenties. My mom is still trying to rebuild herself from it. I can’t continue that cycle.

I’ve cried more than I can explain over this. I’ve gone back and forth so many times it’s exhausting. But deep down, I know I would be doing a child a disservice bringing them into this.

So today, I’m going to the clinic to take the pills.

I feel heavy… but I also feel relief.

I know I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing not to tie my life to pain. I’m choosing to wait until I can give a child the kind of home they deserve, and be the kind of mother I know I can be.

And if I’m being completely honest… I haven’t felt connected to this pregnancy. Not once. No excitement, no warmth, no “nesting.” Just anxiety, disconnection, and a deep knowing that this isn’t right. I feel guilty for that. I really do.

But I also know I don’t want to bring a child into the world that is half of someone who treats me like this. He would not be a good father.

I just really need some encouragement right now… because this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do this far in my life.

A few weeks ago, I (28F) found out I was pregnant. I’m around 4–5 weeks right now. I have a job, I live on my own… on paper it might not seem like the worst timing. But the reality hit me fast, and it hit hard.I don’t have a real career yet. I was planning on going back to school this September. I don’t have savings for a baby. My credit isn’t great. And more than anything… my situation is not stable. From the moment I found out I was pregnant it’s been pure panic and worry. Not once have I felt happy.

The father (38M) was thrilled when I told him.

For about a week, he was being great. Making me breakfast in bed. Making sure I was eating healthy. Coming to appointments with me. Watching pregnancy videos about how to support me. Talking about getting married at the courthouse before the baby arrives. Looking into buying a home. Even talking about getting me a bigger car.

For a week, I felt safe. I thought maybe this could actually work.

And then he completely switched.

He had already cheated on me before. That alone should have been enough for me to leave, and I hate admitting that I stayed. I know that was my cue. He got me pregnant the day I let him back in. I remember being annoyed because he usually doesn’t finish inside me, but I let it go because we were “trying again.” I didn’t think anything of it until I missed my period and just knew. That’s something I’m still trying to process.

Like I said at the beginning, I didn’t even feel happy about the pregnancy. I felt off, disconnected. I had one day where I opened up about feeling down and unsure… and after that, everything changed.

He became controlling. Suspicious. Cold, then intense.

One minute saying the right things, the next making me feel like I was doing something wrong just for existing.

He started questioning me constantly. Watching me. Blowing up my phone when I was with my family.

Tracking my location and interrogating me about it.

Trying to tell me I couldn’t see my best friend?!?!

He also started drinking more after work.

He told me I don’t have a purpose in life, that he was going to give me one.

That my life is a mess.

That I’m emotionally unstable.

That I don’t know how to treat a man.

That I don’t cook enough for him.

That he regrets ever saying he wanted to marry me.

And then telling me I need to “submit” to him because he knows what’s best for me….. lol.

It stopped feeling like love and started feeling like something I had to survive.

My final straw was this weekend. He got in my face and almost got physical with me. He hit my hands while I was chopping garlic and sent the cutting board and knife flying across the room.

I froze.

And then I grabbed my things and left. Because in that moment, I knew… if he can do that now, while I’m newly pregnant, he is capable of more.

I cannot bring a child into this.

Because that wouldn’t just be a baby.

That would be a lifetime tie to someone who makes me feel unsafe in my own mind.

I grew up with a narcissistic father. I know what that does to a child. I’m still healing from it in my late twenties. My mom is still trying to rebuild herself from it. I can’t continue that cycle.

I’ve cried more than I can explain over this. I’ve gone back and forth so many times it’s exhausting. But deep down, I know I would be doing a child a disservice bringing them into this.

So today, I’m going to the clinic to take the pills.

I feel heavy… but I also feel relief.

I know I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing not to tie my life to pain. I’m choosing to wait until I can give a child the kind of home they deserve, and be the kind of mother I know I can be.

And if I’m being completely honest… I haven’t felt connected to this pregnancy. Not once. No excitement, no warmth, no “nesting.” Just anxiety, disconnection, and a deep knowing that this isn’t right. I feel guilty for that. I really do.

But I also know I don’t want to bring a child into the world that is half of someone who treats me like this. He would not be a good father.

I just really need some encouragement right now… because this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do this far in my life.