r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse

I have my son primary custody and been apart from his narcissist father for 3.5 years. We’ve been broken up for 4 years and we were off/on before that after my son was born. The push/pull made me realize how draining he was. Picking fights and keeping me up late. Throwing things at me. Broke my kitchen window. Financial abuse. Never paid me back for thousands of dollars. He’s a huge takeaway and did not add anything to my life in terms of peace, fun or monetarily. We now have a custody agreement and he pays child support (didn’t pay the last 7 months) because he claimed he couldn’t find a job because I got him arrested for stalking and harassing me one year ago.

He got a new job and he broke up with his girlfriend. The past year or so when he was with her he mostly left me alone. Now that he’s single his texts are increasing. I’m friendly back, then he makes a sexual comment and I block him. Then a week later when my son goes over for his weekend, I unblock in order to have access in case of emergency or if my son wants to FaceTime.

Last night my son’s half sister went to the ER and I asked for updates. I don’t flirt at all btw and his messages and jokes started to become sexual again. I woke up to love bombing and him repeating the same guilt trips that he’s said for 4 years. I’m horrible, he loves me and wants to be a family. When I block he calls from a blocked number and leaves voicemails acting like something is urgent and repeating himself that he’s just loving me and he doesn’t know why he’s blocked. This has been my life for 4 YEARS and our relationship was pure chaos for 3 years before that. I am TIRED and I want it to stop. 7 years of hell! 12 more to go!

How do you make them stop?! He’s now calling me a liar about a work dinner next week and I’m not responding/taking the bait. He puts me on a pedestal and devalues me again and again. It’s endless. Any and all advice is appreciated! I want peace and this whole thing is burning me out!!

i feel uneasy lately. they’re all blocked now so idk what they’re doing but they’re probably attacking my character constantly

Good evening everyone,
I was in a relationship some years ago where I was very unhealed and thought the man I was with was the saviour of my life, I adored him and would do absolutely anything to get him to love me.
It didn’t work. Nothing I did was good enough. He pedestalised me in the beginning, but would pull away at all the crucial moments and leave me dizzy between whether he loved me or not.
Over time, nothing I did was enough despite the fact I adored him and did everything with so much heart and care for him. He discarded me. While I knew it was time, I was crushed by the fact he showed zero emotion and moved on immediately while I was saddled with the grief.

One time, we were at my cousin’s wedding and we had been getting on beautifully all day. He had gone to great effort to travel to be there and he was lovely company . While the speeches were taking place, my mum asked when it would be him and her daughter, and he said in full knowing earshot of me, “but we aren’t getting married”. - the last I’d heard, he’d been hypothetically imagining our wedding down to the finer details. He said he hoped we would be next to each other in rocking chairs in the same nursing home when we were old.

Now, some years later, he’s engaged to be married. That’s ok. We all grow up and continue with our lives. But the instagram post was all full of incredulity that this other worldly being had agreed to marry his lowly self , and how utterly grateful he is to her for agreeing to marry him.

But I admit. It stings that I adored him, loved him so so much, did everything for him, put up with all of his bizarre quirks , understood him, ‘got him’, and I was treated like a pile of rubbish by him in the end, while somehow this woman must have the magical je ne sais quoi!!! How’s she managed to bewitch him like this?! What’s her magic trick? How?

It’s in the past but it reignites the old wound that no matter what I do it’s never enough, while other women sail in and are worshipped.

This is not to discredit anyone in their current experience, as I know it can be very consuming and impactful in stages, and I'm probably lucky in many ways to be at stage far from those feelings, but thought it may be helpful to come back to a forum like this to share.

After leaving the original person I associate with this stuff and having read about the patterns over time rejected "hoover" attempts etc I'm now at a stage where it is just potently dull feeling..

There are so many people in this world who are so much more interesting and worthwhile meeting, and the world has what feels like abundant/infinite diversity of sensations and perceptions to experience which are much more rich and stimulating.

Every time a narcissist from the past tries one of their tactics I just have a flat feeling, like an inner sigh or yawn. These people will attempt to present as somehow new or different each time but the underlying feeling of similarity /mediocrity persists.

I haven't read about this much if at all.. anyone relate?

Tips for healing? I really could use some.

Did your partner use sex workers ?

I just found out tonight my partner was using them ...I wasn't enough for him .

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

Guys I need your take on this so my ex spouse told me weeks ago that my daughter needed surgery, she told me the place and time (lied) so I went to the children’s hospital, and as soon as she got off the elevator she was storming to the check in counter with the guy who’s she’s engaged to and was and was left wondering what’s going on..

Anyways after she told them a story behind the closed door one of the surgeons came out and told me she’s saying your not supposed to be here and she has enough people here to wait for the duration of the procedure. So meanwhile I notice the security guard just lingering around in the hallway but not too far from where I was my daughter came and sat next to me all the way up until the surgeon came out and pulled me aside.

I pressed the elevator button and waved to my daughter and she waved back with a sad look in her eyes.. the procedure ended up being for 10:30 and not 9am.

I’m almost certain that she’s not going to tell me the outcome of it even if I ask, as that has happened before with my son with me having to wait at least 6 hours between messages in the court appointed app.— feeling emotional.

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind my ex-wife's behaviour because, after more than 30 years together, I genuinely struggle to reconcile the person I knew for most of my life with the way she has treated me since our relationship broke down.

We were together since I was 14, she's 3 years older.She was my first and only relationship. We grew up together, had children together and built our entire adult lives around each other. So I'm not looking at this as some stranger who suddenly became difficult. I'm trying to understand how someone I loved for more than three decades can behave towards me in the way she has.

There have been things that go far beyond ordinary anger or resentment following a separation.

I've experienced physical incidents including being punched, grabbed and left bruised, having my T-shirts ripped, being strangled, having a belt put around my neck and being burned with an iron. On another occasion, a toilet brush was used against me and made me strip and bath in front of her under threat she would confront my parents about being paleadophiles. These aren't things I ever imagined would happen in the relationship I spent most of my life in.

There has also been a huge amount of controlling and intimidating behaviour. My location has been monitored through Life360, and an AirTag was placed in my car. I've been subjected to accusations and threats, including threats that she would tell people that I had raped her. That's an incredibly frightening thing to have hanging over you, particularly when you know it isn't true.

It's also affected people around me. My parents have been dragged into the conflict and have been called paedophiles. I disclosed somthing that happened as a child to me, to her and shes now using it as a weapon.

That has been incredibly distressing for them and has badly damaged relationships within my family.

There was also an incident involving another woman I had been speaking to, simply a friend who's going through seperation herself, where my ex-wife contacted her and threatened to tell her husband. Again, it felt less like someone trying to move on and more like an attempt to intimidate, expose or punish anyone connected with my life outside the marriage.

Then there are the children.

From my perspective, there have been occasions where they seem to be encouraged or rewarded for speaking negatively about me or repeating stories about me that I believe are untrue. I'm watching them increasingly gravitate towards my wife's new partner, and that's incredibly painful. I don't know how much of that is deliberate, how much is the natural consequence of separation and how much is simply children trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation.

Financially, I'm still contributing significantly. Despite being separated for nearly a year, I'm still contributing towards the children, the mortgage and other costs, while also trying to establish a life for myself. Yet I can still feel as though I'm being portrayed as someone who doesn't contribute or doesn't care.

What I'm trying to understand is why someone behaves like this. Is it anger? Fear? Guilt? Resentment? A need to regain control? A way of dealing with the guilt or consequences of ending a 30-year relationship? Is attacking the other person psychologically easier than accepting responsibility for the pain caused by the breakdown of the marriage?

I don't know.

And I'm deliberately not trying to diagnose her. I don't know what is going on inside her head and I don't think a Reddit post can establish that.

What I do know is the effect it has had on me.

I've gone from being someone's husband for more than 30 years to feeling like I'm somebody she wants to punish. I've lost my home life, my marriage and a huge amount of my relationship with my wider family. I'm sleeping on my parents' sofa while she remains in the family home. I'm still financially contributing, I'm still trying to be a father, and I'm still trying to understand how the person who was once the most important person in my life can now treat me with such hostility.

Maybe that's the part I'm struggling with most.

I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. I'm trying to understand it because understanding it might help me stop asking myself the same question over and over:

How did the woman I spent more than 30 years with become someone who could treat me like this?

This might be oddly specific, but my (presumably narcissistic) on-and-off partner has done something throughout the years that I still find incredibly bizarre.

Whenever we argued in public, for example while we were parked somewhere, and I started crying, he would get angry and accuse me of looking at strangers so they would “help” me. But I wasn’t even making eye contact with anyone. I just couldn’t stand looking at him because I felt so awful, so I would look away.

He was convinced that people would assume he was abusing me and seemed very concerned about maintaining his “reputation” in the neighborhood.

I’ve never understood this. If your partner is crying, why would your immediate thought be “people are going to think I’m abusing them”?

Has anyone else experienced this? It still feels bizarre to me looking back.

My mind is reconciling the last 2 years. I have just requested the 911 calls audio. I may or may not post screenshots at some point. This is public. He doesn’t scare me and I’m never going back.

The fog has lifted. I literally feel like someone that just left a cult… brainwashed and controlled.

I knew things were deeply wrong since the beginning. I was under severe coercive control… experiencing cognitive dissonance. I was trauma bonded. His DNA literally lives in me forever because I was pregnant with his child. The intermittent reinforcement left me feeling confused all the time. I spent my life defending myself against things that were so far out of my character that it began to turn me into a different person. The abuse got so insane I started reacting. Now, he had something to blame me for. “See? See how you acted?” I continued to seek comfort from the very person that was abusing me.

He called me all the things HE is and accused me of doing all the things HE was doing. His projection at the end was so wild that it occurred to me they were confessions.

I hung onto hope, what-ifs, love, and pity. I told myself he wasn’t “abusive,” he was just messed up. But he was working on himself!

Reality completely warped and twisted.

I now know what covert narcissism is, what untreated mental health issues looks like.

Love bombing, conditioning me to see him this way and constantly look for that version of him (it’s not real)
Habitual lies, making me question my own reality, denying the truth
DARVO, always the victim even of his own behavior
Guilt tripping
Accusations and assassinating my character
Destroying holidays and important events
Sulking, sighs, feigning problems that weren’t even real
Triangulation
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Severe paranoia
Control without it being overt or obvious
Selfishness
Defensiveness
Splitting
Name calling
Hypersensitivity
Entitlement without merit
Financial irresponsibility, impulsivity
Withholding affection
Inability to regulate emotions
Acting helpless
“All my exes are narcissists, so was my mom, and my dad and his wife, your friends… so are YOU” also “my ex cheated on me” (I find any of this hard to believe)
Screaming in my face
Taking without reciprocity
Threats to harm me and “make me pay”
Push/pull: cry, apologize, promise, love bomb… devalue, minimize, criticize
Manufactured stories in his mind to make himself the good guy and me/others the bad guy

I could write a book. I’m honestly holding back from the craziest parts. It took me 2 years to see what he was actually doing to me. I’m not a stupid woman, I don’t have low self esteem. I was living in a world with a man that had done things for me that no one ever had, acted like he loved me and my son, and was really, really good to me (at times)… while the next minute he was absolutely evil and behaving like a maniac.

I couldn’t use the word abuse because… he loved me. People that love you don’t abuse you. This was 100% abuse. I was wrong over the last year for the way I began to react. I should have just stayed gone.

I’m happy and free now. I’m working on picking myself up. My home is what is was before, my and my son’s sanctuary of peace and joy.

I am currently dealing with a narcissistic roommate who has abused me and my ex-girlfriend psychologically for months. I once had a lot of respect for her and she was considered a friend to me and my ex. That has changed (details in below comment)

I have tried greyrocking and trying to ignore the behaviour. It worked but I have had some frustrations. This horrible person has continued to try to manipulate people and twist things as I have attempted to stay on good terms with my ex.

For reference, I moved here when I was young and I have wanted to leave to go back home. My partner and I clashed over this and eventually reached an understanding that we want to be in different places. 

We broke up but we still care about each other and we are still trying to be on good terms. We have been working through our issues and we have made strides in understanding what has gone wrong. We made our mistakes but many problems that pre-existed were escalated by this roommate's interference.

This roommate lived with my ex when we started dating and failed to pay her end of the utilities at their old place. I manage my father's old property from when we lived here as a family (he and my siblings have moved and I am here to go to school). Instead of moving out on her own, this roommate convinced me to have her move into the house with my girlfriend at the time. 

My at-the-time girlfriend and I were navigating conflict. The roommate got into our heads, influencing the relationship under the guise of wanting to help. She insisted that my wish to move back home and pursue my dreams of being a teacher there was an ultimatum for my at-the-time girlfriend. When lightly challenged, she doubled down. This gaslighting led to fights between me and my partner which hindered our ability to navigate an already difficult situation.
Since ending the relationship, the house has been sold and I am stuck living with both of them.

My attempts to greyrock have been met with her ingenuinely stating "if you don't tell me what's bothering you, I can't do anything about it" (when called out, she has only said things like "sorry you feel that way" or "I should be nicer when I tell you the truth" while still clinging to harmful narratives).

Sadly, today this got to me. I lost my composure because my ex is still on good terms with this person, despite everything she has done to both of us (full list below). I shouted about the roommate but to my ex. 

The roommate ran into the room. I told her to just stay in her room and that this conversation didn't concern her. She insisted it did due to my volume. 
She told me that shouting is unacceptable and demanded that I spell out what she did to me (my ex has previously spelled it out and she has said she does not feel that I deserve an apology).

I told her it's disturbing to me that it isn't obvious and she suggested that I didn't even know what I am upset; that I wasn't using adult words and that I was too agitated to have the conversation. When I got into details, she said I wasn't making sense and left the room.

I apologised to my ex. I never yelled that way before and I know that this is 1. what the narcissistic roommate wants and 2. a poor way of dealing with my frustration.

How can I handle this situation better? How can I avoid giving this person the rise she wants out of me in the future?

Did my covert passive aggressive narcissistic ex fiance ever love me? Like he can’t even look me in the eye when he talks to me. We still live together and I’m moving out soon. He is binge drinking every night. I’m in the discard phase of this and I still get very emotional. It just doesn’t feel fair because I had a deep unconditional love for him and went through so much abuse…but I’m the problem?! I’m struggling with the confusion of everything. Why do I still care?

I don't really trust my instincts anymore. I've been seeing a very nice person after leaving my NEx. But I find myself always questioning.

Any dating advice / red flags to look for so I don't repeat old patterns?

I'm 7 months no contact .

Only now coming out of the thick of the trauma bond . I was absolutely crazy for him because I was addicted .

Unfortunately I now associate all the lovey gooey feelings with cruelty and conditioning too now . I'm really not wanting to fall in love again or get infatuated in fact I am totally adverse to it . Its actually makes me feel quite unwell thinking about it .

My ex discarded me a month ago after avoiding me for three days. Then they left my apartment before we could even have a full conversation about it.

Last week I saw them at the bar I frequent and decided to confront them. During that conversation I asked them if they'd heard of vulnerable/covert narcissism, and suggested they look into it because they have a lot of (all) the traits.

Two days later I texted them asking if they'd be at that same bar that night, because I didn't want to run into them again, and they blocked me.

I was spiralling about this until my therapist said that narcissists are extremely fragile and will cut off anyone who poses a threat to their image or delusion. I guess I'll never know if this is really true, but telling myself they blocked me because I finally saw them for what they really are and called them on it is the only thing that has made me feel better since the discard.

Has anyone else experienced being completely cut off after naming and shaming a narcissist?

In your experience, has this been true?

The day I left, I asked him to provide proof he wasn’t lying about something, asked for accountability, and set a boundary.

He called me an evil, lying, cheating woman that he knows has been sleeping with other men the entire 2 years of our relationship.

I’m not evil, I’ve literally never lied, and I’ve never cheated. I was never even with anyone else during our separations. He is a habitual liar and has done so many things behind my back. He has told me our entire relationship he’d “never ever cheat, he’d never do that, he’s the most loyal man, etc.”

I feel like I am living in some weird dream/nightmare 5 months post relationship and had never been around someone I would consider a narcissist. I know the term gets thrown around so loosely in recent times but after my cousin who I have been venting to sent me a video and some articles a lot of the things I experienced lined up....

The relationship in total was only about 10 months long the first 3-4 months felt like a fantasy romance. I found a woman who would pay for dates or pay me back when I paid. Compliment me to the point I felt a little uncomfy or more than I was used to from previous girlfriends, give me small gifts or cook or help me with tasks if asked. Everything felt "intentional" but in the moment I thought oh wow I found a good one and we match up on so many life values and long term goals. I was a little anxious because I felt like I was giving up my normal gym routine or lifestyle to please her but it all felt so intense when we were together. I shouldn't be napping after work because that would take time away from hanging with her. Same goes for the gym I need to work out in the morning so then we could spend the evening together. I felt anxious like if I didn't alter my life or give back this same energy she would probably leave and I didn't wanna lose the best woman/woman I matched with the most so far in my life did I? This was just compromising for love right?

I met her family early on only in the 2nd or 3rd month I think. They were very caring and nice. I don't think we went more than a few hours without texting unless we were both sleeping at any point as well...I have also noticed she had no close deep friendships...all her friends were from her church or work and she had a large quantity of them...but none of them were really deep and quality in my opinion. The longest relationships she had were college friends who didn't live in the same state as us. I even remember little "jabs" or comments she actually made sometime things like "I am a catch you know?"...I also am realizing this now but I think she was on her 6th therapist (I don't know if narcs switch a lot if they are challenged on their beliefs?) She seemed to have a legit past trauma for trying to find the right one though so I brushed it off.

At some point I had come across her public twitter where she would post almost like a public diary about different things that she didn't display to her family or any closer friends. Memes of course but posts about being depressed, life being bad at the slightest inconvenience, I looked back at earlier posts venting about men or ex bfs after a failed relationship...and also when we had talked about past relationships ALL her ex boyfriends seemed to be crazy/bad people and I thought at the time that made sense (some of them sounded legit bad from what she had told me). At some point about 4-5 months in my friends had thrown me a surprise party for my birthday. My ex had also asked what I wanted to do for my bday (I have never really celebrated my bday this was all the first time) I felt overwhelmed...a gf wanted to celebrate my bday how I wanted! I told her just a burger and milk shake and us on the couch would be a perfect night for me. I remember thinking she seemed to be almost awkward at both these celebrations or after my party at least...quiet/weird or seemed out of her element like something bothered her. Right after both our birthdays around 5 months in when we had settled into a more stable routine and the fireworks had died down she sat me down wanting to break up. I was so confused? We lined up we were becoming more trusting and secure with each other? Sure our nights were boring but normally you say "hey lets get back some of that energy"? I thought you just work through these regular intimacy bumps not throw away a relationship where you line up on so many different values, humor, and lifestyle choices. I was shocked and cried so much. I usually am so good at going no contact no matter how a relationship ends or who ends it but this one was eating at me we kept texting on and off. I felt like I was the reason it had all come crashing down and kept chasing her. At some point 1-2 months later we both said we hadn't been with anyone and we should try again and I would work on the issues she had with keeping up the energy/romance.

Well the second time it ended about 2-3 months later hurt worse. I remember returning her key crying and she was just expressionless and cold. The day before she texted me that she had to end it we had the same exact energy and texting tone as the beginning. I assumed she had just checked out earlier than I thought but the 180 switch in how cold and distant she texted as soon as she wanted to end it and wanted her key back gave me whiplash. I returned her key crying and beating myself up while she stood there just telling me it's okay. She had a kitchen sink list of things about me as a reason for ending the relationship that she had texted me when I was begging for closure or reasons she was ending things. (yea I shouldn't need closure from someone else but I was really racking my brain why this was ending...) Things I felt were very fixable but also in this list she texted me it seemed so twisted and exagerated I was more mad/frustrated at this point. Like we had experienced 2 different realities. She told me all these reasons she was leaving and that I couldn't listen to her properly when she had stated these things she had wanted/needed. The times she had "communicated" with me felt very vague or felt like she had never brought up these topics at all even. I had been ruminating and spiraling for months after while she vague posted on twitter about me being a bad guy. I have never had an ex in my life seem so....cold or uncaring after a break up or not take ANY accountability for any part of the relationship ending. I felt like such a monster/villain in her story and sure I'm not perfect and I messed up in the relationship but to have someone tell me that I was the cause of it all ending was so awful. I remember at one point after the first break up she had told me I was the only one standing in the way of a healthy relationship there was also some version of "you don't really seem like you're in a healthy enough spot to date right now you should seek therapy".

I finally feel after 5 months (longest I have been hung up on any of my relationships to be honest) I am finally seeing out of the fog. I still am unsure or not wanting to be quick to just blame someone as a narc. From what I typed out does it seem to be the case? Or just someone with low emotional capacity/or us unable to communicate together when times got tougher? I think that is the last thing I have been stuck on about the break up.

Hello everyone, I could really use some support.

My husbands mother is a raging abusive covert narcissist. My father was also a narcissist but he was more grandiose and I had never seen her subtype of narcissism before. First she befriended me, I saw her as a nervous insecure older woman nervous about aging and feeling very othered and me being pretty confident, having lost my mother whom I dearly loved I felt protective of her. I truly felt she was one of my best friends. I soon discovered that she had launched a smear campaign behind my back to my husband.

Many of the milestones that are important to a couple were secretly sabotaged by her— we made plans to move, to increase our income and purchase a home. He had a great career and made great money.

He began shifting his career to meet our higher goal and I got hard at work on my portion of our plan and then things just kind of fell apart and I couldn’t understand why. He kept saying that he was worried about our financial security, that he was working too many hours and suggesting delays in our plans. Next thing you know he quits his job, his plans stalled and we are in a horrible financial situation. I later discovered that his mother had been planting seeds about how hard it was to work at his job. He was working in an environment that really suited his strengths and making crazy money.

He could have very well bought the business in a year or two and be set for life. Long story short, in our relationship all roads have led back to her. It has really bothered me to feel so set up and so sabotaged by my partner via his mother. She mocked my work and career to everyone in the family including him, she kept telling him I was using him for money and that I would begin an affair and every progress in my career became proof that I was unfaithful.

I finally decided to move on my own and get on with my plans on my own. He ended up moving with me. Her abuse towards him worsened, taking away control of investment accounts and properties that gave us both a sense of security. Long story short he’s going to therapy but rebuilding financially is rough.

He has habits like pathologically lying about stupid seemingly innocent things that cause major chaos.
Like telling me he’s paid the rent. I ask him if he’s sent a confirmation of the transfer and he says yes, next thing I know eviction is being served because he “didn’t know his transfer didn’t go through” and he lied about double checking. It’s repeated patterns like this that really make me fed up, I’m trying to support him but I’m traumatized too, I need support too, I am also scared and vulnerable and stressed. I keep steeling myself to make things work and create safety for us and I feel constantly sabotaged by him and how he’s managing his healing process. Sometimes I also feel like he uses his trauma as an enabler to be immature and irresponsible snd harm me without taking responsibility.

There are other things but I’m keeping it short not to overwhelm. Has anyone successfully healed from having a narc parent in this way? How much of this is his responsibility and how much of this is a result of his abuse? I keep trying to be patient but I’m being harmed by the endless unnecessary stressors he brings into my life and I’m feeling really really angry about it. It’s one thing that she’s abusive and has really harmed us both but the lying and the impulsivity and the behaviors that really harm me are infuriating me. We can’t afford any more sessions this month ao talking through things will really help.

Thank you in advance.

I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments.

I was getting ready for work and he had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.

So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?