r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse

what’s the psyche behind this?
They claim to really love you and care for you and be a “well wisher” but as soon as you act in a way that’s not serving them or different form what they expected they start a smear campaign against you? But are sweet to your face still?

What’s going on? I feel so confused
They manage to gaslight without words LOL

It makes you think of them b*tching about you is all in your head

Ex and I have been nc for almost 7 months now. In the begining the pain I went through was self blame, missing him, missing the relationship, or at least what I thought it was. Missing the person I was and how I felt, basically the fantasy.

These last months have been a roller coaster of suffering! But Id say for a month now I havent thought of him as much and the pain has pretty much been gone for a bit longer than that. I cant tell what a relief it was to look back and not be in pain.

But two nights ago something changed I started having flash backs. Not just thinking about all the crappy things he did but certain occasions where I was severely abused. And these memories are causing so much hurt. I almost feel like the truama bond is a defense mechanism shielding you from the devastation while its going on. Denial. I think Im pretty much over the truama bond bc before when Id think back to the SA and other incidents they werent torturous as they are now when having flash backs.

Im not really sure what Im going through. All I know is I suffered during the relationship, during the break up and still now. I knkw everyone heals in their own time. I just hope Im not stuck in this hell forever. Before meeting him I didnt know someone could be so cruel and selfish. I didnt know your mind and emotion could get hijacked. I didnt know I could be used, controlled and abused so easily. I want my life back. I want to be me again but now Im not so sure thats possible. I was soft, kind, open, and trusting....I dont know what I am anymore

Things he has done to me:

\- lied about where he's from, where he grew up, his family (originally said he shared a dad with his half brother and now saying he shared a mom with him)

\- promised to stop talking to my former bullies, but did so behind my back and was maintaining a whole friendship with them (I told him it was fine if they were his friends, but he insisted on cutting them off, however it was just a lie)

\- gaslights me when I catch him in lies, saying things like "I can't believe you don't trust me" "you're a bad boyfriend to think so low of me" "your anxiety is unbearable, I can't handle you" knowing I 100% caught him in a lie. (I know I'm not wrong because he later admitted to some of the lies, since there was indisputable evidence)

\- talks often about all the guys and girls (we're both bi) that are interested in him, and he brings up these options anytime he is upset at me

\- never takes accountability, makes up excuses for everything. Ex. He said him lying to me wasn't a big deal because our relationship isn't deep yet, and he said him talking to friends behind my back wasn't a big deal because he didn't love me much at the time, and wasn't going to stop talking to people that were mean to me for "someone I don't love. I don't regret it"

Im sure my ex of 6 months dropped a nano mic in my ear, and they've been talking in my ear. (Mainly her new partner) to get to my head they have been telling me weird things and trying to mess with my head. Causing emotional distress. Anyone experienced something similar? Im sure there also microphones in my home, I already kicked her out but im sure she lost the mic in my home and i can still hear them.

If they hate women so much why do they get married?

I’m 1 month out from leaving a narcissistic partner.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was happening during the relationship - he had a young child who became an excuse, a weapon and a shield for his behavior.

The relationship went on for a year and 7 months, at one point we were living together.

Throughout that time, my gut instinct was trying to get my attention.
i rationalized everything, made excuses, was lenient because he had a child etc

The very last time I saw him - he crossed a major boundary and i confronted him. I was angry, raised my voice and this became the problem ( rather than the boundary he crossed)
He took it upon himself to intimidate, shove me and raise a chair over his head - at me. He had that shark like gaze. And in that moment it became apparent that i was likely dealing with NPD.

I called the cops, reported him, blocked him everywhere. I have maintained no contact since.

The past few weeks i have been grappling with grief, reflecting on my part in the story, trying to understand what happened. All the emotions, really, from relief to despair to joy.

Studying NPD and learning about the signs.

This morning while waking up - an insight came through.

‘Become unbothered’

Refocus my energy and entire life.

And now its deciding what that looks like for me.

Of course, grief will return as it needs to and i’ll have to work through it.

But i have a clear path insight now.

Maybe this helps someone also experiencing this <3

I met my ex in 2022 when I was 23F and he was 19M, on our first date he said he takes on other people’s personalities and I should have run away when I heard that , but I didn’t, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we had a beautiful relationship for a couple months. During these good months I noticed his sister has a personality disorder as she used to fake faint and one day she fainted outside his open bedroom door while him and I were hanging out, I pointed out “I thought it was a lie but this seems pretty real” and after that day everything went down hill, my ex used to cancel our plans because his sister would always have an emergency, even on my birthday and I should have known what was coming for me when my ex’s sister sent her girlfriend to the mental hospital. His mom was also controlling but pushing for him to move in with me pretty quickly, I was living alone at the time.
We ended up living together for a couple months then broke it off. We probably spent 8 months apart and in those months he used to show up constantly and unannounced to drop off flowers and other gifts which put pressure because i felt like I couldn’t date anyone else because he was showing up all the time at my door and the notes with the gifts always gave unwanted information about him going on trips.
Then It came time for me to move cities and he promised me the world and said he had a business and could provide for us , blah blah.
He gave me a ride to look for apartments and offered to co-sign my lease when the apartment I was going to get was very different from the pictures and the time to find an apartment ran out. I made sure to make it clear that he’s co-signing and nothing else but he whistled his was back with more flowers and promised till we were stuck in a new city living together which only lasted 2 months.

In those months he turned into someone I didn’t know. He was lying to his mom about me, he was lying to me about his mom and it got to a point where looking back he was lying about his job. During this time I had cut contact with my mom and felt like she died so I was grieving that relationship and he looked for things to fight and issues every day which broke me to my core and I relapsed on self harm behaviors which brought shame and he acted like a nurse just to break me again in a what felt like never ending cycle.
We got to the beginning of the month and I was buying us universal annual passes and food many times per week so I told him that if we wanted to continue going out and traveling I wasn’t going to be able to pay my half of next months rent and he said it was okay and offered to cover it on full, then one day towards the end of the month we were arguing and he asked for my half of the rent so I reminded him of our agreement and he acted like he didn’t remember and said I kicked him out.
I “kicked him out a couple times”, according to him, but he created the fights and communicated he didn’t want to be there so I said you can leave and he always left dramatically each time. One of the last times he left I begged him to stay, I wanted to comply and not watch him leave again but his mom was waiting for him downstairs and when I went down to talk to her she was having a meltdown like his sister and that’s when I learned the whole family is fucked.
after that, maybe a month later he tried to come back into my life then said he had a business trip with his company as those people that sell phone plans at Costco and this trip was out of state, conveniently the same state and city his dad lives in and he was going to stay with his dad. Now that I’m older (27) I can recognize that didn’t make sense.
I begged him to stay and he did but he lied to his mom about being with his dad when he was with me, the following couple days didn’t go well as he disappeared then called me and I told him I was going to leave to Miami to stay with a friend I had helped in the past, so this mofo called me, riled me up and called a wellness check on me, the officers arrived and I was so hopeless and distressed from the call and because I had no one to put as reference and previous self harm they took me for 24hrs, even though i had contacted domestic violence hotlines in previous days to help relocate me. After being honest with the officers about my sobriety which started when I was 21 and was going strong, I still ended up on a detox center where I was not allowed to cry, and the worst part is that he had said that the worst thing that has happened to him was his mom sending him to a mental hospital after she had told him he could take his own life. So he sent me to a mental hospital when I said I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore and I was leaving, this still is a trauma a carry to this day as I felt they believed him over me.
So after that I didn’t talk to him while he still showed up at my door every once in a while for 6 months. Then when I was finally strong again he whistled his way back into my life and sent me money to get back into my life and since I only had a part time job at the time I agreed. Then I found out he was still living in the city, renting a room and he even got a motorcycle, while I was struggling to pay rent. This felt like a betrayal and one day, after he got done getting all the sex from me he said he couldn’t give me money to feed my cats cause he owes too much money to his mom and he couldn’t help anymore. Then he disappeared which was the point I stopped taking care of myself physically and cleaning my apartment.
I felt like a sex maid that cleaned and cooked for him so doing those things no longer felt easy and became extremely hard. After this he emailed every couple months sending ai made contracts and emails for me to sign because he wanted to take my apartment from me.

I ended up facing a couple eviction notices as the rent is too high and some months I struggled and he was happy to add to the stress pressing not only me but the leasing office. I ended up unemployed after behavioral therapy jobs broke me even more and i developed agoraphobia which made me have horrible body reactions to leaving home as the world doesn’t feel safe anymore. I developed asthma due to the California fires and panic attacks triggered the asthma and I have ended up in the hospital a couple times, uninsured. Because of safety and health concerns I left university too and I’m currently having a hard time getting replies from all the jobs I’ve applied.

Bringing us to current times where I’m still stuck on a lease with this man and I worry about rent every day, I rarely leave the house and this whole situation feels like it rewired my brain from who I used to be to this survival mode and fear that he would do anything else to me.
In the bright side I haven’t self harm and I’m trying really hard every day in hopes my motivation will get better. Now I know believe people when they tell you who they are and leave and stay gone.

While I’m poor and trying to rebuild my life , this man and his family are thriving and him and his sister probably sending more people to the mental hospital. I honestly hope that someone stronger than me exposes them and brings the justice that me and his sisters ex didn’t get. If this story feels familiar to any of you please stay strong , I know is hard but this is not okay and don’t let anyone rewrite the truth. All that matters is walking away and cutting communication and the only communication in writing.
These are just some highlights of what happened as is the only moments I can digest.

Hi all. I'm embarrassed and grieving and frankly just need to vent. I'm going through a divorce and I'm f***ing struggling. My wife/partner of 8 years (3 years married) shows covert narcissistic and grandiose traits which led to me walking away, in conjunction with my step daughter who was highly manipulative and fed into her mothers blind loyalty. It sucks as I love her and her kids but... it was destroying me. I was a husband and I'm just distressed...

The straw that broke the camel's back was her lying to me about a miscarriage. There is a lead up to this so give me a chance. I ended having a vasectomy. I didn't want kids (or was on the fence) and my wife was older and she kind of laid into me about health reasons for her leading up to the vasectomy. To the point of no intimacy or extreme guilt. I said okay because I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her health and wanted her back. There was one point when we had a serious conversation about kids because we had some moments where I was on the fence, we watched her nephew and niece a bunch when they were toddlers and we felt like a team in a way we aren't with her kids (even though one of them called me dad sometimes and they would introduce me as dad/stepdad to friends, etc). The conversation went to the effect of she didn't want more but... if I wanted them she would have them with me. After my moments of being on he fence because I had never seen her so happy and I never felt so connected with her. I ended up agreeing with her wanting a vasectomy because she had been pushing her health concerns and frankly i didn't want what felt like a temporary feeling to grow into her straight up resenting me. I go on to have the vasectomy, she is over the moon and seems to love me or be emotionally connected again. Some months later we're having dinner with a friend and they start talking about trying for a kid and drops that they had a very early miscarriage (IDK the term). My stbx wife drops that she had one to the point she thought we were going to have a kid and acted like it was nothing. This was THE first time I heard this but she then tried to convince me that we had a conversation about it and it wasn't a big deal... I was devastated. I drop it and step away. Later that night I try to talk to her about it and she lays into me about how we talked about it. I know we didn't and she had been trying to convince me of things not happening more and more. I eventually go on to push her on it and she admits that she hid to from me for a long time and she kept pushing off telling me until it snowballed for 6 months to a year (the worst part is I don't even know). Coincidentally after I had my vasectomy. In retrospect I think I know when it happened and she openly lied to me about how what was happening was nothing, but I didn't have any reason to push the issue. So much was going with the kids and problems we were having with her daughter. on I had never had any time to process it. To add insult to injury I had stepped away from my budding marketing career so she could take a huge promotion that required immense travel to the point of being gone for 1/4 to 1/2 the month for 6 months straight.

I'm distressed because I didn't get to grieve with her. I feel shame because I was made to feel like she couldn't tell me when I've been nothing but supportive. I'm truly distraught that she convinced me to get the procedure without the conversation. I feel lied to and violated. (I believe in body autonomy and am pro choice and was before this) We ended up in couples counseling over a variety of things but came to a head when 90% of what we were talking about was turned into "What does it even matter" and no compromise... I didn't even realize that she lied about all this stuff to get me to have the vasectomy and until I walked it didn't sink in. I never realized my heart knew and that my brain refused to process it,

I feel like a crazy person and just betrayed. I know the procedure is reversible but there is also a 10 year success time frame it seems like. How do I ever trust someone like that again? I just feel f***ed emotionally. I feel cheated out of being a father..

I'm absolutely blessed to have my friends and sister helping me emotionally recover but I am just in shock of about the "what does it even matter" of the situation... The worst part is my brain is trying to convince me she could want to work on herself but my heart is just broken and knows there is no way back home.

I hope you all are okay and recovering.

Hi everyone! I'm 16F ,i live with a family of 6 people. My older sister 25F is a narcissist and i suffer from her everyday. She's very manipulative and she's had turned everyone against me,she abuses me physically and verbally,she curses me daily and prays for me to die . I've always struggled with her but it got worse when i told on her , because she is in a relationship with a married man, father of 2,he and his wife are very close friends with my family,and when i found out and saw them i told on them, guess what happened?she turned everyone on me ,nobody believed me.But, it's fine I don't care about them anymore,i just honestly felt bad about his wife because she's the nicest ever,and she's close friends with my older sister.Now , everyday she makes me do housechores,i always did housechores,but since we moved houses i have to clean 4 bedrooms,a big living room,a kitchen,dishes,bathroom, laundry ..,she cooks for herself, leaves dirty greasy pans/dishes and makes me take care of all she leaves behind.Im tired, physically and mentally, I'm constantly hurt by her words,i walk on eggshells non stop,and not to mention i study online and i need to focus every day for 3+hours on my studies.Im so tired of her,the whole house depends on me ,i clean bathrooms ,bedrooms and everything,yet she hits me to the point that my skin gets swollen. Nobody believes me because she cries infront of people saying im arrogant and selfish.I struggle with ADHD , anxiety,and im mentally so weak.i can't handle this house anymore.

What should i do?

I grew up with a narcissistic mom and recently moved away from roommates that were a couple that's a narcissist and an enabler

It's kind of how unnerving how easy it was for me to fall back into abuse coping techniques because my roommate was the same person as my mom and I became the scapegoat

He nailed the core tenants of day to day life with my mom

He was annoyed that there's evidence that people use the kitchen (which summarizes a lot of small things) and he would go out of his way to use the water in the kitchen to fuck with my shower

He was also upset that I wasn't just like him and didn't want to be an extra fanboy

One of my more creative coping mechanisms was realizing that they have a quota for yelling at their victim and to give them small things to yell about so they don't go looking for new things and it worked the same for him

Somehow I still can't call it narcissistic abuse to people who haven't experienced it. I just tell people he's got the same personality as my mom because I'll get looked at like I'm the problem and "not all narcissistic people are abusive"

But it sure as heck is a specific type of abuse whether it was when I was a teen living with a narcissistic parent or now that I'm 30 and lived with a narcissistic roommate that's only 2 years older

Disclaimer: i was venting to chatgpt and i asked him to clean my post a bit since theres too much info and english is not my first language so the text is AI generated but the story is 100% true

Met this girl 7 months ago and instantly clicked. She told me herself she was a narcissist but I ignored it because she treated me better than any girl ever has. We were together every day, sleeping on calls, acting like a married couple, fucking, kissing, going everywhere together. She spent a stupid amount of money on me too, buying me food almost every day, gifts, posting me everywhere, introducing me to her parents. I genuinely thought God finally sent me the right girl after years of getting hurt.

From the very beginning I told her my 2 biggest dealbreakers were sluts and drug users. I said many times I could never be with someone like that and she promised she wasn’t like that anymore and that she’d never lie to me.

Turns out while we were already acting like a couple she was still fucking another guy in her college dorm while I was asleep on call or busy. At first she lied and said she stopped before me, then mixed up her lies later and exposed herself. Apparently the guy left her because he found out she was talking to me too.

Then people started telling me rumors that she got ran through in her town, fucked dudes in abandoned buildings, had a huge body count, etc. I defended her because I thought people were just mad she rejected them since a lot of guys want her only for her body.

Later we officially dated and I started finding actual evidence. Photos, screenshots, old messages, hidden accounts. She denied EVERYTHING until I was about to leave. She gave me her Snapchat and Instagram logins to “prove” she was loyal but most chats were already deleted. Then I found other passwords and found out she had an OnlyFans at 18 too and most rumors were actually true.

She still had dudes she fucked added everywhere while dating me and talked to them casually in front of me while we were together. Whenever I confronted her she’d either deny it, cry, say I’m attacking her, or switch to “okay I did it so what it’s the past.” Even though some stuff happened while we were already basically together.

She keeps saying I’m the only guy who treated her like a person and not just a body, says she loves me more than anyone, says she changed for me, cries when I try to leave, threatens suicide, begs me not to give up, etc. But then I keep discovering more lies.

Recently I found out she also lied about drugs after promising me she’d never lie again. Turns out in October (a month before we met) she was sniffing cocaine at a party and bragging about it to her friend. I don’t know if she did it later too because at this point I don’t even know what’s true anymore.

What fucks with my head is she genuinely acts loving sometimes. She spends money on me, posts me everywhere, wants to be around me 24/7, talks about a future together. But at the same time she lies nonstop, hides shit, deletes things, changes passwords, manipulates situations, and I honestly don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I seriously thought I was gonna marry this girl.

TLDR: Girl acted like a sweet innocent loyal girl with a rough past, promised she quit drugs years ago and wasn’t a hoe. Later found out she lied about almost everything, was fucking another guy behind my back, hid a huge past, lied about drugs, manipulates me, and every time I forgive her I discover more shit.

The question is what to do? How do i trust her? How do most of these people actually act? What are the chances she will go back to that life again? Is it even worth it? She keeps crying that she changed for me and looks up to me and she loves me and that the relationship will work but is this just manipulation or the truth?

The boxes of stuff from his place are still on my porch, after 6 days. I’ve peeked inside a few…some is stuff of mine I left there, some are gifts I gave him…☹️ An Easter goody bag unopened, a lamp I got him for Christmas, a frame I made for him…☹️ So, do I go through all this slowly, like a box a day, so as to not overwhelm myself, or rip the bandaid off and do it in one fell swoop?? (There’s about 6 boxes)

One thing I still struggle with after narcissistic abuse is trying to understand how some people can hurt others so deeply and then just move on like none of it mattered. Not just emotionally either. I mean the manipulation, the lies, the betrayal, the physical abuse, the psychological damage that people are left trying to recover from for years afterward.

Meanwhile they’re already in a new relationship acting completely fine.

I think that part really messed with my head for a long time because it made me feel like maybe what happened to me did not affect them at all the way it affected me.

Like they could just keep going while I was still trying to put myself back together.

Over time I’ve realized their ability to move on quickly does not erase the damage they caused or mean what happened was “not that bad.”

But I still think this is one of the hardest parts to make peace with as a survivor.

I actually ended up writing Narcissistic Traps because I had so much trouble trying to understand the emotional confusion and psychological aftermath of everything myself after surviving domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.

Did anyone else struggle with this part specifically? Watching them move on like none of it mattered while you were still trying to recover from what happened?

So the guy I’ve been with for a few months has turned into a very bad situation . He has already put hands on me a bunch one time was so bad I pretty much had to get my ear sewn back on but every time I try to be done he says he going to do this or that to me and my family so I try to play nice until he gets caught for his warrants but I don’t think it is safe to do that anymore a few nites ago he told me
I make him so mad he can strangle me
Then just now he has gotten so pissed he told me he is going to kill me cuz I’m with a friend and not him . I feel like I need to find somewhere to go until he is caught but idk where n I have no money he has made me be completely dependent on him so idk what to do and before anyone says go
To a shelter I can’t for 2 reasons one being
I have my dog with me and 2 cuz I’ve done a lot of time and I don’t think a setting
Like that would be good for me so I need
Advice or
Something plz

So he has a “hot wife” fetish. He claims he has it because he swears I cheat. (I never have) His ex told me about his fetlife and this fetish a few months before he started talking about to me about said fetish. He is lying about it starting with me. I’m not into having sex with other men. He wants this yet accuses me of cheating constantly. It dives me literally insane. He watches porn with women who “look like me” but can’t keep a boner for me. He actually will try to watch porn as we are having sex. He gets mad at me and tells me I’m ugly nasty boring etc. He likes other females pics on social media and I’m not allowed to be friends with him on social media and he won’t post our relationship even tho we’ve been together 2 years. He gets mad and blocks me everywhere. He posted pics and relationship status with all exes. He has a childhood female best friend he has fucked for years and refuses to block her and tells me he messages her when he gets mad at me. Sent me screenshots shots of it. Posted a nude of mine on fetlife without my consent and tries to push me into this kink that I’m totally not into. Also tries to get me to start an of and other porn creator accounts. He’s mentally and physically abusive and claims I am because I literally beg him to love me. I feel like a sick pathetic boring ugly loser. I have these crazy episodes I’ve never had before. I beg him to stay and love me even tho I want to be free. I don’t want to hate myself or place my value in his hands anymore. I want to love myself and be me again. I wish I had never met him.

Je suis une femme en couple avec un homme qui me malmène. Je sors constamment confuse et très déprimée quand on se prend la tête. Déjà c’est quelqu’un qui alterne le chaud et le froid. Je ne sais jamais comment il va être. Selon lui je suis toujours responsable des prises de tête, mes actions ou ce que je dis sont responsables de ses réactions. Il m’a déjà dit que j’avais un comportement de pute pour parler à un autre homme. Il me dit « ferme la »    « tu me saoules » « tu me casses les couilles ». Quand je lui dis de ne pas parler comme ça il me dit que si ça me va pas c’est pareil et qu’il en a rien à foutre de ce que je pense.

Si je pleure devant lui il ne réagit pas. si je lui dit que j’ai besoin de lui il ne réagit pas. Il va enchainer les reproches jusqu’à ce que mon cerveau soit retourné.

Je suis désemparée. Jai essayé de le quitter plusieurs fois. On se re-accroche par le sexe et j’ai l’impression d’être un objet.

Je suis très malheureuse, très mal et j’ai besoin que vous me disiez ce que vous en pensez.

il dit que si la situation ne me va pas je n’ai qu’à partir. Qu’il faut que je prenne mes responsabilités.

Aujourdhui je lui ai dit que j’étais au bout du rouleau et il en a rien à faire. Il ne pose aucune question.

merci beaucoup de vos avis.

So we’re all familiar with the discard phase but is there such a thing as a final discard?

The kind where they tell you they’ll never contact you again.

So, Saturday I received via the mail a box of my belongings, after being ghosted for a month. Tuesday I came home to find more boxes piled on my porch of the rest of my items, apparently dropped off during the day. I immediately tried to call, no answer, mailbox is full. I text, a brief one, expressing my hurt and outrage. It was read, but of course no reply. This was a 2 1/2 yr relationship, lots of downs, some ups, but oh so much anger, rage, gaslighting, silent treatments, etc etc. None of that makes it hurt less though. And that second group of boxes just about did me in, especially knowing that he went through the trouble to drop them off. That’s a special kind of cold. Thanks for some insight and supportive words.

i was with this guy for a few months who was a classic narcissist. he would use and discard me at a moment’s notice, i was never fully good enough for him to call me his girlfriend, he controlled the things i did and who i saw, he manipulated me into spending almost $1000 on him in pokemon cards barely a month into the “relationship”. it was bad.

when we “broke up” (because again, never good enough to officially be his girlfriend), suddenly things changed. he suddenly had tons of time for me, he was desperate to get me back “but just as friends” because he “understood that i wanted to move on” but he also made sure i knew he would “always wait for me to be ready to come back to him. it kept me in a loop with him for almost a year after the breakup where he would still have me basically at his beck-and-call.

i ended up moving across the state to get away from him and blocked him on everything, but ever since then my dreams have been about him tracking me down and trying to reconcile again. and the worst part is i think if he did track me down (which he could do, because he learned super quickly where i had moved to), i don’t think i could be firm enough to tell him to get lost. i miss him a lot. i miss the good times we had and the deep talks, i miss how cute he is when he wants to be, and he was basically my dream guy physically. i’m in therapy and also seeing a psychiatrist to deal with what he did to me, and i know how he treated me was terrible.

so why do i miss him so much?