r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse

The years of abuse, the years of gaslighting!

The false “accusations”!

Being emotionally beaten up for saying carrot instead of carrot…🙄

When someone has NPD, TBIs, brain cancer, severe abuse and childhood neglect, and an autoimmune disorder & psychosis!

But… I was young and unaware!

Anything I’d ever do or say was against me!

I’d say cheese, cat, summer, tea, coffee.. in some way… I’d offend her.. and I couldn’t even explain myself as she’d interrupt me non stop! Yell at me that I’m making it all about myself!

At the end I’d yell or say bad words to her or b*at myself up and bam! I was the abuser!!!!

All I had to to do was ask her sorry… constantly! 🐶

As she was shaking and puking and having seizures and telling me I have demons follow me around!

I was unaware and blinded by the abuse! I felt like a serial k!!ller! Like a monster!

“Sorry for saying cheese”

Or…

“Why did you get mad at me for breathing last night?!” And her… “that never happaned” 🙄🙄🙄 then would start to cry and shake and I would not know what to do after years and would beat the sh!t outta myself bc the gaslighting was so bad and I was so scared she’d die or end up in coma or at the ER for the billionth time!!!!

I hurt so bad! Every day!

But I didn’t see the abuse bc it was emotional!

I loved her more than existence knew was possible….

Now I hate her more than I knew hatred was possible!

It’s been so long! I go to therapy and do all the “right stuff”… yet I still want justice and this pain and injustice and false accusations are eating me up ALIVE!!!😢

It's been more than 6 months since I went NC with my Nex, I finally got on dating apps after months of completely staying away from him. He tried getting in touch with me through different means, but I blocked him each time. I really lost it when he found me ON the dating apps! He had the audacity to reach out to me on the damn dating app!

I connected with a few potentially compatible guys on the app, but most of them triggered some or the other part of me which was played with by this damn narc-ex. It kinda made me realise there's actually a lot of narcissists out there, I met one of the worst and learned a lot and now can spot one from a mile away.

I went on a date and this one guy manipulated me into thinking we want the same things and ghosted me when I insisted that I don't want to get physical so soon! My body is literally scared of being touched until I feel emotionally safe.

Then I started talking to a nice guy, he's a little younger, sweet and giving, and a part of me just feels so strange receiving that attention and affection.

It's so strange. How does one even go back to dating or just trusting, my system is feeling very thrown off by these experiences.

Known her for 9 years. Gave her a third chance a year ago. Spent thousands of dollars putting her life back together. Then my friend found her on tinder lol.

I'm so damaged I can't trust myself if I let this happen. I genuinely thought maybe she changed. I'm highly mentally disturbed and broken I guess. Only an insane person would keep forgiving.

I just need to live alone forever. Throw away all my old dreams of making a family. I'm so confused, sui is not an option I won't be defeated like that, but wow. This world is a prison there's no way it isn't.

I've been scared to share my story because I'm afraid people won't believe me but that's ok if people don't.

I have diagnosed BPD and ADHD.

1.5 years ago I went off my mood stablisers because I was doing so well or so I thought. I was so happy dating the love of my life and had lots of friends.

Unfortunately from here I started increasing my cannabis use to self medicate on top of stimulants. I became quite unwell which I take responsibility for, I was in the driver's seat and lost control.

I started picking fights with my partner at the time. While I was so unwell this guy came into my life as a friend, he bought me a necklace at a party I didn't think much of it. He was so charming the most charming person, he gave me all these compliments and was switching from hot to cold over a period of months. I think in my unwell state which I can only describe as some sort of mania I started chasing him and left my relationship of 4 years suddenly causing devastating affects on someone I care about so much. I felt an addiction to this new person like an addict on a pokies machine. I wasn't sleeping or eating properly at all over months, I continued the cannabis in huge amounts, high stimulants and kept chasing this person who knew exactly what he was doing, he constantly made me feel like the most special person to a peice of shit over and over and I kept chasing him in some sort state of dissociation. I feel like my nervous system was completed hijacked. He started following me from fake instagram accounts on top of his normal account, would tell me not to hook up with others, asked why I was in his area (must have tracked from an app), was watching me excessively on an app, asked if I brought people home. It kept me completely hooked I felt so trapped.

I realised I was in a trauma bond and had this absolutely devastating crash to reality I pushed away my fav person on this earth permanently. But also the guilt of abandoning him and the pain I caused him. He trusted me.

From here i tried to cut the guy I ran for (NPD I can only assume) and I received 50 + calls over 2 months from No Caller ID I can only assume were him, after I blocked him on Insta he would grab me by the neck and waist, massive amounts of fake insta accounts following me and watching my every move, my mailbox was broken into, the intense death stares in public places. I cannot assume all of this was him but it seems not a coincidence. The smirking, the games, rocking up to gym when I did probs because of the app that allowed him to track me. He even admitted to someone he tracks 'friends' and he told my friend he likes to have power over people.

I take full responsibility for my role in not taking care of my MH, i take responsibility in leaving my partner and not having better boundaries with someone. However this was the most devastating thing I have ever experienced in my entire life.

I'm still so in love with my ex and truly did not want to leave him but I did. It's a wakeup call to take care of myself but it's also a wakeup call that there are some absolute narcissistic / antisocial disorder people out there who see something good like my relationship and want to completely destroy it.

A year after the breakup and I am still devastated. I told my ex after I realised what had happened but it's too late, I understand the trauma I caused was probably too big to recover from.

I'm curious as to what people think of this, it's so hard being believed.

20 years ago on 7/2/06 my now ex-husband went into a rage over something trivial and I left (there had been years of mostly emotional abuse but some physical as well). he convinced me to come back to talk. instead he got me alone and attacked me. the most profound part of the attack was he strangled me repeatedly. I was blacking out and thought I was going to die. when he stopped and went for a drive, i called my SIL and she drove me to a shelter with my daughter. long story short, he did all the right things (therapy, meds, anger management) and i went back. he was never physical again but the psychological and emotional abuse and erratic behavior returned. I finally left 3 years ago. but here I am, safe at home and suddenly crying in my basement and hyperventilating (the attack happened in the base of my old house) because a random song triggered me. I’ve been to therapy and emdr for years. I’m feeling hopeless that I will ever feel normal again.

My narc friend discarded me again recently after another long argument. The first few times it really hurt. This time it hurts but now I'm finding I just want to help her somehow but, it's impossible to explain anything she does wrong. She'll always deflect or go down some other line of thought that doesn't make any sense. Even when she actually takes the time to listen to me without arguing we'll come away from a 3 hour long conversation having gotten nowhere. I feel like this is the final time shes gonna discard me. I gave her a message saying I forgive her and she hearted it but, she hasn't actually messaged back. But, even if she does idk how to approach her anymore. I don't feel that desperation anymore. Part of me wants to just wash my hands of her but, the other still genuinely cares. I'd love to see her succeed but, she won't even entertain therapy.

Ive been really curious lately about if anyone has actually managed to out a narc without getting the painful backlash of them either retaliating in some way or the information just falling on deaf ears when it comes to the people around them. How'd you avoid the backlash? Did you ever finally get through to anyone? Or is this one of those impossible things due to all the factors of a Narc weaving themselves into everything they have their hands on? Did you try thinking it would work and then it blow up in your face?

I had a long-distance texting relationship with someone who seemed supportive and caring for five years. Although he clearly had issues -- the chronic victim mentality, the world not rewarding him fairly for his great talents, refusing to work a regular job and support himself that way because "he can't do jobs," living at home with his parents in his 50s, the cocaine use ... Believe it or not, from a distance, the relationship was quite fulfilling most of the time. We shared a wicked sense of humor, love of '90s music, struggles with depression and ADHD, being unmarried and childless, and more.

Within the past year, it started to break down as he'd no longer watch movies with me and he started rambling more and more about himself and never asking about me, often sending chaotic, uninterpretable texts of word salad. Within the past three to four months, it broke down further. I told him a scary medical thing and got absolutely no reply the first two times I mentioned it. The third time, he gave me a performative/sarcastic, "Please share! Details!" Meanwhile, he'd go on and on about his constipation, diarrhea, allergies, etc.

This week, I told him about a medical trauma I had in a doctor's office, and he actually sent a laughing emoji and then talked about his own relatively minor problems and how it was near impossible to make lasting connections in today's society. Blindsided, I said, "I'm sorry if I've disappointed you." He sent a second laughing emoji and said, "You're on a roll." What?! When I pressed him, he told me I was "mental" and "female" therefore "double sensitive," and I should always assume good intent no matter what he says.

He seems like a vulnerable narcissist to me, but how could he have been decent for five years? I didn't think a person like that could fake it for that long. And why not just end the friendship if I'd become such an annoyance? I know: He enjoyed the attention, right?

I have a question for those who have been involved with narcissists: Did they show a strong interest in meeting your friends? I’m currently seeing someone with these personality traits; he’s always helping others and is known by everyone, but I know it’s just a facade because I’ve seen a very depraved side of him in private. He has started to form a very strong—almost obsessive—bond with me. It’s a long, complex situation, but one thing I’ve noticed is how insistent he is on meeting my friend group. I try to avoid introducing him to them because something about him didn't feel safe to me. From what I’ve observed, I get the impression he wants to meet them to dig up information about me, see the kind of people I surround myself with, and get to know me better.

I’ve been with my partner for 1.5 years. He was with his ex for 10 years, married for 5, and their relationship was finalized well before he and I met. Despite this, his ex has been harassing me since we started dating.

The harassment began with abusive emails and texts, which resulted in me obtaining a restraining order. I’m talking multiple fake numbers, emails, Snapchat accounts, sending paragraphs of nasty and rude comments.she has even stated she is going to slit my throat which was largely how I got my restraining order. She also sent me X videos from years ago of her and my partner to illicit anger. It worked. since having the restraining order the direct contact has slowed, she hasn’t stopped. She is now posting my photo in “Are We Dating the Same Guy/Woman” Facebook groups, claiming she is looking for “dirt” on me. Because these groups are anonymous, I cannot definitively prove it is her to law enforcement.she has also created and spread false rumors of me having drug issues which are totally and completely fabricated.

IAfter 18 months, she is still fixated on our relationship. We are now engaged, and her behavior is casting a shadow over what should be a happy time.

She is clearly severely mentally unstable, and there are children involved in their co-parenting arrangement, which complicates things significantly. I’m also worried she will snap and commit a serious crime…We also don't have the funds for a major legal battle for full custody.

Has anyone dealt with a high-conflict ex who uses social media "doxing" or smear campaigns to continue harassment? How do you effectively ignore or mitigate this without letting it consume your life? Any advice on documenting this behavior or handling the Facebook aspect would be appreciated!

It has been one month since I left him because he lied to me for years about his cheating in the beginning of the relationship. He tortured me after I ended it, he showed up to my house uninvited tried to coerce me into sleeping with him and asked me to marry him. I told him the experience made me feel violated and unsafe and he said how dare I accuse him of that and mocked me making a joke about women taking back consent online. Now I feel like is trying to torture me in a different way only two weeks later. He has a very public platform on social media that I really want to stop looking at because it really hurts but yesterday, he posted a whole story about a new girl he met at a bar and how badly he wanted to sleep with her and posted the story of him meeting her even comparing how they both just got out of a long-time relationship. I just feel like he is trying to torture me because I really did love him, after everything he has done, I will never speak to him again, but I can't stand the psychological torture, and I don't know how to stop checking his social media. He seems to be drinking a lot, taking other drugs and travelling impulsively and I don't even recognize this person. How do you cope with feeling so easily replaceable? The last time we broke up he wrote me letters everyday but now I'm nothing but a past relationship he can connect with new girls over.

So...it's 5 months post discard from covert narc ex and I've been recovering and working HARD on myself. Rewiring the wrecked nervous system and just all the things and therapy that goes with 7 years of dealing with someone that made me believe I was building a life..and she was somewhere else. Anyways...the red flags are being seen now in a way that they obviously not before. Something she said....which was insane because she said this years into our relationship...has always baffled me. She said "I get it. I'm easy to fall in love with and hard to love, ok?". And at the time I was like...wtf...I love you, I'm just asking questions about life...the future. Etc...and I've wanted to see what You all would get from a comment like that.

Trying to write this clearly in the midst of a chaotic mind 😞 I’ve been in this toxic relationship with a narc for a few years. I’ve attempted separation 3x and have been manipulated back. I know that I haven’t done the “right” things and understand why I’m in this situation. All of that to say -

I am being financially abused. They have barely contributed in years and the can of reasons keeps being kicked down the road. If I bring up money (or anything, really), they have a panic attack and blame PTSD, depression, other people, etc. Today, they threw in “and I’ve been sui ci dal, if you even care.” They refuse to talk to someone or seek treatment because “nothing works.”

I feel so stuck with them relying solely on me, even though I never ever consented to it. Logically, I obviously know that I’m not responsible for their wellness and I can’t force them into anything.

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by writing this. A dose of reality, maybe?

How to tell if he’s avoidant or a narcissist?

So I’ve been trying to distinguish if this guy’s just avoidant or is an actual narcissist. Lately, I realized that I have an anxious attachment style which could explain why we have a push-and-pull dynamic that never settles. I’m just wondering if I contributed to our dynamic or not. Maybe I’m being gaslit or the cognitive dissonance is too overwhelming for me to tell what is real.

By the way, we are coworkers and never really got to dating each other, but we are always together. We have a routine together, but he may sometimes excuse himself and I’m not sure if he’s trying to get romantically close to a new girl employee or if he’s just being friendly and I’m paranoid.

How does one distinguish whether a person is simply avoidant or alarmingly a narcissist?

If you’d want to more about our situation, I posted about it before, but some things have already changed.

https://www.reddit.com/r/NRelationships/s/V8vlztuReB

My friend confronted him about it and he stopped sexually implied touching. We still spend a lot of time together and he may try to provoke a reaction sometimes by telling me a girl hit on him or that he’s the romantic kind. He also said he’d drop by my neighborhood on a Saturday two times and he still hasn’t. After spending a week apart, he did seem to genuinely seek reconnection with me, but after I started being close to him again, he excused himself for lunch and I’m not sure if he spent time with the new girl. He keeps checking on me to see if we’re still okay or if I’d become angry again when I saw him talk to her. I’m confused, maybe I’m the problem?

I’ve been in a conflict with family lately, it led to my arrest. I was not trying to physically attack anyone, I was not the first person to get physical with anyone. However, I was the one who got in trouble. Leading to me being in jail for 17 hours coping with trauma alone and leading to more, 4th degree assault charge, and court on July 20th

My father grabbed me by the arms and held them down restraining me, got in my face, and yelled at me. I told him to let me go, stop touching me, and to get off of me multiple times. Eventually, I wiggled one of my arms free and slapped my dad.

He still had ahold of me at this time though and I only temporarily got one arm free. He got angrier, grabbed me harder, and I honestly thought he was gonna hit me. After this, my mom told him to call the police and she physically removed me from the home when I would have willingly left. She had me around the waist and my arms restrained too, throwing me out the door.

Technically, who should have been in trouble here? Because I’m not sure. If no one would have ever physically touched me and restrained me I would not have slapped anyone.

​

After ending my narcissistic relationship, I have been isolating a lot. It feels really draining to be around people, especially multiple people, for very long at all. I know this is common after that, but it worries me. I have really cool people ask me to do things with them all the time, but I just can't. I am afraid I will act weird because I have panic attacks sometimes ( being in big crowds with people I dont know is a trigger for them), I zone out a lot - I really don't mean to and I try to focus but sometimes I get lost in my mind still.

I fear that they will turn out to be like the people I have escaped, or I just physically feel too tired to do it. Like my body and mind just can't. I didn't use to be like this.

I also see those traits everywhere now, which is a good thing to an extent, but I am concerned I'm just going to turn into a completely unsociable hermit and stay that way until death.

But part of me is okay with that outcome because at least I wouldn't go through that again.

A few years ago, I got re-traumatized by a bunch of narcs after seeking a supportive environment/community where I could express myself and communicate with likeminded people (possibly also autistic) who had undergone narcissistic abuse. In order to do so, I used Tumblr tags to get my point across, tagging my experience as "narc abuse", "narcissistic abuse", and "NPD abuse". The narcs came rushing in less than an hour, sending me literal death threats in my inbox, asks, and even going as far as to dehumanize me and call me names, and even tell me to take my own life, all because they felt called out.

Now, the worst part of all this was that they kept crying "ableism!". Do they not see the irony of their behavior/statements? Are they that self-unaware? They are completely ignoring the fact that people with their disorder usually tend to prey on other disabled people who happen to be vulnerable, such as autistic people like myself. It's NOT in any shape or form "ableist" to call a disorder literally characterized by textbook abusive behavior dangerous. Narcissists are, in fact, extremely dangerous to be around, especially for already traumatized people with bullying trauma.

Another ironic aspect of this is that what they were doing is prime gaslighting and belittling, which is exactly what my posts were calling out. It must have hit too close to home for them to lash out at me like this. "Not all narcs!", you say? Well, you and your narc buddies are no different if you choose to go out of your way to belittle my experience and side with my abusers just because they happened to be one of you. It's such primitive, tribal behavior on their part.

Additionally, narcs completely ignore the fact that their disorder gives them advantage over most other people in society, which is literally built on glorifying and promoting people with their tendencies (especially in business and politics) to the very top of the social hierarchy. So the ableism label ain't for them, because they are not in any shape or form disadvantaged, unlike most people with disabilities, who have to endure hardships and humiliation for most of our lives.

Im still in the early hours of a breakup, so I need this, happy this sub exists.

My ex of 8 months, I feel like they were trying to program me. Everything was always too hot or too cold: how much I spoke, my affection. Unless it was something solely beneficial to them, then I wasnt ever doing enough.

Although they didn't attend therapy, I was always being told to seek more and more mental healthcare when I would have emotions/cry when upset. My communication was subpar but also needed to be as brief as possible. Meanwhile theres infinite attention for podcasts and video games.

I didnt always handle myself perfectly and I would shut down after being shown that logical communication was of no import, and they would always be there with the gavel ready to ram it up my ass that I was "stonewalling" while they married "criticism, contempt, and defensiveness" in a polygamist rhombus

I needed to respond immediately or they would get impatient that I needed time to think or process. They would take time wanting to communicate something, but not knowing how to say it, and acknowledge that aloud, then be upset and concerned when I needed significantly less time to process what they said

I feel like they wanted a computer, and that they have a giant mirror they only ever see the back of.

NEVER PLACATE TO THEM. EVER.

The logic is that if you appease their requests, just to avoid any tension or disappointing them, you're garnering good will. Building up a solid base so that down the road if needed, you can maintain boundaries or not give them any reason to wrong you.

That's not how it works with narcissists.

They don't care about what you've done for them. If they feel your need conflicts with their world, they will take it as offense and seek retribution.

I spent a whole month placating to this woman. Helping her with all kinds of requests that I never should have been participating in. The whole time I was concerned she'd find a reason to withhold my deposit from me when it was time for me to move out.

My worst fears didn't come close to how much I underestimated how awful she was going to be at the end. Screaming at me, acting like I killed her pet, when I'd done literally nothing to wrong her at all.

I'm writing this from a state of pure disbelief. I cannot believe how this is the nature of many people.

So lesson learned. I will never placate to a narcissist ever again. The INSTANT I recognize I'm dealing with a narcissist, I'm setting firm boundaries and extremely far emotional distance.

I just hope I can remember this the next time I encounter one.

Hello. After leaving my abusive relationship, I struggle to feel actually connected to others. I wasn't like this prior to having this happen. I isolate a lot, and when I do finally agree to hang out - sometimes I feel so disconnected to people around me that it feels uncomfortable for me and it makes me really sad. Has anyone else had this? If so, do you know why?