was my ex a narcissist?
I have been so confused and still feel like I am in a fog in some ways or not able to trust my own instincts....It has been 5ish months of no contact and this is by far the longest I have been hung up on a relationship before...From my PoV over the relationship:
The relationship in total was only about 10 months long the first 3-4 months felt like a fantasy romance. I found a woman who would pay for dates or pay me back when I paid. Compliment me to the point I felt a little uncomfy or more than I was used to from previous girlfriends, give me small gifts or cook or help me with tasks if asked. Everything felt "intentional" but in the moment I thought oh wow I found a good one and we match up on so many life values and long term goals. I was a little anxious because I felt like I was giving up my normal gym routine or lifestyle to please her but it all felt so intense when we were together. I shouldn't be napping after work because that would take time away from hanging with her. Same goes for the gym I need to work out in the morning so then we could spend the evening together. I felt anxious like if I didn't alter my life or give back this same energy she would probably leave and I didn't wanna lose the best woman/woman I matched with the most so far in my life did I? This was just compromising for love right?
I met her family early on only in the 2nd or 3rd month I think. They were very caring and nice. I don't think we went more than a few hours without texting unless we were both sleeping at any point as well...I have also noticed she had no close deep friendships...all her friends were from her church or work and she had a large quantity of them...but none of them were really deep and quality in my opinion. The longest relationships she had were college friends who didn't live in the same state as us. I even remember little "jabs" or comments she actually made sometime things like "I am a catch you know?"...I also am realizing this now but I think she was on her 6th therapist (I don't know if narcs switch a lot if they are challenged on their beliefs?) She seemed to have a legit past trauma for trying to find the right one though so I brushed it off.
At some point I had come across her public twitter where she would post almost like a public diary about different things that she didn't display to her family or any closer friends. Memes of course but posts about being depressed, life being bad at the slightest inconvenience, I looked back at earlier posts venting about men or ex bfs after a failed relationship...and also when we had talked about past relationships ALL her ex boyfriends seemed to be crazy/bad people and I thought at the time that made sense (some of them sounded legit bad from what she had told me). At some point about 4-5 months in my friends had thrown me a surprise party for my birthday. My ex had also asked what I wanted to do for my bday (I have never really celebrated my bday this was all the first time) I felt overwhelmed...a gf wanted to celebrate my bday how I wanted! I told her just a burger and milk shake and us on the couch would be a perfect night for me. I remember thinking she seemed to be almost awkward at both these celebrations or after my party at least...quiet/weird or seemed out of her element like something bothered her. Right after both our birthdays around 5 months in when we had settled into a more stable routine and the fireworks had died down she sat me down wanting to break up. I was so confused? We lined up we were becoming more trusting and secure with each other? Sure our nights were boring but normally you say "hey lets get back some of that energy"? I thought you just work through these regular intimacy bumps not throw away a relationship where you line up on so many different values, humor, and lifestyle choices. I was shocked and cried so much. I usually am so good at going no contact no matter how a relationship ends or who ends it but this one was eating at me we kept texting on and off. I felt like I was the reason it had all come crashing down and kept chasing her. At some point 1-2 months later we both said we hadn't been with anyone and we should try again and I would work on the issues she had with keeping up the energy/romance.
Well the second time it ended about 2-3 months later hurt worse. I remember returning her key crying and she was just expressionless and cold. The day before she texted me that she had to end it we had the same exact energy and texting tone as the beginning. I assumed she had just checked out earlier than I thought but the 180 switch in how cold and distant she texted as soon as she wanted to end it and wanted her key back gave me whiplash. I returned her key crying and beating myself up while she stood there just telling me it's okay. She had a kitchen sink list of things about me as a reason for ending the relationship that she had texted me when I was begging for closure or reasons she was ending things. (yea I shouldn't need closure from someone else but I was really racking my brain why this was ending...) Things I felt were very fixable but also in this list she texted me it seemed so twisted and exagerated I was more mad/frustrated at this point. Like we had experienced 2 different realities. She told me all these reasons she was leaving and that I couldn't listen to her properly when she had stated these things she had wanted/needed. The times she had "communicated" with me felt very vague or felt like she had never brought up these topics at all even. I had been ruminating and spiraling for months after while she vague posted on twitter about me being a bad guy. I have never had an ex in my life seem so....cold or uncaring after a break up or not take ANY accountability for any part of the relationship ending. I felt like such a monster/villain in her story and sure I'm not perfect and I messed up in the relationship but to have someone tell me that I was the cause of it all ending was so awful. I remember at one point after the first break up she had told me I was the only one standing in the way of a healthy relationship there was also some version of "you don't really seem like you're in a healthy enough spot to date right now you should seek therapy".
I finally feel after 5 months (longest I have been hung up on any of my relationships to be honest) I am finally seeing out of the fog. I still am unsure or not wanting to be quick to just blame someone as a narc. From what I typed out does it seem to be the case? Or just someone with low emotional capacity/or us unable to communicate together when times got tougher? I think that is the last thing I have been stuck on about the break up is if we are both just two people who couldn't conflict resolve or worked well together when things got tough or if I truly was this bad of a person after the honeymoon phase or if my ex was a narc?