u/Deutericake

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind my ex-wife's behaviour because, after more than 30 years together, I genuinely struggle to reconcile the person I knew for most of my life with the way she has treated me since our relationship broke down.

We were together since I was 14, she's 3 years older.She was my first and only relationship. We grew up together, had children together and built our entire adult lives around each other. So I'm not looking at this as some stranger who suddenly became difficult. I'm trying to understand how someone I loved for more than three decades can behave towards me in the way she has.

There have been things that go far beyond ordinary anger or resentment following a separation.

I've experienced physical incidents including being punched, grabbed and left bruised, having my T-shirts ripped, being strangled, having a belt put around my neck and being burned with an iron. On another occasion, a toilet brush was used against me and made me strip and bath in front of her under threat she would confront my parents about being paleadophiles. These aren't things I ever imagined would happen in the relationship I spent most of my life in.

There has also been a huge amount of controlling and intimidating behaviour. My location has been monitored through Life360, and an AirTag was placed in my car. I've been subjected to accusations and threats, including threats that she would tell people that I had raped her. That's an incredibly frightening thing to have hanging over you, particularly when you know it isn't true.

It's also affected people around me. My parents have been dragged into the conflict and have been called paedophiles. I disclosed somthing that happened as a child to me, to her and shes now using it as a weapon.

That has been incredibly distressing for them and has badly damaged relationships within my family.

There was also an incident involving another woman I had been speaking to, simply a friend who's going through seperation herself, where my ex-wife contacted her and threatened to tell her husband. Again, it felt less like someone trying to move on and more like an attempt to intimidate, expose or punish anyone connected with my life outside the marriage.

Then there are the children.

From my perspective, there have been occasions where they seem to be encouraged or rewarded for speaking negatively about me or repeating stories about me that I believe are untrue. I'm watching them increasingly gravitate towards my wife's new partner, and that's incredibly painful. I don't know how much of that is deliberate, how much is the natural consequence of separation and how much is simply children trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation.

Financially, I'm still contributing significantly. Despite being separated for nearly a year, I'm still contributing towards the children, the mortgage and other costs, while also trying to establish a life for myself. Yet I can still feel as though I'm being portrayed as someone who doesn't contribute or doesn't care.

What I'm trying to understand is why someone behaves like this. Is it anger? Fear? Guilt? Resentment? A need to regain control? A way of dealing with the guilt or consequences of ending a 30-year relationship? Is attacking the other person psychologically easier than accepting responsibility for the pain caused by the breakdown of the marriage?

I don't know.

And I'm deliberately not trying to diagnose her. I don't know what is going on inside her head and I don't think a Reddit post can establish that.

What I do know is the effect it has had on me.

I've gone from being someone's husband for more than 30 years to feeling like I'm somebody she wants to punish. I've lost my home life, my marriage and a huge amount of my relationship with my wider family. I'm sleeping on my parents' sofa while she remains in the family home. I'm still financially contributing, I'm still trying to be a father, and I'm still trying to understand how the person who was once the most important person in my life can now treat me with such hostility.

Maybe that's the part I'm struggling with most.

I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. I'm trying to understand it because understanding it might help me stop asking myself the same question over and over:

How did the woman I spent more than 30 years with become someone who could treat me like this?

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind my ex-wife's behaviour because, after more than 30 years together, I genuinely struggle to reconcile the person I knew for most of my life with the way she has treated me since our relationship broke down.

We were together since I was 14, she's 3 years older.She was my first and only relationship. We grew up together, had children together and built our entire adult lives around each other. So I'm not looking at this as some stranger who suddenly became difficult. I'm trying to understand how someone I loved for more than three decades can behave towards me in the way she has.

There have been things that go far beyond ordinary anger or resentment following a separation.

I've experienced physical incidents including being punched, grabbed and left bruised, having my T-shirts ripped, being strangled, having a belt put around my neck and being burned with an iron. On another occasion, a toilet brush was used against me and made me strip and bath in front of her under threat she would confront my parents about being paleadophiles. These aren't things I ever imagined would happen in the relationship I spent most of my life in.

There has also been a huge amount of controlling and intimidating behaviour. My location has been monitored through Life360, and an AirTag was placed in my car. I've been subjected to accusations and threats, including threats that she would tell people that I had raped her. That's an incredibly frightening thing to have hanging over you, particularly when you know it isn't true.

It's also affected people around me. My parents have been dragged into the conflict and have been called paedophiles. I disclosed somthing that happened as a child to me, to her and shes now using it as a weapon.

That has been incredibly distressing for them and has badly damaged relationships within my family.

There was also an incident involving another woman I had been speaking to, simply a friend who's going through seperation herself, where my ex-wife contacted her and threatened to tell her husband. Again, it felt less like someone trying to move on and more like an attempt to intimidate, expose or punish anyone connected with my life outside the marriage.

Then there are the children.

From my perspective, there have been occasions where they seem to be encouraged or rewarded for speaking negatively about me or repeating stories about me that I believe are untrue. I'm watching them increasingly gravitate towards my wife's new partner, and that's incredibly painful. I don't know how much of that is deliberate, how much is the natural consequence of separation and how much is simply children trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation.

Financially, I'm still contributing significantly. Despite being separated for nearly a year, I'm still contributing towards the children, the mortgage and other costs, while also trying to establish a life for myself. Yet I can still feel as though I'm being portrayed as someone who doesn't contribute or doesn't care.

What I'm trying to understand is why someone behaves like this. Is it anger? Fear? Guilt? Resentment? A need to regain control? A way of dealing with the guilt or consequences of ending a 30-year relationship? Is attacking the other person psychologically easier than accepting responsibility for the pain caused by the breakdown of the marriage?

I don't know.

And I'm deliberately not trying to diagnose her. I don't know what is going on inside her head and I don't think a Reddit post can establish that.

What I do know is the effect it has had on me.

I've gone from being someone's husband for more than 30 years to feeling like I'm somebody she wants to punish. I've lost my home life, my marriage and a huge amount of my relationship with my wider family. I'm sleeping on my parents' sofa while she remains in the family home. I'm still financially contributing, I'm still trying to be a father, and I'm still trying to understand how the person who was once the most important person in my life can now treat me with such hostility.

Maybe that's the part I'm struggling with most.

I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. I'm trying to understand it because understanding it might help me stop asking myself the same question over and over:

How did the woman I spent more than 30 years with become someone who could treat me like this?

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind my ex-wife's behaviour because, after more than 30 years together, I genuinely struggle to reconcile the person I knew for most of my life with the way she has treated me since our relationship broke down.

We were together since I was 14, she's 3 years older.She was my first and only relationship. We grew up together, had children together and built our entire adult lives around each other. So I'm not looking at this as some stranger who suddenly became difficult. I'm trying to understand how someone I loved for more than three decades can behave towards me in the way she has.

There have been things that go far beyond ordinary anger or resentment following a separation.

I've experienced physical incidents including being punched, grabbed and left bruised, having my T-shirts ripped, being strangled, having a belt put around my neck and being burned with an iron. On another occasion, a toilet brush was used against me and made me strip and bath in front of her under threat she would confront my parents about being paleadophiles. These aren't things I ever imagined would happen in the relationship I spent most of my life in.

There has also been a huge amount of controlling and intimidating behaviour. My location has been monitored through Life360, and an AirTag was placed in my car. I've been subjected to accusations and threats, including threats that she would tell people that I had raped her. That's an incredibly frightening thing to have hanging over you, particularly when you know it isn't true.

It's also affected people around me. My parents have been dragged into the conflict and have been called paedophiles. I disclosed somthing that happened as a child to me, to her and shes now using it as a weapon.

That has been incredibly distressing for them and has badly damaged relationships within my family.

There was also an incident involving another woman I had been speaking to, simply a friend who's going through seperation herself, where my ex-wife contacted her and threatened to tell her husband. Again, it felt less like someone trying to move on and more like an attempt to intimidate, expose or punish anyone connected with my life outside the marriage.

Then there are the children.

From my perspective, there have been occasions where they seem to be encouraged or rewarded for speaking negatively about me or repeating stories about me that I believe are untrue. I'm watching them increasingly gravitate towards my wife's new partner, and that's incredibly painful. I don't know how much of that is deliberate, how much is the natural consequence of separation and how much is simply children trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation.

Financially, I'm still contributing significantly. Despite being separated for nearly a year, I'm still contributing towards the children, the mortgage and other costs, while also trying to establish a life for myself. Yet I can still feel as though I'm being portrayed as someone who doesn't contribute or doesn't care.

What I'm trying to understand is why someone behaves like this. Is it anger? Fear? Guilt? Resentment? A need to regain control? A way of dealing with the guilt or consequences of ending a 30-year relationship? Is attacking the other person psychologically easier than accepting responsibility for the pain caused by the breakdown of the marriage?

I don't know.

And I'm deliberately not trying to diagnose her. I don't know what is going on inside her head and I don't think a Reddit post can establish that.

What I do know is the effect it has had on me.

I've gone from being someone's husband for more than 30 years to feeling like I'm somebody she wants to punish. I've lost my home life, my marriage and a huge amount of my relationship with my wider family. I'm sleeping on my parents' sofa while she remains in the family home. I'm still financially contributing, I'm still trying to be a father, and I'm still trying to understand how the person who was once the most important person in my life can now treat me with such hostility.

Maybe that's the part I'm struggling with most.

I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. I'm trying to understand it because understanding it might help me stop asking myself the same question over and over:

How did the woman I spent more than 30 years with become someone who could treat me like this?

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind my ex-wife's behaviour because, after more than 30 years together, I genuinely struggle to reconcile the person I knew for most of my life with the way she has treated me since our relationship broke down.

We were together since I was 14, she's 3 years older.She was my first and only relationship. We grew up together, had children together and built our entire adult lives around each other. So I'm not looking at this as some stranger who suddenly became difficult. I'm trying to understand how someone I loved for more than three decades can behave towards me in the way she has.

There have been things that go far beyond ordinary anger or resentment following a separation.

I've experienced physical incidents including being punched, grabbed and left bruised, having my T-shirts ripped, being strangled, having a belt put around my neck and being burned with an iron. On another occasion, a toilet brush was used against me and made me strip and bath in front of her under threat she would confront my parents about being paleadophiles. These aren't things I ever imagined would happen in the relationship I spent most of my life in.

There has also been a huge amount of controlling and intimidating behaviour. My location has been monitored through Life360, and an AirTag was placed in my car. I've been subjected to accusations and threats, including threats that she would tell people that I had raped her. That's an incredibly frightening thing to have hanging over you, particularly when you know it isn't true.

It's also affected people around me. My parents have been dragged into the conflict and have been called paedophiles. I disclosed somthing that happened as a child to me, to her and shes now using it as a weapon.

That has been incredibly distressing for them and has badly damaged relationships within my family.

There was also an incident involving another woman I had been speaking to, simply a friend who's going through seperation herself, where my ex-wife contacted her and threatened to tell her husband. Again, it felt less like someone trying to move on and more like an attempt to intimidate, expose or punish anyone connected with my life outside the marriage.

Then there are the children.

From my perspective, there have been occasions where they seem to be encouraged or rewarded for speaking negatively about me or repeating stories about me that I believe are untrue. I'm watching them increasingly gravitate towards my wife's new partner, and that's incredibly painful. I don't know how much of that is deliberate, how much is the natural consequence of separation and how much is simply children trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation.

Financially, I'm still contributing significantly. Despite being separated for nearly a year, I'm still contributing towards the children, the mortgage and other costs, while also trying to establish a life for myself. Yet I can still feel as though I'm being portrayed as someone who doesn't contribute or doesn't care.

What I'm trying to understand is why someone behaves like this. Is it anger? Fear? Guilt? Resentment? A need to regain control? A way of dealing with the guilt or consequences of ending a 30-year relationship? Is attacking the other person psychologically easier than accepting responsibility for the pain caused by the breakdown of the marriage?

I don't know.

And I'm deliberately not trying to diagnose her. I don't know what is going on inside her head and I don't think a Reddit post can establish that.

What I do know is the effect it has had on me.

I've gone from being someone's husband for more than 30 years to feeling like I'm somebody she wants to punish. I've lost my home life, my marriage and a huge amount of my relationship with my wider family. I'm sleeping on my parents' sofa while she remains in the family home. I'm still financially contributing, I'm still trying to be a father, and I'm still trying to understand how the person who was once the most important person in my life can now treat me with such hostility.

Maybe that's the part I'm struggling with most.

I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. I'm trying to understand it because understanding it might help me stop asking myself the same question over and over:

How did the woman I spent more than 30 years with become someone who could treat me like this?

I’m looking for some impartial advice because I’m struggling to work out what is reasonable here.

My wife and I have been together for around 31 years, but we separated nearly a year ago. We still have a jointly owned family home, worth roughly £300k, with a mortgage outstanding and a relatively small loan that was taken out for improvements to the house.

Since separating, I’ve been sleeping on my parents’ sofa while trying to rebuild my life. Meanwhile, my wife has remained in the family home with the children.

The relationship between us has also become extremely hostile. Communication is often difficult, and I feel that despite being separated for nearly a year, I’m still being treated as though I should continue financially supporting the household in much the same way as when we were together.

I have continued contributing financially, and I’m prepared to continue supporting the children. I don't want them to be financially disadvantaged by the separation.

The difficult part is that my wife wants to remain in the house, keep the furniture and household contents, and retain the benefit of the equity. There is around £100k of equity in the property. At the same time, she wants me to continue contributing towards the mortgage and other costs, potentially for many years.

I’m struggling with the idea that I should effectively give up my share of the equity and continue paying towards the mortgage afterwards, while I’m living on my parents’ sofa and have no benefit from the property.

I’m not particularly interested in fighting over furniture or possessions. If she wants to keep those things, I'm willing to accept that for the sake of keeping things as straightforward as possible. But it feels difficult to be expected to give up the equity as well as continue making substantial financial contributions.

I have even been prepared to walk away from my interest in the house rather than force a sale, because stability for the children is important to me. But surely there has to be some recognition of the fact that I’m also trying to establish somewhere to live and rebuild my own life.

For context, we were together for around 31 years and have now been separated for nearly a year. I’m not trying to punish her or take anything away from the children. I’m simply trying to understand what a fair financial arrangement would look like after separation.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that if I give up my share of the equity, there should be some corresponding change in the ongoing financial arrangements?

I’d particularly appreciate views from people in the UK who have been through divorce/separation and dealt with jointly owned property.

I’m not looking for people to take sides. I genuinely want some impartial perspective on what would be considered reasonable and financially fair in these circumstances.

I’m looking for some impartial advice because I’m struggling to work out what is reasonable here.

My wife and I have been together for around 31 years, but we separated nearly a year ago. We still have a jointly owned family home, worth roughly £300k, with a mortgage outstanding and a relatively small loan that was taken out for improvements to the house.

Since separating, I’ve been sleeping on my parents’ sofa while trying to rebuild my life. Meanwhile, my wife has remained in the family home with the children.

The relationship between us has also become extremely hostile. Communication is often difficult, and I feel that despite being separated for nearly a year, I’m still being treated as though I should continue financially supporting the household in much the same way as when we were together.

I have continued contributing financially, and I’m prepared to continue supporting the children. I don't want them to be financially disadvantaged by the separation.

The difficult part is that my wife wants to remain in the house, keep the furniture and household contents, and retain the benefit of the equity. There is around £100k of equity in the property. At the same time, she wants me to continue contributing towards the mortgage and other costs, potentially for many years.

I’m struggling with the idea that I should effectively give up my share of the equity and continue paying towards the mortgage afterwards, while I’m living on my parents’ sofa and have no benefit from the property.

I’m not particularly interested in fighting over furniture or possessions. If she wants to keep those things, I'm willing to accept that for the sake of keeping things as straightforward as possible. But it feels difficult to be expected to give up the equity as well as continue making substantial financial contributions.

I have even been prepared to walk away from my interest in the house rather than force a sale, because stability for the children is important to me. But surely there has to be some recognition of the fact that I’m also trying to establish somewhere to live and rebuild my own life.

For context, we were together for around 31 years and have now been separated for nearly a year. I’m not trying to punish her or take anything away from the children. I’m simply trying to understand what a fair financial arrangement would look like after separation.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that if I give up my share of the equity, there should be some corresponding change in the ongoing financial arrangements?

I’d particularly appreciate views from people in the UK who have been through divorce/separation and dealt with jointly owned property.

I’m not looking for people to take sides. I genuinely want some impartial perspective on what would be considered reasonable and financially fair in these circumstances.

I was 14 years old when I met my wife. We were together for 32 years and have three children together. She was my first love, my only serious relationship, and the person I genuinely thought I'd grow old with.

Earlier this year she ended our marriage after having an affair and is now in a relationship with the man she had the affair with. I still love her, and I hate admitting that because I know it's stopping me from moving on.

For the last six months I've been sleeping on my parents' sofa because I haven't been able to get a place of my own. Meanwhile, every Sunday I'm expected to spend from 10am until 9pm at the family home looking after our children while she goes out. I dread it. I'm anxious before I arrive, anxious while I'm there, and emotionally exhausted when I leave. It feels like I'm helping her move on while I'm trapped in the life we used to have.

From my perspective, things after the separation became frightening. There were multiple incidents where she assaulted me. I was punched, grabbed hard enough to leave bruises, had my T-shirt ripped off during arguments, burned with an iron, had a belt put around my neck, and strangled. Bitten, hit over the head with a saucepan for no apparent reason other than shes just angry with me. I never fight back but have held her wrists to stop her attacking me and bruised her. She took photos and has threatened to tell the police.

One incident I still struggle to process is that she smeared me with a dirty toilet brush and then threatened to tell people I'd raped her unless I got into the bath in front of her. I completely deny that allegation and have never raped her. That incident left me terrified of what she might say about me and has affected me ever since.

I also felt like I wasn't allowed to move on. She tracked my movements, repeatedly contacted me, and when I tried to start dating she took my phone and deleted my Tinder account. For months after we separated she would ring me constantly—sometimes 20 or 30 times in a single day. Yesterday was the first day in 32 years that I hadn't heard from her at all, and it felt both heartbreaking and strangely peaceful.

Despite all of this, she regularly tells me that I've "ruined everything." I genuinely don't understand how she can believe that when she chose to have an affair, end our marriage, and begin a relationship with the person she had the affair with. Hearing those words has made me question myself over and over again.

Today, while I was at the family home, she sent me a meme saying that a boy walks away when a woman deserves better, but a real man becomes a better version of himself because he can't bear to see her with someone else.

She wants me to keep paying towards the mortgage for another 10 years if she can't get a mortgage in her own name. I want a clean financial break. I'm even prepared to give up my share of the equity if it means I can be released from the mortgage and we both walk away with no future financial claims. I don't think I can heal while I'm still emotionally and financially tied to this situation.

She says she needs time off and calls me a "part-time parent" if I suggest changing the Sunday arrangement. I love my children more than anything, but I'm beginning to realise that spending every week in the house where my marriage ended is destroying my mental health.

She seems to have gone all out on making my kids hate me and even brags about how much more they like her new guy than me.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting a clean break? Has anyone else escaped a relationship where they still loved the other person but realised the continued contact was stopping them from healing? How did you protect your relationship with your children while also protecting yourself?

I have started the divorce process.. but I'm totally broken.