r/Divorce

2 days ago my wife of 15 years told me she didn't love me that way anymore. She no longer feels emotionally safe with me and only sees me as a friend. Tbh I don't blame her, I've made a long series of mistakes in our marriage and I completely accept if she decides to end it. Not to say she's completely innocent in putting up barriers to intimacy between us but I'm not here to tally up a scoreboard. I'm sitting here in hotel room alone on a guy's trip I've spent months looking forward to, the other guys will be here later today. I'm trying to have a good time for the next few days but it's tough feeling good feelings right now. I told her before I left that I would give her some space to make a final decision so we're not going to communicate until I get back but it's hard not to reach out and ask how's she's doing. I'm coming to terms with how truly alone I am without her. The worst part is when I get I'm going to ask her if she missed me and I genuinely don't know what answer I'm going to get. Not even sure why I'm posting this, I'm not a social media guy, just need to get something off my chest

Anyone in our close circle would call us relationship goals. We met in high school long distance and he moved to the states to marry me. Our five year wedding anniversary is next week. I’ve been sick with the flu and staying in bed so much. He got furloughed on monday. Said he wants a divorce yesterday. We’re both young, I’m only 27 and hes the only partner I’ve ever known. I genuinely can’t fathom my life without him. I can’t help but think all the shit going on in our life right now is making him rush into something that he doesn’t fully want. I get intrusive thoughts like he’s just gonna walk out and say “sike”. We don’t have kids but we have two cats and a dog we treat like children and every time I look at them I think about what their life is gonna be like without him and its heartbreaking. I have physical limitations and I don’t know how I’m gonna pick up the daily walks that my husband gives my high energy dog.

His reason for the divorce is him thinking we’re not compatible. I have mental health issues that make me struggle to complete household chores and generally struggle with ambition in life. I’ve been working on it with medication and psychiatric help but he thinks I’ll never reach the level he needs in a partner. He also has some sexual preferences that I’ve always communicated are outside my boundaries and he’s decided its a deal breaker that I can’t participate in them with him. I feel so blindsided.

On top of being heartbroken I don’t know how I’m gonna survive without financial support. I have a job but I make minimum wage and its not enough to support our animals or pay rent anywhere. I’m going to stay with my mom today but I’m terrified I’ll just live there forever now.

Before you raise your pitchforks on my partner or me, let me explain our relationship first. We're already 4 years together, and have a 1 year old son. I love her, so much in fact that i do everything for her comfort, leave my old life to build ours, Find WFH jobs because she wants me home, I have no regrets on that , and she does too, she does take care of me and my son , cooks for us the whole thing.

Except this, whenever I say "I love you" to her, she only answer with nods, "mhms", "okay". Whenever i kiss her whether leaving for work or getting home after or maybe because I just want to, I get no return. And well as for our sex life, it's gone to the floor especially when we had our son (which is understandable so let's focus on the kiss and "i love yous")

That being said I feel , a little hurt, dissapointed? Underwhelmed? Less loved.. And before you say it , I ASKED HER , already. Multiple times the answers I'm getting range from "Tsk, I'm too tired" "we're no longer teen , we're adults" "you're making a big deal out of this" and worse to "you shouldn't been with me if that's what you only wanted" "I don't want to in public"(Public display is not everyone's cup, I understand but even a simple I love you too?) and "I already nodded, said yes, responded what else do you want"

One day , I stopped, didn't do it for a week. No kisses , no i love yous.. then she asked me " I feel like you've changed, why did you change? Do you not love us anymore" so i told her everything above AGAIN she said, okay she'll do better. So I did go back to my routine of kissing her, saying I love you... ... Still nothing.

Am I in the wrong to feel this way? Am I overreacting for something so simple and for feeling like I've had enough. Is it wrong for me to think, she'll say it more and better if I wasn't her partner.

I just can't anymore, sorry for the long rant.

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about my ex husband. It feels like I’m constantly searching for my way back home, but someone changed the locks. No matter how many new keys I try, the door stays shut.

Every day, I wonder why I wasn’t enough. I spend hours in therapy retracing every step, replaying every mistake, trying to figure out what more I could have done. It’s hard to accept that I gave everything I had and still wasn’t chosen.

I feel stripped of my dignity, stripped of the person I used to be. Some days, I barely recognize myself. I feel like a shell, trying desperately to fill the empty spaces and piece myself back together again.

The grief consumes me. I think a part of it always will.

We were caregivers for her dying mother in the house, after the funeral she for lack of a better word lost her mind went to her sisters (planned to only go for 4 days) and just never came back. She told me she was gay while there and will barely text or talk to me now. I gave her everything and now I’m very isolated in a city without many friends and no family here. I’m just going through the motions and taking care of the dogs (one was her moms) and every day is so painful now.

Have any of you been abandoned suddenly and how did you heal?

I left my husband 3 and a half months ago after 11 years. He was a perfect husband but the alcohol was bad. I have been seeing this guy for a month and my step daughter was asking my friend if I am seeing someone.
I am so nervous if she will ask me herself.
I really don’t want x husband to know because I don’t want him to be hurt so much.
I don’t have the heart to tell him. 😢

Married 2-1/2 years. Together 5. Couples therapy for the last few months only to witness her emotional affair with a coworker happen right in front of my eyes. A mutual friend for years.

I knew it was going south. We had a wedding coming up next month we were both in and I figured after that she would call it done. Instead I had to watch as they just flirted over the weekend like fucking teenagers. I feel so betrayed.

Why can't you just say, "I want a divorce"? Instead I have to get stabbed out the door. I supported us and tried to give you the world. Times got hard and depression set in for me. You just lost respect for me. You focused on disappointment and lost trust when finances got tight. I was hurting so much. I was lost and I didn't know how to cope. I felt like I failed you and you made sure I knew it.

When you were lost? Hurting? Without direction or passion? I stood by you and enabled you to explore. I never admonished you for the executive disfunction at times. I never got angry with you when you when you spiraled or were lost. I just wanted you to be happy. I still do. You were my person. My rock.

I took the verbal abuse when you drank over the years. I dealt with the nights when you crashed out, screaming at me over bullshit. Our friends that I've confided in for years are relieved for me that I'm free of those nights. But I just feel like I held on through all that pain, for what? Being hurt like this? Being shown that you couldn't give a fuck less about my feelings? My pain?

There's so much more. Just so so so much more and I'll never be able to articulate to you this hurt. I hope you have a blessed life. I hope you move on and get the help you need. And I HOPE you have some semblance of understanding of how much that cut me.

Edit: Just to clarify, she admitted to it Monday.

I am trying to turn the focus from my ex and onto myself. Looking for advice/info about what you did to get yourself out of the hole and feeling more confident and happy. Certain exercises or foods, books you read, daily habits, activities you started or joined that made a difference? Please give details for the rest of us so we can join you on the other side of the grief!

Right to the point: Divorce is around the corner. I find it emotionally devastating. Other people carry on with their lives, but I don't currently have a job ... which I'll need to survive. How in the world am I supposed to SECURE A NEW JOB in this condition??! I don't even know how I'd be able to FUNCTION in most jobs, let alone JOB HUNT, APPLY, and INTERVIEW. Is there something a person in despair can do a good job at, and easily get hired for??????

When people spend time (sometimes decades) building a life and (potentially) raising kids together, the breakdown is inevitably complicated. Reducing all that time down to a neat little script where one person was a saintly builder and the other was just a selfish taker is a massive cop-out.

Usually, it's not a villain and a victim. It's just two people who got completely lost in incompatible expectations. It's easy for one person to dictate exactly what "putting in the work" looks like, and then label their partner a failure when they don't fit that exact, rigid mold. It doesn't mean the other person was faking their commitment the whole time; it just means the partnership broke.

I'm completely done. I've completely fallen out of love.

Everytime I try to bring up my problems in the relationship to fix things he shuts down, turns it on me and refuses to have a constructive talk.

I feel like my only option is to leave the house and send a text to let him know I've left him. I've tried to leave him before and he doesn't let me.

Is this ok?

Father is getting a divorce in AZ from a 13 year marriage to a stay at home Mom since child was born (child is 2). Worked full time previously. Finances not huge issue but if it's been 5 or 6 months since temporary orders went into effect keeping mother's lifestyle at exactly what it was before, at the end of that 6 months at the final decree, what would the alimony most likely be and for what duration? Lawyer is telling father most likely alimony will not be awarded.

Mother is set on not working and continuing to be a stay at home Mom, since separation 7.5 month ago has not tried to find any work, says she has no place to live once house is sold and can only live 165 miles away in Mexico with her mom. Mother is asking for full custody with visitation at mother's discretion whilst living across the border.

Mothers lawyer is claiming that Father's emotional break and subsequent attempt at suicide while alone directly after divorce news and custody claim is enough to be awarded full custody. No other police or medical incidents in the entire marriage and no police visits to residence ever. Father was treated at hospital for a mandatory 6 day stay and was diagnosed as a emotional break and released at day 6.

Mother found out that father was being released after treatment and successfully committed father to a different involuntary mental institute straight from the first hospital program claiming father's parents signed off falsely. Second institution recognized that father was already treated and in good mental and discharged father same day hours after sheriff's brought him.

My question is ultimately besides alimony amount and length, is an attempted suicide with no previous issues or reports or claims in the past enough to award custody to mother? Multiple psychiatrists and therapist and long-time primary care doctor have stated that mental health is good and that father's attempt was caused solely based on the emotional break. The attempt by father was made alone while mother and child were visiting Mexico. Father has no record and long time steady high-paying job as well as long-term steady housing situations. Father also has more than six character witnesses from doctors, therapists, a teacher and a police officer detailing his personality and emotional character as well as supporting good fatherhood characteristics.

Ultimately is father making a mistake thinking he has good chances at joint custody. So child cannot move away and miss crucial time with Father at such a young age.

After 35 years of being married to a woman I loved and took care of. 35 years of being a "good guy" My wife came into a large inheritance and told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. She wanted her life to go in a different direction. And within a couple days she was gone to live with her sister.

How does someone just wipe away all those years like it meant nothing?

I married what I thought was the love of my life. We are 23 years old. We are both 6 figure earners, had the same mindset when it came to wanting a family and getting married growing up being Christian. Since week 1 my wife has been threating me of divorce. We are 5 months into the marriage and it has only gotten worse. Yes, she sometimes have the right reason to be upset with me like maybe I don’t clean the house or our communication might be off so I need space to cool off and she doesn’t agree with that. There’s a pattern for almost every arguement. She always wants a divorce but never goes through with it. I’m really exhausted by it as my friends no longer want to hang out with me because she drags so many people into our problems, my college classes have taken a hit as I can’t focus due to the emotional toll it’s taken on me. I can’t focus on work as much as I used to and I’m really afraid it’s going to get worse. Can anyone older please give some advice. Is this something normal in a marriage that people keep to themselves and can possibly get better? Or am I just cooked and should leave? I don’t believe in leaving but It seems like if things don’t change. My life is going to go down a very bad path.

California: I am about to file for divorce very soon, but my husband is not aware. A brief history on his personality will give context to this purchase being creepy.

I have caught him watching "corn" many times, but what was the most worrisome were the times I would notice the browser history looking at young girls under 14 years old doing the splits in gymnastic outfits. It was not "spicy" content, but I understood full well why a man in his 50's would search those things at 2am. (Separate bedrooms after I noticed his habits.) Since the things he was searching were not explicit, I was told when I attempted to report it that there was nothing illegal to see there. I get it, it was a long shot but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't check.

Now, I am in my early 40's and we have 2 daughters, ages 5 and 7. He has a previous marriage and children, they are 2 boys and a girl, all in their 20's. I only have these 2 daughters. He is the breadwinner, and he does not allow me to work, though the girls were in public school at the time.

Throughout the marriage, I have been the sole caretaker, cook, chauffeur, PTA mom, Birthday party mom, etc. I have done everything to try to keep everyone happy while being in this loveless situation because I was threatened that he would fight for sole custody of the kids, due to the fact that he bought the house in 2007 and we have only been married 5 years. He threatened that the courts will make me move out (fine, I hate the house) and then grant him custody for stabilitie's sake. I, on the other hand, would need to move back to where all of my family lives in AZ so he argues that they would never give me custody in that situation. SO I stayed and stayed and stayed. I got tired of staying, it was killing me, and damaging what our daughters saw as a married couple. I want out.

I moved to Phoenix with the girls under the guise of "helping my elderly parents" for "a few months." that was in January. He has only visited once, and rarely calls the girls on their shared tablet with its own phone number, maybe 1-4 times a month. He believes we are just "working through things" but I am just not interested anymore and have been trying to find a way out.

---------
To the purchase I just saw (We share a computer and have Chrome profiles on it, so I just click his to see his history, and he can do the same for mine. I am posting from my sister's account.)

He purchased... a Princess 32" doll. Not naming the princess. But yeah.

A man who financially abuses us 3 (call me when you get to checkout and I'll transfer the amount you need. Bring home the receipt.) and no access to any accounts... no say in his large purchases he makes without informing me...

Anyway, he has NEVER sprung for a nice toy for our daughters. Ever. We do not get nice things. They also are not into princesses... and I have seen search history before looking at "princess doll hands" a few months ago. He also NEVER buys gifts for people. I have gotten exactly nothing for 4 birthdays and mothers days and anniversaries now. I have to buy his mom's birthday gift, etc. This is FOR HIM.

Can anyone shed light, is there a fetish or a reason he is doing this? I saw it was delivered to the house (via the ring camera) and just... ew. What do I do? How do I end this marriage and keep my children? How do I cope with this nasty info? HELP.

I am not trying to rip him out of their life for good, I just think it is best if we continue doing what's been working out here and scheduling visits/vacations with him. And just FYI, even without this information, his entire family supports my leaving and will speak on my behalf if needed to establish that he does nothing with these girls.

Opinions, facts, laws, anything you want, just please respond, I am so alone in this gross and hopeless feeling. I'm in hell.

So I (F24) and soon to be ex husband (M41) are going through a divorce. We got separated last month and we have a 15 month old son.

I know this going to be get messy because we’re both stubborn and don’t back down.

He owns the apartment we lived in. We have a prenup. I don’t care to be here to be honest, I actually want to move out ASAP.

He is scared that I’m going to file for child support (which I already did) because he doesn’t know how he’s going to afford the mortgage for the apartment, his regular bills, and now child support.

I don’t see how that’s my problem. I’m not complaining of taking care of my son all by myself. He doesn’t check in, he doesn’t ask about him, doesn’t even buy a gallon of milk. He’s telling everyone he can’t see our son because of me LOL!

Biggest joke of the year I guess

* have multiple messages and recorded phone calls begging him to come see him even for an hour and he refuses “because he can’t be near me”… I guess I have the plague y’all.

Well we were supposed to do alternating weekends. This weekend is his. I’ve been texting him and calling so that way I can plan accordingly because this mom needs a child free weekend ASAP.

He told me his attorney told him he can’t engage with me, even when it comes to the baby. I call BS!

I have no idea what to do, I feel like filing for sole custody because that’s basically what I’m doing in the first place.

My life is a joke.

Thoughts?

I don't even know if I have the mental fortitude to recap the whole horrendous mess. But I am free. I am finally free of this horrible woman after over 3 1/2 years.

Without going into every detail, this woman and her choices, have seemed to be acutely aimed by her and her rich parents to make this as painful as possible on me and my family (and their son/grandson unfortunately).

The fastest rundown possible:

1. Infidelity with my-- at the time best friend, random guys, couples, whatever... when it got to couples I for sure knew it never had anything to do with me.

2. Physical abuse. Like constantly physically attacking me, including her getting arrested for pulling a knife on me while I slept.

3. Alcoholic to the extreme. Sneaking away our kid to go to the 'grown up drink store' and telling him not to tell dad. Had to have her stomach pumped in her late 30's after a 911 call.

4. Telling EVERYONE, that I was beating on her and my son. Including showing her family her forehead scar she got from being so drunk she fell off the bed, and accusing me of abuse. This, is by far and away, the thing that terrified me the most when I found out. Like she was trying to set me up to go to jail and would constantly call the cops and tell them I was beating her and my son.

Thank God I recorded everything. A simple smartphone saved my life and my ability to have custody of my kid. If not for that... would I be in jail right now? The possibility is greater than 0%, which is horrifying to me.

After all that she got kicked out from the judge and a bunch of other stuff and she doubled-down. And her rich parents made sure she didn't have to pay too hard for throwing our lives away. Constant court battles and more court battles and more lawyer fees, trying to bleed me out so I couldn't afford to have a lawyer by the end of the divorce.

Oh, and guess what happens if your stbxw gets pregnant in the middle of a divorce in Texas? Your case gets pushed back an entire year-- because they have to wait to do a paternity test. Never mind the fact that she named her new baby the name we had picked out together, and even had the audacity to not just keep my name, but to give my last name to her new daughter. Oh and did I mention I got a call from family services because not long after it was born, my ex had another issue with THAT child, and because we share a child, I had to be notified?

She even threatened to take away my career (I was an online figure) if I didn't give up our son and let her have him instead. I politely told her no thank you and went and got my RE license.

But it's done. It's finally done. No more lawyer bills. No more lawyer bills. I get to finally, finally move on and I can't tell you how freeing it is, after nearly 4 years, to finally feel like I get to do what I want with my own money again, because I don't need to spend every dime I've ever made ever, on lawyer fees.

I made it. You can too. Just stay the course and don't let your anger lead to choices that ruins your custody with the judge. Because the money is replaceable, the house, the cars, the pool (that I miss dearly), all of that is replaceable, but your time raising your children? That is priceless. Fight for it and keep a cool head. You can make it too. I promise.

Love y'all!

I’ve often seen variations of this on my social media feeds. Sometimes it feels like those who find themselves seeking support through or following a divorce are either partners of the first man, or are themselves the second man. Or, similarly, partners of a woman who wanted a husband and children and women who wanted to be a wife and a mother.

Separation, divorce, and marital decay cannot be simplified down to this… or can they?

One spouse wanted to have the life.

One spouse wanted to create the life.

One wanted it given to them.

One wanted to work for it.

One wanted to bask in it.

One wanted to live in it.

In one way or another, in some similar sentiment, many divorces happened because one spouse wasn’t able to be a partner and/or a parent. They wanted to have a husband or wife without giving themselves as a husband or wife in return. Not fully. Not holistically. And the imbalance lead to decay.

Sometimes through that spouse finally giving up the façade and walking away. Other times through abuses, or disloyalty, or a breaking point where the invested spouse walked away.

One wanted to be* *and one wanted to have; so neither met their goal.

So, which one were you — if you’ve made it through this thought dump…

I need help. I stay in my toxic marriage because of finances.

I make about $75,000 a year, and my husband makes about $120,000. We have a two-year-old daughter, and I honestly don’t know how I would afford to live on my own. After taxes and retirement, my paycheck is a little over $2,000 every two weeks. I know alimony may be an option, but I’m also currently in school and using his GI Bill benefits. Finishing my degree would cost more than $30,000 without that, so I feel like that has to be part of any negotiation.

Then there’s childcare, rent, and the general cost of living. A two-bedroom apartment here would likely be at least $1,600–$1,700 a month, childcare will likely be split between us, but that’s another $700-$800 split. I’m also not originally from this area, so I have no family here and very few friends. He would never agree to let our daughter live in another state, and he is a good dad, so I assume custody would likely be split.

That said, he is verbally and mentally abusive toward me. He has never hit me, but he has restrained me on the couch forcing me to talk to him, and he has taken my car keys away multiple times. If I were financially stable enough, I would leave this marriage tomorrow.

We have around $100,000 in equity in our house, but most of that would probably go toward paying off debt, including cars and a personal loan. We may each have around $20,000 left afterward, but a good chunk will probably go towards lawyers. The lifestyle change is also hard to face. I’m used to traveling fairly often and not worrying about finances as much, but divorce would put me in a very difficult financial position.

I can’t stay in this marriage much longer. The hate and resentment grow stronger every day. We’ve talked about therapy, but it took him months to even schedule an appointment, and he still has not followed up. At this point, I don’t even know if I want therapy anymore. I think I just want out of this nightmare.

It’s also stressful because we are both religious and involved in our church, so I know there will be shame and judgment there too.

I don’t know. I mostly need to vent, but I also need advice from people who have been in similar situations. I know a lawyer alone could cost at least $10,000, and I feel trapped. If I could go back and beg my 22-year-old self not to get married, I would. The only good thing that came from this marriage is my daughter.

This is exactly why I have always been against the “trad wife” movement. It traps women in horrible marriages. I work full time, have a bachelor’s degree and multiple certifications, and I’m still struggling to leave because of money.

From Trust to Distance: Our Marriage Unraveling After Years Together

This might be a long one...And all over the place at times...But I have nobody to talk to and I don't know what to do anymore. My wife (35F) and I (38M) have been married nearly nine years and together for 16. We have four children, ages 3 to 16, and currently all live together. We’ve been through a lot, and I used to think nothing could break our family.

A few years ago I noticed a shift, and since then things have continued to spiral in a bad direction. I remember late 2020, after I lost my job outside the home during the pandemic. (wife works in healthcare and was fairly stable), I became a stay-at-home dad, teaching our second-oldest (with school locked down) and caring for our second-youngest, who was about six months old. It was a big life shock and after 6 months of that, I started working full time from home on top of it, which I still do.

At first our sex life improved; we experimented with roleplay and explored desires we hadn’t before. I assumed it was safe and that we would talk if anything crossed a line. A few months later, on a weekend away when we were both intoxicated, I discovered she’d been sexting a married college friend on Snapchat who lived out west. She said she thought it would excite me, and thought it was harmless, but it shocked and broke me. I later found proof she’d sent nudes and videos to him; she lied about that part. I had never known she could be so sneaky or what a good poker face she had until I held it up to her face and then she couldn't deny it. She was more mad I found it and claimed she didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me by me knowing. We did marriage counseling. During one session she said I couldn’t let it go; the therapist told her that was unfair so soon. She apologized, said she never meant to hurt me, deleted Snapchat, and blocked him at my request. I thought we’d mostly recovered. We had another child, moved to a new area, and tried to move forward.

After our last child was born (we had agreed that would be our last), she became fixated on changing her appearance and losing weight. We’d dieted and exercised together before with mixed results, but she chose to get bariatric surgery despite my concerns that it can change people and relationships. She basically found the surgeon that is referred to as the "used car salesman of bariatric surgery" I tried to lose weight naturally and did make progress, but remained overweight. After her surgery she became more focused on herself and lost interest in family activities and in me. She changed jobs a few times and gravitated toward younger, single coworkers.

Late last year, she told me she loved me but wasn’t sure she was “in love” with me anymore, blamed medication for blurring her feelings, and said she didn’t feel much during sex. It felt like she was checked out. She brought up exploring a poly relationship and wanted things to be different. We experimented with swinging: she had a sexual experience with another woman in a car while I watched, and we met another couple and kissed and touched. I had to stop because I wasn’t comfortable going further; she wanted to continue. She created an Instagram focused on herself and her role as a mother with no mention of me, opened her own bank account, and did these things without discussing them with me.

She became obsessed with a “mommy makeover” and pushed for a costly loan to pay for it; I cosigned because she said it was the only way. I told her I never found her unattractive, but she said she needed this to feel comfortable in her own skin. I supported her: we went to Miami from New York for the surgery and I helped her recover. All this happened while my elderly father was recovering from a bad fall and I was moving him and sorting out his care.

She started making friends with male coworkers I’d told her made me uncomfortable. One weekend while I was helping my dad she said she was going to a girls’ night; I said I wasn’t comfortable with it, but she went anyway. I later learned a male coworker was there and that she’d had a long call with him before spending the night at a friend’s house. She didn’t come home that night and left our oldest to babysit the younger kids. She returned at 7:30 a.m., saying she’d been too drunk to drive. I told her how upset I was; she blew it off and refused to hand over her phone, saying I had no right to go through it. She got back on Snapchat, hid message previews, locked down her phone, and is on it constantly when home. She seems very disconnected and acts as if everything else is more important than our family.

I’m hurting and feel trapped. I don’t want to break up our family, but I don’t know what else to do. At marriage therapy the other night she told me she wants a divorce and said I can keep the house and the kids most of the time. She seems checked out. Is it over? Do I accept it and move on? I feel like I am living in hell.