r/Divorce

My wife of 20 years just disclosed that she was unfaithful to me 18 years ago. She had a 9 month affair with a co-worker.

At the time our marriage was strained. Neither of us were meeting each other's needs, neither of us knew how to communicate that to the other. Both of us were miserable, both of us wanted out but neither had the courage to say it. I say this for context, not to justify her actions

I had always been suspicious. I discovered that the two of them were calling each other when it was happening. I confronted her, she admitted to emotional infidelity but swore that nothing physical had happened between them. She ended it with him, stayed with me. I've asked her about it a few times over the years, she always maintained that there was nothing physical.

Last week she finally gave it up. Admitted that she was sleeping with him for 9 months. Had him in our bed.

In the 18 years since she has been faithful to me. I believe this 100%. We have built a family and a life togther. 3 teenage kids, own a home. Two weeks ago I would have said our relationship was the best it has ever been, we were genuinely happy together. Meeting eachothers needs, supporting one another. Looked like a fairytale marriage, one that would last forever.

The disclosure of the infidelity has hit me like a freight train. As much as I still love this woman, I know that I'll never be able to forgive her, and I worry that I will never get over it and resentment will develop.

She is just as torn up as I am. Says she will do anything to prove her love for me. I don't doubt her. We have booked a couples counselling appointment.

My heart wants it work, but rationally I know that I should walk away. The betrayal is so deep, I don't know how I could ever trust her again.

I am simultaneously afraid that I'll never get over what she did, but also that I'll never be able to get over her.

I am so conflicted in this moment.

I hate myself so much, what is wrong with me?

I pushed and fought, I snapped and spewed until I ruined all that could have been.

He tried so hard, but I couldn't see. Too blinded by my own suffering.

I had so much love to give, but my thoughts silenced me.

I don't love myself or who I am, I'm worthless, I have nothing to offer.

I don't even know who I am anymore, nothing more than bitter.

I do the opposite of what I want and need, a recklessness burning so deep.

So ungrateful for everything, so many had much less than me.

He was so pure, so sweet, so kind, I destroyed his fundamental being.

I poked, I prodded until he cried and then I left him to bleed.

I never once apologised, too ashamed of what I had done.

I expected him to fix himself, then sat and wondered what was wrong.

I caused him such pain and suffering. I was the worst kind of drug. An addiction that didn't give anything, only took until he was done.

I hate myself, how am I so cruel, so blinded by my own self-doubt.

Why couldn't I just appreciate or acknowledge I needed help?

I was so ashamed of what's wrong with me, so tired of not being well.

I destroyed the one who comforted me, I dragged him through hell.

I have a pain, burned so deep, is it from when I was a child?

I'm obsessed with him, but so selfish, I hurt him more when he cried for help.

I made him guard himself, he thinks I hate the essence of who he is.

I destroyed everyone's life because I couldn't find happiness in bliss.

I'm not worthy of the love he gave, not worthy of his time.

How can I be kind to all, but the one that was mine.

I'm so broken and twisted, so shallow and cruel.

He gave me everything he could and I treated him like a fool.

So self-centred, I couldn't see his struggle, so burnt-out I thought I was too good.

He was drowning all by himself and I just kept filling up the pool.

I hate myself, hindsight is the fucking worst. Now I must live with my regrets, because I didn't want to acknowledge I was the disease.

I’m going through a divorce after 12 years of marriage, and honestly, I feel like I’m falling apart emotionally.
He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and the person I’ve spent most of my adult life with. We have two children together, and even though I’m the one who initiated the divorce, I’m struggling more than I ever imagined.
I feel so emotionally attached to him. Part of me knows why I made this decision, but another part of me feels like I’m losing my entire world. I feel lonely, sad, confused, and broken. Some days I feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life because I don’t know who I am outside of this relationship.
I’ve also been stress eating, and I feel overwhelmed trying to process everything while still being there for my children and figuring out what my future will look like.
I never imagined that after 12 years, I would be starting over. The thought of building a new life, being alone, and accepting that our family will look different is terrifying.
I guess I’m looking for some hope from people who have been through something similar.
For those who went through a divorce after a long relationship, especially when you were the one who initiated it but were still deeply in love with your spouse, did things eventually get better?
How long did it take before you started feeling like yourself again? Did you eventually stop feeling so attached? How did you deal with the loneliness, the grief, and the feeling that you had lost your purpose?
I would really appreciate hearing your honest experiences. Right now, I just need to know that it’s possible to get through this and feel happy again.

It’s been a weird couple of days in my process.

My husband of eight years and the father of my two toddlers went to public with his affair partner earlier this week. We are five months into our required year separation before divorce. Most people did not know that we were even separated because we have kept it pretty quiet. He went and blew that up by posting a picture of them together. I have known about her for a while. Since right after he left. But we had never talked about or acknowledged the fact that he was leaving me for someone else. In fact, he outright denied it several times though admitted to cheating on me previously in our marriage. So it was a bit of shock to literally everyone, especially me, when he posted a picture of him and his affair partner online. There were several people who reached out to me when they saw it. Over and over I had to explain that yes we are separated and yes, he cheated on me with her. It was awful feeling like I had to be the one to yet again manage him and his choices.

But at the same time, I’ve been so supported by people that I’m genuinely surprised even reached out to me. So many kind words and love from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Or know him better than me. Even members of his own family. I’ve really kept all of this to myself for months now and now that it’s out there and everyone knows it’s like a weight has been lifted.

What he did to me was and is horrible. It’s devastating. It’s disgusting. He betrayed me in the worst possible way out of pure selfishness. I carried his children. I loved and supported him through his addictions. It’s painful to know that I meant so little to him when he meant everything to me. That he was able to toss me aside like I was nothing. Especially since it wasn’t even a clean break. Especially since we still have to coparent. He didn’t just destroy our marriage but he took half of my motherhood too now that we are 50/50 custody. That’s going to carry with me for a very, very long time.

That’s why it feels so weird to say the next part. I feel so free. The secret is out there. There’s nothing to hide or protect anymore. I don’t have to worry about literally anything or anyone except for me and my kids. I can do what I want. I can talk to who I want. I can go where I want. I can wear what I want. I don’t have to consider him or his feelings anymore. I can go to bars and clubs. I can wear high heels and short skirts. I can sing karaoke and go to trivia nights. I can watch TV in my freaking living room again. I can open the curtains and turn the lights on. I can decorate the house however I want. I can buy my kids stickers and toys that make crazy noises. We can be loud and messy and spontaneous. I can take my kids out to eat and to parks. I can invite anyone I want to my house. I can have friends. I don’t have to worry about the food I’m cooking or the music I’m listening to or the pictures I’m posting or the show I’m watching or where I’m going and what time I’ll be out until.

I would have never left him. I would have stayed in that marriage forever and told everyone how happy I was. I would have quietly forgiven him over and over, convincing myself that I was being a good wife and fighting for our family. I would have loved him for the rest of our lives not ever truly realizing that no one was really loving me. It’s not until I’m looking back now that I see how unfair my life has been. How much of myself I gave up for his comfort. I was begging to be loved without even knowing it.

But I deserve better than that life. My boys do too. I’m a better mom. I’m a better me. Hell, I’ve even lost 70lbs. I’m actually enjoying life. Sometimes through tears, sometimes through painful thoughts and memories. But I am LIVING. And honestly getting out feels like one of those neglected animals being let out into a field feeling the grass and sunshine for the first time. I didn’t even know what I was missing out on. The path to get here has been hell. And I know there’s certain to be more hell to live through. But there is so much more now too.

I’m gonna be okay. In fact, I think I already am.

I recently started dating a divorced man, and the more I learn about his previous marriage and his current relationship with his ex-wife, the more confused I become.

I’m genuinely curious whether other people would consider this a healthy, mature post-divorce friendship or whether there are some serious boundary issues here.

For context, they were married for approximately ten years and have no children together.

Here’s the backstory, as he’s explained it to me.

The marriage and divorce:

Toward the end of their marriage, his wife apparently proposed opening the relationship and becoming polyamorous.
He started going to therapy around the time she proposed this arrangement.
They ultimately divorced, and she ended up marrying someone who had previously been one of his best friends.
Yes, you read that correctly. His ex-wife is now married to his former best friend.
You would think that might create some distance between everyone involved, but apparently not.

The current arrangement:
Despite being divorced for approximately two years, they remain extraordinarily involved in each other’s lives:

● He has dinner with his ex-wife and her new husband every single Sunday.
● He regularly housesits for them.
● He continues to help his ex-wife with practical matters, including things involving her vehicle.
● He has told me that if his ex-wife called needing something while he was spending time with me, he would go help her.
● He remains closely connected to her family.
● He told me that her parents absolutely love him, while also making a rather contemptuous comment suggesting there was a reason her own family disliked her.
● He has shared surprisingly intimate details about his ex-wife’s body with me, which I found unnecessary and inappropriate.

He also invited me over to her house while he was housesitting, seemingly with the expectation that we could have sex there. I declined.

Here’s where I start getting uncomfortable.
I have absolutely no problem with people maintaining amicable relationships with former spouses. In fact, I generally consider it a green flag when someone can speak respectfully about an ex and end a relationship without unnecessary hostility.
But this seems like something beyond friendship.
He appears to have retained a substantial portion of the routines, obligations, and emotional availability associated with being married to her, despite the fact that she’s now married to someone else.

When I expressed discomfort about where a New Romantic partner would fit into this arrangement, I didn’t feel that he understood why I might have concerns.
It almost seemed as though the existing arrangement was nonnegotiable and anyone entering his life would simply have to accommodate it.

What do yall think?

EDIT: to add, there was never a period of no contact after divorcing. She doesn’t seem comfortable around him and all communication goes through the new guy, whom my boyfriend doesn’t even LIKE

My sister asked me for a recent picture of myself yesterday. She's putting together something for our mom's birthday.

I opened my camera roll and started scrolling.

There are pictures of my electric meter, a dent in my car door, screenshots of apartment listings, a grocery receipt I needed for a return, and about 40 pictures of my dog.

Not one decent picture of me since March.

My wife and I separated in February after 11 years together. Divorce should be finalized soon. No kids, relatively civil split, and I'm doing okay compared to how I was in the beginning.

But this caught me completely off guard.

When we were married, she'd take pictures of me doing random stuff. Cooking dinner, falling asleep on the couch with the dog, trying to fix something in the garage. I'd complain about looking stupid and she'd keep the pictures anyway.

I didn't realize that was the only reason I had photos of myself.

I went hiking twice this summer. Had a really good weekend visiting an old college friend. Finally started going to concerts again. There have actually been some decent days mixed into the bad ones.

And somehow I have almost no pictures from any of it.

It's not that I need pictures for social media. I barely use it. I just looked at six months of my life on my phone and realized that, apart from bills and errands, there's almost no evidence I was doing anything.

I tried taking a selfie for my sister and felt like an idiot. I'm 41 years old and apparently don't know what to do with my face when nobody's standing behind the camera making fun of me.

I ended up sending her a picture from last Christmas and cropping my wife out.

That felt worse.

I don't even know exactly why this is bothering me so much. I don't want the marriage back. There were good reasons it ended.

I just didn't expect to miss something as small as having another person occasionally think I was worth taking a picture of.

Has anyone else noticed this after divorce? Did you eventually start documenting your own life again, or does that just stop being something you think about?

At 52, I’m in a season of life I never really saw coming.
Twenty-one years of marriage is over, and now I’m learning what life looks like on this side of it. Some days I still replay the hurt, the disappointment, the memories, and the things I wish had gone differently.

The quiet still gets to me, especially after drop-offs. Going from one family routine to shared time and coming home alone is a big adjustment.

But even in all of that, I’m grateful I still get to be their dad. I’m grateful for the time I do get with them. The normal stuff. The meals, the rides, the noise, the questions, the routines. All of it matters more now.

When they’re here, I want them to feel like they have their dad fully present. Not stuck in the past. Just here, showing up the best I can. So I’m trying to make choices based on what my kids need, not just what I still feel.

I can’t change how everything ended, but I’m grateful I still have a chance to keep healing and not let this make me bitter.

Right now, I’m taking it day by day. And if I can keep showing up for my kids, keep working on myself, and not let the ending of my marriage harden me, then maybe that’s enough for today.

Wife of 20 years met a new friend about 3 months ago. Of all a sudden red flags and 2 months ago she says there is nothing going on when I asked her about it and said well let’s just get divorced.

It was text book infidelity signs. We decided on no fault no contest divorce because we want to avoid the courts and wanted to split it up how we wanted but I still wanted proof in case shit goes shit goes south. I went searching through her phone because I wanted proof. Yup it’s wrong but I don’t give a shit anymore. I got the proof when her friend was texting her asking about “our sex lives” and just the betrayal I felt like throwing up.

That anger quickly turned into jealousy and that’s what eating me alive. We haven’t had sex for years (I could win a prize dead bedrooms). There was a number of reasons through that time. Lately she’s been having a lot of lady part problems and pre menopausal. She does have those problems and that’s what makes this feel even worse. Between issues she is having sex with someone else.

She pushed me away for years and then this. The jealousy that she is allowing someone else to do this when I’ve tried for years. I asked her about it because I thought something was going on even though I really know. She denied everything and said she doesn’t want anyone touching her because of those issues. All the lies just made the jealousy worse and it’s really fucking me up right now.

At least I don’t have to check that shit anymore and got what I needed. This guy is a fucking tool, she could have at least picked doctor or someone successful. Wouldn’t make the hurt any less but at least he would have had a job.

Not so much a rant, more like I'm heartbroken for my 28 year old son.

I'll apologize for writing poorly in advance. I just need to get this out of my head.

I'm open to any comments for either my Son or I, but would appreciate it if there isn't a lot of meanness in them.

Son met up with his Dad about two weeks ago and was told Dad is getting married (this weekend which is Thanksgiving Weekend) and that Son is not invited. And that there will not be an additional gathering for the holiday.

If I had to guess, my Ex probably would have liked him there but his new wife has appeared to lump her own feelings (of hatred, frustration, ?) of me in with the existence of my Son (based on his casual indifference towards her, this is my assumption). He's a good man and I couldn't imagine him being rude to her in person. He doesn't have a problem asserting himself if needed but he wouldn't want to embarrass anyone (himself included) in public.

My Ex and his new wife were caught cheating (by me). At that time, I told my Ex to just give our son some time to adjust before throwing Son and his GF together but somehow (probably because it was my suggestion) it has turned out that Son could not see his Dad without her there, ever. In order to avoid that, they would just meet up without telling her.

We separated 8 years ago (this month lol) and have been divorced for 4 years.

From day 1, I told my Son his feelings are valid and acknowledged that he should talk to his Dad about what happened. Because people make all kinds of mistakes in life and that just because we do something that a lot ppl don't agree with doesn't mean we should be judged our entire life on those mistakes.

I have also told him that if he intends on keeping his Dad in his life, then he must accept reality and be open to some kind of positive-ish relationship with the new wife.

I think the problem genuinely lies with my Ex and his lack of showing up for our Son. Ex seems to want a relationship with our Son as long as Ex doesn't need to stick up for him.

Well shit .

Got married a couple years ago to my partner of 5 yrs . I know Im not supposed to feel like a failure but what else am I supposed to feel.

My partner and I are complete opposites. I think the biggest thing we had in common was our love to make each other laugh or just make people laugh in general. I am a 35 yr old F who was recently diagnosed with ADHD . I bring that up to say that I dont think this divorce could have been avoided. From the beginning of our relationship i was open and honest about my struggles with anxiety and social anxiety , he kind of blew it off almost as if he just didnt believe me . Then when it came time to go to social getherings and things like that he noticed i wasnt as fun as when its just himself and I, but he always spun it as if i was just being a jerk to his friends or family.

These past 5 yrs I changed a lot about myself to please him. Forcing myself into small talk with people he loved who had 0 interest in getting to know me. Being "on" during family gatherings even though inside i was dying to go get into dark room with less noise. Most things that he wanted me to change about myself im later realizing were linked to adhd.. and that makes me even more sad. None of this is to say that i didnt have any fault in this divorce but damn i feel like i shouldve seen this coming as someone who also is really good at pattern recognition ...

So now at 35 i start over . Again feeling misunderstood and alone.

sorry for all of the typos and poor grammar .

My wife (40f) and I (40m) have been together for 22 years and married for 12. We have an 8 year old son. Over the years we have drifted apart. Little to no communication, no intimacy, we don’t do anything together etc. We have been nothing more than roommates for probably the last 10 years or so. I have fallen completely out of love with her. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. My mental health has not been good, at all. The other day I brought this up to her. Now she’s being all lovey dovey and telling me she wants to fix things, and that she loves me so much. She’s also said I can’t leave because it would hurt my son. She’s also said I’d be breaking vows I made. My son is happy, he’s smart, he’s doing well in school. She seems to be content living like this. So I’m feeling guilty now that I’d be ruining both of their lives if I left. I’m struggling with what to do. I’m not in love with her anymore but I care about her and don’t want to hurt her. Do I just suck it up and keep them happy? I don’t know.

I am in a dark place right now. I have no family (died this year) and best friend is gone (also recently died) - I have no phone calls - total isolation except for strangers.

I don't know where to go, what to do, how to make new meaningful friendships. I have been shunned so many times. Maybe its just Seattle culture or maybe I really am too damaged to have friends.

I'm moving out of state next week to try and start new somewhere. Any recommendations? This is my only hope. I work remotely and can move anywhere in the USA. I have no better idea than to just go live somewhere else for a year and pray to God it works for me. I don't know if I will make it like I am now.

Where should I go? I can't enjoy anything I use to love. I just need to be around positive people. Wherever the hell that is at.

This is me doing anything first - trying to step back from the ledge - trying to have hope for my future.

Me and my wife have been together for 18 years married for 11 we have 4 beautiful children together. Two weeks ago I found out she started dating some guy and when I confronted her about it she admitted to it and offered me an open marriage or divorce, I love this woman with every fiber of my being so I agreed to an open marriage even though I didn't want it a week later she told me she was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce. I literally dont know what to do now, I want to save this marriage this relationship but she doesn't want to fix anything. She has already started looking for some where else to stay. It feels like my entire soul has been ripped out I dont know what to do i am drowning in pain and the tears wont stop. I just want my family back together as a whole!!!

Hey everyone - my wife and I have been together 11 years, married for 6 of them. We have a 3.5 year old daughter who is the best little girl in the whole world. Long story short - we've had some issues coming from both sides but who doesn't? We have remained faithful and loyal to each other. No cheating (well not to my knowledge) or anything like that (again, not to my knowledge but now I'm really thinking about things) Today as I was going through some paperwork by the printer I found an FL-150 which is according to google : Income and Expense Declaration used in California family law courts to report financial information during divorce, child support, spousal support, or attorney fee proceedings Filled out and signed by her - along with two handwritten pages of every item in the house she is going to apparently take with her / or split with me. My heart hurts. We have never talked about separating or anything like that. I am going to talk to her about it tonight. Is this paperwork something that can be reversed or nullified? I know nothing of divorce law or anything like that, but I guess now would be a good time to start learning. I love my wife, I do not want to lose her. I love my daughter too and I want her to grow up with two loving parents.... which is what I thought we were doing up until now. Man what a day...

How do you get by with the betrayal after 21 years of marriage? I still care for her and was hoping to work it out but this new “friend” came into her life 2 months ago and now they are in love and want to be together. She doesn’t know i know and thinks I’m just oblivious to all of it. As soon as she started talking to this new friend there were a lot of red flags. I knew she was cheating but finally got the proof snooping through her texts today, I know that isn’t right but I really don’t give a fuck at this point. I feel like throwing up.

We were having our issues trying to work through them but within 2 weeks of meeting this dude he told her she’s his best friend and it’s now we’re divorcing. We’re trying to keep it amicable and split everything up but part of me just wants to bring this up and confront her even though that won’t do any good. It will blow up in her face at some point because this dude is just smooth talking her to get what he wants and he knew I traveled for work a lot.

I just don’t know what to do right now. Angry, hurt, sad…everything is coming up at once and it’s overwhelming. I really just want to pack my shit up and go. I’m really having a hard time today and just feel completely betrayed.

A woman from my past re-entered my life about two months ago, I basically hit her up and asked her out and on our first date it came
out that she is still in the midst of a non-amicable divorce but has been separated for over a year. Things escalated faster than either of us intended, but now we are in a spot where a conversation
about exclusivity is on our radars. I like her a lot and she has voiced that she likes me a lot as well. She is an awesome communicator and initiated a conversation a couple weeks ago about how much she likes me and how confused that is making her. She said that she isn’t ready for a relationship yet but that this is obviously on that track. I am willing to afford her more time than I would maybe another partner, in terms of putting a label on things. But I am kind of playing it by ear re: exactly how MUCH time. Because I value my time as much as hers.

I guess my question is, how much time is a normal amount of time to date someone going through a divorce in regards to exclusivity? This is totally uncharted territory for me (and her) and any feedback Reddit could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Edit: she was married for a little less than 10 years

My wife and I of ten years will be divorcing. She is from a different culture, different religion, different mother tongue, however she speaks English fluently, almost better than me and I am native. We have two boys (8 & 6) with our oldest being autistic and younger neurotypical. Both boys have very very different needs and they do not play together, rarely acknowledge one another and both in need of ALL our attention. We also lost a daughter to trisomy 18, 2 years ago. My wife is devout to her religion, I consider myself agnostic. The agreement was that I 'accept' the faith which I did. Also to learn about the faith, which I did. Five years into the marriage I decided this faith is not for me and did my best to continue in the marriage. It is proving to be far too challenging. We married late when I was 42 and she was 33. I am an independent man, living on my own since I was 19 years old sometimes living with friends in times of need. My wife has always livd with her parents, and when we married she wanted to continue living with them while she raised our children. Her culture and her own upbringing was always around family and extended family, which I thought was very nice and knew was very different than mine- she also has two siblings, one who also lives at the house with us. I learned that she relied heavily on her parents for support (cleaning, cooking, feeding the babies, financially etc.) I kept my rental and sub-letted, while 'living' with all of them. I supported financially with everything I had. Now I have two jobs and trying to start my own business. She works part-time at the same job that she had when we met 16 years ago. She earned her Masters degree while we were married, I earned a BA just before we married ( we met at University). Yes I did my education very late! Her mom has been very sick for over a year. I am trying to be considerate and compassionate during these circumstances. However, at times I have been an asshole in expressing myself and very likely emotionally abused her. I have a history of confrontation in past relationships and come from divorced parents. I was her first - she's never been in a relationship before I also got sober during our marriage and have been 7 years clean from poly-substance abuse that started when I was 12. Coffee is my last drug of choice.

She wants an uncontested divorce and custody of both children and will not consider for a moment, giving me custody of one child. My argument is that she struggles to look after herself in nearly every way. I'd prefer not explain all the ways because it is almost impossible to imagine, but to give some context without exaggeration, I do 90% of domestic duties- laundry, bathroom, kitchen, changing bed sheets, garbage (including her parents and sister). They are all very loving people and very supportive of our children, but very different in how they live compared to what I am use to, which is 'picking up after yourself'. She also chooses to have both boys sleep in our bed, she breast fed one of them until 5 years old the other 3. The straw that broke the camels back was that denial she lives with stating that she has "limitations". So therefore, no effort on her behalf when it comes to finances and domestic duties are required and that I should be doing everything that I am currently doing. I obviously disagree.

While we have been separated for over a years I still financially support them with everything that I have, which is not much. I have offered to raise one boy, either one, with a little more preference towards my younger as we play sports together and connect like father and son. Let me clear, I connect with both and it will still be difficult regardless. We would still always keep in touch and allow one another to see each child anytime. I understand that this sounds like "I'm breaking them up" which is in fact true, but they will always be brothers- both have very different needs. I strongly believe they would both benefit from having one parent's continuous, undivided attention and recreationally having time together throughout their future. My autistic son, as beautiful as he is, still non-verbal, not toilet trained and a flight risk needing 100% attention which we both provide. My other son, is involved in so many activities, sports and like any 6 years old, wants all of our attention. Its a crazy situation and just to conclude- I get what I deserve. I wanted different and certainly got it. Now Im trying to do what's best for both my boys without damaging them anymore than I may have already- any thoughts? questions are welcome too- thanks for reading

My ex messaged me 2 weeks ago with a huge apology and desire to see me again because she missed me and our 'frienship'.

We talked pretty much every day after that and saw each other a few times. We cuddled, joked and had deep chats.

She has been in therapy for childhood trauma since April, which I had no idea about and was going to suggest she seek harder.

Apparently this therapist has told her she cannot be in a relationship and to seek new people for surface level relations etc.

She kept saying she can only offer me friendship, but her actions (like inviting me into her bed to cuddle, running her hands down my chest etc) showed she wanted more than that. She even said she considered not going ahead with the divorce.

I asked her whether she saw me as a safety net or something worth fighting for. She said neither but she has love for me. She said I am the right person for her just at the wrong time.

She is still talking to and seeing other people just for sex.

Was this a breadcrumb to see whether I am still available?

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need somewhere to put it.

I’m going through a divorce with someone I genuinely loved more than I can explain. And one of the hardest things for me to process isn’t even that the marriage is ending. It’s looking at someone I shared a life with and wondering how we got from loving each other to this.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend our marriage was perfect or that I was perfect.

We fought. We argued. We both got angry. Things were said in the heat of the moment that shouldn’t have been said and, speaking for myself, there are things I wish I could take back.

I can own that.

But what I cannot own are things I genuinely did not do.

There are now allegations being made about me that I completely deny, including allegations of abuse. I know Reddit only has my side of the story, and I’m not asking strangers to decide who is right or wrong. But I know what happened in my marriage, and I know there were times when I was on the receiving end of behaviour that I believe was abusive too.

What is destroying me, though, isn’t the accusations.

It’s my daughter.

It has been six weeks since I last held my baby girl.

Six weeks.

Today I was sitting in church and there was a little baby girl in front of me. I looked at her and something inside me just collapsed. I can’t properly describe that pain. I miss the weight of my daughter in my arms. I miss seeing her face. I miss being her dad in all the tiny, ordinary ways that you never realise are everything until they’re gone.

That’s the part I can’t understand.

Her mother knows me. Whatever she thinks of me now as a husband, she knows how much I love our child. She knows that if there is one place she can hurt me more than anywhere else, it’s there.

And that’s exactly where this has gone.

Now I’m fighting through lawyers just to have contact with my own child while simultaneously defending myself against allegations I say are untrue and dealing with the financial side of a divorce where it feels like everything I’ve worked for is also being fought over.

I understand that a marriage can fail.

I understand that two people can hurt each other, become angry, resentful and eventually decide they cannot be together anymore.

What I don’t understand is how someone you once loved can become someone you barely recognise.

Take the money you so desperately want, Fight me over the house. Be angry with me. Divorce me.

But why does our daughter have to become part of the battlefield?

She isn’t a weapon.

She isn’t property.

She’s a little girl who deserves both of her parents loving her.

And I’m her dad.

I don’t want revenge. I don’t want my daughter growing up believing her mother is a terrible person. That’s still her mother, and I will always respect that relationship.

I just want to hold my little girl again.

Six weeks doesn’t sound like forever when you write it down.

When it’s your child, it feels like a lifetime.

I’ve been freaking out lately because my soon to be ex husband makes a lot of money and i suspect he’d go after custody when he meets someone else to avoid child support.

I was the stay at home mom and I raised them while he was barely ever around.

My kids have had a few issues lately which prevented me from working as much.

My daughter had two accidents at school (wet herself)

And my son had strep.

Soon to be ex husband suggested I leave my daughter in school with wet pants to teach her a lesson

And when my son gets sick “too bad, give him Tylenol and send him back to the classroom”

I’m not doing any of this. I’m not taking any of his suggestions because it’s ridiculous. If there’s an issue with my kids I’m picking them up..

My therapist said this was borderline abuse.. does anyone Agree with this