u/Top-Treacle-9557

My wife and I are separated but still living together because we have young children and we’re trying to figure out the logistics of everything.
I know I have responsibility for why our marriage got to this point. I cheated, I broke her trust, and I’ve owned that. I’m not looking for people to tell me I was right or to excuse what I did.

The problem is that living together has become incredibly toxic.
I don’t start the arguments. Most days I’m actually trying to keep to myself, stay calm, and avoid conflict. I’m also currently at home taking care of our young kids, feeding them, taking care of them, doing household responsibilities, etc. I’m trying to be present for them while everything between us is falling apart.
But she’ll ask what’s wrong, I’ll say nothing because I don’t want to argue, and somehow the conversation turns into the affair and everything I’ve done in the past.
I’ve been called a loser, insecure, told that I make her unhappy, told that I’ve “lost her,” and told that our daughter may resent me someday. When I try to defend myself, I’m told that I don’t get to talk back because of what I did.

I understand why she’s angry. I really do.
But at this point, it feels like anything I say or do gets turned into another argument about the past. If I give her space, I’m giving her the cold shoulder. If I try to be affectionate, I’m ignoring the fact that we’re separated. If I get upset, I’m manipulating her. If I defend myself, I’m making excuses.

We have young kids in the house, and I don’t want them growing up listening to their parents constantly fight.
I’m trying to figure out how to live under the same roof without continuing this cycle.

I’m not asking how to win her back. I’m not asking whether I was wrong for cheating. I know I was. I’ve spent a long time trying to take responsibility for it.
I’m asking how you create boundaries with a separated spouse when you still live together and have children.
How do you respond when the conversation turns into insults or the affair gets brought up again?

Do you just walk away? What if they follow you and keep arguing?

How do you divide household responsibilities when you’re separated but still sharing a home?
And most importantly, how do you protect the kids from the conflict while still functioning under the same roof?

I’m not looking to bash my wife or make myself out to be a victim. I know I have things I need to own. I just don’t know how to keep living like this without constantly being pulled into another argument.
I don’t want another war every day.
I want to be able to co-parent peacefully, even if our marriage ultimately doesn’t survive.

Extra information: We both agreed to move states into a new house while i guess trying to repair the marriage, but now i see it was only one sided.

I’m looking for honest opinions, not validation.
I made serious mistakes years ago. I was unfaithful while we were dating, and I also engaged in behavior that deeply damaged my wife’s trust. She found out about much of it about two years ago.

I fully understand why she was hurt, and I’m not trying to excuse what I did.
Since then, we’ve moved to another state, had another baby, and I left my career, old friends, and support system because we agreed I would stay home and care for our two kids while she worked. I take care of the kids every day, handle nighttime wakeups, care for the dogs.

The problem is that for the past year and a half, almost every conversation eventually turns back to my past mistakes. Even after calm moments, cuddling, or spending time together, we’ll end up in another argument about things that happened years ago. I’ve apologized many times and accepted responsibility, but I feel like we keep reliving the same fight. Sometimes I ask if we can pause because I’m emotionally exhausted, and she feels like that means I’m avoiding accountability.
Recently I also found out she’s been confiding in another man who told her he finds her attractive. She told him to keep it respectful, however is telling him details on this situation and told him shes getting a divorce, but it still hurts because we’re still married.

I’m not asking whether what I did was wrong—it was. I’m asking whether it’s reasonable to feel emotionally worn down by the constant cycle of fighting while also recognizing that she’s still deeply hurt. Is there a point where two people are no longer helping each other heal and are just reopening the wound over and over?

Does it cross your mind how the person who wants the divorce is willing to throw everything away?? How they can turn a cold shoulder and just ignore the beautiful moments as if they never happened. What hurts the most is losing a bestfriend someone i can just come home too and connect. How do you even start over again? Wheres the light at the end of the tunnel? Im losing my best-friend, my safety my comfort zone. Most importantly my young toddlers who i wont be able to be with 24/7….

I’m struggling with the reality of divorce and could use some advice from parents who have been through it.
My wife and I have two very young children. One is a toddler and the other is still a baby. My daughter is especially attached to me. Every morning she wakes up looking for me, and when she comes home I’m usually one of the first people she wants to see.

For context, I spent much of our marriage working and supporting the household. Recently we sold our home, moved states and I left my jobs to make the move because we were supposedly trying to save the marriage.

I became the stay-at-home parent while my wife worked. A month after moving, she told me she wants a divorce and says there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Now I’m trying to rebuild my life. I just got a new job offer, I’m figuring out childcare, custody schedules, finances, housing, and everything else that comes with divorce. Some days I’m angry. Some days I’m relieved. Most days I’m heartbroken about what this means for my kids.

For those of you who have gone through divorce with young children:
How much did you miss them when they weren’t with you?
How did you handle the first nights away from them?
Did your children adjust to a 50/50 schedule?
How did you deal with the guilt and fear of not being there every day?

Looking back, what helped your kids the most?
I think the hardest part for me is not losing the marriage. It’s the thought of not seeing my kids every morning and every night.
Any advice would be appreciated.