u/Ethylene519

My husband (43m) and I (42f) have been together 12 years and married for 8. We have a toddler.

We'd always faced issues with intimacy and communication. I had a normal sex drive when we met, he was less interested in physical intimacy and struggled to discuss the issue. I took this personally at first, but tried for years to learn to talk through it and become more connected with him in this way. I mentioned many times that I did not have a problem with porn if he used it, he claimed he "didn't really" use porn and just had a low libido. This was allegedly a lifelong issue and he had "no real interest" in sex. I also suggested opening our relationship early on, after noticing him looking at other women. He was adamant that he wasn't comfortable with an open relationship. Despite this (I know, I know) our relationship was otherwise very good for the first several years, but for roughly the last 5 years, my husband became increasingly emotionally unavailable. Communication basically disappeared. If I tried to talk about our relationship or my feelings, he would shut down, give one-word answers, or act like there wasn't a problem. Over the last few years, he's shut me down by implying that I am toxic, problematic, and essentially bullying him. I can see now looking back at emails and my journals, as well as his own recent admissions, that I was not the problem.

Eventually I stopped trying and we basically became roommates/co-parents. Our bedroom has been dead for years.

Two weeks ago, I discovered that he has been abusing his prescription stimulant medication and going on days' long porn benders. Usually once a month or more, for years and years. More recently these episodes included interacting with and talking to other women on dating websites. He as anonymous, but the women were local. He never met anyone in-person. Although this is a horrible betrayal, I believe him on this point as we live in a very small town and I would have heard about it. Obviously, I was furious and the situation blew up. I told him I was leaving him and have decided to divorce. It sounds like he has struggled with compulsive sexual behavior since childhood, and he does have other addiction issues that he has largely overcome, prior to meeting me.

This isn't a "should I stay?" situation. He knows I'm not changing my mind and says he doesn't expect me to. I've disclosed all of this to enough close friends, and a more wholesome version to my family, that I wouldn't go back on that decision even if I wanted to.

We are still living together for practical/financial reasons, plan to file soon, and because of the waiting period and our plans to repair and sell our house in the spring, we'll likely be cohabitating for a while.

Here is where things get tricky... Since everything came out, we've been having incredibly open conversations about our marriage, his betrayal, what happened between us, and how both of us feel. I honestly think we're communicating more openly and kindly than we ever have in our entire relationship. He has been mature, honest and remorseful. And we've started having sex again for the first time in years.

It's been amazing. Not just physically, but the combination of sex, affection, vulnerability, honesty, and finally feeling emotionally connected to him after years of deprivation is incredibly intense. I know how absurd that sounds considering I'm divorcing him for betraying me.

My rational brain is saying, "This is probably a terrible idea. You're going to make the separation harder. Stop sleeping with your soon-to-be-ex husband."

But another part of me thinks: the marriage is ending either way. Neither of us is pretending this means we're reconciling. After 5+ years of feeling lonely and emotionally neglected inside my marriage, I'm suddenly getting this strange little window where we're actually talking, being kind to each other, acknowledging what happened, and enjoying each other's company again. I don't want to give it up right now.

I'm also only 14 days out from discovering the betrayal, so I recognize that my emotions and nervous system are probably completely haywire. I have my first therapy appointment with a new practitioner who specializes in this kind of thing in a few days.

*** I am physically safe, from STI and in other ways. for a number of reasons I won't get into here, I am not concerned about this negatively impacting the terms of our divorce. I have the upper hand there and have sound legal advice and representation. I am not concerned about this being just another layer of manipulation on his part.***

Has anyone experienced this weird period of closeness/intimacy with an ex while separating or divorcing? Did it actually help you get closure, or did it make detaching significantly harder?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who understand why this feels good but will still tell me the things I probably don't want to hear, if necessary.