u/Moderate_Bones

3 years ago my wife felt she was done being a partner to me. She had concerns over how I treated her. They weren’t entirely unfounded, I had room to grow and mature. Perhaps my poor qualities were not equal to the degree she despises me for them.

With years of therapy, books, online programs and friends, I have grown and improved as a husband. Our relationship only got worse though. In March I moved out. I’ve built a comfortable life around friends, kids and hobbies. She’s turned down my effort/ requests to build connection and try to improve our relationship.

I thought after 5 months apart I’d reached a point of acceptance that our relationship is over. Therapy focused on getting me there. Today I told her that I am ready to move forward with getting a divorce. She seemed a bit sad, but accepting. Then when I left, I just wanted to hold her and cry. I didn’t. I just walked away and cried in the car and at home. She was my support and my rock for over 20 years before she had enough of me. It hurts like hell right now.

I’ll be sad today. Tomorrow I’ll start back on the road to acceptance and growth.

I (45 M) have had a spiraling marriage for a few years now. My wife (47 F) and I have been through therapy, and things are not working out. As I prepare to let her know I want a divorce, her mom (90) just died.

A bit of backstory:
Our marriage trouble started when her mom first needed to move into assisted living. My wife took on the task of cleaning out her mom's home. This was a huge task. In doing so she realized that she wanted to be a different person. Unfortunately that new version of her isn't someone I can find joy living with. This was 3 years ago. While her mom had nothing to do with our troubles, my wife has regularly said, "You are not supporting me when my mom is sick."

Last fall I decided I wanted a separation. I was open about the process, so it was not a surprise when the day came. I waited until after the holidays, then rented a place starting Feb 13. Then in an unfortunate twist, my wife had a stroke Feb 12. I stayed for the next month and took care of her and our home. It was a nice experience with us reconnecting. She made a full recovery. As she got better, I could tell I was no longer wanted and made my way to the new place mid March.

Now I am ready to move to divorce. Then last week her mom died. I was there by my wife's side during the last couple days of her mom's life. I'm involved in making arrangements for the funeral. I'm taking the kids more days to give her time to grieve without home responsibilities. I'm truly going to be here for her during this phase. This is one of those moments where it's easy to put my feelings and needs aside and only focus on her needs. Our relationship troubles can be put on the back burner for a while.

So Reddit, how long do I give her to grieve her mother before asking for this divorce?

Update, mainly because Morgan loves updates**:**
I appreciate many of you weighing in on this. I especially appreciate those that have shared their own struggles when loosing their parents. It seems 2-6 months is the most common range.

I do acknowledge that she will never "get over" loosing her mother. This is a tragic and devastating time. That was just meant as a hook. I'm looking to see if there is a time that your resiliance goes back up after something like this.

For those who want more info on how my marriage fell apart: Nope. I'm not here for that. I acknowledge that I have blame in this. This marriage would not have gone bad without my problems and weaknesses. You are welcome to share why you think IATAH. You'll even be right in some aspects. To you I ask, if you believe she would be happier and better off without me in the long run, what's the kindest way for me to proceed?