Salaam. My spouse and I have been married for less than a year. I need advice on whether this is halal or haram. One partner loves recieving oral sex and the other partner hates giving it. The partner who loves it says it is absolutely halal and has evidence, while the one who hates it says it is haram and also has evidence. Who is correct? What are the differing opinions?
My husband reposted a video telling a story of a woman giving her husband her gold to get him out of debt. (Pictures attached.)
My husband has a lot of debt and I am helping already with bills and groceries by putting 50% of my pay check into a joint bank account to use for bills and groceries and other house expenses.
Am I overreacting to think that this is so rude to repost? Also, feels threatening like he is pressuring me to hand over my gold that was mine since I was single… and considering he hasn’t even given me my Mehr.
I initially lost 12kg on Mounjaro… and then I gained 17kg. All my progress lost. I stopped taking it because I was so upset and gained more weight. Now I’m at my heaviest ever. I’ve never been this heavy and feeling so embarrassed and demotivated. Don’t even want to go to my GP for a repeat because I’m embarrassed that I’m fatter than the last time she saw me months ago. She won’t give it to me if I’m gaining weight. Help.
Hi all,
I’ve been diagnosed with IIH since 2020, and I’ve been in and out of remission. Unfortunately, weight does play a huge factor and whenever my weight fluctuates or goes up, I experience a flair up in symptoms. There are other things that trigger it too, though.
Anyway, I’ve been having the worst IIH headache for the past 10hrs and nothing is helping. I feel absolutely debilitated. It’s getting worse by the hour. Does anyone have a trick to help quiet down the headache?
It’s hurting my eyes, head, neck, and shoulder. I feel extremely nauseous. My head feels heavy.
I’ve tried to sleep but can’t. I’ve taken Advil and ondansetron. My husband gave me a head massage which helped distract from the pain, but as soon as it stopped it came back.
What do I do?? I can’t take it anymore. It hasn’t been this bad in years.
I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments. Context: we’ve been married 9 months and living together.
I (23F) was getting ready for work and he (23M) had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.
So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?
I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments.
I was getting ready for work and he had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.
So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?
I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments.
I was getting ready for work and he had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.
So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?
Update: after adding some
context in the comments while replying to people, someone said it’s worth mentioning that this isn’t a stand alone incident.
Look, he has a very harsh aggressive personality. He always says he would never lay a hand on me/harm me. That a man who harms his wife is not a man. We’ve had our issues, and we have a lot of fights but i’m told it’s normal the first year of marriage. However I often find myself deeply upset by him and he often turns the situation on me. Like once when we were having a good time and he suddenly yelled at me and i got scared so i went quiet. then he got mad at me for
going quiet and “ruining the mood” and i smiled for him and stayed lighthearted and said no everything is okay i was just startled but he stayed mad.. and then i tried to properly explain why i got scared/upset from his sudden yelling and he was adamant
that he didn’t even yell, that i was overdoing it and i make his life hard and give him a headache. Look brother, there’s a lot of different instances that im sure provide more context and i’ve made a post about it previously that was very long and extensive. but i made this post as an isolated post because i wanted a second opinion on the incident when it is not influenced by what has happened previously.
important to mention one other scenario similar to this one:
one day we were sitting on the couch together having a conversation and a nice time. He had previously gotten a bruise on his leg at work which was pretty painful. While we were talkin I moved my arm to show him something and since we were so close i ACCIDENTALLY hit his bruise which obviously caused him pain. When I realised i said “omg im so so so sorry i didnt see it was an accident are you okay? i’m sorry” and fussed over him for a bit and he went all stiff and took deep breaths and closed his eyes then muttered “don’t punch her, don’t punch her, don’t punch her” and i asked him “what? why would you be thinking that” and he said “what’s wrong? i’m saying DONT punch her” i said “yeah but that means the first thought was to punch me and you’re holding yourself back. why did you want to punch me?” and then he said “because you hit my leg the natural reaction when someone hits you is to hit them back” and i said “but im your wife, and i told you it was an accident.. so why would that still be your reaction?” and then he got so frustrated and punched the couch pillow multiple times right next to my head and said “you’re so frustrating why are you like
this? why don’t you understand? i know you’re my wife and it’s an accident that’s why i didn’t do anything”
so when he pulled the knife i remember that incident.
I need some clarity. Idk if i’m taking this too far in my head and maybe it wasn’t even that bad im just overthinking. When you read this, please look at it as a stand alone incident surrounded by good days and good moments.
I was getting ready for work and he had the day off. He’d been so so so nice and sweet and doting and loving to me the few days prior to the incident. SO perfect. he didn’t want me to go to work because he missed me a lot and wanted to hang out with me and he was saying “can’t you take the day off work? i miss you so much idk why. i just want to be with you” and i laughed and said “aw im so sorry baby i really can’t take the day off work because i have [specific obligation at work] today and there’s no exemptions. Otherwise i totally would have called in sick and spent the day with you” and as i was saying the last few words he was already walking away. I continued to get dressed and he came back with the knife and just stood there. i laughed and said “why do you have a knife?” and he lightheartedly said “should i slice your arm right now?” and here i got a little concerned and a bit nervous and said “why would you do that?” and he said “so you don’t have to go to work. you’ll have a legitimate reason” and i said “well no, then we’ll spend the day at the hospital and it wouldn’t really be a day off” and he said “no don’t worry, i know how to slice it so that it doesn’t require hospital. just superficial” and i told him “god, your jokes are so heavy.” and he laughed and went back to the kitchen.
and everything was sweet and cute and nice again and there were no issues. he was doting, hugging, kissing, made me breakfast.
So is it really abuse or just a really immature joke?
TLDR; married 8 months to a 23M i've known for 2.5 years and i think i might be experiencing emotional abuse but it's so subtle i can't always tell if i'm crazy or if it's real. basically every fight follows the same pattern, he does something wrong or overreacts to nothing, i react normally, and somehow by the end of it i'm the one who ruined everything and made him feel like he's walking on eggshells. he broke his no smoking promise and turned it into me being controlling. he won't even consider doing anything for our health before ttc and gets mad when i bring it up. he's insanely controlling over what i wear, my hijab, makeup, perfume, and constantly needs my location and approval before i see friends or even my own parents, but then watches other girls on ig, lies about it, gets caught, and still does it again. he loses it if a man even waves at me from across a room but gets to stand shoulder to shoulder with women and calls me crazy for asking him to move. he's $45k in debt and keeps reposting stuff about wives handing over their gold. there was a morning he picked up a knife and asked if he should cut me so i'd have an excuse to miss work and laughed it off like a joke. he gives me silent treatment for days if i break one of his rules, and constantly tells me "you can't do shit, only me." i wrote out a bunch of journal entries too and reading them back they're honestly exhausting, it's just constant walking on eggshells, apologising for things that aren't my fault, and being made to feel crazy for having normal reactions. i just want to know if i'm actually losing it or if this is as bad as it feels. He hasn't paid me my Mahr, wants my gold, enforces extreme religious rules on me but cannot abide by basic rules for himself.
Hello. I need advice. I honestly don't even know where to start... I will write what I can and hope something coherent comes out.
I think I a being emotionally abused. But it is so subtle sometimes, if you're not in it you wouldn't notice it. You wouldn't understand. I feel like I am going crazy.
I will write out a few situations/ behaviours I actually remember.
I am 23F, working fulltime and studying my Master's full time, and my husband is 23M. We have been married for just over 8 months now, but we have known each other for two years and seven months. There are good moments that are SO good, and then there are a lot of really BAD moments too. I have spent the majority of this relationship crying.
I know there were red flags during our courting period, but I was too attached and blinded by love to leave. I won't discuss any of the events that occurred **before** marriage because my husband has sworn he has changed and I want clarity on whether my trauma from our dating and engagement period is affecting how I view this marriage, or if it truly is as bad as I feel.
To him, I am always in the wrong. Yet he always says that I flip it and make him out to be in the wrong. An example: One night as we were in bed getting ready to sleep for the night, we were joking around with each other, laughing, and genuinely having a good moment. He asked me to pass him the pillows from the floor on my side of the bed. In that moment, I thought I had seen two of his pillows on his side, so I said "Aren't they on your side?" He said, "Give me the pillows, come on! They're with you." Me: "No, I could have sworn--" He cut me off. He started YELLING "Don't say no to me! Don't you ever say no to me! When I tell you to do something, you do it. Don't talk back to me ever!"
When he yelled, the volume hurt my ears, and I became frightened. I didn't understand how we were laughing one second and then he's yelling the next. I felt extremely vulnerable and anxious, and I did not want to set him off again. So I froze, I went quiet. I handed him the pillows which were on my side. He was right. I was wrong. However the situation did not warrant that type of reaction.
He then proceeded to get mad at me because my mood "flipped for no reason" and I went quiet. He was blaming me for being quiet and saying I'm the one who ruined the mood and you make me sick. So I said "no no I promise nothing happened" and I laughed and continued what we were joking about before he yelled at me and did things to try and make him laugh and carressed his face and kissed him. He was angry-faced the whole time. Called me a liar and to stop "acting". I told him I'm not lying I promise everything is okay. Then he mentioned when I got quiet and froze and said if I was really fine why did I do that to him and show him that I was so pissed off. He said that I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells around me and he can't live his life having to calculate his every move and word and tone of voice as to not trigger me. I said "but that's not what happened" and as I tried to explain to him that I was just startled by his sudden yelling mid-conversation, and that I only went quiet to avoid triggering HIM further and to keep the peace, i started crying because he just wasn't getting it. I was sobbing because he wasn't understanding me and he kept repeating that he didn't yell, didn't even do anything. That I am overdoing it and I am crying for no reason and I am giving him a headache and making his life hard. I went to sleep crying and he tried to 'console' me while still being angry. He was sitting up and mae me lay down. When I tried to sit up because I felt weird he wouldn't let me and said no you stay down and I said well I don't feel comfortable with you angrily towering over me and I am helplessly lying down. Then he scoffed and said "Idk where you get your ideas from. You come up with so mch bullshit in yout head." Anyway to end it short he tried to console me and said he loves me and doesn't want me to cry but this was after 3 hours of me crying and begging him to understand my side and him either flipping the table on me or sarcastically saying "yeah, I'M at fault. I'M always the bad guy. Alright."
He smoked a cigarrette, despite swearing he quit as was discussed before we got married. I got upset. He tried to flip it all on me. He blamed me for my reaction to *his* action.
Before we got married, we went through this in detail. I told him: even one puff, I’d consider it smoking, and my condition for marriage was that he wouldn’t have even one puff. He was to remove smoking from his life completely, and I made sure I was meticulous about my expectations because I cannot live with a smoker. He had the option to either leave or quit. He agreed to quit. He signed off on it.
Then pne day, I noticed his mouth smelled like smoke. I said, “You smell like smoke.” He said, “Oh yeah, probably because the guys were smoking next to me.” I said, “No, but your mouth smells like smoke.” And then, so casually, he said, “Probably because of the puff I took.”
I shot upright. “Are you serious?” He laughed. Said yeah. Then asked me why I was so shocked, why I was reacting like that.
I was in shock. My heart sped up immediately, I started shaking, and I was heartbroken. He asked why I was making such a big deal out of it. I reminded him, my condition for marriage was that he would never turn back to smoking. Not even a puff. Not even holding one. He agreed. I reiterated it. I told him exactly what I meant and what my expectations were. He agreed.
And now he broke it, and turned it around on me. He said I was overreacting. He said, “What, are you trying to control me? Am I being controlled by your actions? You can’t tell me what to do.” I told him I wasn’t controlling him or telling him what to do. We had an agreement, and he agreed to it. Nobody forced him.
Then he yelled at me: “So what? Is the whole world over? You’re overreacting. It doesn’t need this much. It was just a puff, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t turn back to smoking, you’re overdoing it.” Basically gaslighting me. Which broke my heart even more. He couldn’t even own up to his obvious mistake. He is not a man of his word. He’s a guilt tripper, a manipulator, a liar. I don’t even know if I believe it was really just one puff.
He’s selfish. He can’t take any accountability. Any responsibility for his actions. He only sees himself. All he does is invalidate my emotions and experiences, always telling me I’m overdoing it, that I’m too much.
He tried to make me delete this too when i wrote it in my notes app.
I don't want kids and he does, so we agreed to wait 2 years before making a decision to conceive. During this time, I am so scared of getting pregnant, but he always jokes about me becoming pregnant. I tell him to stop but he doesn't. Anyway, that's not the main issue. Anyway when we were discussing pregnancy one day I had mentioned that before we try to conceive we both need to work on our health for at least a year beforehand. Including him, because his health directly affects sperm quality which directly affects my pregancy symptoms and the baby. Not only was he not convinced, but he refused to do research about it and said that "everyone I know eats whatever they want, smokes, and drinks and their wives and kids are perfectly fine." I replied "but you don't know what. Not everybody is telling you exactly what is happening behind closed doors. You might think someone looks fine but internally they may have a wide array of issues." and to that he replied "you can't control what i eat or what I want to do. get these ideas out of your head." and this is a recurring conversation, and each time he gets so angry at the mere thought of me suggesting he follow a particular plan before conceiving.
Speaking about control... he is so VERY controlling to ME, not the other way around. I am a hijabi, so I already cover up a lot by CHOICE. However, he drives me crazy by the little things he picks on and the 'rules' he has. If a singular, miniscule, practically invisible ONE strand of hair is poking out, he pesters me to cover it. literally cutting me off mid conversation or whatever I am doing and telling me to cover my hair. He loves to recite a FALSEEE narration saying that if a woman so much as shows just ONE strand of hair to the public, she will be cast into hell and is considered a disbeliever. Like oof, why so dramatic? Anyway, it's a proven false narration there is nothing true about it and because I am educated I KNOW that and it isn't affecting me TOO much. But what IS affecting me is how comfortable it is for him and how confident he is and how much he believes this to be true. He believes so much of this stuff tp be true and is a real misogynist, truly. He is always pestering me to cover my hair even when it is not showing, if even a millimeter of neck shows he gets angry and antsy and tells me to cover it. it is more important to him than anything. he tells me if i wear perfume then I am an adultress. wtf?? and he doesn't allow me to wear makeup, even if it is the simplest, lightest, everyday makeup. He actually once told me to "go out of your way and make yourself look ugly as possible. You're not allowed to look good outside of the house." when we were getting dressed to go to a wedding. And yet when we are at home, he does not go out of his way to make me feel pretty or anything. If I wear makeup in the house he unecessarily 'warns' me not to go out like that, it is forbidden, etc and i tell him i'm not going anywhere it is just in the house he gets mad and says "there is no need to talk back, just say 'okay' and that's it.". I put on perfume when I was spending the day with him at home. When he saw me spraying he yelled STOP! STOP! I said why? I am at home. He said "The smell will cling on to you and when you go out tomorrow you might still smell like perfume and somebody might smell you." God. I am rolling my eyes just remembering but honestly in the moment these little nitpicks are so exhausting. He demands to have my live location and observes me all the time. Despite having my live location, and even set up to recieve a notification when i leave and arrive at the house and when i leave/arrive at my parents house, he still gets mad if i see my parents without informing him, makes a huge deal, gets mad gives me lectures about how he has to know and i have to send him a message beforehand or call him if I want to see my parents. If I ever want to make plans with friends, I have to inform him way ahead of time and get his explicit approval before I even think of confirming plans with anyone. If i ever break any of his rules he gets mad and yells, or gives me silent treatment and stonewalls for days. If a guy greets me on the outside from afar, whether it be a coworker or a cousin or whatever, he loses his shit. I'm talking about someone literally metres away from me briefly waving and saying "Hi, how are you?" And continuing on their way. Once it happened and he started searching for the guy saying things like 'i'm going to destroy his world' and i was so terrified i went to the bathroom to hide and cried in the cubicle and he called me and was angrily trying to get me to come out saying things like "don't make me come in there and break everything here" etc. I could go ON and on with stories but I wont. But i feel so so suffocated by him. I literally have this screamm building up in me i am going to explode i can't deal.
He watches naked girls on instagram and the reels from his friends are all girls... and when i ask him about it he lies, gaslights, tells me he doesn't watch when it is literally in his watch history and then when i show him the evidence he makes up different stupid excuses like "I was curious I wanted to see what the page was" and he said he will tell his friends to stop sending but he didnt and when i asked him about it again he said "oh theres no point in telling them to stop sending." and when he liked a girls nakd post i called him out on it and he said it was an accident which i believed so he went to unlike the picture and then in front of me opened her profile and began to SCROLLL through her posts and i said wtf???? why are you opening her profile and again he said he was just curious and i said curious?? what ?? about what?? what is there to be curious about???? and he said "i wanted to see if she only had the one post or many more" and i was so confused and said "what purpose would that serve you? there is no need" and then he snaps at me and says "i'm not cheating! i'm literally just looking and it's right in front of you what could possibly be happening omg!!"
That reminds me of if I am ever within vicinity of a man or boy he gets all stressed out and tells me to move or tries to get me as far away as possible. Once he got pissed and mad at me for standing in a queue 3 metres BEHIND a man. a man who wasn;t even looking at me. my husband claimed i liked to be close to guys and i don't care about respecting him and keeping away. wtf? also once i was at a check out and i was buying my prescription glasses and the cashier was just checking something for me on the glasses and handing them back so he had held them from one end and giving it to me and i took it from the other end and my husband got mad and jealous saying my finger was too close to his finger, we were almost touching (we weren't) and i am so reckless and i don't think i don't pay attention etc.
yet whenever we go out he bumps into women, stands right next to them shoulder to shoulder, or sits in a seat right next to them and when i ask him to please swap with me he says oh i didn't even notice her. she isn't attractive anyway why do you think i would cheat on you with her and i tell him i never commented on cheating or attractiveness but just how you are uncomfortable with me being too close to a man i wouldn't really like you brushing shoulders with a woman when there is an alternative and plenty of space to stand beside me instead of her. He scoffed and said it doesn't matter she isn't even attractive i'm not thinking of doing anything to her. I said "would you accept that response from me?" and obv he wouldn't and got angry that i even suggested it.
He also consistently jokes about having women chasing after him, having another wife, the two of us not actually being married and that he wants to be married for real.
he's wracked up a lot of debt approx. $45,000 and reposts posts on insta saying a good woman is defined by.../ gives her husband her gold and money to get him out of debt and so that he can relax etc. i am already going 50/50 with him, giving him half of my paycheck for rent, food, bills, etc. but everything he posts and reposts indicates he has his eyes on my gold and my savings.
**9 July, 00:03**
He spends his nights wanting me to serve him, whether it's food, sex, or household tasks, expecting me to be at his beck and call. When I ask for help, there's always an excuse. It makes me so frustrated I want to break something, and I'm not usually an angry person.
He woke me to make him food because he was too hungry to sleep, so I did, then cleaned up his crumbs. When I went to the bathroom afterward and couldn't reach the bidet, I called him to bring it to me. He said, "Are you really going to make me get out of bed when I'm covered up and warm just to give you the bidet? No. Get it yourself." I begged. He didn't come. When he heard me crying, he said, "Are you seriously crying now because I didn't get up? You cry over everything." I sat there exhausted while he fell back asleep. I felt so alone.
**00:54**
He woke up again and yelled asking what I was doing. When I explained I had no toilet paper, he came in furious: "Are you in your right mind? Is this you being stubborn, or stupid? What would you have done if I wasn't home?" He lectured me in the doorway, swearing, before eventually handing me what I needed, not nicely.
**17:07**
I'd stayed up that night talking to a friend to calm myself down, specifically so I wouldn't come to bed upset and trigger him start a fight, because he can't handle it when I'm upset about something he did and ALWAYS fights me when he sees i am upset. It didn't matter. He was still angry when I came in, and we argued for over an hour instead of him just saying it's okay, come to bed.
Later that day I ran into him at the shopping centre while out with a friend. I waved him over, said goodbye to my friend, just a few seconds, and turned back to find he'd already walked off. He told me I'd "humiliated" him and wouldn't stand for it. He was cold to me the rest of the day.
**23:41**
I came home from my parents' house to find him ignoring me, telling me to get off him and leave him alone. Then said "Do you need someone to escort you home? Why are you home so late? Since when do your parents stay up that late?" It was 11pm. This brought me to tears. I told him I've barely seen my parents since we got married and it's been hurting them. He kept insisting I was in the wrong, for visiting my own parents.
**22:02, 11 July**
He went out with friends, came home, ate, was dry with me. We ended up being intimate in a way that he KNOWS i despise and affects my mental health. I always feel so depressed afterwards. it hurts too, and while I was still showering, he left the house. I asked him not to go, then asked him not to be long. He said that was impossible.
**02:00, 12 July**
Still not home. Five hours out at night. I'm lonely.
**06:45, 13 July**
Saying goodbye before work, still half in bed, he pulled me out of the hug because my neck was "showing too much." I told him it wasn't, that I could feel my hijab against my throat. He made me stand up, made me lift my chin, again, higher, then said "oh, okay." Nothing was wrong. This kind of thing just wears me down. Why is he so controlling over something like this.
**17:32, 15 July**
Mid-online-class, he got in the car and accused me of lying about my hijab being loose. "Don't lie to me, no lying." I had to look him in the eyes and repeat myself several times before he'd believe me. Then when I was waiting for help with my bags: "I don't understand your logic, you have no logic." I said, "I'm just a girl, I like to be taken care of." He said, "I'm not a mind reader." I found myself apologizing, sorry, my bad, it's fine, you're right, for wanting help with my bags.
**18:08**
Desperate to pee, but too scared to ask him to hurry out of the bathroom in case he snaps at me for it.
**19:14**
Mid-class, cat on my lap, and he asked me to get up and get him a pen and turn on the light, while he sat next to me doing nothing. Why is he so irritating.
**07:48, 17 July**
Driving to Sydney, my dad asked us to leave early, and he got furious, said it's why he hates people knowing his plans. Later, I made an offhand comment about a stranger and he thought I was joking about him. Once I clarified, he snapped, "I don't know what's wrong with you," in a tone that felt genuinely belittling.
**13:25**
He mentioned considering steroids. I advised against it.
**18:30, 26 July**
He initiated sex in a way that only he likes, then left to work on his car. Said he'd be in an area ten minutes away. Two hours later I checked and he was an hour away, past our city and into rural areas. When I called to check up, he yelled that he's "not a kid who has to report everything," and told me I'd ruined his whole mood. I ended the call crying, too drained to keep writing.
He said he wanted to spend the day with me since he was off work but i said oh i'm sorry baby but i have work today there's no chance i can get it off. he said can't you be sick? i said no, sorry, i really can't take a sick day because of \[specific obligation\] but otherwise i would have loved to spend the day with you.
He then went and I continued to get dressed and then he came back with a big knife. I was startled and said "What's that for...?" and he smiled and said "should i slice your arm open right now?" and i said "wtf why?" and he said "so then you'll actually be sick and forced not to go to work" at this point i was really scared but i tried to keep it light hearted and said "well that wont work because you'll spend the whole day in hospital with me" and he said "don't worry i know how to do it perfectly so that you wouldn't need hospital" scary.
he has this necklace with sentimental value that he always wears and always threatens me with that if i ever damage it he will make my life hell. he will destroy me, ruin me. it's whatever. but then he broke my sentimental gold bracelet and i got worried and while he was inspecting it i asked him to please give it to me and he didnt listen so i asked a few more times until he harshly scoffed and dropped it out of his hands to give it to me and then gave me silent treatment, angry glares, and got mad at me for crying. he said there is no reason to cry, my actions are unjustified and i am behaving poorly. and i said wdym, why are you expecting me not to be upset when you always threaten me if something happens to your necklace. why am i the only one not allowed to be upset? what would you do if this was your necklace instead of my bracelet?
"I would destroy you"
"So why can't i be mad? don't i have the right to 'destroy' as well, if that's what you do?"
he said, as he always says to me in many different scenarios, "you can't do shit. you know you can't do anything. only me" consistently belittling me and instilling a sense of complete helplessness and loss of autonomy.
He is still mad at me because i cried that he broke my bracelet,\]. He fixed it, but he reckons i should not be upset or i shouldn't have cried because it was fixable. but i wasnt crying because it wasn't fixable. i was crying because of how he was treating me, all angry etc instead of simply saying don't worry darling, it's an easy fix. its okay.
anyway, so much more has happened but if i tried to write it all i would be here for days and i don't think anyway can read this if i make it any longer. So i'll stop here. these are some recent things and i just want a second opinion and some advice because i feel like i am absolutely losing my mind and going crazyyyy!
TLDR; married 8 months to a 23M i've known for 2.5 years and i think i might be experiencing emotional abuse but it's so subtle i can't always tell if i'm crazy or if it's real. basically every fight follows the same pattern, he does something wrong or overreacts to nothing, i react normally, and somehow by the end of it i'm the one who ruined everything and made him feel like he's walking on eggshells. he broke his no smoking promise and turned it into me being controlling. he won't even consider doing anything for our health before ttc and gets mad when i bring it up. he's insanely controlling over what i wear, my hijab, makeup, perfume, and constantly needs my location and approval before i see friends or even my own parents, but then watches other girls on ig, lies about it, gets caught, and still does it again. he loses it if a man even waves at me from across a room but gets to stand shoulder to shoulder with women and calls me crazy for asking him to move. he's $45k in debt and keeps reposting stuff about wives handing over their gold. there was a morning he picked up a knife and asked if he should cut me so i'd have an excuse to miss work and laughed it off like a joke. he gives me silent treatment for days if i break one of his rules, and constantly tells me "you can't do shit, only me." i wrote out a bunch of journal entries too and reading them back they're honestly exhausting, it's just constant walking on eggshells, apologising for things that aren't my fault, and being made to feel crazy for having normal reactions. i just want to know if i'm actually losing it or if this is as bad as it feels.
Hello. I need advice. I honestly don't even know where to start... I will write what I can and hope something coherent comes out.
I think I a being emotionally abused. But it is so subtle sometimes, if you're not in it you wouldn't notice it. You wouldn't understand. I feel like I am going crazy.
I will write out a few situations/ behaviours I actually remember.
I am 23F, working fulltime and studying my Master's full time, and my husband is 23M. We have been married for just over 8 months now, but we have known each other for two years and seven months. There are good moments that are SO good, and then there are a lot of really BAD moments too. I have spent the majority of this relationship crying.
I know there were red flags during our courting period, but I was too attached and blinded by love to leave. I won't discuss any of the events that occurred before marriage because my husband has sworn he has changed and I want clarity on whether my trauma from our dating and engagement period is affecting how I view this marriage, or if it truly is as bad as I feel.
To him, I am always in the wrong. Yet he always says that I flip it and make him out to be in the wrong. An example: One night as we were in bed getting ready to sleep for the night, we were joking around with each other, laughing, and genuinely having a good moment. He asked me to pass him the pillows from the floor on my side of the bed. In that moment, I thought I had seen two of his pillows on his side, so I said "Aren't they on your side?" He said, "Give me the pillows, come on! They're with you." Me: "No, I could have sworn--" He cut me off. He started YELLING "Don't say no to me! Don't you ever say no to me! When I tell you to do something, you do it. Don't talk back to me ever!"
When he yelled, the volume hurt my ears, and I became frightened. I didn't understand how we were laughing one second and then he's yelling the next. I felt extremely vulnerable and anxious, and I did not want to set him off again. So I froze, I went quiet. I handed him the pillows which were on my side. He was right. I was wrong. However the situation did not warrant that type of reaction.
He then proceeded to get mad at me because my mood "flipped for no reason" and I went quiet. He was blaming me for being quiet and saying I'm the one who ruined the mood and you make me sick. So I said "no no I promise nothing happened" and I laughed and continued what we were joking about before he yelled at me and did things to try and make him laugh and carressed his face and kissed him. He was angry-faced the whole time. Called me a liar and to stop "acting". I told him I'm not lying I promise everything is okay. Then he mentioned when I got quiet and froze and said if I was really fine why did I do that to him and show him that I was so pissed off. He said that I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells around me and he can't live his life having to calculate his every move and word and tone of voice as to not trigger me. I said "but that's not what happened" and as I tried to explain to him that I was just startled by his sudden yelling mid-conversation, and that I only went quiet to avoid triggering HIM further and to keep the peace, i started crying because he just wasn't getting it. I was sobbing because he wasn't understanding me and he kept repeating that he didn't yell, didn't even do anything. That I am overdoing it and I am crying for no reason and I am giving him a headache and making his life hard. I went to sleep crying and he tried to 'console' me while still being angry. He was sitting up and mae me lay down. When I tried to sit up because I felt weird he wouldn't let me and said no you stay down and I said well I don't feel comfortable with you angrily towering over me and I am helplessly lying down. Then he scoffed and said "Idk where you get your ideas from. You come up with so mch bullshit in yout head." Anyway to end it short he tried to console me and said he loves me and doesn't want me to cry but this was after 3 hours of me crying and begging him to understand my side and him either flipping the table on me or sarcastically saying "yeah, I'M at fault. I'M always the bad guy. Alright."
He smoked a cigarrette, despite swearing he quit as was discussed before we got married. I got upset. He tried to flip it all on me. He blamed me for my reaction to his action.
Before we got married, we went through this in detail. I told him: even one puff, I’d consider it smoking, and my condition for marriage was that he wouldn’t have even one puff. He was to remove smoking from his life completely, and I made sure I was meticulous about my expectations because I cannot live with a smoker. He had the option to either leave or quit. He agreed to quit. He signed off on it.
Then pne day, I noticed his mouth smelled like smoke. I said, “You smell like smoke.” He said, “Oh yeah, probably because the guys were smoking next to me.” I said, “No, but your mouth smells like smoke.” And then, so casually, he said, “Probably because of the puff I took.”
I shot upright. “Are you serious?” He laughed. Said yeah. Then asked me why I was so shocked, why I was reacting like that.
I was in shock. My heart sped up immediately, I started shaking, and I was heartbroken. He asked why I was making such a big deal out of it. I reminded him, my condition for marriage was that he would never turn back to smoking. Not even a puff. Not even holding one. He agreed. I reiterated it. I told him exactly what I meant and what my expectations were. He agreed.
And now he broke it, and turned it around on me. He said I was overreacting. He said, “What, are you trying to control me? Am I being controlled by your actions? You can’t tell me what to do.” I told him I wasn’t controlling him or telling him what to do. We had an agreement, and he agreed to it. Nobody forced him.
Then he yelled at me: “So what? Is the whole world over? You’re overreacting. It doesn’t need this much. It was just a puff, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t turn back to smoking, you’re overdoing it.” Basically gaslighting me. Which broke my heart even more. He couldn’t even own up to his obvious mistake. He is not a man of his word. He’s a guilt tripper, a manipulator, a liar. I don’t even know if I believe it was really just one puff.
He’s selfish. He can’t take any accountability. Any responsibility for his actions. He only sees himself. All he does is invalidate my emotions and experiences, always telling me I’m overdoing it, that I’m too much.
He tried to make me delete this too when i wrote it in my notes app.
I don't want kids and he does, so we agreed to wait 2 years before making a decision to conceive. During this time, I am so scared of getting pregnant, but he always jokes about me becoming pregnant. I tell him to stop but he doesn't. Anyway, that's not the main issue. Anyway when we were discussing pregnancy one day I had mentioned that before we try to conceive we both need to work on our health for at least a year beforehand. Including him, because his health directly affects sperm quality which directly affects my pregancy symptoms and the baby. Not only was he not convinced, but he refused to do research about it and said that "everyone I know eats whatever they want, smokes, and drinks and their wives and kids are perfectly fine." I replied "but you don't know what. Not everybody is telling you exactly what is happening behind closed doors. You might think someone looks fine but internally they may have a wide array of issues." and to that he replied "you can't control what i eat or what I want to do. get these ideas out of your head." and this is a recurring conversation, and each time he gets so angry at the mere thought of me suggesting he follow a particular plan before conceiving.
Speaking about control... he is so VERY controlling to ME, not the other way around. I am a hijabi, so I already cover up a lot by CHOICE. However, he drives me crazy by the little things he picks on and the 'rules' he has. If a singular, miniscule, practically invisible ONE strand of hair is poking out, he pesters me to cover it. literally cutting me off mid conversation or whatever I am doing and telling me to cover my hair. He loves to recite a FALSEEE narration saying that if a woman so much as shows just ONE strand of hair to the public, she will be cast into hell and is considered a disbeliever. Like oof, why so dramatic? Anyway, it's a proven false narration there is nothing true about it and because I am educated I KNOW that and it isn't affecting me TOO much. But what IS affecting me is how comfortable it is for him and how confident he is and how much he believes this to be true. He believes so much of this stuff tp be true and is a real misogynist, truly. He is always pestering me to cover my hair even when it is not showing, if even a millimeter of neck shows he gets angry and antsy and tells me to cover it. it is more important to him than anything. he tells me if i wear perfume then I am an adultress. wtf?? and he doesn't allow me to wear makeup, even if it is the simplest, lightest, everyday makeup. He actually once told me to "go out of your way and make yourself look ugly as possible. You're not allowed to look good outside of the house." when we were getting dressed to go to a wedding. And yet when we are at home, he does not go out of his way to make me feel pretty or anything. If I wear makeup in the house he unecessarily 'warns' me not to go out like that, it is forbidden, etc and i tell him i'm not going anywhere it is just in the house he gets mad and says "there is no need to talk back, just say 'okay' and that's it.". I put on perfume when I was spending the day with him at home. When he saw me spraying he yelled STOP! STOP! I said why? I am at home. He said "The smell will cling on to you and when you go out tomorrow you might still smell like perfume and somebody might smell you." God. I am rolling my eyes just remembering but honestly in the moment these little nitpicks are so exhausting. He demands to have my live location and observes me all the time. Despite having my live location, and even set up to recieve a notification when i leave and arrive at the house and when i leave/arrive at my parents house, he still gets mad if i see my parents without informing him, makes a huge deal, gets mad gives me lectures about how he has to know and i have to send him a message beforehand or call him if I want to see my parents. If I ever want to make plans with friends, I have to inform him way ahead of time and get his explicit approval before I even think of confirming plans with anyone. If i ever break any of his rules he gets mad and yells, or gives me silent treatment and stonewalls for days. If a guy greets me on the outside from afar, whether it be a coworker or a cousin or whatever, he loses his shit. I'm talking about someone literally metres away from me briefly waving and saying "Hi, how are you?" And continuing on their way. Once it happened and he started searching for the guy saying things like 'i'm going to destroy his world' and i was so terrified i went to the bathroom to hide and cried in the cubicle and he called me and was angrily trying to get me to come out saying things like "don't make me come in there and break everything here" etc. I could go ON and on with stories but I wont. But i feel so so suffocated by him. I literally have this screamm building up in me i am going to explode i can't deal.
He watches naked girls on instagram and the reels from his friends are all girls... and when i ask him about it he lies, gaslights, tells me he doesn't watch when it is literally in his watch history and then when i show him the evidence he makes up different stupid excuses like "I was curious I wanted to see what the page was" and he said he will tell his friends to stop sending but he didnt and when i asked him about it again he said "oh theres no point in telling them to stop sending." and when he liked a girls nakd post i called him out on it and he said it was an accident which i believed so he went to unlike the picture and then in front of me opened her profile and began to SCROLLL through her posts and i said wtf???? why are you opening her profile and again he said he was just curious and i said curious?? what ?? about what?? what is there to be curious about???? and he said "i wanted to see if she only had the one post or many more" and i was so confused and said "what purpose would that serve you? there is no need" and then he snaps at me and says "i'm not cheating! i'm literally just looking and it's right in front of you what could possibly be happening omg!!"
That reminds me of if I am ever within vicinity of a man or boy he gets all stressed out and tells me to move or tries to get me as far away as possible. Once he got pissed and mad at me for standing in a queue 3 metres BEHIND a man. a man who wasn;t even looking at me. my husband claimed i liked to be close to guys and i don't care about respecting him and keeping away. wtf? also once i was at a check out and i was buying my prescription glasses and the cashier was just checking something for me on the glasses and handing them back so he had held them from one end and giving it to me and i took it from the other end and my husband got mad and jealous saying my finger was too close to his finger, we were almost touching (we weren't) and i am so reckless and i don't think i don't pay attention etc.
yet whenever we go out he bumps into women, stands right next to them shoulder to shoulder, or sits in a seat right next to them and when i ask him to please swap with me he says oh i didn't even notice her. she isn't attractive anyway why do you think i would cheat on you with her and i tell him i never commented on cheating or attractiveness but just how you are uncomfortable with me being too close to a man i wouldn't really like you brushing shoulders with a woman when there is an alternative and plenty of space to stand beside me instead of her. He scoffed and said it doesn't matter she isn't even attractive i'm not thinking of doing anything to her. I said "would you accept that response from me?" and obv he wouldn't and got angry that i even suggested it.
He also consistently jokes about having women chasing after him, having another wife, the two of us not actually being married and that he wants to be married for real.
he's wracked up a lot of debt approx. $45,000 and reposts posts on insta saying a good woman is defined by.../ gives her husband her gold and money to get him out of debt and so that he can relax etc. i am already going 50/50 with him, giving him half of my paycheck for rent, food, bills, etc. but everything he posts and reposts indicates he has his eyes on my gold and my savings.
9 July, 00:03
He spends his nights wanting me to serve him, whether it's food, sex, or household tasks, expecting me to be at his beck and call. When I ask for help, there's always an excuse. It makes me so frustrated I want to break something, and I'm not usually an angry person.
He woke me to make him food because he was too hungry to sleep, so I did, then cleaned up his crumbs. When I went to the bathroom afterward and couldn't reach the bidet, I called him to bring it to me. He said, "Are you really going to make me get out of bed when I'm covered up and warm just to give you the bidet? No. Get it yourself." I begged. He didn't come. When he heard me crying, he said, "Are you seriously crying now because I didn't get up? You cry over everything." I sat there exhausted while he fell back asleep. I felt so alone.
00:54
He woke up again and yelled asking what I was doing. When I explained I had no toilet paper, he came in furious: "Are you in your right mind? Is this you being stubborn, or stupid? What would you have done if I wasn't home?" He lectured me in the doorway, swearing, before eventually handing me what I needed, not nicely.
17:07
I'd stayed up that night talking to a friend to calm myself down, specifically so I wouldn't come to bed upset and trigger him start a fight, because he can't handle it when I'm upset about something he did and ALWAYS fights me when he sees i am upset. It didn't matter. He was still angry when I came in, and we argued for over an hour instead of him just saying it's okay, come to bed.
Later that day I ran into him at the shopping centre while out with a friend. I waved him over, said goodbye to my friend, just a few seconds, and turned back to find he'd already walked off. He told me I'd "humiliated" him and wouldn't stand for it. He was cold to me the rest of the day.
23:41
I came home from my parents' house to find him ignoring me, telling me to get off him and leave him alone. Then said "Do you need someone to escort you home? Why are you home so late? Since when do your parents stay up that late?" It was 11pm. This brought me to tears. I told him I've barely seen my parents since we got married and it's been hurting them. He kept insisting I was in the wrong, for visiting my own parents.
22:02, 11 July
He went out with friends, came home, ate, was dry with me. We ended up being intimate in a way that he KNOWS i despise and affects my mental health. I always feel so depressed afterwards. it hurts too, and while I was still showering, he left the house. I asked him not to go, then asked him not to be long. He said that was impossible.
02:00, 12 July
Still not home. Five hours out at night. I'm lonely.
06:45, 13 July
Saying goodbye before work, still half in bed, he pulled me out of the hug because my neck was "showing too much." I told him it wasn't, that I could feel my hijab against my throat. He made me stand up, made me lift my chin, again, higher, then said "oh, okay." Nothing was wrong. This kind of thing just wears me down. Why is he so controlling over something like this.
17:32, 15 July
Mid-online-class, he got in the car and accused me of lying about my hijab being loose. "Don't lie to me, no lying." I had to look him in the eyes and repeat myself several times before he'd believe me. Then when I was waiting for help with my bags: "I don't understand your logic, you have no logic." I said, "I'm just a girl, I like to be taken care of." He said, "I'm not a mind reader." I found myself apologizing, sorry, my bad, it's fine, you're right, for wanting help with my bags.
18:08
Desperate to pee, but too scared to ask him to hurry out of the bathroom in case he snaps at me for it.
19:14
Mid-class, cat on my lap, and he asked me to get up and get him a pen and turn on the light, while he sat next to me doing nothing. Why is he so irritating.
07:48, 17 July
Driving to Sydney, my dad asked us to leave early, and he got furious, said it's why he hates people knowing his plans. Later, I made an offhand comment about a stranger and he thought I was joking about him. Once I clarified, he snapped, "I don't know what's wrong with you," in a tone that felt genuinely belittling.
13:25
He mentioned considering steroids. I advised against it.
18:30, 26 July
He initiated sex in a way that only he likes, then left to work on his car. Said he'd be in an area ten minutes away. Two hours later I checked and he was an hour away, past our city and into rural areas. When I called to check up, he yelled that he's "not a kid who has to report everything," and told me I'd ruined his whole mood. I ended the call crying, too drained to keep writing.
He said he wanted to spend the day with me since he was off work but i said oh i'm sorry baby but i have work today there's no chance i can get it off. he said can't you be sick? i said no, sorry, i really can't take a sick day because of [specific obligation] but otherwise i would have loved to spend the day with you.
He then went and I continued to get dressed and then he came back with a big knife. I was startled and said "What's that for...?" and he smiled and said "should i slice your arm open right now?" and i said "wtf why?" and he said "so then you'll actually be sick and forced not to go to work" at this point i was really scared but i tried to keep it light hearted and said "well that wont work because you'll spend the whole day in hospital with me" and he said "don't worry i know how to do it perfectly so that you wouldn't need hospital" scary.
9.
he has this necklace with sentimental value that he always wears and always threatens me with that if i ever damage it he will make my life hell. he will destroy me, ruin me. it's whatever. but then he broke my sentimental gold bracelet and i got worried and while he was inspecting it i asked him to please give it to me and he didnt listen so i asked a few more times until he harshly scoffed and dropped it out of his hands to give it to me and then gave me silent treatment, angry glares, and got mad at me for crying. he said there is no reason to cry, my actions are unjustified and i am behaving poorly. and i said wdym, why are you expecting me not to be upset when you always threaten me if something happens to your necklace. why am i the only one not allowed to be upset? what would you do if this was your necklace instead of my bracelet?
"I would destroy you"
"So why can't i be mad? don't i have the right to 'destroy' as well, if that's what you do?"
he said, as he always says to me in many different scenarios, "you can't do shit. you know you can't do anything. only me" consistently belittling me and instilling a sense of complete helplessness and loss of autonomy.
He is still mad at me because i cried that he broke my bracelet,]. He fixed it, but he reckons i should not be upset or i shouldn't have cried because it was fixable. but i wasnt crying because it wasn't fixable. i was crying because of how he was treating me, all angry etc instead of simply saying don't worry darling, it's an easy fix. its okay.
anyway, so much more has happened but if i tried to write it all i would be here for days and i don't think anyway can read this if i make it any longer. So i'll stop here. these are some recent things and i just want a second opinion and some advice because i feel like i am absolutely losing my mind and going crazyyyy!