r/MuslimMarriage

Throw away account so my in laws doesn’t find me. I 24F have been married for almost a year to my husband 30M.

We met through our parents and hit it off instantly. He’s a very religious guy now but during his early 20s he was not and claims that before he met me he had a religious awakening. I knew when we met that he had a past with multiple girls and dated a lot in college and even admitted to cheating on a few girls he was in relationships with. But I looked past this because he was know to be very religious in the community and everyone only had good things to say about him.

Our engagement and marriage period has been very basic just the normal newly weds life everything was easy and simple during the process of us getting married and nothing really went wrong he never showed me signs he was unhappy or bored.

The other day I was doing his laundry after he came home from his business trip to New York (relevant I’m mentioning where it was) and I noticed that his pants kept making a noise in the washing machine so I stopped the washer to see if something got stuck and I found a hijab magnet in his pants. I would like to point out I do not wear hijab and the hijabs that I do own I don’t have magnets for them. I have never purchased magnets before in my life and no one in my family either since non of my sisters wear hijab and my mom uses hijabs that do not require pins or magnets.

After further inspection the magnets looked extremely used and worn down. I decided to ask him where they came from and he immediately got defensive and flipped out saying what am I doing going through his stuff and what am I trying to accuse him of. I explained to him it stuck to the side of the washing machine while I was doing his laundry and I heard the noise. He said it was probably mine and I forgot I purchases it but that literally cannot be the case because the magnets said VEILED on them and I have never personally purchased from their website.

I ignored it and decided to bring it up again yesterday at dinner. He was being nice and not defensive this time saying he went to the store that VEILED has opened up in New York and wanted to surprise me with hijabs and magnets to inspire me to wear hijab. I believed him for a minute then I asked where the hijabs were and he said that I have to wait since I ruined the surprise. After thinking about it for a while I thought why would he have only one magnet in his pocket and not two if he bought them new. I also remembered I have access to his credit card on my phone and when I opened it I saw a transaction that was still pending made from the VEILED online store that was made 20 minutes after that conversation.

Nothing he’s ever said or done has ever lead me to believe he ever cheated but something about this magnet and his reaction to everything is rubbing me the wrong way. Also how he lied about buying me hijabs and then placing an order a few moments later.

Can someone tell me what to do?

It's been 6 months since I got married. It was arrange marriage. I never got love from my father , he was away from us. So i sew my father in law as my own father. But yesterday I was alone with neighbors kid . He always brought alcohol and drink out side of house but yesterday he drunk in front of me I felt uncomfortable . After that he ate and sleep in hall whare they sleep all the time . After some time his bottom wear fell off. I felt vary uncomfortable. I asked neighbor kid to cover with blanket which I felt guilty for telling her. She is just 10 years old . I called my mother in law who is away from home about this she said it's ok he is like ur own father. Idkw I'm not able tell my husband about this I cried in front of him but not able to share . I'm feeling very uncomfortable facing him . What do I do ??

I feel like I’m losing attraction and emotional connection to my husband because his presence increasingly feels like another responsibility instead of companionship. I fantasize about being single. Sometimes when he sleeps in or isn’t around, I notice that my life actually feels calmer and easier. His presence irritates me, I don’t find him attractive anymore, and I often don’t even want to respond when he talks to me unless I have to.

I understand that he pays all the bills and financially provides for our family. I’m not expecting a 50/50 relationship when it comes to housework and childcare. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I accept that I’m going to do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and everyday childcare. I’m not even asking him to routinely make bottles, do laundry, or take over my responsibilities. What bothers me is his lack of basic consideration, compassion, initiative, and emotional maturity.

For example, I recently came home late with both kids while carrying my purse, bags, milk, water bottles, and probably around 30 pounds of stuff. He was upstairs lying in bed and didn’t even come downstairs to greet us, open the door, take our four-year-old, or carry something upstairs. When I asked why he didn’t open the door, he just said, “You have a key.”
Then I was rushing around at midnight getting both kids settled—washing them, brushing their teeth, changing them, getting their milk and bottles ready—while he sat there repeatedly telling me he wanted hummus even though it was already made and sitting in the refrigerator. Moments like that make me feel like I’m his butler rather than his wife. He doesn’t just fail to make my workload easier; sometimes he actively adds to it while watching me struggle.

This resentment goes much further back than our current life with two children. When I was pregnant and extremely nauseous, there were mornings when I physically couldn’t make his breakfast and evenings when I couldn’t make the sautéed dinners he wanted. He refused to compromise on what he wanted to eat. Laundry would sometimes pile up because I was sick. Instead of having compassion for me, he would say, “What kind of wife are you?”
While I was pregnant, he bought me a roughly $400 skincare face mask, which initially felt like something kind he had done for me. But he quickly started using it against me by making comments like, “Does it wash dishes? Does it do laundry? Does it make the bills cheaper?” That hurt because I was already cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking care of him constantly. I remember telling him that I did everything for him and that buying something thoughtful for me should be part of him taking care of me too. I didn’t want a gift to become another debt I supposedly owed him.

There were also comments about my body that affected me enormously when we were young. We got married around 21–22, and while I was pregnant with my first kid he would talk about how pregnancy “ruins” women’s bodies. He even used his own mother’s stretch marks from pregnancy as an example. I was extremely young, I liked my body, and hearing my husband talk that way while I was pregnant sent me into panic mode. Instead of being able to experience pregnancy without obsessing about whether my body would be “ruined,” I spent essentially nine months terrified about what pregnancy was going to do to me.

He also made comments about childbirth and my vagina. He said that if I gave birth, it should be through a C-section because he didn’t want me to become “loose,” and he talked about some kind of metal device that supposedly existed to make vaginas tighter. On our wedding night, he also told me that my breasts were saggy. Those comments stayed with me because they came from my husband during some of the most vulnerable periods of my life.
I believe some of his distorted expectations about women and women’s bodies came from the pornography he had been heavily exposed to before our marriage. I also recognize that he was only around 21 at the time. I can understand that a 21-year-old can be immature and have ridiculous ideas. But we are 26 now, and I feel like I have been waiting for him to mature for years. At some point, being young stops explaining everything. He also did not really ask about our first child much while we were living in different countries and I excused it as “he’s not attached because he hasn’t seen our son irl.”

My postpartum experience the second time around (while we are together in the same country) added even more resentment. When I was recovering from giving birth and staying at my parents’ house, he visited me only twice in roughly six weeks. He barely contacted me. He didn’t regularly text to see how I was doing or ask about our baby. Yet he would call me to ask about his lunch or ask me how to start the laundry.

He also told me, “You’re not on birth control? Stay longer because what’s the point?” That was incredibly hurtful. I had just given birth to his child and was recovering postpartum, and it made me feel as though there was little point in having me home if sex wasn’t available.
All of these things have accumulated. It isn’t one incident, one rude comment, or the fact that he doesn’t do enough chores. I feel like there has been a repeated lack of tenderness toward me during times when I was especially vulnerable—our wedding night, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, sickness, and now motherhood.
What I wanted was never necessarily for him to take over my role. I wanted to feel cared for within our marriage. I wanted him to notice when I was sick and tell me to rest. I wanted him to appreciate everything I did instead of questioning “what kind of wife” I was when I physically couldn’t do it. I wanted pregnancy to be a time when my husband reassured me about my changing body rather than making me terrified that motherhood would ruin it. I wanted him to care about me postpartum, check on his baby, visit us, and miss us. And now I want him to see me walking through the door overloaded with his children and our things and instinctively get up and help.

I’m okay with taking care of my husband. I’m not okay with feeling like my value as his wife is determined by how well I serve him. I want to feel like he takes care of me too—not necessarily by doing half the chores, but through compassion, consideration, affection, appreciation, emotional presence, and basic acts of kindness.
Instead, I increasingly feel like I’m constantly catering to an emotionally absent and immature adult. I feel useful rather than cherished. I feel like I have spent years waiting for him to grow up, and I’m exhausted.

That exhaustion has now turned into serious resentment and emotional detachment. I fantasize about being single. I don’t find him attractive. I don’t enjoy talking to him. Sometimes I ignore him because I simply don’t want to engage. And one of the most upsetting realizations is that sometimes when he isn’t around or is asleep, I feel relieved.
I don’t need him to do everything for me. I need him to act like my husband. I want him to notice me, care about how I’m doing, greet his family, get up when I’m obviously struggling, appreciate what I contribute, and stop treating taking care of him as the measure of whether I’m a good wife.

I feel like I have spent years taking care of him, and I’m exhausted from wondering when I’m finally going to feel taken care of too.

I’m not asking my wife to cut off her parents or siblings. I understand maintaining family ties is important. My concern is that when she gets deeply involved in their problems and family politics, it affects her emotionally and eventually affects our marriage.
Her family has also made comments about my caste, income, lifestyle, etc. Her older sister has caused repeated problems between us. Eventually, my wife herself decided to block her sister after realizing how negatively the relationship was affecting our marriage. I did not force her to do it. I have actually told her that she could maintain basic salam/dua and polite contact without getting involved in her life or sharing our personal matters.
With her other siblings, I only want her to maintain normal contact while avoiding family drama, arguments, and unnecessary involvement. There was a period when she did this, and our marriage was much more peaceful.
I also don’t want to stop her from visiting her parents, although I sometimes prefer shorter visits because prolonged involvement seems to bring the same issues back.
My questions:
Can I ask her not to get involved in family disputes/politics?
Can I object when relatives repeatedly interfere in our marriage?
Can I ask for basic/polite contact with a sibling who has repeatedly caused problems?
Where is the line between protecting the marriage and controlling her family relationships?

​I had a very firm conversation with my husband about boundaries. His relatives used to just show up at our house unannounced. I've spoken to him about this a few times before—regardless of their culture or family dynamics, they need to respect that he’s married now and can't just drop by without a heads-up. Since I wear a hijab, unexpected visitors make it incredibly difficult for me to relax in my own home. After asking nicely several times, I finally gave him an ultimatum: either he politely explains this to them, or I will step in and set them straight myself. Now, he's angry with me.