r/MuslimMarriage

I understand why the mehr exists and I support it, but in certain situations they should be obligated to give it back.

I found out the following about her:

- She had relationships with multiple men in the past, she previously mentioned just one but then admitted her bodycount was higher and although she's not admitted a number, based on what she's said and her actions I can assume it's pretty up there.

- Never used protection with other men and as a result had an abortion previously as well as contracting Herpes.

- Invited a man she barely knew from MuzzMatch to have sex at a hotel she was staying at with her family to "get over her ex".

- Kept sleeping with her ex for years knowing full well he was in a rishta or long term relationships the entire time.

- Has a severe spending problem and is constantly in debt.

- She had gone on holiday with a man she knew for 2-3 weeks because he was paying for it.

- She's sent nudes to every guy she has dated somewhat seriously, at this point there's probably 20 guys out there who have her nudes

- She has an ongoing weed addiction which blew up 1.5 months ago and caused all the issues that lead to divorce.

- She also admitted to doing multiple other drugs in the past including: whippets, cocaine, pills, lsd/ecstacy etc.

- She smokes cigarettes, vapes and even drinks alcohol when she goes out.

- Since I found out all of this, I said I think it's best we end things.

- Before I formally said talaq or had the conversation with her parents etc about initiating divorce I find out she went on a dating app and bought a premium membership to send likes to other men.

- She even stole my engagement ring from my car and admitted this over text.

I've kept this from her family to protect her reputation because I'm not that type of man but I feel like blowing everything up with them now. They have the audacity to say they're not returning anything and acting like they did nothing wrong. They raised an absolute mess of a girl and are claiming now that she's reading namaz for 3-4 days that she's a changed person.

I feel sick to my stomach. My parents gave about £15k in gifts and mehr and are in their 60s with health problems and these people are just happily keeping it with no shame. The mehr included a family heirloom necklace that was passed down for generations. I actually am so angry and feel so sick knowing they can just do this.

This family is just going to move onto the next family that falls for their charm and lies and take mehr from them as well and will again have no remorse. I'm so angry and so helpless. I feel like I've let my parents down even though I've not done anything wrong in this situation.

I**’**m from Saudi Arabia, and I recently read a discussion on another app that honestly surprised me.

A woman said that if she got married and went on a honeymoon, and her husband asked her to wear an abaya and niqab, she wouldn**’**t do it. She said she would wear normal clothes and show her hair instead. Most of the replies were supporting her, saying that “while traveling it should be normal” and that wearing modest clothing abroad could count as “libas al-shuhrah” (clothing of fame/attention).

That confused me, because I feel like a lot of people are using that term incorrectly. Modesty isn**’t only one specific piece of clothing, yes, but at the same time showing your hair isn’**t considered hijab either.

What I also don**’**t understand is the idea that someone changes their religious standards only because they traveled to another country. Allah exists everywhere, not only in our home countries.

I understand that some Muslims differ on niqab, and I understand some people find it difficult. But I don**’**t understand why some discussions make it sound like religious commitment should disappear the moment someone leaves their country.

I**’**m not trying to insult or attack anyone. I just genuinely want to hear respectful opinions from other Muslims, especially Muslims living in Western countries.

I am 28m married to 27f(my wife) for 11months. This is the first time I have seen her behave like this. I would like to clarify that we didn't have any prior probelms like finance, chores, infidelity or general arguments. I had a pretty bad disease which was there for last 5 days. Basically I have been at home for all 6 days. I had high fever (frequently peaking 103-4) which was recurrent and loose motions. I was taking antibiotics too so I was feeling really weak.

This incident happened from last Tuesday to Today. Both of us have hard jobs and I understand her pain too. After coming home at 6, she scrolled through her phone, arranged some items around house, watched TV, made something for dinner and went to sleep. She didn't even ask me if I was ok or needed some food. (I didn't feel hungry anyway). She didn't even say anything to me and avoided me all night. Next day I was feeling even more ill and still I had to go make my own breakfast in the morning. I didn't do much that day since it was the worst day. Wednesday I was feeling suffocated in my room so I decided to go out even though I was feeling extremely weak, I had to come back within about 10mins either way. I went to sleep, she was working from home. For lunch, I just made a simple request that can you make something extremely simple for me, as I don't think I can eat the normal meal, her response was "order it or call your mother, I have got better things to do, if you have energy to go out you have the energy to clean the floor too and laundry too I suppose". I don't even know why she behaves like that. She gives the impression that it's a burden when I am ill.

I feel extremely hurt and do not feel like to reconcile, probably because we are newly married and we don't have years of memory pulling me behind. So how to proceed? After Wednesday I have been feeling much better although progression is slow. What do I do? I don't know what am I supposed to ask, but literally what is all the things I need to keep in mind and do.

I am the guy. And I tried my best to make my parents understand. But they kept saying the same thing she is of a different race. Her parents are mostly ok. I can get married soon if I want. But my parents said they’ll sever connections with me. I know as a man you don’t need anyone’s permission. But will I be sinned if I put my parents in so much pain?

My fiancée and I are having a major disagreement about solo travel after marriage, and I genuinely don’t know if we’re incompatible or just overthinking.
I’m more conservative/religious, and she’s more liberal. I personally believe a married woman shouldn’t travel alone with friends for things like trips/concerts/etc, while she believes if I’m allowed to travel with friends, then she should have the same freedom with her girlfriends.
To be fair, Im thinking about telling her I’m actually willing to give up solo/friends trips myself if that’s what it takes for both of us to feel respected and secure in the relationship. So it’s not really about “rules for her but not for me.”
The bigger issue is that she feels controlled, while I feel like we have fundamentally different values around marriage, freedom, and boundaries.
We love each other a lot and were planning marriage soon, but now we both feel misunderstood and emotionally drained from these discussions.
For married people or people with experience:
Is this something couples can realistically work through?
Or is this the type of values mismatch that usually gets worse after marriage?

I think it's so stupid when people apologise for going through their spouse's phone, then finding something conspicuous.

Like bruh, he/she was getting cozy with someone outside of their marriage and you're apologizing about going through their phone? Are you stupid?

Your spouses SM, accounts, passwords, phone, laptop should be fair game.

You literally taste their throat and exchange body fluids.

It's like you can give them STD but not go through phone lol are y'all silly.. Stop this liberal nonsense.

Rant end.

Thank you!

Assalamu alaikum.

In short (pun intended) I'm 5’1, and definitely chubby. Soft belly that never goes flat, double chin in every photo no matter the angle :/. Most days I catch myself in the mirror and just think ugh, could be slimmer. Clothes feel tight, I’m pulling at my abaya wondering if my husband looks at me and feels turned off sometimes. He's 6ft2 and looks handsome masha Allah. Life is fine alhamdulillah, but yeah those insecure days hit hard.

He always pulls me out of it though. Like This morning I was grumbling about my round face again. He just hugged me from behind, put his chin on my shoulder and said, “This is what I love coming home to. Stop hiding yourself from me.” He tells me straight up that my soft parts make him feel comfortable, like home. Calls my belly his pillow (I tell him stop calling it a pillow! But secretly love it) and jokes the double chin means more to kiss. Sounds cheesy but he says it so casually like it’s normal. He doesn’t keep it private either. Last week at his family’s house when they were all going on about some cousin’s weight loss and how she over did it and became underweight (according to their standards which I hate), he put his hand on my leg and said “Nah I’m happy with my wife just like this, she’s perfect for me, I wouldn’t change her.” Right in front of everyone. I wanted to hide under the table from embarrassment because it was drama like cheesy lol, but it also made me feel so good!

Even when we’re intimate, he makes me feel so wanted. Like actually desired, even on the days I feel gross in my own skin. Him showing me he really likes me as I am and is constantly thinking of me and how I would look when he arrives home. He even asks me to send him pictures of me trying my outfits because he says he loves when I show myself to him in nice fits. He does random sweet stuff too like brings my favorite snack or flowers for no reason, leaves little notes like “Those earrings on you look stunning!” in my bag or under my pillow. Simple stuff but it gets me every time.

I’m not some perfect wife. I get moody and I slack on things, but he still treats me like I’m his prize. Makes me feel like a princess even when I don’t feel it. Sisters if you’re chubby or insecure about your body like me, just know not all guys are the same. Mine chose me and keeps choosing me every day. I’m really thankful to Allah for him.

Assalamualaikum, I want to start off by saying that I’m in a very difficult place and looking for any support I can get. I think what I need at this point is an outside perspective from you all. My heart isn’t agreeing to let this marriage go, but my in my mind I know it needs to eventually come to an end…..I’m hoping some outside input will help guide me , along with continuous prayer to Allah SWT to help me make the right choice.

I’m F 29 married 2.5 years to a man who is a hafiz. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs. My husband is a hafiz but he smokes weed continuously all day. He prays all his prayers, but smokes right before and after them. I myself am a “revert” of sorts who didn’t live an Islamic life, and I found my way back to the deen again a few years ago, let go of my haram lifestyle and wore hijab Alhamdulillah. I’m genuinely trying to do my best and get closer to Allah SWT. We had a semi arranged marriage, met through parents (sharing biodatas) and got along well when we spoke, and got married very quickly.

When we were getting ready to get married, he showed that he was ambitious and trying to have a good earning and would be hard working. His salary was less than half of mine (Alhamdulillah I make well over 6 figures) but I respected his character and him being a hafiz, so I overlooked the financial aspect. When we got married, he lost his job after a few months and was out of work for around 6 months. During that time I was managing the entire household (bills, food, rent, everything). He didn’t have his own car and we found out he didn’t have any savings, so my parents got him a car so he could use it to go to search for jobs in hopes of helping him get employed again. In that time he wasted a lot of time playing video games and saying he was applying to jobs, but I saw that he wasn’t putting a lot of effort into it. This whole time he was smoking weed. I’m ashamed to say he even got me started on the weed but I eventually retained the fear of Allah back in my heart Alhamdulillah and stopped for good.

He finally got a job but it’s still less than what is needed to help even do 50/50, and he says he is doing all he can. He wants me to pay for his gas to go to work and so such things because he cannot afford it…. When I tell him to try and apply for better opportunities he fights with me and gets abusive. He is so comfortable at a job where he cannot even fully support himself if we weren’t even together.

He also rubs my salary in my face ….. he continuously brings up me making 6 figures when I myself never talk about or allude to it at all. He constantly tells me I’m arrogant for my salary when I truly loathe working and would love to make $0 and stay at home if I had the option to. He also compares his job to mine and says he does a lot of hard work to earn his money while I don’t do anything at my job and am unfairly paid…. I am a project manager and oversee a large amount of scientific data and have a large team I manage. I never compare our jobs or say I do this or that….he is the one who compares and belittles me for my job and my pay.

When things are good we are like best friends, but he doesn’t want to listen to any input or feedback from me. He was abusive to me and put his hands on me multiple times, and I admit I have also been harsh with my tongue, but he hits me in my face and makes punching motions to me like he’s going to hit me. He calls me a horrible woman and says he spits on himself for marrying a woman like me. All I try to do is try to be a good wife and be pleasing to Allah SWT. I’ve also let go of my harsh words and have stopped fighting with him.

I tell him to try and stop the weed for the sake of Allah SWT and he says he may stop one day. He coughs all day everyday due to the weed and vape use and I just am getting fed up of it. For our anniversary or other events, he doesn’t make any effort, for example I told him I would love some flowers, and he didn’t bother with it. We had a good few months for the past few months but he recently punched and hit me again due to financial issues. He is having issues helping cover half the expenses and is telling me to pay since I’m making a large amount of money. I am getting tired of paying and drowning my savings and I think he should at least try to cover the bills and I have agreed to continue covering half the rent. I’ve changed myself a fair amount Alhamdulillah in this marriage and I’ve let go of a lot of dunya related things I used to take part in. I now mostly focus on my job, watching Islamic lectures and trying to get more knowledge of the deen. It seems like he is still on the same boat he was on, happy doing the bare minimum, expecting me to continue with covering more than half the base expenses and continuing with his smoking. I fear having children with him…. On one side I would love to have him teach them Quran as a hafiz but his bad habits scare me when I think of it rubbing off on my children.

He also passes out relatively often when we sit down together, he comes home, eats and will just dose off while he sits on the couch so we don’t spend much time quality time together. He says he’s working on bettering himself and wants me to be patient but him punching me continuously without any remorse, saying I’m a degraded woman and calling me all sorts of names, especially in months such as Dhul Hijjah and Ramadan make me think he will never change or have any realization.

He tells me he knows he’s lucky he got me, he would die for me and he values me. When things are good they are great, but when something doesn’t go his way or when his issues are brought up for a grown married adult discussion, everything goes south. He also acts as a hypocrite many times, he will call me the B word and if I say it back to him after losing all my patience’s he will come and slap me.

My parents have told me I’m wasting my time with him and I should leave while I’m young. I unfortunately have love for him in my heart as my husband and am finding it hard to make a decision. I also fear being alone for the rest of my life if I go through with a divorce. Alhamdulillah I take care of myself and used to be confident, but I now find myself questioning my worth and whether I’ll be able to have a family if I leave.

I am a successful woman, but due to my pre-revert lifestyle, I don’t have many Muslim sisters to talk to. I feel alone and confused and that is why I am coming here to get some of your feedback. Thank you in advance for your time and I apologize if this was all over the place as I have racing thoughts and bad ADHD. Jazakallah Khair

Salam,

My husband has completely relied on me financially for over 2 years now. We do not live together and the short period we did live together I paid for everything. He was financially independent before we married but there is a war in our home country where he used to work. He has fled to a different country while we work on getting him a visa to the US (where I am) and he is currently not able to work/get any income in the country he is in.

I am trying to be patient but there is no end in sight. I do not feel like a wife, he has never taken care of me financially or given me gifts. I know he cannot help the current circumstances but it’s hard to not feel resentful about taking care of someone for so long who has never taken care of me. I am not able to build any savings or do fun activities with my family and friends like I did before marriage.

I am very frustrated and have no one to talk to about it. I can’t talk to him because he is already ashamed and embarrassed about the situation. His family thinks he is working and I occasionally send him money to send to them. I can’t talk to my family and friends about the burden I feel because I am embarrassed about feeling this way. I know this is the path Allah has put me on and that finances are not everything but I was in good financial standing when we married but am now in a hole. It’s hard not to look at him as the cause of it. I know this is not a good way to think and that Allah is the sole provider but I can’t help feeling this way. I can ignore these feelings for a few months because he is generally a nice, respectful, and practicing man but they always come back.

I don’t know what I am looking for by posting this, I just wanted to get it out of my head. If any women have been in a similar situation I would really appreciate hearing from you. Thank you.

Would appreciate answers from men and women.

As-salamu alaykum everyone,
I’m looking for genuine Islamic advice and perspectives from people who may have gone through something similar.
My wife and I did our nikkah around a month ago alhamdulillah. Because of our studies, we probably won’t properly move in together for another year or so, and the actual wedding/rukhsati will happen later.
The issue is that my wife says she feels very nervous and mentally not ready for full intimacy yet. She is okay with things like hugs, holding hands, cuddling etc, but she feels that anything “in bed” should wait until after the wedding and when we officially live together.
I’m trying to be understanding because I know many Muslim women can feel shy or nervous, especially if they have no experience at all. I genuinely do not want to pressure her or make her uncomfortable. At the same time, Islamically we are husband and wife now, and I can’t lie that it’s becoming emotionally difficult for me because I do have desires and I was looking forward to building that closeness together in a halal way.
What confuses me is this:
if we wait another whole year, how does someone become “ready” without actually gradually experiencing intimacy together? I’m more than willing to go slowly, be patient, focus on her comfort, and fulfill her needs too — but right now it feels like we are not emotionally on the same page.
I guess I’m struggling to understand the balance between:
being patient and gentle with a nervous spouse

while also acknowledging that intimacy is part of marriage and both spouses have rights

Has anyone dealt with this after nikkah before moving in together? Especially in cultures where families still treat you like you’re only “engaged” until the wedding/rukhsati?
JazakAllah khair.

Next week is our first eid.

Looking for ideas on what to give her. Shes a very simple girl with no wish list.

She does like clothes but we just got married and she has many dresses which I got her.

I (28M) have been married to my wife (29F) for over 3 years. We met each other by coincidence and after a short period of talking, we got engaged and married about a year later. So it was a love marriage.

Ever since we got married, I noticed that my wife has never really wanted to spend time with my family. Despite my parents and sisters constantly trying to bond with her and regularly inviting her over, she almost always refuses. I’ve tried everything: talking to her about it numerous times, not pressuring her, including her in everything, etc., but nothing has helped.

Meanwhile, I visit her family almost every week, while she visits mine maybe once a month for an hour or so, usually while being on her phone the entire time as everyone tries to talk to her. Whenever I bring this up, she says that she doesn’t force me to visit her parents, so I shouldn’t force her to visit mine. She also says her family is “more fun,” which is why she sees them 2–3 times a week and rather spends time with them.

Needless to say, her family can come over whenever they want, but mine have to announce visits weeks in advance. She even gave her parents a key to our house when we went on vacation so they could check on things occasionally, without consulting me first. When I suggested doing the same with my parents for the next vacation, she completely flipped out stating it's not the same. For reference, we live about a 30-minute drive from both families.

Another issue is that I have a very strong bond with my friends, who are all married as well. We try to stay in contact and meet up once or twice a month. Ever since we got married, my wife has made this into a huge issue. She doesn’t want me meeting up with them, and every time I do, I come home to a huge argument over whatever reason she can come up with: not replying to her texts quickly enough, coming home too late, staying out too long, or even that the restaurant we went to had “too many women.”

When I ask her directly what her issue is with me seeing my friends, she always denies having a problem with it.
Sometimes I skip the meetups altogether and tell my friends to go without me just to avoid the drama. At this point, even they have started noticing the issues in my marriage.

On top of all this, my wife is very argumentative and often negative, especially about men in general. It has honestly made me wonder whether she carries some sort of generational trauma (we are North African). We’ve had our fair share of fights. Whenever I tried bringing up something that bothered me, she immediately became defensive and always had an explanation ready, so eventually I stopped bringing things up because it felt like there would never be any accountability.
Nowadays, I barely even argue anymore because I’m exhausted from all the constant bickering. I usually just apologize for whatever it is and let her rant so I can keep my peace of mind.

What’s difficult is that during the 1.5 years we knew each other before marriage, she never showed me this side of herself. I keep thinking that if she had, I definetly would never have married her and might even have called off the wedding. I suggested counseling or therapy, but she refused because she doesn’t believe in it.

Don’t get me wrong, she also has many positive qualities. We share a lot of the same interests, she appreciates the things I do for her, and she genuinely values the gifts and flowers I regularly buy her. She doesn’t take things for granted, and she helps financially while I help more around the house. We both work.

But despite all of that, I had started seriously considering divorce. Then we found out she was pregnant, which made everything even more complicated. I want to stay for the sake of our child and because I still hope things can improve, but right now I honestly don’t know what to do or where to start.

Tldr: married to a difficult wife who doesn't want to spend any time whatsoever with my family and doesn't want me spending time with friends. While considering divorce found out she was pregnant.
Seeking advice.

It seems that many people commenting on posts giving "advice" don't realize the gravity of what they are doing. Advice and passing a judgement are completely different things. Many people on here are straight up passing judgements on every OPs spouse and how awful and evil they are.

Just this week, I have seen a commenter use words like "nasty, vile" being used for people they don't even know and are not even present. Who told you that this person is vile over the one action described in a biased post? That is a whole muslim with honor of their own.

We have to realize people post here during conflict most of the time from high conflict relationships, which is almost never a one sided ordeal. Unless there is mention of major haram like zina, physical abuse, gambling, alcholism - why are we passing verdicts on people and turning spouses against each other? Advice involves giving the next steps to OP that may help their situation. Not telling them how much of a loser they are for staying because "hey I would never allow myself to take xyz."

One of my friends got divorced because of this subreddit and it was a whole thing in her family. Her husband posted on here. "Wife is disrespectful, crazy, kicked me out" and he got verdicts. Judgements. NOT ADIVCE. "She needs psychiatric help, send her back to her parents (haram btw), how disrespectful I would serve divorce papers the next day." Just one-sided verdicts filling his ears. He divorced her. Afterwards she revealed that he was cheating on her the entire relationship and she didnt want to reveal it because she was hoping things would get better. That her anger would subside, that she will love him again, and she didnt want to reveal her husbands flaws and then regret it. I know she should've divorced him any way but she was SHAMED in the process. Publicly. While she kept secrets. And this subreddit gave him the audacity to do that to her. Last I heard, he wants her back. And she said she could've forgiven the cheating but not the character assassination during divorce.

Another heartbreaking thing I noticed is people choosing to reveal that they are divorced through their flairs but then being shamed for being divorced if they say something people disagree with. There was a sister on here that deleted her account recently, I would dm her sometimes. She had made many posts for months about being cheated on and financially abused. And EVERYONE told her to leave her husband. Eventually she did. The other day a couple men replied to her "well not surprised you're divorced" because they didnt agree with her on something. SubhanAllah. Her account is no longer there because I know that is not the first time men shame her for being divorced without knowing in what circumstances she had to ask for khula. And honestly I would dare them to say it to her face or her father's face. They wouldn't. Apparently Islamic rules don't apply to you when it's the internet?

This is a MUSLIM community. An islamic space and islamic rules need to be upheld here by ALL members. I urge the space to use their words wisely. To stop giving emotional verdicts. And to give advice rather than pass judgements on characters. These are real marriages. REAL muslims.

Everyone here is accountable for their words.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

“When two disputing parties come to you, then do not pass a judgement against one party until you hear the other person’s case. [After hearing out both parties] A ruling will then become clear.”

(Musnad Ahmad, vol. 1, pg. 149. Also see: Sahih Ibn Hibban; Al Ihsan, Hadith: 5065)

Edit- I am not anti-divorce, I am pro-respectful language and basic respect in online conversations. Because truth is you will never have the full picture in these posts. The least we can do it not get emotional over half information. If you know that people lie on here, why are you getting emotional? Give logical advice and thoughts without insults and rage.

I'm a woman (22) and my husband is (31). We've been married for almost 6 months now. My phone has been broken for about 2 months now. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I use the laptop occasionally.

I asked him when he could get a new one and what the budget would be. But he reacted irritated and said it wasn't the right time for a new phone. I left it at that and didn't ask again. It's been almost 2 months since then. In the meantime, my phone doesn't work at all anymore, so I urgently need a new one.

3 weeks ago he said he wants to buy a laptop because he needs it for work. He's currently sharing a laptop with his younger sister who is studying. She doesn't need it anymore since she has exams and the school year is ending. I told my husband he should buy it after the summer instead, since the laptop is just at our home and his sister doesn't need it. He doesn't use the laptop every day or even every week either.

What I find so upsetting is that he can't buy a new phone for me, but he was ready to get a new laptop for himself, while he knows very well that I need a phone. Yesterday we had an argument about this and I haven't spoken to him since. This morning he put a new phone on the table. I saw the phone but haven't touched it yet because I'm still too angry. But I could see it was an older model. I had an iPhone 12 Pro Max, which is already a bit old, and he got me an iPhone XR, and it doesn't even look new.

This makes me feel sad. Am I not worth more than that? I do everything for him, from cooking to massaging his feet, and this is what I get in return. Am I ungrateful, or does anyone understand my point?

I genuinely can’t tell anymore whether I’m overthinking a flawed but caring relationship or whether I’m ignoring real incompatibilities because of attachment. The man I’m speaking to for marriage is caring in many ways. He apologizes when he hurts me, gets affected when I’m upset, tries to repair conflict, and I know he genuinely cares about me. But at the same time, there are moments where I question whether I feel deeply emotionally fulfilled or emotionally “seen” enough long term.
I think one of the biggest things affecting me lately has actually been my friend’s perspective. I know she genuinely loves me and wants the best for me, and I truly don’t think any of it comes from jealousy or bad intentions. But she’s become very emotionally invested in my relationship and it’s honestly been making me spiral.

The thing that really got to me was when she came over recently, one of the first things she said was basically that she doesn’t think I should marry him. From the moment we started talking, the conversation immediately became about how she thinks there’s no chemistry between us, no deep emotional connection, that he doesn’t treat me special enough, and that I’m emotionally unfulfilled and settling.

Whenever I vent to her about something upsetting, she becomes very black and white about it. She says things like: there’s no chemistry between us, that he doesn’t treat me special enough, that there’s no deep emotional connection, that I’m emotionally unfulfilled,
that I’m settling, that I “have no backbone” because I’m still conflicted instead of leaving,
and that if I’m questioning the relationship this much, then that itself is my answer. At one point I even liked a reel about wanting to feel deeply emotionally seen, and when she saw it she basically took it as confirmation that I shouldn’t marry him. The conversation got so emotionally overwhelming that at one point I snapped and said “who are you to tell me whether I should marry

The thing is, I already naturally overthink relationships and emotional connection deeply. So when someone I trust speaks with that much certainty, I start spiraling and questioning everything my feelings, my attraction, my standards, even my istikhara. What confuses me even more is that when I talk to my mom, she sees the situation completely differently. She thinks my friend is being too emotionally intense and unrealistic about relationships. She keeps reminding me that real marriage is more nuanced than social media, that caring people can still be imperfect, and that romantic gestures/chemistry alone don’t define whether someone is respectful or a good long-term partner.

I honestly feel stuck between two extremes right now: one side telling me I’m settling, and another side telling me I’m overthinking a flawed but caring person because of anxiety and outside influence.

Has anyone else dealt with friends becoming too emotionally involved in their relationship decisions during the Muslim marriage process? How do you separate your own intuition from anxiety and other people’s voices?

I'm nearly 33, still single. Several years ago I spent £7000 on eye surgery to get rid of glasses, I was very short sighted with very thick glasses.

Over the years, my crown has completely thinned, and my hairline has almost completely receded. I'm now having to go for a hair transplant which will cost me another 5-6k.

It's depressing that I'm having to continuously spend money chasing my flaws to just "be in the game" for marriage. I wish I was able to get married younger, because by this time, if I was, maybe she would've been in love with me and my hair loss would not have mattered.

I know what people are going to say, "it's not about looks it's about character, the right sister will care more about your character" but this to me is partial rubbish. It may be true when you're already in a relationship, as I've described above, but on the marriage search, you're screened like a product of a shelf; I'm already short at 5'2, no woman would find me physically appealing, if I'm balding on top of that (literally) my chances are even more slim.

This is more of a rant than a question, I would like to hear your thoughts on everything.

I am an overweight and tall woman married to an overweight and tall man for 8 months.

It has been great so far and my body image issues started to go away since the marriage , until I found out he used to fancy women half my size and have certain features that I don't possess.

So naturally I don't believe him as much anymore when he compliments me (and he does often)

The thing is, I am born with a heart defect and have had a surgery in the past. The recurrence of the surgery is realistically in the cards for me, however the doctors I have visited for the last couple of years have told me to lose weight if I want to stabilize my condition for some more time and postpone the surgery.

I was actively trying to lose weight before meeting my husband and was down 6 kgs. When we met, I have told him from the start what I will be doing if we are to married. Never asked him to lose weight with me as well, I told him I am doing it for my health. But you know what it is, with the stress off the process of marriage, I fell out of the diet, and when marriage happened, we started eating together and before I know it I have put on an extra 10 kgs plus the 6 I lost.

I have tried multiple times during my marriage to go on a diet. The cooking is mostly on me so in the days I felt okay enough to cook, I did (sometimes my heart is so tired that I skip a day) according to the diet. But I knew a huge man like him wouldn't be full with what I am supposed to eat, and because he is working I felt obliged to cook him extra stuff that are filling yet not healthy.

Cooking two separate meals tired me, so I stopped. But my attempts at losing weight went on. I asked my husband to warn me sternly if I show weakness in my diet. He said he will be the sugar nazi, he didn't. I know my weight loss is my responsibility and I am to blame for the weight I am right now, but the enabling, on both sides, didn't help at all. He kept enabling me, suggesting take out and sweets and I did the same for him. And most importantly, he tells me that I don't need weight loss. That he doesn't care what doctors say, or anyone says, that I am not overweight and I am perfect like this. The woman of his dreams, etc... I tell him it's for my health, and he says okay, you are right but doesn't show support afterwards.

There's one more reason why weight loss is important for us. I am not supposed to have children in the severity of my situation, only allowed after second surgery, but weight loss could lessen the severity and I could, maybe, tolerate pregnancy.

And I want to take that chance.

A couple days ago I asked him what is the real reason that he doesn't want me to lose weight, and he said he feared that I wouldn't like him anymore. I assured him that I would.

I am trying again. I have switched to healthy ingredients, no gluten breads and only olive oil, etc. and I am down 1.5 kgs without being strictly on a diet. The road is long and difficult without a supportive husband.

My questions are, firstly, could my husband be genuine in his attraction for me when he previously was attracted to much different body shapes?

Why wouldn't he help me get closer to the body shape he used to prefer on women by supporting my weight loss?

Am I really the women of his dreams or is he merely settling for me, because I am the best he could have, right now?

Those were my spiraling thoughts, I very much love my husband and want to believe his love and attraction for me is genuine. He never did anything to suggest otherwise, but when I found out of his previous likings (not told by him but rather found out), I started to feel insecure.

And the main question: What can I do for weight loss (over 40 kgs) without too much loose skin, when I can tolerate little exercise and strength training is not an option for me?

Edit: Added another question and changed the wording.

I’m 28F and he’s 31 for context.

I’m going to be having my Fatiha/ketb kitab/3a9d/nikkah (whatever you call it) in about a month. It’s going to be very intimate with just family at home.

However, a few things have come up and I’m not sure if I should be putting the brakes on things or if I should just be understanding about the situation.

I’ve known this man for about 5–6 months now. He’s met my family and they approve. His parents don’t approve because we’re from different countries, etc but that’s another thing.

From the beginning, we both agreed we didn’t want to prolong things unnecessarily and wanted to keep things halal, which is why we’re planning to get islamically married in about a month. But recently he’s brought up a few things that have made me unsure.

I asked for a specific amount for mahr. It honestly wasn’t a crazy amount at all and people even told me I should ask for more, but I didn’t want to switch up on him after discussing it. At first he asked, “Which currency do you want it in?” and it was a serious question. It’s between two western currencies and the difference isn’t huge, but I found that a bit odd.

Now he’s saying he can only give me 20% of the mahr upfront and the rest later because otherwise he’d have to go further into debt. He knows I hate debt, so part of me is wondering if he was trying to guilt trip me or not.

We also went to look at rings together so he could see what I like. I already had a specific place in mind that does exactly the style I want, and the ring would cost 4 figures. He seemed completely okay with it. Rings aren’t exactly cheap unless you change all the materials, so now I’m confused. If he can only afford 20% of my mahr right now, and the ring itself would cost 20% of the mehr how is he planning to afford that too?

We won’t be having the actual wedding for another few months, so now I’m wondering if I should just ask for the ring and the rest of the mahr then instead.

I really like this man and we’re genuinely very compatible. I think we could have a great marriage, but I also don’t want to ignore important signs. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him beyond what he can handle either.

What’s confusing me is that he earns 6 figures, so I’m struggling to understand why this is becoming an issue right now. I do know he recently moved to my city which comes with expenses, and he still has debt he hasn’t cleared yet. But he was also living at home for over a year before this. When we met, neither of us were really looking for marriage so maybe he didn’t have time to prepare?

Do I ask him for a much clearer financial picture and work around what he realistically has? Since we’re already keeping the Islamic marriage very intimate and simple, should I just delay the rest of these things until the wedding in a few months?

I also genuinely don’t want a ring he can’t afford because every time I wear it, I’ll just wonder whether he went into debt for it.

He’s also mentioned that he is able to provide. He just can’t provide a lot of luxury at the moment. I thought he was lowering my expectations but now I’m wondering.

Sorry this is long but I really need some advice right now.

I’m a revert (F,23) married to a born Muslim (M, 24). I am European and he is Arab.

We originally started dating 4 years ago. He was not practicing/religious at all, and I had an interest in Islam (before meeting him) but wasn’t practicing. We dated for around 1 year until we both became more serious about practicing Islam and decided to seperate for the sake of Allah SWT (with the intention of marriage). I know normally it’s a big red flag for Muslim men to date but my husband genuinely didn’t know anything about his deen at the time, as his family is not religious. Once we started educating ourselves on Islam we separated straight away.

We got married 6 months later, and have been happily married for 3 years now. Here’s the issue… my husband and I both have a past which we were completely open and transparent about when we met. We don’t know details about each other’s past, just that there were other relationships before us. 2 years into the marriage he realised me having a past is a problem for him (even though he has one too). He couldn’t look at me the same and we almost got divorced because of it. He made lots of duaas and prayed tahajjud every night to save our marriage, and eventually he moved past it and things were normal alhamdullilah. Unfortunately now the same issue has resurfaced a year later.

He said that he doesn’t believe it’s something he can fully get over, since it’s been a year and the thoughts still bother him every now and then. He believes he can try to ignore it for now but he’ll never be able to fully get over it, and it will eventually lead to bigger problems and divorce later on down the track.

We had a big discussion about why it bothers him, especially since he also had a past. He genuinely cannot give me a valid reason, other than ‘it’s just different for a man and woman’. Essentially his belief is that while it’s haram for both, women lose their value if they’ve had relations outside of marriage, whereas men don’t. He claims that any man would agree with this opinion.

I have asked him to see a psychologist for a few sessions to hopefully help him reframe his thinking, but he flat out refuses. He won’t even consider it, even though he understands there’s no other option other than divorce. He spoke to a sheikh the first time this issue came up, and the sheikh said it’s a very common issue between married couples but unfortunately most of the time it leads to divorce.

His reasoning for not seeing a psychologist is that he believes it doesn’t work and it’s a waste of time. He has absolutely NO knowledge of the field of psychology and has never seen a psychologist. He doesn’t even understand what a psychology session involves, yet he flat out refuses and would rather throw away our marriage than to give it a try.

I understand not believing in counselling/therapy, but I’m so hurt that he doesn’t even want to try. He has nothing to lose from going to a few sessions, and would rather skip straight to the divorce than to give it a chance.

Please brothers and sisters ANY advice would be appreciated because I am distraught. He is genuinely an amazing and caring husband alhamdullilah, he honestly has no other faults. I cannot believe he is willing to throw away our marriage just to avoid seeing a psychologist.

TLDR: my husband would rather skip straight to divorce, than to seek help from a psychologist regarding his issues with my past.