How do I maintain intimacy 2 months postpartum? And is it haram to set the boundary of no sexual intimacy until we have time for us both?
Asalaamu alaikum, I female (23) am currently 2 months postpartum with my second baby. Me and my husband are currently struggling to find a middle ground when it comes to sexual intimacy. During pregnancy it was really hard for me to be intimate with him due to morning sickness, sciatica, and injuring my hips while walking with my toddler which made slight movements very painful. On top of that while pregnant my husband did something behind my back that really broke my trust and confidence. So it made intimacy something I couldn’t really bare. Now fast forward to at 2 almost 3 months postpartum I am still not interested. Well I was, but when we did have time to do something I didn’t get mines. He’s developed this habit from when I was pregnant where he mainly would focus on himself and as long as he finished, then we were done and I was constantly put on the back burner with the excuse of “ oh theres not enough time “ or “we just have to keep trying”. After months and months of literally just doing it for him it has almost conditioned me to not want it or find any pleasure in it especially because I knew what the outcome would be. Now that I am no longer pregnant and have some of my autonomy back I had recently gained some interest in it but the same thing happened where we only focused on him and gave me the excuse of “next time” which caused me to be very angry to the point where I didn’t even want him to touch me after. I made it up in my mind that I’m no longer gonna be pushed to the side and if we don’t have time for my pleasure as well then we simply don’t have time at all. On top of that with dealing with a newborn and toddler I find that most days I am overwhelmed and overstimulated so sexual touching really makes me feel uncomfortable and strange. I’ve expressed all this to him but he takes it as me not desiring him when that’s not the case I just feel used. And it doesn’t help that whenever he shows me “affection” it’s always groping and never hugs or non sexual touches. It’s weird since having my baby I’ve almost felt like a baby myself wanting and yearning for comfort and support and reassurance that everything is ok, not a reminder that I need to fulfill sexual duties at the end of the day. As stated before my desire is there but I’ve been losing it bc of the fear that my pleasure won’t be accounted for and I’ll have to go however long until we have the “ time”. So is it haram or am I wrong for having this mindset of wanting to enjoy it, kind of all or nothing approach ? And how can me and my husband find a middle ground where both of our needs are being taken care of and we both feel loved and appreciated?