u/high_ground_user

I am not religious enough for muslims near me and too religious for non muslims. I am isolated and lonely. Everytime i talk to someone about this issue they support the idea that it is valid that i am lonely. I feel a deep sadness in my heart.

I dont fit in with other muslims, and alt spaces here arent welcoming to me because of the notion that you cant be religious and alt. I understand where they are coming from, but i am in no shape or form conservative. I also will not insist on staying somewhere where i am not welcome, so i just leave them alone.

This leads to me being incredibly lonely. I know that i could just choose to be one or the other all the way, but thats just not who i am. And why would i want friends that i have to hide a part of my identity from? I could just take off my hijab and be welcomed in alt spaces, i could party and drink with them but i dont want to do that just to be accepted. I understand they dont need to accept me into their spaces, but i really want to have friends that share my hobbies and interests. I tried to be friends with non alt ppl, but we dont have much in common. I could "just stop being alt" to fit in with other people, but i dont want to hide my opinions and interests just to fit in and get friends.

I tried going to clubs that have my hobbies, but there i am also the outlier. I am the outsider in every space. I know i chose to be like this, but i feel incredibly lonely. I try to fit in the most i can while still being myself, and it is exhausting. I dont want to be less alt when in non alt spaces and i still want to be a hijabi in alt spaces. I know some people will not have any empathy for me since this is what i chose for myself. Especially where i live. Once my gym teacher said its none of her business that i fast and i cant really argue against that. I guess the same is for other facets of my life.

I just want friends with the same interests as me. I dont even talk about my religion ever. I truly try to minimize that part of me so ppl arent bothered by me. I just show it through my clothes. I have refused alcohol before, and asked if stuff has pork in it, but those are things that affect me. Other than that, it doesnt affect anyone else other than them having to look at me i guess. I want to have muslim friends and non muslim friends, i dont really care about their religion or anything.

Dont get me wrong, i do have aquaintances. I am on friendly terms with everyone i talk to (other than lab supervisors, fuck them), but i am not friends with them as in they would never reach out to me if we werent in the same space. I can greet them and have nice conversations with them but thats about it. For example, ill go to a ttrpg game and have a great time with them, but later they will hang out without me. If they decide to go out after the game, ill ask if i can tag along and theyll say yes, but ignore me the whole night. Its a weird feeling, being lonely in a group.
I always feel so nervous about making online friends and having to tell them i am a hijabi because once they know, they just ghost me. I have given up on trying to reach out to anyone and keep to myself. I go out, join protests etc by myself, but it is not as fun when you cant share it with anyone else (it is also kinda dangerous sometimes, but oh well). I tell myself itll get better over time, but i dont think it will.

Also, you might think, what a random subreddit to post this on. I tried r/lonely and r/vent but i guess they dont allow posts like this there. I just want to connect with some people :(

I have come across this question a lot and I'd like to give my opinion ( I am not a scholar, so feel free to correct me). Do not tell them anything they cant see! This defeats the whole purpose of hijab. I understand you want to let him know what he is getting into, but he isnt your husband yet. What if he changes his mind and goes around gossiping about what you told him? Even if you are sure he is the one, telling him will not benefit you in any way, it will just make you more vulnerable.