r/self

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I am f17 and rn i am struggling with hairloss and fatigue and also almost fainting when I stand up. Im figuring that my iron levels arent that good or not high enough so I would go to a doc to check my blood levels or the pharmacy idk.

My mum has some Iron supplements? (sorry if i spell anything wrong my native language isnt english) she said i gotta take them. But i dont want to. Id prefer to get told by a doc that my levels arent good rather than just taking smth even tho it woulf be cheaper

Is this weird? Or does anyone else feel like this

I have my ups and downs like everyone but generally I'm quite a happy man.

Last night after going out drinking and coming home some of the worst mood and feeling of Doom ever hit me for a relatively small reason and I felt like the day won't pass and I couldn't get to sleep either, so I experimented on slowly hanging myself with my belt from the doorhandle but ultimately backed out.

I don't know what got into me.

i dont know why but the smell of blood just feels so nice to me, and yes i also like the smell of burning things and gasoline

Not even because the food is bad. It’s actually pretty good, and is one of the last fast food places with decent pricing. It’s also very rare that I order out to begin with, so it sucks that I have to stop going because…

They mess up my order literally every single time!

There hasn’t been a single time I’ve gone that I haven’t had a fucked up order. This is true regardless of whether I order in, go through drive thru, or mobile order. It also happens across multiple locations, so I know it’s not the same staff messing with me.

This last time was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I actually had to return my order 3 times because they kept messing it up, despite being handed the receipt for reference. It wasn’t even correct the last time, either, but the cashier ended up giving me a refund anyway so I just left.

I’ve regret it each time I come back since they mess up even the simplest orders, then I end up waiting 20 minutes for “fast” food, so I’m just not going to return at all.

Fun fact danish suicide hotline is a paid number and the free chat closes at 9pm (two hours ago) {I'm not gonna off myself but apparently Gemini won't help me anymore 😅}

I've struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember.

When I was 11, I developed insomnia. I would lie in bed counting the hours I had left to sleep, getting increasingly nervous because I knew I'd be exhausted the next day. I would obsess over how little sleep I was going to get, and this continued until I was around 15.

At 19, while I was at university, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I was so anxious in class that I had to sit in a corner, near an exit, because I constantly felt like I might need to run out. I also developed digestive problems because of my nerves. I was prescribed medication, and anxiety has been something I've had to deal with throughout my life.

Now I'm 33, and objectively speaking, I have a good life.

I'm a lawyer, I have my own law firm, and my career is going well. I've been fortunate in many ways. I grew up in a loving, close-knit family, went to private schools, and have enjoyed beautiful holidays, financial comfort and opportunities that many people don't have. People often describe me as pretty and popular, and I consider myself a good person who genuinely tries to do right by others.

People also tell me I'm successful, but honestly, I don't always see myself that way. Sometimes I feel like other people have a much more positive view of my achievements than I do. I tend to focus on what I haven't achieved yet, what I could be doing better, and everything that could go wrong, rather than appreciating how far I've come.

I'm aware of my privilege, and I'm genuinely grateful for it. I don't want to sound ungrateful or suggest that my life has been harder than other people's. I know I have many things that others are still fighting for.

But I've also experienced my share of pain: toxic relationships, infidelity, betrayal and friendships that have ended in ways that really hurt me.

And the strange thing is that, even now, when so many things are going well, I still feel anxious about almost everything.

My relationship is currently going well, although it had a difficult beginning. I've recently had problems with friends because I decided to set boundaries and keep certain aspects of my relationship private while I was going through a difficult period. They were upset that I hadn't told them everything, and I ended up losing friendships that had been part of my life for years.

I've also ended another friendship with someone I had been helping as a lawyer for free. They disrespected me, and I decided I couldn't continue representing them. Yet I still feel terrible and guilty for walking away, even though I know I had my reasons. I keep questioning whether I did the right thing, whether I was too harsh, or whether I should have handled things differently.

I want to become a mother one day. It's something I've always wanted, but I'm frightened of so many things surrounding it. I'm scared of choosing the wrong person to have a child with, ending up in an unhappy relationship, or having to go through a separation with a child involved. I'm also afraid that I might struggle with fertility or discover that I can't have children when I'm finally ready to become a mother. I'm 33 now, and sometimes I worry about time passing and whether I'll get the chance to experience something I've wanted for so long.

It feels strange that even something I've always dreamed of can become a source of anxiety. Instead of simply looking forward to motherhood, I find myself imagining all the things that could go wrong before I even get there.

I'm also a property owner, and I constantly worry about my tenants complaining about something, something breaking in the house, or the rainy season bringing leaks or damage. Even when nothing is wrong, my mind finds something that could go wrong. And when a problem does arise, I find it difficult to switch off because I keep thinking about it and anticipating the next issue.

At work, I'm afraid of failing. I worry about losing cases, making mistakes, disappointing clients or not being good enough at what I do. Even though my business is doing well, I struggle to feel secure in that success. I often feel that I have to prove myself over and over again, as though one mistake could somehow undo everything I've worked for.

It's as if I'm always anticipating the next problem. I struggle to enjoy the present because part of my mind is constantly preparing for something bad to happen.

And this is what I find so frustrating: I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but knowing that doesn't make the anxiety disappear.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being anxious because I know I'm fortunate. I have a career, a home, a family, opportunities and the possibility of building the life I want. I know many people are dealing with circumstances far more difficult than mine.

But I also know that anxiety doesn't necessarily care how good your life looks from the outside. You can have a loving family, professional success, financial stability and people who care about you, and still struggle to feel safe or at peace.

I don't know whether my generalized anxiety disorder is returning, whether I've never really learned how to feel safe, or whether I've simply become accustomed to anticipating problems. I just know I'm tired of feeling as though I have to prevent every possible mistake, disappointment or disaster before I can relax.

I'm tired of overthinking conversations, feeling guilty when I set boundaries, worrying about decisions that haven't even happened yet, and imagining worst-case scenarios when there is no immediate reason to expect them.

I want to be able to enjoy my life as it is, rather than constantly worrying about how it might fall apart. I want to trust myself, feel more confident in my decisions, and stop feeling responsible for preventing every bad thing that could possibly happen.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar. I don't just want to know how to distract myself or cope in the moment. I want to know whether it's actually possible to change this way of thinking and finally feel at peace.

I worked for 12 years as an editor. My specialty was developmental editing, meaning I helped authors with big-picture stuff. In fiction, that meant critiquing and workshopping story beats, character development, plot, continuity, themes, and literary devices, as well as the author's style and technique. In non-fiction, that meant fact-checking, research, going through interviews and data, developing the author's thesis and arguments, and more. 

There was just something so magical about the whole process... imagine you meet this person who is working on this little stick figure sketch. And it's just stick figures, but you can see that this means something to the artist; it's something deeply special and personal to them, and you can tell they have the dedication to become a great artist someday. 

So every day you coach them and teach them, polish up their technique, and then after a while they've made this masterpiece, and it's beautiful, and it's everything they wanted it to be, and this artist is just so happy that they've made it! And maybe they won't be like... Van Gogh famous or anything, maybe they don't make a million dollars, maybe they don't even make a hundred, but they've done something amazing - with their own two human hands! - and they're proud, and you get to be proud of them because you were a part of it. 

That's what it feels like. 

A lot of the clients I worked with, they had no one to share their work with. They didn't talk about it with their friends or family. It was all just a bunch of ideas in their head that they were trying to translate to text. And then I'd talk to them about their work, and they would be so passionate and excited, and their passion was always so infectious. They'd get so hyped up about their work, and I got hyped up with them. 

It's hard to explain the joy that you feel from being around passionate, creative people. Being a part of their journey. You just soak in all that energy, and it makes you feel alive. Because these aren't just ideas in random people's heads, being an editor meant I got to watch all these stories become real, tangible things I could actually hold in my hands!

Truth be told, I moved on from that career path because I had a family and freelancing just wasn't stable enough to support them. Some months you do good, but others you don't, and I needed something that was more reliable and consistent because I have people who depend on me now. The industry can be pretty cut-throat, and you're competing with an endless, faceless army of scammers who prey on new authors. 

I keep up with trends in the industry, and it makes me sad, truth be told. From the moment you start to take your writing career seriously, you are assailed by scammers - from phony editors and cover artists to scummy vanity publishers to slimeball "social media managers," and promoters and advertisers. So much of the industry is designed to take advantage of creative people and leave them penniless and unfulfilled, and with AI now it's gotten even worse. 

I always tried to be the person I would want in my corner if I needed it. I hope I don't sound conceited when I say I feel like when I was an editor I got to make a real, meaningful difference for people. 

Authors - all creative people, really - just need someone who believes in them. Their stories are cool, fun, interesting, and special. I've had more fun going through amateur manuscripts with offensive grammar than I ever have reading bestsellers. Stephen King is great, but when you finish something like It, you don't get to, like... hang out with him on Discord and help him work out his next book. 

In another life, I would have done this till the day I died.

I turned 30 last month. No party, just a quiet dinner with my parents and a slice of cake I bought myself on the way home. The whole day I kept waiting for some kind of feeling to hit me — regret, panic, relief. Nothing did.

The thing is, I’ve spent most of my adult life in a kind of holding pattern. Not depressed exactly, not happy either. Just... waiting. Waiting for the right moment to quit the job I don’t hate but don’t care about. Waiting to feel motivated enough to start running again. Waiting for someone to tell me I’m on the right track.

My roommate moved out last month to take a job in another city. Before he left he said something that’s been stuck in my head: “You’re the most patient person I know, but I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” I laughed it off. But he’s right.

I think part of it is fear of making a wrong move. If I stay still, I can’t mess anything up. But staying still is also a choice, and lately it’s starting to feel like the wrong one. I have this image of myself at 40, still in the same apartment, still telling myself I’ll figure it out next year.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe just to say it out loud to people who aren’t my parents. Has anyone else snapped out of a long waiting period? What did it for you?

Ok so, i have been having pretty terrible thoughts that keeps popping up in my head over and over again since the beginning of my birthday and school 

So before they have arrived. I wanted to do something very amazing for myself. I wanted to follow my dreams, achieve my goals as much as i can and also be a better person for myself and others, especially when it was my birthday soon, so i wanted to spend it very well and make the best memories that I will never forget. 

But something kept disrupting it and I am unable to achieve what i want. 

So about my dream. I want to be an animator for shows and or movies. I also want to be someone that made stories and cartoons. So i wanted to try and push my way further by making an account for that. 

I have once posted my drawings before and it went well. Not that it was very famous, I got a handfull of likes but I still enjoyed it. 

So I thought, of trying to push the algorithm more. But all of the sudden at summer, I kept having these unwanted thoughts.

Look, i have had unwanted thoughts before. They aren’t fun at all. Especially since it makes me stress about it so much that it makes me not be able to focus or even do things that I love doing. 

But this time, they were different. The themes of these thoughts were different and they scared me. 

I kept having thoughts telling me ‘’oh what if you are a terrible person that said harmful things to others. What if you commented something bad and that you are a disgusting person like other famous content creators’’ 

At first i ignored it, but then it kept getting worse and worse and it has gotten to a point where i kept getting thoughts like ‘’oh, you really want to be a bad person. Look at you, you are terrible. You said horrible things in comments and you are only saying that you didn’t because you want to deny the fact that you are just a performative person that just want to manipulate others to think that you are a good person’’ 

And it scared me so bad. I even kept getting thoughts telling me to delete all of my comments even though they weren’t hurtful or comments that I have said when I was very young and these comments were just me being a bit embarrassing in the comments. 

I even would dm the people that I commented on their videos and would make an apology letter. Or when they block me, i would comment a big apology letter on another public comment, tagging them and comment a whole apology letter. 

I know it sounds weird, but i don’t do this to annoy the person, i usually do this because i can’t bear the idea of hurting another person by accident and also because i hate being misunderstood. So i would try and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them and that I really don’t want to be a terrible person 

These thoughts because so bad to the point of deleting my old account and every comments that I made because i was afraid if i was convincing myself into thinking that those comments are ‘’not bad’’ and that they are actually terrible and that I am hallucinating about making nice comments. 

It was very tiring and also very upsetting. 

It also affect me with school. I keep getting weird thoughts telling me that others hate me and that they want me dead. 

Or that there will be groups of girls that are going to beat me up and that it deserve it because i ‘’insulted them’’ even though i didn’t talk to these grou of girls. 

Not only that, one of my friends introduced me to this same girl that I kept having these weird thoughts and said ‘’oh this is *my name*! The friend that I have been talking about. She is very nice!’’ 

We waved, but i still kept having thoughts telling me that she is disgusted by me and that she wants to hurt me because I am a bad person or a racist. 

Or thoughts telling me that her and the rest of her group of friends are going to tackle me and rip all of my hair and that I deserve it because i am a gross and evil person. 

I am so tired of this because I keep getting horrible notes at school and it is distracting me. 

It is also making me not want to chase my dreams because i kept getting thoughts telling me that i am a problematic person and that people in the world are going to hate me, and that I deserve the hate that I get. So it just felt poitless because no bad person deserves to make contents. 

Or thoughts telling me  ‘’ oh, but you know hackers exists. They are going to hack your account tant think you are disgusting’’ even though i have nothing to be afraid of

I wouldn’t want hackers to see my private things for obvious reasons. But i also don’t have any bad things to hide. 

It is true that last year, I have once had so much terrible thoughts that I kept spamming the same questions on Google asking ‘’ oh what if I am doing something unhealthy with my mental health’’ over and over again. But they have stopped and now turned into this 

I was so tired of it, I still am tired of it. 

Idk what to do either because everytime I try to ignore it, it comes back worse. It doesn’t help. I even kept having nightmares about myself doing bad things to others and it just sickened me

And I kept getting thoughts saying ‘’oh, you had a dream about this. It means that it is your true desires and that you want to be a bad person and calling them harmful things’’

And keep getting thoughts telling me that i was a bad person and that I deserve to be harmed because I bad people shouldn’t be treated like a human being. 

Or I keep getting intrusive images of people at my school doing violent things, hurting and aggressively insulting me because I am a bad person and that I deserve this type of treatment. 

I am scared of somehow being a bad person so badly. What if I am just trying to convince myself that I a, a good person to manipulate others into thinking that I am good but in reality I am a bad person. 

I even kept getting weird thoughts anytime I see someone getting scolded by teachers, principals or even secretaries. 

When I see these people misbehaving and seeing them getting scolded by the adults for misbehaving. I get thoughts telling me ‘’you should be at their place by now. You should be treated this way by adults. You are even worse than this kid. Yet you are getting yelled at. This is how much you don’t deserve such luxury of adults being kinder to you’’ 

And it even kept telling me things like ‘’ you need to admit that you are a bad person to these teachers, show them how much you are terrible because they deserve to know the truth about how you really don’t deserve being treated as a polite student’’ 

It is weird. I don’t like these thoughts. They are kind of annoying. But for some reason I agree bc, what if I actually am a bad person and is just making myself think that I am not out of denial? 

Like, maybe my thoughts are right. I should be treated terribly.

And it isn’t just with the teachers or principals either. I also get the same thoughts when it comes to police officers. 

I don’t know why. I just keep getting thoughts telling me that i am worse than the people in prison and that police officers should treat me like shit just like how they treat prisoners like shit because  ‘’ I am worse than the criminals in bars’’ and that I desserve to be dehumanized by the police, the world or just everyone in general because they should see me as such

And  again, for some reason, I agree even though I am sure that I did not do anything wrong. Because what if I am actually a bad person and that I am just very good at manipulating myself and others into thinking that I am good? I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t do this. I could never.

But what if i am just denying it? 

Which scares me so much. Not only that, i wouldn’t want to be mistreated. Especially by adults and police officers or be a prisoner myself. It would just be traumatizing or upsetting for me. It is already traumatizing at school so I wouldn’t want this either.

But for some reason, I feel like I should be treated like a bad person. Because of how these thoughts are just so convincing. I am scared of being a bad person, but what  if i am denying about it? That is scarier 

​

Say, on the day you die, you're given a choice to reincarnate into a particular person's life. Specifically, my life. There are two cases—first case, you retain all your memories, personality, life experiences. Second case, you lose them all and fully become this person.

Details of my life:

\- 20YO, Male, from Southeast Asia

\- Lower-middle class, never had much in the material sense, but always had food on the table and rich in other things

\- Loving parents and family

\- Always been good at school

\- Not particularly attractive/unattractive

\- People's first impressions: Serious, often funny, always spaced out, like someone from another planet

\- Introverted but can become social, like a switch

\- Used to have friends, but now not any

\- In university, with difficult studies but a degree he does not regret

Perceived strengths:

\- Above average intelligence, maybe even smart

\- Solid writer, and decently creative

\- Highly ambitious, maybe to a fault

\- Good at empathizing and listening

\- Eloquent for his age

\- Has so much hope that his life will get so much better; but recognizes that the tiniest missteps can cause everything to come falling down

\- Believes in himself.

Perceived weaknesses:

\- OCD, but not severe

\- Not particularly athletic, OK/median for his age

\- Emotional and cries a lot

\- Doesn't have any friends anymore

\- Queer/complicated sexuality and not really proud of it

\- Insecure, and has a chip on his shoulder

Neutral traits:

\- Strong desire to achieve

\- Strong desire to get ahead (over others)

\- Decent at a few other hobbies, prefers relaxing ones

\- Neither a hard worker nor lazy

\- Decent focus and attention

***\_***\_\_\_\_

Case 1: You retain all your memories, personality, life experiences. You possess my body, and can tap into more of my consciousness, which will give you my perceived strengths, weaknesses, and neutral traits.

Case 2: You simply become me. You will live my life starting now.

Would you live my life under either case? Why or why not?

Everybody else seems to be making friends, getting approached by people, and being happy, but not me. People just walk past me without saying a word. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what more I'm supposed to do. I've tried everything I could, and now I'm lost.

I'm a 19yo male going on 20. I'm in my second year of community college, and I still haven't made any friends. I've gotten some people's numbers, but they've never called or texted me. I always have to be the one to reach out first, and I don't understand why. For years, no one has come to my birthday parties except for my mom, my grandma, and some other family members, but not a single person to call a friend. And I've never gotten an invite to anything either. Every time I heard that someone was having a party or something, and I muster up the courage to ask if I can go, they just say no. It's so confusing.

By the time I got to the 12th grade, I stopped trying, and I figured that people would just come to me eventually. But no. Everybody has someone approach them eventually, for whatever reason. But every time I just sit there, not busy with anything, no one comes by. They don't even say hello. Why? Would it kill you to say hello to someone who isn't doing anything? I'm clearly doing something wrong. I'm tired of waiting for people to approach me, but at the same time, I have no idea what to say. Every time I think about approaching somebody, I just pause, and I walk away and sit down by myself.

I've never had that good of a connection with anybody in my past school years, other than my assigned paras. I never had the opportunity to actually make a lasting friendship. I was supposed to learn from my experiences, but they were all terrible. And I don't know who can help me. I've gone to so many therapists in the past, and none of them were able to reach me. I've barely even begun living yet, and I feel like I'm already beyond saving.

And nobody, not even my parents, seems to understand what I'm going through. They don't seem to care at all. They say that they've never even seen me smile. When I tell them I don't have the ability to smile naturally, they say it's because of autism. But it's more than just that. When are you even supposed to smile? I don't know, because I can barely even identify how I feel at the moment, nor how I'm even supposed to feel.

Apparently, that's called alexithymia, which is also an aspect of autism. But no, you just don't understand. If I don't even know where to smile, or when to smile, or why to smile, then why should I smile at all? What is there to smile about if everyone just seems to pass you by for a reason that's beyond your understanding? Wearing a fake smile is just putting on another mask on top of the one I'm already wearing. And I'm tired of wearing masks. But I don't even know where to begin.

Boy, it has been a complete shitstorm of a week to put it lightly.

I tried to commit, very nearly died. I only survived because my room mate found me. I had to be kept in hospital for three days, breathing tubes and all kinds of stuff strapped on me for the first day. The following days they just monitored my motor activity and behaviour to see if I was fit to go outside again. The entire time I had a nurse basically glued to me. 2 metres apart, max. I couldn't go to the toilet nor shower in peace, they would open doors. I couldn't charge my phone myself, because they assumed I'd hang myself with the cord. Or perhaps electrocute myself - all kinds of stuff. Why did I do it? The usual. Depression. I felt, and still feel, like my time on this earth is running shorter. I hate living, I hate the life I have built for myself - and I'm too strapped in to it to change it. Though I am trying. Even so, I feel like I am living on borrowed time. I look around each day and feel like I wish it had been curtains for me. Nothing is right. Anyhow.

Not 7 days later, my greatest friend and unrequited lover ditched me. He is struggling with his own problems, but it really did feel like he just threw me aside suddenly, possibly because of my actions above. We used to talk for hours upon hours, he's the only person I ever felt like really knew me. We knew almost everything about each other. We used to talk about living on some island in Scotland and making a life together. But 5 years later and he's suddenly telling me that he knows I love him, and that he could never reciprocate my feelings nor be there for me in the ways that I need. He prompted me to block him, and I did, followed by unblocking him because I couldn't deal. Then he blocked me everywhere instead. So that has been...a nightmare to properly deal with. The grief has been intense. I honestly don't know how to get through each day besides copious amounts of distractions.

Furthermore, my mother, an alcoholic with severe mental health issues, has gone missing. I have contacted everyone, called, rung the police. There is no sign of her anywhere. I have been stressed to hell and back for it. She has done this many times before, and maybe will many times in the future...but if you've been through this, you know the thought is no comfort. She could be out there somewhere, she could be dead. I don't know.

All in all, I am really struggling. I have no one to turn to right now. Life has been horrid. And I am sad, so terribly sad about each part of this. All the while I have been spending my time at a dead end job that has been very cruel to me despite these events.

I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this. Perhaps just a little digital hug, someone to keep me and my mother in their thoughts. I hope whoever is reading this is surviving out there.

TL;DR - Nearly died by suicide, followed by hospitalisation. No privacy. Best friend and unrequited lover decides to leave me because he cannot be there for me any longer. Mother goes missing, her whereabouts are unknown. Struggling to deal, need hugs :(

https://www.reddit.com/r/self/s/Osl8TdophQ

Made that post 3 weeks after quitting vaping.

It was the first week of april that I quit so right now its slightly over 6 months.

I haven't owned a vape since. Ive had nicotine though, maybe 3-5 times in the last 6 months. If a friend or coworker had cigarettes or a vape I would bum a hit or a cig.

This is exactly where I wanted to get back to. I love nicotine the rush is great especially in certain situations where you want to essentially get high for a moment but then go right back to work after.

But I don't want to carry a vape in my pocket, I don't want to consider waiting 2 hours for my next hit as a huge victory, i don't want to NEED it or be so addicted that most of the time the hits don't even do anything.

I didn't touch nicotine for like 2 months after I quit in april, so I had nicotine 3-5 times between June and September.

My last hit was over a month ago. Its no big deal. If i get an opportunity in the future, and I feel like having a drag, i will take it. If i go 6 months without having the opportunity, i don't care. If i have a couple drags a week for a month straight, i don't care.

Im finally free. Because freedom to me isnt freedom from nicotine, its freedom from addiction.

The problem is that moderation does not exist. You buy a vape and it has enough juice to keep you lifted for 2 weeks. Hitting a single vape from 100% until 0% is basically a 100% chance youre buying a second one. Same with cigarettes. You buy a pack of 24 and it takes you a week plus to smoke them, when that pack is gone you will already be chemically dependent on it.

That's literally my story 3.5 years ago when I got hooked. My friend got himself a vape, i was like oooh let me hit that, but we spent so much time together that I was hitting it basically every time he did.

But at the end of the day id go home without a vape and be fine. It was when I finally bought my own and started hitting it 24/7 that I was cooked. "I'll buy my own vape this one time" turned into a 3 year addiction.

Anyway I dont have any advice or anything this is just some shit that happened to me. I guess if anything, I will say this. It was easier than I expected to get to this point. It was like 2 weeks of struggling then- i haven't felt an urge since then and im in control. Just do it man

I’ve been thinking about something about myself and the way I’ve lived my life.

As long as I can remember, I’ve been a very quiet and withdrawn person. In school, I was the weird, quiet kid. I didn’t really talk to people or have friends, and I never participated much in class. I would often just look at the clock, stare somewhere, think about random things, and wait for the class to end so I could go home.

Even outside school, I didn’t really do much. Most children would go outside and play or develop hobbies, but I never really did any of that. I didn’t draw, play a sport, or have anything I was particularly interested in. At home, there were often fights, so I mostly stayed by myself. I think I’ve lived a very isolated life for a long time, and eventually I became used to it.

What bothers me now is that I never really questioned any of this. I never stopped and thought, “Why can’t I focus in class?” or “Why am I not talking to people?” or “Why am I not developing any interests?” I just accepted it as the way I was.

The same thing continued throughout college. I never developed a habit of studying consistently. I would mostly study right before exams and get average or sometimes bad grades. I couldn’t concentrate on someone speaking for an hour because I had never really developed that ability. I also struggled with communication and socializing, but instead of actively trying to improve, I mostly avoided situations where I had to do those things.

I think I’ve developed a very strong habit of avoiding effort.

And I’m realizing that this has affected almost every area of my life. I haven’t consistently worked on my English. I haven’t kept myself updated with what’s happening in the world. I haven’t developed many hobbies. I haven’t really explored what I like or what I’m capable of. There are so many things I don’t know simply because I never made an effort to learn them.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve become empty-headed because of this. I don’t mean that I literally have nothing in my head. I mean that I haven’t built up the knowledge, experiences, interests, skills, or confidence that I see in other people my age.

And now I’m 25, and I’m becoming painfully aware of the gap.

I also feel like I’ve spent a lot of my life just letting things happen to me instead of actively participating in my own life. I’ve had setbacks and difficult experiences, but I also know that I’ve used avoidance as a way of dealing with things. I’ve become so used to doing nothing that even when I have time and genuinely want to change, I struggle to make myself do anything consistently.

That is what scares me the most.

It’s not that I don’t know what I should be doing. I know. I’ve known for a long time. I’ve told myself these things hundreds of times. I know I should study, read, improve my English, develop hobbies, socialize, stay informed, and actually make use of my time.

But knowing hasn’t changed my behaviour.

I’ve had the last eleven months with a lot of free time, and I keep thinking about how much I could have done during this period. I could have learned so much, developed skills, read books, explored hobbies, improved my English, or simply become more engaged with life. Instead, I’ve spent a lot of that time doing very little and scrolling.

So I think the real problem isn’t that I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m very aware of it.

The problem is that I’ve spent so many years living passively that effort, consistency, curiosity, and participation don’t come naturally to me anymore.

And now I’m realizing that if I keep living this way, I’m going to keep getting older while nothing fundamentally changes.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being the person who stays quiet, avoids things, waits for life to pass, and then regrets not having participated in it.

I think I need to learn how to actually participate in my own life.

I used chatgpt to frame my words properly :/

I used to draw a lot growing up but haven't at all in recent years. plus everyone's posts these days are some digital art that they've made. I don't think mine would have looked good at all if I drew irl and posted photos of it.

finally getting my very first drawing tablet. this raw and untapped potential for absurd ideas and political cartoons must flow. I need to channel this bottled up creativity or I'm going to fucking snap

Everyday I have to get up and do something I don't want to do I have to study constantly I've been studying geometry for days and I still don't understand it I'm tired of this I just want to die

Even if someone chooses me, I will always wonder if it was because they wanted me or because they had no one better to choose.
I wonder how someone learns to believe they are genuinely wanted rather than simply being the only option left.

I mean completely alone. Nobody who cares about them. Nobody who would so much as show up to their funeral if it wasn’t in the same town. No family, no friends, no partner.

I grew up neglected and abused by my parents and isolated from my extended family. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t seem to keep friends in school until college. I spent most of my life existing with the knowledge that nobody loved me, and deeply feared that it would be my entire existence. I feel like my isolation has both given me a perspective people don’t tend to get until they’re older, but has also left me with a deep hole in my chest.

Humans want belonging. A child not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. Being metaphorically isolated from the village feels like a death sentence.

I reconnected with my extended family when I was 16. They’ve all been so incredibly nice and welcoming. Warm. But I constantly have my guard up around them. I can’t trust they won’t cut me off at random. I’m barely family, after all. They barely know me. At 18, a natural disaster had hit the area I lived in and my grandmother texting me to ask if I was alright was one of the first times I had experienced anybody having concern for me. It felt foreign and I rationalized it away by the idea that she had to ask to be polite. That she didn’t actually mean it.

I struggle to keep friends now. I’ll sometimes accidentally ghost friends for days or weeks at a time because I’m just not used to people wanting to talk to me.

People who romanize being alone, are usually talking about spending a day or two by themselves. With the knowledge they still have their family or friends to belong to. That they aren’t entirely alone in this world. They can’t even fucking imagine a life of complete isolation.