r/self

I've always heard that people get treated better when they're objectively attractive, and to an extent I have experienced this. Whenever I have lost a bit of weight and started strength training, I do notice that people start treating me better. Women smile at me more, people find reasons to continue talking to me, and people seem to be more friendly in general.

Well, I think I've now experienced this phenomena at its peak.

I recently started dating a woman who is extremely attractive. I was of course attracted to my previous girlfriends, but I just mean this objectively. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever gone out with, and one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed how much free shit we get when we're together, which is something I've never experienced before.

Last evening, at dinner, a waiter kept coming to our table and giving us glasses of wine on the house. It must have happened three times by the end of the evening.

We've gone to kiosks (convenience stores) where the card payment minimum is €10, but not for her. They'll say something like "oh, the minimum payment is €10, but don't worry about that". I have never gotten away with that.

We've also just generally had people do us favours like opening doors or making room on the sidewalk, in a way I don't usually experience.

She's told me that on two separate occasions she's had her seat upgraded in a concert, and recently someone randomly gave her a ticket to a museum.

I'm not complaining, of course. But this confirms to me the idea that the phenomenon of pretty privilege is very real.

I’m trying to make sense of a family situation that feels like decades of unresolved father/son issues finally spilling out.

My paternal grandfather has two sons. My uncle is the older one. He was always considered the more capable one growing up: good at school, ambitious, and very focused on getting ahead. When he was younger, he wanted to move overseas, first to the US, then Australia, then Japan. But for various reasons, those plans never really worked out.

During China’s opening-up period in the 90s, he started his own business and did very well for a while. His son studied accounting at a top university, joined a major company after graduating, and eventually moved into leadership. Later in life, my uncle also had a younger daughter in Hong Kong, which he believed would give her better options in the future.

My dad, on the other hand, was always treated as the “loser brother.” He struggled in school, got beaten by my grandfather for being mischievous or not doing well academically, and thought about quitting school as a teenager. His mother made him finish high school. He later left his state-owned workplace during the privatization era and eventually joined my uncle’s company. He worked extremely hard but was always at odds with my uncle and others, and was often disrespected and underpaid.

As my dad’s son, I didn’t start out looking much better in the family hierarchy. Unlike my uncle’s son, I got into a lower-tier college and majored in a “useless” liberal arts degree. At one family dinner, my uncle talked down to me about it. Later, when I decided to go overseas for graduate study and immigration, he dismissed that too, partly because he saw the country as a second-tier immigration option, “lesser” than the US.

But things eventually worked out. I did well academically, built a career, eventually moved to Canada, and now work in tech with a senior title. My son was born in Canada last year.

My uncle’s attitude changed during the process. He started to engage with my posts on social media, something that had never happened previously. At the time, I thought he was happy for me.

Over time, the family narrative seemed to shift too. At family gatherings, my grandfather started praising me for having the “most senior title” in the family. Another older relative said I was the one doing best among the younger generation. I don’t even enjoy this kind of praise, because it feels like the same toxic ranking system, just with me temporarily on the “winning” side.

Meanwhile, my uncle’s business has apparently been struggling for years and is now close to bankruptcy. His younger daughter received university offers from North America, but ended up staying in Hong Kong because overseas tuition was too expensive. At the same time, my uncle has become increasingly vocal about how “Western countries” are bad and how China is superior, even though he himself once wanted to move abroad and his family clearly considered overseas education.

Recently, my dad was preparing to visit me and meet my son. Before he left, my uncle insisted on hosting a family meal for him, even though my dad initially declined. My grandfather was invited too.

During the meal, my uncle apparently made his usual dismissive comments about the West. Then my grandfather made a comparison between my uncle’s grandson and my son, saying both seemed to be doing well by contrast. My uncle exploded and scolded my elderly grandfather loudly in front of everyone, asking why he would compare his great grandchildren like that.

My grandfather felt humiliated and stopped going to my uncle’s house for his usual weekly visits to see the great-grandson.

Now I’m sitting here wondering what to make of all this.

Part of me thinks my uncle is right that children shouldn’t be compared. But it also feels hypocritical, because comparison was fine when my dad and I were the ones being looked down on. It only became unacceptable when the comparison touched his own branch of the family.

I also wonder whether his constant China-vs-West comments are really about politics, or whether they’re a way of protecting himself from envy, regret, or loss of face. His own overseas ambitions didn’t work out. His daughter couldn’t afford overseas tuition. His business is struggling. Meanwhile, the “loser brother’s” son ended up building a life abroad and having a child there, which is something he had once wanted to achieve himself.

I’m honestly exhausted by the whole family status game. I don’t want my son to become another symbol in some multi-generation competition. I don’t want my career, immigration status, or child to be used as proof that one family branch “won.” I also don’t want cheap performance-based admiration from relatives who used to dismiss me.

I just want to live peacefully.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of East Asian family face culture, male status anxiety, or multi-generation comparison? How do you stay connected to family without letting your child or your life become part of the scoreboard?

Sorry if any parts sound a bit polished or unnatural. English is not my first language, and I used AI to clean up the wording.

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Set my WhatsApp status to "Not Available" yesterday.

Woke up to three passive-aggressive messages and a reputation I didn't even build.

I wasn't ghosting anyone. I wasn't avoiding clients. I was just... offline. Like a normal human who needed to step away for a bit. No emergency, no drama — just me not being reachable 24/7.

But in that silence, a client mentioned me to someone else. Who mentioned me to someone else. And now there's this version of me floating around conversations I was never part of:

"He didn't reply."

"Maybe he's avoiding us."

"Doesn't seem reliable."

I said nothing. My absence did all the talking.

How is this still the default expectation in 2026? Why does simply stepping away automatically translate to "I don't respect you" in people's heads?

Anyone else dealing with this? Or have we all just quietly accepted that being human is somehow unprofessional now?

A few days ago, I went from Hyderabad to my hometown for a family function. After spending two days there, I boarded a train back to Hyderabad. It was a long journey of around 6 to 7 hours, and by the time I arrived, I was already exhausted.

I booked a bike to return to my PG. But halfway through the ride, I suddenly started feeling extremely dizzy and weak. I asked the driver to stop somewhere because I genuinely felt like I couldn’t continue the ride.

He stopped by the side of the road, and thankfully, a watchman nearby noticed my condition and offered me a chair to sit on.

While I was sitting there trying to recover, a girl passing by noticed me and came over to check if I was okay. She offered me water and calmly asked where I lived. Then, without hesitation, she said, I will drop you safely.

At first, I refused because I didn’t want to trouble a stranger. But she kept insisting and even told the driver that she would take care of me. There was something very genuine and comforting about her, so I finally agreed.

On the way, she stopped at a bakery and made sure I ate something before continuing the journey. After that, she safely dropped me at my PG and left.

The strange part is, I don’t even know her name. If I saw her again today, I probably wouldn’t recognize her because I was barely aware of what was happening at that time. I was too dizzy and weak to thank her properly.

But even today, I think about that incident.

In a world where we are often taught to be careful of strangers, she reminded me that there are still genuinely kind people out there. People who help others without expecting anything in return.

Because of people like her, the world still feels a little safer and more beautiful.

Wherever you are, thank you.

TL;DR: I was feeling weak and dizzy after a long journey, and a random stranger went out of her way to help me get home safely. Her kindness is something I’ll never forget. Good people still exist.

“I want you to act more feminine” is what my mom said to me after not seeing me for years as I studied abroad. At first I shrugged it off but it’s starting to really sink in me.

I don’t normally wear make up or when I do its usually minimal like concealer and eyeliner. I wear the same comfy clothes over and over. Compared to my female friends who have a ton of clothes on their wardrobe and tries out different fashion each time we hang out.

I don’t necessarily feel bad about it, but my mom’s comment made me rethink about my styling choices. I admit that I never cared about how I present myself to others, because why do I need to?

Throughout my life I haven’t had the same experiences as people my age, like impressing a guy or be invited to a party. I wonder if I’m really missing out because I’m not feminine.

At the same time, I don’t care about dating or having an abundant social life, I’d rather become more stable with my own identity first before all that. I’m not surprised if I may come across a disinterested or giving off man vibes when meeting new people. Lately, I’ve even been questioning whether I’m attracted to men or even romantic relationships at all.

But now I’m teaching myself about beauty as I enter a new phase of getting a career and making myself employable. Does anybody here relate?

Going back into my apartment building after a very long day at work, it’s midnight, no dinner, trash hair day, trash outfit day, dehydrated, sweating, on my period and literally bleeding clear through my WHITE pants (severe), trying to carry a heavy ass Amazon box with my new microwave in it to the elevator, all while maintaining my sanity and as I struggle to hit the elevator button my thoughts are interrupted by this socially inept apartment resident who yelled HI, [NAME] at me robotically through the hall. I said “HELLO” very irritably and then they saw the blood and finally stfu. I got on the elevator. Jfc

Today I was at a grocery store and randomly saw my old best friend from high school. We used to talk literally every single day, knew everything about each other, and honestly I thought we’d stay friends forever.

But life happened. We slowly stopped texting, got busy, and eventually became strangers without ever having a real argument.

When we saw each other today, we both froze for a second. Then we did that awkward smile people do when they used to matter a lot to each other. We talked for maybe 2 minutes about work, life, the usual small talk… and then left.

The weird part is that someone who once knew every detail about my life now feels like a complete stranger.

I’ve been thinking about it all day. It’s crazy how some people can be such a huge part of your life and then one day they’re just… a memory.

She stated that Ivermectin could cure stage 4, pancreatic cancer. She also instructed me to a YouTube video that she says was life changing.

I am just dumbfounded. She is a well educated, excellent nurse from what I’ve seen and has been for a while. How does that statement come out of her mouth??
Am I the crazy one for being shocked?

If I say I like how a flower looks, and you say you’re a uniformed idiot that’s just concerned with aesthetics when this flower is this and that, and caused me and my pets this and that. No you’re the idiot for thinking my statement applied to you.

I’m so fucking tired of the internet with people thinking everything is about them. It’s like the bean soup situation when one lady on tik tok made a video about how bean soup is good, then the comments were filled with “what about me I don’t like beans” and “I’m allergic to beans” and “I don’t have beans”. It’s not about you, oh my god not everything has to apply to you.

Any long opinion post that I write out I always have like a long list of “exceptions” and “not talking about x and y…”, just not to get attacked. You can scroll, disagree or agree but don’t “what about me” or “what about my specific special situation” it. Sometimes I think it’s rage bait when I specifically say in a post for example “don’t mention fish I’m not talking about that”, and someone starts talking about fish. Are you illiterate or are you brain dead? My god.

I posted something yesterday complaining about my boyfriend and I noticed how a shit ton of 9+ years old accounts have dmed me asking personal questions such as “how old are you” or saying things such as “seems like your relationship is dying already”. I’m quite new on reddit and it might be that this is common and that’s just what people do on here but I find it odd that these individuals have the need to reach out to me privately instead of staying in the thread.

I know my sample size is exceptionally small, but with people i've worked with and my outside friend circle. People over 35 seem to complain about finances and expenses more even those that are single. While those under seem to have money to buy homes, travel regularly, own 2-3 dogs, multiple vehicles.

Like 2 people i know. Ones 28 he owns a house, has two dogs, 2 cars, motorcycles, he travels 4-5 times a year road trips in between, he is a trade worker so his income must be good however we live in a very expensive city 1br apartments start around 600k. Another she's 31 same situation as him, she never even went to college/uni, she just worked out of highschool and through connections she got a well paying job so understandable she never spent a cent on schooling and was just able to save since highschool. Her brother same thing, he worked for their dad and then just moved up in the company and then switched to a bigger firm, he only did a diploma in marketing for 2 years and he's now handling million dollar accounts for clients.

2 others are a couple but they have joint income so it's understandable.

My ex roommate even bought an apartment though far from the city, he can still comfortably afford the mortgage while still spending a LOT on luxury stuff. But he is also a trade worker. My brother in law is in the same field but he has no chance at being approved for a big enough mortgage to own.

Is this normal or just the people i've been encountering. I know the first four people had generational wealth to a degree. And most didn't waste money on post education apart from those in the trades.

The title sounds stupid for sure but I need to let this out somewhere. If you think It’s not that deep, maybe you’re right.
I’m relatively tall/average and slim but still a healthy weight, but my fat doesn’t really go to my lower body much, like bum or thighs. I’m not completely flat but nowadays I would be described as someone who ‘has no ass’.
Now, It’s not that I literally hate my butt. I like it, but I hate that It’s not desirable. I hate that I could never achieve what some girls have naturally unless I’d get a bbl, which I’m not trying to do. The gym can only do so much and It’s a bit exhausting to eat so much protein every day to keep up only to get an average sized behind. I hate that if someone would be interested in me I KNOW they don’t find my small ass attractive – rather It’s something to overlook and brush off because yeah, I don’t have a nice fat butt like most girls but “my personality makes up for it.” I hate that I literally can’t change not being perceived as attractive in today’s society, It’s weighing on me real heavy. I don’t want to talk to people who are interested in me because I know I can’t give them what’s good looking and considered the hottest feature of a woman’s body. I feel less of a woman and I hate that I let it affect me so much as well.

Edit: Boy why can’t I see any comments aside from in notifications 💀

tldr: I don't like drinking or smoking, but my friends love it. It is causing issues in our friendship and I don't know how to fix it, or how to change my mindset to be more accepting.

I've tried looking up posts of people with similar experiences or feelings, but the replies honestly just make me feel worse. I'm 18F with two best friends the same age, and in the past year we've gotten involved with things like every other kid our age. I grew up religious and never was around people who were drunk or high, and my only understanding of how people act while under the influence was from movies. Since I've experienced it for myself and seen how it actually makes other act, I've found that I honestly just don't like it at all. I hate how little control I have over my mind and body when I am high, and I get super paranoid every time always just wanting it to end. I haven't gotten drunk, but I assume it would just amplify those effects even more, so it doesn't sound appealing to me at all. My friends, however, love every part of it. I know I am the odd one out, so I really can't judge them because I know that they are the normal ones in this situation and that it is something wrong with me. Obviously I know that there is nothing wrong with abstaining from substances, and that I am really quite lucky to not have that pull towards them. My issue with this situation are the other problems arising from it.

For one, my friends are always high when I am with them, and I don't like how it changes them. I understand that they are free to do whatever they want and that them being high while we are together shouldn't affect the quality of our hang outs, but it just drives me crazy when their personalities change, they can't comprehend anything that is happening, I have to explain everything to them, or when they are always forgetting things that I tell them/interrupting me. It makes me feel like theres no use in even trying to get them to care about what I have to say. I know that them getting high to have more fun on their end is not something I should be taking offense to, but I literally cannot help it, and I have tried. Knowing how I feel while high does not make it any better, because I always feel completely distant from the world, having theeee shortest term memory possible, and forget almost everything once it wears off. Like, if that is how they feel while hanging out with me, it just doesn't feel authentic. But maybe I am just affected differently and they are able to be much more aware than I am... and I guess, for me, it is just a matter of awareness; I want mutual awareness in my connections with others to build genuine relationships. Maybe part of the issue lies solely in the fact that our minds work differently. Maybe they just don't require the same type of interaction to feel a connection. I do have ADHD and they don't if anyone has ideas on how that might correlate lol.

Also, since they are always high and know that (typically) I won't join them, I am always expected to drive. I do blame myself for setting that standard, as they would have no problem getting behind the wheel high. I just think that is sooo stupid and reckless, and I love my friends and would not want someone I care about driving high/drunk no matter how cognizant they swear they are. So basically, I am roped into being the designated driver because I'm lame, but I'm lame because I care.

Another issue, which arises from the other problems, is this weird hidden animosity for them that I can't shake. I LOVE my friends, I love hanging out with them, I do NOT want to drop them because of this, I WANT to be okay with them being high and drinking whenever they want because I know that it is normal. But for some reason, I just keep letting my frustration hold onto me and it has caused this issue where I can't help but get (secretly) annoyed when they tell me that they are high or when I can just tell, or when they talk about going to an event with alcohol so that they can get drunk. That secret annoyance will often seep through to my words or demeanor, and I can hear myself saying these backhanded things, feel like a bitch, and tell myself to stop, but for whatever reason it just continues to be a recurring issue for me. I know the obvious answer is to just talk to them, have a conversation about my feelings. But through the snippets of feedback I've gotten from my disinterest in these activities, they think I am just being a killjoy, which I AM, I just don't know why or how to fix it 💔

Finally, what made me write this post today was a text from one of my friends (best friend #1). We just graduated, and one of our other friends is having a party today. He said (in person) that I should come, but I was unsure if it was just because he let it slip that he was throwing it as he was talking to best friend #1. I only drew that inference because the details were posted on his close friends story on instagram, and I realized that I am not on it as it was not pulling up for me lol. Anywaysss that is unimportant. I texted best friend #1 asking if she was going, she said yes and asked if I was, and I told her how I was unsure if I was even invited or not, thinking maybe she could ask him if I could come (bc I do think he genuinely meant to invite me, just forgot to put me on the story). She replied by saying "well you wouldn't like it anyways because theres gonna be drinking." Like oooooooohhhhhhh okay I'll just stay home then hahhahaaha. I cant even be mad because I dug myself into this hole, but I don't wanna be in ittttt. No, I dont want to drink. No, I don't really find it enjoyable to be around drunk people. No, I dont really want to go just to be the designated driver. Like truly she is right, but I don't want my reputation to be this prude that you can't invite places because she doesn't wanna get drunk or high, but how else is my picture supposed to be painted if those are the details I'm giving people.

I think my actual, deepest desire would just be for drinking and smoking to not be normalized, and for my relationship with my friends to feel how it did before they started, but that is obviously impossible and only something that appeals to me and not the majority of the population. So I need to find another solution, if anyone has advice. I'm not sure if maybe it will just come with time orrrrr what. I know I need a mindset change, I just don't know how to get it. Pleaseee help I hate being the lame friend and I hate that I feel like I'm costing myself my friendships because of this indifference.

We talk on the phone or text but its always a lot of venting about their lives. Its quite repetitive, they'll talk about a problem, i listen, we work on it together and they figure out what to do next. This all happens in long phone calls and long texts.

Then it goes back to the same patterns, they didn't do what they said they'd do, or changed their mind, or whatever the reason is but they are back where they started and then vent to me about the same things again and again.

Everybody's lives are hard but I didn't sign up to be anyone's therapist and it seems like thats all I am to them. I don't have a huge circle of friends, just 2 close ones I've known for most my life.

I know nobody is 100% happy go lucky every day but thats not even what I expect.

Once in a while they'll ask me something about myself, and I answer them but it feels like they're not really listening or even paying attention. I had already told them about that event or thing but they talk like its the first time they heard about it. Thats when I realized they were probably not listening. I try to avoid talking about my struggles because its not a fucking competition of whose life sucks more.

This happened so many times, and I give them the benefit of the doubt every single time.

I used to think maybe they're going through something so lets not judge too harshly and be patient. Months and years of this, with a couple of friends that are "closest" to me.

And they're both the same. I distanced myself the past couple months to try not to be available all the time and even if I keep my communication to once every couple weeks, they still vent the same when we talk again. About the same shit again and again and again.

Back in my prime ... Lol.. there was no prime but looking back it was my prime .. I'm still in my 20's tho but I feel like I am too behind. So, back then I would participate in all the curriculum irrespective of the fact I knew how to or not. I remember it in series. I used to love doing running races because I had defeated one of the fastest runners from my class .. she used to defeat guys too. So I built confidence and I loved running races and in general sports were my thing. This was back in grade 3 or 4. Long story, it is. In short. Sports, arts, craft, singing, dancing, skits, studies, reading, writing too ( I do now too but it's not the same) - these are over the time from grade 3 till now. But after my 10th i got into science and went to the famous institution as you know it. There i faced relationship issues and consistent failure in the tests and I was sinking down deep and I didn't even realise I gained weight .. a lot of weight . ..like 30kgs... I didn't realise.. I saw myself but still didn't. I couldn't see. Crying all night.. and yk .. won't say, else it will be removed. That was a long distance for the record. I was depressed fr. I ate, didn't do drugs at all.. didn't know a pinch of it also.. so eat play games, watch phone all day, didn't study and cry... Again long cutting short .. I stopped doing everything. After COVID we came home, my parents really did hard work. I lost weight .. I was less cloudy , they didn't know anything that was happening with me. I shared nothing at all. I used to cry hiding and like crazy. Sometimes if they caught me crying, I would say exam pressure. I realised what looked of me. Anyways I am better not so much.. emotionally a lot better yes, but physically a long back to go.. and I wanna go .. I have started hobbies but medical profession you gotta balance . But no progress.. i want to buy I can't .. I think but I don't but I want to and I am stuck in this loop. I am in my internship .. lol I spoke so much I forgot the point. I mean I think it's my confidence or time or procrastination idk.. I am not able to make myself better .. I did comparing but I have a long way to go.

Hey guys, I’ve been meaning to talk about this because it has been bothering me for a while. I’ve been facing a lot of rejection and it has really been affecting me a lot. I feel people don’t understand why I take it so seriously, but I used to be really ugly growing up, and it wasn’t until after high school when I improved myself and felt better. When I tell someone who has better luck with dating they would just dismiss me or give me superficial guidance.

I feel I can have close friendships with girls, but if I make a move they would reject me coldly. I don’t think I’m a 10/10 but realistically I’m a 7/10 on a good day and 5’8 in height. Even after I improved myself, I still get rejected in a rude manner. One time my friend tried to put me on and the girl said no in a rude mannerand was doing all these gestures as if she was forced to go out with me, and I was like ‘ok wtf’ I have also tried dating apps and I have had absolutely zero luck, and haven’t been on a single date since 2024. Even if you would ask a girl if they would go out with me they would say no with no hesitation, and it sucks honestly and I hate that feeling of someone just rejecting you without second guessing it. I have also been given dirty looks or girls distancing themselves from me as if I’m harassing them whether I try to talk to them casually or just minding my own business.

I feel dudes with better genetics like height get better opportunities than me. This one dude who’s like 6’6 has all the girls gushing over him, and I’m not jealous but it makes me think about how unrealistic standards are nowadays. I feel I have confidence and I know I’m a decent looking guy but not enough for a girl to go out with me, and idk how to describe it tbh.

Im not fucking dr phil. I dont need you to ramble at me for 20 minutes while I nod and give one word responses and try not to be rude. Multiply those 2p minutes for everyone. I got to work an hour early and left an hour late because everyone NEEDS to tell .e about their personal lives and I dont want to be rude and burn bridges.

I just had a chemical pregnancy after trying for 7 months. My first time in 5 years I tested positive (that one also ended in a chemical pregnancy, but we weren’t trying).

It felt so real. I was 5 weeks and 2 days. I was having legit symptoms; nausea, headache, bloating, elevated RHR. I allowed myself to imagine my baby and my life moving forward into parenthood.

I woke up and my oura ring said my RHR returned to normal, temp was at 0 (baseline). I was worried but continued my day. I felt cramping and started bleeding shortly after. Immediate tears.

I am so so sad. The timing felt serendipitous. The due date was my husbands birthday. Our loss in 2021 was conceived on his birthday (lol) so it felt full circle.

My best friends are pregnant or just had a baby. Our babies would be in school together, we’d be going through this new phase of life together. Now I’m still left behind.

I want to stay hopeful but this loss feels like such a punch to the gut. Another month without pregnancy.

Faith and fear both ask you to believe in something you can’t see. I’m trying to continue to be positive and not feel defeated or naive for believing it would stick.

I I’ve noticed something in my surroundings. There are people who don’t really overthink life. They don’t stress too much about goals, plans, or trying to control everything. It feels like they just live more freely, without thinking too deeply about every detail.

What’s interesting is that even though they don’t seem to plan everything or analyze life much, things still somehow work out for them. They often look happier and more relaxed, especially in social situations, compared to people who overthink a lot.

When I try to be more like that, it doesn’t really work for me. I always end up thinking too much again.

Has anyone else experienced this or noticed the same thing?

That sentence could mean literally anything and somehow my brain immediately assumes I’m about to lose my job, my friends and my house at the same time