r/self

I can’t fucking do this y’all. I actually feel so much dread and fear. Like I’m actually shaking right now.

I think my earliest memory is from when I was 2, as identified by the presence of a cat that died when I was 2. It’s just a tiny snapshot. I’m standing there with the cat on Easter Day. I’m slightly suspicious of this one though because I believe someone may have been taking a picture, so it’s possible I just saw the picture later. BUT I swear I can remember that cat, and the other cat we had that died just a few months earlier I definitely don’t remember at all.

The first one I’m decently confident in was when I was (I think) 3 and my great-great grandmother died. I remember my Mom coming into my room and telling me, and then we drove to Louisiana for the funeral. I remember looking at the body in the funeral home. Enough details that I’m fairly sure it’s real, though admittedly those details would be easy enough to invent based on later accounts.

The first one I can swear to is getting my childhood dog when I was 4. I remember minor details that my parents have since confirmed to be accurate. Like, we got the red girl puppy, but there was another puppy there that was a black and white boy, but my dad didn’t want to get that one because we already had a Dalmatian and a tuxedo cat and people might think we were weird for having all black and white pets. Her original name was Rocks (though now I question if it may have actually been Roxy or similar and I just misheard). I wanted to call her Fluffy but we settled on Cinnamon. Pretty sure I didn’t make all that up lol.

What’s your earliest memory? How old were you and how much detail can recall?

And it never comes true. It's been years now.

I am 24F, and I have spend my whole life either studying or working and now that I have cleared my papers and already have a well paying job, how do I actually build my life? I have literally zero hobbies except for working out. I feel like I have actually opted out on growing up. I don't even know where to start. I don't have a driving license, no proper sense of fashion, haven't even gone on dates, avoid conversations. Most of my conversations are about work or study related stuffs and I feel like I am a really boring person so people don't want to befriend me or are friends with me just because they have no other options. I have lived really a minimalistic life. So I really want suggestions on how do I actually build my life.

I'm a guy and 5'2. I've always been kind of self-conscious about it, but I've gotten particularly worried about it lately. It's embarrassing to be the same height or shorter than middle school kids, and even shorter than my mom. It makes me feel unmanly.

What makes it worse is that people try to tell me that height doesn't matter, ignoring the numerous studies that show tall people are considered more attractive and make more money.

I genuinely don't know how I ended up so short. My mom is 5'5, my dad is 5'8, my maternal grandfather and his brother and dad were 5'11, and my paternal uncle and grandfather are 5'8. I know I was never going to be 6 feet, but I thought I would at least be taller than 5'2. Am I unusually short for my genetics?

So one time late at night I was on a game voice chatting with my friends, just brain rot and what not thing serious. I guess I should have known better because my parents said I'm not allowed to talk to anyone on the Internet (btw I'm homeschooled and I don't get to go out a lot so I had secret friends) they heard me and started banging on my door is calling out my name. My friend heard it before I did and that was embarrassing but anyway I eventually heard it and went out to check, they started questioning me right away. I don't know how to say this but I did piss myself I go so scared, just to add to the embarrassment. I started going on about how I would never leave them and crap, which yes i mean but I did lie a bit saying that I was messing around rather than hanging out with my online friends. Now, Everytime I hear a sound outside my door or loud talking I get extremely anxious and I feel like I'm doing something wrong even then I'm not. I'm just curious what you would call this. I do try grounding myself and that helps sometimes

went to a tennis thing. took group photo and looks ugly. everyone else looks normal. Took a video of me playing just so I can use that as feedback to work on strokes etc. posture was bad, back of my head there's a bald spot that I didn't noticed (scalp region) my face look mean and uninviting. and then I'm super self conscious because this is almost always someone's first impression of me.

I can't believe I've gone 35+ years not realizing this.

dam I am really intimidated looking (not in a good way) and not as handsome I thought I was even with proper grooming.

Everyone else looks great!

We see so many side hustles showed online appear very simple but what actually does work? And realistically it is close to whats displayed online?

Guys I'm getting a teensy bit tired of people saying American food isn't real or that the united states doesn't have a rich and delicious cuisine.

I think the reason people think we don't have food is that due to our economic influence our food happens to be everywhere. Your average McDonalds cheeseburger which exists in just about every country on earth is american food. No, it did not originate in hamburg. What originated in hamburg was ground beef slapped between two pieces of bread.

THe classic toasted sesame bun with a beef patty is entirely American.

For those unconvinced,

Hotdogs, deep dish pizza, philly cheeseteak, biscuits and gravy, fajitas, chimichangas, chocolate chip cookies, coke, BRISKET, texas BBQ, key lime pie, buffalo wings, the california sushi roll (yes variations of foreign food do count as american food), the reuben sandwich, and MORE.

There's a ton of delicious food that was created in the United States and it's a completely valid take to say that the U.S. food is the best (since that's subjective)

I have no passion for anything. It is scary what has happened to me. I have gone from a passionate woman who had lots of hobbies and enjoyed the little things to someone who doesn’t want to even step out, go for a walk, grocery shop or chat to people. I don’t know why that is. My dad passed away few months ago and since then i just feel like i have lost my childhood (mum passed away a decade ago). I don’t want to go out with my husband anymore, he tries to get me to go out with him and dine out. I don’t find any joy except sitting at home. What could it be and is there a way to get out of this? Have you experienced something similar?

I genuinely think they might even be trying to hasten our decline in every facet of our collective well-being.

Does anybody else feel this way? I mean, it's obvious that they don't give a shit about the environment or really anything that improves the condition of the common person.

Shouldn't we...I don't know....do something about it? Anything?

Fuck work.

I am so angry.

3 fucking years of working hard for this company. I crashed my car this weekend, sent a PHOTO and got the following response from my director:

“Thanks for update, I must say I am somewhat surprised you found the car undriveable this morning but not all the way back from the Peak District? Let’s discuss tomorrow.”

I sent photo evidence of my car literally crashed and I hope he understands it’s more inconvenient to me than him.. it’s costing me thousands. FOR CONTEXT, my car is completely fucked.

Fuck work and fuck them all.

Genuinely so sick of this life.

I have been diagnosed with depression and BDD for a little over a year now. I have been on different antidepressants, all of which didn’t work. I went to apparently one of the most qualified and well researched therapists in my area, and he didn’t help me a bit. I took a year off of uni, and skipped my final chance at resits. I just emailed the uni if I could retake year 1, but I doubt they will say yes due to the grace they have given me and the deadline having already passed.

I want nothing more than to feel something, even sadness, especially since my life is crumbling all around me (and the fact that I am probably kicked out of uni). All I feel is a blanket of apathy, literally having no feeling regarding anything ever. If my past self saw where I was today she would hate me. I have no interests, no hobbies, and barely any friends anymore due to me not caring to maintain relationships. I no longer even get pleasure from food, and my weight has plummeted.

The only time I feel anything is when I think about life 10 years ago, when I think was one of the happiest periods of my life. I keep having a recurring thought of a genie appearing in front of me and letting me go back to the summer of 2016.

I know I am a failure and lazy and all the things, but seriously nothing can motivate me to do anything. I am scared this is an ingrained part of me and I will be living like this the rest of my life due to no treatment working. If that’s true, I will not put myself through it and torment my family with my failure and just end it all. I am truly just pathetic.

I'm at a customer's office today and it's not far from where my dad is buried so I decided to stop by. This is my third time here and second time I found the grave. The problem is he has no tombstone. My uncle was nice enough to bury him over my grandmother's. Which is free and probably illegal. So I look for someone else's name and when I find it, the freshly dug hole my uncle left has now grown over with grass. When the soil was fresh I knew he was there, but now there's no sign at all. I hate that. I want to make something small and stick it in the ground but I don't know what. So I stare at someone else's name and know the last physical bits of him are in the ground there. Not really my dad. Just some dust mixed with soil.

My dad's relationship with his new grave roommate, my grandmother, was complicated. He often swung between the torment she put him through and missing her so much. I never knew if I was on her side or against her. She died when I was 8 so I never got to know her, but she sounds wonderful. Or dreadful. I could never really tell. I never thought about her much because I didn't know her. Heard stories but never put too much into it. Now I've seen her grave twice this year, which is a big jump considering the last time I was here I was 8 and the soil was freshly dug.

The last time I came here it was cold and rainy and I lost it pretty quick. Seeing the dirt moved from the recently dug hole was painful. Today I look at it and feel disappointed. Someone who meant so much to me is in an unmarked grave. Not even unmarked. He's couch surfing on the grave of a woman who had him so conflicted for years after her own death.

The empty space next to my grandmother's grave is reserved for my grandfather, who showed no sign of occupying it up until a year ago when he checked into the hospital only to check out months later significantly lighter and without a pulse. Soon he'll be buried here and I'm sure there will be a ceremony and I'll be forced to come back to this same place where my dad's ashes lay unrecognized.

Graveyards are a weird thing. I write this from my car parked alongside thousands of dead people, so oversaturated with graves you can't make out the names in a sea of tombstones. Even if my dad had a tombstone he would be one in ten thousand in this cemetery alone. No one but me would recognize it when they passed by to look at the memorial to the person they lost. I passed fifty walking to his borrowed site and couldn't tell you the name of one. Each person existed, did things, made mistakes, made impressions and was buried. Acres and acres of stories reduced to a well organized dump.

Maybe I'll have one of these someday. Or maybe I'll be sprinkled in a hole over someone else's.

I hope I can exist past this life in more than some marble on a lawn.

I’m 15 years going into sophmore year & I have an autistic brother who’s 6 years old. My brother is very high on the spectrum and he requires a LOT of needs. He harms himself & others, makes loud noises, and overall needs a lot of attention and care.

I have sacrificed a lot for my brother such as my teenage life. I always had to first ask myself “ who would watch …..” “ if it’s on a weekday I can’t go” and “ I need to take him with me”. It’s honestly so mentally draining because all I do is go to school and spend hours watching him and my other 2 siblings. I don’t even have time to do my homework sometimes.

I sometimes blame him and my parents but it’s irreversible. My freshman year I attempted to play softball which was successful but I often had to come home early or all in all not attend because my older sister had work or my parents would not be able to watch him. I was always angry because out of 3 seasons I couldn’t even do 1 season without me having to constantly miss practice.

Now, it’s my SOPHMORE year and I’m trying to play soccer which is a fall sport. The first week is going good because it’s before school thing and practice/tryouts are going from 9-noon.
Now, I looked at my calendar to next week & realized that it would go from 2:30 - 5:00 due to teachers going back to school & practice ending after school when it starts.

Now I’m sad because my brother’s bus comes at 4:00 & I would have to walk 30 minutes back home for that. My mom’s work is at 3:30 - 11:00, my dad’s work differentiates, my sister is in college now, and my younger siblings are still in elementary school and they arrive later.

I do not want to quit soccer, it’s the first time I’ve felt happy and not missing out. What should I do ?

Not my parents, not my sister [ESPECIALLY my father] no classmates, no so called "friends", no teachers, no strangers (obviously), no people in my neighbouhood

They all hate me for either no reason or just hate me for who i am and what i represent

NOBODY wants me to succeed

Nobody likes me or loves me

Nobody wants good things for me

Nobody wants me to study or work hard

Nobody wants me to chase my goals

Nobody wants me to be confident

Nobody wants me to have a good life

Nobody wants me to have good grades or get in a good college

Nobody wants me to have friends

Nobody wants me to be happy

Nobody wants me to be ANYTHING good

And i have let them make me insecure and underconfidemt and depressed and i have let them give me imposter syndrome for all my life so far

BUT NOT ANYMORE

Everyone has been hating me and trying to bring me down from the moment i was born - my mom and dad used to tell me i was gonna be a failure - all my teachers said so

My sister used to make fun of me and agree

And i was very bad at school and public speaking for years

But i was always an ambitious kid

I started working hard - i got better grades than my sister and all the kids in my neighbourhood who the teachers liked and hated me

And started participating in debates

And now i see who they really are - THEY HATE ME NOW - my sister doesnt even talk to me anymore

My mom and dad dont even acknowledge me

My teachers dont tell me anything

They cant say bad things, they wont say anything

AND TBH NOW I FEEL MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER

THEIR HATRED FILLS ME WITH JOY

I want them to be miserable sacks of shit for the rest of their lives

Just one more year

I am going to be wildly succesful in my final year of school get into a top college

AND THEN I WILL BULLY THEM

FUCKING RATS

WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME? I was just a kid a fucking toddler and my parents have been discouraging me and hating me ever since and telling me im good for nothing

I AM SMARTER THAN ALL THESE PEOPLE

I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR

THEY ARE GOING TO HATE ME EVEN MORE

AND I WILL LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT

I AM GOING TO BULLY THEM, TELL THEM EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW USELESS AND WORTHLESS THEY ARE - and they will know its the truth

I'm not "out". You never get "out". You might one day no longer meet the diagnostic criteria, but the trauma stays with you. But I have healthy friends, healthy habits. I'm medicated. I did a year of DBT group thearpy and I read my DBT book every night. I have a great therapist who holds me accountable.

I had two run ins with other BPD people earlier this year. They broke my heart. One of them is in the "he can tell something's wrong" stage but is too proud to fix it. He goes from friend group to friend group, and romantic partner to romantic partner he entrances them, he causes a huge amount of toxicicity and drama, and then he's kicked out. The other one is the same, except I don't think he's even aware that he's the problem at all.

They're both running out of people. They look more miserable every time I see them. I think one of them might be self harming.

It sucks. Like don't get me wrong, it's their responsibility to deal with their trauma and their issues and they're not. I was the same at one point, and it's not their fault but it's their responsibility. But I've been there. It's awful finding people over and over again, and thinking "I've found my people!" or even worse "I've found my person!" and then be rejected, even if you're the problem.

I wish I could help them. I obviously couldn't tell them they were BPD (I think one of them knows) but I recommended DBT to both. I'm tempted to try to make friends with them but even as a late recovery BPD person making friends with other BPD people is dangerous.

I wish I could help them.

Man in my 30s here, living in the north eastern US.

I have been openly gay my entire adult life, and for a long time felt comfortable in that. Over the past two or three years, though, i've been increasingly feeling a disconnect with that identity.

My romantic and physical interest in men has totally declined. It's been a time of deep self discovery and reflection, and I feel the more I know myself, the less I identify with being gay. It's this weird scenario, where I don't actually what my sexuality to shift or be fluid, but I cannot deny the fact any more that it is.

I have read that sexuality can be fluid and can change a bit as you go through life, this honestly seems a bit extreme though. Idk. Just really needed to write it out.

I honestly thought that taking time and giving myself space to heal and set healthy boundaries would have a positive impact on my life, but people are starting to treat me like I've turned into the biggest asshole. This just makes me question my worth all over again because contrary to public opinion, the real world doesn't seem to care about mental health.