r/self

I work at a late-night pharmacy in South Korea.

One of the strange things about the job is that you sometimes see people at their worst.

Last Monday night, I realized I wasn't seeing the whole person.

________

It was last Monday night.

Not even a weekend, but two people came into my pharmacy with red faces, looking for hangover medicine.

One of them is, I guess, a regular customer.

I don't see him often during normal days. But when he drinks a lot, he comes in. Almost every time.

He picks up a hangover drink and some pills, and sometimes he tries to take them before even paying.

But his hands don't work well because he is drunk. The pills fall on the floor. The drink spills. Sometimes half of it.

And I have to be honest. Every time I saw him like that, I felt uncomfortable.

I would think,

"Oh, he drank a lot again."

"Why does he drink that much?"

When you run a pharmacy, drunk customers are not that rare. Especially at night.

But with him, I always became a little tense when he came in.

That night, my husband called me.

"Are you busy?"

"No... not really. That patient I told you about is here."

"Your voice sounds bad."

"He just spilled the drink again."

There was a short silence.

Then my husband said,

"Be kind to him."

I said, "What do you mean?"

"He's a sad person."

"..."

"He drinks because he's sad."

I couldn't say anything for a moment.

My husband and I don't really drink.

Actually, almost never.

So I don't know how he said that so quickly. I don't know where that sentence came from.

But it stayed with me.

After I went home that night, I suddenly remembered a scene from The Little Prince.

The Little Prince meets a drunkard.

"Why do you drink?"

"To forget."

"Forget what?"

"Forget that I am ashamed."

"Ashamed of what?"

"Ashamed of drinking."

I hadn't thought about that chapter for a long time.

But that night, it came back.

Maybe I had only been seeing the drinking part.

Not the sad part.

Not the person before he walked into my pharmacy.

I still don't know his story.

I don't know what he wants to forget.

But since that night, when he comes in, I think I will try to be a little less tense.

Maybe just a little kinder.

I was talking to a friend of mine who recently got married. Her husband had to convert to Judaism in order for them to be married. Had friends do similar things with Catholicism. Their spouses don't actually believe in their new converted faith. I find this ironic because twice in the Bible (Exodus 20:2-17 and Deuteronomy 5:6-21) people are instructed not to lie. I personally think that established religion does way more harm than good and has absolutely absurd rules. But I wondered if anyone else found this disingenuous and ironic.

Any ideas to cheer up this miserable Monday? I ate my cereal on the back porch while it was still 74 degrees this Morning, but what else can we do?

Office job people, what music are we listening to, what small joys are we using to get through the day?

I would probably be the guy that hides the bite under the sleeve. Depending on how fast the rate is, I'd probably spend the next few secs/hours/days still with the group, checking to see if they'll be fine and say goodbye in my own way. Then when I get noticeably sicker, I'd disappear and isolate myself, probably cry, then either let myself turn or end it all before I do. Depending on the circumstances I'd either tell only a few people or tell no one and just end it my way. Is that so bad?

stopped initiating plans 14 days ago. not a single text. no "you alive?". nothing. turns out i wasn't a friend, just the logistics manager of the group. it's wild how fast you become a ghost the second you stop doing all the heavy lifting.

Im not sure if theres a better place to post this but here we go :D

So my mom always has said from time to time said stuff like "im soo tough and rough becuase xyz" (usually becuase her parents didnt care and let her run around her neighborhood alone or becuase she went to military school for highschool, which dont get me wrong military school is probably hard and rough.)

But within the past like 3-2.5 years ish its ramped up. I also want to mention we are american.

I am not joking, she goes on Facebook and pretends to be irish. She even in real life calls out people for being "plastic paddys". I wish I was joking. She also (in private thank god) calls herself a "irish gangster" becuase she listens to irish punk music. She refuses to listen to any other punk music too, and most of it is the ai generated "viking music" on Spotify. I feel like this is a scrapped comedy script but she actually does this😭.

She also (again in private thankfully) jokes how shes comming to hell to "replace satans throne" or something like that. I have to hold in laughter sometimes becuase she very clearly (atleast anymore) isint a "fighter" or "gangster". Unless i missed something and watching fox news and listening to irish punk suddenly means your a gangster.

And dont get me wrong I do love her! But its silly and I know if I call her out shes gonna throw a mild tantrum (as she does that often).

I just wanted to share and maybe someone can relate lol

I feel like it's always just something to overcome. Is there even any benefit to it at all?? (like even in nature)

On May 26th I started getting a stuffy and a cough. Throughout the day my breathing got a little worse. Overnight my breathing got worse. I was up every hour or so to pee and had to stop constantly to catch my breath. By morning I couldn't even help my husband get my kids ready for school because I was so short of breath. I told my husband to call the ambulance and he laughed and said he would take me. I actually started crying and I told him i felt that I would die before he could get me there. He thought I was being dramatic. Anywho he called them and when they got here my o2 was 81. I had also done 3 duo new breathing treatments before they got there. On the way to the hospital they got me on oxygen and did 4 or 5 breathing treatments. Once I got to the the hospital they gave me another 12 breathing treatments. They started me on high flow oxygen becayse they couldn't get my oxygen above 80 but I started having a panic attack and freaked out having the high flow oxygen on. The Dr came in and said we only have 2 more options left and I told him that I didn't care about the second option I told them to just put me on a vent and to please just save my life while I was strong enough to beat it. Everything went super fast after that and all I remember is signing a paper, then they told me to take a few deep breaths while I was strapped to the wheelchair, then they told me to cough and were asking how I was feeling and whatnot. I guess they life flighted me 2 hours south to a better bigger hospital that had a professional team that specializes in vent patients. Then told me that I had been in a coma and intubated for the last 3 days. I was very out of it. It took quite a while to figure out where and who i was. I know i cried a lot because I missed my husband and kids. They couldn't make it down to see me because qe didn't have the gas money for then to drive 2 hours away. I cried off and on all night. Anyway, the next day they said they wanted to move me to general admission but asked if I wanted to be m9ved to north country hospital in Newport vermont because that was my original hospital. I told them yes please send me home so I can see my family. So a few hours later they sent me closer to home. I stayed there another 4 days. Once I was fully weaned off oxygen they let me got home. I looked at my charts once home and kind of functioning a little bit and it says that I had acute hypoxic lung failure, sepsis, exasperated by asthma and it was all brought on by rhinovirus and enterovirus. Anyway it has now been just over a month since then. My kids have had 2 more viruses since then but luckily I haven't gotten anything else. I went back to work 2 weeks afterwards. My brain has been struggling. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I am in an alternate universe. It's not as bad as it used to be but it still very prominent. Also my temper is very short with every one. I quit smoking cigarettes and pot all at the same time I threw everything away and made my husband smoke outside. Then he started smoking inside and in the car with me so I started slowing taking a couple drugs of cigarette every now and then and became addicted again. I have for the most part only had about five cigarettes a day for the last week. I am quitting again tomorrow because I have a pulmonology appointment on Tuesday and I need to get through this. I also started drinking again because I couldn't handle things anxiety and overthinking and Nightmares and night terrors I've been having. Yesterday I am July 4th I had my second panic attack since coming home from my breathing incident and being on life support. It took a lot out of me and I was exhausted and didn't feel well. This morning I didn't feel well but still went to work and worked 5 hours before I had to come home because it was just too much. My husband is my boss and supervisor so he said I could go home but I had to go back and pick him up at 5:00 when he got off work. I am struggling every single day and it seems like my therapist keeps avoiding me. I know it's not all about me all the time. But it seems like every time I have an appointment with her she always cancels at the last minute. So I have not seen her or talked to her since June 1st the day I got out of the hospital. I had an in person appointment with her that day and decided to do a zoom moving instead because there was no way I could go in the office literally 30 minutes after getting released from the hospital. The last two times I've tried to meet with her she has canceled. I have an appointment with my doctor in 2 days and I'm thinking about asking him for some kind of mood stabilizer also maybe changing my antidepressants because it seems like Celexa isn't doing anything for me anymore. I cry at the drop of a hat when for the last 18 years of being on it I never cried over anything and now I cry over everything. I know that I need to taper off slowly so I will talk to him about that but I would like a mood stabilizer to go with an antidepressant to try to figure out how I can make my family more comfortable because I have not been myself everybody knows I haven't even I know I haven't and I really just need help. Also I need something to go without for anxiety that is not buspirone because buspirone only takes the edge off but I'm still having panic attacks. Also I can't sleep and I am having nightmares I used to take Ambien in Arizona every 4 years because my trazodone would stop working so I'm thinking maybe I need to do that for 3 months like I used to do or IDK maybe he can give me something else to go with all my other meds. I'm scared to try anything new because a lot of times it really messes with my head and makes me think things I don't want to.

I mean, no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking. Some even avoid carbs like the plague. I just want to know, how does it feel not having your brain all messed up that you don't require any substance to feel better? No shade to everyone who follows a healthy lifestyle, kudos to you for being happy that way, I just can't imagine that being me.

Edit: Thanks everyone for their thoughtful answers, I wasn't expecting the amount of engagement this got. I have read most of you and I want to send everyone who struggled or still struggles with mental health or substance abuse big hugs and sincerely hope everything goes your way moving forward.

I stopped replying in our group chat for a week.

No drama. I just wanted to see if anyone would notice.

Nobody did.

But my bank app, Reddit, and Duolingo all reminded me I’d been gone.

Strange feeling when algorithms check on you more consistently than people who say they care.

I was born into a really loving middle-class family. I was somewhat neglected as a child, but it wasn't bad enough to fuck with me that much. Tons of people have similar childhoods and turn out okay. I have mild autism and ADHD, but again, a lot of people manage to thrive with those conditions. Even though I'm awkward as hell, I could at least get good grades in school. I could have studied in a good university in my country when I graduated. My family would have covered everything. But after I was bullied in high school everything went to shit. But again, lots of people survive that. And my family was incredibly loving and did so much to help me. But for some unknown reason... I couldn't appreciate the help? I couldn't take the hands that were offered to me. My sister got me to see one of the best psychologists in this country for social anxiety and... I missed two sessions. I didn't do anything with it. To be fair at that point I got bullied again and my dad kept pushing me to go regardless which ended with me trying to kill myself. I guess I didn't go because I had already given up at that point. But the pattern didn't end there. I saw like 4 other psychologists after that and I couldn't accept the help that was offered to me.

My family is burned out from all my bullshit. I love my older sister, she was like a mother figure for me when I was a young kid, and even though she moved early to study in another city, she traveled all the time and she bought toys and other things for me. She loved me so much, and I'd like to think I love her too, but how does that make sense when for so many years I... avoided her. Didn't talk to her. To the point where she seems to have given up on me. To the point where... I'm rotting in my bed and wasting away in my room all day, and she keeps her distance, not because she hates me or anything, I know she doesn't. But because I. I PUSHED HER AWAY.

And there's been so many stories like that in my life. I'm sick. I'm allergic to connection. To... taking the hands of other people. How can I live like this? How can I deal with all of the loneliness in my heart, with all the wasted opportunities, with a regret that consumes me, in a hell I built for myself? I know depression distorts thoughts, but when you're a 22 year old man, who doesn't do anything at all, who is a burden on his elderly father and who's wasted all the help given to him, I don't think it's a distortion to think that that person is just a weight in the family. Not too different from a relative in a coma they'll never wake up from. I'm just the corpse of a kid who they once loved, but who turned out faulty and now it's just an empty body who can only suffer.

Why? Why did I do all this to myself? Why do I hate myself so much? I wish I were brave enough to free myself from this pain.

Lately, I’ve been feeling really off about my friendships. When I’m going through something, I open up honestly and share what’s happening in my life. But when I ask them the same things, I barely get anything back—just “I’m fine” or very surface-level answers.

It makes the whole bond feel one-sided, like I’m the only one putting in emotional effort. What bothers me even more is that they know so much about me, while I barely know anything about what’s going on with them. It’s starting to feel less like a mutual friendship and more like my privacy is being exposed without that same level of trust in return.

I don’t understand why someone would ask me personal questions if they’re not willing to be real themselves. Over time, it’s making me regret opening up, and I can feel myself slowly pulling back and putting up walls—not because I want to, but because it doesn’t feel fair or genuine anymore.

I stopped going to my usual grocery store for two weeks.
No big reason. I was just tired. The kind of tired where even being seen by people feels like work.
Today I went back, and the cashier looked at me and said, “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while. You okay?”
I laughed and said yeah.
Then I sat in my car and cried.
Because a random cashier noticed I was gone before any of my friends did.
That’s such a weird kind of loneliness. Not being completely alone, but realizing most people only notice you when you keep showing up.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I guess I just wonder how many of us are surrounded by people who don’t really see us.

They always say some bullshit about wanting to be “left alone” or “no politics” then actively try to repeal the civil rights acts, treat poor people like garbage, etc, all under the guise of “only supporting the second amendment” or some other bullshit. You’ll literally see people pull this exact kinda stunt in this very subreddit and it’s tiresome. Mods, stick to your rules and ban these dudes.

I’m a 26F. I have an MBA and worked in HR.

I spent four years at my first company. Looking back, I feel like I wasted those four years. It was my first job. Even though it was a lower-paying job, it still took me a long time to build up the courage to leave. Even now, thinking about that place still traumatizes me. But last year, I finally quit.

Then I joined another company. The only reason I joined was because it offered work from home. I desperately needed some space and some peace. But my manager constantly picked on me and spoke to me disrespectfully. I don’t even have the words to explain what that experience felt like. I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I resigned.

The day I quit, I cried.

The last time I resigned, I completely panicked. I looked into moving to another country, starting a business, or starting to study something again, and changing my entire life because I felt like everything was falling apart.

But this time was different.

After those first few days of crying, my mind just went quiet. I feel blank.

At first, I applied everywhere and answered recruiters’ calls. Then I kept applying for jobs but stopped answering the calls. Now I don’t even apply anymore. It’s been two months now. I don’t feel any motivation to apply for jobs anymore.

I’ve also realized that I don’t want to stay in HR anymore. But I don’t have any other talent, so what am I going to do? IDK.

Being a woman myself, I’m saying this: almost all of the people who made my work life miserable were women. They were cunning, toxic, and mentally exhausting. They mentally exhausted me in every way possible. These experiences have left me carrying a lot of fear and anxiety.

I feel like my MBA was a waste. I keep thinking that if I had spent those years learning something else, maybe I would have had more choices instead of feeling like a complete loser.

I’ve stopped talking about all of this with my family because I don’t even know what to say anymore. Right now, I genuinely can’t picture myself going back to a 9-6 job. It doesn’t feel like me anymore.

But I can’t stay at home forever doing nothing. I need to earn money. This is the first time in two months that I’ve actually written down exactly how I’m feeling. Even talking or thinking about jobs feels like a burden now.

I feel completely lost.

I don’t know if this is burnout, trauma, depression, or something else.

I still feel full of energy. I moved to the other side of the world 4 years ago and I feel like I’m starting from 0. But now I feel frustrated because it’s time to decide if I want to be a mother. What happens is that I have not yet resolved my work or professional situation nor do I have a house. For this reason I do not feel prepared to face the responsibilities of a 35-year-old. I would like to continue traveling and experimenting but something tells me to stop and take root. Anyone else in this situation?

I have a random question because I’m genuinely curious if anyone else is like this….

Does anyone else absolutely love being alone… but isn’t actually an introvert?

I genuinely enjoy my own company. I love quiet time, doing things by myself, and I rarely get bored when I’m alone. But the funny thing is, when I’m around people, I’m very outgoing, talkative, and friendly.

I feel like people assume if you enjoy being alone, you must be introverted or shy, but that doesn’t really fit me.

Anyone else like this? Or if you’re the opposite, I’d love to hear that perspective too.

​

I've had days with 15+ hours of screen time. At the end of those days, I couldn't tell you a single thing I'd learned, built, or accomplished.

I'd feel guilty and disgusted. Then I'd do it all over again.

One day I got sick of it and said fuck this shit. I started learning every country and capital, something I'd always wanted to do but never made time for.

That was just the beginning.

The gap between scrolling and actually doing something started closing. I remembered what it felt like to be curious. I started learning how to learn again.

So pick anything. The thing you've always wanted to do. The hobby you abandoned. The skill you keep telling yourself you'll get to.

You'll suck at it. You'll feel awkward. Do it anyway.

Because if you never let yourself be a beginner, you will always be one. Forever.

Fuck what people think. Fuck waiting until you're "ready."

Put the phone down. Go create something

I’m a teenage girl and I’m 185 cm tall (6’1), and I don’t like it. It has always held me back from feeling feminine, needless to say I’m taller than almost every girl I meet, I’ve probably only met 2 who were taller than me. I’m also taller than most guys. I always feel awkward because of the way I’m sticking out above everyone. I’m often told that being tall is great, and I agree, but I think I’m way too tall, I wish I was around 180 cm (5’11). Thats my mom’s height, while my dad is around 6’2, which tells you from where I’ve inherited it. I’ve always been awkward about this, since a kid, and I’ve never found being this tall a good thing

Hey so basically I’m dumping the secrets, rituals, and hazing techniques from my experience with Delta Phi! Fuck those guys.

- Their secret name is Damon and Pythias.
- There were lineups
- I had to wear a shirt with an insulting nickname on it
- I had to read and memorize sections of “The Oracle,” a training manual. I can dump pics if you’re interested
- There was hell week
- I had a pledge song
- There were pledge tasks. I had to get signatures from the brothers, who signed off on me when their respective conditions were met
- I had kneel on bricks while listening to Bolero, a classical piece. They kicked you.
- they had me imitate animals
- they had me memorize and perform a song “Brand New Key”
- They had me memorize another song, too
- they had me tell jokes to them while they insulted me
- I was asked to eat a lamb heart whole and raw
- they beat me up, but only with pillows
- there was a scavenger hunt
- they asked me to rape a woman as condition to get in. (Again: fuck these guys) I said no and they said it was a test.
- there was forced drinking. They tried to do an entire gatorade cooler for one pledge
- they spread peanut butter on the bodies of other pledges
- no sleep! For the whole of hell week
- they had us make meals for them and clean
- they played a song “Suicide is Painless.” I had to keep a candle lit while they tried to put it out with water
- They made me eat suspicious food, and dumped it down my pants and made me clean like that
- they made me memorize stories of the brothers’ misadventures and deliver them back to them
- the fraternity got caught hazing three times during my time there. They just kept doing it over and over again, without any apology or delay in getting their next pledge class initiated
- memorize the story of the knights of Malta
- memorize the fraternity’s Maltese cross, with its different symbols and their meanings. A song went with it.
- there was a pledge master who we all called “Sir.” He ran lineups and did the majority of the hazing

Here’s an acronym from hell week:
KKOB- Kill Knees on Bricks

When I got in, I found out:
- This branch of DPhi fraternity runs a Marijuana distribution…. Business? Out of California
- We had a cocaine dealer for a brother
- underage drinking was not only allowed but encouraged
- Sexual assault was common
- the brothers were all white
- no homosexuals in the fraternity

That’s all I remember for now.

Edit: These comments have been inaccurate and harmful, and I’m done responding. Go ahead and downvote, go ahead and blame me, but I accomplished my goal by letting you know of the harm so you can think and act accordingly.