u/andhisnameisnonsense

Start my second ever 8-hour job next monday. First one was a disaster, and it was easier because it was a retail job so I was on my feat all day. I was fired after 3 months. This one's a desk job. It's really hard for me to stay awake from 830 to 430. It's really hard for me to be productive for 8 hours in a row.

I'm trying really hard. I'm practicing. But I'm still not managing it. I'm scared. This job is a huge opportunity and I'm scared of blowing it.

I'm recovering BPD and I have a FP (favorite person, someone you're obsessed with) who causes me a severe mental health crisis every time I interact with them. I came very close to trying to reconnect with them today after 5 years. Best case scenario they wouldn't have responded and I would have fallen into a depressive episode that would have made me lose my job, worst case scenario they would have, and I would have gone manic and ended up committed, in jail, or dead.

But I didn't. DBT is working. Therapy is working. I'm not going back. BPD is a bastard, but I'm getting better.

EDIT: Really appreciate everyone here and their kind words.

I put it in the title, I'm going to put it here too: this is going to have some very dark parts. It has a happy, if not unambiguously happy, ending, but it has some really dark parts. I'm not going to use beat-around-the-bush or tiktok language for things. I'm not trying to be unnecessarily dramatic or scare anyone off, but I know some people go to law school for similar reasons with similar issues, and hope this could be useful to someone.

I decided to go to law school roughly three years ago now, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I figured it would either force me to act like an adult and be a functioning human being, or it would be a really good excuse to kill myself. I didn't have any friends, I got fired from every job I worked at within a year, I barely left the house. At the same time, I had some intense delusions of grandeur about "conquering the world" that I thought law school would help me fulfill. I was ambivalent about the idea of becoming a lawyer. I was ambivalent about the idea of learning the law.

Studying for the LSAT was actually really good for me, and improved my mental health a graet deal. I saw it as a way out of the constant cycle of meaningless jobs and applying for hopeless jobs with my meaningless degree. So it helped. Maybe that's why I for the first time ever I actually did make friends, and get a girlfriend, and put together a life. I was pretty happy and pretty stable on the day I left for law school which brings me to my first point:

1. Do not assume that because you were happy or stable before law school you will stay that way. No not assume that because you were an extrovert, you will have a lot of friends.

I will grant, I was not happy and stable very long. The one thing I would change would be deferring for a year to give me more time to build a foundation. But hindsight's 20/20. Anyway I got to law school and immediately fell to pieces. The stress and the novelty and the pressure of the curve was just too much. I was visibly and constantly mentally ill. I had multiple episodes in public places. People were not sympathetic. People were not kind. I was at best, politely excluded, and at worst, actively maligned. It was genuinely a bottom 5 moment of my life. Which is saying something. Genuinely came close to ending it all.

2. There's not really a way out once you start. Except for "taking a medical leave."

And that feels awful. It's claustrophobic. It's being trapped. Unsurprisingly, as lonely and miserable as I was, my grades were dogshit. Like, bottom 20% dogshit.

However, I kept trying. I figured eventually people would get tired of treating me the way they were, and eventually I'd get tired of acting the way I was. And I did, and they did.

I never considered dropping out (good) or taking a medical leave (maybe bad). I got a mediocre 1L summer job, but it turned out to be a blessing, because I was entirely unable to handle a regular schedule my 1L summer. But my firm was incredibly incredibly low-expectations. I think I did like 20 hours a week on average? If that.

Then I realized that I wasn't goin to get big law, and got very upset. I through an incredibly intense depression tantrum, and came very close to hurting myself.

3. The job search is a weighted lottery. Even if you're above the LSAT median for your school, nothing is gaurunteed.

But that was the last of it. I turned things around. Starting fall of 2L, I made more friends, I got a steady grasp on my mental health, and now, finishing 2L spring, I actually did pretty well! Top 20% for the term**.** What really helped me to realize is that learned helplessness is the biggest thing holding people back in law school. People learn bad habits and keep them because they think it's what they deserve. They get bad grades and don't try to get better because they think they're fundamentally a loser. I did.

4. The solution to learned helplessness is asking yourself "why?"

It sounds kind of like therapy speak? But it really did work for me. I asked myself "why am I not trying? Why am I underperforming?" and the answer was always "I think I deserve to" and the reason was always "because some people treated me badly in the past." Maybe that's something that only works for me, but it resulted in real and visible improvement as a mindset shift.

There is one huge issue left, which is that law school is school, it tests your ability to perform in an educational environment, not the real world. I took a practical course because I was worried about that. It will be by far my lowest grade this semester.

5. Learn how to be a lawyer, not just a good law student.

This is not a problem for most law students, because the difference is maybe being organized and staying awake for 8 consecutive hours a day, things most law students are good at. But I am not. So if you are not good at being organized and staying awake for 8 consecutive hours, now's the time to fix it.

Anyways, I hope this has been helpful to someone. I appreciate you all

I put it in the title, I'm going to put it here too: this is going to have some very dark parts. It has a happy, if not unambiguously happy, ending, but it has some really dark parts. I'm not going to use beat-around-the-bush or tiktok language for things. I'm not trying to be unnecessarily dramatic or scare anyone off, but I know some people go to law school for similar reasons with similar issues, and hope this could be useful to someone.

I decided to go to law school roughly three years ago now, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I figured it would either force me to act like an adult and be a functioning human being, or it would be a really good excuse to kill myself. I didn't have any friends, I got fired from every job I worked at within a year, I barely left the house. At the same time, I had some intense delusions of grandeur about "conquering the world" that I thought law school would help me fulfill. I was ambivalent about the idea of becoming a lawyer. I was ambivalent about the idea of learning the law.

Studying for the LSAT was actually really good for me, and improved my mental health a graet deal. I saw it as a way out of the constant cycle of meaningless jobs and applying for hopeless jobs with my meaningless degree. So it helped. Maybe that's why I for the first time ever I actually did make friends, and get a girlfriend, and put together a life. I was pretty happy and pretty stable on the day I left for law school which brings me to my first point:

1. Do not assume that because you were happy or stable before law school you will stay that way. No not assume that because you were an extrovert, you will have a lot of friends.

I will grant, I was not happy and stable very long. The one thing I would change would be deferring for a year to give me more time to build a foundation. But hindsight's 20/20. Anyway I got to law school and immediately fell to pieces. The stress and the novelty and the pressure of the curve was just too much. I was visibly and constantly mentally ill. I had multiple episodes in public places. People were not sympathetic. People were not kind. I was at best, politely excluded, and at worst, actively maligned. It was genuinely a bottom 5 moment of my life. Which is saying something. Genuinely came close to ending it all.

2. There's not really a way out once you start. Except for "taking a medical leave."

And that feels awful. It's claustrophobic. It's being trapped. Unsurprisingly, as lonely and miserable as I was, my grades were dogshit. Like, bottom 20% dogshit.

However, I kept trying. I figured eventually people would get tired of treating me the way they were, and eventually I'd get tired of acting the way I was. And I did, and they did.

I never considered dropping out (good) or taking a medical leave (maybe bad). I got a mediocre 1L summer job, but it turned out to be a blessing, because I was entirely unable to handle a regular schedule my 1L summer. But my firm was incredibly incredibly low-expectations. I think I did like 20 hours a week on average? If that.

Then I realized that I wasn't goin to get big law, and got very upset. I through an incredibly intense depression tantrum, and came very close to hurting myself.

3. The job search is a weighted lottery. Even if you're above the LSAT median for your school, nothing is gaurunteed.

But that was the last of it. I turned things around. Starting fall of 2L, I made more friends, I got a steady grasp on my mental health, and now, finishing 2L spring, I actually did pretty well! Top 20% for the term**.** What really helped me to realize is that learned helplessness is the biggest thing holding people back in law school. People learn bad habits and keep them because they think it's what they deserve. They get bad grades and don't try to get better because they think they're fundamentally a loser. I did.

4. The solution to learned helplessness is asking yourself "why?"

It sounds kind of like therapy speak? But it really did work for me. I asked myself "why am I not trying? Why am I underperforming?" and the answer was always "I think I deserve to" and the reason was always "because some people treated me badly in the past." Maybe that's something that only works for me, but it resulted in real and visible improvement as a mindset shift.

There is one huge issue left, which is that law school is school, it tests your ability to perform in an educational environment, not the real world. I took a practical course because I was worried about that. It will be by far my lowest grade this semester.

5. Learn how to be a lawyer, not just a good law student.

This is not a problem for most law students, because the difference is maybe being organized and staying awake for 8 consecutive hours a day, things most law students are good at. But I am not. So if you are not good at being organized and staying awake for 8 consecutive hours, now's the time to fix it.

Anyways, I hope this has been helpful to someone. I appreciate you all

Take your meds. Take your meds take your meds take your meds.

Anyways.

Since I started abilify 4 years ago I've gaine 40 pounds, 20 since I upped my dose 1.5 years ago. I hate it. I hate how much less attractive I am. I hate how people look at me differently. Hate it hate it hate it.

sorry, not gonna narrate all my grades, but all my friends are asleep and I literally just found out. 2 As, 4.0 so far this semester. I was bottom 20% first two semesters, bottom 30% third semester, so this is great, if also kind of crazy.

Anyway, love you all, love this community. You guys have been so supportive and also tough love when I needed it.

For everyone asking what I did differently: I had a learned helplessness thing going on. I believed I was fundamentally a loser and a failure and I deserved to be and so that kinda showed up in a lot of ways. Talked about in therapy, learned to interrutp that thought pattern, gave myself a different script to follow, and here we are.

Literally typed varieties of "Was hoping for an A+ but prof..." three times and just got exhausted with myself.

It's turning around.

Like don't get me wrong, they still suck balls, but I'm pretty good at handling it and they're mostly environmental at this point.

Finished finals. Slept for 14 hours. That's not great, but I think a lot of people sleep a lot after something that big. It's exhausting. Feel shitty. Took a booster med. Took a nap. Feel better.

I don't know. I had a handle on this stuff before the exam season, maybe I'm getting a handle on it again.

Hope you're all doing well.

I fucking hate this fucking shit. I fucking hate it. I have three close friends, which is more than I've ever had in my entire life. I love all of them deeply but because I'm BPD I've got a bad tendency to shit talk them. to one another. I do not want to be this way. I do not like it. I want to be different. I literally didn't realize how often I complained about friend #2 to friend number #1 until friend number #1 was said "friend#2 sounds kind of pathetic."

I hate that I'm like this. I want to be better. I'm just jealous of my friends and scared of them abandoning me. I'm gonna stop immediately and never do it again. But I hate that I put myself in this situation.

I'm trying to be better.

Fucking asshole piece of shit you ruined fucking everything you won't ruin this shit for me. I swear to god you binge-eating life ruining piece of shit if I have to chain myself to my fucking desk to study I'll fucking do it.

Fucking skin me alive. Fucking hate this fucking shit. I will not go gently. I will go down fighting. I will go down kicking and screaming. I will survive and make it out the other side.

Not a danger to myself. To0 many people I care about.

Maybe it'll be okay.

I know this sort of post is controversial, to put it mildly, so I apologize for that.

I've dealt with serious mental health issues my whole adult life and I went into law school knowing that they'd be a challenge. The thing was I thought I had them beaten. I really really did. My sleep had never been that stable. I had never had these sorts of of friendships. My mood had never been that steady.

Then bitch as mother fucking that lives in my head decides to fuck me over and now I just feel awful alll the goddam time. I can't study and it's fucking finals. just feel empty and dead and broken all at once.

I took a practice test before this started and without refining my outline at all I scored in the high A- range. This could've been my best term. It still could be, that's all that's keeping me going.

I'm not going to talk to the disability center. I'm not going to do the "smart thing" and take a term off or some shit. I'm going to go down fighting, and maybe not go down at all. Feel free to call me a moron for that. Feel free to send me the "concerned redditor thing." Not a danger to myself, to many people I care about.

Fucking hate this fucking shit. Like law school, hate this fucking shit. Hate it. Skin me living. Fucking bullshit fuck shit.