u/andhisnameisnonsense

I do not need to go to the hospital or call services. I'm very dissasociated and very scared but I've had like a dozen of these and I know how to manage them. I'm BPD and BP2 so this is par for the course, if less and less these days.

I want to preface this by saying that I know no one here's a mental health professional. I'm not expecting advice. But I'm currently dialed up to 1000 and "being seen" feels like it'll help, and for some reason it's easier to type into reddit than into my journal. I'm so dissasociated my hands feel like lead.

Earlier today I realized a coworker was turning into another obsession. So I pushed back on it and stopped sitting next to her and trying so hard to be funny around her. Then she and I and a third coworker had one of the best social interactions I've ever had in the world.

And it was so weird because normally social interactions for me fit in one of a couple of neat boxes: 1. I am weird and awkward an unlikeable, 2. I am funny and charismatic, but in a way that is kinda overwhelming and isolating, 3. I'm kind of personality-ness and let myself fade into the background, 4. I'm "in the pocket" and am normal, and "part of the tribe."

It's always exactly one (1) of those and this was like 10% #1, 30% #2, 30% #3. All mixed together. And I'm fucking panicking because I don't understand. This is very very different. I've always been just one thing. I don't know how to be more than that.

I guess I'll have to learn.

Anyway I'm freaking out a lot less now. I know no one else will read this, but this did help.

There is a term among us folks with borderline personality disorder for the people we get obsessed with called FP, or Favorite Person. It is someone you love so much that you hate them for it. It's someone you love so much that you hate yourself. It's someone you love so much that it's an addiction.

I had an FP for eight years. We were on, and off, and on, and off again. When they gave me the slightest amount of attention it sent me spiraling into manic episodes that almsot got me killed once. I finally managed to let her go.

Now I have another one. It's a girl at my work who's cute and funny and smart and has a boyfriend and doesn't feel the same about me at all. I will NOT DO THIS AGAIN. I will not.

I'm using my DBT skills. I'm not going back. I'm not gonna sit near her and I'm going to talk with her as little as possible. I'm not gonna be mean to her, it's not her fault, but I'm not doing this again.

Scale from 1 to 10 how upset would you be? Ive known these people for a long time but don't hang out with them regularly. How long would you stay mad for? Would you be mostly angry or mostly sad? Would you be mad at yourself? Would you have negative thoughts about yourself? About them? Would you feel depressed? I can answer more questions about the situation.

I want to deal with this as healthily as I can.

EDIT: Appreciate everyone here who helped give me space to figure this out.

EDIT: person I texted responded with an incredibly unclear affirmation. Not sure what's going on. Has not improved the situation.

Thanks to Our Thing sometimes I'm really chill and likeable and sometimes I am not. I was in the months before lawschool, and I was not in the first months of law school. I am now. But the people who knew me during the first months of law school don't see that, they see me the way I was then. A good rule of thumb is that the way you act when you're bad at socializing counts 5 to 10 times as much as the way you act when you're good at it depending on the person. Life isn't fair.

Two people I know invited me to join them for 4th of july, and then ghosted me. Maybe they'll still follow up but I doubt it. Isn't the first time this has happened.

I am so tired.

I'm bpd which means sometimes I'm really chill and likeable and sometimes I am not. I was in the months before lawschool, and I was not in the first months of law school. I am now. But the people who knew me during the first months of law school don't see that, they see me the way I was then. A good rule of thumb is that the way you act when you're bad at socializing counts 5 to 10 times as much as the way you act when you're good at it depending on the person. Life isn't fair.

Two people I know invited me to join them for 4th of july, and then ghosted me. Maybe they'll still follow up but I doubt it. Isn't the first time this has happened.

I am so tired.

I'm bpd which means sometimes I'm really chill and likeable and sometimes I am not. I was in the months before lawschool, and I was not in the first months of law school. I am now. But the people who knew me during the first months of law school don't see that, they see me the way I was then. A good rule of thumb is that the way you act when you're bad at socializing counts 5 to 10 times as much as the way you act when you're good at it depending on the person. Life isn't fair.

Two people I know invited me to join them for 4th of july, and then ghosted me. Maybe they'll still follow up but I doubt it. Isn't the first time this has happened.

I am so tired.

I have three close friends, which is more than a lot of guys, and I'm (for the most part) respected at work. But my work friends dont' talk outside of work (which is pretty normal), two of my three friends are introverts who live in different cities right now (moving back in the fall) and don't really understand that I need to socialize to maintain connections, and the third one is upset at me because I told her something she didn't want to hear (she'll get over it she always does).

This is a reminder of how lonely I used to be. This disease takes so much from us, and I was able to wrestle some of it back, and now it's gone again. I hate it. I know it's temporary, but I hate it. It hurts.

Anyways. I'll be okay. I'm going to make myself a nice stroganoff tonight. It'll be okay.

I have three close friends, which is more than a lot of guys, and I'm (for the most part) respected at work. But my work friends dont' talk outside of work (which is pretty normal), two of my three friends are introverts who live in different cities right now (moving back in the fall) and don't really understand that I need to socialize to maintain connections, and the third one is upset at me because I told her something she didn't want to hear (she'll get over it she always does).

This is a reminder of how lonely I used to be. I hate it. I know it's temporary, but I hate it. It hurts.

Anyways. I'll be okay. I'm going to make myself a nice stroganoff tonight. It'll be okay.

So I knew this, I was just a moron, but sucks shit that we can't eat grapefruit. It was one of my favorite foods in the before times. Last couple days I've been wondering "why do I feel so sad and tired and keep acting so weird" and I looked in the fridge and was like "oh, that's why."

Whatever. What I want is on the other side of it, so it goes.

Guy literally said "I really like your passion" at the end lol.

Ah well, c'est la vie. Hope you all are well.

In my first depressive episode I literally had my keys in my hand to go kill myself via cold exposure when my one friend in the world called me.

I was certain for most of the next seven years that I was going to die by my own hand. My life was usually pretty easy because I lived at home, so I was never really motivated, but I was always certain I would.

When I started law school and I was at the bottom of the social pyramid at one point I had a gun model and store picked out, and was just waiting for an excuse. Then I met one of my best friends the next day.

When I realized I wasn't going to get a fancy high-paying lawyer job because my grades were too bad I had a note written and a date planned when a nice awkward girl in my class texted me "I want you to know that you're seen."

Now I have three best friends, I'm respected at work, and I make a mean breakfast sandwhich. My mood chart is flatter than a pancake and I'm not scared I'll be abandoned anymore. I've put together an identity for myself.

I have bipolar 2 and also have (maybe had) bpd.

In my first depressive episode I literally had my keys in my hand to go kill myself via cold exposure when my one friend in the world called me.

I was certain for most of the next seven years that I was going to die by my own hand. My life was usually pretty easy because I lived at home, so I was never really motivated, but I was always certain I would.

When I started law school and I was at the bottom of the social pyramid at one point I had a gun model and store picked out, and was just waiting for an excuse. Then I met one of my best friends the next day.

When I realized I wasn't going to get a fancy high-paying lawyer job because my grades were too bad I had a note written and a date planned when a nice awkward girl in my class texted me "I want you to know that you're seen."

Now I have three best friends, I'm respected at work, and I make a mean breakfast sandwhich. My mood chart is flatter than a pancake and I'm not scared I'll be abandoned anymore. I've put together an identity for myself.

Also, if this matters to you, I went from 0 hinge matches over three weeks to one match a week (by taking better and more varied pictures) to 2-3 matches a week (by going to law school) to 5-10 matches a week (by talking to my female friends and asking what they like). It's doable.

I have bipolar 2 and also have (maybe had) bpd.

In my first depressive episode I literally had my keys in my hand to go kill myself via cold exposure when my one friend in the world called me.

I was certain for most of the next seven years that I was going to die by my own hand. My life was usually pretty easy because I lived at home, so I was never really motivated, but I was always certain I would.

When I started law school and I was at the bottom of the social pyramid at one point I had a gun model and store picked out, and was just waiting for an excuse. Then I met one of my best friends the next day.

When I realized I wasn't going to get a fancy high-paying lawyer job because my grades were too bad I had a note written and a date planned when a nice awkward girl in my class texted me "I want you to know that you're seen."

Now I have three best friends, I'm respected at work, and I make a mean breakfast sandwhich. My mood chart is flatter than a pancake and I'm not scared I'll be abandoned anymore. I've put together an identity for myself.

Also, if this matters to you, I went from 0 hinge matches over three weeks to one match a week (by taking better and more varied pictures) to 2-3 matches a week (by going to law school) to 5-10 matches a week (by talking to my female friends and asking what they like). It's doable.

I'm bpd and for the longest time I've had brutal, hurtful, angry thoughts. Over the smallest, most menial things too. People say ignore me or box me in and I just explode (only inside my head). It's scary, it's lonely, and it hurts.

Today at work my supervisor was obnoxious and micro-managed me, and it was...fine? I heard the voices, but through a badly tuned radio. I didn't feel the fire. I didn't see the bright lights or hear the roaring in my ears.

DBT is working. Therapy is working. Grateful for you all.

This is going to come off weird, and break some norms. I'm aware that I'm doing that. Apologies.

I'm smart, very very smart, and I always thought that made me better than everyone. I'm funny, and I have a talent for making people feel things. I can make people laugh, I can make people feel sad, I can bring people up or down. And I always thought that made me better than everyone.

When I was young, like 11 or 13 or something like that I got sick, and I couldn't communicate or relate to people anymore. It was like that for a while. It wasn't like that forever. I always thought that made me worse. When it was there I thought it made me less than everyone. When it was gone I was always scared it'd come back.

I was diagnosed as bipolar, and I thought that made me better and worse at the same time, because it meant I'd have to fight harder to overcome it, and I did. I was diagnosed as borderline and I thought that made me better because it made me dangerous, and worse because it meant I was sick.

I've speant all these years on the far ends of the spectrum, torn in two. Certain that I was either the very best of humanity or the very worst. Back and forth. Both at once.

I've been in therapy in a long time. I did a year of DBT group and have been working through the book on my own. DBT teaches us the dialectic -- multiple things can be true at the same time. I woke up today and realized I have some positive characteristics, and some negative characteristics. But I am the same as everyone else. I am the same. I am not better or worse.

I'm kind of annoyed, but I feel very free.

Just came out, thought I was at 50% but I'm at 30.

Rising 3L at a T30. Full ride.

Anyways. Tough love. Normal sympathy. Whatever. Hope you all are well.

So I apologize if this isn't related enough to bipolar, but it's really making my depression worse.

I posted a really cool milestone (don't want to say more to avoid doxing myself) in my life on instagram and my school's group chat and got absolutely nothing. Like 4 people liked it on instagram, 2 of which were related to the milestone. One person, who I have a very complex and passive-agressive relationship liked it on the group chat, which I think was out of sarcasm and pity more than anything.

I've been visible and invisble at different times in my life and I was very invisble at school and now I'm very visible and appreciated at work and that feels great but the way people treat me at school feels awful.

I hate being invisible to people.

I know a lot of advice I get will be "don't post on social media" which is fair, I appreciate that, but I want to have a life where people appreciate it when big things happen for me, and I don't feel like not posting at all is the way to get there. I know other advice will be "don't put your worth on other people" but like, I feel like it's normal to want to be appreciated. I'm greatful for all advice and input though.

I posted a really cool milestone (don't want to say more to avoid doxing myself) in my life on instagram and my school's group chat and got absolutely nothing. Like 4 people liked it on instagram, 2 of which were related to the milestone. One person, who I have a very complex and passive-agressive relationship liked it on the group chat, which I think was out of sarcasm and pity more than anything.

I've been visible and invisble at different times in my life and I was very invisble at school and now I'm very visible and appreciated at work and that feels great but the way people treat me at school feels awful.

I hate being invisible to people.

I know a lot of advice I get will be "don't post on social media" which is fair, I appreciate that, but I want to have a life where people appreciate it when big things happen for me, and I don't feel like not posting at all is the way to get there. I know other advice will be "don't put your worth on other people" but like, I feel like it's normal to want to be appreciated. I'm greatful for all advice and input though.

I will not. I'm crashing like a motherfucker. I will not go back to bed. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will stay awake. I'm doing opposite action. I will not go back to bed. I will not. I'm going to stay awake. I'm bending the motherfucking mood curve toward the middle. I will not go back to bed. I will not go back to bed.