Realization and Guilt Following Exposure to Explicit Content: How to Approach Future Marriage?
Assalamu alaykum everyone,
I am posting here to seek advice from the community. After several years of struggling with adult content (which started out of curiosity around age 11), I had a major wake-up call two days ago. Despite this struggle, I have always maintained my daily prayers and tried to grow closer to Allah, but the repetition and normalization made me lose sight of the gravity of this sin.
Today, at 19, as I project myself toward marriage, I realized that I want to marry a pious and virtuous spouse. This caused me a heavy moral shock: I now feel unworthy and consumed by guilt. This realization pushed me to immediately stop all consumption, lower my gaze, and engage in sincere repentance (tawbah) to begin a journey of spiritual and mental healing.
However, deep anxiety is consuming me:
If my future wife asks me about my past, what stance should I take according to Islamic principles? Lying seems destructive to trust within a couple, but I also know that one should not expose their own past sins (sitr). Yet confessing could be equally difficult, as it might create distrust before marriage or cause pain and risk after marriage.
Is it possible to fully overcome the psychological aftermath of this habit in order to provide a healthy and fulfilling home for my partner?
I feel very alone facing this situation, which I cannot share with anyone. What advice or reminders could you give me to navigate this period of anxiety, keep my resolve, and approach the topic of marriage with peace of mind?
Jazak Allah Khayran for your kindness.