Is there such a thing as being "overly cautious?" Pacing, Islamic Boundaries, Compatibilty.
Personal context: I'm f18, and I've been Muslim for 4 years. My appointed wali was my closest friend's father. "Q" is m23, and was raised Muslim. Also, we met on Muzz, and neither of us is following a culture that already has traditions in place for this process.
I'm in the process of nikah with a prospective husband, Q. Going in, we'd agreed on a rough timeline: 2-3 months of intentional talking and meeting, then we'd be in a place to decide on marriage. We're right around the 2-month mark now. We talk almost daily over the phone for 45-60 minutes, and have met in person once (we live 3 hours apart). We've both been intentional; we've each been vetting each other's families and character along the way. My original wali stepped down recently due to some unrelated concerns, and I'm currently waiting on my imam to return from travel so he can take over inshaAllah.
Recently, Q told me he wants us to do a kind of pre-marriage "test," where we each set personal goals (like volunteering weekly) and hold each other accountable to them, as a way of gauging whether we'd work well as spouses. He also mentioned he'd had this idea for a while but didn't bring it up because he figured my wali would object or make it difficult, and now that my wali isn't in place, he feels he can move forward with it.
Separately, in the same conversation, I told him I feel good about the process and would move forward with marrying him barring anything bad coming up. He responded that he isn't ready to say yes yet and wants more time, plus this new testing process, even though we're at the point in our timeline where a decision was supposed to be on the table. When I asked directly for a new timeline, he didn't give me one.
I'm trying to figure out if this is reasonable caution from someone who comes from a divorced family and is scared of repeating that, or if it's a pattern of the goalposts moving right as we hit the point where a decision was supposed to happen. I've also started feeling like I'm the one pursuing him, which isn't the dynamic I want going into a marriage. I want to feel wanted and pursued. It's making me feel defeminized and rejected, but that might just be me being insecure or low in self-esteem. I'm also worried about how appropriate it is to be doing this sort of "test," as dragging out the process or delaying a decision could possibly invite fitna. And I'm typically an indecisive and overly cautious person, so I was shocked by this. I did my due diligence, prayed istikhara, and put my trust in Allah SWT.
Would appreciate outside perspective. Is the wali-timing thing as concerning as it feels? Is it normal for a timeline to shift without a new one being offered? Is there such a thing as being overly cautious? I feel alone and unsure in this process.