Married for 10 months, long-distance, and I feel like the physical/intimate side of our relationship disappeared after we got close, am I overthinking this?
I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being reasonable or if I’m expecting something that isn’t realistic. I’m open to being corrected, even if people think my mindset is wrong or ungrateful. I’d really appreciate advice from people who have been in long-distance marriages, especially Muslim couples who had nikah before rukhsati.
I’m 27F and my husband is 31M. We got married/nikkahfied about 10 months ago. We had a relatively short talking stage before our families got involved, and his family came over and we had our nikah. Because of family schedules, work and visa timeline, we decided to have the larger wedding/reception and move in together in the coming months. We’re both completely fine with that arrangement.
My husband is very introverted, shy and reserved. I am an extrovert, emotional and expressive person. Alhamdulillah, I genuinely love his personality, deen, appearance and the way he thinks about our future. He is responsible, practical and always thinking ahead. He also never fails to call or text me every day. I don't question whether he cares about me or is committed to our marriage.
There are basically two things I've struggled with.
- He isn't naturally very verbally affectionate. Sometimes our conversations can feel almost formal or like two roommates discussing their day. I’ve told him this directly. I've explained that words of affirmation and verbal affection matter a lot to me. He does try, and I appreciate that. He tells me he loves me, misses me, says I'm pretty, comments when he likes my hair or an outfit, etc.
Interestingly, when I withdraw a little or become less enthusiastic because I'm feeling emotionally disconnected, he becomes much more verbally expressive. We've talked about this and are working on it.
Part of me thinks this may change significantly once we're actually living together. Maybe his affection will come through much more naturally through physical presence, body language, cuddling, everyday companionship, etc. So I've been trying not to judge the entire relationship based on how he communicates through a screen.
- The intimate side of our relationship seems to have completely disappeared. He came to visit me after we'd been married for about four months. It was a relatively short visit.
Because we had nikah but hadn't had rukhsati/reception yet, our parents indirectly made it clear that they didn't want us becoming intimate because if anything happened, society/family would start questioning everything. We understood the cultural situation and decided ourselves how to handle our boundaries.
Interestingly, the month before he came, we had started becoming much more verbally open about attraction and desire. We talked about how difficult it would be to control ourselves when we finally saw each other and how we'd have to find a balance between being married and halal to each other while also respecting the circumstances surrounding our rukhsati.
When he finally came, We became physically close and were both extremely happy and giddy. It's now been around five months since that visit and my husband has never brought it up again.
He has never brought up the topic or those moments. The only thing he barely mentions from those days, is how he misses cuddling with me. Even when I hint on something from that week, or how I miss something, he replies bluntly and changes the topic. He hasn't reminisced about it, hasn't told me what he liked, hasn't expressed wanting me physically, and hasn't initiated anything resembling the flirty/sexual conversations we had before his visit.
Before his visit, he was surprisingly expressive about attraction and desire. Afterward, it's almost like we put that part of our relationship in a box and never opened it again.
He still tells me he loves me and misses me. He still compliments my appearance. We have genuinely good conversations and look forward to talking every day. Alhamdulillah, I have many things to be grateful for in this marriage.
But sometimes I'll feel attracted to him or even sexually excited when we're talking at night (he doesn't directly do or say anything, its just the vibe or silence), but I've never really expressed that because I'm quite reserved myself and I'm worried he'll think I'm being inappropriate, being bold or that I'm crossing some line.
And then I wonder if perhaps he's doing exactly the same thing. Maybe he thinks I'm too reserved and doesn't want to make me uncomfortable. Maybe he simply doesn't think about communicating desire verbally the way I do. Or maybe I'm interpreting his silence correctly and he genuinely doesn't feel the need for that kind of communication. I honestly don't know.
I sometimes feel like, "What's the point of being married if I'm still constantly suppressing this part of myself?" We are halal for each other, but because we're long-distance and haven't had rukhsati yet, I'm still behaving as though I have to restrain myself.
At the same time, I don't want to be ungrateful. My husband is genuinely good to me in many ways. He supports me, thinks about our future, communicates with me daily and makes an effort despite his personality being naturally reserved.
So am I making too much of this?
And more importantly, do I even bring this up without making him feel pressured or making the conversation awkward? Or is that risky because I'm assuming something will magically improve once we're physically together?
Please be kind, but I'm okay with being told I'm looking at this completely wrong.
