The police asked me if I wanted one. I said no. I do think it’s necessary, unfortunately. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I hope he helps himself. I didn’t deserve any of this.
That same morning, he called me his soulmate. He was sweet, loving, and kind. I stood by this man at his worst for 2 years, loyal and honest to him.
But, he’s the reason I keep going. Dude totally destroyed me and I hate even saying that out loud because before him I was glowing and radiant, happy, fulfilled. He literally tore me down, made me question my own reality. I took him back SO MANY TIMES only for it to end AGAIN and for good when I asked for proof he wasn’t lying, I asked for accountability, and he proceeded to call me a lying, evil, cheating woman that he knows has been sleeping with other men our entire relationship.
I keep trying to make sense out of something nonsensical. I can’t understand how in the morning I’m his soulmate and a good woman, and 12 hours later he’s berating me with an onslaught of sht that isn’t even remotely true. HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THE LIES HE’S MADE UP ABOUT ME.
This kind of psychological warfare is absolutely inhumane.
My mind is reconciling the last 2 years. I have just requested the 911 calls audio. I may or may not post screenshots at some point. This is public. He doesn’t scare me and I’m never going back.
The fog has lifted. I literally feel like someone that just left a cult… brainwashed and controlled.
I knew things were deeply wrong since the beginning. I was under severe coercive control… experiencing cognitive dissonance. I was trauma bonded. His DNA literally lives in me forever because I was pregnant with his child. The intermittent reinforcement left me feeling confused all the time. I spent my life defending myself against things that were so far out of my character that it began to turn me into a different person. The abuse got so insane I started reacting. Now, he had something to blame me for. “See? See how you acted?” I continued to seek comfort from the very person that was abusing me.
He called me all the things HE is and accused me of doing all the things HE was doing. His projection at the end was so wild that it occurred to me they were confessions.
I hung onto hope, what-ifs, love, and pity. I told myself he wasn’t “abusive,” he was just messed up. But he was working on himself!
Reality completely warped and twisted.
I now know what covert narcissism is, what untreated mental health issues looks like.
Love bombing, conditioning me to see him this way and constantly look for that version of him (it’s not real)
Habitual lies, making me question my own reality, denying the truth
DARVO, always the victim even of his own behavior
Guilt tripping
Accusations and assassinating my character
Destroying holidays and important events
Sulking, sighs, feigning problems that weren’t even real
Triangulation
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Severe paranoia
Control without it being overt or obvious
Selfishness
Defensiveness
Splitting
Name calling
Hypersensitivity
Entitlement without merit
Financial irresponsibility, impulsivity
Withholding affection
Inability to regulate emotions
Acting helpless
“All my exes are narcissists, so was my mom, and my dad and his wife, your friends… so are YOU” also “my ex cheated on me” (I find any of this hard to believe)
Screaming in my face
Taking without reciprocity
Threats to harm me and “make me pay”
Push/pull: cry, apologize, promise, love bomb… devalue, minimize, criticize
Manufactured stories in his mind to make himself the good guy and me/others the bad guy
I could write a book. I’m honestly holding back from the craziest parts. It took me 2 years to see what he was actually doing to me. I’m not a stupid woman, I don’t have low self esteem. I was living in a world with a man that had done things for me that no one ever had, acted like he loved me and my son, and was really, really good to me (at times)… while the next minute he was absolutely evil and behaving like a maniac.
I couldn’t use the word abuse because… he loved me. People that love you don’t abuse you. This was 100% abuse. I was wrong over the last year for the way I began to react. I should have just stayed gone.
I’m happy and free now. I’m working on picking myself up. My home is what is was before, my and my son’s sanctuary of peace and joy.
Honestly, I’d rather have been physically beaten.
Once, I had a horrific UTI. Razor blades going through me. We were on our way to visit family, I was trying to power through. It was some of the most horrific pain I’ve been in. He stopped no less than 10 times for me and was so caring, patient, and attentive.
Once, he picked a fight. It was so volatile. He had driven us to the beach. I was so upset I packed my things and walked away, intending to get an Uber for the 1.5 hour ride home. I’d already broken up with him at least 10 times at this point. He came after me, drove me home, and told me if I didn’t shut up he’d leave me on the side of the road.
Covert narc psychological abuse is literally the worst shit I’ve ever experienced. A month and a half after splitting for the final time, I’m seeing things clearly.
In your experience, has this been true?
The day I left, I asked him to provide proof he wasn’t lying about something, asked for accountability, and set a boundary.
He called me an evil, lying, cheating woman that he knows has been sleeping with other men the entire 2 years of our relationship.
I’m not evil, I’ve literally never lied, and I’ve never cheated. I was never even with anyone else during our separations. He is a habitual liar and has done so many things behind my back. He has told me our entire relationship he’d “never ever cheat, he’d never do that, he’s the most loyal man, etc.”
I legit was done Thursday. It’s been 2 years. He put me through absolute HELL. He tells himself a story now where he’s mad and he’s the victim, COMPLETELY unfounded in reality. I literally can’t understand it.
I got pregnant last October. I have been nothing but loyal and good to this man. He has literally screamed in my face, lied to me, made up stories, gaslit and manipulated me.
We weren’t getting along. Come to find out it’s because he was hiding a woman in his phone. She bought him a birthday gift, he made up a story about it. He lied to MY FACE.
Now, I’m pregnant by this man. I call him. Immediately he asks me, “is it mine?” HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU. Is this actually the reality you’re concocting for yourself while you’re hiding things from me?
He later apologized. He knows I’ve never cheated.
Last Thursday, 8 months later, he comes over to GET ME PREGNANT! He tells me I’m his soulmate. 12 hours later, I’m a lying cheating alcoholic?
My mind will never make sense of any of this.
Projection? Just Borderline paranoia? I don’t know. I never will.
I’m his soulmate… but later in the day he hates me? This is 5 days after he split.
I’m on my way to peace. FINALLY.
I don’t disparage him for being mentally ill. I do disparage him for damaging and abusing people that loved him while refusing psychiatric treatment.
The last time we broke up (lol)… in the morning, I was his soulmate, he was willing to change everything, he loves me and my son infinitely and would do anything for us. In the evening, I’d asked for proof of truth and accountability. He then called me an evil, lying, cheating woman. He has called me a predator and a psycho.
We spoke a couple days later. I honestly cannot engage at this point because I can’t take it anymore. He said “I HAD to assume you were cheating, because you NEVER answer my questions!” What questions? I LITERALLY have ALWAYS answered every question he’s asked! We have talked extensively about his thoughts of me being unfaithful. He has lied to my face, hidden a woman from me, made up entire stories.
None of this is logical or reasonable.
Fun day busting clays. Shooting my Franchi Instinct Catalyst. 20ga. Briley chokes.
Tonight, 4 days after the brutal discard. 70 times after I tried to take him back.
I brought out his dresser and nightstand (that he did not purchase with his own money) and a tv that he bought while high on cocaine to watch sex workers on to the curb to be picked up as trash tomorrow. He had picked up the furniture from his dead mother’s house because I nagged him about getting his own furniture pieces. He didn’t own any furniture. He had no money… again. His life was unstable. He thought we had “moved in together.” He moved in with me because he had nowhere else to go.
I also brought out my broken-ish bbq (I’d wanted to have gotten rid of it long ago… he was the only man aside from my brother that used it - one of my first and fondest memories was watching this man stand by my son grilling on a BBQ in my backyard that I never used by myself)…
I also brought out for trash a fence post he removed while sober… it was an absolute thorn in my side. He set it laying against my house. He peed on it during a black out while I was on a work trip in Midland, TX, already worried he’d go off the rails in my home. He was alone in my home, supposed to have been sober, and wasn’t… lying to my face yet again.
I also brought out a suitcase I bought alone in Ireland with good memories attached to it… I brought it to Minnesota this summer (I paid his way 100% on this trip). The zipper broke on it. I loved this yellow suitcase because it was from Ireland. He promised he’d fix the zipper. He never did.
I loved him with literally every ounce of my being.
4 days ago, at almost 30 days of sobriety for him… during his split/discard (not the first), he claimed he was “finally free” of me. This man had damaged and destroyed everything in his path and was trying to get me back. He went from absolute adoration to calling me evil within 12 hours.
Tonight… I AM FREE. I will no longer be gaslit, manipulated, abused, used. I will no longer play mental gymnastics or try to get him to understand. I will sleep peacefully tonight and move onto being happy like I was before him.
I should have stayed gone a year ago, I gave him so many more chances because he was really good at convincing me he would be better, do better, and help himself. It’s to the point now where I literally can’t take it anymore. He knows exactly what to do to get me upset, I react poorly, now I’m the bad guy. I’d already started out as the bad guy though from stories he made up in my head about me. The pattern has been: I confront him… he shifts the blame to me or brings up things he thinks are problems with me… he gets defensive and minimizes his behavior… he gets angry and accuses me of things that never happened… he devalues and discards me… he comes back, praises me, tells me I’m his soulmate and I am such a good woman, and apologizes and takes full responsibility. Promises change. Does begin the work, then the cycle repeats. It’s been an exhausting cycle and I don’t think he’ll ever change. He brings out the worst in me.
I don’t know why I can’t leave. He’s ruining my life.
It took me no less than 12 times to leave for good. I think he has BPD. I do not take saying that lightly.
We were together 2 years. Below is what I’ve been jotting down in notes.
Editing to add the beginning of our relationship: love bombed. I thought, wow, this man brings me flowers, feels like home. Eventually he called me his soul mate. Very intense. He made me feel so special, seen, adored. He doted over me. He did everything right. I would see that shown in flashes over the next 2 years, which is why it was so hard to stay gone or leave for real. It’s been almost 3 weeks now and I’m still struggling.
He wasn’t the bad guy for what I found/discovered (objectively bad things he did that are jailable), I was the psychopath for having found it. He actually called me a psychopath and told me his friends agreed.
Repeated baseless accusations of me cheating on him and having to be constantly reassured that I wasn’t. He has lied to my face repeatedly.
Constant blame shifting, victim complex.
Said he wasn’t good enough for me or I was too good for him. Had periods of bad depression.
We tried couples counseling once, after I took him back. I’d left due to lies, drug abuse, poor behavior. First session is him talking about how he THOUGHT I cheated on him one night (I never have and never would). We went to discuss his demonstrated behavior and figure out how to be together after his actual betrayal.
Controlling but called me controlling. One example: demanded I remove a friend from FB that I briefly dated 20+ years ago. This guy I don’t even consider an ex, we aren’t inappropriate with each other and I respected my relationship by not talking to him regularly. I even stopped speaking to him and all my other male friends so bf would be happy. Bf was jealous and accusatory regularly. Found out he had made up an entire story about some events and was hiding a new female friendship he’d had. Another example: you need to say this exactly this way and if you don’t I’m not even listening and we aren’t talking anymore.
It’s almost like he switches personalities… he knows exactly what to say and do to reel me in, how to make me feel loved… then goes back to his baseline behavior.
Makes up weird narratives with no basis in reality about people that love him. One example: bf had crashed his truck a few years ago and actually thinks his own dad put a hit on him to have killed by hiring 2 guys to cause the accident. I know his dad, that is absolutely wild to think. Bf was on drugs and simply crashed.
I asked him about his being religious. He got angry, claimed he isn’t religious, started a fight. Very defensive all the time. He is self proclaimed Christian.
I’m always emotionally drained. Constantly managing his emotions and doing mental gymnastics. Always defending myself from accusations of the very things HE was doing to ME.
Set a boundary with him, which he agreed to. He broke the boundary, then claimed it wasn’t a big deal and I was overreacting. Later claims I’m constantly overstepping his boundaries.
Blamed me for holding him back, saying he accomplished more in the short time we were broken up than he ever did while we were together.
Paranoia, unfounded suspicion. Created narratives in his mind that help him cope with his own poor behavior and shift responsibility. Thinks people intentionally plot against him to set him up for failure. Inaccurate descriptions of peoples’ characters, and eventually of my own (it was as if he didn’t even know me and began accusing me of wild things I would never do and assassinating my character). I have literally told him: I have NEVER said that, but that’s what you heard… that did not happen. He actually makes things up and then I look like the crazy one… he tells me to stop gaslighting him when I’m letting him know I never said anything of the sort. Example: “you told me I should just die!” What I said when I was leaving him was that “you will absolutely die alone if you don’t change your behavior.” How did he interpret or hear that as me telling him he should die? I am absolutely crazy in my mind from this psychological warfare.
Poorly regulated emotional responses. Bursts of rage.
No financial discipline, reckless and impulsive.
Volatile, unpredictable.
Has trouble not getting overwhelmed with normal adult life.
Grandiose desires but failure to plan or take action. Ruminates in why his life isn’t successful. Then carries on about how success isn’t based on finances but relationships and love.
Claims both his other long term partners were narcissists. Claims his mother was a narcissist. Has called me a narcissist multiple times.
Undisciplined, performative, inconsistent.
Says he would die for me and my son, goes out of his way to ensure I know how much he loves me, then flips to actually having zero consideration for me and my life. A confusing, exhausting cycle.
Drug addict: in relapse he uses to die, drink drives, crashes cars, spends every last dollar he has, completely blows up his life. This has been the pattern since he was in his early 20s and is now 40.
Ego driven then comes back and agrees to work on himself/his emotions/his outbursts then reverts to denying there is a problem. It literally feels like I’ve been dealing with 2 different men.
Updating to add: these behaviors were him sober.
In doing research on BPD, he did the splitting thing A LOT. It was a push, pull cycle that I didn’t know how to get out of. The good was amazing and the bad left me feeling like something was wrong with me.
The last day I saw him (I broke up with him… again. For reference: I NEVER wanted to leave this man, but I couldn’t take it anymore. He refused to be consistently accountable, wasn’t going to therapy, could not show up for our relationship consistently, disrespected me and disregarded my feelings, showed absolute selfishness… I saw him in the parking lot of our gym and decided to just go home so I wouldn’t run into him), he called me 26 times that day. Last we spoke, he was hysterical. The hysteria and inability to regulate his emotions kills me. He said he just wanted peace, but could never provide it. I spoke with my therapist yesterday about this and he said he absolutely exhibits many of the symptoms. I hate that identifying this is bringing me peace, but it’s helping me understand some things much better.
I’m struggling to make sense of the last almost 2 years of my life. I met a man that initially downplayed (lied) about his addiction problems very early on in the relationship. I should have left then, but didn’t. Long story made short: turns out he is an IV cocaine user. He relapsed multiple times and I left him multiple times. We were not together while he was using. I had a boundary of porn is okay, but anything beyond that is not (cams, having accounts and interacting in any way) cool with me.
I found out that when he relapses he gets on cam sites, spending hundreds of dollars. He sits in hotel rooms, shoots drugs, and pays sex workers. He literally blew through tens of thousands of dollars over the last 2 years during relapsing.
In the beginning of our relationship, he first claimed to “not even watch porn at all” because when he did it made him feel bad. I thought wow, but okay. One day I saw an open tab of porn while he was showing me something on his phone. Then, I saw a search history of a celeb’s “nude leaks,” then a pornhub recent visit history. It’s not that, it’s the lying.
In any case, he turns into a sex crazed maniac when he’s high. He claims he never slept with anyone else even while we were broken apart shortly, and no one ever saw him on video. I don’t believe a single thing he says, he’s lied to my face so many times. He had dozens of log ins for so many sites, was on a dating app (claims it was AI women lol), the list goes on. A pile of really crazy stuff.
What I’m trying to understand is… is he actually a perv, sex crazed maniac? Is this who he is, sober or not? Like, although he claims he never did, I can see him having hired hookers or gone to his hotel with just anyone considering how much money and time he spent on cam stuff and sexual pleasure. Is this actually not him and the drugs are to blame? I can’t make sense of any of this and am looking for some sanity here.