r/BPDlovedones

There is no curiosity, no ping-pong, no understanding of how to start or keep the conversation going on topics other than themselves.

It’s just so boring.
It’s bland.
So meh.

I literally told my pwBPD today, that conversations with him feel like an exchange of monotone fillers (from “oh wow” to “that’s cool”) and completely unrelated sentences, that jump from subject to subject, and seem more like him voicing out loud whatever is in his head.

Like, there is just no substance.

The moment I stepped aside from actively carrying the conversations, is the moment I recognized, that he might be one of the most boring people I know, and that the ONLY reason we made it to where we made it was because the idealization phase + mirroring lasted for nearly 2 years.

Does this resonate with anyone else?

I am not generalizing all pwbpds but my ex used to always complain how less of friends she has and always had a problem with one friend or the other at any point of time.

We broke up and after lot of splitting blocking and coming back to hoover me (i am not innocent either I gave in too)

We finally came to a state where she didn't split and block but were "friends" (basically not fp). I started to realise how shitty it was to be her friend. She talks when she wants to talk and only talks about "her" and disappears. Doesn't reply or even cares about the things you send and isn't even remotely intrested in YOU unless she needs something.

It kinda made sense. And very surprising of her to have almost 90% of guy friends for a self proclaimed man hater. Who she seem to have some or the other romantic relation with them in the past.

Its so fucked up when you think how normal people act and behave. I so so wish I could erase all her memories and not care about her or her life and just enjoy man. God I so want to forget this.

Hey everyone,

I was doing relatively okay. Almost 3 weeks of no contact after a really toxic on-off relationship with my female ex (strong BPD traits, fear of abandonment, push-pull, the whole thing). I blocked her, and was trying to hold my boundary. This was actually going pretty well together with therapy. I started to feel more safe again in my own body.

Yesterday she started hoovering hard: anonymous calls, showed up at my house and stood there for multiple hours. I tried to stay quiet and not let her know I was home. Eventually she noticed me, started crying at the door, and I caved. She came inside, we talked, she cried more… and we ended up having sex.

Now I feel like absolute shit. Guilty, ashamed, weak, and back to square one. The worst part is that a part of me still feels the pull and misses the intensity, while another part is screaming “never again”.

The trauma bond is so strong and I hate it.

I don’t want this cycle anymore. I’m so tired of slipping every time she shows up crying or hoovers.

How do you guys deal with the guilt and self-loathing after a slip like this? How do you get back on track and actually hold the boundary when they physically show up at your door?

Any advice or words of encouragement would mean a lot right now. I feel like such a failure.

Thanks for reading.

I've been married to a pwBPD for six years and in that relationship for almost eight. I'd say about 90% of my marriage is good. The remaining 10% is hell on Earth.

My spouse's BPD really developed about a year into marriage. It was bad in the beginning with name calling, verbal abuse, and yelling. At some point it turned into breaking glasses, personal property, punching holes in walls, and breaking doors. Then, it became more physical. I've been pushed into walls, grabbed, threatened with scissors or a knife, bruised, and slapped.

I finally convinced my spouse to go into therapy and they have been faithfully going for the last few years and I'm so proud of them for it. The splits that are taken out on me have lessened, but every time a big one happens where things get violent (maybe every 1-3 months), it jars me incredibly and it makes me wonder after this long if it's worth allowing myself to be subject to this treatment. The only reason I've stayed is because I see how hard they're working and I want to believe they will continue to get a better handle on coping mechanisms. They have also experienced a shit ton of trauma so I know life is not easy for them.

At what point does it become too much for me though? I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and I'm so emotionally drained. It feels like everything triggers them. Anything I say or do will be twisted to make me sound manipulative and malicious. I can't count how many times I've been called defensive and selfish. Any big change in life absolutely wrecks their world. When I'm split there's no room for any of my feelings. Their word is law even if they're wrong and if I dare diagreee with it or bring up my perspective, it escalates the situation and puts me in danger.

I've tried setting boundaries, but they won't accept them. If I left the room, they'd follow me and go wherever I am. If I left the house, some of my personal possessions would get destroyed.

After each of these splits, they're very good at apologizing for the bad things they've done. During that time it's safe for me to bring up my feelings as well. They'll talk to their therapist about the split and what happened too.

I'm also the sole provider for the household since they have a disability. So, if I was looking for a divorce, I don't know how they'd get along by themselves. I love them and care so much about them but they really keep hurting me and I don't know how much more I can take. I know I can't expect perfection from them but after all these years I just worry I'm setting myself up for misery for the rest of my life.

I’m not saying every content creator is bad or that every BPD person is bad, but most of the stuff online about BPD is insane. I mean posts like “we can’t be abusive because we were abused as children” or “the abuse is not intenational so it’s not really abuse.” So by this logic, if i’ll go to the store drunk and steal something, it’s not a theft because i was drunk and not self-aware? Or the posts like “if your partner with BPD is splitting on you, it means you’re a bad partner” or their never ending shitting on people who dared to speak about how they were abused by a pwbpd. Do they really think we don’t deserve to talk about how we were abused? I almost ended up in mental hospital or almost hurt myself. When I was in the relationship, I kept watching those videos to understand my partner better and it just got much worse. They’re not really helping anyone and especially not themseleves. They keep each other down and in a miserable circle without any way out.

And there is almost always no solution to borderline and/or narcissistic abuse. So try your best to internalize that you can't change the outcome logically because disorders don't really have a grounded reality in the first place.

Edit: why,: rumination just makes the negative neural pathways stronger and takes away from your capacity to focus on positive experiences. This develops into learnt helplessness outlook towards the world and your brain is consistently full of cortisol. As a result your energy for executive function drops.

You can combat this by doing a bunch of heavy physical activities that force motor control. You start with small 3 to 5 minute tasks (it doesn't take long if you're in a bedrotting mood) and build it up over the months. You must do it to the point that you feel EXHAUSTED. You essentially want to starve your own brain of energy from the rumination.

Actively you can give your brain say 3 minute time limit to think about the fucked up pwBPD experience and then get up and stop. Though I had more success with physical activity.

This must be in addition to therapy from a narcissistic abuse specialist. Don't go down the gym rat route in an attempt to distract yourself, it won't work in isolation without say CBT remodelling your thought processes.

I (f, 23) feel so responsible for my bf (m, 27).

I feel responsible for his emotions.

For his well being.

I am so burnt out.

I feel like I can't show weakness, having needs isn't in for ME or else the whole relationship including his mental health especially collapses.

I am 23. I feel so insanely responsible. I can't break. I can't cry. Or else everything collapses. Sometimes I wish I would've never met him, I'm so miserable now. That's what a partner with BPD does to you.

I wish he would say things like "my angel, I see that you're putting me above everything else again. Please, don't do that, your needs matter."

But in a way where he stands up for ME, you know?

I posted a few weeks ago how I wanted to break up with someone when they told me they had BPD. Here's how it went...(content warning: sexual content)

We had the conversation face to face. I didn't want to trigger her so didn't make any mention of BPD being the reason. After initially not taking it well, she seemed to accept it, and agreed try just being friends.

It seemed fine. A few days after that she sent me a drunk text asking if we could still sleep together. I politely declined. That was our last direct interaction.

She is a talented artist, and several days later she published a video, to her public Instagram art page, of her revealing her latest work - a life-size nude portrait of me (minus the face) covered in text from her diary entries.

The diary entries cover the period of time we were dating, from a positive account of our first date (I am a "cute nerd" and she felt "immediately comfortable" with me) to more anxious entries about how I was "pulling away", right down to angry rants after I broke it off with her.

This could have been a cool piece of art...but it made mention of my full name several times, and also included incredibly explict and detailed descriptions of my genitals, graphic descriptions of sex acts we performed on each other, and several unhinged passages about how she planned to "confuse me so I'd come running back and give her control" and even plans on how she planned to seduce my close friends as an act of revenge.

She made several further posts about it, with close-up details, a vlog style video about why she made it (to humiliate me - her exact words) and even showed up at a concert she knew I'd be at - run by the one of the guys she planned to seduce. She also turned up with another acquaintance of mine who she didn't know until very recently...I've got a sneaking suspicion she only befriended her to spite me in some weird way.

Eventually she took down all posts referring to it but it was publicly exhibited in her art studio for nearly two weeks, and visible online for all that time too. She only took it down when one of my close friends commented on it calling her out.

I wrote a complaint to the studio but it hasn't even been acknowledged. She sent an apology to the guy she threatened to seduce...but nothing to me.

So it's been pretty insane!! All this from trying to avoid further BPD abuse, and I got it anyway...in the weirdest, most embarrassing way.

[removed]

TW: death threats, suicide threats.
_________

These are just a few things that happened during that relationship. There’s a lot more, but I’d need to write a fucking book to tell it all. Not sure if I picked the right tag.

- Got tattoos about me, one at the start of the relationship and the other when shit had started to crumble

- Told me that he was 100% sure that I was the reincarnation of a past family member
(once he got mad at me the story changed to me “dying on purpose” during said past life and that I was guilty of leaving him alone)

- Lied that he hacked my devices and that he knew I was cheating on him
(I wasn’t, so I knew he hadn’t hacked anything)

- Cheated from the very start of our relationship including with one of my close friends at the time, did a myriad of drugs behind my back and was probably doing other things I wasn’t comfortable with. I only found out about this stuff at the very end of the relationship

- Would break up with me so often that I can’t remember the official dating timeline at all. Sometimes he’d break up with me multiple times a week. I think he even broke up with me a few times in a single day

- Caught a serious STD during a psych hospital stay while simultaneously being in a long distance relationship with an old sugar mommy

- Would get so mad at me that he’d punch the walls and create holes in them and constantly threaten suicide, including sending me a picture of a rope once

- Saw that I posted about a singer once and decided that, since it was a man’s name, I was dating a man with the same name. Then he started to threaten this mysterious imaginary man

- Swore up and down that I was online when I wasn’t (he either lied or his app glitched) and would text a million times per night while I was trying to sleep to go to work and uni

- Decided that I was pregnant with another man’s child and that he’d kill me and stab me in the stomach. I was abroad at the time and he had no idea if I was pregnant or seeing anyone

- Said he had nude images of me and that he’d post them online
(Which he took without my consent)

- Since I was abroad and he couldn’t physically hurt me he started calling, emailing and texting me multiple times a day from burner accounts. I am talking possibly hundreds of online accounts and phone numbers and dozens of voice messages threatening my life

- This lasted for years! I couldn’t get rid of one of the accounts due to circumstances outside of my control so he’d make multiple burner accounts to contact me through it. I had to delete everything else I had at the time

- Would leave me alone for a few months just to start again and again and again. I’d breathe for a few weeks/months and then the death threats would start again eroding all the sanity I had left

- Travelled to where I was fucking 2+ years into the death threat saga, without my knowledge, and started hunting me in that location

- Somehow found my workplace even though that city had a population of millions of people. I found out later that he had a good idea of where I worked because he went to locations similar to my job and started asking about me, eventually finding someone who knew me. He lied and said he really wanted to work with me so he got my number. In fact he lied about it to everyone he met there and they all thought he was so nice and charming

- Thank fuck I had travelled too that week, so when he went to my job I wasn’t there

The story gets more complicated after that, but it also somewhat ends shortly after. I think talking to my colleagues and the fact he assumed I had talked to the authorities at that point scared him enough that he didn’t try showing up there again. He still tried to harass me online on and off for a couple years, but the intensity decreased a lot, and eventually stopped. I ask someone to look him up online every now and then for safety reasons and he’s seemingly still wearing bits of my skin to this day. He also still looks very unstable.

This was many years ago, I moved far away, and I’m safe and happy. But fuck, I went through hell with that man. His actions erode all my peace of mind. But I am so stronger now, mentally and emotionally. I’m only posting because it feels really empowering to look back and see what I overcame.

As in when they’re being Nice to you & Others, is this genuinely them or a Facade/Mask?

Seem to hear a lot conflicting opinions on this but all my Friends said they could see right through Her, tell She’s fake etc

For context, we're older teens, and we started dating almost a month ago.

She dated one of my old friends for 8 months. I haven't talked to him, but she's told me about how, when they broke up, she was begging for him to take her back.

She also has another ex she dated for 2 years, and before we started dating, she would always tell me how amazing he was and that she still loved him, even over a year after they broke up. When we started getting closer, that ex reached out to me and said she manipulated him for 2 years and that she is "soul sucking."

Right now, though, this relationship seems great. She texts me a lot, almost annoyingly a lot, and she plans a date at least 2–3 times a week. I only have to briefly mention wanting to hang out for her to make a whole plan.

She was really high the other night and was texting me about how she was crying because she thought I'd leave her when we start school because "everyone will love you because you're perfect." Then she sent more texts about how I'm flawless.

It all just seems too good to be true. I mean, she's not the most attractive, but she's pretty, and she seems to really, really love me, more than anyone ever has.

I've also talked to her about having BPD. She told me she was diagnosed at 15 after spending the summer in a mental hospital. She said I have nothing to worry about because I "won't stay when it gets bad" and that she's working on it.

The last person she dated was for 5 months, and then she broke up with them to date me. She always uses the fact that he's asking for her back, and that she didn't manipulate him, as proof that she's not as toxic as she used to be.

I just want reassurance that I can trust this. Like I said, it feels too good to be true.

Title.

She broke up with me in January right after taking me to her baby shower… in front of 70+ people of her family… I knew something was off and politely requested a dna test to “ensure my rights and responsibilities” to which she said “make sure u get a court ordered one” so I proceeded that way without argument.

I got the dna test back beginning of May

I just saw this weekend her profile picture is with another guy (I’m assuming the father as I never confronted her or spoke to her when I found out, I had to proceed through court to get the dna test to confirm I wasn’t the father)

Just kind of hurting rn and the situation/ what happened is so f***ed up honestly..

I don’t even know why it upsets me more than me knowing she cheated on me before. I was so fed up with her.. I was so good to her during the relationship I don’t get it..

I have been a lurker her for awhile and understand how they operate but Jesus man - to this extent, is so messed up..

Will she ever regret or realize what she actually did? Unbelievable..

I am sick of the push pull. I am sick of being optional. I am sick of the gaslighting. I am sick of the deflection. I am sick of the false narratives and twisting of everything I say. I am sick of the splitting. I am sick of being left for days while she does god knows what. I am sick of being an option to somebody I treat like they are everything. I am sick of my life feeling like a fight. I am sick of walking in eggshells.

I want to hate her, but I can’t.

I am so angry with myself.

i honestly just need a reality check again since i feel like i’m sinking again. what is the worst thing they have to you? especially post discard?

I was in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD for around 3-4 years and went through all the hell that entails. It took a serious push for me to get out and leave. I wish I knew at the time so I’m offering my perspective and opinion to anyone who feels they are in a similar position. Ask me anything!