r/BPDlovedones

It is hard to imagine for us, being someone with zero empathy. These are empathy disordered people. People who lack empathy.

So, for someone with no empathy, "love", looks like "ownership".

They watch people say they " love" their pets, or children, but if they can not feel empathy... it looks like ownership. They hear things like "I am yours", "or "that is MY girlfriend", from other people.

It's all abuse, and abuse is abuse is about control.

I read their sub sometimes, and they say things like... "they could leave me...so I abuse them". If they stay, this is "love". If they leave after being abused... what? That means they were "Abandoned".

No, it's about power and control.

It's all emotional abuse. I don't believe it is unintentional.

They lie like they breathe and are unreliable narrators, highly image consious. So keep that in mind while reading their excuses.

another thing thing I noticed, was that posts asking them what the most hurtful things someone could say or do to them.... the disordered described exactly how they treated others.

Well yeah, all those things hurt everybody.

I wanted things to work out after a short break-up & didn't know how harmful it can be when dealing with a pwBPD, so I decided to try it. We went through two therapists fairly quickly, but the third stuck around & it's honestly been one of the most confidence-destroying things that I've dealt with apart from being bullied in junior high.

For instance, last week my pwBPD snapped at me because I was "being really fucking annoying." All I did was ask a couple idle questions about something she said. The topic was about as low-stakes as it gets, so I was fine with dropping it but I did ask that she not talk to me that way. She doubled down. Hours of silence between us before she finally said "sorry." I brought it up in therapy later that morning, and... the therapist said that I was the problem, and my refusal to admit that I had done anything to warrant that response was taken as hostility.

I know this term gets overused, but that left me feeling fucking gaslit. It seriously makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.

Hi all, I’ve been pretty active in this board recently. I’m struggling with the withdrawal missing the good times (even though I know in my heart I made the right choice to end things). She did the following:

- called me “horizontal”
- called me “timid at life”
- said I lacked ambition and drive because I didn’t want to go on all of these crazy expensive trips. Yet begged me to stay when I broke up with her. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
- said I should be with someone who constantly validates me as I said she never respected my needs or feelings
- called me “fragile” for not liking being ordered to do something
- said she didn’t want to have to monitor what she says (no accountability)
- she said “your parents don’t love you, I do”
- she said I should be with someone scatty, timid, quiet and easygoing.
- belittled my love of simple hobbies like hiking and running which saved my life when I was younger and remains important for me.
- told me I was acting singular if I went running on weekends
- pushed me to move in after four months
- wanted to buy a house within a year together.
- would randomly bring up old dates she went on even if they didn’t go well (I never brought up exes as I wanted to focus on her).
- I have dyslexia and dyspraxia and she would call me “chaotic”
- my friends and family noticed me becoming flaky and withdrawn.
- she said multiple times “you’re a great boyfriend, but I need a husband who can do everything for me”
- she was never treated well (I bought her flowers regularly “just because”, cooked a lot, planned loads of fun dates, provided emotional safety, led intimacy (we were great in that department) planned, booked and paid for expensive trips but that wasn’t enough)
- I wanted marriage and kids with her but my timeline wasn’t quick enough for her.
- when I said I would go to therapy to figure out why I go quiet when I’m insulted or hurt for 20mins to regulate myself she said “how long will that take to sort, im ready to live my life”
- my dad and uncle aren’t well and she said “they’re old, we need to focus on ourselves as they won’t be alive in 40 years”
- she would dismiss and invalidate my feelings and nothing seemed good enough as the goalposts always moved.

Objectively, what she said is completely untrue, I have become a qualified chartered accountant, have a masters from UCL and am a 2.44 marathon runner. I have overcome a lot and have lots of good friends now. In the past I was told to kill myself daily between the ages of 12-17 and so have struggled with self worth.

There were good times (obviously) she was caring and we got along well most of the time, I wanted her to be the one and loved her so much. I was bullied to within an inch of my life when I was younger which is why the character attacks stung so much.

I guess I feel devastated as I’m wondering if i made the right decision. I never raised my voice, shouted at, screamed or swore at her as i vowed never to be cruel to anyone as i know what it feels like.

She would tell me im the love of her life and wanted it all etc. Currently we are in no contact, i had a moment of weakness and checked social media’s and it seems like she’s blocked me except for whatsapp.

Also she could never take accountability or apologize. If I ever brought anything up, I would be the bad person and end up regulating her and apologising. She would withdraw intimacy if that happened. It seemed like love was conditional.

There was no closure at the end either as she refused to apologise / take accountability when I asked why she attacked my character.

The most hurtful thing was actually “you’re a great boyfriend but I need a husband who can do everything for me”… basically is invalidating everything I was doing in the relationship and portrayed me as “not enough” yet she said she was in abusive relationships in the past. I would ask her daily how I could love her and also ask how she needed me to show up for her. I can give and am still willing to give healthy love to the right girl.

Id appreciate your advice / stories.

Cheers

My BPD ex left me 6 weeks ago. I know that I was also unhappy with how I was being treated in our relationship, so many things everyone else here has listed: being gaslit, having everything framed as though I’m a monster, the constant things about myself I need to work on while she didn’t have to put in the same effort, the hurtful comments, etc.

I did all the classic things, I made myself smaller to avoid the arguments, worked on every aspect of my personality to make her happy and our relationship smoother. Let so much stuff go because it didn’t feel worth the drama.

We were together over a decade, and even with all the things I just said, the good times were so good and I loved her with everything I had.

She’s in my dreams and I can barely sleep, I’m finally eating and not crying most of the day, and we are no contact for the last 2 weeks and I know she has someone else.

Logically, I know this is the right thing, but I fought so hard to make things work at the end and she had totally split on me and looked at me like I was a stranger.

How do you function and move on from this stage? It’s breaking me and it’s all I can do to just go to work everyday.

Thanks.

I joined this subreddit at the lowest point after leaving a relationship with someone with BPD. Like many of you, I experienced gaslighting, manipulation, emotional dysregulation, and constant self-doubt. I questioned my own reality more times than I can count.
This community helped me understand that what I experienced was real, that the patterns I saw were not my imagination, and that I was not alone.
Five months later I can honestly say I'm in a good place. I barely think about her anymore. I've built a life I enjoy – new city, new goals, new clarity about who I am and what I won't tolerate again.
To anyone still in the thick of it: it gets better. No contact works. Your perception was right. You're not crazy.
Thank you for being part of my healing. Time to move on. 💙

Yesterday, I set a boundary with my pwBPD that he cannot call me a narcissist/NPD without a diagnosis moving forward and I gave him an ultimatum that I'd like to end our relationship if he does that again or if he truly believes I am a narc. I owned all of my poor communication, harmful behavior that I'm not proud of, everything negative I've brought to the relationship and apologized. This conversation took several hours, over text, phone, and a walk. There was a lot of gaslighting and redirecting but after many hours he said he would not do this anymore and he admitted that he says this to hurt me and shut me down. Initially he lashed out saying he wasn't going on our vacation planned a few months ago and I had said fine, I'm happy to go alone with the kids. Of course he mentions off hand today that we need to sort out the pets and is pretending everything is fine and normal.

I just need encouragement not to cave or forget this boundary. Do I write out like a plaque "Wife does not have NPD" and put it on the fridge 😂

Have you noticed no matter how much advice, comfort and guidance you give it's never enough and the behavior hardly improves over time.

To add, it's also why I do not want to deal with people who have poorly managed mental illness, I have dealt with bpd people growing up because I wanted to help them but nothing I ever said was enough. Call me ableist or say mental illness is okay until you show symptoms.. I have tried to be supportive and I grew up needing extra help at school and needing therapy but I don't stay a victim

So we broke up, mostly because I called her out on not treating me correctly, saying that the continuous insults and attempts to make me jealous were out of line. She blew up and falsely accused me of doing something which I am 100% certain I never did. Then she said it is over, I respected her decision and kept my distance After a couple days she’s now sent me 3 pages of text messages telling me how awful I was and the rest, and how her ex was far better than me. I’m guessing this is the final discard? What do you guys think?

I'm new at this and usually don't ask personal questions. My wife (been together almost 30 years) was diagnosed a few years ago. I believe it started after she told me about her and my brother having feelings for each other. As far as I know they fooled around but no sex. After confessing, she got extremely paranoid about her phone and started thinking that I was tracking her though it. After almost a year of accusations of this, she got increasingly violent to me, her mother (who used to live with us) and our boys. After multiple hospital stays (suicide attempts), I had to get a peace bond against her. After it expired, she moved back home. I lived downstairs and she took the bedroom. I want to sell the house and try to find peace as I find myself breaking down. Am I wrong for wanting to leave, I don't want anything to happen to her. But I just want peace

This aching pain still lingering.

I still love my ex, despite the verbal abuse and knowing my ex didn’t treat me right.

Why do we stuck like this? How long it took to stop feeling this way?

I know for sure my ex is a fuckin asshole, I never ever received treatment this bad in my past relationship. And I hate that I’m still attached somehow.

That's it. Years ago, for probably 2-3 years I felt the want to leave. This person isn't safe, this isn't normal, I never have these issues with others. My mistake was expressing my confusion to them, so they could gaslight me saying "Actually it's normal. You're wrong and shallow for wanting no conflict in a friendship".

I really should've trusted my gut. I say this was a good learning experience, but nah. This was just traumatic.

So I've read a lot about pwBPD getting supply in real life. In my observations, I also noticed my pwBPD spending almost every evening on online spaces. For example:

In a billion different Discord servers and VCs where they would create a false persona to lure in online friends to trauma dump onto. They would claim they are close to these friends and then trash talk them later on to me. It was crazy how far they would lie, like claiming they know they famous or intelligent people, that they go on elaborate holidays or trying to generally show off their knowledge for validation. Essentially framing themselves in a grandiose way.

Hours scrolling tiktok even in front of you when you're meant to be having a good time.

Starting arguments or provoking other people to their limits in chats even with friends they met in real life. Then blocking or ghosting when friends defend themselves to they don't have to listen to any logical rebuttal.

For all of them: Blocking and unblocking people online in sequence as a form of control and traumatizing people that grew attached to them. They would talk about those online friends as if they were soul tied BFFs, initially I thought they knew them in real so when I would ask to meet them they would clam up and say they never met them.

Like what? Oh, it's an online friend thousands of miles away who you've chatted to for 6 months and doesn't know the real you.

I feel like a LOT of us went through the same thing. Almost identical stories. So use this post for your experience, and the worst things they’ve done. If they split/discarded/blocked/stonewalled, etc…

And if they still hoovered/tried to fix things after their insane behaviour.

(SORRY - had to delete the last post as comments weren’t showing up 😩)

I recently figured out that a long distance friend of mine has BPD and that I'm her FP. When I gently and kindly set a boundary with her a few days ago, she immediately told me that she'd known all along I was starting to abandon her and that she questions if I was ever a good friend.

She also expressed jealousy that I have a supportive husband and close IRL friends. While I've put her DMs on mute for now, we unfortunately share space in a small group Discord. No one else in the Discord knows and I'm not too worried about losing the group even if they did (I'd get over it and move on if it came to that), but it's been interesting to watch her "perform" in there ever since I set the boundary. I think she's trying to show me that she doesn't only rely on me for friendship, but it's not very convincing and kind of sad to watch.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for validation from folks in a similar situation. I'm interested to hear from anyone else who's had to deal with being the FP of a BPD friend. Are you still talking to them or did you ultimately give up?

In my case, we're both very analytical and interested in emotional intelligence, but I've realized that she has been masking/fawning and only understands those things intellectually, not viscerally. The maturity gap is now apparent and I have the ick.

Hey everyone,

I joined this sub over a year ago as I was struggling to leave my girlfriend who has BPD. We have been together for 5 years and she was extremely abusive during that time in every way. I left once before for about 6 months before I fell back into the relationship. We have now been together for almost another year and it’s been more of the same shit despite her “working on her BPD”. She claims to have changed, but she’s just hiding her symptoms to keep me close. I started EMDR with a therapist in January because I was desperate to be free. The trauma bond was so strong I wasn’t able to leave without feeling like I was about to snap in two.

Now, I’m planning on leaving her for good on Friday. I don’t have the anxiety I used to have. Instead I’m filled with excitement and hope for my future and my freedom. I feel nothing but disgust towards her and can’t believe I ever loved her. I have no respect for her anymore now that I’ve been able to process all the trauma she’s given me. I feel so light and happy now. It’s like the fog has been lifted for me and I can see the situation clearly and have the strength and respect for myself to leave. I truly believe EMDR has saved my life. If you are struggling and have the means to go to someone who specializes in EMDR, please do!

We all know what it’s like in the beginning. For many of us it’s pure bliss. And then things change. Do they know present as some super perfect partner in the beginning vs what it devolves into? Are they aware they are masking?

Hi,

I'm just wondering if anyone here feels like they reached a breaking point with their BPD partner where they themself mirrored some of their partner's awful behaviors and then struggled with deep regret.

It wasn't overnight that this happened.

Basically, over the past year, I've gone through various phases of ways of dealing with my partner's behavior. More recently, something shifted in me and I have, to my horror, been doing some of the very things I criticize in him - I have had a very short temper and been engaging contempt a lot more often than i used to (cursing, shouting, calling him names back, etc.)

The culmination point was that today I threw and shattered 2 picture frames on the floor. I didn't know in the moment if I wanted them to break or not. I'll spare the details of what happened prior but you guys know how conflicts with a BPD partner or partner with BPD traits go. He was in the middle of an episode and I was the target.

The point is, I know that no amount of context will make what I did ok. And it feels like a permanent stain on my life. It feels like I've become just as bad as him. And I just can't shake the guilt. He has destroyed numerous items of mine over the past year, and I know he has forgiven himself for that and I have forgiven him too. But I don't know if I can forgive myself.

I really regret that I "let myself" get to this point, but it was also shaped largely by months of coercive escalation where i really didn't have options besides fighting back to defend myself. I learned over time that the normal, healthy way of handling things doesn't work with him. Still not ok what I did.

I don't know. I'm too tired to explain this well and there's so much more I want to say. I just wish I could rewind this day. This whole year maybe.