u/Beatlesrthebest

This drives me insane. My friend w/uBPD thought there was some kind of hidden agenda with me when I gave him gifts, called him and asked to hear how he was doing. He thought it was something more than it was. No matter how many times I told him that he was one of my best friends and I was worried about him... he thought I was trying to fuck with his emotions and beg for attention. I told him how much this accusation hurt me and that I cared about him, which he admitted to knowing as well. All the things I gave him when I was happy with our friendship was wall art, music, things to do outside, gift cards, funny movies, carrying on family traditions, and stuff he liked. I looked at him with respect and admiration because I thought the way he lived his life was cool. He went from a crush to someone I looked up to and hoped that we could continue being in each other's lives as close friends.

When I had a crush on him 20 years ago I gave him poems about the blue of his eyes or my love for him. Because I didn't think he was interested, I stopped writing those sorts of poems because I believed they could have made him uncomfortable. I still cared about him and would give him gifts every year because I thought he was a great friend. Very sensitive, emotional person, but I thought it was his personality. He would always say how much people abandoned him during hard moments in his life, such as a friend of 20+ years not coming to his dad's wake, dropping people. etc. How misunderstood he was and I wanted to understand him because I thought he was a beautiful person.

For fucks sake I keep looking on chatGPT about basic friendship gestures, such as gift giving, feelings about platonic friends, sentiments, what's normal and what's not. Everything you tell them, they turn around and make it look like you're obsessed. Right now I am giving him what we both need, silence. I've blocked him after he discarded me 2 months ago. He was always the one to provoke me with text but says I started the nonsense because I triggered him when I stood up for myself. That I triggered him because I wasted his time all along. The incel thinking at 60 kills me.

Fuck.

It was so weird. His sister came to me and told me that he was suffering and in a bad way. I felt like an asshole for ignoring him and I shed some tears but I woke up this morning with a mixture of emotions- anger, worry, guilt, sadness, love and hate.

I almost broke NC but then I replayed the last conversation and how he would pick apart everything I said post split/ mid reconciliation.

How he would twist my words when I shared vulnerable information with him because I trusted him as a friend.

I feel hungover but I didn’t drink. Does anyone else dream of their person with BPD?

And towards the end completely shift the blame

When the grief and pain hit me really hard, I have urges to text him and tell him exactly what I think of him and how he hurt me. I want to explode and imagine him with his jaw on the ground. Inside, I want to rage and meltdown in a way that put any 2-year-old denied candy to shame.

This is why I write unsent letters-- obviously it would do more harm than good (in my case) to actually say these things to him. These spaces help me express and feel anger in a meaningful way so that it does not get the better of me, so that I can live my life. It's not fucking fair how they feel they can kick us down or stress us out again and again, while out of the other side of their mouth tell us how we have walls, fear, and that we are so unempathetic. It makes me so fucking angry, and I am glad for my supports but the grief is so isolating.

Because of our fallout, I am experiencing heavy vaginal bleeding again, it's been going on for 2 weeks.

Fuck him.

For someone who says they don’t like drama they sure create a lot of it. They weaponize our right to privacy in our life and thoughts, our empathy despite us giving time and energy to them, and paint it as us being the unstable ones. They laugh at things we told them in confidence in friendship, using it in arguments that are unrelated as well as therapy speak despite never doing any work. Do they really know what narcissist or avoidant means????? The threats of suicide are so manipulative and cruel and one of the worst things someone can do to another if they don’t get their own way. Fuck.
I’m not in a good mood today and woke up thinking of my pwBPD which made me angry and upset. All the better for going NC.

It's been a month since I spoke with my friend w/uBPD. Today is a month since he last contacted me and sent me harassing text messages. In between now and then it was his birthday and I didn't reach out to him, despite initially believing that we had a shot at another friendship with new, clearer boundaries.

I keep going back to the first conversation we had this year. About 2 weeks after he apologized to my father, I reached out to him, telling him during the 7 or 8 months or so that we fell out that I accepted his apology and thanked him for it, also expressing sorrow and apologies for what I said to him and that I realize how much that hurt him, and that I said some terrible things in anger which I've never said again.

His reaction was overwhelmed, emotional, grateful, telling me how much of a beautiful, intelligent person he thought I was and how he apologized for saying nasty things about my family and my partner. The fact that I reached out to him he told me he saw it as a lifeline. I told him how worried I was about him and that his text to my father raised some alarm bells in that he didn't want to be here anymore, he felt like a burden and he'd been struggling with his MH for the past 10 years or so since his father died.

It didn't last, and he went back to splitting on me, telling me I'm messing with his feelings when he wanted to accept my friendship and stay my friend after confessing feelings to me that weren't returned.

I'm blown away at how he's spoken to me the last little while and when we agreed to take space, he sends me insulting messages after concluding it "goodbye", "you're a waste of time", "I don't want to talk about your therapy shit" while I was trying to console him in his existential crisis.

I feel like I've let him down, despite him telling me I was the lifeline.

It's just one of those days.

I consider myself an introvert with a small social circle. I don't interact with many people unless I do trust them. My pwBPD also knows that my parents told me a lot about their marriage when I was 12-13, and while my mom says that this was something she shouldn't have done, I believe my pwBPD uses it to his advantage. He says I help him feel emotionally safe and he was a huge support to my family when this was all happening which is why him and I are friends. I don't know how many times I've explained this to him, but he doesn't hear it, or when I do tell him this, he tends to cherry pick things about me and how I grew up and the things my parents did that he didn't agree with. He makes subtle comparisons between him and me and how we were raised by our parents. There is also 20 years difference between us so of course there will be some differences.

He says that they didn't prepare me properly for life, and while they were a little overprotective and strict, I believe they loved me and wanted the best for me and were doing things the way they were taught. I do not think they ever abused me.

The main thing is I believe I am living and functioning like a normal person. I have a job, I have 2 degrees and one diploma, and one of my biggest challenges over the last few years was surviving as my partner and I fell on hard economic times, but I did not want to burden my parents with this, and they don't need to know everything now that I'm an adult, so I took another job on and so did my partner, and we are slowly rising above the water.

He made it out like I have no idea over where my life is going. Bro if this was the case I would be on the street turning tricks and smoking crack, or curled up in the fetal position, or still living with my parents.

I have my bouts with anxiety and depression sometimes, but I feel I have become better at handling triggers. Yet he still sees me as this fragile, scared wretch who needs saving.

He knows I am a private person who doesn't trust easily, and I have learned the hard way that some people are evil, due to being sexually abused when I was a teenager. Yes, I was naive, but what do you really know at age 14? (this was when the abuse started-- to be clear it wasn't my friend w/BPD but someone on the internet who groomed me and took pictures).

He also says I try to create drama (last year anyways), when our friendship started to dissolve. I wanted to keep the conflict between him and I but he went to my mom and told her everything, that he knows I don't have many friends and that I do things to try and fit in??? Dude wtf, I am 37 years old and I don't need looking after. He's surprised and hurt I don't tell him things, but it's because everything I did tell him during the positive times in our friendship have been used against me when he split on me. He treats me as a social retard sometimes but then accuses me of making him feel like a "dumb dumb" because I taught myself certain things and found independence I didn't know I had.

Hi all,

I hope you're well and taking care of yourselves.

As I work through things something that keeps popping up in my mind is the fact that I was still technically a virgin when I was abused. By abused, I was groomed and photographed by someone I met online when I was 14. I never met him, so he never penetrated me with his penis, but I was made to do things on cam involving inserting objects with the threat of being exposed to the world. I never had my first real consensual sexual experience until I was 19 and this was oral sex/mutual masturbation. But I always held onto my virginity because I never had penile-vaginal sex, until I was 21. People saw me as an innocent girl throughout high school but there's no way I could have opened up about what happened as police and social services would have been involved.

Anyone experience non-contact CSA and never had sex until their late teens/early young adulthood? What was it like trying to navigate this, with the belief you were saving yourself but those terrible things still prevented you from telling?

And I’m trying to play the tape of what he last said to me, that any apologies I had for him didn’t mean shit, I was a waste of time because I didn’t return the feelings he had for me all these years (I didn’t know this until last year) and that my father and I are narcissists. He kept sarcastically interrupting me and talking about our friendship as it meant nothing.

I’m having a really hard time because I thought he changed. Recently there was a natural disaster which didn’t directly affect but was in his part of the province and I want to ask if he’s ok. After 2 weeks of agreed upon no contact he initiated contact by provoking me by texting goodbye towards my dad and I. I asked him why he texted me if he didn’t want to talk to me, and he said “why do you think?” It was a video about forgiveness in silence and no longer getting access to someone, I wanted to respect his feelings as well as my relationship, but he would always initiate contact with me. It bums me out because I was looking on Etsy and saw a really cool gift I know he’d like and I would give it to him if none of this would have happened. Now it doesn’t mean shit. Every year we would text each other on our birthdays but now I can’t and I don’t know what his reaction will be. He sounded in a terrible way when I called him and told me he doesn’t rely on me for his happiness but I made him feel emotionally safe a couple months ago. I wasn’t even insinuating anything.
I’m really worried about him. He’s been blocked FTR and I’ve blocked him before when he first split. I’m sure he’s been trying to message me but maybe I’m such a waste of time that he hasn’t bothered. I don’t want to hurt him by texting him or myself, but a part of me loves and cares for him as a friend, and he knew he would’ve been someone I would have died for, out of the few people I would (parents, partner and close family/friends).

I’m having a very hard time today because he said he didn’t want to end up like we did last year but he’s been the one saying nasty things and giving subtle jabs and put downs, and he knows how much that hurts me. Throughout trying to reconcile it’s been blame shifting from him and cycles of I don’t want us to fall out again, to hun taking responsibility and saying I did nothing wrong. Im physically and mentally exhausted from remembering that and my body has reacted by giving me shingles and irregular periods over the last year.

Today is rough.

It truly sucks at the beginning because of the time and energy you've invested in the hopes of a strong connection and positive relationship. When they assert their boundaries, they demand you listen without question, but when the shoe is on the other foot or you need silence or time to process things, it feels like they start badgering you with questions and accuse you of being uncommunicative, avoidant or even defensive. They talk endlessly about problems plaguing them for years, and talking for hours on end about it. That's fine, but when the tables are turned, towards the end I got that I was causing drama, acting like a victim and that I was "not fine", which really pissed me off even though they expect me to understand them as a complex being with different experiences. Rules for thee, not for me, I guess.

During arguments, some of the shit they bring up is really sensitive and not something I want to talk about necessarily, but then I also get the avoidant thrown at me.

I hate it because we would talk for hours and it seemed we really got each other. We connected very well as friends, and it was nice to just be there for each other and laugh or cry. He says he felt the most emotionally safe with me as a woman despite us never dating. He said that he was never close with his girlfriends the way he was with me, but we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. And now here we are. A 60-year-old pulling a nice guy act.

And for that reason, I'm uncommunicative. I am afraid because I wonder what will be held against me. I don't want to receive any more digital harassment, with stupid emojis and being called demeaning names. I don't want things to be taken out of context or held against me.

If you're silent, they can't accuse you of drama, and you in turn are not inviting this back in your life.

“I feel emotionally safe with you”

The last text he sent me was at the end of June with clown and poop emojis next to my picture. Prior to this when I called him he said that he was done with me, he wasted time on me and called my father and I narcissistic clowns who shit on him all the time. But weeks before, he said he didn't want to end like we did last year when he was the one who started this (insults, death threats, weird messages). Before he said he was sorry as well and now he tells me that what I've apologized for doesn't mean shit. He said I was in the gutter. 2 weeks prior we agreed to go VLC/NC due to unrequited feelings (him feeling this way towards me). But he still wants to be friends, yet says I am the one causing confusion and that he can't read between the lines with me anymore. It doesn't matter how gently I told him. he still doesn't want to listen.

I blocked him, but I am wondering if things had cooled down. Should I unblock and say nothing should I receive more text messages? Should I expect another apology? Because I can't play this hot and cold game with him. He is turning 60 and I fear it's going to be a lonely birthday for him, I am scared he will do something to harm himself and he was crying when we talked on the phone. I feel terrible.

Just wondering if you ever dealt with them looking for intentions or meanings that weren’t there. For example my friend with uBPD said that I used him as a backup if my relationship went south despite me never promising a future together, talking about being together and that deep down he knew I wasn’t after him. He said this during a split. Also that I was emotionally unavailable and loyal at the same time. They make no fucking sense.. you can tell them the same thing 60 different ways and they still won’t rest until they get the answer they want. It’s bringing up a lot of anger in me right now

Is it because the long term friendships serve as a means to an end-- they are getting their needs met (with work, admiration, emotional validation)? It's incredibly hurtful and maddening.

Were they understanding? Did they understand and take your physical symptoms seriously?

Hi all,

So it's been about a week NC with me and my friend w/ uBPD. It hasn't been as hard as it was the last time but we had agreed to go VLC 4 weeks prior to that due to feelings being involved that weren't reciprocated.

Of course, he found a way to harass me digitally (send me abusive, negative messages and emojis), and how much of a waste of time I was.

Meanwhile all this time he saw me as a great friend but now I shit on him I guess 🤨

I feel like he purposely finds ways to poke the bear and take sensitive information to hold against others.. such as what I told him about past trauma, financial struggles, etc. He tells me I am loyal because I am not going to cheat on or leave my partner, and that I respected him enough for him to back away. Now he mistakes my kindness and gift giving as flirting when it's been nothing of this nature. He appreciated the gifts I gave him previous years, the fact that I was thinking of him, and they were not romantic or sensual, I would always sign the cards from my partner, myself and my partner's daughter. My partner knew I was sending them. I sent him pictures of our cat, our patio, appreciation for gifts he bought me such as a sweatshirt I was wearing or maple syrup for breakfast. Some of them would be funny as they referred to inside jokes or puns we had. Just an admiration I have for him as a person and how he lived his life and treated others (before splitting, of course). He knew this! It feels like no matter how many times I told him he wouldn't believe me and he would look for subtext that wasn't there when it was the plain old fucking truth and the next time I said it I would go blue in the face. Yet he had no question I valued and cared for him as a person.

I often find myself asking chatGPT what platonic friends do for each other when I already know the answer-- such as giving meaningful gifts, sharing vulnerabilities, laughing together, even feeling like you'd die for one another because of the history, the time spent together without any sex, but emotional intimacy in that you can show up as you, warts and all. And he said he felt emotionally safe with me as I did for him.

Hell, even when he didn't reciprocate feelings (many years ago before I had a partner), my crush for him died because I didn't think we would be a couple and I stopped thinking he was interested so I found someone else, but I was cool with his friendship and enjoyed spending time together and I felt that no matter what, we would be friends for life. I felt he was one of those special people to enter my life for a reason without expecting an intimate relationship.

I find with him there's constant moving goalposts. He says he feels attacked and shit on? Can't feel attacked if I don't talk with him. 🙃

When we reconnected this year we had talked a little bit about vulnerability (ironic mistake). I said overall that I don't want to tell people things, and while my parents are good people I don't want to tell them things that might give them the impression that I am incapable or stupid if I fail in something. Not that they've ever said that I believe this is how I would be perceived deep down. Friend expressed his understanding and when it came to blows on Thursday. he turned around and said that he was one of the people who cared about me the most and that I trusted more than my own father. No, bro, there are some things I told you that I didn't tell my father because my dad would go into overprotective parent mode, while a friend might be a little bit more understanding. He said he was the person I could trust the most and everyone else was beneath him. I tried to talk but he kept cutting me off "yeah, ok, whatever, mmhm, sure," and he kept talking over me and mimicking what I was saying. Also that I was flirting with him the whole time when we agreed I wasn't doing it months ago. WTF.

The conversation wasn't going to go anywhere and I ended the call. I refuse to put myself through further abuse or demeaning treatment.

Mine did, he thought I was interested in him as a romantic partner rather than one of my best friends. he convinced himself that I had feelings for him when I didn't and he kept sending me tarot videos of twin flame shit.

Just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar expeirence?

He sent me texts over the last couple of days with a bunch of stupid emojis-- clowns, skull and cross bones and lightning bolts. Last night he sent me a picture of myself along with a clown and poop emoji. I thought he might need some time to think about what he's done and naively, I thought it was an honest mistake.

Let me bring you back.

About a month ago we both agreed we needed space because he had feelings for me which I didn't return back to him despite his belief I did have them. I did at one time, but they faded because I didn't think he wanted to be with me and in the end I couldn't see my friend and I as a couple or partnership.

He mistook my kindness, gifts and keeping in touch with him as flirting with him when he admitted he treated me like one of the guys and was too shy to tell me his feelings all this time. He said that I looked at him with love in my eyes, and I did have admiration for him because I respected how he lived his life and how he was as a person. We did not flirt, nor have sex while I was in a relationship because he said he respected me and my partner.

On Thursday he tells me he wasted time on me all these years and all I do is shit on him despite caring for me so much and said some choice insults about my dad and partner. I thought he didn't want me keeping in touch with him because it hurt too much and yes I did ask him how he was doing, but it was because I cared about his MH and we've been friends for so long. He knew he had a special place in my heart as a friend, but now he's scoffing and laughing at that. When I talked to him, he kept interrupting me and I asked him angrily if I could talk. He swore up and down that he didn't want things to end like they did last year, which was a shit show.

But it meant so much to him that I texted him and reached out to him in January.

He apologized in January for the things he said (this past winter, he made death threats, called people names, held sensitive information against us) and that he would never do it again. I know my dad hadn't spoken to him since January because he was on the receiving end of the death threats, me more the name calling and insults. When he apologized he said that he always felt emotionally safe with me, I always was kind to him, etc. Towards the end (what I now know is devaluation), he said that I am naive, easily abused and manipulated because he doesn't like the fact I'm with someone. My partner does not abuse or manipulate me, in fact my friend does with the name calling and the gaslighting.

So yeah, for being someone he feels so emotionally safe with, I feel like I was his emotional support animal that took kicks when what I said didn't fit his narrative. I reacted to his insults because I was hurt last year, he accuses me of being immature and defensive when he acted like a fucking college aged incel who got turned down. His feelings are being taken advantage of, he says, and that he wants to remove all access from everyone who's toxic and narcissistic. For the record, he was with a married woman 30 years ago and he said he didn't want to put himself in that position again like he was before. I agreed and did not talk to him, letting him take his space.

He comes back and says that I am uncommunicative and immature and that I don't talk about things, and that he's working through his emotions.

Now he wants me to have empathy and this is what he calls himself. What a joke. He didn't think I had it in me to block him last year, but I did for 7-8 months. It felt really difficult, but I knew I didn't deserve to be abused/

So I am going to tell him how naive I was to trust him. How he was right, I am easily manipulated and abused. By him. How he can go cry to his new supply who he says is his best friend. How he can eat his words like he did the married woman's twat, and to go back to her and her simp husband if he feels like such an option with me. That he can go fuck himself. And that I am done being his emotional support animal. Then I will block him.

Fuck him.

He sent me a really nasty text message re my loved ones again this year, when he said he didn’t want things to End like they did last year. He signed off with a video and a good bye when about a month ago he wanted to take space and not talk to me. I asked him why he send the video and he said I was a shitty Friend who shits on him, but Two months ago he said he was emotionally safe with me. It’s such an exhausting fucking came and I want to rip him a new asshole in the worst way. But it would likely come back to haunt me and that I was defensive while being verbally abused and given supreme NiceGuy treatment. should I just block now or ream him out?