r/lostafriend

You watch her go out, have fun, and make new friends. Meanwhile, she ghosted you and never reached out.

Every story starts to feel like proof that the friendship meant nothing to her. Then you shame yourself for crying over someone who looks completely fine without you.

So you keep checking, hoping one sad post or repost will prove she misses you too. You think that proof will make you feel less foolish for caring.

And maybe one day, you finally get the answer you wanted. You find out she does miss you, and for a moment, you feel better.

But she still does not reach out. That is when you realize someone can miss you and still choose not to show up for you.

The real question was never, “Does she miss me?”

It was, “Is she willing to show up?” Her silence already answered that.

Here’s a simple step to help you let go. Write the letter you will never send to her. Then list how your ideal best friend would treat you. You may realize the person you keep missing does not even meet your new standards.

You do not need proof that she misses you to move on. You need to stop letting her silence decide how long you stay hurt.

I had a friend I met on a game back in 2020. We became very close and up until a few days ago I would have considered them my best friend. We spoke daily about anything and everything.

3 months ago we got into an argument. We've had serious arguments before but they were far and few between and we were always able to make up and move on. This one was a little different and I suppose.

So after a few back and forths there was radio silence from both of us for 2 months. The more time went on the more I didn't know what to say to make things better. I wanted to message every day but felt like I was going to make things worse. Unfortunately not messaging is what made things worse and they deleted their entire account and removed me from anything I might be able to contact them on.

That account was the only way I could reach them and I'm left with no way to say sorry. 6 years of friendship gone and I can't apologize. I didn't want it to end this way, I was stupid, but now there's nothing I can do except hope they add me again on another account, but knowing them that's very doubtful.

Just felt like venting here, I know there isn't much I can do at this point. If anyone is in a similar situation I really suggest reconnecting with that person before they're gone forever.

Need to shout this into the void because I genuinely don’t know how to process this right now.

My best friend and I have known each other since nursery class. We’ve been close our entire lives. No matter how busy life got, we’d talk at least once a week and just rant about everything. Over time, I developed deep feelings for her, but I kept them buried for years. I couldn't risk ruining the friendship, and I literally couldn't imagine my life without her in it.

Last month, I had some work in Gurgaon, where she’s been living and working for the last year and a half. I went over to her place just to hang out and catch up. After a drink, out of nowhere, she came close and kissed me. I was so caught off guard that I instinctively pulled back a bit. The vibe immediately shifted. It got super awkward, and she asked me to leave.

For the next few weeks, I tried keeping things normal, but every call felt stiff and distant. Finally, she brought up what happened. I wanted to give her a safe exit, so I told her: "Look, if it was just the alcohol, I'm okay with forgetting it. But if you actually have feelings for me, I'm okay with that too. I just want to talk to you."

That’s when she confessed that she’s had deep feelings for me for a long time. Hearing that, I couldn't hold back anymore—I confessed my feelings too.

Instead of things getting better, she started sobbing. Then she hit me with the worst logic possible: "We shouldn't do this. Now that we both know, we're going to end up ruining both the friendship and a potential relationship. I love you too much to let us end on bad terms in the future. We need to stop talking right here."

I begged her to just try, or at least pretend we never said anything and go back to being friends. I told her I couldn't handle losing her. But she just said, "Please don't force me, let's just end it on a good note," and hung up.

Since then, she has blocked my phone number, socials, and even my work Outlook email. I tried reaching out a couple of days later through another channel just to see if she calmed down, but absolute radio silence.

I feel completely gutted. I lost the most important person in my life in the span of a few weeks over a confession we both wanted. Part of me wants to respect her boundaries and leave it alone, but another part of me feels like throwing away 15+ years of history without even trying is insane.

Am I supposed to just accept this and move on, or is she just overwhelmed and panicking? I don't even know what to do anymore.

I honestly never thought I’d be making a post in here, but here I am.
My friend and I are no longer friends, and I’m still trying to process how quickly everything fell apart.

There’s been a lot going on with me and my boyfriend and apparently the situation has affected my friend a lot more than I realized. They have their own history and their own trauma surrounding relationships, and I genuinely do understand that. I’m not trying to dismiss that or act like their feelings aren’t valid. But at the same time, I can’t heal those things for them.

This morning they messaged me and basically told me that, with everything that had happened, they felt like I had become like their mom and that I wasn’t considering their feelings. They also told me they felt like I was more concerned with “chasing dick” than I was with our friendship.

And honestly? That shit hurt.
Not just because of the words themselves, but because this is someone I considered my friend. Someone I loved. Someone I thought I could have an honest conversation with even when we disagreed.
I can understand someone saying, “Your relationship is triggering things for me and I need some distance.” I actually think that’s fair. If being around my relationship or hearing about what happens between me and my boyfriend brings up things they’re not ready to deal with, then okay. I can respect that.

What I don’t think is fair is making me feel like choosing to be in my relationship means I’m choosing dick over my friendship or that I’m somehow becoming a bad person because my life doesn’t look the way they think it should.
I’m not saying my relationship is perfect. It isn’t. I’m not saying I’ve handled every single situation perfectly either, because I know I haven’t. I can acknowledge my own mistakes without accepting responsibility for somebody else’s trauma.

And I think that’s the part that is really fucking frustrating for me.
I understand that my relationship may be a trigger for them. I understand that they have feelings about things that have happened. I understand that sometimes you have to remove yourself from situations that are hurting you.

If ultimately they needed to walk away from our friendship because my relationship was too triggering for them, then fine. I’m not going to force somebody to stay in a friendship that they no longer feel is healthy for them. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry. And it definitely doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I lost somebody I genuinely cared about. I think two things can be true at the same time. My friend’s feelings can be valid, and I can still feel hurt by how they handled things.

I don’t hate them. I don’t think they’re a horrible person. I know they have their own shit that they’re dealing with, and I sincerely hope they work through it. I just wish our friendship didn’t have to become collateral damage because of it. I’m annoyed. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. And honestly, right now I’m just grieving the friendship while also trying to accept that maybe this is where it ends. I guess sometimes loving somebody as a friend also means accepting that you can’t be the person who saves them from things you didn’t cause.

I have a best friend who’s been in my life for the last 4 years. We’re long distance, so we talk on the phone a lot. I would say most weeks we talk every other day, and we can talk for hours sometimes. We both support each other through things we’re going through and I’d say we’ve both had a rough go of it this past year.

A few days ago she called and wanted to talk about somethings we had been discussing for weeks. I felt somewhat frustrated, because she has not made any of the appropriate boundaries or changes in her life to keep these problems from happening, and frankly when we talk during the work day I’m not very focused. I shouldn’t have taken the call. She also said something the day before that was so incredibly insensitive I wasn’t very interested in the talk. I very frankly told her it’s time for her to go back to therapy. And that our friendship was mainly comprised of big heavy topics, and no levity. I can definitely see now how I should have separated those two conversations.

The next day she texts me how disappointed she was in the conversation and that “for once she needed to lean on me.” Which is simply not true. I’ve been emotionally drained by our conversations and I have been listening to her talk about her problems for years. So that all or nothing statement really made me angry.

Then we got on the phone and she told me my ability to be a good supportive friend is mood dependent, and that if I’m in a bad mood I’m not a very good listener and I say rude comments. She then said she has listened to me on end regardless of mood and this was unfair. I think the mood comment is good feedback, and something to pay attention to, but then she told me she had been talking to me for hours and had to stay late at work sometimes because of it. I never asked her to do that and she is more than welcome to tell me she can’t talk. The thing that makes me super upset about this comment is she’s acting like these conversations were ONLY about me. That’s nowhere near reality. We weave our stories like a natural conversation and talk about both of our lives.

She then told me that she had been harboring resentment for years based on other comments I had said. I asked for examples and her examples were taken so far out of context I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t try to argue, I just apologized and told her I’ve never had a negative thought about her in those ways, which is the truth, so if that’s what she took away from it I’m incredibly sorry.

She also told me that she withholds happy things in her life from me, an example being that she received a raise at work but told me since I was going through a tough time at work she didn’t want to tell me. I told her of course she could tell me and I would be happy for her. I’m so confused as to how she jumped to that conclusion.

I asked her how long she’s felt this way and she said since she bought her house. It seemed to me that she was hinting at me being jealous and rude about her home. Which was shocking to me because when she bought her home I made sure to over do my reaction because of how much she felt unsupported by others in her life.

The part that really hurt, was that for months she’s been telling me stories about how her family sucks then saying “people in my life think everything is ok and we have a great relationship, but it’s because I’m being fake. No one reciprocates my support for them.” And in those moments I’m telling her F them you deserve better, and she said she was also including me in those statements.

When the fight first happened I sent her flowers and an apology, because I’m genuinely sorry for any hurt. Yesterday I sent her a very thoughtfully crafted message that also called out her approach to all of this, and her inability to be honest with me and blind siding me when I thought we had a fantastic relationship. I have checked in with her about how I’m doing as a friend many times and never heard a single complaint just reassurance. We have multiple trips to see each other lined up, and recently she’s been pushing to make them sooner.

Has this happened to anyone else? How do you forgive or do you? It feels to me pretty impossible to come back from a 180 flip like this.

My friend and I got into a drunken argument and I woke up to being blocked on all social media and texts.
My question is: Should i try reaching out via mutual friends? Or respect her boundary?

I would like to have one sober conversation because completely ending our friendship but also want to respect her space.

I don't even get to be left on read anymore. It's been 10 days. I noticed that we started to really drift apart about a month ago, when they stopped sharing their regular thing with me (can't go into more detail, trying to keep it vague, sorry). I've asked what's up multiple times and got ignored. Our friendship seems to be going down the toilet or is already there. They have more than a dozen friends, I have one. That's why I'm still clinging onto it. I need more friends, but it's impossible for me at this point in life. All I've got is loneliness and misery.

I am not looking for any advice on how to fix this situation, as the friendship is very much over, but just looking for some advice if anyone has been through a similar very vague and abrupt friendship breakup, and how you dealt with it. I am struggling to cope with it emotionally even though I think her leaving my life was likely for the best in the long run.

I'll try to keep this as short possible:

My friend Lya and I met in 2018 and connected because we are both photographers and met through work. We have been pretty close the last 8 years, texting each other pretty much every day and hanging out at least a few times a month. I am child free and she had a kid four years ago and I was nervous that this would change our dynamic substantially, but I was happy that it actually didn’t and we were both accepting of each other’s choices, at least I thought.

The past year or so, Lya has been getting more into video content and started talking about how she wanted to quit her full-time job to freelance. I have been freelance for 6 years and I was extremely supportive of this idea. I would offer my advice or perspective whenever it seems relevant and I was always telling her that she was talented enough that she would be successful if she went off on her own. Whenever I lent advice I noticed it created really weird tension and she would reject everything I had to say, even when I was just trying to be helpful/encouraging. She always wanted to position herself as the expert even though I had a lot more experience. But whatever, this was something I could let go and I stopped offering advice.

The last 6 months or so she was really leaning hard into being this kind of influencer/content, creator hybrid, or whatever you want to call it. I am really not big on influencer culture, and she knows that, but I was still trying my best to be supportive in whatever she wanted to do. She started taking on this weird HIGHLY self aggrandizing persona that was new for her and 99% of our conversations became about how amazing she is. She created an alter ego with a different name and started referring to herself by that name even in personal contexts. At this point, things started feeling very odd to me.

She would send me her videos before she posted them on Instagram not asking for advice, but basically just saying "This is the next big thing“. I always found this behavior extremely cringe but I still tried my best to just smile and say wow that’s great.... but I’m sure at some point she could tell I was a little put off by her inflated ego. I’ve had success in my career doing commercial work, but I would never in a million years say the things that she was saying about herself so it started to become a big divide.

The breakdown happened very sudden suddenly about three months ago when she abruptly stopped responding to my messages and was giving me the silent treatment. I kept asking over and over what was going on and if she was mad at me, but every time she would deny it and say she was just busy, but I knew there was something going on. Eventually, after I asked multiple times if we could meet up and talk, she kept avoiding it, and then finally told me over text that she was having bigger realizations that "I don’t fully see her for who she is". I kept suggesting that we need to have this conversation in person and asking if she would be open to that, but she wasn’t. I then started asking if she could provide me more examples of specifics and making her feel misunderstood or unseen so I could do better, but she just kept reiterating her vague statements about how I don’t fully understand or accept who she is, and that I’ve been making her feel misunderstood for a long time. At the end, she threw in something I found quite hurtful where she said “I’m a direct mirror of everything that you don’t like, for example our differences in motherhood". Her having a kid and me not has never once been an issue in our friendship and I felt like she kind of threw this in as a low blow.

Anyway, that was all that happened. She basically sent me a text message refused to meet up in person or tell me what exactly she was feeling and we never spoke again. Weeks later, I received a DM on instagram from one of our mutual aqcuaintences where he said he was sorry she was doing this to me, and he theorized that I was just collateral damage for her going through this identity shift. He provided more information to me, which was that she felt like I didn't support her career to the level that she wanted. Part of me thinks she started getting all this (fake) validation online and then started expecting her real life friends to do the same. Some did and some didn't adapt to the level of adoration she required I guess. That's just now who I am though.... I love and support my friends but I don't worship them and I don't expect them to worship me (like ew?).

This has hit me like a ton of bricks though because I don't have many close friends I talk with daily and she was one. To be discarded over this is just wild to me and I'm struggling to accept it.

Anyone else had this or something similar happen to them??

Hello everyone,

Like the title says, I lost all of my friends. Well, my main group of friends, the ones I grew up with.

It was a very messy situation. I don't want to explain it all either, for personal reasons. But if I had to put it plainly, I had a massive connection with a friend, and we later realized that we had hurt each other in many ways throughout the years. After a year, after being better to each other, that friend started bringing that time in our lives again, and instead of acknowledging we had both done wrong, he started to talk in ways that made it seem I was the only person that had done wrong.

A month ago, I get blocked everywhere, without a conversation. All my other friends are informed by him of this matter. In the span of days, a lot of people people blocked me, and never gave me a chance to speak about anything. One of them saying they didn't want to hear my side because of things they saw.

This is the first time I ever felt so betrayed, hurt, excluded, in my whole life. Not even when people died I felt this pain, if I am allowed to be honest. I couldn't eat, thankfully I could sleep. But my closest friends, people I had grown up with, were all gone. None of them gave me a chance to speak, and left me to rot, in a way.

It's been some time now, and I do feel slightly better. I had built a self care routine before all of this happened, which is now barely non existent, but I am not crying everyday, nor having thoughts of vanishing the planet. I am slowly going back to my hobbies, but sometimes, these thoughts come to my mind. It's the first time ever I am dealing with such a heavy loss, which on top of it, also comes with the fact that they all hate me for something I thought was already in the past. Something I thought we had both learned from, and moved on.

But I also don't want this to define who I want to be and who I will be. I know that they have moved on, and it pains me to know they have, but I still somewhat haven't. I don't want them to have the satisfaction, or my main friend that caused all of this, to know that I am in the deep shit, mentally speaking. I trusted people so deeply, gave so much for people too, only for in the end, to get this. I am in my 20's, and this really hurts. But in a way, it's a big lesson for me as well.

If you have any thoughts on this situation, or any tips on how to deal with this, or even maybe similar experiences, I'd love to hear them.

Thank you for reading this.

After that fling, I thought for a long time about telling my friend, but I didn't have the courage—until he found out on his own. We talked, and I apologized profusely, but his ex-girlfriend took advantage of the situation by telling everyone we knew; she played the victim and portrayed herself as an ex breaking free from her past life. I had already largely ruined the friendship with my best friend, but she made things worse, and that’s what prevented us from reconciling. So, I’m asking the community to help me fix things—but nothing will get resolved until I turn the tables on her. PLEASE HELP ME.

Contexto eu e essa amiga se conhecemos desde 2019 pela época que estudamos juntas no fundamental. Teve um tempo q a gente perdeu o contato e eu me mudei de cidade… mas uns 3 anos atrás voltamos a ter contato. Eu já fiz viagens pra poder rever ela visitá-la mais 5h quando dava é assim agente mantinha contato. Recentemente ela começou uma faculdade numa cidade muito próxima da minha por esse motivo eu achei q a gente poderia se ver mais por que antes eu tinha que pegar uma van e ficar mais 5h lá agora seria mais fácil só 1h de distância. Mas esse encontro nosso só aconteceu 1 única vez por que eu fui até a cidade que ela tá estudando. Nas férias dela eu tbm ofereci de acolher ela lá em casa ( tenho casa nessa mesma cidade) pra ela passar pelo menos 1 dia lá comigo, e ela não quis sempre senti q era eu que puxava a relação mas não ligava muito pra isso, aí vez outra quando ela postava story se divertindo com os outros amigos eu zoava falando coisas que claramente era brincadeira tipo: tô com ciúmes da minha mulher e coisas novas do tipo… eu não me sentia mal de verdade por ela ter outros amigos pelo contrario eu apoiei muito ela fazer amizades na faculdade e incentivei falando que isso seria importante, eu tbm sou do tipo de garota que simplesmente adora colocar a auto estima de quem é importante pra mim lá em cima ou seja todo vez que eu vejo uma amiga arrumada postando algo que eu achei legal, eu vou sim curtir e comentar! E com ela foi isso que eu sempre fiz… tbm pelo fato de sermos amigas e não nos vermos muito sempre que eu a via tentava colocar o assunto em dia… eu não tô vivendo nada extraordinário tô no início da vida ou seja as coisas q eu tinha pra compartilhar com ela eram: assuntos sobre a faculdade, assunto sobre o enem, perguntava sobre a vida dela como estava, falava sobre músicas, falava sobre o passado da época que estudávamos juntas,perguntas sobre a família dela,como andava o relacionamento dela, quando dava falava um pouco da minha vida amorosa tbm ( por ser solteira acaba que rende mais assunto do que uma pessoa num relacionamento estável) e mandava reels e meme pra ela. Nós duas temos gostos parecidos e isso que nos aproximava como amigas o amor por um certo grupo de k-pop bem famoso, aí recentemente teve uma polêmica envolvendo esse grupo… e quando eu vi a proporção que aquilo tinha tomado fiquei meio abalada… fui conversar com ela e defender meu ponto de vista sobre a situação… até aí ok, aí ela disse que concordava enfim e depois eu falei q eu tava triste com a situação mais acreditava que teria uma reviravolta um pronunciamento da parte do grupo, e disse que até lá iria dar meu apoio aos membros pq não considero nada demais essa polêmica, aí ela me respondeu assim: Você é burra ou ta se fazendo? Ninguém tem que focar te explicando o óbvio não, vai na internet e pesquisa.
Eu falei que não queria discutir mas isso não era maneira dela defender o ponto de vista dela chamando os outros de burro, e falei com aquele era meu ponto de vista e pronto, aí ela respondeu: tbom mana, vai falando aí com seu cérebro de peito de frango, aí eu me irritei por o tempo todo ela ficou insistindo em me rebaixar e respondi assim: Acho q o cérebro de peito de frango aqui, tá funcionando melhor que o de certas pessoas né, dito isso ela ficou pedindo explicação de quem seria as certas pessoas, e eu falei que o óbvio não precisava ser explicado, e ela disse que não estava óbvio pq ela se direcionou a quem ela quis e puxei a mensagem e respondi: ambas. E no final ela ficou insistindo perguntando quem era essas certas pessoas e eu já tava sem paciência não queria mais discutir e respondi: ninguém, deixa pra lá. e ela respondeu: tá. Mas eu já tava me arrumando pra faculdade e então nem abri q conversava novamente pra ver mais nada. Quando eu cheguei de noite pra ver o Instagram eu vi q ela tinha feio uma sequência de storys de indireta pra mim expondo tudo que a gente já viveu durante a amizade simplesmente pra quem quisesse ver no Instagram ( detalhe story público) só não citou meu nome porém me descreveu basicamente. Ela falou que tem uma menina que quer ser ela, que não consegue mais postar as coisas dela pq essa “tal menina “ quer roubar a personalidade dela, chamou de cão, chamou de satanás chamou de todo tipo de nome, falou de situações extremamente específicas explo: uma vez vi ela usando uma lente e tava com vontade fazia tempos de comprar uma pra mim tbm aí pedi o link ela me passou e eu comprei porém totalmente diferente a lente q eu comprei era verde a dela cinza e a minha tinha grau, ai ela usou isso como argumento pra dizer q eu era invejosa e queria roubar a personalidade dela!?, falou tbm q tinha umas encomendas q iam chegar mais ela nem ia postar pra essa tal de invejosa não ver, falou que tinha um jogo q vai lançar mais ela tá até com medo de postar sobre ele pra essa invejosa não ir lá e copiar e depois falar q é personalidade dela ( eu nem jogo, só joguei algumas vezes pq ela insistiu muito e era um esforço q eu fazia pra podermos passar tempo juntas) falou tbm que até as músicas q ela escuta eu copio ( sendo que as musicas que ela escuta é extremamente padrão! Bts é Michael jackson ) e eu não tenho 1 foto no meu feed com nada parecido, falou tbm q essa menina queria mandar dela que nem postava quando ia sair com os outros amigos pq essa outra comentava quando ela postava foto ela mesma admitiu q percebeu que era zoeira, mas depois falou que nem a mãe dela mandava nela. Falou tbm das vezes que desabafei com ela sobre problemas pessoais, disse que não era psicóloga pra essa tal menina só procurar ela pra falar coisa ruim ( só comentei 2 vezes com ela sobre isso) aí mandou fazer uma terapia disse que era pra ser quem eu sou pq eu pintei o cabelo de ruivo e ela tá com o cabelo vermelho, porém eu já queria pintar fazia 2 anos nem sabia q ela faria o mesmo depois, além disso meu cabelo antes já era ruivo só que dessa vez mudei o tom é simplesmente não é nada parecido com o dela o dela é vermelho e curto e o meu é longo e mais puxado pra o cobre e laranja enfim e mandou fazer uma terapia e me chamou de capeta. e teve muita mais coisa basicamente pelos storys dela eu descobri e ela meio que me detestava, descobri tbm que a pessoa que eu tinha 7 anos de amizade tinha uma visão sobre mim que eu não considero nem 1% como realidade todo esse papinho de inveja não condiz com quem eu fui durante a amizade, eu sempre a admirei… era o completo oposto, nunca passou na minha cabeça q ela pensava isso de mim pela lógica, Sei q ela tava com raiva e tudo mais porém achei infantilidade ela falar tudo isso nos story, se ela tivesse é chegado pra mim falado que tava sentindo eu ia me desculpar e falar que não imaginava q ela se sentia assim. Porém agora eu já nem sei se ela só tava desabafando ou foi q raiva que fez ela falar tudo isso… eu mesma não queria perder uma amizade por conta de uma discussão sobre k-pop pq pra mim nem faz sentido… mas tbm fico pensando será que ela sempre pensou isso de mim? Será q vale a pena ir conversar com ela pq simplesmente nem sei o que pensar depois de receber tanta informação. Vocês responderiam as indiretas e seriam diretos perguntando pra ela se aquilo é a opinião sincera dela ou fingiriam que nem se tocaram e deixariam pra lá e se afastariam dessa amizade?

​

I had a friend two years ago, we were almost friends for a year and we were close, or I felt like we were - I always had an odd emotional pattern, I get over some people rather quickly, but others reside in my mind even if I'm over them. When we broke off I wasn't a good friend, I unintentionally self sabotaged and acted weirdly, I made the situation worse by refusing to move on for months. They made it clear throughout that period they don't want to be friends again. I moved on. I'm over it. While I wish I did better and didn't fumble such bond, I realized it was a wake up call and helped me. But still, I want to satisfy that itch of being their friend again. How do I become friends again with someone who probably fully moved on from me in these two years because they don't have my strong memory and selective " hold " for things, and has made it clear before they don't want to be my friend at all again ? I'm afraid If I approached our mutual about it, they'll be disappointed and think I'm the same period from back then who's unstable and can't move on. It's rlly not like that, I just hold the realization/sentiment that said person was a good company and played a role in me fixing my mentality, therefore I'd enjoy them having a role in my life. Is there anything that can be done or said ?

A situation where you two have been friends for more than a year then they text you saying that they decided to leave, confessing that they developed feelings for you and you confess back to them in the same way but then you both get the reality check that this is something never meant for both of you, and it's an unrealistic approach, things would end up hurting you even more in the future so you both end it there

I'm the betrayer in this case I ruined the friendship because I didn't defend my friend's back when someone was talking about the situation that happened with her badly but I apologized and tried to fix things by going to the same person and defending because at the first time I remained neutral saying everyone has its own way of dealing with things and there are so many types of people when the other talked about my friend saying that she was childish for not wanting to answer the phone