I lost a friend because my relationship became a trigger for them, and I’m honestly just hurt
I honestly never thought I’d be making a post in here, but here I am.
My friend and I are no longer friends, and I’m still trying to process how quickly everything fell apart.
There’s been a lot going on with me and my boyfriend and apparently the situation has affected my friend a lot more than I realized. They have their own history and their own trauma surrounding relationships, and I genuinely do understand that. I’m not trying to dismiss that or act like their feelings aren’t valid. But at the same time, I can’t heal those things for them.
This morning they messaged me and basically told me that, with everything that had happened, they felt like I had become like their mom and that I wasn’t considering their feelings. They also told me they felt like I was more concerned with “chasing dick” than I was with our friendship.
And honestly? That shit hurt.
Not just because of the words themselves, but because this is someone I considered my friend. Someone I loved. Someone I thought I could have an honest conversation with even when we disagreed.
I can understand someone saying, “Your relationship is triggering things for me and I need some distance.” I actually think that’s fair. If being around my relationship or hearing about what happens between me and my boyfriend brings up things they’re not ready to deal with, then okay. I can respect that.
What I don’t think is fair is making me feel like choosing to be in my relationship means I’m choosing dick over my friendship or that I’m somehow becoming a bad person because my life doesn’t look the way they think it should.
I’m not saying my relationship is perfect. It isn’t. I’m not saying I’ve handled every single situation perfectly either, because I know I haven’t. I can acknowledge my own mistakes without accepting responsibility for somebody else’s trauma.
And I think that’s the part that is really fucking frustrating for me.
I understand that my relationship may be a trigger for them. I understand that they have feelings about things that have happened. I understand that sometimes you have to remove yourself from situations that are hurting you.
If ultimately they needed to walk away from our friendship because my relationship was too triggering for them, then fine. I’m not going to force somebody to stay in a friendship that they no longer feel is healthy for them. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry. And it definitely doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I lost somebody I genuinely cared about. I think two things can be true at the same time. My friend’s feelings can be valid, and I can still feel hurt by how they handled things.
I don’t hate them. I don’t think they’re a horrible person. I know they have their own shit that they’re dealing with, and I sincerely hope they work through it. I just wish our friendship didn’t have to become collateral damage because of it. I’m annoyed. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. And honestly, right now I’m just grieving the friendship while also trying to accept that maybe this is where it ends. I guess sometimes loving somebody as a friend also means accepting that you can’t be the person who saves them from things you didn’t cause.