r/limerence

As the title says.

I'm 32, she's 31. We met in my sophomore and her freshman year of high school. We were both in the same tight-knit friend group. For a lot of that time, I dated her best friend and she dated my best friend. I always knew I liked her and wanted to be with her. Not that I didn't love my actual girlfriend, but she was always in the back of my mind whenever we all hung out together, which was basically all the time. But there was never a point in that whole time when both of us were available at the same time, so I did my damndest to compartmentalize those feelings and largely succeeded.

We all broke up or otherwise went our separate ways around the end of school, as you do. LO moved across the country, neither of us are big on socials, I didn't have any contact with her or think about her much at all for about a decade, although she would occasionally cross my mind, and weirdly my sex dreams.

I did reconnect with my ex after several years though, and we rebuilt a deep and unburdened platonic friendship that continues to this day. That's how I bumped into LO again a couple years ago, she was back in town for one of ex's parties. We were by far the last ones to go to bed that night. Had a one on one conversation about everything in our lives for hours. Then a year or so after that, I saw her again at ex's 30th birthday. Again, LO and I sat in a corner and talked one on one for most of the night, barely even interacting with anyone else. Notably, both of our LTRs, who are now our respective spouses, were not at either of those parties. I think we both gave subtle and maybe even not-so-subtle signals of interest throughout both times; but who's to say for sure, I could have just imagined them on her end.

After each time seeing each other in person, we texted for a very short time but the conversation quickly fizzled out. I can't be sure why that was either, but I think whatever her underlying feelings were, maybe we both just had the good sense to shut down in the sober light of day.

I've experienced limerence twice outside of this, both in the long time gap between parts one and two of this story. Both cases were very different from each other and this one in the details. They were more intense, contiguous, and with someone who was otherwise not involved in my life at all. One was deep and tied to a very traumatic time in my life, and the other was short-lived because I successfully recognized it and nipped it in the bud. I had not been thinking of the person I'm talking about here as an LO until today because it felt different than those times, but I think she is. If nothing else just because of the sheer longevity of these feelings, but also the ambiguous nature of our interactions (or my reading too much into them) and her complete and utter unavailability throughout all of it.

For the past few weeks I've been posting advice and testimonies on this sub as a success story, admittedly somewhat unashamedly and arrogantly at times, but through that I've also been unraveling my own story within myself; memories I hadn't thought of in years, connections I've never made before, etc. I've come to realize that all of my LOs share a lot of qualities that are not shared by any of my normal romantic interests/partners, and I think today I realized that the ex and LO of this story may have, to a certain extent, become the archetypes for LTR and LO in my mind all the way back in high school.

Anyway, with that clarity in mind, I decided to just get it off my chest and tell LO. I've heard that a definitive rejection can break limerence and I've never had a chance to experience that before, and she's barely a part of my life at all anymore, so I didn't have much to lose. Earlier today I told her my feelings in the briefest, most direct, most low-pressure, and kindest way I could think of.

I immediately had 10,000 regrets and anxieties about it, and it ate at me for hours, but now that the nerves have died down I think I'm at peace with it. I made some opening small talk so I know she's there, but she has yet to respond to my confession. If she never does, I think that's fine too. I've already learned to take silence as an answer as loud as any other. I'd hate to lose an old friendship with that much history, but I'd rather be able to close that chapter of the book at this point.

I'm cautiously optimistic that this is the last piece of the story that needed to be untangled, and that now I can carry on with my happy and fulfilling current and future family life unburdened by a strange and thorny past love life.

Most advice tells you to just cope or wait for time to pass, which time does heal. Thing is, it puts you on the defense and when you playdefense, you are a victim getting lashed by your own mind. Be proactive and go on the offense. You cannot logic these thoughts away, but you can mechanically starve them.

The fix is a form of cognitive defusion. The "Train at the station".

When thoughts come up, instantly imagine being at a station. A train pulls up, painted with the person's name or a specific memory.

What usually happens : Youget on the train. You replay the memory, wonder what they're doing and go on a violent loop of Rumination that feeds the Zeigarnik effect, you ride it for minutes to hours until it crashes into a wall of depression.

The attack plan :Let the train arrive. Acknowledge it. Say, "There’s the train. Not getting on. You can go." Imagine looking at the train from the outside.. let it sit for 10-20 secs, and let it pull away. You don't suppress it or fight it, just observe it being there.

Steps:

1. Label it: The thought arrives. Instantly label it to the person's name or whatever you can relate to.
2. Refuse to board: Do not analyze it. Do not argue with it. Watch it from the outside.
3. Physical pivot: Instantly yank your focus to a physical anchor. Belly breathing (stomach pushing out on the inhale), the sensation of your feet hitting the floor, or noticing the feeling of lungs expanding and contracting during breaths. You can do this for a couple of minutes or until the thought slowly vanishes.

The thoughts will still come, but if you refuse to engage, they lose their grip. You will fail and catch yourself spiraling 10 minutes later, thatsnormal. The rep is the failure but you need to catch it when it happens and when you do and pivot back to the physical world, its a bicep curl for your brain.

The long term goal is to give your mind back the capacity to enjoy life whether it's hobbies, health, career, studies or family. Starve the thought of analytical energy, and the neural pathway dies. Thought I'd share what helped.

the monotropism from autism/ADHD combined with the intrusive thoughts from OCD. literally a recipe for disaster.

I'm about to quit my job because my boss was too toxic and I'm about to head out to a new one. Originally my LO and I were close friends but after I sent too many clingy messages asking her to respond to me. She blocked me. I see her again at work before I give my 2 weeks notice. Should I apologize to her or should I just say bye and leave things as it is?

I usually write psuedo-poetic letters to my LO, an exercise that has been recommended to me countless times. Despite my numerous bullshit musings on my obsession with her I have yet to feel these exercises do anything beneficial to me.

It's so incredibly exhausting being consumed by equal parts hatred and lovesick fantasies over a woman I haven't even spoken to in years. It's isolating and lonely knowing I don't really have anyone other than my therapist to tell this to without being seen as crazy (which, to be honest, I obviously am). It's so disheartening to see other people navigate relationships with ease while I can't help but mourn someone that was never even mine to begin with.

Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes I hate myself. Most of the time I try to just block it out and continue my day. But she's so close to the forefront of my mind that even the fucking weather can trigger her memory.

Is there any hope to move on? What more do I have to do to just be normal? I'm in therapy, I'm on medications, I've tried all the exercises and coping tools I can find and she's still just as present as ever.

I sunk to a new low. I actually paid money for a tarot card reading about her. I don't even believe in that kind of shit, I have no idea why I did it or what I wanted to hear. I guess Im just looking for any kind of external validation that all this self torment isn't for nothing.

The tarot told me she wasn't the one for me and my fixation on her is what's holding me back from meeting an actual partner. Gee, thanks. Let me just get over it right quick I never once thought in the past 7 fucking years that this obsession is unhealthy and destroying my ability to form relationships. But what did I expect anyway? For it to tell me she's my soulmate and give me an excuse to reach out to her again? I wouldn't have believed it even if it did.

ALMOST like a dream come true. He pretty much said he would love to if I came over. Now I do not think I should because I know he is not interested in a relationship with me. But it’s like one of my fantasies may come true. I also know we would be super compatible sexually. Should I do it?? I know the answer is probably no but maybe I need to hear it externally. It’s the most tempting thing ever but I know he would be using me. But he is so sexy I would absolutely love it.

EDIT: I am unlikely to do it. I thought about it and the concept of it makes me feel so desperate and gross. It’s such a special thing in my eyes and he doesn’t deserve to have me that way if he cannot even be in a relationship with me. It’s crazy I have been obsessed with him for more than a year, I always thought I’d jump at the opportunity but it makes me feel so icky as much as I’d like to.

So my (22F) LO is my boss (49M). This is my first full time job and the infatuation started probably a few weeks after I started working here. He’s married with children and so I feel deep shame and self- loathing about my limerence, but as I’m sure all of you know, I just can’t control my feelings no matter how hard I try. I try not to think about his personal life because it upsets me and because it makes me feel even more weird, but this past weekend I was feeling so sad and lonely and finally looked at his wife and kids’ on social media to see pictures. I didn’t even look at every picture and read the captions because it was too upsetting to me but now I’m scared that I’m going to show up as a suggested person on their instagrams, they’re going to know who I am, tell him, and then he will think I’m a creep. I had vaguely heard of this happening when you insta stalk people beforehand but in the moment I didn’t even think about it and just lost control. It wasn’t till afterwards that I started looking stuff up on the internet about instagram suggesting your account to people you stalk and now I’m worried sick. I should’ve blocked them right after I did it but now I’m worried that they’ll look at my page again (if it’s been suggested), see that I’ve blocked them, and then things will get even weirder. I feel horrible. Does anyone have advice? Am I freaking out unnecessarily?

Everyone says “you deserve better” because LO is unavailable and will never choose me. However, it is also the unavailability that is attractive to me. So when people say that they mean: “I think you deserve what i consider best for you, that‘s actually what you feel like is the worst, but whatever”. It just feels so much better to me to be in love with someone unavailable than to have one date with someone available, straightforward and desperate, which apparently i find incredibly boring and unbearable. To the point i am thinking that it is some kind of “fetish” that i cannot get over anymore. With my LO’s there was some thrill and excitement at least, which made me feel more alive for once. Don’t get me wrong, if this LO would turn out to be single and choose me it would still be a dream come true, but that is because there was so much uncertainity that i had the chance to fall in love at least. Does anyone feel the same? the only one here i had a conversation with who felt the exact same of course ghosted me with a lame excuse.

I dont personally think it is, but I wanted to get more opinions on it, and considering there's a whole subreddit to this, I felt like asking. Here's the story.

I'm 21 years old, and I've never received any confirmation of being desirable from girls in my life.

A few months ago, I approached a girl at university for the first time, and within a few weeks (during which we attended classes together), I started developing feelings for her and fell in love with her...

I realized it when, thinking about her, I would start smiling, I would feel lots of tenderness, a need for closeness, a very, very strong affection, how I would be very sensitive to everything about her.

I also cried a few times (which is extremely rare for me) when I felt particularly undesirable to her.

And all of this happened when, until not long before, I had been in a borderline apathetic state (not that it's any different now, except in the moments involving her).

Over time, I also started checking her Instagram activity status frequently. Seeing her last active time gave me a strange sense of closeness and security, while seeing her online at certain late-night hours had the opposite effect. It's something I never imagined I'd do. 

Trying to analyze the reason, I think it's mainly because of her appearance (she's just perfect, I've never seen a more beautiful girl) and partly because of her personality (even though she makes me very anxious, at the same time she gives me a sense of calm, tranquility, and protection).

In terms of compatibility, unfortunately there wasn't really a click between us (I'd even say we're slightly incompatible in some ways), except for the last few times (when talking to her was almost at the level of a friendship). This, combined with the fact that I was incredibly inferior to her in terms of looks (I'm an average/slightly above-average-looking guy), always made me feel like there were no chances from the start.

Then, looking back, I never received any positive romantic signals from her either.

I feel like I'm in the "practically impossible" zone romantically.

Socially, on the other hand (using what I imagine her thoughts would be): "He's someone I enjoy spending time with, but not enough to have the desire or motivation to find a way to deepen the relationship. If an opportunity comes naturally, fine; otherwise, nothing."

On top of that (even though she didn't make it particularly explicit, and only did so after quite a while), she has a boyfriend.

And judging from her reposts, I'm not her type at all.

To give an idea of how much this situation sucks, I've even dreamed about having back-and-forth chats with her on Instagram. Completely normal chats, I want to emphasize—nothing inappropriate or anything like that. I feel so far away from her that even just that would make me feel completely different.

All of this makes me feel good, because for the first time in a long while I finally feel some positive emotions. And it also makes me feel bad, because knowing that I have no chance with her gives me a sense of being undesirable (I couldn't even manage to have a chance) and of loss (to me, she's one of a kind).

My friend has been my LO for almost 3 years. At first, it felt so good. They would talk to me all the time and send me things that made them think of me or that I’d like. I got so sucked into the fantasy that it felt like they were “mine”. Then maybe a year later it started to sink in that they weren’t mine and the pain was unbelievable. I would check my phone constantly, hoping they had messaged, and had extreme feelings of jealousy if they spoke about another friend or colleague, I would bombard them with texts until a subject stuck. This has been the case for almost 2 years now. I feel so ashamed and weak. I have tried the distractions and therapy and I always end up thinking about them. It’s too much. I don’t want to let them go but this is not sustainable.

I'm married to an amazing man who I genuinely love, but I still can't stop obsessively checking up on my LO almost four years later.
At the time, I was in an abusive marriage. I met a very good-looking guy twice, and he completely ghosted me. I became obsessed. Every notification made me hope it was him, and I'd spend hours checking his social media and searching for him online.
The strange thing is my LO wasn't even good to me. He lied constantly, hid that he had a child (who even has the same name as me), expected me to pay for everything, never took me on proper dates, and ghosted me more than once.
A year later I saw my LO with a new girlfriend. His equally attractive friend was there, and I ended up having an affair with him instead. I think I transferred my obsession onto the friend, who at least took me bowling, but he also ghosted me and treated me badly.
After leaving my abusive ex, I unexpectedly met my LO again. We met twice more, and he ghosted me again.

Later, I met someone online from the same country who resembled my LO. We genuinely fell in love and married this year. My husband is kind, loving, and everything I could want.
I ignored it when the friend recently tried flirting with me, but I still search for my LO almost daily. I don't even think I want him anymore. I just can't understand why someone who treated me so badly still occupies so much space in my mind.

How do I stop before it turns into another 4 years

There is literally NOTHING unique or special about my LO. I just got attracted, because he portrayed a pattern that I have always fallen for before (but never this hard) : older man in authority (also tied to some of my kinks), smart, caring & compassionate and charming. That's it. That's literally IT.

Logically, I know there is no love here. Although, he tried playing a very low-stakes, low-risk cat and mouse with me. I set boundaries, and his ego got bruised. I loved the thrill- but now I wish I didn't fuck it up. But I KNOW, realistically, he was just going to walk after this period ended at the institution.

I've watched plently of YT videos about limerence so far... I educated myself. I know why it happens, and this can be an opportunity for growth and yada yada.

But it hurts like hell. I am always thinking of him. First thing on my mind every single fucking day. Idk if he ever feels this hurt like I do, or if he does, it's all just ego injury for him. He did show signs of obsession too... but I am not sure if we are thinking/feelings the same thing. Although I AM CERTAIN i've induced fear in his heart. It was obvious.

Whatever. It's been MONTHS NOW MONTHS!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM IT TO SOMEONE. "He" has robbed SO MUCH of my time already. And reading about limerence and the stats, this can go on for years even 💔💔💔💔

WHY. JUST WHY.

It's like a SPELL I CANNOT BREAK.

Well, I couldn’t fall asleep last night, always thinking about my LO, so I decided do write down everything: my feelings and thoughts about her. I wrote almost three pages long just confessing and explaining something that she doesn't have any idea is happening. Done writing, I felt way more relieved, but when I woke up, read it all and now I'm thinking that she can never read that letter, I was way too exposed. Now I'm keeping the text in a safe place in my room so nobody will find it. Maybe someday I'll give the letter to her. Maybe I'm burning it in few minutes. Or maybe I'll keep it with me forever. But I know that everything in those papers were written with my heart open and are 100% true

I went on two “dates” with this guy. We never hooked up, but we got pretty close on the second date. I wanted to, but I told him I wouldn’t unless he started making more time for me. That only lasted for so long.

At the time, he was dealing with a lot immigration, moving, getting his wisdom teeth removed, audits at work (he’s a manager), and four employees quitting. To this day, I still don’t know if all that stress was the reason he slowly pulled away.

One thing I remember from the beginning is that he told me he was too busy for a relationship. Then one day, when I missed him a lot, I told him something that probably wasn’t my best decision: if he only wanted to hook up, I’d be okay with that too… I just wanted him to be honest with me. He reassured me that wasn’t the case and said he was just incredibly stressed.
Now he’s ghosted me.

But then I met someone else with the same name. He has an almost identical personality, and they don’t even look that different. The difference is… this guy actually talks to me.
Even so, my heart still misses my LO. 💔

… with her and her wife.

Of course, absolutely nothing sexual happened. We went to the beach yesterday, then had lunch and drank a bit, then walked around. And suddenly it was 8pm and LO’s wife said “why don’t you stay? we’ll eat pizza and watch the match”. And so I did. It’s 7pm and I’m still at their place, helping them organize some stuff.

On one hand, I’m so glad I did that. They’re lovely people, and I really enjoy watching their relationship dynamic. I also got to see LO in pyjamas relaxing and chilling at home. She’s just absolutely perfect omg.

On the other hand, I had to really FIGHT the urge to lean on her while we were lying on the sofa. And it also shattered any (tiny) lingering hope that maybe one day all three of us could have some fun together.

Neither LO nor LO’s wife see me that way. Tja. I kind of knew, but now it’s confirmed.

I’m happysad, if that makes sense. I feel like this is the perfect ending to our relationship, a nice weekend together doing nothing. Now I need to start and stick to NC.

but gosh do I ABSOLUTELY ADORE this woman. Her silent grumpiness when she wakes up, her silly jokes, even the varicose veins in her legs! 🤦🏻‍♀️🥰

I’ve read some mixed opinions on this with some people on this sub saying that NC was the best decision for them and others saying that they went NC and then regretted it after so I’m just curious for anyone that has chosen either option recently what made you chose it and do you regret it at all?

I always obsessed over those I liked no matter how long I've liked them or like who it was. I would genuinely like them as a person and not create crazy scenarios and imaginations of them but I feel like I'm dying without them around... And it doesn't happen when I don't have a crush I feel more at peace.

When I like someone and their presence, I will feel so safe and peaceful around them. No jitters, anxiety or performing for them. I don't do that. But once I leave, I feel so anxious and just horrible this very very horrible feeling that I'm no longer with that person and feeling so hopeless and depressed. Trying to find something about them I can keep around so I can remember them and how their presence felt (stalking their socials and constantly trying to find out more about them) but when I don't get it I will spiral and have this horrible horrible emptiness and sadness without them.

This happens sometimes when I don't have a crush on anyone but all the time when I like someone. For the first month I will be very very obsessive over them and how they are like, then after that I will detach a bit but then when I see them again it comes back everything comes back it's like a horrible cycle when I just want to like them without this horrible feeling. What is wrong with me?

It doesn't help that the person I like right now I can only see him once a week for 2 hour.

About 10 years ago, I finally worked up the courage to tell my high school crush that I had feelings for her. I did it over text. Her response was basically, “How cute.”

That was it.

Looking back, I know she probably doesn’t even remember this instance. And I know she wasn’t responsible for my feelings, and she had every right not to feel the same way. But that moment was just incredibly crushing.

As a kid, I always believed you’d marry the first person you truly fell in love with. I’ve always been a romantic. When I met her, I was convinced she was the one. There was no other possibility in my mind. The problem was that I was painfully shy. I couldn’t talk to her the way I wanted to. I was afraid of making mistakes, scaring her off. It felt like I stood on the dock watching the ship that I desperately needed to get on sail away without ever getting the chance to board it.

Now it’s been close to 10 years.
I’m married to an amazing woman whom I truly love. I would never leave my wife or trade her for my LO. I know, rationally, that my LO wasn’t perfect and that we probably wouldn’t have even been a great match. She loved to go out and party, I loved to stay at home. She seemed to jump from relationship to relationship, I just wanted to find that one person for forever.

But none of those rational objections never changed how my brain “feels”. I know we wouldn’t have fitted together, yet I wished we would have been.

So, over the years, I developed some unhealthy ways of coping. By God’s grace I’ve overcome many of them, but I still struggle with drinking too much sometimes, and I’ve struggled with self-harm. I pray constantly that God would take these thoughts away, but it’s like she’s a tumor in my brain that I can’t get removed. No matter how much I want to let go, she’s still there.

The worst part isn’t even wanting to be with her anymore. It’s carrying around love that never had anywhere to go. I opened my heart to her and she refused to receive any of my emotions.

Lately I’ve started doing something that might seem crazy, I don’t know. I created an empty WhatsApp group and I text her there. I tell her how much she hurt me. I tell her how angry I am. I explain everything I never got to say. I ask questions she’ll never answer: Why didn’t you care about how I felt? What are you doing now? Are you happy? Did I ever matter to you at all?

I tell her about my day or week just to get rid of some of the things that are on my mind. And I know I’m not actually talking to her. I’m talking to an empty chat. But somehow it feels like a way of getting rid of some of the feelings and emotions that keep building up inside of me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Still having that person on your mind after many years, even though you’ve built a good life and don’t actually want to be with that person anymore? I feel completely irrational, and I don’t know how to finally let this go.

I’m not gonna wait for you this time.

When you come back, I’ll be with someone else. And if you text me, I’ll block you. I did that before, but I never actually let myself fall for them because I was waiting for you. I never told you that.

Yes, I make my mistakes, but I’m sick of trying to save you. I’m sick of trying to help.

Three years of shit. Three years of ups and downs. Three fucking years of exhaustion. Whenever you fail, I can’t even be mad anymore. I can only cry because instead of SLEEPING before an important meeting, I’m AWAKE at 3 a.m. worried about you. My brain just won’t shut down.

If you leave again and then come back, you’ll be alone. Completely alone. You know exactly what that means where we live, there won’t be endless options waiting for you.

With me, you have a chance to build something. A happy life. To grow, to evolve, to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and wanted to see you succeed.

But if you leave again, I’m not going to pity you anymore. You can forget me forever MOTHERFUCKER. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR STUPID CHOICES.

You can keep running, from one country to another, one job to another, that’s your choice. Just don’t expect me to be here when you decide to come back.