r/limerence

I'm about to quit my job because my boss was too toxic and I'm about to head out to a new one. Originally my LO and I were close friends but after I sent too many clingy messages asking her to respond to me. She blocked me. I see her again at work before I give my 2 weeks notice. Should I apologize to her or should I just say bye and leave things as it is?

ALMOST like a dream come true. He pretty much said he would love to if I came over. Now I do not think I should because I know he is not interested in a relationship with me. But it’s like one of my fantasies may come true. I also know we would be super compatible sexually. Should I do it?? I know the answer is probably no but maybe I need to hear it externally. It’s the most tempting thing ever but I know he would be using me. But he is so sexy I would absolutely love it.

EDIT: I am unlikely to do it. I thought about it and the concept of it makes me feel so desperate and gross. It’s such a special thing in my eyes and he doesn’t deserve to have me that way if he cannot even be in a relationship with me. It’s crazy I have been obsessed with him for more than a year, I always thought I’d jump at the opportunity but it makes me feel so icky as much as I’d like to.

I dont personally think it is, but I wanted to get more opinions on it, and considering there's a whole subreddit to this, I felt like asking. Here's the story.

I'm 21 years old, and I've never received any confirmation of being desirable from girls in my life.

A few months ago, I approached a girl at university for the first time, and within a few weeks (during which we attended classes together), I started developing feelings for her and fell in love with her...

I realized it when, thinking about her, I would start smiling, I would feel lots of tenderness, a need for closeness, a very, very strong affection, how I would be very sensitive to everything about her.

I also cried a few times (which is extremely rare for me) when I felt particularly undesirable to her.

And all of this happened when, until not long before, I had been in a borderline apathetic state (not that it's any different now, except in the moments involving her).

Over time, I also started checking her Instagram activity status frequently. Seeing her last active time gave me a strange sense of closeness and security, while seeing her online at certain late-night hours had the opposite effect. It's something I never imagined I'd do. 

Trying to analyze the reason, I think it's mainly because of her appearance (she's just perfect, I've never seen a more beautiful girl) and partly because of her personality (even though she makes me very anxious, at the same time she gives me a sense of calm, tranquility, and protection).

In terms of compatibility, unfortunately there wasn't really a click between us (I'd even say we're slightly incompatible in some ways), except for the last few times (when talking to her was almost at the level of a friendship). This, combined with the fact that I was incredibly inferior to her in terms of looks (I'm an average/slightly above-average-looking guy), always made me feel like there were no chances from the start.

Then, looking back, I never received any positive romantic signals from her either.

I feel like I'm in the "practically impossible" zone romantically.

Socially, on the other hand (using what I imagine her thoughts would be): "He's someone I enjoy spending time with, but not enough to have the desire or motivation to find a way to deepen the relationship. If an opportunity comes naturally, fine; otherwise, nothing."

On top of that (even though she didn't make it particularly explicit, and only did so after quite a while), she has a boyfriend.

And judging from her reposts, I'm not her type at all.

To give an idea of how much this situation sucks, I've even dreamed about having back-and-forth chats with her on Instagram. Completely normal chats, I want to emphasize—nothing inappropriate or anything like that. I feel so far away from her that even just that would make me feel completely different.

All of this makes me feel good, because for the first time in a long while I finally feel some positive emotions. And it also makes me feel bad, because knowing that I have no chance with her gives me a sense of being undesirable (I couldn't even manage to have a chance) and of loss (to me, she's one of a kind).

Everyone says “you deserve better” because LO is unavailable and will never choose me. However, it is also the unavailability that is attractive to me. So when people say that they mean: “I think you deserve what i consider best for you, that‘s actually what you feel like is the worst, but whatever”. It just feels so much better to me to be in love with someone unavailable than to have one date with someone available, straightforward and desperate, which apparently i find incredibly boring and unbearable. To the point i am thinking that it is some kind of “fetish” that i cannot get over anymore. With my LO’s there was some thrill and excitement at least, which made me feel more alive for once. Don’t get me wrong, if this LO would turn out to be single and choose me it would still be a dream come true, but that is because there was so much uncertainity that i had the chance to fall in love at least. Does anyone feel the same? the only one here i had a conversation with who felt the exact same of course ghosted me with a lame excuse.

My friend has been my LO for almost 3 years. At first, it felt so good. They would talk to me all the time and send me things that made them think of me or that I’d like. I got so sucked into the fantasy that it felt like they were “mine”. Then maybe a year later it started to sink in that they weren’t mine and the pain was unbelievable. I would check my phone constantly, hoping they had messaged, and had extreme feelings of jealousy if they spoke about another friend or colleague, I would bombard them with texts until a subject stuck. This has been the case for almost 2 years now. I feel so ashamed and weak. I have tried the distractions and therapy and I always end up thinking about them. It’s too much. I don’t want to let them go but this is not sustainable.

There is literally NOTHING unique or special about my LO. I just got attracted, because he portrayed a pattern that I have always fallen for before (but never this hard) : older man in authority (also tied to some of my kinks), smart, caring & compassionate and charming. That's it. That's literally IT.

Logically, I know there is no love here. Although, he tried playing a very low-stakes, low-risk cat and mouse with me. I set boundaries, and his ego got bruised. I loved the thrill- but now I wish I didn't fuck it up. But I KNOW, realistically, he was just going to walk after this period ended at the institution.

I've watched plently of YT videos about limerence so far... I educated myself. I know why it happens, and this can be an opportunity for growth and yada yada.

But it hurts like hell. I am always thinking of him. First thing on my mind every single fucking day. Idk if he ever feels this hurt like I do, or if he does, it's all just ego injury for him. He did show signs of obsession too... but I am not sure if we are thinking/feelings the same thing. Although I AM CERTAIN i've induced fear in his heart. It was obvious.

Whatever. It's been MONTHS NOW MONTHS!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM IT TO SOMEONE. "He" has robbed SO MUCH of my time already. And reading about limerence and the stats, this can go on for years even 💔💔💔💔

WHY. JUST WHY.

It's like a SPELL I CANNOT BREAK.

Well, I couldn’t fall asleep last night, always thinking about my LO, so I decided do write down everything: my feelings and thoughts about her. I wrote almost three pages long just confessing and explaining something that she doesn't have any idea is happening. Done writing, I felt way more relieved, but when I woke up, read it all and now I'm thinking that she can never read that letter, I was way too exposed. Now I'm keeping the text in a safe place in my room so nobody will find it. Maybe someday I'll give the letter to her. Maybe I'm burning it in few minutes. Or maybe I'll keep it with me forever. But I know that everything in those papers were written with my heart open and are 100% true

… with her and her wife.

Of course, absolutely nothing sexual happened. We went to the beach yesterday, then had lunch and drank a bit, then walked around. And suddenly it was 8pm and LO’s wife said “why don’t you stay? we’ll eat pizza and watch the match”. And so I did. It’s 7pm and I’m still at their place, helping them organize some stuff.

On one hand, I’m so glad I did that. They’re lovely people, and I really enjoy watching their relationship dynamic. I also got to see LO in pyjamas relaxing and chilling at home. She’s just absolutely perfect omg.

On the other hand, I had to really FIGHT the urge to lean on her while we were lying on the sofa. And it also shattered any (tiny) lingering hope that maybe one day all three of us could have some fun together.

Neither LO nor LO’s wife see me that way. Tja. I kind of knew, but now it’s confirmed.

I’m happysad, if that makes sense. I feel like this is the perfect ending to our relationship, a nice weekend together doing nothing. Now I need to start and stick to NC.

but gosh do I ABSOLUTELY ADORE this woman. Her silent grumpiness when she wakes up, her silly jokes, even the varicose veins in her legs! 🤦🏻‍♀️🥰

I’m not gonna wait for you this time.

When you come back, I’ll be with someone else. And if you text me, I’ll block you. I did that before, but I never actually let myself fall for them because I was waiting for you. I never told you that.

Yes, I make my mistakes, but I’m sick of trying to save you. I’m sick of trying to help.

Three years of shit. Three years of ups and downs. Three fucking years of exhaustion. Whenever you fail, I can’t even be mad anymore. I can only cry because instead of SLEEPING before an important meeting, I’m AWAKE at 3 a.m. worried about you. My brain just won’t shut down.

If you leave again and then come back, you’ll be alone. Completely alone. You know exactly what that means where we live, there won’t be endless options waiting for you.

With me, you have a chance to build something. A happy life. To grow, to evolve, to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and wanted to see you succeed.

But if you leave again, I’m not going to pity you anymore. You can forget me forever MOTHERFUCKER. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR STUPID CHOICES.

You can keep running, from one country to another, one job to another, that’s your choice. Just don’t expect me to be here when you decide to come back.

I always obsessed over those I liked no matter how long I've liked them or like who it was. I would genuinely like them as a person and not create crazy scenarios and imaginations of them but I feel like I'm dying without them around... And it doesn't happen when I don't have a crush I feel more at peace.

When I like someone and their presence, I will feel so safe and peaceful around them. No jitters, anxiety or performing for them. I don't do that. But once I leave, I feel so anxious and just horrible this very very horrible feeling that I'm no longer with that person and feeling so hopeless and depressed. Trying to find something about them I can keep around so I can remember them and how their presence felt (stalking their socials and constantly trying to find out more about them) but when I don't get it I will spiral and have this horrible horrible emptiness and sadness without them.

This happens sometimes when I don't have a crush on anyone but all the time when I like someone. For the first month I will be very very obsessive over them and how they are like, then after that I will detach a bit but then when I see them again it comes back everything comes back it's like a horrible cycle when I just want to like them without this horrible feeling. What is wrong with me?

It doesn't help that the person I like right now I can only see him once a week for 2 hour.

I’ve read some mixed opinions on this with some people on this sub saying that NC was the best decision for them and others saying that they went NC and then regretted it after so I’m just curious for anyone that has chosen either option recently what made you chose it and do you regret it at all?

About 10 years ago, I finally worked up the courage to tell my high school crush that I had feelings for her. I did it over text. Her response was basically, “How cute.”

That was it.

Looking back, I know she probably doesn’t even remember this instance. And I know she wasn’t responsible for my feelings, and she had every right not to feel the same way. But that moment was just incredibly crushing.

As a kid, I always believed you’d marry the first person you truly fell in love with. I’ve always been a romantic. When I met her, I was convinced she was the one. There was no other possibility in my mind. The problem was that I was painfully shy. I couldn’t talk to her the way I wanted to. I was afraid of making mistakes, scaring her off. It felt like I stood on the dock watching the ship that I desperately needed to get on sail away without ever getting the chance to board it.

Now it’s been close to 10 years.
I’m married to an amazing woman whom I truly love. I would never leave my wife or trade her for my LO. I know, rationally, that my LO wasn’t perfect and that we probably wouldn’t have even been a great match. She loved to go out and party, I loved to stay at home. She seemed to jump from relationship to relationship, I just wanted to find that one person for forever.

But none of those rational objections never changed how my brain “feels”. I know we wouldn’t have fitted together, yet I wished we would have been.

So, over the years, I developed some unhealthy ways of coping. By God’s grace I’ve overcome many of them, but I still struggle with drinking too much sometimes, and I’ve struggled with self-harm. I pray constantly that God would take these thoughts away, but it’s like she’s a tumor in my brain that I can’t get removed. No matter how much I want to let go, she’s still there.

The worst part isn’t even wanting to be with her anymore. It’s carrying around love that never had anywhere to go. I opened my heart to her and she refused to receive any of my emotions.

Lately I’ve started doing something that might seem crazy, I don’t know. I created an empty WhatsApp group and I text her there. I tell her how much she hurt me. I tell her how angry I am. I explain everything I never got to say. I ask questions she’ll never answer: Why didn’t you care about how I felt? What are you doing now? Are you happy? Did I ever matter to you at all?

I tell her about my day or week just to get rid of some of the things that are on my mind. And I know I’m not actually talking to her. I’m talking to an empty chat. But somehow it feels like a way of getting rid of some of the feelings and emotions that keep building up inside of me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Still having that person on your mind after many years, even though you’ve built a good life and don’t actually want to be with that person anymore? I feel completely irrational, and I don’t know how to finally let this go.

i know this is easier said than done, but obsessiveness can be a strength. it can be turned into talent through art, excersize, self-growth, etc.

have i been doing this? not really. but that’s not the point.

I have this friend from college two years ago and we catch up every 4/5 months and I was extremely limerent over her in college… We met up recently and 2 years later I’m still not over her. This friendship gives me extreme anxiety and adrenaline that my heart starts to hurt. When we met up recently my heart was pounding the whole entire 4 hours. The whole time I just kept thinking about how I have a *secret* and was sooo close to just spilling it out and letting my true self out instead of masking acting like shes not the most attractive person ive ever seen in my life when she asks me about romantic relationships/who i find attractive. Honestly I think that’s what the constant heart pounding was from, the adrenaline of being on the verge of just telling my true deepest darkest secret.

I really want to care for her as a friend in a NORMAL healthy way but my past mental state with her might have just messed up our relationship and the things I associate her with forever.

My mind says do NOT tell her it will end horribly and nothing good comes out of it, but my consciousness is dying to express itself. Idec if the friendship ends bc of this, actually part of me WANTS her to end the friendship so I can finally be free. But what if it backfires? What if I could have just detached and let this go, and now this confession will keep me trapped for much longer? I also don’t wanna harm her and drag her into my extreme attachments and delusions.

He is irresponsible, selfish, and cruel. He enjoys manipulating people like me (vulnerable women who are much younger than him) to get what he wants; sex, drugs, and god knows what else. His words are immature and cringeworthy. His stupid jokes don't land. He preaches progressivism, veganism, and animal welfare, but he is a rapist. He likely would have raped me if I got *slightly* closer to him in the time I knew him. I hate him, but I can't forget the way he made me feel. No one else in my life has ever come close to thrilling and destroying me the way he did. He spoke to me so sweetly, I couldn't believe it when he touched me. I worshipped him with the same eagerness he seemed to have to attempt using me, and that felt so perverse, yet so romantic. We had just enough in common for his attention to seem a miracle, and now he is far, far away from me. I feel I won't feel so infatuated with another person again in my life, though I've got a lot of it ahead of me. This terrible man seems like all there is. Is anyone else's experience similar?

I recently saw my LO after a year of no contact due to him blocking me per my request because his avoidance triggered my anxiety. I regret showing my emotions to him. Just because you have sex with someone for years, once feelings get involved or hurt it’s generally over. I expect him to unblock me after seeing me but I made a fool of myself today. I joined chat on discord I knew he was in just so I could message him and tell him how sorry I am for everything. He was nice to me when we saw each other but it was clear he didn’t want to see me. And I feel crazy now that I did all this after one year no contact. I am struggling with hating myself for being so emotional, for still caring and for not being better (looking and successful). I just want to disappear.🫠

The hyper fixation the intense feelings, the high you get from your LO, how does it compare to being in this subreddit and viewing others in their own obsessions ?

Hi hi.

YMMV and IANAD.

Introduction

I want to talk about a certain feeling you can get in the moment when you see a particular person for the very first time. This is something I've realized in my self reflections recently and I've seen others post about similar phenomena in this sub. I've heard it described as a moment where "the rest of the world disappeared," or "they seemed more real than everything else," and in my case it was a feeling like "time and space somehow bent around them." In all cases I think it's more of a mental feeling than a spatial or sensory one, even though it's often easiest to describe in spatial/sensory terms.

I'm sure it doesn't happen to everyone who's prone to limerence as limerence can have very heterogenous causes, but my hypothesis -- if you want to call it that -- is there might be a certain psychological profile that this is more likely to happen to, and hopefully being aware of it could be a tool for us to avoid limerence before it gets out of hand. The reports are all from my own experience, but hopefully you can understand or maybe relate.

I've had two LOs in my life, and this experience (which I will refer to hereafter as an Attentional Convergence Moment, or ACM) has only happened to me twice in my life, once for each LO.

The Case For the Reality

I want to be clear up top that what I'm talking about is not a "love at first sight" phenomenon, and I'm not inventing the memory retrospectively based on later experiences, as I will explain in greater detail now.

Both times I experienced an ACM, my reaction was not one of attraction, either physical or romantic; I just kind of had a moment of "huh, that was weird." The first time it happened I actually forgot about it for a while. That LO was a coworker and she genuinely didn't register as anything other than an NPC to me for several months before I developed an interest in her and then fell into limerence. That's what I mean when I say it wasn't anything like love at first sight. It wasn't intrinsically attached to a conscious desire to get to know her or be with her (although it was very easy to add that baggage to it after the fact). I actually wasn't even remotely attracted to her physically until later when I formed an emotional bond.

The main reason I'm confident that it isn't a retrospective construct of memory is because of the second time it happened. That time, right after my moment of "huh, that was weird," I had a moment of "oh shit, that was just like what happened when I first saw LO #1." The fact that I definitively recognized it in that moment is my own evidence that it's a real psychological state that points to a real brain state.

Speculation On What's Happening Here

So again, not a doctor and especially not a psychologist. Just a schlub with some interest in this kind of thing who's trying to iron out a concept.

It's pretty well accepted that the human brain can process a huge number of sensory cues very quickly in the background, and most of that never makes it to the level of conscious thought. We can evaluate people based on qualities about them that we could never put into words. That's why sometimes we just "have a bad feeling" about someone, for example, and the odds are typically better than chance that that feeling is right even though we can't say why.

I think the reason that some people might first experience an ACM for someone they later develop limerence for is because they subconsciously notice very innocuous-seeming details (perhaps posture, eye movement, style of dress, tone of voice, etc.) that point to a very specific cluster of psychological traits, which the brain then extrapolates out into a profile that it finds interesting, again unconsciously.

Then, if we're in just the right (read: highly susceptible) mental state and presented with just the right interesting profile, our brain screams "pay attention to this person!" and our attentional system very dramatically switches from "floodlight mode" to "spotlight mode", moving from a pretty even spread across our entire surroundings to intense focus on this individual. The reason that we then consciously interpret it as an unusual moment and give it the descriptions I listed in the beginning (and other similarly strange ones) is because, consciously, we don't know why this attentional reorganization has occurred; this person isn't doing anything unusual, there's no danger, we have no rational reason to be alerted to them, so we naturally make up a description and story that fits our confusion.

That's how we go from bored and unfulfilled (or whatever the catalyst mental state might be) to seeing a specific person to "the rest of the world disappeared" in an instant, before we even have an actual interaction with them.

Relating Back To My Own Story of Limerence

Once again, your mileage may vary. This is just my own experience.

So as I said, I've experienced an ACM twice and both times I fell into limerence for the person afterward. For the purpose of this post I'll try to keep the anecdote to a minimum and focus on the connection to the broader picture.

Notably, both of these women had a lot of traits in common that are not shared by any of my ordinary romantic interests, and that I couldn't have consciously deduced by looking at them. None of these traits are all that uncommon on their own, but taken together it's extremely unlikely to be entirely coincidental. I won't list all of them but a couple examples are being a single mother to a young daughter, having very male-coded interests, and having been a scene/emo kid many years ago.

I think the connection here is that the commonalities I've noticed between them are like third or fourth order traits that either arose from or helped shape the same pieces of their psychological profile that my subconscious was able to pick out at a glance from their behavioral micro-signals. I can only guess about exactly what those pieces are at a fundamental level (maybe dishonest self-image, heavily burdened by responsibility, high-performing autism with a manic streak?), but I now understand that whatever they are they're the flame to my moth. That is the exact type of person who I would die just to amuse and who will never give me what I need.

Both times I experienced limerence I was already in an LTR. The first time, it blew up my life and I was at my lowest point for years after. The second time, I still didn't have a full understanding of what was happening but I had enough mindfulness and motivation (coupled with luck) to cut off contact and stop it before it became unmanageable. I'm sure you can guess which LTR I'm now happily married to and which one is probably still trying to cast curses on me to this day.

The second time could have gone very differently if I hadn't recognized the ACM and had that in the back of my mind.

Conclusion

One more time; say it with me: YMMV and IANAD.

I don't know if I'm ever going to experience an ACM again, but I now have rules for if I do. As long as I'm married interactions are limited to what's absolutely necessary to maintain professionalism. If I'm ever unfortunate enough to be single again I wouldn't be quite as strict as that, but I will carry around a huge bright orange danger sticker and slap it on their forehead whenever they talk to me. Either way I will never look them up online and I will never do or say anything just because I think they might like it.

If you're susceptible to limerence (which, you're here, so.) I would suggest you watch out for an ACM, i.e. any inner feeling when you see another person that reads like "the rest of the world disappeared", "space and time bent around them," etc. It could be an early warning sign that your brain is gearing up to go into obsessive overdrive.

And finally, if you've experienced anything like what I've described, please share. I'm honestly doing this mainly to help myself completely think it through, but I would also love to hear other people's stories of this if they're out there. Or just tell me I'm crazy, I'd love to hear that too.

Regardless, good luck, be safe, godspeed. 🫡

I'm not really limerent (hopefully, at least by the standard of this sub lol). I've known this girl for more than one year and have been obsessing about her for the past few months now. I've gone to see her twice, confessed and was shot down. But I still keep talking to her because my feelings are very strong and I hope she will change her mind in the future.

Recently I found out that she is limerent for another guy. I have always known that she has someone special in her life, but I thought it had already ended because she always refers to the guy as "a friend" and said "I don't have a boyfriend." I found the guy's blog and he doesn't give a shit about her, he never visits her and keeps going on dates. I guess she must know this.

The tipping point is that I'm going to her city. She has already known about the dates of my trip, yet she is planning to visit the guy (in yet another city) during the same time as my visit, WTF! This gives me clarity. I must have more self-respect than she does! Since my trip is work related, I will go there anyway. I will just enjoy the city and cut my losses. I plan to see her in person there and tell her that we will stop talking, in a polite manner.

This is, of course, easier said than done since I still care a lot about her (and I keep thinking that she's the most beautiful woman on earth). But I'm determined, and even looking forward to that liberating moment. Things are only going to get better. To be honest, I will keep the door open. I will tell her she can contact me if she wants, but the ball is in her court.

Anyone have a similar experience?

I don't know what to do anymore, I think about him from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. The last time I saw him was a year ago, we have never spoke, why am I still hung up on him.

I honestly don't know what to do, it doesn't matter if I do nothing or I keep busy, he's always on my mind.i can't live the rest of my life this way.