u/RunLate3317

Basically that's it, I was aiming to study medicine but my grade wasn't high enough and ended up in a bio&chem dual degree but it's exhausting and it makes me so depressed. For one, I have class both in the morning and in the evening so I barely have free time and I don't really like the subjects that much. Not connecting with people in my class because of schedules is also killing me and the overall vibes are just making me miserable. I also didn't really get any rest this summer because of personal stuff so I'm specially burnt out, and I desperately need a break.

I just got a job opportunity and I'm thinking about dropping out this year, getting some money plus doing other things like volunteering and getting a C1/C2 proficiency certificate in English (since I'm spanish) and in the meantime also study for entrance exams again and try to get into med.

Is it too drastic? On one hand it's only my first year so it wouldn't be as bad as if I was taking a gap year in between, but on the other hand I'm worrying about falling behind plus the semester already started

Buenas, en la última selectividad me quedé muy cerca de alcanzar la nota de corte de medicina de mi universidad deseada pero no lo logré. Decidí, pensando abandonar la idea de cursar medicina, estudiar un doble grado de biología y química y centrarme en la investigación científica en un futuro. Sin embargo lo que siempre he querido ha sido ayudar a la gente y no puedo quitarme de la cabeza la idea de estudiar medicina. Tengo como una de mis opciones intentar rogar esta primera semana que me cambien de carrera (altamente improbable, sí, y muy molesto también para el personal universitario pero podría intentarlo) a enfermería y repetir la siguiente pau, o permanecer en mi carrera (bio y química) y ayudarme de ella para repetir también la pau el año que viene ya que muchas asignaturas y parte del temario es el de segundo y tengo que repasarlo de todos modos. No quiero que este año sea un año "inútil" o gastado.

Me siento muy tonto porque ya debería haber pensado en esto y ya tuve todo el verano para pensar, pero creí que tenía claro que quería hacer la carrera en la que me matriculé y solo ahora me están entrando dudas después de asistir a un par de clases. Ayuda !!

First of all sorry for this post because I will just be talking about myself, and also it's quite a long read so thank you if you decide to read. I didn't want to post on any of the bigger trans subreddits. I'll delete it or post it somewhere else if you prefer or if this is not the place for it

For context I am sadly afab and my problem is that I don't really know what gender I am. I have been thinking about my gender identity for as long as I can remember and I've always been a bit unsettled by it for lack of a better word. I've always though I was a woman and initially I struggled for not being feminine enough, specially because of my weight. I tried dressing in hyper feminine clothes, started hanging out with more women (I've always had male friends, my female friends are now scarce and I just don't feel really welcome in female spaces) and I liked being more "socially accepted", specially because my partner encouraged me to be more feminine and I basically started dressing for him. I felt happy but I'm really douting if maybe I just liked the attention, because I dressed up and did my makeup while thinking specifically about what HE would like.

Honestly I didn't really enjoy the dressing up that much, to the point that after a while I stopped trying and started wearing baggy clothes that hid my body. Two moments seem important to me: the first one was when one of my female friends needed to make a gift for her girlfriend and asked me for advice because I'm "a feminine woman who likes feminine things", and it made me feel really really gross and I couldn't explain why.

The other was when, during Carnival (idk which countries do it, here it's not like the brazilian version it's just like halloween but without the spooky stuff so just dressing up) I proposed to my bf to exchange clothes so our custome would be eachother and I loved wearing men's clothes, I loved the times I was jokingly referred to as a he. Those moments made me start thinking about it and I eventually tried to identify as non binary but I feel like it's not "me" enough

But I feel like this is nothing, I shouldn't be concerned JUST because of this. I don't really remember ever thinking about being a man when I was a kid. But I do indentify with trans people's descriptions of dissociation and disconnection from their body. I felt for most of my highschool years that I wasn't real and I always saw my body as something for others to enjoy or judge, not really as mine and I definetely did not feel nor do I feel any attachment to it.

I just feel like I have many problems (for one, depression) that I am trying to desperately find a solution for and maybe I got too attached to the idea of being trans and to the idea that transitioning may help me. It just seems like I am faking it, because I started considering it once I joined online trans spaces.. they felt more welcoming and I had never felt more understood. But maybe I'm just a mentally ill girl that wants attention and is sick of herself. I don't know.

Like it feels so so good. It does feel really bad too and it takes you to such dark places and makes you do things that you wouldn't do if you were sane... But when things go well it's like you're on a perpetual dream; all your problems suddenly don't seem so important and you don't worry about the future that much and you stop crying every night until you fall asleep because you feel like you actually have a purpose now, because there's something that gives you hope. You feel human again, there is SOMETHING to look forward to, even if it completely messed you up, even if you sacrificed youself, your career and your friends for that person.

It's hard to explain why one would be willing to ruin their whole life for someone else but it just feels that good, it's addicting specially when your life is otherwise horrible.

I don't know what to do because it's coming back. I have a stable life now and I feel the urge and I don't know what to do to avoid it. Because pursuing it will make me deteriorate, mind and body, and destroy everything I managed to achieve. I'm scared and I don't know what to do

I've always had problems accepting my own body and we both believed it was just dysmorphia and he thought it would go away if he just loved me enough and helped me through it. But I believe it's more than that, I believe what I am experiencing is dysphoria and every day it feels worse when he calls me his girlfriend or small or cute or maternal or feminine. We have spent so much time together that if I now bring this up he will think everything we went through was a lie, and that I always felt bad in this relationship which is not the case, I love him and this relationship is the best thing to ever happen to me.

However he has been going through a though time and he says he wants to have stability in his life and this news will affect him greatly. I have been trying to repress it for a while just to see if I could bear it for him but it's not working. I don't want the me feeling bad affecting our relationship but I don't want him to be scarred and affected by this.

I don't know if he will leave me, I mean he is a heterosexual man so probably and it really scares me and I don't want that to happen but, if it happens, I just want him to not think that everything wss a big lie or something. I don't want to make him feel bad.

Please if you have a trans partner who came out during your relationship pleasd help me.