r/mypartneristrans

Hi I (F20) and my partner (Ftm NB 20) got into our biggest fight today. I’d like to clarify our fights aren’t even fights— more like us talking it out whenever we get upset.

I kept my partner waiting 5 mins too long when we were supposed to go out because I was doing work. I noticed that they seemed a little quiet and upset as we drove to the date but felt scared to speak up and apologize. I don’t feel scared of my partner— they’ve never done anything to make me feel unsafe or anything— but I just felt scared. Maybe because I knew I was in the wrong? They’ve told me before how they didn’t like it when I was late to things because it made them feel like they were just waiting around for me— made them feel disrespected.

My partner does this thing whenever they’re upset— they ignore me until they get a grasp on the situation and how they feel about it because they don’t want to just react how they do in the moment and say something they regret. And that’s exactly what they did for the need 2ish hours of our date, and usually I really admire this about them but whenever something goes wrong I just want to talk to them! I want them to talk to me! This was wrong of me I know— but I ignored them back… not because I needed time to think but because I wanted to get them back in that moment

I‘ve told them how I felt about the ignoring whenever we get into conflict before and whenever we talked after they told me it’s much harder for them to express how they feel in the moment when I’ve hurt them than it is for me to just say I’m sorry. I completely agreed with them. I was in the wrong, I should’ve known better. I will do better. But that’s all I could say.

I’ve been really hurt in my past— and that’s not an excuse more like a way to explain my thinking. But in conflicts the resolution timeline has always been decided by the other person. I’m used to the other person reaching out to me first and me just leaving them alone until they’re ok. My partner wanted me to reach out first and ugh I feel so terrible for saying this but how was I supposed to know? Especially since they take the time to think it out first, how was I supposed to know they wanted me to comfort them unless they told me?

I feel like the situation still isn’t fixed but I’m truly at a loss of what more I can say besides I’m sorry and I’ll be better. I don’t want to run away from my partner but idk I’m feeling scared again. IDK if this 2 AM vent is making any sense but advice would help ty

Me (19F) and my partner (18FTM) have a big event coming up for which he requires to buy a suit. We were excited to go buy it together but every time we were near the stores he'd regret it saying "he was scared". We decided to do it in little steps so today we were gonna buy a shirt in any departmental store rather than in a men's suit store (it wouldn't feel as intimidating) yet before I measured him he began to feel really dysphoric.

He told me that everytime he thinks about doing something more 'manly' he feels scared, this time he's scared about people doubting he is man (he's pre-t but has good cis-passing, mostly strangers refer to her by he/him but it varies depending the person and place ), that this morning he began to feel dysphoria as a result of thinking about going to buy the shirt.

We decided to take even tinier steps and start by taking his measures tomorrow.

He wants to buy a proper suit for the event even if it's hard but we haven't gotten past step 1. I don't want to pressure him and won't do it, after all the worst thing that can happen is him using the formal clothes he already owns.

I don't really know what to do if this doesn't keep moving forward, I don't wanna seem pushy and just wanna accompany him trough it all. I know it means a lot to actually buy men formal wear for him even if he's scared about it. Is there something I'm missing about how it all feels for him? How could I be supportive trough something like this (he wants to do it but feels scared/dysphoric)?

Im a pre t ftm and my girlfriend mtf, when she started hormones at first i was grieving our sex life, because she warned me that 'it wouldn't get up' and it did happen for a while, after that, she started getting horny again and it was working, i thought maybe her hormones are regulated now? Anyways, lately, we are back on it not working, and its awkward as in my partner tries but fails and feels embarrassed. The last times we have done it, she doesnt last either, and it leaves me unsatisfied. It feels miserable. I am grieving again what it was once our sex life and i don't know what to do, as it feels like a big part in our relationship has died (we wouldn't be togueter if we didnt happen to connect in a way we had sex the 3rd day after meeting). And yes, i can live without sex, its not a reason why i am in a relationship, but in this particular relationship it feels like a vital part, as it helps me feel loved by her.

Edit: At the start of my relationship all i focused was on to please her (it didnt help she kinda didn'tcare about pleasing me but moreso focused on pleasing herself) but i learnt that my pleasure matters too.

Caption kind of explains it.

We’ve been together for over half a year now, things have been good, but I can’t get over this one thing. Most of the time I wear modest clothes but sometimes I feel like wearing shorts or something more low cut in the chest. She won’t let me wear shorts or skirts when im not with her, which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because the times I’ve been harassed I’ve been wearing clothes that literally only show my neck and face. She says it’s about harassment but like I said in the line before it doesn’t make sense. I feel like she’s blaming me.
I dated a woman and felt like I escaped the way men treated me in the past…

My (29F) fiance (30mtf) told me a couple nights ago that he doesn't know if he can continue our relationship and a couple of days after that very casually asked if I knew where his bottle of tblockers are because he hasn't taken them in 5 days. My partner only started taking hormones 6 months ago but I read that going off of tblockers can mimic menopausal symptoms and I know women who describe feeling like they were losing their minds during menopause. I'm not trying to blame our relationship problems on his transition, I'm just curious if anyone has had similar experiences when a partner has lost/forgotten to take their hormones?

Hello all, I am a young 20-something cisgender woman and have been dating my trans (ftm) boyfriend for a couple of months now. I've recently been dealing with some complex yet very happy feelings towards my situation that I'm very curious to see if others share.

While I have been in queer spaces since middle school, I've only ever dated cishet dudes. This is my first relationship with someone who is trans, and it has been a dauntingly illuminating experience for me. I have always struggled to find peace in my identity as a woman, especially one as loud and opinionated as I am. I feel I cannot escape the hierarchical constraints that have been placed upon me, and I hate it bitterly. Because of this, I have always fought tooth and nail to assert myself over the men I was romantically involved with. I felt that if I were able to dominate a man, to be in a non-heteronormative relationship - while still living within the confines of this comphet box - that I would find some level of validation or freedom in my identity.

I believe my logical progression was rooted in the undeniable truth that I was deathly scared of being viewed as inferior by someone so close to me. I sought comfort from these ailments in the arms of the enemy.

In the few blissful months (and hopefully so many more) that I have found myself in the company of my sweet, sweet man, I cannot even begin to understand why I would put myself in those precarious relationships. My boyfriend is the only man who has ever made me feel this level of safety and respect. Everything is better, the companionship, the dynamic, the sex. I realize cis men never did it for me in such a way. And I honestly feel disgusted with myself for my previous sexual and romantic encounters with them; it's a pleasure thing and a political thing. I feel deeply sad for myself, the girl who believed het happiness existed, if only I could bend the bars of the birdcage or mold it into the shape of anything but a birdcage. I was trying to live by the patriarchy, without having to die by it. This kills me.

I now find myself rapt with love free from subtextual power struggles. I no longer feel this inescapable compulsion to conquer man. Not because he is any less of a man, but because I know without a shadow of doubt that he does not subconsciously see me as inferior to him. So, I don't ball my fists or show my teeth anymore. I don't feel compelled to dominate simply because I am expected to submit. I do it because I like wearing the strap. Makes me feel good, finally.

Straight M20 here dating a trans F18, recently she's been sending me lots of pretransition pictures and I don't even know what to say? I don't have any thoughts really, it's not like its bad or good reactions. Like, what do y'all say in this situation?
Also i'm not like worried, just tryna learn yk?

My (cisF) partner very recently chose to begin transition (m to f). We've been slowly sharing with folks - we started with a group of people we knew would be loving and supportive, and now we're sharing with the folks who we know may not take it well. For the most part we're both ready to accept the outcomes of most of these conversations (ie, if we tell someone and they don't like it, that's a them problem, not an us problem, and if that means the end of that relationship, so be it).

There is one exception - my ex spouse is my child's father. When we were together, he was more open minded, but since our split he's leaned further right. We share completely equal 50/50 custody. We set our custody agreement ourselves and did not have any custody battle when we divorced. We agreed that we both wanted to be part of our kid's life. We live in Texas.

Today I told my kid's father that my partner would be transitioning. He was upset and shocked. We talked a bit and he left calmly, but clearly frazzled, and said he had to think about it.

I'm afraid of what comes next. We've never had a custody battle. My son's entire life he's had both of us. He is 12 now.

Has any one else gone through anything like this? I've found two cases of trans biological parents losing custody of their kids in Texas. I can't find anything regarding trans step parents.

I know my ex may just be in shock. I just fear what could come next, and I need resources to understand what could unfold.

Hi everyone. Just as a heads up my current partner is trans and I’m a huge advocate and supporter of the trans community. This post is my venting about the fact that I recently learned that my rapist (who raped me for a year) is now trans. I don’t want my anger with this person to be mistaken with anger for the trans community since that isn’t true whatsoever.

Okay so about 7 years ago I was in a relationship with (at the time a man, Owen). Owen had abused, manipulated, and honestly just ruined my life. My parents were in a DV relationship so I didn’t really grasp the understanding in how awful Owen had treated me and what he was doing. I was in 6th grade at the time so I was also young and dumb. He would pressure me to have sex with him, manipulate me into it after I said no, and would force me to for almost a year straight. I finally had the courage to leave with support of some of my friends. Others didn’t believe me because I hadn’t told my parents. They didn’t think that someone who was being raped would keep it a secret from their family and assumed I was making it all up. I wasn’t. I cut Owen and his friends out of my life after that.
He then would show up at my school (which he didn’t go to) and harass me there, go to my schools homecoming/prom and corner me with his friends to laugh at me when I got a panic attack from being in the same room as him. He would caption on instagram “had fun messing with…(me)”. He thought it was so funny because I still hadn’t told most people yet.
I ended up talking to my mom about it around 4/5 years ago. It was horrifying but she comforted me and helped me heal from it.
Flash forward to about a month ago. I was looking on instagram and for whatever reason I had a gut feeling that Owen was going to be back in our hometown since college was ending soon. So I unblocked him and looked at his instagram.
Owen is now trans mtf and goes by Vivian. (The name we were going to name our daughter that I know she remembers). She does a lot of sneaky shit to mess with me. When I tried to tell people about the abuse Vivian would say (since she was a boy at the time) that she couldn’t have raped me since she’s suddenly gay now so why would a gay guy force a woman to sleep with him? I am a huge supporter of the trans community but I feel like this is another thing to mess with me. Not the whole identity thing but the name and if I try to be more vocal about what they put me through I’m scared they’re going to say I’m being transphobic. I would never want to make the trans community look bad but I also want people to know about what this rapist has done. I don’t know what to do. Thank you for listening to my rant

We had sex in the shower yesterday. We were standing up in a doggy position. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but this morning he told me he had two nightmares connected to his dysphoria afterward. This isn’t the first time it’s happened.

His dysphoria mainly comes through nightmares and unsettling dreams. This time it was about his chest. He hasn’t had top surgery yet. We have a jar we both put money into sometimes to save up for it, but prices keep going up, and sometimes we have to take money out just to get by, so we’re nowhere near affording it.

In the dream, he was going to a waterpark with friends. They all casually took their shirts off and kept going, but he had to stay behind. He kept trying on different bikini tops, but nothing worked, and he was panicking while his friends had already left.

This is a real life struggle for him, we cant go to any pools, waterparks.

I’m wondering if there’s anything that can help other than top surgery. Do we just stop doing those positions?

He wears binders every day. He hates taking them off, seeing his chest, but he doesnt like seeing his binder either without a shirt. During sex he’s either shirtless or wearing a binder with a shirt over it, but that kind of kills the intimacy.

He also tried trans tape before, but he couldn’t really get it to work for him.

When he’s naked and we do certain positions, especially ones where his body is facing downward and his chest is moving around, he tends to get nightmares afterward. Do we just avoid positions that trigger his dysphoria, or is there something else that could help?

Is he basically stuck waiting until he can afford top surgery?

Rant may be a little weirdly worded because I’m still processing. My partner’s always been on the feminine side (AMAB) but I just feel myself losing feelings and attraction to them because of the fact that they want to medically transition and take estrogen. It’s just a.. weird situation. Especially because I myself am trans. I feel guilty for not wanting to be with my partner anymore because I’m gay. I am a man who likes men. They keep bringing up the fact that I’m trans as well and that theyd stay even if I medically transitioned. Is that fair to say? Am I hypocritical for not wanting to be with my partner anymore because they came out? Advice appreciated..

This is my first time posting in here and I’m hoping to get some help. My bf is ftm and so far I’ve been the most supportive person he knows which breaks my heart tbh. His friends treat him differently now that he isn’t just a lesbian. For some reason that changes things I guess.

But not only that, his parents seemed unbothered and supportive when he came out as trans. He was anxious all week and they could tell. (We live out of state so we went for a long visit) but the other day he tried to talk to his mom. She basically told him she and his dad don’t agree with it, they don’t wanna look stupid in front of friends and family, he was born a girl and will always be a girl, etc.

I saw how blatantly heartbroken he is. We knew it would take time, and that it would take getting used to and whatnot and he didn’t even care if they used his old pronouns but everything she said about it just broke him. He came inside and went to the bathroom like normal but I knew something was wrong. As soon as he came out I went to hug him and could tell he had been crying. He broke down into tears for a while before he could tell me what happened. And note he literally doesn’t cry. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him like this.

I truly don’t know what to do. I’m furious with his mom. I was really close to her but apparently me saying his correct pronouns felt like me shoving it down her throat, which I understand and was not my intention. I wish she had just said something to me about it. We had thought if I was using the correct ones it may help her adjust to hearing them but we never tried to tell her to use them or anything. But because of that she started ignoring me. Honestly sucks because she really did feel like a second mom to me. Now that’s just out the window.

But everything she said infuriates me. She may have thought those things but to say that to your child who was TERRIFIED to be himself around you in the first place because of your judgment is appalling. I can’t imagine caring more about what others think than how your child is feeling. It’s even worse because they made it seem like they were supportive and then just decided to say all of these things.

I’m at such a loss. I don’t know what to do considering I feel absolutely helpless right now. How do we navigate this? How do I help him navigate this?

hello!
my partner of three years has felt gender dysphoria (on and off) since his late teens and it has recently spiked.
he has a very, well, stereotypical view on the way men should behave, specifically that they have to be the "stronger ones" in a relationship. he finds it quite hard to let me (f) hold him because of that; it’s difficult to me because i miss the intimacy and i also want to take care of him the way i used to do.
our sex life is nonexistent due to his perception of self and i don’t think that anything is helping to improve it, we’ve had many conversations about what would make him comfortable during it but the desire simply isn’t there (obviously, i don’t want to force it in any way).
have any of you had similar experiences in your relationships? if so, what helped to make the other person feel comfortable with your touch and ease the feeling that they absolutely do not have to be made of stone? is there anything i can even do?

Today she got a phonecall with her surgeon. Her genderaffirming surgery and breast implants are scheduled for the end of July after having been on the waiting list for years. I'm so happy for her and will try to support her in any way I can.

I want to get her a cake for if she leaves hospital. I'm thinking of having a cake made with baby blue, pink and white icing (trans flag colors) and the text: 'Hurray, it's a girl!'. Would that text be appropriate?

My (cisF) cat hates men. She’s not too keen on people who aren’t me in general but any man that enters the house gets met with hisses and a baleful look that screams “get rid of it.” My partner (ftm) met her for the first time last year and sure enough, she was nothing but piss and vinegar to him. She’ll let him pet her occasionally as he gives good scritches but she makes sure that he knows it’s not because she likes him or anything. I joked to him last year that my cat is trans affirming and any dysphroic transmascs can come meet my misandrist cat so she can bully them for a good cause.
EDIT: for some reason this posted like 5 times so I deleted the duplicates, apologies mods for spamming!

Hi friends. I am struggling. (burner account btw) I am a 23 F dating MtF 34. I love my partner. I've never felt this way about anyone. When we met and were friends I had no idea she was trans until she told me when we started becoming romantically involved. I ask for some grace from those reading this post.

We've been together 6 months now and she just told me she asked for a letter of recommendation for FFS. Honestly it gutted me. I had no idea this was something she was interested in. I know it has nothing to do with me and my feelings on the matter are unimportant. At the end of the day I want her to have the care that she needs. But I am heartbroken. It makes me sad that she doesn't see herself the way I see her. I love her features, I fell in love with her face.

I don't know how to approach this conversation with her. As a cis women my relationship to surgery is vastly different than a trans woman's and I fully recognize that. I have always seen it as an industry that weaponizes women's insecurities in order to profit off of it. Maybe thats a controversial opinion, but if my partner were not trans, I would also be just as sad for her to feel that she needs to surgically change her features. But I also understand that facial features that no one else may notice can cause dysphoria for trans people.

I guess what I am seeking here is advice from partners of people who have undergone gender affirming surgeries and from people who have had these surgeries. I don't know how to handle this. I am honestly just sad and saddened by the idea that I would look at the person I love and see someone else. I understand that it's not about me, and it's about getting care that she has wanted/needed for years. I just don't know how to handle or cope with it. I have seen other posts from people who were told to "get over it this isn't about you" but I feel that the issue is a lot deeper than that. I love her and want to be with her, i just don't know how to handle this situation. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

EDIT:

Thank you to everyone who has offered some advice for me. I really appreciate it and it has been helpful. I am really glad there is a community like this for people to support one another. The idea of talking about my personal life on the internet is difficult so I feel weird responding to every comment, but please know I have read all of them and value that you all took the time to hear me out and respond. I don't have many people other than my therapist that I can talk to about this because no one in my life really knows that my partner is trans, and most people are not very understanding about stuff like this.

Heyy... So the thing is...

I found someone. We found each other on Tinder in all of the places, we've been dating, moved in together, got married for almost a year now and we have a dog together.

I've always loved everything about her, from her smile, her personality, our shared laughs, even our hard moments when we both cry until we're all red and ugly, we've got through so much already.

We are both struggling with mental health problems (I got AuDHD&BPD, she has OCD, DID, depressions– we are a LOT.)

So this is all hard just as it is. But since we've always got each other, it wasn't as hard, we are really putting all of the effort in our relashionship, I feel so much love for her I could explode.

But, well, here comes the twist.

She had terrible childhood, so she's been dissociating for her whole life. And yesterday, because she finally felt safe enough with herself, she admitted she feels like she might be a man.

I did all the right things– cuddled them, ensured them I won't go anywhere, that I still love them and always will, that I'm glad they told me and that we will figure it out together with the testosterone and everything. But I CAN'T.

I physically can't. It rips me apart, but I just can't imagine myself with a man. I love them, I love them so frickingly much. But I don't think I can do it. I'm scared of men, actually scared. Always been this way. And I just can't be with someone who's a man. But I CAN'T let them go. I've never been with a man, only the thought disgusts me so much I might vomit. I've never felt anything towards them in a romantic or sexual way. So like– what the fuck do I do now?

My partner is bisexual, they cannot imagine the struggle they put me in (which, I don't blame them at all to be 100% clear, I'm happy for them and the fact they don't feel suicidal just because they realised their real identity is making me cheer them up even more, because they deserve everything good but... I just can't do it.)

I love them the most in this world and can't imagine I'm not with them every day of my life because they ARE my life, but... I'm just 100% lesbian and them being a man... what the hell am I supposed to do? No one prepares you for this. I know our love is stronger than anything, but for now, the love doesn't seem to be enough of an answer on this situation. I've been crying the whole day, it is a very serious matter to me. Can anyone share their experiences please?

Edit 1: to add age/gender

Edit 2: adding more context:

Some more context than what is in the post + in the comments, putting it here for visibility and clarifying some things- she came out 2 months ago. First to me, then a couple days later our parents, then the week after out at work and with friends. She has been exploring her gender expression since we started dating, but initially said she knew she wasn’t trans. A couple years in it turns out she was in some pretty big denial. There were some signs from my pov, but largely it was unexpected. Shortly after coming out she started dressing feminine in public (makeup+clothes+accessories+nails) and has began laser for her face. She has not started HRT yet but hopefully will within the next couple of months. No bottom dysphoria as of right now but that could change. The plan has always been to have a family, so taking measures to have swimmers frozen is currently in the works. Postponing starting a family so she can transition, and postponing marriage until she is a bit more settled in herself. She is still extremely early in her transition. We have been together for 2 years, engaged for 1, but friends for much longer than that.

_________

Not like, zero interaction or anything, just doesn’t identify as a trans woman and doesn’t want to go out of her way to interact with anyone else who is mtf. She (33mtf) identifies as a woman, and doesn’t want to be seen as a trans woman. I (35 cisF) am struggling with a few things.

The first month I put being supportive and accepting before my own feelings (not trying to be a martyr, it just hadn’t fully set in yet). The past month my emotions have taken a nose dive and I can’t get out of it (it’s been just over two months since she came out) I love her more than anything and want to get through this, I am just struggling with so many different things related to this right now. I’m in weekly therapy, but it’s not enough. I reached out to a local trans positive/support group and want to get involved.

She doesn’t want to, and is doing so just because I want to. She is resistant to any type of therapy, and really only getting into it because I’m asking. We’re on the waitlist for a couples therapist who specializes in lgbtq+ specifically trans. She doesn’t have her own therapist, and hasn’t talked to a therapist at all about transitioning. This feels odd to me, therapy seems necessary to the whole realization + process.

She also doesn’t want to be around other trans women. We can’t get involved in this organization without her involvement. She seems annoyed any time I bring up wanting to get involved in the trans community, and says it’s not really something she feels is necessary or wants to do, but she’ll do it for me. I don’t want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do, but don’t understand how someone would want to go through something like this on their own. I also don’t understand how you could reject the company/help of people just like you, who have been through what you’re going through/currently are going through it.

I need support or I won’t be able to get through this. I don’t understand how she feels she can (or even should) do this on her own.

I don’t mean to come across as cold hearted or lacking empathy. Could other trans women who felt similarly please help me understand what is happening? I obviously don’t want to force anything on her, and it makes me feel like shit that it’s not something she’s actively interested in. I am trying to empathize with the resistance but struggling. I’m drowning in general here.

I'm normally very positive and encouraging in this sub, but as someone who has worked in the mental health field with queer folks and couples, I feel a need to make a PSA about a lot of the posts I've been seeing lately.

You do NOT need to be your partner's therapist, mother, emotional punching bag, or otherwise just because they are transitioning. Yes, they may need more support than they did as a cis partner, or HRT may be triggering some difficult changes, but you do not need to stretch yourself thin or put up with neglect/abuse because of it.

I absolutely love and support my trans wife 100%. It means so fucking much being able to walk with her through her transition - the exciting parts, the intimidating parts, and everything in between. But I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't feel like I could voice my own feelings or ask for support back when I need it. Trans or not, at the end of the day, she's my partner too. We're a team and we want to be there for each other.

Obviously, not all of these posts are created equal. Some of them are about minor communication issues, and others involve emotional neglect, cheating, gaslighting, etc. The former can be navigated with honest, difficult conversation. But it's sad seeing partners in those other posts trying to downplay their pain, or worse, assuming that their partner's shitty or abusive behavior is just a product of transitioning. Your partner is shitty and abusive. It has nothing to do with their trans identity.

I'm not trying to say that these challenges are easy to address by any means, or that a relationship with a trans partner should NEVER be difficult. That's what this sub is for. I just want everyone, cis or trans, to feel like they are in a loving, mutually supportive relationship where those difficult conversations CAN be done. You should not feel obligated to put up with shitty behavior from a partner just because that partner happens to be a certain gender. You all deserve unconditional love and care ❤️

Me (cisF) & my husband (FtM/nonbinary) have been together for 6 years now, married for 2. In the last 6 months they have started T. The rise in sex drive I was expecting, but there has also been a slight obsession of theirs developing over penises. Post-op dicks, cis dicks, gay & hetero porn, etc. Even going as far as sounding attracted to them all of a sudden and wanting them.

I know I have insecurities to work on, but I can’t help but feel worried me being a cis female is not gonna be what they want anymore. Part of me also thinks this may be a “do I want them or want to be them” mentality that they’re figuring out?

Idk. Is this normal when starting T? I don’t ever want to invalidate their transition or be negative towards their exploration, so I just want to know if I’m overreacting I guess?