How to be okay?
Hi everyone,
I am sorry, I can already tell that this might be a little bit of a long-winded, ranting post but the tldr of it is "I am not coping well and can someone please tell me how to be okay?"
My spouse of 15 years came out to me (sort of) about a week ago. I'm a bisexual cis woman and my spouse is currently exploring the idea that they might be mtf trans. I am fully supportive of whatever they decide but I can't seem get my body to agree? We've had some discussions and even experimented with clothes/makeup, etc. All which have been positive experiences. Truly seeing them light up during this has been incredible. They've spoke about taking HRT and I've read up on the life-changing experiences of HRT for trans women and it fills me with so much excitement.
On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified. I think spending time on reddit is probably not helping. I see story after story of couples not surviving the transition. I see stories about trans women starting hormones and finding their sexuality changes. I love this person with everything that I am, every piece of me. Losing them would end me. I know making grand statements like "I know I will love this person no matter what, man or woman" is not always accurate but it really feels that way. My spouse also apparently has no doubt in our mind that we will be okay, not even a small worry according to them. I also know it is way too early to start catastrophizing. They love me now, they'll love me tomorrow, nothing has changed in that respect.
So how can I get my body to catch up to my rational thoughts? I've spent a lot of the last week feeling jittery, nauseous, heavy. I've lost 5 pounds from barely being able to eat. I haven't gone a single day without sobbing. I've had moments where I felt like I was going to die from my chest exploding. I am so tired. I've spent a lot of time trying to make my spouse feel safe but I am really struggling myself.
Can someone please tell me this is normal and I will be okay?
Also if anyone here has been through a spouses transition and has a success story to share I would love to hear it. I think I need more positive stories to cling to rather than reading through the countless negative ones. Also please don't tell me even if we don't end up together I will be okay, I am not ready to hear that. Thank you.