My Heart is SO Confused
My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. She began transitioning around 3 years ago now and I can’t tell you how happy I am for her. I’m also SO proud of her for making so many difficult choices lately.
Around 2 years into our marriage, our sex life came to a screeching halt. I could spend hours giving more detail but long story short, we had discussions about it a few times a year. I would reach a breaking point, unsure of why the change occurred. I would ask her why and she wouldn’t have an answer for me or would give reasons like “we’ve just been busy”. I spent close to 6 years trying everything I possibly could to “fix” whatever was wrong. I solely focused on me and things that I could change (weight, career, need for sex, etc.). I spent much emotional energy trying to cope with the loss of our sexual relationship.
Over time, to survive this (sorry for being dramatic), I had to turn off my sexual attraction to her. It just hurt too much.
Three years ago, during another one of our discussions, she came out as a transwoman. I had come out as nonbinary (AMAB) two years before that and so it was easy to be excited for her and to be supportive. A few months later, we opened our relationship because she was exploring the label of asexual and I’m a very sexual person. That went well but I’m also an emotional person and craved more intimacy and not just sex. So, we became poly. But it was at this time that she also mentioned that she was interested in exploring sex again.
It wasn’t plainly discussed but it became clear that she wasn’t interested in having sex with me in any way. I was initially able to just “move on” from that because of my excitement at the possibility of finding someone new to connect with emotionally and sexually while also still being able to support my wife. But that’s when things got really difficult. The reality had started to set in that she was definitely interested in sex, just not with me. She started sleeping with men. The sex didn’t bother me so much, I don’t think. But watching her show romantic affection toward anyone else made it feel like the world was just disappearing beneath me. It’s been two years of that now. Our relationship is still strong, still loving, still supportive, and still romantic in some ways. But honestly, I have to do my best completely avoid thinking about her giving physical and mental intimacy to someone else when it feels like she won’t/give that to me.
We recently discussed this more (we’ve tried to keep the conversation going and I’ve done my best to remain open with how I’m feeling). She told me that our relationship isn’t sexual because of her identity. More specifically, she doesn’t know if she’d ever be able to fully believe that I see her as a woman and that just fully shuts down any idea or inclination toward physical intimacy with me.
This is… heartbreaking. I know there’s nothing I can do to convince her that I see her as a woman. And I would never want to give her the impression that I’m trying to do so. There’s nothing I can do about this. All I can do is try to cope with my own emotions and try to be the most supportive partner I can be. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not actively sexually attracted to her anymore but I so wanted the chance for us to explore that part of our relationship again. Not because “sex” is so important, but because I miss having that connection with her so badly.
I suppose I wanted to meet people that are possibly going through something similar and see how time has impacted those situations. I’m not interested in being told that she and I should split. Neither of us has any desire to do that. But if there are any suggestions for how I can change my mindset or how I can cope better or more healthily, I’d love to hear those.
Thanks.