Struggling to find anything I like about this, and feeling awfully guilty.
Tldr: I am not attracted to my partner when they present feminine. I don't know if being with someone trans is for me, and I don't know what to do.
My partner and I, both in our 40s, have been together for almost 20 years. They recently came out as genderfluid, and have gone headlong into a more feminine presentation. This completely came out of the blue. I had thought that trans people had a long history of feeling like the other gender but this really seems to have hit them quite suddenly and I feel blindsided and lost.
I, ethical-wise, fully support them and their exploration. I think everyone should question their own gender. I have to hold two diametrically opposed thoughts in my head, because while I support them, I also don't really like it. I know I don't have to like it, but I want to, and I am struggling. I have been asked by my therapist to make a list of things I could enjoy/look forward to with their gender identity, and I am coming up blank.
There is a lot that I do not like, but I'm not going to sit here and type out a list and rehash all the parts about this that feel icky.
Is it appropriate to support them from afar right now? Can the marriage last? Can I love and support them and still not want this for myself? We are very transparent with one another and our communication is good. They are also in therapy. I wish I could just dive headlong into fully joining them which is what they want, but that's just not there for me right now, and I feel so frigging guilty about it. I want to be stoked and love them unconditionally and I'm really struggling to show up that way.
I just can't be there for them right now, I am not excited about this and it sucks! Why am I like this!? Why do I feel like this!? Does it get better? Do people generally come around?? Am I judging myself too harshly when I feel like a complete and absolute jackass hypocrite because I fully support trans people but don't really want to be with someone trans? I think that's the hardest bit for me. I kind of don't want to be in a relationship with a woman, even part time. What do I do? This sucks. I don't want to end our near 20 year relationship over the fact that my partner is a woman half the time. Can I make myself like it!? I keep feeling like I'm at peace with it and then a few days later I fall apart again and I am tired of the back and forth.
AAHHHHHH!!!! This is hard! I need a beach vacation. Thanks for reading.
edit: sorry moderators for the new account but this is a throw away, a few friends know my main account from some cross-stitching subreddits and I don't want to jeopardize my partners privacy.