Feeling unwanted
My (cis f) partner (ftm) and I recently broke up because he was interested in someone else and I am monogamous was not going to stick around and wait for him to cheat. Things were tense for a bit but we’re talking again, and trying to work on repairing the trust that was broken when he went to flirt with someone else.
As we’re working on building that trust and feeling of safety, he tells me that while we’re not officially together he wants to sleep with someone with a dick just to see what it’s like, and says that experience is important to him. I am devastated. I know he prefers to watch gay porn, and the girl he was pursuing is trans, and I just feel all around that I am not what he wants. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, and he is willing to wait until I feel more secure so he can go sleep with someone else for the experience, but that he would rather do this without me and not like in a threesome setting.
Sex to me isn’t impersonal and we’ve discussed being Demi and needing a bond first. I feel that he is not going to enjoy it the one time he swears he wants, and will want to try again with someone he feels more of a connection to. Or maybe he will enjoy it so much he doesn’t want me anymore. I feel like no matter how this goes, I’ve lost him. That includes if I’m never ok with it and he resents me for standing in the way of what he wants.
I know we’re not technically together right now, but if we’re trying to rebuild things this is just counter to that for me. And for the record, he HAS slept with a cis guy but says he doesn’t remember much of the experience.
There are a lot of levels to this that I don’t understand and I feel all kinds of rejected. I don’t want to, but I feel like the best thing to do is end things myself now, for good, and let him go his own way. This isn’t just an opportunistic “while we’re on a break” thing. He already actively tried to find someone else while we were together.
It’s over, isn’t it.