Struggling with Anticipatory Grief and Guilt
Hi everyone,
I'm using an old throwaway account here, and I'm going to try to be as brief (and as unidentifiable) as possible.
My partner (AMAB) recently came out as trans (around 4 months ago). Our relationship for the past year has been a bit rocky to begin with, with some communication and resentment issues that we've been attending couples therapy for. This new chapter has not really helped our relationship, as my partner has been evasive about how they're feeling and how they want to proceed (will act like they dont know, but then do things to advance their transition without communicating), despite my efforts to be supportive and try to keep communication lines open.
I've been feeling really drained in my relationship, but at the same time, I don't want to leave them during this time where they need additional support and don't have other family or a support system in the area we live in. Part of me also feels a bit trapped, as they sometimes make me feel that their going through with transitioning is reliant on me being okay with it and ensuring the relationship "stays the same". I keep feeling like the relationship will end though, so I've been struggling with anticipatory grief of the relationship and the future I imagined.
I'm feeling guilty for having these feelings, and the fact that I'm no longer feeling very attracted to my partner as they begin the journey of wearing different clothing and trying to be more feminine, given that I am bi. Reading some of the content in here, it seems like a lot of grace is given to straight folks, but I haven't really seen discussion of bi people who have struggled with this, so I'd love to hear directly from anyone who's been in the same spot. Just because I'm attracted to more than one gender, doesn't mean I automatically am attracted to all the people of those genders.
We've been together for 8 years, and we've grown up together and apart in a lot of ways. Part of me wants to continue fighting for us, but there's another part of me that's wondering if there's something out there in the universe that was meant for me to explore, and if there's someone who could make my partner happier and feel at their most authentic self.
I know this may be a strange batch of feelings that are coming up here. However, if anyone identifies with any portion of this, it would truly mean the world to hear from you. This has been extremely isolating, as my partner has not yet come out to others.