u/RebelLotus555

I’ve (38F) recently realized that a lifelong internal battle is a form of body dysphoria. Basically, I’m a cisgender woman and I identify as such, but I have intense body dysphoria around peeing sitting down.

I want to tell my husband (40M) about this, but I’m scared to. He’s a very supportive man and loves me so deeply. He’s very progressive and has several close friends who are nonbinary or trans, and he’s always been supportive of them without question. So in that regard I know he’d be fully supportive. But I worry that me doing something that’s been culturally engrained as something only men can do that it would change how he views me.

If your female partner told you this, how would you feel? How would you react?

Throwaway account because I’m terrified of sharing this, but it’s been eating away inside me for so long that I just need to get it out. I’m scared this is going to sound like I’m making it up or trying to just get attention, because I can’t find anything anywhere that’s helped me with this or sounds similar to what I’ve been experiencing.

Is it possible to feel gender dysphoria or body dysphoria around the way your body works rather than looks?

I’m a cisgender woman in her 30s. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had what I think is dysphoria around how I pee. One of my earliest memories is of me right around being potty trained and being confused as to why my parents wouldn’t show me how to pee standing. I remember trying, making a huge mess, and getting in big trouble. I remember being lectured that peeing standing is exclusively something boys do… at the time, I thought that meant only boys had permission to do it, not that they were the only ones capable of doing it. I felt it deep down even back then that peeing standing was a part of who I am by nature.

Fast forward to today. I’ve largely swallowed these feelings my entire life and tried to make them disappear. But they always come back, and every time they do they feel stronger. I feel like I’m disconnected from my body when I sit to pee, or squat. I feel like I’m trapped and can’t escape. There have even been a couple of times when I ended up in tears because I felt like there’s something wrong with my body, but also felt guilty for wanting something the universe told me couldn’t be mine.

A few months back I stumbled across an old website that had an instructional video on how to pee standing as a woman. I bought it after reading about the site’s mission and reading the reviews. So I started down the journey of learning. It’s been so affirming to learn, albeit frustrating. I’m overweight, so that makes it harder to do, but it’s still possible. I get envious of all the other people with vulva who say they learn in a few weeks and then can do it anytime, anywhere. They can do it standing upright, aiming, controlling flow, and projecting outward without having to do much more than unzip their pants and pull underwear to the side… pretty much exactly like most people who identify as men pee. My weight limits how well I can do this, so I’ve only been able to do it at home, taking my pants and underwear off completely in order to get clearance and be able to do it. I can pee standing about 6 inches back from the toilet bowl, I can control aim very well (can even hit moving targets), and I don’t make any more of a mess than my male roommate (and I always clean it up afterward). Doing this makes me feel like I’m in the right body, like I’m truly me, like my body matches my soul. Sitting makes me feel the opposite of all that (unless I’m also going number two, but I feel that might be TMI).

But here’s the thing. I’ve never felt like I’m not a woman, never felt like I’m a man, never even felt like my body is missing a penis… I just want the function of one. I do think I might fit genderqueer a little bit, not just for this, but I definitely identify as a woman more than anything. But as strange as it sounds, standing to pee makes me feel valid as a woman. Is that normal? Is this what dysphoria feels like? Is there anyone else who feels this way about the way your body functions without feeling dysphoric about how it looks or what parts it has?

Thank you in advance. It feels good to have just said this all out loud.