r/AskMenRelationships

Hi, I'm curious if such a thing exists for men, especially older ones.
What would make you turn down a woman that you genuinely thought was attractive and liked talking to?
Or is you telling a woman that it has nothing to do with her just an excuse and a soft way of letting her down?
If you say "I don't want to lose my freedom with a relationship", do you actually mean it? Or is it your stance until you meet the "right" woman?

I know this may seem ridiculous, but please hear me out. I was dating this recent friend of mine for a couple of weeks, and she broke it off almost 2 weeks ago. We were not even explicitly official. She was the first person I ever dated, my first kiss, so overall my hands on experience on how this goes is lacking, despite being in mid of my 20s.

I now know she won't be getting back and I would like to try asking out another girl. My confidence around women may have gone up, and so has my desire to date. I have a few girls that have caught my eye, but I still need to get to know them a bit.

I am scared that if I start asking out women more frequently than I had before (on the order of once every 2 or 3 weeks), when my baseline was asking for number twice a year, that info will get back to the girl who broke up with me and she will think I am desperate or just looking for a substitute. My social circle is not that big, I manged to encounter the "ex" a few times by pure accident, so it is not inconceivable that she could learn I've asked out someone new.

Do you ever look at a woman and just know she's the one for you? Not necessarily love at first sight, but that feeling of "there's something different about her" from the first few interactions?

Of course personality, values, compatibility and all that matter too. I'm not talking about literally knowing someone is "the one" at first sight

But have you ever met or seen a woman and felt something pulling you towards her from the beginning? Like you can't really explain it, but there's just something about her that makes you want to know her more than anyone else.

Is that actually a thing for men or is it mostly just physical attraction that people later romanticize?

In 2024 I was in an emotionally volatile relationship for about 11 months that really messed me up psychologically. I became hypervigilant, anxious around inconsistency, and conflicted about intimacy in general. Since then I haven’t really felt emotionally safe enough for another serious relationship, but at the same time I still have sexual and emotional needs like anyone else.

So over the past year I tried the “casual dating” route instead. Tinder, Bumble, Feeld, Pure, HUD, Down etc. I used what I thought were decent photos and a pretty honest bio. I wasn’t trying to pretend to be some extroverted party guy because that’s just not me. I’m pretty serious, introspective and alternative-looking in general. But the apps completely destroyed my mental state.

I’d get some matches and conversations here and there, but most of the time girls would either:

-stop replying

-leave me on read

-seem interested then disappear

-act enthusiastic then suddenly go cold

I tried changing my approach loads of times. More flirty, more laid back, more direct, more respectful, more sexual, less sexual etc. Same outcome.

The worst part wasn’t even the rejection itself, it was what it was doing to my head. I’d become emotionally attached to possibilities way too quickly. I’d sit waiting for replies like an idiot. A girl disappearing for 2 days could ruin my mood completely. I even spent around £500 on Pure over time because I became desperate trying to “make something happen”.

There were a couple real life successes:

-one hookup that did lead to sex, but ended afterwards because our boundaries/expectations didn’t align another girl I clicked with more as a friend

Then there was one experience recently that really affected me.

-I was at Waterloo Station after band practice with my guitar and this girl randomly came up to me asking about it. She was drunk but very warm and affectionate. We ended up talking, hugging, she asked for my name, gave me her Instagram etc. It felt spontaneous and real in a way apps never do.

I genuinely walked away thinking “wow maybe this is how people actually meet”. But then over text she became super dry, took forever to reply, avoided meeting up, and when I eventually asked why she even approached me in the first place she basically said she didn’t know.

That hit me way harder than it probably should have because it made me feel like even real life interactions are temporary and meaningless too.

At the same time I’m also trying to quit porn because I think I’m genuinely addicted to it. I can’t even orgasm without porn anymore. I’ve tried moderation loads of times and failed. The only time I ever fully quit was during the first 6 months of my relationship.

So right now I feel trapped between:

-not wanting a serious relationship yet because I’m still hurt

-being unable to handle dating apps emotionally

-struggling to meet people organically because I hate clubbing/drinking culture

-and trying to quit porn/masturbation habits that have become compulsive

I also don’t want to become one of those angry resentful guys online blaming women for everything. I know women don’t owe me sex or attention. I genuinely don’t believe that. But I’d be lying if I said repeated rejection/inconsistency hasn’t made me more cynical and emotionally exhausted.

I think part of the issue is that I’m too emotionally intense for modern dating culture. I attach meaning to interactions very quickly and probably project emotional futures onto people before I even know them properly.

I’m trying to slow down now and learn how to deal with sexual frustration and loneliness in healthier ways instead of compulsively chasing validation through apps or porn. But honestly I still feel pretty lost.

Has anyone else been through something similar? Especially other men who came out of emotionally damaging relationships and then found modern dating kind of psychologically brutal afterwards?

I’d appreciate genuine advice because I don’t want this stuff to harden me into a worse person.

For context I (20f) am single and have been single since forever. I’m a virgin and I’ve kissed 3 guys in total, twice in high school- and then a tinder “hookup”, that’s besides the point. I am in this weird phase right now where no matter what I do or try to do, I feel extremely unattractive and feel like all men do is avoid me. Although I wouldn’t say I’m conveniently attractive however I know I’m not hideous. I try to go to the gym as much as I can, I have a set skincare and haircare regiment, and I make sure I have my hair and makeup done and a nice outfit almost every time I leave my house. but I can’t help but feel like I’m a troll when I’m the only one out of all my friends who is single and who guys dont approach. Hell I can’t even get a text back from the guy I am interested in, its gotten to a point where I don’t even try and go out anymore- took myself off dating apps- and just have completely given up on my love life. I know I’m rambling but I genuinely just want to know what I can do to fix this “dilemma” I know it’s corny but I just really want to be in love and be loved and appreciated.

What could it mean if a man 10 years older than me froze up, seemed shy, and started blushing when I gave him a sincere compliment?

Question is based on my own experience, all male friends disapeared when I got a boyfriend and was no longer single.

I’m a girl in college, not religious or conservative at all. Most people around me are hooking up and part of me wants that experience too😔

Main reason I’ve been holding off is because I keep hearing guys prefer girls who haven’t slept around, and I thought it might give me some kind of edge…But I’m starting to doubt that. Wouldn’t most of you actually prefer someone experienced who can match your energy instead of a prude? (self diss 💔)
Is holding off even worth it if it doesn’t make a real difference, or am I just making dating harder for no reason?

Be honest please no BS, “it’s your body/whenever you’re ready” lectures. I just want your 🫵personal take!! In your experience and relationships, would you prefer a woman who’s never had sex, or does experience matter more to you , thanks 🫰:p!

Men, I genuinely want help understanding my ex boyfriend’s mindset because this breakup has left me really confused.

My ex [36M] and I [29F] were together for about a year. The relationship felt loving, stable, supportive, and progressively deeper over time. Neither of us were extremely emotionally expressive, but I felt like we were steadily growing together. He showed up for me during major moments in my life and was emotionally supportive throughout the relationship.

About a week before the breakup, I told him I loved him. He told me love “paralyzes” him because in the past it’s only been used against him. I told him I understood because I also have complicated experiences with love but I love him for no other reason than love itself, then he kissed me and said he loved me too.

Then one week later, after a genuinely great date night, he suddenly told me:

“I don’t think we should be together.”

When I asked why, the reasons kept changing:
“I’m not a good boyfriend.”
“I don’t see myself marrying you.”
“You’re not enough for me in every way.”
“The relationship is too easy.”
“You don’t have enough masochistic tendencies to keep me interested.”

What confused me most is that when I challenged some of those statements, he admitted they weren’t fully accurate.

We also never fully finished the breakup conversation. We agreed we’d talk later, then I didn’t hear from him for two weeks until I finally reached out. He responded immediately saying:
“Last thing I want is us on bad terms. What does your weekend look like?”

I think what I’m struggling with is that the relationship itself felt calm, loving, safe, and progressively deeper to me, so the breakup felt emotionally inconsistent with the relationship I thought we were having.

From a male perspective:
Does this sound more like someone who got scared once the relationship became emotionally serious? Or someone who simply realized he wasn’t fulfilled long term and struggled to articulate it clearly?

And do you think another conversation is actually likely to bring clarity, or am I probably searching for answers he doesn’t fully have himself?

I (20s F) have been seeing a guy for a while now, and I really really like him. It's going really well, I trust him deeply, and we've reached a point in our relationship where we want to sleep with each other. This is my first time ever (whereas he's had experience) and I straight up don't know what to do. I've heard and read all these stories about how some men are dissatisfied with their partners for not being "active" enough, and I'm wondering how to avoid that. I like him a lot, I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel, I want to make him proud :'( ! Can I get like a crash course on how to make a guy feel appreciated during sex. Thanks!

Is it ok to wanna have a threesome with my boyfriend with another man? He has been talking to me about it and convincing me to try it out for a while now. I've never had one. He keeps telling me he wants to watch another man have sex with me while sucking him, watch me suck another man even watch him suck another man. I told him I'd be afraid him turning gay on me he said never happen. He just likes sucking dick. Sounds weird to me. Im in for experience but kinda nervous.

My last relationship ended because my then boyfriend stated he is not what I need right now; that he needs to get his life together and that he’s not good enough for me at the moment. At the time he was going through legal issues (warrants out for his arrest for things before we ever got together and other legal issues). But I’ve been told that men will do “right” by a girl they genuinely like. I don’t know what to believe.

(23F) I was expressing my interest in deciding to rewait until marriage to someone I know. I am choosing to follow Christ nowadays, and I know this is something that the Bible calls us to do.
My first time wasn’t consensual, but I ended up having plenty of consensual sex afterwards with my first boyfriend.

So far he’s the only man I’ve been with. He cheated on me and we aren’t together, nor do I want him back.
But am I “used” for having been with one man? The person that called me this is encouraging me to have a one night stand and he also brags about “being a hoe” while “having a girlfriend”.

Is it unrealistic for me to want to remake a decision that was taken from me? My mom raised me to wait until marriage but unfortunately my choice wasn’t respected. Will all men decline my wishes? That’s what I was told.

Will a man appreciate me for my values? Do men appreciate preserved women who aren’t virgins? I feel so bad now. Is one body too much??!!

Just curiosity, men usually claim that they put out a wider net when matching on apps and sites, but do the matches ever feel like a let down after such a strategy.

Why do men reroute their entire existence to avoid seeing you instead of just blocking you on messages?

Like genuinely asking. My ex will avoid the areas I’m at, not reply to messages, apparently timing trash runs around my work schedule now (I work at the clinic he takes trashes out everyday) but still keeps me unblocked, and no im not taking it as a sign he still wants to talk im just curious. I looked it up and it says that men find blocking too superficial? But IDK not all men work the same way…

And yes I KNOW “leave him alone,” “move on,” blah blah. I don’t need the lecture. I’m just confused why some guys do olympic level avoidance. It feels like emotional ghost parking.
Ifyou don’t wanna talk to someone anymore wouldn’t blocking be easier than all of this?

Btw this is an ex of 3 years. Not some 6 month relationship breakup

I’m a woman in my late 20s and I’m trying to date intentionally, but I’m worried about how my life situation would come across to men who are looking for something serious.

I’ve only been in one relationship, from my late teens into my early 20s, and I’ve been single for about 6.5 years since then. A big reason I haven’t dated a lot is that I take dating seriously and always have. I don’t do casual dating well, and I’m not someone who opens up easily unless I see real long-term potential. I tend to date with the hope that it could become a lasting, committed relationship.

During college, I very unexpectedly and traumatically lost my father, and it deeply affected my life, emotional stability, and sense of direction. I wasn’t able to finish my degree after that, and I’ve dealt with grief, anxiety, and feeling behind compared to where I thought I’d be by now.

I do work and show up for my responsibilities, but my current job is not where I want to be long-term, and I know it’s not the most impressive career-wise. I’m actively trying to improve my career, finances, and finish up my degree, but I’m not fully where I want to be yet.

I’ve always been comfortable tackling life on my own, but I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t be nice to have someone genuinely in my corner — and to be that person for someone else, too.

I’m not looking for someone to fix me, rescue me, fund me, or be my therapist (I have a real one… lol). I want a healthy relationship while I’m still growing, healing, and building a better life for myself.

I’ve struggled with feeling like I need to wait until I’m more “perfect” before dating, but people in my life have reminded me that most people are works in progress. I’m trying to understand what’s reasonable self-awareness versus unfairly disqualifying myself from a relationship/love.

For men who date seriously: would this make you hesitant, or would it depend more on how the person handles it? Would my lack of relationship experience, long time single, unfinished degree, or current job situation be concerning, understandable, or potentially a positive because I’m self-aware and working on it? What would make this feel like a red flag versus someone worth getting to know?

I want to understand

A big factor in why women need foreplay and men don't, is that a lot of women have issues just letting go.

I met a guy over the weekend at a pregame. We spent the whole day together and he ended up coming back and spending the night at mine. (We didn’t sleep together just made out). The ENTIRE day he was talking aobut taking me out (we set a time and place) and how much his family dog would love me and trips we were going to take. Even when I dropped him off at his apartment the enxt morning, he kissed me goodybe and said he couldnt wait to see where this goes he will call me throughout the week.

Then Monday morning he texts me that I am awesome and he had fun but he does not like my values.

I did not reply. Was this correct? At the time my ego was bruised but now I worry it was not very gracious and I cannot go back now, too awkward.

TLDR: How do I sanely stop my overbearing rich MIL from pressuring my husband to spend money on her?

Setup: Some examples of her overbearing behavior. My mother-in-law started inviting herself and her husband to our house for dinner 1ce every 2 weeks when we got married, in addition to having us at their house 1ce every 2 weeks. I told my husband not to let her but he wants to. After insulting jokes to my cooking a few years back, he makes all the meals. Sometimes she makes backhanded comments about the cleanliness and tidiness of the house. Sometimes she jokes about my husband paying for things for her, like one time it was about him paying for just her and him to go on a trip to some faraway place. When I made a joke about husband having a rate for doing work for them, he told me later that day not to stir the pot. In the past, they made a deal with my husband that if they give him their old good-quality truck, he would give them the $2k proceeds for selling our current truck--all without me in the loop while I was working at a food co-op with 3 young children to help get us out of debt. He swears he'll never make another financial deal with them again. Now, her husband is rapidly aging, and I'm worried that she will pressure husband to spend money on her for lunches and supplies once her husband is dead. They've traveled all over the world and have a $1million net worth. After many conversations about not spending any money on them, on Mother's Day, he paid for her zoo train ticket and her food. Preparing for some future time where I tell him not to spend money on her and telling her "in the act" not to pressure him to dissipate our longterm security for her short-term pleasure is stressing me out. They have support for her husband and he's a very supportive son and I don't have problems with him spending time serving them.

Emotional incest: it sounds like she mainly used him as her emotional support growing up. For the first 10 years of marriage when I had a problem with her, he would excuse her behavior & not ask her to stop/improve because he didnt want to make waves and he "understands her".

Perspectives? Advice? Thank you.