u/SoybeanCola1933

I'm fitter, wealthier, more professionally successful, healthier and far more confident, yet as I've aged dating has become significantly harder.

I've gained more responsibilities, more job stress, and more of a reputation to uphold, while my pool of eligible compatible prospectives has shrunk significantly.

I also feel less inclined to having kids as I age, which seems to put me at odds with most serious women.

I don’t want to be sent down a rabbit hole, but in my limited understanding RedPill is Andrew Tate style self improvement, “women care about status and looks”, be better and women will chase etc. It aims to shifts the dynamic from an egalitarian partnership to one where the man is most controlling.

So RedPill is more about control and using self improvement to achieve that, with assumptions about what women want (status, looks, money etc).

Blackpill is RedPill without the self improvement. E.g everything is predetermined, society sucks, nothing will change your romantic odds other than luck.

Anyone noticing more men shifting from RedPill to BlackPill?

And if so, what’s the solution?

Happily single, and never planning on partnering, but looking to plan my old age.

Everyone I know, from family to family friends, has had a partner or kids who looked after them in old age.

For those who are planning my on remaining indefinitely single and childfree, what are your plans for once you’re in a helpless state?

Modern Muslims continually argue that delaying marriage until you’re settled is good, as you will be more stable and mature.

Allah says in Surah Nur that the young should marry and not fear poverty because he will provide.

This treats marriage as a capstone once you’ve achieved your goals in life - a reward for surviving the peak of adulthood.

However those periods of singlehood in between also open up the door to Zina and p0rn, prevent people developing emotionally and being able to form intimate relationships.

While independent and single, people often become increasingly selective, selfish, avoidant and cynical.

Looking back my biggest regret in life was not finding a spouse in my early-mid 20s. I should have treated finding a spouse as a full time job instead of neglecting something which is actually Wajib.

Now my pool of suitable partners has shrunk, I am becoming too content with my independence and single hood, and the prospectives I encounter are the same. This is against Islam.

We are not Westerners who can casually date before finding our “soulmate” to settle down with. Marrying once you’re stable only works for Non Muslims who can still develop sexually/socially/emotionally with casual relationships.

Basically we say “don’t date, don’t have sex, avoid intimate opposite sex relationships, but also don’t marry until ~30 after college education, a stable career, substantial savings and perfect compatibility.
Then we look around at the diaspora Muslim community and see misery and despair, and wonder why

Psychologically, socially, physically, professionally?

I'm a man.

Psychologically - someone secure with themselves, ambitious, motivated to succeed. I'm put off by laziness, and people who are overdependent on others. I value autonomy and reciprocal emotional support.

Socially - Not a fan of rigid gender roles. I've lived alone for years so don't need someone to cook, clean etc because that's weird getting someone else to do it.

Physically - Not looking for a model, but someone who looks after and cares for their appearance, does exercise and is not overweight. I look after my appearance, exercise daily, dress well, look after my skin and would expect someone who did the same. Don't care about height, ethnicity etc.

Professionally - Not too concerned, so long as she's doing something productive. Could be volunteering, studying or anything else. Whether my wife works after marriage is up to her.

Still, this criteria seems impossible to find....

Been lean bulking, while keeping protein high and progressively overloading.

Waist to Height ratio is still 0.45.

Visible muscle gains have been minimal. Would a more aggressive bulk be more beneficial for maximising muscle gains, despite an increase in fat?

Why?

In public, like at a cafe, people are more receptive and chatty when you’re not by yourself.

For example, if I’m at a cafe with another person, the barista is more likely to joke and chat when I’m with another person.

Been considering Azelaic acid….

Have honestly had minimal success with retinol and niacinimaide creams.

Any input?

I’m a man. I spent a good amount of time on my biography, explaining my goals, my expectations etc. far more than I would on a mainstream app.

These are my observations:

• men substantially outnumber women;
• women still seem to receive far more inbound attention and therefore can screen much more aggressively;
• many men get little traction;
• ghosting, slow replies, flaking and abrupt disengagement are still routine.
• Like Tinder, photos that showed my skin and physique got more Likes

This particular app allowed you to see which profiles visited your page, if you pay for membership. The ghosting may have been slightly less, but the convos died out more quickly.

Funny enough but I received more likes and ongoing conversations on Free Tinder than I did while paying for this marriage app, but that may be due to a smaller pool.

I found the app dynamic to be no different to casual dating apps, despite the supposed marriage intention.

Because it’s a conservative Muslim app, women would not be willing to go on dates, and it was expected family involvement would follow a good conversation - but no conversations ever went that way.

Women on Tinder existed along a wide spectrum - despite the stereotype of Tinder being a hookup app, there are plenty of women looking for long term relationships and settling down

Muslims in the West are deeply conservative and don’t believe in free mixing, but it seems in the MENA people are more rational and tolerant about things like this.

I’m a man who’s extremely introverted and dislikes most peoples company.

My ideal day I spending a few hours at a cafe reading, then cooking a nice meal at home and enjoying it by myself. This is bliss.

No one disturbing me, no noise, just peace.

I am extremely selective in the friends I make, I keep most people, including my family beyond arms reach, deliberately only keeping 4-5 good friends whom I’ve been friends with for over 15 years.

The overwhelming majority of people (men and women) drain me socially and emotionally, and it takes me a very long time to honestly feel comfortable and enjoy other people’s company.

Then combine attraction, lifestyle, religious practice and other forms of alignment… the likelihood of finding someone is statistically tiny.

Any other guys in this boat?

I feel my personality just isn’t aligned to marriage…

I grew up with a single mom, was babysat by my grandma, no male role models.

I internalised the idea women can be dominant and authoritarian, and a male is an unnecessary addition to a woman’s life, so you need to be near-perfect because you’re a disposable.

This mindset has absolutely impacted how I approach relationships, and online discourse absolutely feeds it.

Not as cope for your romantic failings, but would you say being single has allowed you to focus more on your exams, work, studies and fellowship?

Around ~30 years old, I'm noticing the overwhelming majority of doctors are in long term partnerships, and I get the feeling this impacts their ability to prepare for exams, work long hours, attend conferences, do research etc, especially if they have young kids.

Would you also say this focus on work-life balance (highly beneficial to families) is shifting competition form traditionally competitive fields (Cardio, Gastro, surgery, anaesthesia) to more lifestyle fields (psych, path)?

I’d say every relationship in my family has stopped being a loving relationship fairly quickly and been more of a functional one where people just stay together out of habit or fear of change.

Seems like a pretty lousy deal if you ask me.

Any advice?

I love solitude and am drained by people.

I love being preoccupied with my thoughts, a having a good dinner to complement

Anyone been to a singles event before? They seem aplenty. Most folks are around 30-40.

I’d imagine they’re pretty bad. Most men will be waffling around randomly, trying to cheat pump and impress as many women as possible. The pretty women get overwhelmed.

Seems like they’d be extremely competitive and performative events. Is that right?

It’s assumed that men are actively seeking out women, and if you’re single it’s because you can’t find anyone, or are defective in some way (immature, awkward, unattractive).

In contrast a single woman is seen as independent, because society expects her to be pursued. Her single-hood is a result of rejecting men’s advances.

A man saying “I genuinely prefer being single” will still get responses like, "This is copium", "you just haven’t found anyone", or "you’ll change your mind".

For example, when my GenX boss learned I was single, he looked at me as if I was the Devil.

So… for men who’ve opted out for whatever reason, do you feel your decision is seen as empowering or as a deficiency?

A lot of time people look down on people who marry abroad - usually the man, if he marries a woman from overseas.

The woman is seen as a gold digger, or an opportunist.

This is unfair.

People are attracted to different things. It’s perfectly fine for people to be more attracted to people in certain occupations, from certain backgrounds, height, appearances or financial status.

So long as the person isn’t getting married solely for the passport, I see nothing wrong between the arrangement between two consenting adults

How often, and how are you getting them?

Online is unreliable and a hit and miss, while real world is non-existent.

Change my view.

I missed my window in my mid to late twenties, arguably the best time to marry as a Muslim.

I’ve lived alone most of my adult life and as I age, the more happy and comfortable I become with solitude. For context, I am an introvert and genuinely love being alone.

There are drawbacks to this as a man- no intimacy, no deep connection and going against the Sunnah - marriage is actually Wajib to some.

But, no one depends on me, I focus on my career, friends, travel, I am only responsible for myself, I don’t need to worry about an extra person, I can change jobs and move cities at will.

I also have no deep urge to have kids.

At the same time, being so comfortable alone, I cannot see another person coming into my life to enrich it, unless I had a sudden urge to have a kid, and saw this person as a reliable mother to my kid.

I believe many men and women feel the same way. When solitude is so comfortable, bringing another person will inevitably make your life more difficult unless you want a kid.

It’s a blunt truth but I believe it’s true. A lot of people in my life, female cousins, ended up settling in their late 30s solely to have a kid. As a guy, I genuinely understand this.

It also explains why, in apps, we tend to be most popular with women in this age group.