r/dating

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I’m 27M, and I feel like my past love life has messed up the way I see relationships, love, and maybe even myself as a person.

I’ve had four relationships in my life. The first lasted 5 years, the second 2 years, the third 3.5 years, and I’m currently in my fourth relationship, which has been going on for a couple of months.

With every relationship that passes, I feel more and more like it’s pointless to believe that there is some “right person” out there for me. I feel like I’ve lost that special feeling I used to have — the feeling that this person is different, that this time it means something deeper.

Between relationships, I also dated other women and had a few situationships. I think the way I approached dating may have ruined my perspective. I always treated sex and intimacy as something pretty casual, and I had that kind of connection with most women I was attracted to. I’m also a very open person, so I tend to share personal things quickly and build emotional intimacy fast.

But now, nothing feels special anymore.

Even the things that are supposed to feel meaningful in a relationship don’t really affect me the way they should. Meeting the parents, getting to know friends, planning romantic evenings, going on trips, doing all the “relationship things” — I’ve gone through these steps so many times that now it feels like I’m just doing them on autopilot.

In my current relationship, I feel like I’m doing everything a boyfriend is “supposed” to do, but mostly because I feel obligated to. I care about her, and she really doesn’t deserve someone who feels this emotionally disconnected. But deep down, I’m scared that part of the reason I stay is because I’m afraid of being alone.

I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me. Maybe I’m emotionally burned out. Maybe I’ve confused intimacy with routine. Maybe I’ve repeated the same patterns so often that I don’t know what love is supposed to feel like anymore.

I know the obvious answer is therapy, and I am already in therapy. I’ve brought this up with my therapist a few times. I guess I’m just writing this because I want to know whether anyone else has felt something similar — like relationships started to lose meaning after too many repeated experiences, and you started wondering whether the problem is you.

I love my boyfriend, but I don’t feel excited about our future

I’m struggling because my boyfriend is genuinely such a good man. I adore him. He’s stable, loving, loyal, has a good job, treats me well, makes me laugh, and honestly has so many qualities that would make him a great husband someday.

But something still feels… missing.

I’m a very ambitious person. I love adventure, traveling, trying new things, building a future, dreaming big, and experiencing life fully. He’s more content staying home, playing video games, and keeping life simple. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I keep worrying we’re fundamentally different people.

The hardest part is there’s no toxicity. No chaos. No major red flags. He gives me everything I should want. But I don’t feel excited about our future together the way I think I’m supposed to. Honestly, throughout most of our relationship, I’ve thought more about breaking up than staying, and that makes me feel incredibly guilty because I do love him.

I also have ADHD, so when I’m busy I can unintentionally go hours without texting or thinking about anyone much at all — it’s very “out of sight, out of mind.” Meanwhile he’s very steady and consistent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mistaking stability for lack of spark, or if deep down I know we’re incompatible long term.

I’m about to move and go back to school for a year, and it’s making me think even harder about what I actually want my future to look like.

Has anyone else deeply loved someone but still felt like they weren’t your person?

And to clarify, I don’t think this is just me chasing a ‘spark’ or unrealistic excitement. I think I’m trying to understand what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like because I never really had a good example growing up.

What’s exhausting is feeling like I carry the entire emotional effort of the relationship. For almost two years, I’ve been the one planning everything, initiating special moments, talking about the future, organizing trips, and trying to make us feel connected.

He’s never bought me a birthday gift, and I’ve had to beg for effort on Valentine’s Day or Christmas. It’s not even about money or material things — he makes good money. It’s about feeling thought about without having to ask. Feeling cherished without having to beg for it.

I love him deeply, which is why this hurts so much. I just genuinely can’t tell if I’m expecting too much, or if I’ve been settling for feeling emotionally unappreciated because I convinced myself stability was enough.

Updated: i don’t want to paint anyone like the villain i know that he’s at his capacity of how he shows love with me i just feel like I’m only at 25% for mine and he gets weird when i do more and I’m just tired of the same thing he is an amazing guy but we have very different ways of handling life I’m over here at 21 with 2 businesses and starting another one soon and about to go to hardcore college for a year and he’s content staying at home and playing video games and that’s all he wants in his life which isn’t a problem but i feel like we clash I’m not trying to make anyone a villain im just trying to get some advice.

One of my deal breakers is that I won't date a woman who is currently having casual sex. Whether it's with ons or fwb or whatever.

Some people have judged me for it, but whatever. I'm pretty upfront with this btw, so it's not like I mention it years after.

Anyways, I dates this one woman for a couple of months, and things were going well. She knew of my deal breaker because I told her. Later on, I found out she was hooking up with her friend. So I obviously broke things off.

Her reaction? She thought it wasn't a big deal and what we had built together so far was amazing and I shouldn't let something like that get in the way.

Fuck... that.....

As someone who has been both skinny and muscular I’ve never noticed any difference in the amount of attention or ease of dating after gaining muscle. Unless you are extremely malnourished it won’t help much. Most women just date guys in their social circle that they get along with. They don’t even notice or pay attention to buff dudes.

No guy struggles to date because of lack of muscle. Plus whatever is causing him to struggle will still be there after getting jacked. You are better off finding a good friend group/social circle or going to therapy.

So here is the story of my last 4 „first dates” via Bumble in last 2 weeks:

1. I booked a table at a restaurant, gave her a flower, took her coat, pulled out a chair for her, paid the bill etc.
2. SAME!
3. SAME!
4. I didn’t care. Coffee date, low effort conversation

Effect?

1. Ghosted
2. Ghosted
3. Ghosted
4. She text me first and want to see me again.

All of them had fun, loved the flowers (1-3) laughed and send me positive message after a date. However the difference is on the next day.

After 3 dates of making futile efforts I honestly didn’t care anymore. And it seems to work better. Maybe this is also about feeling more relaxed, who knows. Just wanted to share this crazy journey

It’s starting to feel like men just want to be in a relationship. Doesn’t matter with who, they just want a relationship. I may feel special right now, but if we break up, he would find another in about a month or so. And this seems to be a pattern. And I also don’t even think I date bad guys. What’s up with that? Is this a universal experience or is it just me or what. I’m in nyc not sure if that has anything to do.

It bothers me because I make conscious choices and try to have a true connection with anybody I spend my time with. Is it possible men don’t care about true connection as long as they have a girl?

Feels really weird and I honestly don’t get it. The women that do this to my awareness are promiscuous… wait, does that mean that most men are promiscuous by nature? I’m so confused! They don’t have self respect or restraint or any desire to do that ? Or only be with someone they truly match with or find special? Just a girl… any girl?

This might make me sound shallow and I don’t care anymore. I am 30F and I never really had a type and I never solely dated based in looks. But as I got older I started taking better care of myself and well I am hot and I want someone in my league looks wise. Of course I want them to share my important traits like loyalty, trust, mutual respect, empathy, ambition, self sufficient etc.

I also started reverting back to more traditional men. I love a gentleman and I do want to find my life partner and do everything with. But I am no longer settling for men who are not in my league looks wise. I worked so hard on myself and I am not finished. Why should I accept less? I did that and I regretted it. I never cared about what type of job or career a man had as long as he can take care of me. Frankly I prefer men in blue collar jobs. But anyway that is my rant.

Hi! So for the context im 24 and dated overall three guys. I‘ve noticed a pattern in dating and it keeps repeating with every guy I get emotionally involved with.

At first I genuinely like them and get excited. But after some time, I start noticing incompatibilities, lose certainty, or simply feel less into it. The problem is — once I get to that stage, it becomes extremely hard for me to end things myself.

What’s even worse is this: when I start pulling away and then notice them pulling away too, I suddenly panic and want the connection back. Even if just days before I was thinking “maybe this should end.”

It happened with all 3 men I dated.

With the first guy, I realized after 1–2 months that we weren’t a good match. I thought about ending it many times, but stayed because he was my first man and I wanted it to work. In the end he was the one who ended things, and it destroyed my self-esteem even though I had wanted out myself.

With the second guy, I liked him much more, but I still kept hesitating instead of trusting my feelings when I started noticing major incompatibilities. I only managed to break it off after he did something really inappropriate and I reacted emotionally in the moment. Then for months I kept questioning myself: “Did I make a mistake? Maybe I loved him more than I thought? Maybe I’ve should stay?“. And now thinking that he moved on and has no feelings left for me also hurts me a lot.

And now it’s happening again with a third guy. We met on vacation, had amazing dates, just kissed few times, and I was really into him at first. But after I came home, things became inconsistent. Recently he started talking about planning a trip together, but honestly I already feel my enthusiasm fading. I don’t think this will realistically become anything serious, and I’ve started noticing personality traits that don’t sit right with me.

A few days ago we barely texted and I actually felt relieved. But then again I panicked with like „what if he’s losing interest too?” And immediately I wanted his attention (is that attention seeking or am I afraid I’m not good enough?) again and texted him first.

I really don’t feel that’s I’m just simply wanting attention, cause when I’m without relationships I don’t search for them and don’t need men’s attention. its not like i always need some men texting me, I’m not like that and I genuinely like them all a lot in the beginning, day dream about them etc. I really don’t want to be read as this superficial girl that is using man for their attention, I’m not. I’m genually liking them a lot and afraid.

this also doesn’t happen with men I’ve only went on 2-3 dates with, then I can easily end things. But when we’ve been dating for 2-3 months or we kissed already for example (with third guy I’ve only had few dates but we kissed and it was intense), I just can’t, I’m afraid so much and it’s such a mix of emotions, I cannot really understand why I do feel this way.

I think the core issue might be that I need men to choose me in order to feel valuable. So even when I’m unsure about them, if they treat me well and are good people, I struggle to leave. I think I’m also deeply afraid of rejection and abandonment, while at the same time being unable to reject someone myself.

Another thing is that I have this irrational feeling that opportunities for love are “limited.” Every time I meet someone, part of me thinks: “What if this is my last chance?” Even though logically I know that’s probably not true. And even though it wasn’t true already twice, this doesn’t help.

What exhausts me most is this cycle:
I lose certainty → I create distance → they also become distant → I panic and try to reconnect instead of ending things as initially wanted.

I don’t know if it’s sort of self esteem problem, since I do have hight standards and chose men that treat me great, but still afraid to be not chosen?

Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this attachment issues, fear of rejection, low self-esteem… or something else? How can I work with that? I’m also considering going to therapist, but I’m limited in budget and think I only can afford 6-8 visits and want to do something self reflection first

I am 38 male and i have not dated in a very long time. I have stopped counting how many years its been, and honestly, i do not want to think back to that time.

My previous relationship was very abusive and ended with my ex cheating on me on Valentines day with a guy she met at a tram a week prior. She basically got a kick out of telling me about the guys she met, what she found sexy about them, what i lacked compared to them, flirting with other guys in front of me etc.

Two years of emotional abuse, which i have internalized after the breakup have basically destroyed my self-esteem completely, and triggered a form of body dysmorphia.

Now i am lonely. I want to find somebody to share life with. But i am terrified that i will never be good enough to build a lasting relationship with any woman. And i am also terrified that if i try and it does not work out (and it probably will not), it will only further reinforce my already very negative self-image and make my dysmorphia worse.

I can not stand having my picture taken or looking at myself in the mirror.

At the same time, i dont want to spend the rest of my life alone. I dont want to be one of those people that die alone in their apartment and decompose for two years because there is nobody that misses them.

I (24M) have been single all my life. I had a few dates when I was in college but nothing ever really went anywhere other than a single hook-up. I was pretty isolated growing up and I've always found myself fitting in with the "nerd" crowd (as in playing video games and board games, liking indie movies, anime, going to alt concerts, in STEM, etc). Though I used to be unhealthy looking, I would say I'm fairly attractive now. I work as a software engineer in a big city, go out with friends several times a week, do a bunch of outdoorsy stuff, go to the gym, eat healthy, etc. But honestly I've never gotten close to a relationship.

I have been using dating apps for several weeks and it's just a depressing experience. There are a handful of nerdy girls who are pretty cute but I don't match with them. I get the impression that there are literally hundreds of men lining up to ask these girls out.

Maybe I'm particularly picky for wanting a nerdy woman but honestly I've never found myself getting along with anyone else. The dates I've gotten along well with were nerds and all of my biggest unrequited crushes were also nerds. Maybe it's weird to make it a part of my identity but these are the people I like to be around and who I truly feel myself with.

So is my luck just awful or are my type of women really just this rare?

Is anyone else annoyed with this one? It's like yes, of course I want to find a partner whom I can laugh with, but this feels like "Make me laugh clown, do it!" Why not Looking for someone who I can laugh with, similar sense of humor, etc? That would be so much better

I’ve dated around and had flings, but more recently I’ve been celibate and taking a break from dating for about 10 months. After a connection with a guy I was seeing got super toxic, my confidence was ruined and I knew I had become someone I didn’t recognize.

I didn’t lose my virginity until 23 also. Men would approach me, but I was so shy/awkward up until 23 that I couldn’t even hold a convo with a man. I worked on myself in my early 20s in therapy, went to uni, moved around, so a relationship wasn’t a priority. But I do feel like at this point, there must be other reasons for a relationship not happening.

Most men I’ve dated I don’t think actually aligned with my personality at all. I also felt pressured to have casual sex, and get good at it, because I wanted to explore, but also because it seemed like in order to “compete” with other women I felt I had to prove myself in the bedroom. Most of the sex I’ve had was not with anyone who truly cared about me, though a couple were real friends/connections. I get attention for my appearance, but I always feel like they’re disappointed by my personality in some way. I’m recently diagnosed with adhd, which I think contributes

Idk how to bring up to men I date that I’ve never had a bf and be comfortable with that fact. I feel pressure and judgement from my family about it as well, and it makes it feel worse. Like because of my age I’ve already missed out on having that early relationship experience. I’m also constantly worried that I just don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone - I don’t want them to feel as if they have to teach me. I never wanted to settle. I saw a lot of messy relationships growing up, and now I think I subconsciously feel safer alone. The dynamics I saw were always a critical man, and a woman that would bend over backwards for him no matter what. That’s not what I ever felt like love was. In my family, I never felt loved in a way that I needed.

How do I tell people I’ve never had a bf? How do I navigate dating with little real experience? Is it over for me? I think I want kids eventually, but finances, the right partner, and the right circumstances would have to line up for me.

I know this is a stupid question. But I recently heard of a story on here where a girl was dating a guy and she would never let him see her naked. So for his bday his friends for him Meta glasses so he could record her. Which he did end up doing while they were having sex. And that just terrified me. Now. I’ve agreed to do sex shots for me and a guys personal chat. But like I don’t think I’d ever do it again aftwr what he put me through. And then to think about possibly having someone who videos me without consent during those moments just terrified me. Like it wouldn’t be too much of an issue cause I like missionary and I could see if he’d be wearing the glasses but like he could still put the glasses on the side table pointing towards us so he can film.

Idk. I just don’t think I’d ever date a guy who used any sort of smart glasses. I know that’s a stupid standard but like I don’t want my naked body on someone computer without my knowledge.

Matched with this guy on Hinge.. immediately made plans to go on a date. I even double checked to make sure time and location was good for him as I get off later. And not even 5 minutes later, unmatched, blocked phone number, blocked sc.

This is all after being complimented, being told how hot and beautiful I am etc (yes he was gassing me up).

We even kinda talked beforehand of what we wanted. I told him I’m not looking to jump into something immediately as I’d like to get to know them first to see if we click. He was the same.

Ughhhhh I’m tired of this grandpa

Edit: Wow does dating suck. I am really bummed to hear some of yalls stories. And thank you for sharing.
Just know, they probably can’t handle yalls fine asses 😉

And another update, he tried texting me apologizing. No I didn’t respond. I just deleted the message.
He can’t handle this absolute BADONK I’m building at the gym…. I telling myself 😂

hi i’m 22 years old and i am a virgin and im looking for that to change. i want to have sex but dont know where to go or find someone to have sex with.

some people are so weird about the virgin thing too, i dont care about it. it’s not that “special” to me ive only not ever had sex just because its never gotten there in past relationships.

no i dont get attached , i dont care about it being special i just want sex that will be fwb.

i dont have any friends or talk to anyone so its not that easy to just casually text someone and flirt and then lead up to that.

i am 22, 5’0 , weigh 100 lbs, pretty fit, i am mixed,

for anyone interested of course we’ll be in contact more but i am looking for sex

and before people comment , i dont need a lesson on safely or respect. i know sex safety, and not just meeting some random creep. i know how to pick if i decide.

i just want sex. i have no idea where to find it. it’s not like i can just randomly go up to people and ask for it.

I don’t see any way to fix this. I’m a chronically single 34 year old man. I have never had much if any success with dating. The meetup groups I go to are all men. The advice “put yourself out there” is old stuff and doesn’t work. Dating apps are the only way. Even the female dominated hobbies skew older or most people are taken. It makes me wish I had actually gone to school in person for college and took socializing seriously, now that I’m past that I have a wall of regret. Since most of the good women (presumably) are married now or in relationships, there just aren’t many options left. I met one single woman, ONE, who wasn’t taken and she doesn’t seem interested. That always happens and then it takes a year if not more for another single lady to pop up, and the same thing usually happens again.

I don’t know at this point. I think I’m going to have to continue to be used to the fact I’ll be alone for a very long time. There doesn’t seem to be a good way to change it without some kind of miracle happening.

Hey I’m not here to have any debate over issues just get some guidance on how to go about this. I 23m am a more conservative guy but I’m totally fine with dating moderate or conservative women. I’ve dated a liberal and it wasn’t compatible. For religion I believe in Jesus Christ but I didn’t grow up in the faith. I don’t attend church or read the bible frequently. I have had premarital sex, struggle with porn addiction, etc.

I say all this to give you my background. I dream of being a husband and father. I do desire sex and intimacy and have discovered a lot of the women who are into me want to wait till marriage and I’ve rejected them. Part of me wonders if I’m simply making a mistake with that. Another part of me feels I won’t be happy based on past dating experiences with waiting. Any advice on how to navigate this or give me hope that I can find a successful relationship. I yearn for love and affection. I’m trying to be the best man I can be. I appreciate all advice and feedback.

My coworker (34m) has been very open about liking me (25f) these past few months. Ever since he told me, I can’t stop observing him and analyzing his behavior.

On paper, we match perfectly. Our personalities match, we have the same beliefs about certain things, he stimulates me intellectually, and we’ve had some deep conversation, so I know how he thinks (which I really like).

BUT I’m not really physically attracted to him. He’s actually a conventionally attractive guy (tall, dark features, has a very deep sexy voice, a beard—literally what I like in a guy), yet I can’t seem to understand why I‘m only mentally attracted to him and not physically.

Long-term, I know he’d make a fantastic husband and a father. He’s very honest with his feelings and is emotionally available which is a rarity these days. Do I push through this weird phase and hope the physical attraction will come later or stop feeding this connection?

I also think it’s worth to note that I did have a very brief crush on him when we started working together (last yea), but it disappeared randomly for some reason.

For example, if you don’t want to have sex before marriage, then it isn’t a moral failing if someone does want to. It just means you’re incompatible.

If you don’t want to be with someone who is friends with one or more exes, then it isn’t a moral failing if someone is friends with at least one ex. It just means you’re incompatible.

I don’t know why people make things about more than they are when it comes to dating. There isn’t anything wrong with anyone in this context. We aren’t talking about murder or anything really serious. It’s just how someone wants to love and socialize. If someone doesn’t want to love and socialize the way you want to, that’s fine. No big deal. Find someone who does want what you want, and let them find someone who wants what they want. Neither of you have anything wrong with you.

I (31f) went out last night with this guy Ive basically grown up with (31m). We recently ran into each other, caught up for a minute, and exchanged numbers. We’d been texting a little over a week and decided to finally make plans. I was getting excited because I thought there was real potential, considering I’d known him a long time and our families are close. Well we went out and (I was a bundle of nerves) the chemistry wasn’t there like I thought, and I somewhat found myself bored at times? I think he did too. Where I’m proud I put myself out there, I can’t help but be disappointed and a little upset. Although I am open to hangout again considering it was a first meeting and I think the nerves took over and made it a little less enjoyable. (It’d been a while since I’d been on a date). I was also embarrassed because I don’t think I conversated as well as I know I can. I don’t know if we will hangout again at least in a date setting. How do I get over the disappointment? Or how my excitement one day completely is changed from the next? I’m taking it so personally and I’m trying to see it objectively. TIA!