r/dating

Women only responses please...

I'm not necessarily complaining, although functionally the age gap is way too big, but I'm curious, why do some of you flirt with and go out with much older men?

Are you building your confidence, testing to see if attractive older men also find you attractive, or have you completely given up on men anywhere near your age!? :-)

I'm amazed and befuddled all at the same time! :-)

Please no responses from men, or knee jerk reactions like fancy dinners, expensive cars, money or daddy issues.

I'm looking for first person actual experienced this deeper insight.

Question here for Women - how often do you get asked out? Do you have a specific number, like times per month, or a guess on total amount of times? And do you ever ask any males out yourself?

I am a 32 M, and am learning over the past few years how as I try to get more into dating how rare I feel like it is for women to get ask out men, yet even an average looking woman I am assuming gets bothered with the amount of times they are asked. Sometimes it makes me feel bad for trying to hit on a woman if I get rejected, like "ahhh I bet you get this all the time and kind of sick of it". I sometimes imagine it can be more-times so annoying than flattering.

I’m genuinely curious if anyone else has noticed this because I swear men nowadays will do everything except actually make the first move
They’ll look at you, find excuses to be around you, try to get your attention, maybe flirt a little but actually come up to you, start a conversation, ask for your number, or make their intentions clear? Nope.
I have a perfect example from work. There’s this guy who apparently has been showing interest in me for a while, but I honestly didn’t even notice at first. My coworkers were actually the ones who pointed it out and were like, “Girl, this guy is clearly interested in you.” Once they mentioned it, I started noticing all the little things. He’d park his car next to mine, walk around my office, and act like he was looking for someone or had some reason to be there when it was pretty obvious he came by to see me. It got to the point where other people noticed his behavior before I did .And before anyone says women can make the first move too, I know. Some women have absolutely no problem doing that. But I’m old school when it comes to this. I’ve always believed that if a man is genuinely interested, he’ll approach you and make the first move. The funny thing is, once I realized he might actually be interested, I gave him signs that it was okay to approach me. I wasn’t being cold or avoiding him. I basically gave him the green light without walking up to him myself " like trying to open a conversation whenever we are in elevator, saying good morning, smiling , giving flirty eye contacts". And guess what ! Nothing happened!!!! Sir what else do you need? A written invitation?!
So now I’m genuinely curious. Is it fear of rejection? Are men worried about coming across as creepy? Or are we sometimes interpreting these little behaviors as interest when the guy actually isn’t interested enough to do anything about it? Men especially: if you’re attracted to a woman in real life and she’s giving you signs that she’s open to you approaching her, what would still stop you from making the first move?

P.S : the guy works in HR department 👀

I am not talking about planning or leading dates. But just regular communication to get know each other. Does it bother you if she never or hardly initiates calls/texts at the beginning? I feel like if I am usually the one to reach out to her it starts to feel like I am bothering her and she isn't much interested.

Why does it feel like women today don’t want anything involving me I’ve had plenty of girlfriends I’ve tried hard I was even engaged once but I either get cheated on or broken up with before anything really builds I don’t think I’m a bad person or unloveable it just feels like for some reason love goes so fast for my partners and I swear I do everything right why do I feel not good enough?

Been dating this guy with the intention of a ltr since end of May (so about 3 months). We got serious pretty quickly with him wanting to close his dating profile after second date.

I like a lot of things about him: family oriented, career oriented, smart, helpful, sexually compatible.

But he has a giant problem of going MIA for 12-48 hours of no communication while at the same time he is active on social media.

I’ve brought this up to him that it makes me anxious when I don’t hear back for hours/days when you’re clearly online and on your phone. He says this is his ADHD and he truly forgets as he can be doomscrolling for hours, but did say it was abnormal and will work on it.

I just ask that if he’s expecting to be busy for a whole day or so just to kindly tell me that he will. I’m pretty understanding. However even after mutually agreeing to work on it, he’s continuously done it. He’ll go MIA and will continue convo as if nothing has happened.

I don’t think what I’m asking for is unreasonable and he seems to agree but I don’t wanna feel like enforcing this or policing. I’ve had this conversation with him 3 times already and I don’t know what else to do.

Is this worth being more flexible/maybe it’s my attachment style? Is this reasonable to ask for? Is he actually that incapable or just unwilling ? I can work with incapable but unwilling I cannot. Any advice is appreciated!

Hi all. Just a small update and vent post for the 10 people who commented on my post a week or so ago about whether or not I should ask a friend out before she moves away.

I thought about it for days, and ultimately decided to ask one morning bored at work. I tried to keep it simple but honest, along the lines of "hey I've been thinking about you, are you free some time next week? I'd like to take you out on a date."

The result? She said she was flattered, but that she doesn't really like dating. I've been fed enough dating content on social media to assume that this is essentially a rejection. I was/am a little sad, but I wanted to leave it light-hearted and said that if she changes her mind to let me know (in the rare case that it isn't an actual rejection). I don't think I want to pry further either as I'm not trying to seem/be desperate (I'm genuinely not). I still want to stay friends - I just wanted to see if there was anything more to it. I guess I misread some things, and I think I've grown enough to admit and accept that.

Asking someone out in real life is tough. All things considered, though, it's not as bad as I thought. I'm hoping that the next couple days of emotional pain and closure will be a lot better than thinking "what if" for even longer. Thanks for listening.

This is just something I’ve noticed over the years, and I could be completely off base since I’m obviously working with a sample size of one.

I’m a straight guy in my mid 40s, and I’ve realized that a surprising amount of the positive feedback I’ve gotten about my appearance has actually come from other men. Guys can be pretty direct about it too, complimenting another guy’s hair, build, height, beard, facial features, or just straight up saying he’s a good looking dude. It reminds me of the funny paradox where a guy gets built in the gym only to end up getting compliments only from other men.

My experiences with women have been a lot more mixed, and at times almost the complete opposite. 😂 I’m not saying that as a complaint or suggesting women should find me attractive. If anything, that difference is what got me thinking about this in the first place.

I wonder if there’s a difference between the traits men tend to admire in other men and the traits women tend to find attractive. Maybe a guy can look at another guy and think, “Yeah, that dude is good looking,” while that same guy doesn’t necessarily do much for a lot of women.

Obviously attraction is incredibly individual, and I’m sure there’s a ton of overlap too. This is more of a random observation than a hill I’m prepared to die on. Curious if anyone else has noticed something similar?

Long story…. I went out with a girl in December and we went out twice. First time I thought it went great, I took her to see some lights/coffee and I taught her how to dance before the end of the date. Later I planned a 2nd date because she said dancing was new to her. She had ended up canceling on me, and I thought that was it. But we talked a bit and she was telling me how she’s never been in a relationship. She’s 22 for reference. Anyway later she had asked me if I was still wanting to go out with her.

I thought about doing something she would enjoy, so we did rollerskating. I hadn’t gone in like 6+ yrs so I was pretty rusty at it. She was very good at it, and the convos were a lot more awkward up to it. I didn’t know what to do, it felt like she was very nervous and I to be honest I was as well.

She stopped talking to me after the date. I told her we should call and she had told me she gets nervous opening up and getting comfortable with people. I asked if she was not interested and she said yes. So I said my farewell and left it at that.

Present day: she would like or comment on my stories and I’d just like it back. I was then placed on her close friends story and posts. I ignored it. Then later I saw a post of her on her story and commented and we flirted some, I had talked about “seeing” each other again after I finish Nursing school. She agreed happily and we kept talking and really just acted like friends with flirtatious stuff. I took out to dinner on Monday evening and i got her a potted succulent with pink flowers. (I was going for a singular flower, but couldn’t find any and I thought she’d like the plant). We had dinner and we caught up and she opened up to me about her life as did I.

Towards the end of the date she offered to split the check, I said no worries I got it. We walked out to the car and she was walking behind me and slowed down heading towards the passenger side of her car, I was pretty nervous so I hugged her and we went off on our way.

I just don’t know what to do now. I texted her that I enjoyed our time she did too, we talked a little bit and that’s that. I still have one semester left of nursing school, I finish this fall and she plans to move out of her parents place to get her own.

I’d like some input/feedback on what I should do.

I know this for fact, if she gave me obvious signs that she was interested I’d pursue her, I just don’t want to look like an idiot. (I’ve only been in two relationships, my longest lasting just under two years). I’m honestly also just a bit afraid/nervous.

I decide 2 months ago to start going to therapy since I believe that I have some communication issues and high anxiety attacks that I need to work on. I have been doing really well with it so far but my only fear is trying to go back into the dating world while still in therapy. I dont repeat bad habits and revert back to my old ways. Should I just stick through therapy for the time being or can I do both?

I found this piece of “advice” on another Reddit sub, and almost couldn’t believe it. The original post was all about how dating needs to be a two way street, and both parties need to be brave if you want to get anywhere. I was shocked by how many people believe that men should be entirely responsible for pursuing someone, getting them to like them, and eventually going out with them.

Personally speaking, I’m not afraid of asking someone out (as long as I feel like I’m getting genuine signs that they are interested). The issue is that most often, we (men) don’t get any clear signs. It’s hard to make any progress if you feel like you’re getting signals of apathy and disinterest.

I fully believe that dating needs to be a two way street. Do women need to ask men out all of the time? Of course not. But I’ve learned better than anyone that taking no initiative at all gets you nowhere.

Don’t mention them in passing after a while talking, and being like “oh, I thought I mentioned that.” Then being like “I’m different.”

🗣️ Don’t omit it on your dating profile (!!!!!)

It’s not like forgetting to mention you hate the color yellow or dislike tacos. Having children is a pretty significant, life-affecting thing. Be explicit that you have children - ESPECIALLY IF THE OTHER PERSON IS EXPLICIT THAT THEY DON’T HAVE/WANT KIDS IN THEIR PROFILE. And it had been brought up multiple times that they did not want children and identified as child free.

You’re a parent, that’s great. I love that for you. But come on 😩 I’m normally so careful to screen parents out when I’m trying to meet people, and this one slipped by me. I feel stupid, hurt, and angry. They were honestly really cool, had they been up front about having kids I may have considered and tried for a friendship at the very least, but I would have been upfront that I wasn’t interested in more than that and it likely wouldn’t have been a waste of time for either of us.

For the record - I do not hate children. I think they’re great. I’ve just been a caregiver in one capacity or another since I was 18, I’m now 34 and my caregiving is not done (I care for my mother). When it’s my time to live my life I want it to be peaceful and either alone or with a partner. Friends and their kids, wonderful (I take my aunt role seriously). But I just wish people thought about why someone is childfree before being so vague and essentially lying by omission. Thought about it, respected it, and didn’t waste their time.

Vent/rant over. Y’all can tear me up idc.

I’m a 26yo woman and I was raised in a more conservative environment and I dated mostly South Asian guys. I’m still a virgin and I don’t have that much dating experience. I’m not religious or anything, it’s just the way I am, I’m more in the shy and quiet side.

I started dating a 37yo from Brazil recently. He’s a good friend of my friend’s husband and we met each other in their wedding. He confessed to my friend’s husband that he liked me and asked him if I was single. In the beginning, he was shy to approach me (probably fear of getting rejected). Few weeks ago, he invited me to his birthday party and got drunk and kissed me.

I want a serious relationship which could lead to marriage. I was seeing someone of my age before but this person was so inconsistent and lied about his intentions so I was hoping that dating a 11 years older man would be better. I’m confused because he’s very different of the men I dated previously. He’s very sweet and asked me what I was looking for in a relationship but there’s some signs that I’d consider he’s not that serious about me:

• He tried to have sex in our first meeting. He invites me to his house expecting sex and doesn’t talk much to me, it’s mostly making out. However, when he invites me to daytime dates, we talk to each other, including past relationships and family.

• He doesn’t text me much. He only messages once a day to ask about my day or to plan another date and sometimes no message for 1 day.

• His texting decreased this week but we started seeing each other in person more. Now we see each other twice a week instead of only once so I don’t know if it’s a bad sign.

• Last time we saw each other, he tried to have sex without protection. Isn’t he afraid of STD’s or pregnancy?

I’m a bit confused and I’d like some advice. I asked my Brazilian friend for advice and she said having sex in the first date is totally normal in Brazilian culture.

I (29F) met a guy (28M) on Tinder about a month ago. We had good chemistry and both agreed we’re not looking for a relationship, just some fun.

We went on a late-night cinema date and had a great time (lots of kissing/being handsy). We’ve continued talking since, with plenty of flirting, sexual chat and humour. But we haven’t met again in almost a month. He “forgot” about a plan to meet we made a couple weeks ago and says he’s been working late, so can’t meet yet, but “intends” to soon. His replies range from instant to 24+ hours, while he continues sending sexual voice notes about how horny he is/things he’d do to me, without actually making plans.

I enjoy talking to him and would happily be friends, but he insisted he wants to meet/have an arrangement. I’m starting to wonder if he’s keeping me around for attention/sexual chat without intending to follow through. I don’t want a relationship or exclusivity, but I also don’t want to be a half-assed penpal. Am I overthinking this, or should I stop engaging?

A couple weeks ago I posted in here about my first dating experience and how a guy rejected me in a messed up way so he could pursue someone else. I was honestly pretty sad because it was my first time ever having feelings for someone. He reached out recently and said some things that completely erased any bit of sadness I had. I feel bad for his girlfriend and I cannot believe I wanted to be in her place at one point. Looking back to how sad I was when I made that post compared to how I feel now is crazy. Rejection truly is protection sometimes.

Note : for TLDR version skip to TLDR

Header : So my post is going to broken up into different paths as I see what the people on here think, as unfortunately I feel like my situation is rather unique and will require considering more unique options.

Trigger warnings :

1. topics of quality and type of relationship may have some people feeling judged, but this isnt about you or aimed at you, as such if you feel this topic may upset you, I suggest you skip.

2. languge that may sound like braggin (I am not bragging, but often when I am giving context of my life and problems, some people my get offended and see it as such, so please consider its setting the context and not bragging, if this feels like it may upset you, skip)

3. harrasment/donestic abuse

4. sex related talk

....

So I am at a point in life where I am 26, have my life in a peaceful and stable rate essentially all the time, so much so that I have taken on bulding a community enhancement non-profit. Yeah I dont have alot of money (less than most, but I dont care about money unless I have a reason to) But despite all that dating for me feels nearly impossible.

It isnt because I am unattractive or have a bad personality... my issue is I have standard and want a different type of relationship than most people are seeking or seem ready for. I want a relationship that isn't transactional or based on sex. I want that real love type of relationship that nobody seems to want these days... the type where both parties are independent of eachother, don't need eachother, yet choose to be with eachother out of sheer choice, shared adventure, and a desire to create more. A relationship without power dynamics, where both parties are able to validate themselves, their emotions, and think freely without eachother. A relationship with no leader, or follower, but just two self lead people choosing to share the adventure together.

Unfortunately wanting something like that has me having what feels like zero options, as nobody puts in any mutual effort unless I "charm" them, and charming them makes it inherently transactional and makes a power dynamic, which is not my goal.

I also dont want to do a sex only relationship that evolves as unfortunately in my past that has lead to domestic abuse towards me as people grow addicted and treat me like a need, and that idea kinda scares me again, as frankly I am sick of being stalked and harrased (the drama is exausting)

So I am trying to figure out what can I do to find other people who are both single (preferably) and may be of the qulity and style of relationship I am seeking. I also dont want to endless do the whole dating chase thing as its too much work for a very likely dud, especially when I have a life to live and enjoy.

Edit : note, I am not the type to be endlessly social or always in peoples faces or business. As such outside of intentional interactions or business I tend to not engage much with people I dont enjoy being around or know. As such advice to just be arounded people will likely not do much for me on its own. So I would appreciate actionable meathods.

Edit 2 : adding to include that attracting people is not my focus, as thats easy. I am focused on where the people may be at so I can find them

.....

TLDR

Looking for advice on finding specific people of a quality and relationship style that fits the following :

1. no leader or follower dynamic, or other power dynamics

2. independent of eachother emotionally, physically, and thoght wise

3. does not want a transactional or sex only relationship

4. someone who wants to create and share adventures/projects

5. I do not want to have to endlessly chase for random chances, so looking for effective methods.

6. does not cost alot of money (no matchmaking services, as screw $25,000 for 8 months of gambling

7 ) Edit : a meathod that doesnt require me to just be around random people without intent or purpose. I prefer more direct meathods.

8. Edit 2 : adding to include that attracting people is not my focus, as thats easy. I am focused on where the people may be at so I can find them

I have only had two serious relationships. The last one in college and I think I didn’t tell my parents until a year in when I brought them home during the holidays?

Now I’m a grown adult and I haven’t told my parents yet. It’s been 5 months since we were official and we are now long distance so it feels uncertain even though I personally feel like this could be serious and long term.

Curious to know when you share your dating life with your parents and family.

Back in March, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy and he completely stood me up. No proper cancellation, no explanation, just didn’t show. I thought it was incredibly disrespectful, so I blocked him everywhere and moved on.

Since then, every time I’ve made a new Hinge account, he has somehow found my profile and liked me again. I never matched with him back.

Yesterday, out of nowhere, he messaged me on WhatsApp, as I forgot to block him there:

Him: “Hey [my name]. I know I messed up, I want to make it up to you.”

At first I genuinely wanted to just respond “lol” and block him again 😂 but curiosity got the better of me.

I asked:

Me: “Why did you do what you did?”

He responded:

Him: “I was immature and it was wrong, I’d like to make this right. And I genuinely apologize.”

So I asked:

Me: “How would you make it up to me, and what has changed exactly?”

His response:

Him: “Take you out, have a discussion. Honestly, I’ve done a lot of self reflection and matured and know what I want now.”

Part of me appreciates that he came back and actually admitted he was immature/wrong instead of making excuses. But another part of me is like… you literally stood me up. Why should I give you another opportunity five months later just because you’ve decided you’ve “matured”?

I’m especially curious about the “I know what I want now” comment because it makes me wonder what exactly was going on back then.

Would you hear him out over coffee just to see what he has to say, or is standing someone up with no explanation an automatic one-strike-you’re-out situation?

UPDATE: I BLOCKED him!

I deleted mine a while ago because the quality of matches wasn’t great. Felt like I’d get the worst guys on there (even if they were attractive they were more douchey), but Hinge has honestly not been amazing for me recently either, so I’m considering going back, but not sure if that’s just the devil on my shoulder talking and it’s not worth it…

Obviously if you're attracted to someone or like something about their personality, you'll want to see them again... but if you're still in the phase of figuring out how you really feel about a person and whether or not they'd make a good partner for you, how many dates do you typically go on before deciding that?

Asking for a friend, of course.