r/MuslimNikah

Asalam. I have been married around 3 years.

Before I say anything a year into my marriage my wife’s mother passed away so take into account that her father is quite lonely. I let my wife go over to her fathers to make him food or he comes to ours.

My wife stays at home she worked for the past 2 years of the marriage but just because she wanted to. Now whenever I try to do anything for my wife and I specifically let her know I’m going to do it I get snubbed by her father or brothers.

I was saving up for a car (keep in mind her brothers and father are wealthy and established) they butted their heads into our business and they bought her a brand new car and they had to make sure in front of my face to point out how it’s better than mine or how they did what I couldn’t do for their sister.

Their father comments on the house we live in and says all you had to do was borrow money from me. We are fine where we live. She has no problem.

Another example her phone was cracked but usable and I wanted to buy her a new one and I told her I’m going to buy one. I ordered the phone next thing you know she comes back home with the same phone that I bought so now I’m using it the one I bought for her for myself.

At family gatherings they constantly comment on how I must be wealthy since I don’t have to spend on my wife because they do everything for me. They don’t even give me a chance to do anything. Now they find it offensive that I spend money on my siblings. My wife must sometimes complain that I spend my money on my siblings and they gat angry over that but it’s exactly what they are doing to me.

When I bring it up with her she just says oh I don’t tell them to do it they just do it out of kindness. It’s not out of kindness because of the remarks they make. That’s only like 2 examples they do it over anything.

I’m not sure if I’m just reacting badly or in the wrong or if I’m valid. Be honest and give me some advice.

I am a revert (27y F) for almost 2y and I am beyond depressed with the fact that I cannot find a suitable husband. This is my biggest pain since forever cause I always wanted to get married and have kids. I live in a christian country which makes everything even more hard. How do you find a good husband? I would love not to be needed to go back on muzz again..

I think it's so stupid when people apologise for going through their spouse's phone, then finding something conspicuous.

Like bruh, he/she was getting cozy with someone outside of their marriage and you're apologizing about going through their phone? Are you stupid?

Your spouses SM, accounts, passwords, phone, laptop should be fair game.

You literally taste their throat and exchange body fluids.

It's like you can give them STD but not go through phone lol are y'all silly.. Stop this liberal nonsense.

Rant end.

Thank you!

Salams

People here must have already decided what names you are planning to keep. Comment them

I guess as I am getting older and in that age this keeps coming in my mind. I am 22 now. I have the option to marry a girl from back home Bangladesh or even here in . my relatives can find a girl for me in their families in nj. But idk sometimes I feel like will she truly understand who I am. My moms friend also said theyd be interested they are in toronto. My mom and dad were married through arranged marriage and they are my role model and inspiration for what a married life should be like. Maybe im just scared. I have never been in a relationship my entire life so I dont know how id meet someone fall in love and get married. I dont know if im looking for a close friend, a gf or a wife but there is this ache in my heart idk how to explain it and i only feel it at night when im in my room cant seem to get rid of it. Alhamdulillah im praying and trying to be better and allah has never given me anything but the best so in sha allah ik he will tc of it

What are some red flags according to you to lookout for when looking for a spouse man or woman?

A girl liked my profile recently and tried reaching out through a mutual intermediary. On paper today, she appears practising - hijab on, Islamic reminders reposted, talks about “finding the deen again” etc.

But I remembered her digital footprint.

Years of social media content doesn’t just disappear from people’s minds overnight. The freemixing, clubbing clips, thirst traps, tabarrujj, vaping, swearing online, dancing on TikTok, revealing outfits, displaying chest and body shape, heavy makeup, lip fillers, posting for male attention, late night snaps with random men, holidays with non-mahrams, “girls trips” that looked anything but innocent, flirtatious comments, Snapchat culture, fishing for validation, and constantly needing attention from strangers... I seen it all.

And let’s be real, once a woman publicly carries herself a certain way online for years, serious men looking for marriage will remember it. The internet remembers. People remember.

Ladies need to understand something - your digital footprint matters massively.

You can repent to Allah and may Allah forgive you completely - that’s between you and Him. But human beings are still allowed to make marriage decisions based on what they personally witnessed. Actions have consequences socially too.

A lot of women think they can spend years building an influencer-style online persona, collecting male attention and validation, then suddenly switch into “soft traditional Muslim wife” mode and expect men to completely overlook the past. That’s not reality for many men.

For me personally, once I’ve seen certain behaviour publicly displayed, I can’t unsee it. No amount of rebranding changes the image already built in my mind. So I quietly declined and moved on.

Please sisters, protect your haya from the beginning. Not everything needs to be posted online. Temporary attention from strangers is not worth damaging your reputation long-term.

I’m a 25 year old Muslim guy and I’ve been thinking about marriage lately and wanted some honest perspectives from married people, especially other brothers and sisters.

Alhamdulillah I have a good-paying job, I’m financially stable, finished school, and my life is pretty calm overall. At work or school I’m very social. I can talk to people easily, joke around, communicate fine, all that. But once my responsibilities are done, I go straight home. I don’t really hang out much and I genuinely enjoy being by myself.

Most of my free time is simple. I read, play video games, watch shows, relax at home, and usually visit my parents once a week.

What I’ve been wondering about is how that changes in marriage when your wife is basically your everyday companion. Like she’s always there, you’re sharing space and life together constantly. I don’t mean that negatively at all, it’s just something I genuinely think about.

For the sisters specifically, what are your opinions on having a husband who’s more of a homebody? Is that something you prefer or does it become frustrating over time? Do you expect your husband to always want to go out and do things together, or is a quieter/simple lifestyle okay as long as he’s attentive and present?

And for the brothers who were similar before marriage, how did you adjust? I’m just trying to understand what healthy day-to-day married life actually feels like for people who are naturally independent/homebody types.

30F from NYC and I genuinely don’t understand modern dating anymore 😭

Every single time I go outside, I get stared at, complimented, or catcalled. Men always assume I have some huge roster or that I’m constantly dating, but the reality is… I’ve literally been single my entire life 💀

I think people assume attractive women automatically have endless dating options, but attention and actual intentional approaches are two VERY different things.

Most of the attention I get feels surface-level, unserious, or just straight up awkwardness. I rarely experience men actually approaching with confidence, conversation, and genuine intentions.

And before anyone asks: no, I don’t want dating apps lol. I want to meet someone organically in real life.

The problem is I work remotely, I’m naturally introverted unless I’m comfortable, and I honestly don’t know WHERE people are meeting quality men anymore. Especially in NYC where everyone seems emotionally unavailable, scared to approach, or only looking for hookups.

So realistically:

Where do women in their late 20s/30s organically meet serious men these days?

Not club guys.

Not “wyd” texters.

Not men looking for a situationship.

I mean normal, confident, emotionally mature men between late 20s to early 40s who are actually intentional and not afraid to approach women respectfully in real life.

I’m a Black woman, 30, born and raised in New York, and honestly just tired of feeling isolated romantically and socially.

Any genuine advice is appreciated because I refuse to believe staying home and hoping my soulmate spawns into my living room is the solution 😭

Im honestly just looking for a normal practicing muslim sister. Im 32, from the UK born and raised run my own business alhamdulillah i do ok. Im 5’7. I pray 5 times a day and try my best to stay away from all haram. Seems like the a lot of sisters out there today have their heads in the sky in regard to expectations. I come from a traditional family setting and looking for similar Although i mind her working either. Im not to held up on kids and i dont mind having them either. Im not looking for a super model but someone attractive as honestly speaking for men thats a big thing. Im learning arabic and have plans eventually to relocate to madinah one day

Assalamualaikum, I want to start off by saying that I’m in a very difficult place and looking for any support I can get. I think what I need at this point is an outside perspective from you all. My heart isn’t agreeing to let this marriage go, but my in my mind I know it needs to eventually come to an end…..I’m hoping some outside input will help guide me , along with continuous prayer to Allah SWT to help me make the right choice.

I’m F 29 married 2.5 years to a man who is a hafiz. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs. My husband is a hafiz but he smokes weed continuously all day. He prays all his prayers, but smokes right before and after them. I myself am a “revert” of sorts who didn’t live an Islamic life, and I found my way back to the deen again a few years ago, let go of my haram lifestyle and wore hijab Alhamdulillah. I’m genuinely trying to do my best and get closer to Allah SWT. We had a semi arranged marriage, met through parents (sharing biodatas) and got along well when we spoke, and got married very quickly.

When we were getting ready to get married, he showed that he was ambitious and trying to have a good earning and would be hard working. His salary was less than half of mine (Alhamdulillah I make well over 6 figures) but I respected his character and him being a hafiz, so I overlooked the financial aspect. When we got married, he lost his job after a few months and was out of work for around 6 months. During that time I was managing the entire household (bills, food, rent, everything). He didn’t have his own car and we found out he didn’t have any savings, so my parents got him a car so he could use it to go to search for jobs in hopes of helping him get employed again. In that time he wasted a lot of time playing video games and saying he was applying to jobs, but I saw that he wasn’t putting a lot of effort into it. This whole time he was smoking weed. I’m ashamed to say he even got me started on the weed but I eventually retained the fear of Allah back in my heart Alhamdulillah and stopped for good.

He finally got a job but it’s still less than what is needed to help even do 50/50, and he says he is doing all he can. He wants me to pay for his gas to go to work and so such things because he cannot afford it…. When I tell him to try and apply for better opportunities he fights with me and gets abusive. He is so comfortable at a job where he cannot even fully support himself if we weren’t even together.

He also rubs my salary in my face ….. he continuously brings up me making 6 figures when I myself never talk about or allude to it at all. He constantly tells me I’m arrogant for my salary when I truly loathe working and would love to make $0 and stay at home if I had the option to. He also compares his job to mine and says he does a lot of hard work to earn his money while I don’t do anything at my job and am unfairly paid…. I am a project manager and oversee a large amount of scientific data and have a large team I manage. I never compare our jobs or say I do this or that….he is the one who compares and belittles me for my job and my pay.

When things are good we are like best friends, but he doesn’t want to listen to any input or feedback from me. He was abusive to me and put his hands on me multiple times, and I admit I have also been harsh with my tongue, but he hits me in my face and makes punching motions to me like he’s going to hit me. He calls me a horrible woman and says he spits on himself for marrying a woman like me. All I try to do is try to be a good wife and be pleasing to Allah SWT. I’ve also let go of my harsh words and have stopped fighting with him.

I tell him to try and stop the weed for the sake of Allah SWT and he says he may stop one day. He coughs all day everyday due to the weed and vape use and I just am getting fed up of it. For our anniversary or other events, he doesn’t make any effort, for example I told him I would love some flowers, and he didn’t bother with it. We had a good few months for the past few months but he recently punched and hit me again due to financial issues. He is having issues helping cover half the expenses and is telling me to pay since I’m making a large amount of money. I am getting tired of paying and drowning my savings and I think he should at least try to cover the bills and I have agreed to continue covering half the rent. I’ve changed myself a fair amount Alhamdulillah in this marriage and I’ve let go of a lot of dunya related things I used to take part in. I now mostly focus on my job, watching Islamic lectures and trying to get more knowledge of the deen. It seems like he is still on the same boat he was on, happy doing the bare minimum, expecting me to continue with covering more than half the base expenses and continuing with his smoking. I fear having children with him…. On one side I would love to have him teach them Quran as a hafiz but his bad habits scare me when I think of it rubbing off on my children.

He also passes out relatively often when we sit down together, he comes home, eats and will just dose off while he sits on the couch so we don’t spend much time quality time together. He says he’s working on bettering himself and wants me to be patient but him punching me continuously without any remorse, saying I’m a degraded woman and calling me all sorts of names, especially in months such as Dhul Hijjah and Ramadan make me think he will never change or have any realization.

He tells me he knows he’s lucky he got me, he would die for me and he values me. When things are good they are great, but when something doesn’t go his way or when his issues are brought up for a grown married adult discussion, everything goes south. He also acts as a hypocrite many times, he will call me the B word and if I say it back to him after losing all my patience’s he will come and slap me.

My parents have told me I’m wasting my time with him and I should leave while I’m young. I unfortunately have love for him in my heart as my husband and am finding it hard to make a decision. I also fear being alone for the rest of my life if I go through with a divorce. Alhamdulillah I take care of myself and used to be confident, but I now find myself questioning my worth and whether I’ll be able to have a family if I leave.

I am a successful woman, but due to my pre-revert lifestyle, I don’t have many Muslim sisters to talk to. I feel alone and confused and that is why I am coming here to get some of your feedback. Thank you in advance for your time and I apologize if this was all over the place as I have racing thoughts and bad ADHD. Jazakallah Khair

This guy (~10years older) we have not been officially talking, but had these sweet moments and undeniable chemistry. Just lives near me so we see each other often.

Today he reveals to me he is married but “I would love to be married to you, but I can’t afford it.”

I swallowed my heart..pretended it all okay and I was taken back for is desire to marry me. Or whatever. I didnt want him to see it hurt me. But I’m sure he noticed.

I bawled my eyes out all evening.
Why would he even say that me?? I would have been okay with just the I’m married,… but adding on the other parts?

Tbh im a bit heartbroken over this. I think bc I built this up in my heart and mind for a while now.

Ugh time to move on I guess.

I will have my nikkah in 2 months InshaAllah! Very excited for it, I found an amazing man and I’m happy to start life with him.
However, as a revert, I don’t fully know how these things work.
What do I need to do before the nikkah? How to plan it? Is there really a contract that I need to make?

The nikkah will be simple with just his family, since mine doesn’t live in the US and they don’t support it (me reverting and the marriage).
We’re waiting to hear back from the masjid to confirm the date, and then we’ll start planning for real but I’d like to get ahead and at least do my research first. Everything I found online is very vague, but I’ve never seen a Nikkah before, I don’t know how it is or what is done.

I’d like to hear from fellow sisters, if you’re a revert marrying/who married a born Muslim, even better.

Thank you

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

I’m looking for genuine Islamic advice and perspectives from people who may have gone through something similar.

My wife and I did our nikkah around a month ago alhamdulillah. Because of our studies, we probably won’t properly move in together for another year or so, and the actual wedding/rukhsati will happen later.

The issue is that my wife says she feels very nervous and mentally not ready for full intimacy yet. She is okay with things like hugs, holding hands, cuddling etc, but she feels that anything “in bed” should wait until after the wedding and when we officially live together.

I’m trying to be understanding because I know many Muslim women can feel shy or nervous, especially if they have no experience at all. I genuinely do not want to pressure her or make her uncomfortable. At the same time, Islamically we are husband and wife now, and I can’t lie that it’s becoming emotionally difficult for me because I do have desires and I was looking forward to building that closeness together in a halal way.

What confuses me is this:
if we wait another whole year, how does someone become “ready” without actually gradually experiencing intimacy together? I’m more than willing to go slowly, be patient, focus on her comfort, and fulfill her needs too — but right now it feels like we are not emotionally on the same page.

I guess I’m struggling to understand the balance between:
- being patient and gentle with a nervous spouse
- while also acknowledging that intimacy is part of marriage and both spouses have rights

Has anyone dealt with this after nikkah before moving in together? Especially in cultures where families still treat you like you’re only “engaged” until the wedding/rukhsati?

JazakAllah khair.

I've been trying to get married since 22/23 and turning 27 in 5 months. I've had so many talking stages I lost count. I've tried the apps, parents, the imam at the masjid, even cold approaching a girl at a Yemeni cafe lol. I understand the delay is from Allah SWT and this is qadr and I'm being patient. But a friend told me I need to get married soon because I'm reaching the age where my value is starting to decline and women around me are getting taken up. Is this true? I never really thought that until he said it, and I'm not one to suffer from FOMO. My age range is about 21-26 in the US/Canada.

I (23f) have an ISO on here and I've had guys reach out just to tell me (very unkindly) that my requirements are unrealistic. These aren’t short messages either, it’s like a whole essay.

Although the messages are rude and I dismiss people who speak in that way, i’m trying to see where this is coming from. It’s happened often enough that I’m questioning what’s considered unrealistic and where i can be more flexible.

i want to preface this by saying i absolutely do have character requirements for my partner, but i don’t feel like an ISO is the way to filter them, that’s something you find out through conversation.

These are the requirements I have in my post:

* Practicing Muslim (a bit liberal) (EDIT: i’ve been made aware that this is definitely the wrong term for what i mean)
* Age range: 25–35
* Established
* I’m open to relocation, but only to English-speaking countries and within the GCC.
* At least 5’10
* In good health
* No hair loss problems
* Likes cats (I have 3)
* Similar interests with a sense of humor and somewhat romantic. (this is more of a preference)

For context, I'm turning 24 next month, arab, 5’7 and live in the GCC.

Maybe the last 3 are what’s coming off as too much? idk. I've had some guys reach out that fit all of this so it’s not like this is unattainable but maybe it’s rare?

I wanted to elaborate on some of the points cuz i feel like people will see one thing and immediately jump to extremes/ assume the worst.

Practicing muslim is something i emphasize cuz apparently not all practice. I think they view being muslim as more of a cultural identity? idk. that’s not what i want. i want someone who’s fully practicing and we can grow in our deen together. I say liberal cuz there are men who wanted wives who don’t listen to music, watch tv/ movies, don’t wear pants etc. and thats not me. i wear a hijab alhamdillah and modest clothes (which include pants), wear minimal makeup, sometimes perfume (but never enough that people near me can smell it) and yea i listen to some music and watch movies.

when i say established, no i don’t mean a billionaire, i just mean someone employed with a stable income. i don’t want to worry about if we’re gonna make rent on time. i just want basic needs met with room for savings. maybe go to a chillis sometimes. when i was straight out of uni i didn’t mind someone who was just starting out and building a life, but im at a point where i want to start a family and pregnancy/ babies are expensive. I also feel like people who have made progress in their careers are more likely to take things seriously and take necessary steps forward. some people i’ve talked to wanted to drag things out for years and im not interested in that. i wanted to be married with a kid by this point.

the height, i just want someone taller than me. i’m 5’7 so i feel like a 3 inch difference is good. it is something im flexible on though.

health is always important and i do my best to take care of myself so i want that in a partner. a man’s health also affects his fertility.

hair 😪. i know this one can be difficult but i like hair in a guy. i like the idea of running my fingers through it and i’ve never been attracted to someone bald. their head reminds me of a basketball and i think hmm maybe i can palm it, jordan style.

As-salaamu alaikum

A genuine question, especially for those who found marriage later or after a difficult chapter.

Did becoming more serious about your deen make your marriage search easier or harder?

For context: I’m a UK-based brother in my 30s, previously married for a short time. One of the painful realities I experienced was that as I became more committed to salah and practising properly, the gap in values became impossible to ignore.

Alhamdulillah, I don’t regret choosing deen but I’d be lying if I said the search afterwards felt straightforward.

Sometimes it feels like many say they want someone practising, but when “practising” actually means structuring life around prayer, Islamic boundaries and long term growth, the pool becomes smaller.

On the flip side, I’ve also noticed some of the most sincere people seem to be reverts, perhaps because their Islam is such a conscious choice.

Curious if others (especially brothers/sisters who prioritised deen later in life, divorcees, or reverts) found this too?

Not a rant, just an honest reflection and looking for perspectives.

Assalamu alaikum everyone.
This might be a bit of a specific question, but I’ve always found taller women very attractive. I’m 185 cm myself, and I was wondering how taller Muslim women generally feel about marrying a man who is around their height or slightly shorter than them.

I’m from Northern Europe, and I honestly find it quite difficult to meet taller Muslim women where I’m from, so I was curious about how sisters generally think about this.

Is height something that matters a lot to you, or would character, deen, compatibility, and emotional maturity matter much more?

I’d especially be interested in hearing from taller sisters, if you’re comfortable sharing your perspective.

It seems that many people commenting on posts giving "advice" don't realize the gravity of what they are doing. Advice and passing a judgement are completely different things. Many people on here are straight up passing judgements on every OPs spouse and how awful and evil they are.

Just this week, I have seen a commenter use words like "nasty, vile" being used for people they don't even know and are not even present. Who told you that this person is vile over the one action described in a biased post? That is a whole muslim with honor of their own.

We have to realize people post here during conflict most of the time from high conflict relationships, which is almost never a one sided ordeal. Unless there is mention of major haram like zina, physical abuse, gambling, alcholism - why are we passing verdicts on people and turning spouses against each other? Advice involves giving the next steps to OP that may help their situation. Not telling them how much of a loser they are for staying because "hey I would never allow myself to take xyz."

One of my friends got divorced because of this subreddit and it was a whole thing in her family. Her husband posted on here. "Wife is disrespectful, crazy, kicked me out" and he got verdicts. Judgements. NOT ADIVCE. "She needs psychiatric help, send her back to her parents (haram btw), how disrespectful I would serve divorce papers the next day." Just one-sided verdicts filling his ears. He divorced her. Afterwards she revealed that he was cheating on her the entire relationship and she didnt want to reveal it because she was hoping things would get better. That her anger would subside, that she will love him again, and she didnt want to reveal her husbands flaws and then regret it. I know she should've divorced him any way but she was SHAMED in the process. Publicly. While she kept secrets. And this subreddit gave him the audacity to do that to her. Last I heard, he wants her back. And she said she could've forgiven the cheating but not the character assassination during divorce.

Another heartbreaking thing I noticed is people choosing to reveal that they are divorced through their flairs but then being shamed for being divorced if they say something people disagree with. There was a sister on here that deleted her account recently, I would dm her sometimes. She had made many posts for months about being cheated on and financially abused. And EVERYONE told her to leave her husband. Eventually she did. The other day a couple men replied to her "well not surprised you're divorced" because they didnt agree with her on something. SubhanAllah. Her account is no longer there because I know that is not the first time men shame her for being divorced without knowing in what circumstances she had to ask for khula. And honestly I would dare them to say it to her face or her father's face. They wouldn't. Apparently Islamic rules don't apply to you when it's the internet?

This is a MUSLIM community. An islamic space and islamic rules need to be upheld here by ALL members. I urge the space to use their words wisely. To stop giving emotional verdicts. And to give advice rather than pass judgements on characters. These are real marriages. REAL muslims.

Everyone here is accountable for their words.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

“When two disputing parties come to you, then do not pass a judgement against one party until you hear the other person’s case. [After hearing out both parties] A ruling will then become clear.”

(Musnad Ahmad, vol. 1, pg. 149. Also see: Sahih Ibn Hibban; Al Ihsan, Hadith: 5065)

Edit- I am not anti-divorce, I am pro-respectful language and basic respect in online conversations. Because truth is you will never have the full picture in these posts. The least we can do it not get emotional over half information. If you know that people lie on here, why are you getting emotional? Give logical advice and thoughts without insults and rage.

Salaam , I know this sounds very deep especially considering I (F) am only 21 but I’ve been thinking a lot recently and I have this fear I will never find someone who actually understands me and how I like saying “how my brain works and is set up”. Alongside a bunch of medical conditions including ADHD , ASD & Anxiety i’m a massive overthinker and get attached very fast to people ( even if they are bad for me ). It’s something i’m trying to work on but it’s not easy. But I genuinely fear that because of this I won’t find anyone…. And it’s so disheartening and heartbreaking for someone who has just always wanted to feel / be loved and have a husband who understands and supports me.

(Don’t take this as an opportunity to DM me unless it’s giving advice)