r/MuslimNikah

Hi everybody. I’m currently 22 years old, and I’ve been Muslim for 5 years alhamdulillah. I just completed my BA in philosophy and I will be going to law school soon. Now that I am done with that stage of life, I am considering getting married, and I have an opportunity to. At my mosque, there is a confidential list you can put your name on if you are single and looking, then you are matched with someone. I put my name on it a couple weeks ago and I got matched with someone just recently, so I am meeting her and her family soon. However, I am wondering if it‘s normal in the Muslim community to be looking this early? Most people I know got married in their late 20’s or early 30’s. I did consider searching that late at one point, but I really want to get married. Her and her family know about my age, so i guess they are okay with it, since they agreed to meet with me to discuss. Anyways, im just wondering whether im moving too fast or not. What are your thoughts?

I (34M) am on a weekend away with my in-laws (my wife’s parents, her 4 siblings (2 sisters married with their husbands and their two kids) plus an unmarried sister and brother). This is the first time I’ve stayed over with them anywhere after 3 years of marriage. There’s a couple things I wanted to query. The place we’re staying has a hot tub and the women were planning on using the hot tub (makes sense right) but my brother in law who is 23 joined all the women in the hot tub. My wife says she was wearing shorts and her bra and so were her mum and other sisters - is it reasonable for me to be weirded out by this? In addition her dad was walking around the area when they were in the hot tub. I spoke to her about this and said it’s fine and it’s normal for them. The son in laws respected segregation and went away into the basement meanwhile. When the men used the hot tub the women all stood around - I refused to use it. Is that reasonable for me to do? My wife thinks it wasn’t. Secondly we went to a water park and I have a crippling fear of water - I don’t swim due to a drowning issue when I was a kid so I’m scared. This water park is on a lake so the water is fairly deep. My brother in law thought it would be funny to push me into a lake of freezing cold water. after I explained my frustrations to my wife she defended her brother to say that’s how he is and I should get used to it. Is it reasonable for me to be annoyed by this? She thinks I’m overreacting bc that’s how he treats all his sisters. Please let me know your thoughts. JzkA khr.

Edit: I spoke to my wife and she says she will do it again but will wear modest clothes ie a burkini next time. I said that I still think it’s weird to share a hot tub with male siblings but shes adamant she’s grown up like so what’s weird to me isn’t weird to her

Whats worst? If you find out before marrying had zina with some escorts or that he had some haram relationships?

All I’ve learned is finding a wife is the hardest, most unstructured and ambiguous thing I’ve ever done.

What I’ve learned:

• Masajids and the broader Muslim community have not developed any infrastructure to facilitate marriage - Allah will hold them accountable for this

• Imams and Religious figures are out of touch with modern Muslim struggles - according to them if you are struggling, that’s your fault

• Marital rejection hits your core - it’s basically a verdict on your entire life (assessing everything from job, upbringing, looks, social status), by another person, and how they don’t like it

• People are far more superficial and flaky than you’d think

• A marriage to the wrong person is worse than being single

• Marriage can absolutely be a blessing but the marriage search is degrading, ambiguous and depressing and you need to determine whether the process is even worth partaking in

• You’re family needs to be deeply integrated and connected within a community to avoid the difficulties I described above

• Instead of keeping me hopeful and motivated, I now view marriage to someone I like akin to a pipe dream, high unlikely to happen anytime soon, or ever.

Salaam all.

Really looking for some advice from people who have gone through divorce.

For context, I (27, F) was only married for 10.5 months (5 months together, 5.5 months separated and then divorce issued almost 2 months ago now). I requested the divorce due to a whole lot of issues. You can read one of my older posts for some more details: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimNikah/s/HlBM7GbGjK

I gave my husband a chance after I returned from umrah (see linked post above), however the same behaviour continued and so I asked for a separation and came back to my parents. During our separation he was quite upset that i had shared things with my family (my parents barely know anything to this day but my older sisters know) and his family (his parents still to this day don’t know much at all - just that i saw messages between him and a female; they didn’t know what the messages contained as i wanted to preserve his dignity). I did however have to speak to his sister in depth so his family would understand my reasons for wanting to divorce.

During separation i considered going back to him and giving him another chance, however, he said hurtful things to me such as “if you were to marry 100 men, you wouldn’t even be able to keep one of them” and “you couldn’t be anyone’s wife, you’re a joker”. He also said hurtful things about my parents.

I also still had access to his gmail and google account history. He continued to watch haraam, searched up massage parlours and escort services and he also downloaded a dating site a month into separation.

He was in the UK on a student visa which was about to expire 2 months into our separation, our civil registration was coming up, he ended up getting a PSW visa a few months ago, and I feared he was trying to baby trap me too during separation as we met up a few times.

The thing I’m really struggling with is that during those 5.5 months we were separated, he kept begging me for another chance and to go back to him and just see how things go. I kept declining as I knew i couldn’t trust him anymore.

Question is, almost 2 months into divorce, why do I feel guilty for not just giving him another chance? Why do i miss him and miss physically being in his arms? He barely showed me affection and i was definitely receiving breadcrumbs, so what is wrong with me? could it just be that he was the first man i had feelings for and that’s why i feel this way? I’m just broken some days and fine on other days. I know people will comment telling me I’m just attached or trauma bonded or whatever, but I don’t want a diagnosis lol, I just want this feeling of guilt to go away. He was my husband, which is something i took very seriously, and i loved him dearly. No one marries to divorce and once you get married, you imagine a whole life with this person: kids, anniversaries, growing old together. I’m just broken.

If you can't find a real connection in real life you certainly can't find it online.

I feel people even on the ISO are wasting time. And it makes sense. Why would anybody want to be with someone they meet online. Social media has severely impacted the real like connection which used to build naturally and sustain longer.

Assalamu Alaikum everyone,

I am looking for sincere advice because I am genuinely confused and I don't want to wrong anyone.

I am 29M, and Alhamdulillah I am in the Nikah process with a practicing sister. Until recently, I was very excited about marrying her because we share similar Islamic values and both want a simple marriage. However, over the past few weeks we've had several conflicts, and I am struggling to know whether these are normal pre-marital growing pains or signs that we shouldn't continue.

One important thing about me is that I tend to see everyone's perspective. If my fiancée says something, I usually understand why she feels that way. Then I hear my parents' perspective, and I understand that too. Because of this, I sometimes struggle to take a firm position immediately. It's something I've realised about myself and I am actively trying to improve.

One major issue has been the Nikah timing.

My fiancée has always wanted the Nikah to be in the afternoon. From what I understand, it's something she has imagined for a long time, and I know many sisters have dreams about how they want their Nikah day to be.

On the other hand, my family prefers doing it in the evening because our family and some guests has to travel several hours to her city. His reasoning is that if we do the Nikah in the afternoon, everyone has to travel a day earlier, book another night's stay and take another day off work. From his perspective, it's simply much more practical to arrive on the Nikah day, have the Nikah in the evening and return the next day.

I genuinely understand both perspectives.

The problem is that my fiancée feels that her wishes aren't being respected and that I don't stand firmly behind my decisions. She has told me before that she's afraid I won't be able to stand by her after marriage if my parents disagree.

At the same time, my parents are now becoming worried about the proposal because they feel she is becoming too rigid over this afternoon vs evening issue. They aren't upset that she has a preference but they're worried that she isn't considering other people's circumstances.

At the same time, I don't want to paint her unfairly. I know she genuinely wants a good marriage. Likewise, my parents are not trying to make things difficult, they genuinely believe they're making practical decisions.

So I don't think anyone has bad intentions.

My questions are:

1. Does this sound like a normal conflict before marriage that can be worked through, or does it indicate deeper incompatibility?

2. From an outsider's perspective, does this sound like healthy firmness from my fiancée, or unhealthy stubbornness?

3. Am I actually failing as a future husband by not taking a firmer position, or am I simply trying to balance everyone's rights?

4. If you were in my position, what would you do before proceeding with the Nikah?

Please be honest. If you think I am the one in the wrong, I would genuinely like to hear it. I am not looking for validation, I just want to do what's most pleasing to Allah and avoid entering a marriage with unresolved issues.

Jazakum Allahu Khairan

PS: Used AI for better sentence framing

India, Software Developer in a third tier metro city. Have a house and a flat Earning a modest income. Never had any relationships or say i dont even know how to lay my interest in someone i like due to my social anxiety. Have been receiving few profiles but profiles that i like cite salary issue or contractual nature of my job which is justified but the contractual nature is still a permanent job as the project involves public serviuce and cintract gts renewed.

One thing i have realized that us men will always be judged based on our salary and not our looks or tarbiyah orthe values we hold. I wonder how do marriages last if they lose a job or something bad happens. Because for me attraction matters a lot. I have been single all my life just waiting for this opportunity and i dont want to ruin it with compromises or settling with options i dont like.

Is it really difficult these days? I mean i despise(May Allah bless them) those who didnt follow this Am setup and dived into relationships in their early 20s i think they are better than me and are so happily married now. It becomes really difficult to trust faith these days. I wish i could have got into a relationship earlier. My questions are 1. How are you guys finding matches these days?
2. Is it really late for a man now to find someone or trust this AM setups, 3, The biggest problem which can change the situation is a high paying job (which i think is a leverage now)
4. Even if someone doesnt wants to see my potential then what should i do?

I am guy btw ( I wants to understand some Things )

( btw they were little children not even BOYS )

Islam teaches us to lower our gaze and I am trying to understand and discuss the severity of this issue

I know children are innocent, and I’m not blaming a little boys for simply looking very passionately and one of them even stood behind a waitress and slap her butt.

But I’m honestly sick of how often boys and men are shown as being in awe of girls and women, while people act like it’s cute or natural.

Why is it always boys staring at girls? Why don’t we see little girls behaving the same way towards men?

That difference says something. It feels like boys are taught very early to notice, admire, and stare at girls, while girls are taught to be the ones being watched.

This is why Islam teaches haya and lowering the gaze. Not because beauty is bad, but because even innocent curiosity can become a culture of staring when adults keep normalising it.

I’m tired of women and girls being treated like something to look at. Boys need to be taught respect, restraint, and dignity early.

I can’t even believe the little boys , children started to gaze at grown women in certain clothes in a very strange way and why did he slap her on butt if you think maybe he was staring innocently, but they get caught by dads and felt embrassed

As a guy boys and men makes me sick how much they are awe of women regardless of their age

is a woman such a massive test for boys/men?

what do you make of this mess?

Jazakhalkahir

I would like to network with italian muslims🥺. It would be really nice to talk about our problems/things in general in italy as muslims.
I dont have much hope to find someone here. But you never know💅🏽.

I have a really interesting question about something important and was curious about it.

At what age would you start teaching your children discipline and encouraging them to practise Islam more consistently?

For example:

• If you had a son, at what age would you start taking him to the mosque with you regularly?
• If you had a daughter, at what age would you start encouraging her to dress modestly and, eventually, wear the hijab?

Do you think boys should be encouraged to start going to the mosque at an earlier age than girls are encouraged to dress modestly and eventually wear the hijab, or should both be encouraged around the same age?

I'd like to hear from both married people with children as well those yet to get married.

Matched with a person who claimed to have a 'balanced view on deen & duniya' i.e. being supportive of women's education and work.

After a single conversation wanted to exchange socials, because 'what else is there to know', which I refused. Mind you, I was the only one asking questions. The only thing he asked was about my father's profession.

Anywho, I asked about his plan for kids which he vehemently pointed out is a part of marriage commitment, and 'why else would I marry and simply not date instead'. I mentioned that it's not a must for me. My priority is finding a good husband first and if he has good qualities of being a father and also wants kids, only then I'd be on board. Otherwise it's a huge responsibility that I can't shoulder alone.

Cue the name-calling.

'feminist', brainwashed by 'western culture' (he lives in the west), women making such decision is bs, yada yada.

And when I pointed out the faults of eastern culture around honor killing, oppressing women's islamic rights, the script suddenly shifted on how Saudi was right for banning women drivers because the cases of affairs has skyrocketed (correlation =/= causation??) And even afghans in the west, whom he personally knows, don't scream for right to work so he doesn't understand why people bring up women's right in afghanistan.

---

This entire conversation felt like the rage-bait I have only seen by trolls online. Coming across one in the wild has been eye-opening. How one question or opinion suddenly opens up a barrage of insults so damning that you try to dissect your own thoughts. Whether my opinion was truly atypical or have I just discovered a good filter?

Advice needed...marriage related

So I am speaking to someone who i have met a few times. She is of north african descent on Europe and I am of South Asian descent in UK.

Things are well. One things that seems to be a struggle is location and what comes with it especially around providing financially. I feel most of it should be done via a man but in todays day and age there should be contributions but she feels this should not be a burden on her.

Any advice

I tend to overthink attraction a lot, especially when it comes to potential partners. I don’t really get instant “yes or no” feelings. Instead, I analyze everything — appearance, behavior, energy, and even my own reactions to them.
Right now I’m in a situation where I genuinely can’t tell what’s real anymore.
For example, sometimes my mind tells me he looks too thin or that his overall appearance doesn’t fully “click” for me. But then other people tell me he looks completely normal and fine. So I don’t even know if that’s an actual perception or just my overthinking.
At the same time, I’ve only really seen him in a very specific setting — mostly at my place, not outside, not in normal everyday environments. So I feel like I might not even have a full picture of how I perceive him in different contexts.
Emotionally, we actually connect well. There is compatibility and I feel comfortable with him. But my thoughts keep interfering. I keep questioning whether I find him attractive enough, whether I should feel more, or whether I’m just analyzing myself out of any real feeling.
The problem is: I also know I’m someone who needs time to develop attraction. It’s not instant for me. But I can’t tell if I’m “giving it time” or just ignoring the fact that it’s not there.
So I’m stuck between:
not actually being attracted
and overthinking to the point where I can’t access my real feelings
How do you tell the difference when your mind keeps second-guessing everything?

Salaam, I matched with this guy. He seems to be a really nice person, practising and generous.

The only thing stopping me from considering him fully is that he told me has a bunch of degrees and certifications but one of them is a fake.

We're still in touch though I told him I need some time to think about this. He's extremely loving and is loved deeply by all his family members. Can someone please help me out with this?

assalamu’alaykum everyone :3

I’m just gonna go straight to the point. I’ve been pondering on love. I’m not dating, not talking to anyone at all, i’m just curious on the psychology of men (unfortunately 🌚)
So the question is :
What do men look for ?

I know alot of people will say these:
-Deen
- Personality
- Looks ( physical appearance)

But I think compatibility in a relationship goes deeper than just these 3 aspects. I’ve seen people picking one or the others or all 3. But humans are so complex generally, so i’m curious ~ what other traits do men admire/look for when talking to a woman?
And what makes a man head over heels for someone?

Thanks to anyone who responds !! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

Me(22F pakistan) and my husband had our nikkah 6 months ago. It was arranged marriage by our parents. Not talking much before nikkah was relatively understandable but I constantly find his attitude distant, almost like he doesn't care. Even on the day of our nikkah, he didn't talk. I asked him some things like his plans after marriage and why he chose this marriage..... the answers were quite upsetting... he said "Ab shaadi to krni hi thi" (Marriage was bound to happen anyway). Nothing else much...

After nikkah, he moved back to Australia to complete his phd and i was in pakistan so we had not moved in together. he called once every 2 weeks where the communication was very short and forced... and never lasted more than 7 minutes. It kept happening.... I would try to text him sometimes... but there were always cold short answers.... no way for me to continue continue conversations after that.... I kept going trying to convince myself that he's just shy..... however, i got extremely sick last week and i was admitted in hospital for several days and suffering from alot of pain.... I told him I was in hospital and told him my condition..... he left message on read.... didn't reply..... idk... after this I don't want anything to do with him.....

My mother keeps saying it will get better after we move in together and he is just shy.... but i feel something is seriously wrong. Shyness shouldn't exempt someone from basic courtesy...

Hi I’m planning to get married and my parents haven’t said yes on the proposal yet but things are slightly progressing.
There’s something that’s worrying me, the guy is young, is not very well established but I see him work hard and try to earn. But he’s from Africa and me, I’m an Asian. In my culture mostly the girl’s family ask for mehr and usually my family doesn’t like to demand about things but my mom is planning to ask for gold for my security, which is understandable but worries me because I don’t wanna over burden the boy as well.
Now I’m stuck in a situation where I want my security but I also don’t want to be so demanding about material possessions, I want to support him but my mom is maybe right as well.

Kindly give me a good advice or suggestion that you could help with the situation. Because my family is already a bit hesitant to let me go so far, I don’t want it to become a issue of our parting

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Take relationship advice from women who've never had a healthy relationship

let your unhealed friends convince you he is the problem

Listen to people who never take accountability for anything

treat TikTok/reddit comment sections like marriage counselors

ask everyone for advice except the man you're actually with

let bitter people define what a "real man" is

Works like a charm, every time

Ladies, did you or anyone you know regret leaving their career to stay at home full time?

Especially if you actually found your work interesting/exciting, not just building a career to pay the bills and afford a certain lifestyle. Do you ever think about what could have been if you kept on with your career? Or do you never look back?

Or have you been having the time of your life spending your time with other hobbies, friends and family, travelling, self care, Islam, and kids if you have any. I think it’s possible to do all of this while working but definitely have more flexibility without work.